Will & Grace
Original Airdate 10/26/17
Written by Suzanne Martin & John Quaintance
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Leslie Jordan (Beverley Leslie)
Anthony Ramos (Tony)
Max Greenfield (Eli Wolff)
Derek Gaines (Theodore)
Jordan Julian (Tasha)
Buz Kohan (Buz)
Justin Shaw (Benji)
Robert Towers (Senior Partner)
KAREN: "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
[GRACE is at the table going through her sketches. WILL exits from his bedroom.]
GRACE: Big day.
WILL: Big day for you, too. Hey, this suit says "Senior Partner," right? Not "lesbian minister?"
GRACE: Change the tie. And I can still pull off this dress, right?
WILL: Yeah, you should pull that dress off and put on a different dress.
GRACE: Okay, good call. You're gonna make senior partner.
WILL: And you're gonna land this client.
GRACE: Can you imagine? Me doing 15 boutique hotels. I mean, that would change the entire trajectory of my business. Oh, hey, hey. What about that short little...
WILL: What did we say about miniskirts after 40?
GRACE: No more knees.
WILL: If I get this, I know exactly what the rest of my life would be like, you know? No more worries. No surprises.
GRACE: Yep, that's why your letters to Santa always had a P.S.: "Don't get creative. Stay on list."
[GRACE EXITS TO HER BEDROOM.]
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR AND PEEKS HIS HEAD IN.]
JACK: What's gay, beautiful, and just got rich for doing nothing?
WILL: Jared Kushner?
[JACK KICKS HIS LEG OUT, SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM AND POSES AGAINST IT.]
JACK: It's me!
[JACK PULLS OUT A FOLDING FAN AND FLICKS IT OPEN, THEN FANS HIMSELF WITH IT. HE WALKS TO THE KITCHEN TO JOIN WILL.]
JACK: I gave Theodore at work a dollar to buy a scratcher, and he just texted me we won two grand. I'm a thousandaire!
[JACK TOSSES THE FAN AND CATCHES IT.]
WILL: Wait, who's Theodore? I thought you worked for a guy named Alvin.
JACK: Theodore's Alvin's brother. They both work at the Rec Center.
WILL: Do Theodore and Alvin have another brother named Simon?
JACK: You're much older than me, so I don't get your Chipmunks reference.
[GRACE EXITS FROM HER BEDROOM WEARING A NEW DRESS.]
WILL: I don't love the scarf. It's a little too "Put your tray tables in the locked and upright position."
GRACE: I knew it.
JACK: Give the scarf to me.
[JACK TAKES THE SCARF AND DRAPES IT AROUND HIS NECK.]
JACK: You see? Now the fan makes sense.
[JACK FLICKS THE FAN OPEN AND FANS HIMSELF.]
[KAREN enters the room carrying a martini, followed by a golf caddy.]
KAREN: Thanks, Caddy. Put my clubs over there. Oh, and tell Masseur that I just played the front nine and need a back rub. Actually, tell him I played the back nine and need a front rub.
[CADDY PUTS THE GOLF CLUBS AGAINST A CHAIR AND EXITS. KAREN WALKS OVER THE BED. A MORPHINE DRIP PCA MACHINE IS SET UP NEXT TO THE BED.]
KAREN: Say, a morphine drip. Why, that's a nice touch. No card? Huh.
[KAREN WALKS OVER THE PHONE.]
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Hello, this is Mrs. Walker in 705. Who do I have to thank for this lovely morphine drip in my room? [BEAT] What? I'm not recovering from plastic surgery. I've never had anything done in my life [QUIETLY, AWAY FROM THE PHONE] in the United States. [BEAT] What do you mean, someone else booked the room? I pay a lot of money to belong to this country club, and I booked this hospitality suite months ago.
[KAREN HANGS UP.]
KAREN: I'd like to see who has balls big enough to ask me to move.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE ENTERS, CARRIED BY BENJI, A YOUNG AND MUSCULAR BLACK MAN. BEVERLEY IS WEARING PAJAMAS.]
BEVERLEY: Well, well, well.
[BENJI SETS BEVERLEY ON HIS FEET.]
BEVERLEY: I must have died during surgery, 'cause the devil herself is before me.
KAREN: Why, Beverley Leslie. I thought they'd torn down all the corroded old Confederate statues.
BEVERLEY: You remember my business associate, Benji.
[BEVERLEY WAVES HIS HAND TOWARD BENJI. KAREN EXTENDS HER HAND AND BENJI SHAKES HER FINGERS.]
KAREN: What happened to the other Benji?
BEVERLEY: Ooh, something terrible happened to him. He got old.
BEVERLEY: [TO BENJI] Give us the room, Benji. Go work on your hammies for our meeting later.
[BENJI SMILES AND PATS THE BACK OF HIS THIGHS AND EXITS TO ROOM.]
KAREN: Now that the pleasantries are over with, get out of my room, Dixie Dinklage.
BEVERLEY: I'm not going anywhere. I've just had extensive plastic surgery.
KAREN: Where? Oh, wait. Let me guess. Labia reconstruction? Now get out of my room.
BEVERLEY: I'm not going anywhere. Please, just let me rest for a little while. We'll discuss this later. Now, help me into the bed.
KAREN: Oh, all right. I've seen Gardener do this with sacks of peat moss.
[KAREN GRABS THE BACK OF BEVERLEY'S PAJAMAS AND THROWS HIM ONTO THE BED.]
BEVERLEY: Now hook up my morphine drip. [CRYING OUT] Oh, I'm in terrible pain!
KAREN: You think you're in pain. This martini is dry as a bone.
[GRACE is giving a presentation to ELI WOLFF. He leans back in a chair with his legs up on the desk.]
GRACE: And since we would custom make everything in the rooms, your hotel guests could go online and buy all of it. Now, Eli, I know that we're a small business. It's just me, my assistant, and an apprentice designer. But I promise you that we can rise to the occasion.
ELI: [HOLDING UP HIS PHONE] Should I sleep with Andy Cohen?
GRACE: You're gonna have to go with your gut on that one.
ELI: Well, I get what you're all about. You've got a great eye. I guess it's just, like, "Do I wanna write a Cinderella story?"
GRACE: I think you do. You could be my fairy godmother. [LAUGHS]
[ELI DOES NOT LAUGH.]
GRACE: I didn't mean "fairy" like "gay." Unless you loved it, and in that case, it's like, "Heyyyy!"
ELI: I'm getting on a helicopter at eight. It's between you and one other designer. Think about something you can bring to the table that's gonna close this deal.
GRACE: Um, you know what? I think I have something that you might like. Tony?
[TONY ENTERS FROM GRACE'S OFFICE.]
TONY: You need me, Grace?
ELI: Okay, I like where your head's at. What's your kink?
TONY: I'm straight.
ELI: I'm listening.
TONY: I... I don't know. I mean, I guess I also like cuddling with my girlfriend afterwards.
ELI: I don't really know her, so I'm gonna pass.
TONY: Um, darn it?
GRACE: I'm sorry, Tony. Um, can you grab the layouts that we were working on?
TONY: Sure thing.
GRACE: Thank you. [TO ELI] I wasn't quite ready to show you these yet, but I...
[GRACE'S PHONE, SITTING ON THE DESK, CHIMES. ELI AND GRACE LOOK DOWN AT THE SCREEN.]
ELI: Who's that?
GRACE: My roommate. And I will call him back.
ELI: Is he into guys?
GRACE: Big time homo.
ELI: You wanna go to the ball, Cinderella? Stick that in a pumpkin and send it my way.
[JACK follows THEODORE into the office.]
JACK: Okay, okay. So, the scratcher's in your hand. Then what happens? Don't leave anything out.
THEODORE: Okay, you ready for this?
JACK: Yeah, yeah.
THEODORE: I need three matching numbers. I have two with one box left to scratch, okay?
JACK: Oh, my God, Theodore! Okay, so, keep going. Yeah.
THEODORE: All right, so I found a pencil with a missing eraser, right? And I think to myself, "Will this metal band work as a scratching device?" Only one way to find out. I try it. It works. Third matching number.
JACK: Oh, my gosh! That story had conflict. It had drama. It's what Shonda calls "conflama."
THEODORE: And don't you think I forgot who bought me the ticket. I got something coming to you, too.
[THEODORE PULLS OUT A BILL AND SLAPS IT INTO JACK'S HAND.]
THEODORE: There you go. Love you, man. Thanks for the dollar. Yo, check out this mini espresso maker I just bought. It's coming in a little later today. Pop a mini pod in, makes a perfect cup of coffee.
[JACK LOOKS AT THE DOLLAR BILL AND FLIPS IT AROUND.]
JACK: Where's the other $999?
THEODORE: What you mean?
JACK: I paid for that ticket. So half the money is mine. I already bought a very expensive item.
JACK: Not a jean jacket with my best friend Karen's face emblazoned on the back, if that's what you're implying.
THEODORE: Jack, that money isn't yours.
JACK: You said, "We won $2,000."
THEODORE: I said, "I won $2,000."
JACK: You said, "We"!
THEODORE: I said, "I." Check the text.
JACK: I will! [JACK GLANCES AT HIS PHONE] What matters here is the principle, Theodore. I financed your investment. You should give me half that money.
THEODORE: But I'm not going to. So we got conflict and we got drama.
JACK: [GASPS] How dare you throw conflama in my face?
[WILL is in the kitchen wiping down the counters when his cell phone rings. He leaps for the phone to answer it.]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hello? No, you got the wrong number. This is not Jhanvi. No, it's not Nirmalan, either. [BEAT] Yes, ma'am. If I see either one, I'll tell them to call home. [WILL HANGS UP.]
GRACE: Well, anything?
WILL: No. The review went great. I'm still waiting for them to call.
[WILL'S PHONE RINGS.]
WILL: [INTO PHPONE] Hello? No, I am not Jhanvi. Wait, is this Nirmalan? You're supposed to call your mom. Happy to help. [HANGS UP] How'd your meeting go?
GRACE: Great. It's between me and one other designer.
WILL: That's amazing. What can you do to seal the deal?
GRACE: Well, I feel like I've done all I can do. You know what I was thinking about today for some reason? How cool is it that gay guys don't make a big deal about sex?
WILL: That's a huge generalization.
GRACE: Yeah, but you know what I mean. It's like, you could hook up with a guy you barely know and it would be fine.
WILL: Maybe in my 20s.
GRACE: Yeah, but who doesn't miss their 20s? Being a young single guy having meaningless sex with a young single guy. Potentially helping a friend in the process.
WILL: Grace. Are you trying to pimp me out to your client?
GRACE: No, of course not. Unless you're up for it.
GRACE: I'm sorry. Okay, okay. Just forget what I said. I'm a terrible person. It's just that you called in the middle of my presentation, and Eli said that you had a cute gay face, and I said you were a big time homo, and...
WILL: Eli, as in Eli Wolff? Your hotel guy is Eli Wolff?
GRACE: Yeah, you've heard of him?
WILL: Of course I've heard of Eli Wolff. He's a total power gay. He's hot. He's rich. He's exactly who a potential senior partner should be with.
GRACE: And you're a potential senior partner.
WILL: I know. I love him for me.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE lays back in the bed, hooked up to the morphine PCA drip. KAREN opens the mini fridge.]
KAREN: Aww, nuts. There's nothing in the mini-bar. Or, as you call it, "bar." Has that morphine kicked in yet?
[KAREN SITS DOWN ON THE BENCH AT THE FOOT OF THE BED.]
BEVERLEY: [SPEECH SLIGHTLY SLURRED] Karen, I've always considered you a dear friend.
KAREN: That's a yes.
BEVERLEY: I feel a burning need to share something intensely personal with you. [CRYING] But it's just so hard to say out loud!
KAREN: Oh, for God's sake. Don't cry. You look like Jeff Sessions watching a black man vote.
BEVERLEY: Karen, this may come as a great shock to you. But I'm a h... homosexual.
KAREN: That's it? What's your next bombshell? Harvey Weinstein isn't always a perfect gentleman?
BEVERLEY: That's it. I'm gay.
KAREN: Does the hustler posing as your business associate know?
BEVERLEY: He suspects. Karen, I need you to help me come out to my wife, Crystal. Tonight would be a good night to tell her, but it's her 90th birthday, and I'm afraid the shock might kill her. Come to think of it, tonight might be the perfect night to tell her.
KAREN: All right. Fine. But if I help you, I get my room back.
KAREN: Wait a minute. Crystal's already dead. I went to her funeral. You and original Benji had the first dance.
BEVERLEY: The first shovel of dirt on the coffin revived her. And I learned a valuable lesson. Appreciate every day of your life. And when it comes to your loved ones, cremate. Always cremate.
[THEODORE is in the office sitting at the desk talking on his cell phone.]
THEODORE: [INTO PHONE] But that's not right. I didn't sign for it. No, I don't have the espresso maker in my possession. So whoever told you...
[JACK ENTERS. HE IS HOLDING A TINY COFFEE CUP AND SAUCER. HE TAKES A DAINTY SIP.]
JACK: Oh, hey, partner.
[THEODORE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND STANDS UP TO GET IN JACK'S FACE.]
THEODORE: Where is she? Where's my tiny coffee maker, Jack?
JACK: Oh, she's in a safe place. But you'll never find her without me.
THEODORE: Is it the girl's bathroom?
[JACK BACKS UP, CLOSING THE DOOR SO THAT THEODORE CAN'T GET OUT.]
THEODORE: Get out the way or I'll...
JACK: Or you'll what? You can't hit a gay man. It's a hate crime. Besides, the second you walk out, I'll find where you're keeping that money you owe me.
THEODORE: Yeah, good luck with that.
JACK: Is it in the cigar box inside the shoebox inside your desk drawer?
[JACK STOMPS ON THEODORE'S FOOT, TOSSES THE CUP AND SAUCER AND RUNS FOR THE DESK.]
THEODORE: Ah, ow, oh!
[JACK PULLS A SHOEBOX FROM THE DESK.]
THEODORE: [GRABBING THE SHOEBOX] Ha ha!
JACK: [OPENING THE SHOEBOX AND TAKING THE CIGAR BOX INSIDE] Ha ha ha!
THEODORE: [SMACKS THE CIGAR BOX AND GRABS THE WAD OF MONEY THAT FALLS OUT] Ha ha ha ha!
JACK: Gimme half that money or else!
THEODORE: Or else hitting a black man is a hate crime, too. Rarely enforced, but still.
JACK: Well, I'm not racist.
THEODORE: And I'm not homophobic.
JACK: Then it looks like we've arrived at a real Mexican stand-off. [GASPS] Wait, is that bad? Should it be Hispanic stand-off? Or is saying "stand-off" like I think they're all standoffish?
THEODORE: I think you need to be more earth tone, neutral. And I think it's Latino-American now.
JACK: Oh, right. Totally. Then it looks like we're arrived at a real Latino-American misunderstanding.
[JACK AND THEODORE LEAN OVER THE DESK AND GLARE AT EACH OTHER.]
[WILL sits at the round conference table with eight other senior partners. They are all much older than he is.]
SENIOR PARTNER: Will, congratulations.
WILL: [THINKING] I made senior partner. I know exactly what the rest of my life is gonna look like. And I feel... I don't know what I feel. Is this really what I want?
[WILL LOOKS AT CHARLES. THE MAN HAS BANDGAGES ON HIS FINGERTIPS.]
WILL: [THINKING] Charles has so much suppressed rage, he's gnawed off all his nail beds.
[WILL LOOKS AT AN OLDER WOMAN. HER EXPRESSION IS VACANT AS SHE STARES OFF INTO SPACE.]
WILL: [THINKING] I think Eileen's dead.
[WILL LOOKS AT GOLDBLATT. THE MAN LOOKS AT WILL AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.]
WILL: [THINKING] Goldblatt. God, he's always hated me.
SENIOR PARTNER: Welcome, Will. You're one of us now.
[THE PARTNERS BEGIN CHANTING.]
PARTNERS: One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us.
[THE OLDEST PARTNER LEANS TOWARD WILL.]
BUZ: [WHISPERS] Run.
PARTNERS: One of us. One of...
[WILL sits on the sofa with ELI WOLFF.]
WILL: [SOBBING] I hate my job. My whole life, I've been working towards something that I don't even want. I thought I wanted to be partner, but I don't.
ELI: I thought I wanted to have sex with you, but I don't.
WILL: Oh, no, no, no. No, I can rally. Look. [WILL WIPES HIS CHEEKS] No more tears. Let's have some fun.
[WILL PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF WINE AND BEGINS POURING.]
WILL: It's just that I, uh, I hate my job.
[WILL BEGINS TO SOB. HE OVERFLOWS THE WINE OVER THE TOP OF THE GLASS. ELI GETS UP AND LEAVES.]
[LATER. WILL IS SITTING ON THE SOFA SIPPING HIS GLASS OF WINE WHEN GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: I just got a text from Eli that the date was a bust. What happened?
WILL: I was upset. I wasn't exactly in the mood.
GRACE: Well, couldn't you at least have given him a little something-something? I would have done it for you.
WILL: You absolutely would not have.
GRACE: Well, it's different for a woman. Thank you. I just lost the biggest gig of my career.
WILL: Something you wanna ask me?
GRACE: [SIGHS] What else is there? Of course. I'm such an idiot. Did he say what hotel he was staying in?
WILL: That's the question you have for me?
GRACE: I remember. He said he was taking a helicopter. Maybe I can still fix this.
[GRACE RUNS OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
[WILL'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
WILL: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello? Hey, Jhanvi. [BEAT] Yes, I have been crying.
[JACK sits behind the desk. THEODORE sits with his hands on the desk.]
JACK: You know what hurts more than the money? Although, make no mistake, the money hurt a great deal. I thought you were a good person.
THEODORE: Well, that's entirely on you. 'Cause I've given you absolutely no reason to think well of me.
[ONE OF THE YOUNG GIRLS, TASHA, ENTERS THE OFFICE.]
TASHA: Mr. McFarland, can you walk me to the subway? My dad's car died.
JACK: But he's a Lyft driver. How's he gonna do his job?
TASHA: He's not. The repairs cost, like, $1,800 bucks.
JACK: [TO THEODORE] Isn't that about $2,000 minus a tiny coffee machine?
TASHA: That must be a white person question.
[TASHA TURNS TO LEAVE, BUT THEODORE STANDS UP.]
THEODORE: Tasha, wait. Just tell your dad you found a scratcher and you won enough money to get his car fixed, okay?
TASHA: What do you mean?
JACK: He means, "I'm gonna give you the money."
THEODORE: What are you...
[JACK REACHES INTO THEODORE'S POCKET. THEODORE TRIES TO PULL AWAY, BUT JACK GETS THE ROLL OF MONEY.]
THEODORE: What... What...
[JACK GIVES THE MONEY TO TASHA.]
TASHA: Oh, my God. You're an amazing person!
[TASHA WRAPS HER HANDS AROUND JACK AND HUGS HIM TIGHTLY.]
THEODORE: Wait, that's not even his.
JACK: It's not about whose money it is, Theodore. It's about Tasha and the nice thing I just did for her.
TASHA: Thank you so much. I'll wait out front.
JACK: I knew you were a good person, Theodore. At least your coffee machine's paid for. I may have made a very expensive credit card purchase that I can't pay off now.
THEODORE: Can't you just return it?
[JACK PUTS ON A JEAN JACKET.]
JACK: Not really.
[JACK TURNS TO LEAVE. KAREN'S FACE IS PRINTED ON THE BACK OF THE JACKET.]
[KAREN enters the suite carrying a shopping bag. There is a "Happy 90th Birthday" banner hanging over the window.]
KAREN: Beverley, I'm back. Beverley!
[BEVERLEY LESLIE ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM. HE IS STILL WEARING HIS PAJAMAS, BUT HAS A BIRTHDAY HAT ON HIS HEAD.]
BEVERLEY: Sorry, Crystal and I were helping each other use the toilet. [YELLING TOWARDS THE BATHROOM] Don't try to get up on your own, birthday girl! [TO KAREN] It's like her arms are made out of balsa wood.
KAREN: I thought long and hard about how to help you come out to Crystal.
BEVERLEY: What on Earth are you talking about?
KAREN: The secret you told me when you were guzzling morphine like a little hamster.
BEVERLEY: What exactly did I tell you?
KAREN: That you like Ding Dongs more than Ho Ho's. That you gobble more hot dogs than a Japanese competitive eater. That you've been ridden by more bears than a bike in a Russian circus.
BEVERLEY: Pip-posterous. Me, a homosexual? The very idea makes me howl with manly laughter.
[BEVERLY TRIES TO LAUGH, BUT IT COMES OUT AS HIGH-PITCHED SOB.]
KAREN: Get out of my room!
BEVERLEY: This is my room, and I would never give it up to you.
KAREN: We had a deal, you finger puppet.
BEVERLEY: The deal is off!
KAREN: All right. Well, I guess you win this round, Beverley. But before I go, let me just send my birthday wishes to your beautiful bride.
[KAREN PULLS OUT HER CELL PHONE AND TAPS ON THE SCREEN.]
[THERE IS A BING IN THE DISTANCE FROM THE BATHROOM.]
BEVERLEY: What did you say in that message?
KAREN: Just a suggestion as to how she could celebrate this birthday with her... husband.
[THERE ARE TWO KNOCKS FROM THE BATHROOM.]
BEVERLEY: Oh, sweet Jesus. That means she wants to make love.
[THERE ARE THREE KNOCKS FROM THE BATHROOM.]
BEVERLEY: [GASPS] From the front!
KAREN: Chin up, Beverley. Think of it like golf. Just keep hacking away at the sand trap, and hope you get it close to the hole.
[GRACE catches ELI WOLFF before he gets in the helicopter.]
GRACE: Eli, wait.
ELI: I've already made my decision, Grace.
[ELI TAPS THE HELICOPTER WINDOW AND TWIRLS HIS FINGER. THE PILOT TURNS ON THE ENGINE. THE BLADES KICK UP WIND, MESSING UP GRACE'S HAIR, AND FORCING HER TO YELL.]
GRACE: Well, you should have picked me. I have vision. And instinct. And if you're going to ignore all of that because I didn't get you laid, well, then I don't wanna work with you anyway.
ELI: I did choose you, Grace. You got the job. This is big, Grace. I need to be your only client.
GRACE: I'm all yours. This is my dream job.
ELI: Too bad Will doesn't feel the same way about his job, huh?
GRACE: What do you mean?
[ELI GETS IN THE HELICOPTER.]
GRACE: Did he hear something?
[THE HELICOPTER TAKES OFF.]
GRACE: I didn't ask him. [SIGHS]
[A NEWSPAPER FLIES THROUGH THE AIR AND SLAPS GRACE IN THE FACE.]
GRACE: I get it, universe. I'm garbage.
[WILL is in the kitchen pouring himself another glass of wine. GRACE enters. Her hair is a big frizzy mess.]
WILL: Oh, look. It's white Diana Ross.
GRACE: I didn't ask you why you were upset. You didn't make senior partner?
WILL: No, I did.
WILL: And I'm miserable.
WILL: Because I don't wanna be a corporate lawyer for the rest of my life. I was wrong, Grace. I want surprises.
GRACE: Will, you want surprises? How about this? Come work with me.
GRACE: Eli hired me to do his hotels. It is working on a scale that I never even dreamed of. I mean, I'm thrilled, but I'm terrified. It's too big for me. I... I can't do it alone.
WILL: What exactly are you...
GRACE: Quit your job. Let's run my business together.
WILL: Grace, what you're saying goes against every fiber of my being. I'd be taking the biggest risk of my life.
GRACE: So you're in?
WILL: 100 percent.
[WILL AND GRACE HUG.]
GRACE: Oh, my God! I'm so excited! Me and you.
WILL: You and me. We're the perfect team.
GRACE: Perfect team!
WILL: Will and Grace.
GRACE: Uh... It sounds weird. Grace and Will. Now that sounds like a thing.
[WILL AND GRACE HUG.]