Original Airdate 9/28/17
Written by David Kohan & Max Mutchnick
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Anthony Ramos (Tony)
Kyle Bornheimer (Lenny)
Eddie Matos (Congressman Steve Sandoval)
Kate Micucci (Page)
Fred Cross (Curtis)
[WILL and GRACE are playing "Heads Up" — Grace is holding her phone to her forehead while WILL gives clues. JACK is on the couch browsing through his phone, and KAREN sits next to him, staring off into space while holding a martini glass.]
WILL: Okay, he's a man, but he's aged into a lesbian.
GRACE: Steven Tyler! Jon Voight! Newt Gingrich!
[GRACE MOVES THE PHONE DOWN FOR THE NEXT CLUE.]
WILL: Okay. She's... Don't get me started.
GRACE: Jada Pinkett Smith.
[GRACE MOVES THE PHONE DOWN FOR THE NEXT CLUE.]
WILL: Oh, oh! We want to love her, but she makes it impossible.
GRACE: Caitlyn Jenner.
WILL: Of course.
[GRACE MOVES THE PHONE DOWN FOR THE NEXT CLUE.]
WILL: Um... Oh! Uh, uh... Rich, hostage.
GRACE: Patty Hearst!
[WILL AND GRACE CLAP THEIR HANDS TOGETHER AND BUMP HIPS.]
WILL AND GRACE: Whoo!
WILL: You guys are up.
JACK: [FLIPPING THROUGH HIS PHONE] Grindr has gotten so skanky. I feel like I could get finger herpes just from scrolling. [PERKING UP] Ooh, there's a gay guy within ten feet from... [GLANCES OVER AT WILL, REALIZES, THEN FROWNS AND ROLLS HIS EYES.] Oh.
WILL: Can we play?
JACK: Okay. Patience, darling, patience. [JACK HANDS HIS PHONE TO GRACE] Grace, you need to take my new profile pic, okay? But wait until I do something adorbs. [TO KAREN] Come on, Kare, it's our turn. Kare?
[KAREN HASN'T MOVED AT ALL. HER EXPRESSION IS VACANT AND SHE IS STILL HOLDING HER MARTINI GLASS UP.]
GRACE: Is she asleep?
WILL: Wait, it could be a trap. A smaller Karen might shoot out of her mouth and bite your face off.
JACK: I got this.
[JACK REACHES INTO KAREN'S PURSE AND PULLS OUT A PRESCRIPTION BOTTLE. HE SHAKES IT TO RATTLE THE PILLS.]
KAREN: [SNAPPING AWAKE] What's going on? What's happening? Who won the election?
WILL AND GRACE: Your guy.
KAREN: Oh, I had the craziest dream. [TO WILL AND GRACE] You were there, and you were there... [TO JACK] You weren't.
[JACK MAKES A SAD POUTING FACE.]
JACK: Hello, Grace, I was just giving you full adorable, and you missed it!
KAREN: In the dream, Will was living with a swarthy man in uniform, and Grace was married to a Jew doctor.
WILL: Yeah, well, we were. But we're single now.
KAREN: That tracks. What happened to the children you had who grew up and got married to each other?
WILL: That never happened.
KAREN: Oh, what a relief! Nobody wants to see you two raise kids.
JACK: Yeah, I mean, what would be funny about that?
[KAREN HOLDS UP HER HAND IN A "ZERO" SIGN, LOOKS AT JACK THROUGH IT, AND MOUTHS "NOTHING".]
KAREN: But you're not still living together.
WILL: Oh, no. I mean, I mean... she's living here right now.
GRACE: S-staying here.
GRACE: For just a couple of weeks until the dust settles.
JACK: On your genitals?
GRACE: On my divorce.
JACK: Because of your genitals.
KAREN: Wait a minute, wait a minute. What about Stan? Is he still alive? Am I still rich? Answer the last one first.
WILL: You're rich, Stan's alive, both single, no kids.
JACK: [LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA] Got it?
GRACE: Got it. [GRACE TAKES JACK'S PICTURE.]
[WILL is sitting at the table. He is wearing a pair of glasses, intently typing on his laptop computer. GRACE gets a tub of berries from the refrigerator and walks up behind Will.]
GRACE: Are you writing another angry letter to that congressman? Wow, you are so good.
WILL: Eh, people throw around the word "hero" too much.
GRACE: I didn't say "hero."
WILL: There's that word again.
GRACE: Is that him?
[GRACE PULLS WILL'S GLASSES OFF AND PUTS THEM ON. SHE LEANS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO LOOK AT HIS COMPUTER SCREEN.]
GRACE: [READING WILL'S SCREEN] "Congressman Steve Sandoval." I hate it when bad guys are handsome. It's like Scar in "Lion King."
[GRACE GIVES WILL HIS GLASSES.]
WILL: What? Who cares what he looks like? He's trying to gut the EPA.
GRACE: I am so impressed. You are so woke. I used to be woke. Now I use my pussy hat to sneak candy into the movies.
WILL: Get back into it. Write your representative.
GRACE: I should write.
WILL: Why don't you?
GRACE: I don't wanna write. I'm so busy! What can I do that's low-effort, high-impact?
WILL: Fart in an elevator?
GRACE: That was not me! That is fake news.
[GRACE'S PHONE DINGS. SHE TAPS THE SCREEN.]
KAREN'S VOICE: Hi, it's your assistant, Anastasia Beaverhausen. I have to tell you about my conversation with Melania... you know, the wife of your president? By the way, I signed your name to his birthday card. Bye!
[GRACE DOES A SPIT TAKE, SPRAYING HER COFFEE ALL OVER THE PLACE. WILL REMOVES HIS GLASSES AND CLEANS THEM WITH A CLOTH.]
GRACE: She never stops rubbing it in my face.
WILL: Yeah, but does she ever bring up the election?
GRACE: No, she tortures me, constantly. I know what I can do. I can put my foot down with her in the office. No more gloating. No more screaming "Lock her up!" when I wear something she doesn't like.
WILL: Well, there you go. It's just what you wanted, you know? Effort is low, and you're impacting a person who's high.
JACK: [ENTERING THE APARTMENT] Not hungry, couldn't eat a thing.
WILL: What are you in the mood for, Jack?
JACK: [PATTING HIS TUMMY TO 'SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT'] French toast.
GRACE: I am off, boys. Thank you for inspiring me.
[GRACE LEAVES THE APARTMENT.]
JACK: [TO WILL] Who talks like that? Okay, who's the guy? Your lips are pursed, your neck is flushed, and you're presenting. [JACK THRUSTS HIS HIPS FORWARD.]
WILL: [ANNOYED] I am writing a protest letter to a congressman about issues that matter... in my pants. [WILL LAUGHS]
JACK: I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! How hot is he on the Ryan scale?
WILL: He's a Reynolds-point-Gosling.
WILL: Grace thinks it's all political, but we're totally flirting.
JACK: Okay, Shonda, now we got a scandal.
WILL: [SHOWING JACK THE COMPUTER] Hey, look. There he is. And he is the worst... votes against every environmental regulation.
JACK: Okay, I get it. You wanna hook up with a power gay. It's called an "Anderson Cooper." It used to be called an "Elton John," and before that, an "Abraham Lincoln."
WILL: Wait, wait, wait, is it... Isn't it hypocritical to hook up with someone that I disagree with on virtually everything?
JACK: Will, do you know how many men I've been with who I disagree with politically? I don't. 'Cause I don't ask! You just pop out your contacts and you get to work.
WILL: It's not like I'm ever gonna meet this guy anyway.
JACK: Okay, I know exactly what to do. All right? Here we go. [JACK SITS IN FRONT OF WILL'S COMPUTER AND BEGINS TYPING] And going to his Facebook page... and going to his calendar... And looking at his speaking schedule... And I found one. "Addressing the Energy Caucus in the Rose Garden." Are we tech avail on Friday? We are. Okay, good. Now let's book our train. Are we comfortable in business, or should we be bad and splurge for first? Let's be bad! I mean, if we're gonna do it, let's do it. Okay, and we're done. Thank you for booking your travel through "One Fine Gay."
[GRACE walks into the office. The office has been redesigned. Karen's desk is still by the door; Grace now has a private office where the swatch room used to be; where Grace's old desk once stood is a new desk with two extra large Surface computer displays on it. Assistant TONY is standing at the desk rolling up a set of blueprints.]
GRACE: Karen, I need to... Karen?
TONY: Hey, Grace. She's not here yet.
GRACE: Hey, Tony. You're in early. Hi.
TONY: Yeah, you know, I was just finishing up the drawings on the townhouse.
GRACE: You are so good. Mm. Hey, Tony, can I ask, um, does Karen ever offend you?
TONY: Mrs. Walker, o-o-offend me? Um... Well, I mean, she's like... like… You know, she's like... I mean... well, what do you mean by "offend"?
GRACE: Does her politics offend you?
TONY: Politics? No, no.
GRACE: Is there anything else that she does that offends you?
TONY: Mrs. Walker? Uh... you know, she's... she's... it's kinda like... I mean... some... Nah, she doesn't offend me, no.
GRACE: Well, you let me know if she does.
TONY: I will. Thank you.
GRACE: [REGARDING THE COMPUTER DISPLAY] That stuff looks great.
[GRACE EXITS INTO HER OFFICE.]
[LATER. TONY IS GONE, BUT KAREN IS AT HER DESK.]
GRACE: Karen, you and I need to have a very serious talk.
KAREN: Oh. So, I shouldn't do this? [KAREN SQUEEZES GRACE'S BREAST] Honk.
GRACE: I'd prefer you didn't.
KAREN: How about this? [SHE SQUEEZES BOTH OF GRACE'S BREASTS] Honk-honk.
KAREN: No. How about the Sugar Ray speed bag?
[KAREN BOXES GRACE'S BREASTS WITH HER FISTS, AND GRACE SMACKS HER HANDS AWAY.]
KAREN: Sorry, honey, but you make me nervous when you do the serious face and your mouth goes into that little balloon knot.
GRACE: I'm instating a new rule. Your politics, your business, but you gotta keep it out of the office.
KAREN: Honey, I knew I had some news. You're redecorating the Oval Office!
GRACE: The Oval Office?
KAREN: Yeah, Melania called me last night after one of her night terrors. She said the hubster's been pouting 'cause his office is a real dump. So, I says to her... I says, "Melani-o, have I got the decorator for you." And she says, "Is she pretty?" And I says... "Not a threat." So, long story short, we're going to Washington.
GRACE: Wait a minute, you got me a job redecorating the Oval Office?
KAREN: Yes, you.
GRACE: Well, obviously, I wouldn't even consider it. But just out of curiosity, what is he looking for?
KAREN: Just a fluff. You know, he wants it to look like he's there from time to time.
GRACE: No, I can't. It would be completely hypocritical. I know that this is a huge opportunity, but it goes against everything that I believe in. I would hate myself if I took that job.
KAREN: Train leaves at 10:30.
GRACE: I'll be there at 10:15.
WILL: I gotta say, when you're actually here, it's kind of hard to be cynical. I mean, the Oval Office is right there. [POINTING] And look, there's the vegetable garden where Michelle Obama introduced broccoli to the Midwest. And that... right there, that's where Joe Biden and Barack Obama used to hold hands and talk about their dreams.
WILL: I still don't get how you got us in here.
JACK: My pals at the Secret Service.
WILL: You don't know anybody in the Secret Service.
JACK: Of course I do. Everybody in the Secret Service is gay. You know that.
WILL: Why do you say things like that?
JACK: Because it's true. Who better to read a room?
WILL: You're ridiculous.
[SECRET SERVICE AGENT LENNY WALKS UP BEHIND WILL AND JACK. HE IS A STOCKY MAN IN A BLACK SUIT, WEARING DARK SUNGLASSES.]
LENNY: Sir, you are aware that we can hear everything you're saying. Slandering the Secret Service...
WILL: Oh, oh... please, please forgive him. He... he was born with his brain on the outside of his skull.
LENNY: Was I speaking to you?
WILL: Oh... No, no. I beg your pardon. It's my first time.
LENNY: I was speaking to him... [LOOKING AT JACK] This adorable marzipan confection with a tushy that belongs in the Smithsonian.
JACK: Hey, Lenny. Long time.
LENNY: Good to see you, angel face. Glad you guys got in. [TO WILL] Your skin is amazing. You obviously take good care of it. [TO JACK] Find me later.
[LENNY WALKS OFF.]
WILL: [QUIETLY TO JACK] There he is. There's the congressman.
[WILL POINTS TO A HANDSOME MAN WALKING INTO THE GARDEN FOLLOWED BY STAFF.]
STEVE SANDOVAL: Is that Will Truman?
WILL: [SMILES AND WAVES.] Hi.
JACK: [QUIETLY TO WILL] Kellyanne Conway, he's hot!
JACK: Okay, he's a ten, you're a six. Be confident, okay? And don't giggle.
WILL: I'm a grown man. I don't giggle.
[STEVE SANDOVAL WALKS UP TO WILL AND SHAKES HIS HAND.]
WILL: Congressman Sandoval, it's an honor.
STEVE SANDOVAL: The honor is mine. I serve at the pleasure of my constituents... [QUIETER] hopefully one in particular. [HE SMILES CHARMINGLY.]
[WILL GIGGLES. JACK SMACKS HIS BEHIND, AND WILL COVERS HIS MOUTH.]
[GRACE is standing behind the desk, looking around the room. KAREN is on one of the sofas, on her knees browsing her phone, a la Kellyanne.]
GRACE: Wow. I've gotta say, I am awed by the majesty of this office. I mean, just think of the great minds that sat at this desk and shaped the course of history. [GRACE OPENS THE LID OF A WOODEN BOX ON THE TABLE] A Russian-English dictionary and a fidget spinner.
KAREN: The first time I was in this office, Nancy and I were chasing Ronnie around that desk... Trying to get some protein into the ol' Gipper. We used to put a scoop of tuna fish in an ice cream cone and tell him it was mint chip.
GRACE: All right, let's start. Karen, hand me that curtain swatch. I need to make sure it works with his coloring.
[KAREN HOLDS UP A PALETTE OF FABRIC SWATCHES. GRACE OPENS A BAG OF CHEETOS AND HOLDS ONE UP TO THE BLUE FABRIC.]
GRACE: Yup, that's the one.
KAREN: [NODDING] Ah.
STEVE SANDOVAL: Page, please give Mr. Truman here a tour of the West Wing.
PAGE: Oh, Congressman, before I give anyone a tour of the West Wing, there is a security protocol that I have to... What the hell? Rules don't mean anything in this place anymore. I'll go get your credentials.
WILL: Thank you.
[CURTIS, a butler, pours KAREN a martini while GRACE looks out the window.]
KAREN: Hup-up-up-ah! What's with the Laura Bush pour? Give me the full Pat Nixon!
[CURTIS NODS AND FILLS THE GLASS.]
GRACE: [TO CURTIS] Uh, excuse me. What's going on out there?
CURTIS: That's the Energy Caucus, ma'am. Congressman Sandoval is about to address them in the Rose Garden.
GRACE: That's that awful guy that Will's been writing. He's rolling back environmental regulations.
KAREN: Ha! Take that, trees and water.
GRACE: You know they make gin out of trees and water.
KAREN: Eh, rich people won't be affected.
GRACE: Oh, now I just feel gross. I'm here doing this, and Will's off somewhere, resisting.
[GRACE TAKES A DRINK FROM HER WATER BOTTLE. SHE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AND SEES WILL FLIRTING WITH STEVE SANDOVAL, AND SPRAYS WATER ALL OVER THE WINDOW.]
[CUT TO OUTSIDE.]
STEVE SANDOVAL: We'll meet back here afterwards.
[STEVE WALKS AWAY. PAGE WALKS UP WITH A SECURITY BADGE AND GIVES IT TO WILL.]
PAGE: We'll start in the Oval Office, But you should know, the owner's got someone in there redecorating.
WILL: "The owner"?
PAGE: There's a lot of new words they want us to use. Follow me.
WILL: Hmm... redecorating for this president? What desperate fool would take that job? It's just gonna be redone in a year.
[WILL CLIPS THE BADGE TO HIS JACKET. HE TURNS AND SEES GRACE GLARING AT HIM THROUGH THE OVAL OFFICE WINDOW.]
[JACK is sitting with Secret Service Agent LENNY on a small sofa.]
LENNY: Actually, you could say my job's gotten a lot easier. The nutjobs that we protected the last president from are this guy's biggest supporters.
JACK: Oh, yeah.
LENNY: Enough about me. What about you? What's going on?
JACK: Oh, God. The, um, last time I saw you, I was living in the apartment across the hall from Will, you know, kind of... doing a journey inward. Yeah, I was still doing that ridiculous one-man show.
LENNY: No, I remember that. Right, it was called "Just"...
[LENNY RAISES HIS HANDS UP, BUT JACK SWATS THEM AWAY.]
JACK: Don't even! That is dead to me! What kind of an ego must I have had to put my own name in the title of my show? Anyway, since then, I've started a bunch of different businesses.
LENNY: Oh, yeah? Like what?
JACK: Well, I had an energy drink called "Jack It Up!"
[JACK POINTS HIS THUMBS TO HIS HEAD, THEN POINTS THEM UP.]
JACK: Then I was gonna trademark my own stretch and kick workout, called "Jack be Nimble."
[JACK DROPS TO A POSE WITH ONE LEG KICKED OUT AND HIS ELBOW RESTING ON HIS KNEE.]
JACK: But I strained my groin doing an overly enthusiastic demonstration on top of one of the investors. After that, then I started a Halloween pumpkin carving business.
LENNY: Ah, let me guess. "Jack-O'-Lanterns."
JACK: That's what I should've called it. Not "Scary Orange Balls"!
[JACK DROPS TO A SQUAT AND WAVES HIS ARMS BETWEEN HIS LEGS.]
[PAGE escorts WILL into the oval office. GRACE is already there waiting, and KAREN is still sitting on the sofa.]
PAGE: Welcome to the Oval Office. The owner would like you to know it's the best Oval Office you'll ever see. It's tremendous, and...
WILL: You and I need to talk.
GRACE: I disagree. I think you and I need to talk.
WILL: What are you doing here, Grace?
GRACE: What are you doing here, Will?
WILL: Are you just gonna repeat everything I say with an emphasis on a different word?
GRACE: Are you just gonna repeat everything I say with an emphasis on a different word?
PAGE: I can't watch another husband and wife fight in this office.
KAREN: I saw Barb Sr. give 41 the full pile driver in this office over that "read my lips" BS. Come on.
[KAREN AND PAGE LEAVE THE OFFICE.]
WILL: How could you?
GRACE: What? I'm an interior designer, just designing an interior. It's a room. What you are doing is so much worse.
WILL: Me? I'm just here voicing my grievances in person.
GRACE: Before or after giggling like a schoolgirl with Congressman Sandoval in the Rose Garden?
WILL: Who are you, Mrs. Peacock in "Clue"?
GRACE: Don't try to distract me with a movie you know I love. You had me convinced that you were actually doing something selfless, when all you were doing was just trying to pull an Anderson Cooper!
WILL: How do you know what an Anderson Cooper is?
GRACE: You're not the only one in the house who reads Queerty.
WILL: Don't you understand that working here is a tacit endorsement of everything that happens here? I can't believe you'd even consider taking this job. Honestly, I'm more disappointed than anything.
GRACE: Oh, unbelievable. Even though you are totally busted, you are still acting superior to me!
WILL: Can't do this again.
GRACE: Do what?
WILL: This... us being all up in each other's stuff.
GRACE: Well, then why did you beg me to stay with you?
WILL: I begged? You stood at my doorstep with a suitcase! [MIMICKING SOBBING] "I. Don't. Know. Where. To. Go, Will!" [SNORTS]
WILL: If you're so unhappy, then move out, because I can't live with your crazy again.
GRACE: Do not call me crazy.
[GRACE SMACKS WILL ACROSS THE FACE WITH A THROW PILLOW.]
WILL: That's real mature. What are... what, what are we, gonna have a pillow fight in the Oval Office? Classic Grace. Act and then think.
GRACE: You're right. Let me think first. Hmm.
[GRACE PRETENDS TO THINK, THEN SMACKS WILL WITH THE PILLOW.]
WILL: [DEEPENING HIS VOICE] Do that again... I dare you.
[GRACE SMACKS WILL BACK AND FORTH THREE TIMES WITH THE PILLOW.]
WILL: That's it! It's on!
[WILL GRABS A PILLOW FROM THE SOFA AND HITS GRACE IN THE HEAD. THE PILLOW BURSTS OPEN AND FEATHERS GO FLYING EVERYWHERE, AND THEY CONTINUE TO HIT EACH OTHER REPEATEDLY.]
JACK: I mean, now, I'm actually living in the apartment across the hall from Will. Um, you know, kind of doing a journey inward. So... a lot has changed.
[KAREN WALKS INTO THE HALLWAY, SINGING TO HERSELF.]
KAREN: ♫ Oh-ba-da, bi-ba-da ♫
KAREN: Poodle? What are you doing here?
JACK: I'm on a date.
KAREN: With Lenny?
JACK: Wait a minute, you two know each other?
LENNY: [STANDING] Well, hello, Mrs. Walker. Pleasure as always.
[KAREN HOLDS OUT HER HAND AND LENNY SHAKES IT.]
LENNY: What have you been up to?
KAREN: Recently, I've been focusing my attention...
LENNY: [HOLDS UP A FINGER AND LISTENS TO HIS EARPIECE.] Excuse me. [INTO HIS WRIST RADIO] All available agents, we have a situation in the Oval. [TO JACK] Cupcake Daddy's gotta work.
[LENNY PUTS ON HIS SUNGLASSES.]
JACK: Little kiss?
LENNY: I'm in the middle of a crisis. [PAUSES, THEN SIGHS] Oh, those eyes are just too damn blue.
[LENNY LEANS DOWN AND GIVES JACK A QUICK KISS ON THE LIPS. HE HURRIES OFF, FOLLOWED BY A HANDFUL OF AGENTS.]
KAREN: So... did you get serviced?
JACK: Shh. It's a secret.
[WILL enters the apartment. GRACE is in the kitchen. Her suitcase is by the fireplace.]
WILL: [NOTICING THE SUITCASE] You're really leaving, huh?
GRACE: Yup. I was gonna go to a hotel, but...
WILL: You're too cheap?
GRACE: Yup. Then I was gonna go to my sister's, but...
WILL: She was eating on the phone?
GRACE: Yup. So... I guess... I will go.
[GRACE WALKS TO HER SUITCASE, BUT WILL STOPS HER.]
WILL: Grace, Grace... You know why I didn't tell you what I was doing? I didn't want you to think less of me.
GRACE: I didn't want you to think less of me, either.
WILL: I like you thinking that I'm a better person than I really am, 'cause it... makes me wanna be a better person.
GRACE: And your judgey-ness... keeps me from doing some of the crazy things I wanna do.
WILL: So stay. And not... not just temporary. I mean, as long as it makes sense. It'll be different this time.
GRACE: Will it?
WILL: Yes! 'Cause all the other times we've done this, we thought it would be different, but this time, we know it's gonna be exactly the same. And that's what makes it different.
GRACE: And I'm the crazy one?
WILL: Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
[WILL HUGS GRACE]
WILL: Come on, let's get you back to your room. [WILL PICKS UP THE SUITCASE. IT IS VERY LIGHT.] There's nothing in here, is there?
GRACE: I kinda figured we'd end up here.
[WILL and GRACE are sitting at the table eating breakfast. JACK enters, followed by KAREN.]
JACK: Because of you guys, I had to spend the night at the White House. The things I had to do to Lenny to keep you two out of trouble! [SMILING] Thanks, you guys.
KAREN: When you two talk about politics, you get so preachy.
GRACE: We should just be what we've always been.
GRACE: A sad, middle-aged lady... And Grace.
[GRACE LAUGHS AT WILL.]
KAREN: Oh, Grace. I can't believe you had a chance to redecorate the Oval Office and you blew it.
GRACE: I don't know. I did manage to make one... little change.
[CUT TO THE OVAL OFFICE. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON A RED BASEBALL CAP THAT SAYS "MAKE AMERICA GAY AGAIN."]