Original Airdate 4/27/2006
Written by Jamie Rhonheimer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Blythe Danner (Marilyn Truman)
Bobby Cannavale (Vince D'Angelo)
Lesley Ann Warren (Tina)
Steven Weber (Sam Truman)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Tim Bagley (Larry)
Jerry Levine (Joe)
Reed Alexander (Jordan Truman)
Kyla Dang (Casey Truman)
SCENE I: Marilyn Truman's House, Connecticut
[GRACE, JACK, AND KAREN ENTER THE HOUSE. THERE ARE SEVERAL GUESTS STANDING ABOUT.]
GRACE: I guess we beat Will back from the funeral home. I can't believe he stayed so composed during his father's eulogy. Especially since the last time they saw each other was that huge fight.
JACK: Well, Marilyn totally kept it together, too. Will really is his mother's son. I mean, they actually have similar bodies. Heh-heh. Except Will's wrists are a little smaller.
GRACE: I feel so badly for his little gay nephew, Jordie. He was so upset.
KAREN: Jordie. Which one was he?
GRACE: The nine year old, with the little black funeral shawl. He sang "Sunrise Sunset."
GRACE: So touching.
KAREN: Then you're gonna love it the next time Stan dies and I sing "Happy Days are Here Again"! [SIGHS] Ugh. I suppose I could tolerate it if he just wasn't coming at me for sex every minute! Ugh. Grace, would you be willing to--
JACK: Oh, hey look. Here comes Will and Marilyn. Oh, his forehead is so shiny. I'm not going to say anything. You know, 'cause his dad's dead.
[WILL ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY HIS MOTHER, MARILYN.]
WILL: Hey, guys. We would have got here sooner, but my Aunt Joanne lost her keys. Turns out she dropped them into the casket. Why she chose to reorganize her purse up there is beyond me.
MARILYN: I mean, George didn't even like her. And now he has to spend the rest of eternity lying next to her Pathmark grocery card and rape whistle.
JACK: All right, now, now.
[JACK TAKES MARILYN AND WILL'S HANDS IN HIS.]
JACK: Now, listen-- If you both need anything, just let us know. Okay?
[WILL AND MARILYN SMILE AND PAT JACK'S HANDS AND WALK AWAY.]
JACK: Wow. That was like holding a lollipop and a barber pole.
[WILL WALKS INTO THE ROOM AND BEGINS PUTTING COASTERS DOWN ON THE TABLES.]
GRACE: Will, come, come sit. Talk with us.
WILL: Oh, thanks, Grace, but the rest of the guests will be getting here any minute, and my father would want everyone to be comfortable and to use a coaster. Actually, that's me. That's what I want.
KAREN: You know, honey... Normally my motto is "Drugs, Not Hugs". But today I feel different. Come on.
[KAREN HOLDS OUT HER ARMS AND HUGS WILL.]
WILL: Thank you, Karen. Look, guys, I appreciate that you're trying to make me feel better--
GRACE: We're just a little worried. That's all. You know, 'cause...
WILL: 'Cause, I know-- I had a horrible fight with my father before he died. But there's no point in focusing on that. I mean, there's nothing I can do about it. So, I would just love if today could be about celebrating his life.
GRACE: You really sure that's what you want?
WILL: Yes, I am.
JACK: I like that. You know, Will, I really loved your father. Um, this one time, I called and told him I was in the hospital and I needed $5000 dollars. And he just sent it to me, no questions.
WILL: You did what?!
JACK: Shh! We're celebrating, we're celebrating.
[WILL AND GRACE ARE IN THE DINING ROOM. WILL IS OPENING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.]
WILL: It's nice that everybody came to pay their respects to my dad.
GRACE: I know. Oh, there's Ellen. I'm gonna go say hi. Eh. I'll wait for her to find me.
WILL: Hey, guys.
[WILL'S BROTHER SAM ENTERS, CARRYING HIS DAUGHTER CASEY, WITH HIS SON JORDAN.]
WILL: Jordie, you feeling better? It looked like you really hurt your arm when you threw yourself on the casket.
JORDAN: I didn't even feel it. Performance adrenaline.
SAM: Hey, why don't you go watch TV with your Uncle Paul, huh?
[SAM PUTS DOWN CASEY AND SHE GOES OFF INTO THE OTHER ROOM.]
SAM: [TO WILL] I personally think it's a weird time to get into a "Bewitched" marathon, but you can't judge how people grieve.
SAM: So, uh... How you holding up, huh?
WILL: It's nice how many people showed up. Oh crap, I just made eye contact with Ellen. Excuse me.
[WILL WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
WILL: Ellen, thank you for coming...
SAM: [TO GRACE] So, uh, I never had a chance to congratulate you on the baby. You look terrific.
GRACE: Thank you, Sam. You okay?
SAM: Uh, you know... It's still a shock. I didn't know whether to be brave for Jordie and Casey or cry it out. So, I cried bravely. You know, like a man, in a low voice, while I was changing the oil on my car. And, uh, I also found out that being drunk helps.
JORDAN: Yeah, it's all been very Valley of Dolls. Oh. Do you even get that reference?
GRACE: Of course. It's from before you were even born. Unless you're forty. [TO SAM] He's not, is he?
[KAREN WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN. GEORGE'S FORMER MISTRESS TINA IS STANDING AT THE ISLAND MAKING STRANGE NOISES.]
KAREN: There, there... Let it out...
TINA: Oh, no. I wasn't crying. I was laughing. My hair was tickling my face. Hee-hee-hee.
KAREN: That's your laugh? Sounds like a squirrel orgy.
TINA: Thanks. Oh, you're really sweet to talk to me. When someone dies, nobody ever asks how the mistress is doing.
KAREN: Yeah. Tell me about it. Not one person came up to me at Reagan's funeral.
[IN THE DINING ROOM... JACK, LARRY, JOE, ROB AND ELLEN ARE STANDING OR SITTING BY THE WINDOWS.]
LARRY: I have a nice story about George. Uh oh. I hope I didn't oversell it.
JACK: Hey, Will, come here! Larry's got a hilarious story about your father! Best one I heard all day.
JOE: If this is the story I think it is, you'd better embellish.
LARRY: I am very stressed right now and you are not helping me.
JOE: [BACKING OFF] Okay.
WILL: Hey, guys.
ELLEN: Hey, Will. I haven't seen Grace. Is she here?
WILL: Gee, Ellen, I'm not sure. So, Larry, what's the story?
LARRY: Well, the last time I saw your father, he said the kindest thing to me. He said, "Larry, my friend, that is quite a sweater."
JACK: That's it? That's your story? That stunk. You're supposed to make him feel better about his dad, not worse about his friends.
[GRACE IS SITTING DOWN IN THE LIVING ROOM. CASEY WALKS UP TO HER.]
GRACE: Oh, hi, Casey.
CASEY: Where's Grandpa?
GRACE: Oh. Um-- Well, the truth is-- Grandpa George is gone.
[CASEY LOOKS AT GRACE.]
GRACE: Well, no, he's not gone. His spirit will be with you forever.
[CASEY LOOKS AT GRACE.]
GRACE: A spirit is kind of like a ghost. So even though your dead grandpa's body is underground, his ghost is... going to be with you forever. In your house. At school. Wherever you go. Understand?
[CASEY RUNS AWAY.]
GRACE: [TO HERSELF] Man, I rocked that.
[IN THE DINING ROOM, JORDAN IS TELLING A STORY ABOUT GEORGE TO WILL.]
JORDAN: The last time I saw Grandpa, we played baseball in the back yard. Well, we played A League of Their Own. He was Tom Hanks. I was everybody else.
WILL: That's wonderful, Jordie. Another great last moment with my dad. Really, I can't hear enough of them.
[WILL WALKS AWAY.]
JACK: [TO JORDAN] You know, you really do kind of look like Rosie O'Donnell.
JORDAN: Yeah, I get that a lot. Well, more so when I had my natural color.
JACK: Yeah. I knew it was a dye job. Hey, next time don't forget the eyebrows. Sloppy!
[SAM WALKS UP TO GRACE.]
SAM: Um, Grace? What'd you say to Casey? She's hiding in the closet, crying, because she thinks the ghost of her dead grandfather is chasing her.
GRACE: What? No. No, all I said to her was the ghost was watching her.
SAM: Oh, yes. Yes, that is different.
GRACE: Oh, Sam, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare her. God, I have-- I have no idea how to talk to kids.
[GRACE LOOKS DOWN AT HER PREGNANT BELLY.]
GRACE: This thing is gonna want to talk now and then, right?
SAM: Listen, you just have to learn to sugar coat things a little bit, you know? Like, for instance, I didn't tell Casey that mommy and daddy were getting a divorce because her mother was a crazy bitch. No, I just said that mommy was a princess, who's going to live with a prince, who's got a brokerage firm in Pelham, and used to be daddy's best friend.
GRACE: I think I got it. Ugh, thank God I stopped before I said he was wrapped in chains.
[WILL'S EX-BOYFRIEND VINCE ENTERS THE HOUSE. WILL NOTICES AND WALKS UP TO HIM.]
WILL: Vince, hi.
VINCE: Hey. I thought I'd stop by. I hope that's okay. I was at the funeral too, but I sat in the back 'cause I came in late. I went to the wrong funeral first. I thought your dad was black for like twenty minutes.
WILL: Well... thank you for coming. It means a lot.
[WILL NOTICES THAT VINCE'S RIGHT HAND IS WRAPPED IN BANDAGES.]
WILL: What happened to your hand?
VINCE: Oh, that? It's no big deal, you know. I accidentally got shot by my partner. You know, we both need to be really clear what side you land on when you're having the "Let me pick the lock/No, let me shoot it off" debate.
WILL: I guess that's a lesson you needed to learn twice.
VINCE: You know, the service? Really beautiful. It must have been comforting to hear all those really nice things people had to say about your father.
WILL: Yeah. Yeah, it did. [CLEARS THROAT] Will you excuse me a minute?
VINCE: Oh, sure.
[WILL WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. JACK WALKS UP TO VINCE.]
JACK: Oh. Hey, Vince!
[JACK SHAKES VINCE'S BANDAGED HAND.]
JACK: Oh, okay. Aah! Good to see you, too. Heh. So, listen, I'm really glad you're here.
VINCE: I'm not so sure Will is. You know, I think I'm gonna go.
JACK: No, no, no. No, no, no. I need you. I have been playing a cop in a new TV show, and I would love some pointers. The only cop things I've ever done are use handcuffs, and say to somebody, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
[VINCE AND JACK SIT DOWN.]
[IN THE DINING ROOM, KAREN, JOE, LARRY, ELLEN, ROB, AND MARILYN ARE TALKING AND LAUGHING WHEN WILL WALKS IN.]
WILL: What's going on?
MARILYN: Rob just told the funniest story about the last time he saw your father.
[GRACE WALKS IN TO GET MORE FOOD.]
WILL: Rob's got a story. Great. Super.
GRACE: You okay?
WILL: I'm fine.
ROB: How about you, Will? You must have a funny story about your dad.
WILL: No, no.
ROB: Come on!
ELLEN: Come on, Will!
WILL: All right, I got a story. Uh... I think you're all gonna get a kick out of this one. Um... The last thing my father said to me before he did was that he wished I wasn't gay.
WILL: No, no, no. That's a great story. Obviously no one saw it coming. God knows I didn't. And the best part is, that's the moment I'm stuck with for the rest of my life.
[WILL WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
[WILL IS STANDING NEXT TO THE REFRIGERATOR SIPPING A GLASS OF RED WINE.]
[GRACE WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: Will, what's going on?
[GRACE BUMPS INTO WILL AND HE SPILLS THE WINE ON HIS SHIRT AND TIE.]
GRACE: Why would you stop there? You had to know I was coming after you.
WILL: [ANNOYED] Really? You're going to blame this on me? Today?
GRACE: I'm not blaming you. [QUIETER, TO HERSELF] I'm just saying it wasn't my fault.
[WILL WALKS OVER TO THE SINK.]
GRACE: Look, the fight you had with your father does not define your entire relationship. I mean, think about it. You and I fight all the time. It's almost a statistical impossibility that you and I are not going to be in a fight when we die.
WILL: Don't say statistics to me. I took your statistics final for you.
GRACE: [QUIETER, TO HERSELF] Yeah, and I still got a C.
WILL: Unless you're touring the kitchen with the Royal Shakespeare Company, you can knock off the asides.
GRACE: No matter how it ended, your father loved you. You know that.
WILL: He said he wished I wasn't gay, Grace. That's me. I'm gay. He wished I wasn't me. And I can'tt forgive him for that.
GRACE: Okay, okay. I-I understand that you're upset. But do you think that you might also be upset because you can't forgive yourself?
WILL: For what?
GRACE: I don't know... For not forgiving him when you had the chance.
WILL: Thank you, Grace. Now on top of everything else, I get to feel guilty.
GRACE: That is not what I was trying--
WILL: No, listen. You-- You know-- I love you, and you're probably right-- It just makes me feel worse.
[WILL WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
[IN THE DINING ROOM.]
ELLEN: This is so great. All of us together, sharing stories.
ROB: I love you, honey.
ELLEN: Rob, why do you always have to ruin the moment?
[KAREN AND MARILYN ARE STANDING IN THE LIVING ROOM SIPPING MARTINIS.]
KAREN: You know, Marilyn, my husband may not be dead, but my love for him is. So if you ever need a drinking buddy, I'll drink with you. Or if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I'll drink with you. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love to drink.
MARILYN: Oh, thank you, Karen. You'll get a call.
[MARILYN NOTICES TINA TRYING TO QUIETLY SLIP OUT THE FRONT DOOR.]
MARILYN: Oh! Oh, no, Tina. Tina, please. You don't have to sneak out of here like you just heard my car pull up in the driveway.
TINA: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come.
MARILYN: Oh, no. No, no. I'm really glad that you're here. After all, we both lost someone we loved, hmm?
[MARILYN AND TINA HUG.]
MARILYN: Thank you for being George's... companion during-- during those years in the middle when he... put on a little weight.
TINA: Oh, no problem. Truth is, I kind of like 'em a little fat.
[MARILYN WALKS AWAY AS KAREN SCRAMBLES ONTO THE SOFA AND JUMPS OVER THE BACK OF IT AND RUNS UP TO TINA.]
KAREN: Excuse me, miss, how fat are you willing to go?
[GRACE WALKS UP TO CASEY, WHO IS SITTING IN A CHAIR BY THE DINING ROOM TABLE.]
GRACE: Casey, I was wrong about grandpa. He's not a ghost. He's up in heaven. And heaven is so much better than here. You get to live on a cloud made of cotton candy, and all you do is play with puppies, and-- And eat cookies for dinner. Here, you spend you whole life looking for someone to love you, and most people never find that person. So, don't you worry about grandpa. He's the lucky one. He's dead.
[WILL WALKS INTO THE LAUNDRY ROOM.]
WILL: [TO HIMSELF] Red wine...
[MARILYN IS IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM SITTING ON THE DRYER CRYING.]
WILL: Oh-- Mom.
MARILYN: Will, close the door please.
WILL: I don't think I've ever seen you cry before.
MARILYN: I hate crying in front of people, so I come in here. And nobody can hear me under the sound of the dryer.
WILL: You want me to go?
MARILYN: Maybe you should... It'll probably take a while 'til it--
[THE DRYER BUZZES AND STOPS SPINNING.]
MARILYN: Oh, there. All better.
[MARILYN STANDS UP AND COMPOSES HERSELF.]
WILL: Look, Mom... I'm sorry I snapped. I just can't stop thinking about the fight with dad.
MARILYN: Oh, Will. Your father felt terrible, too. You're his son. He was so proud of everything about you. He just got pushed against the wall, and it came out all wrong.
WILL: I know, I know. I just... should've just accepted that when it came to me being gay, he just had limitations.
MARILYN: No, he did. But, uh... You know, William, you have limitations, too.
WILL: What do you mean?
MARILYN: Well, look how that argument started. I mean, you came in and announced, for the very first time, that you wanted children. And then you were angry when we were surprised.
WILL: How could you be surprised?
MARILYN: Well, because you never share anything with us. You never have. Really, you are so secretive, Will. Honestly, I don't know where you get it.
[THE DOOR OPENS AND JORDAN PEEPS IN.]
JORDAN: Grandma, what are you doing in here?
MARILYN: Making cupcakes, darling. Go away.
[MARILYN SHUTS THE DOOR IN JORDAN'S FACE.]
MARILYN: Now, where was I?
WILL: I'm secretive and you don't know where I get it from.
MARILYN: Well, the fact is, your father was thrilled that you wanted a baby.
WILL: He was?
MARILYN: Yes. I only wished that you had told us before. Told us anything about your life. You know, you have never introduced us to any of your boyfriends. That lovely man, Vince, why has he never been to the house before?
WILL: I don't know. I guess I just never thought you'd want to meet them. Now it's too late.
[WILL PICKS UP A TISSUE TO WIPE AWAY THE TEARS.]
WILL: Ow. Ow, fabric softener. Ow. That stings. And softens.
[MARILYN RUNS A CLOTH UNDER THE WATER AND GIVES IT TO WILL.]
MARILYN: Here. It's all right. Just let it go.
[MARILYN RUBS WILL'S SHOULDERS TO COMFORT HIM.]
MARILYN: He's gone. But we're not. And if we've learned anything through all of this, you have to tell the people you love how you feel while you have the chance, hmm?
WILL: I miss him so much, mom.
[WILL BEGINS CRYING. MARILYN AND WILL HOLD EACH OTHER.]
MARILYN: Oh, darling...
[MARILYN REACHES BEHIND WILL'S BACK AND TURNS ON THE DRYER AND CONTINUES TO HOLD HIM.]
[IN THE LIVING ROOM, VINCE IS GIVING JACK SOME TIPS ON BEING A COP.]
VINCE: No, Jack. You'd only tell the person, "Put your hands in the air." You wouldn't say, "And wave 'em like you just don't care."
JACK: Okay. [SIGHS] I am learning so much. Now, does "assume the position" mean what I hope it does?
WILL: Hey, guys.
JACK: Hey, Will. Have you been crying?
JACK: Good. It's about time.
[JACK KISSES WILL ON THE CHEEK AND HUGS HIM. JACK WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM, LEAVING WILL AND VINCE ALONE.]
VINCE: So, how you doing?
WILL: It's been a rough day. Listen, it's come to my attention that I, uh... I don't always express my emotional state to the individuals that I care about...
VINCE: Really? 'Cause that was warm.
WILL: [SMILES] Look, I miss you. A lot. When I saw you walk in this room, I was so happy. And I just... I just wanted to tell you that. Even though I know you're seeing someone.
VINCE: Well, actually, Will, I'm not seeing anyone anymore. I miss you, too.
[KAREN AND TINA ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA. KAREN FINISHES UP WRITING SOMETHING ON A NOTE PAD.]
KAREN: All right. This should be everything you need to know to have an affair with Stan.
[KAREN GIVES THE PAPER TO TINA.]
KAREN: Directions to the manse, the security code, and of course, a diagram of his body. [SIGHS] The part with the arrow next to it is where you'll want to focus.
TINA: Oh, thank you. I never would have guessed to look there.