Original Airdate 4/6/2006
Written by James Lecesne
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Blythe Danner (Marilyn Truman)
Syndney Pollack (George Truman)
Eileen Brennan (Zandra)
Brooke Baumer (Alex)
Tim Hayward (Guy)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS SITTING ON THE SOFA READING A NEWSPAPER WHEN GRACE ENTERS CARRYING A BAG OF GROCERIES. SHE IS WEARING A BIG HAT.]
GRACE: So. If I hold this bag of groceries like this, can you tell I'm pregnant?
WILL: I can tell, but then, I'm not part of the rhythm nation.
GRACE: We're having dinner with your parents, and if your mother finds out that I'm pregnant because I had unsafe sex on an airplane and haven't told the father yet because he's engaged to another woman, she is going to find some way of making it sound sordid.
[WILL LOOKS AT GRACE LIKE SHE'S CRAZY.]
GRACE: Fine. I'll wear a baggy coat, but with pockets. I'm keeping this fudge close.
[GRACE PULLS SOME FUDGE OUT OF HER GROCERY BAG.]
GRACE: Still, I do not want them to find out yet. God only knows what your mother is gonna say.
WILL: Oh, I'm guessing it's something in the ballpark of, [MIMICKING HIS MOTHER'S INFLECTIONS] "Don't worry, dear. Hardly anyone uses the term 'bastard' anymore."
WILL: Or, "I would have thought a girl like you would have had a purse full of condoms."
[GRACE STOPS LAUGHING.]
GRACE: Those come way too easy for you. You know what? I'm not going.
WILL: We have to go. My parents are officially back together. Since my father broke off his affair with Tina, they want to celebrate it.
GRACE: Fine. Then we'll just talk about that.
WILL: Whoa! I said celebrate it, not acknowledge it. As far as they're concerned, it never happened.
GRACE: That's crazy.
WILL: That's Connecticut. I'm serious. That's what it says on the license plate. "Nothing potentially awkward". With a picture of a beaver looking the other way.
SCENE II: Jack's Apartment
[JACK IS TALKING ON THE PHONE, TRYING TO FIND A JOB.]
JACK: Really? Are you sure you have all the astronauts you need? [PAUSE] All right. Well, thanks for checking, Stephanie, is it? Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, thank you Warren. Okay.
[JACK HANGS UP. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND KAREN ENTERS.]
KAREN: Hey, honey. How you holding up since you got fired from "JackTalk"?
JACK: [SIGHS] Honestly, Kare... I'm a Chad Lowe. There are no jobs out there. And I've even checked outer space.
KAREN: Mmm. Trust me, honey. You do not want to work in outer space. Mm-hmm. Nope. You just spend your whole day chasing floating poop. [SIGHING] Oh. Now, Jackie, come on. I mean, I don't know who you're trying to kid. We both know there's only one thing that you ever wanted to be.
JACK: A strategically placed staple in an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog? Heh...
KAREN: No, honey. An actor. That's the only thing that you've ever been passionate about in your entire life. And look at you. You're built for it. You've got little short legs, and a big torso, and a wobbly head like Al Pacino.
JACK: Ah, never mind. I can't go back. I said farewell to acting not once, not twice, but thrice times. That's my Shakespearean training. You never lose it. I do miss it.
KAREN: Well, of course you do, honey. And you've clearly been looking for auditions. I mean, come on, there's a copy of Backstage magazine right here!
[KAREN PICKS UP THE NEWSPAPER/MAGAZINE.]
KAREN: Or, as I like to call it, Waiter Weekly.
JACK: Well, I'd be lying if I said I only bought it to hide the copy of Latino Inches I was reading on the subway. I do want to get back in, Karen! Both to acting and Latino men.
[KAREN FLIPS OPEN BACKSTAGE.]
KAREN: Hey. Look at this right here. Here's something you'd be good for.
[KAREN POINTS TO A PAGE.]
KAREN: It's for a new TV cop show, the role of "Squealing Queen #3".
JACK: Squealing Queen? How would I even begin to play that?
[JACK NOTICES THAT KAREN HAS HIS OTHER MAGAZINE FOLDED UNDER HER ARM.]
JACK: [HI-PITCHED] Karen! You're bending my ethnic porn!
[JACK GRABS THE LATINO INCHES MAGAZINE FROM KAREN AND STRAIGHTENS IT OUT.]
JACK: God. I wish I still had my acting teacher, Zandra. She was an incredible coach. The second your acting was fake, she put a cigarette out in your ear.
SCENE III: The Truman House, Connecticut
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER THE KITCHEN. GEORGE AND MARILYN ENTER THE KITCHEN TO GREET THEM.]
MARILYN: Hi, hi.
[WILL AND MARILYN HUG AND KISS.]
GEORGE: There's my son.
[GEORGE AND WILL HUG.]
GEORGE: Look at him. So good with clothes. Is there anything you can't wear?
WILL: Well... mom's clothes. Remember, we talked about that when I was ten?
GEORGE: I was never angry you were wearing them. I was angry you had them tailored. Grace--
[GEORGE HUGS GRACE AND GIVES HER A KISS ON THE CHEEK.]
GEORGE: I can't wait to get you kids down in the basement. Or as I refer to it now, the micro-brewery.
MARILYN: Oh, you know, George has taken up the most magnificent hobby. He's fermenting hops.
WILL: Wow. I haven't been down to the basement in years. Yeah. Not since I turned into a roller disco for my sweet sixteen party. Mom and I had such a good time. So, you're making beer?
GEORGE: Oh, no, no, no. It's not beer. It's small batches of boutique ale. And by the way, I called the first one "Georgie's Girl".
[GEORGE HUGS MARILYN.]
GEORGE: Because it's bubbly, full-bodied, and six-percent alcohol.
GRACE: Oh, you guys look so cute, ever since you got back to the--
[WILL NUDGES GRACE.]
GRACE: --future. The DVD. Great movie. Really brings people together. Not that you had an affair. I--
GRACE: I brought fudge.
GEORGE: Come on. Come on, kids. Have a Georgie Girl. You gotta try it.
[GEORGE GETS TWO BOTTLES OF BEER FROM THE REFRIGERATOR.]
GEORGE: Oh, be careful when you drink it, will you, because I lost a cigar during the process.
GRACE: None for me, thanks.
GEORGE: Why? You pregnant?
GRACE: No! No, I'm not pregnant. I'm--
WILL: An alcoholic. Yes. It's a shock, I know. And beer is her real problem. Th-th-that's how she got that big gut. Heh.
GRACE: Thanks for that. I... I am pregnant.
MARILYN: Oh, thank God. I would hate to think that you stopped drinking for some emotional problem.
[MARILYN HUGS GRACE, THEN GEORGE HUGS GRACE.]
GEORGE: Grace, that is fantastic news. Our little girl... Hey, who, um... I mean...?
WILL: Hey, don't look at me. I haven't been near that thing since college.
MARILYN: Well, whether you like it or not, I'm going to tell you what I think about you being pregnant.
WILL: Oh, uh, dad, why don't you take us downstairs and show us how beer is made.
GRACE: It's okay. Marilyn, I got pregnant with my ex-husband's baby, by accident.
MARILYN: Well, darling, I was about to say that I think you are going to make a wonderful mother. And whatever I can do to help, I'm here.
GRACE: Thank you.
[MARILYN REACHES OUT TO HUG GRACE. GRACE LOOKS AT WILL AND MOUTHS "WHAT THE--?". WILL SHRUGS.]
SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment
[THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. JACK OPENS THE DOOR.]
KAREN: Oh, look who I brought!
[KAREN PUSHES JACK'S OLD ACTING TEACHER, ZANDRA ZOGGIN, IN A WHEELCHAIR INTO JACK'S APARTMENT.]
KAREN: It's Zandra, your old acting teacher!
JACK: Oh, my God. Zandra, how are you?
ZANDRA: Where's that ham sandwich I ordered, you walking fart.
JACK: So, Z. Thanks for helping me with this audition. I couldn't do it without you. Here's the scene I'm working on. Now, you read the part of hard-boiled Detective Chuck Rafferty. He's one of the leads. And I'll be reading Squealing Queen #3, who says "Eek. You dropped your gun."
[JACK HOLDS OUT THE SCRIPT FOR ZANDRA. SHE PUSHES IT AWAY.]
ZANDRA: I don't want your magazine. I just wanna know when we're gonna land.
JACK: [TO KAREN] You see that, Karen? She's trying to get me to understand that I'm the pilot of my own career.
KAREN: Really? Because it seems like she's just trying to suck ketchup out of her hair.
[ZANDRA IS PLAYING WITH HER HAIR.]
ZANDRA: These fries are too thin.
JACK: Mmm. Too thin. Good point. There's not a lot on the page.
KAREN: Yeah. I don't know, honey. I took a dropper full of cat tranquilizers this morning, and even I think she's a little off. [SIGHS]
JACK: Karen. This woman is a genious, and clear as a bell.
ZANDRA: [TO JACK] I know you. You're Jack McFarland. The worse actor I ever saw!
JACK: Oh, my God, Karen, you're right! She's crazy! She's talking absolute nonsense. What am I gonna do now? I can't go on that audition. Not without Zandra.
KAREN: Honey, come on. You don't need her. Hell, I can put a cigarette out in your eye.
JACK: In my ear, Karen, not my eye! You obviously have no understanding of the craft.
SCENE V: The Truman House, Kitchen
[GRACE IS STANDING IN THE KITCHEN WHEN GEORGE ENTERS CARRYING A SMALL BOX.]
GEORGE: Hey, Grace. Look what I found in the attic. I almost broke my neck tripping over Will's old Easy Bake Oven.
GRACE: It's a gift for me?
GEORGE: For the baby.
GRACE: Oh, that's nice too.
[GRACE OPENS THE BOX AS WILL AND MARILYN ENTER.]
WILL: Hey, What's that?
GRACE: Oh, your dad just gave it to me.
[GRACE PULLS OUT A BABY-BLUE BLANKET.]
GRACE: It's a baby blanket. And, oh, and it's beautiful.
WILL: And it's mine.
MARILYN: Oh, George, that was so thoughtful of you.
GEORGE: My mother made it when Will was born. Don't let the Pierre Cardin label fool you. He sewed it in when he was eight.
GRACE: I'm so touched. It's been dry cleaned, right?
MARILYN: Oh, are you kidding? If this one didn't see it come back once a week folded over a hanger, he cried and cried.
WILL: So, wait a minute. You gave Sam his baby blanket, and you gave Paul his, but you're giving mine to Grace?
GEORGE: What do you want to do with it? Let it sit in the attic for another 40 years? Come on.
MARILYN: Whenever Will was upset, he would clutch that blanket up to his chest.
GRACE: Oh, it's sweet. Thank you, George.
[GRACE KISSES GEORGE ON THE CHEEK.]
GEORGE: This way it stays in the family.
WILL: Yeah. Sort of.
GEORGE: Let's eat, huh?
GRACE: It kind of smells like Drakkar Noir.
MARILYN: Oh, he slept on it well into junior high.
SCENE VI: A Small Office.
[JACK AND KAREN ENTER. THERE ARE A FEW CHAIRS AND A COUPLE OF GUYS SITTING AROUND. THERE IS ALSO A WOMAN (ALEX) SITTING AT A DESK.]
JACK: Thanks for taking me to this dance club, Karen. You know, to get my mind off not auditioning.
JACK: I don't know about this place. It's kind of lame.
JACK: There's no music, there's no lights, there's no bar... These losers look like they'd go home with any buck-toothed fool. [WAVING TO THE GUYS IN THE ROOM.] Hey, Adam. Hey, Ken.
ALEX: Jack McFarland? Is Jack McFarland here?
JACK: [CONFUSED] I'm Jack McFarland.
ALEX: Oh. Your audition's next.
[ALEX STANDS UP AND WALKS INTO THE NEXT ROOM.]
JACK: What?! [TO KAREN] They think I'm going to audition to be at this club?
KAREN: Jackie, how stupid are you?! This is your audition! I tricked you. Look around! [SIGHS]
JACK: I can't believe you, Karen. I said I wouldn't do this.
[JACK TURNS AROUND AND WALKS TO THE DOOR.]
KAREN: [FIRMLY] Jack.
JACK: I'm scared.
KAREN: Of what? It's only acting, for God's sake. I mean, how hard can it be? Kate Beckinsale can do it. You know what you're scared of? You're scared of doing something on your own for once in your life. I mean it, Jackie. Whether it's me paying your rent, or Will paying your bills... or Zandra helping you out with your auditions... It's always something. And you know what, honey? It was cute when you were younger. It's not cute anymore.
KAREN: Don't "Karen" me. For years now, I've watched you flit from career to career, and you always come back to this. And you know why? Because this is the only thing that you have ever really cared about. And now-- It's the only thing you've got, Jackie. So. When they call your name, you go in there and squeal like your life depends on it. Because, honey... it does. This is it, Jackie. You've run out of options.
ALEX: Jack McFarland-- We're waiting.
KAREN: Break a leg, Jack.
[JACK WALKS BACK INTO THE AUDITION.]
SCENE VII: The Truman House, Kitchen
[AFTER DINNER. WILL IS AT THE SINK WASHING DISHES. GRACE ENTERS THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: Why are you washing dishes? We haven't even had desert. There is desert, right?
WILL: We had desert.
GRACE: That cheese and fig thing? Ugh. Wasps... What's wrong with you? You pouted all through dinner. Is this about the blanket?
WILL: [HUSHED AND ANNOYED] Yes, of course it's about the blanket. I don't want to discuss it. I certainly don't want to discuss it with them.
[MARILYN AND GEORGE ENTER THE KITCHEN CARRYING THEIR PLATES.]
MARILYN: I am stuffed.
GEORGE: Uh, boy me too. Uh, I'm just going to go gas up the car. I'll be back in about five minutes.
[GEORGE PUTS THEIR PLATES ON THE COUNTER NEXT TO THE SINK.]
MARILYN: You and your rituals. You always have to fill the tank right after dinner.
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO GEORGE] Where you going?
GEORGE: [QUIETLY] Burrito place.
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Get me two.
GEORGE: You got it. [NORMAL, TO WILL] Will, you wanna go for a ride with the old man?
WILL: [SHORT] No thanks.
GEORGE: You okay?
WILL: [SNIPPY] I'm good.
GEORGE: Really? You barely said two words at dinner.
WILL: You want two words? Fine. I'll give you two words. My. Blanket.
GEORGE: Will, what does that mean? Are you upset I gave the blanket to Grace?
WILL: I'm upset that you didn't save it for me.
GEORGE: What do you want to do? You still want to sleep with that thing?
MARILYN: You know, he slept with it for so long, I finally had to tell him a black man robbed us and took it. Oh. Only now I realize how awful that sounds. I mean, today I would just say "a man." An Arab man.
WILL: I want my blanket so that I can give it to my baby.
GEORGE: Since when are you going to have a baby?
WILL: I'm not, but I might. One day.
GEORGE: Didn't occur to me.
WILL: [SCOFFS] There's a shocker. It didn't occur to you that your gay son might have kids.
GEORGE: Now, what does that mean? You want to have kids, have kids.
MARILYN: You know, I've got a bunch of blankets in the attic.
GRACE: You know what? I can take any one of those. And then Will, you can have this one back.
WILL: [ANGRY] That's not what this is about, Grace. It's about my father, after all these years, just assuming that I'm not gonna have kids because I'm gay.
GEORGE: Will, aren't you being a little dramatic?
WILL: Well, that's what we gays do, isn't it? Get overly dramatic.
GEORGE: Here we are, back in the gay minefield. The flowers are prettier, but the bombs are still there.
WILL: You think this is funny?
GEORGE: No, I think this is frustrating that every time you have a problem with me, it's because you're gay.
WILL: That's because me being gay is the problem. It's always been the problem! You keep saying you've accepted it, but every thing you do makes it obvious you haven't.
GEORGE: How dare you--
MARILYN: Who wants desert?
GEORGE: --talk to me like that. After all I've done to accept who you are.
WILL: All you've done? Wow. Is it that much work?
GRACE: He was just trying to do something nice for me--
WILL: Grace. Please stay out of this.
GEORGE: You know what? I don't need to stay here and have this conversation.
WILL: No, no, dad. We are finishing this!
MARILYN: Please, Will. Just stop this.
GEORGE: No, he doesn't want to stop. I think he's enjoying this.
WILL: You think I enjoy having a father who's ashamed of me?
GEORGE: Don't you put words in my mouth. I never said I was ashamed of you!
WILL: Then answer me this-- Would you, or would you not prefer that I was straight.
GRACE: Will, enough.
WILL: No. I want to hear him say it.
GEORGE: What? Do I think your life would be easier? Do I think you'd be happier?
WILL: So that's a yes!
GEORGE: I didn't say prefer!
WILL: No, but that's what you mean! You're just not saying the words.
GEORGE: Fine! You want the words? Yes. I'd prefer you weren't gay.
WILL: Thanks. Come on, Grace, we're leaving.
[WILL STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
MARILYN: Oh please, don't go, Will. Not like this.
[MARILYN CHASES AFTER WILL.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO GEORGE] Well, um... Thanks for the blanket...
SCENE VIII: The Audition
[KAREN IS SITTING IN A CHAIR. SHE NOTICES A YOUNG GUY WAITING FOR HIS AUDITION.]
KAREN: Say there. You look like a cute out of work gay boy.
[THE GAY BOY NODS.]
KAREN: I don't supposed you'd be interested in hopping around for pocket change and answering to the name "Poodle"?
GUY: Hmm. Do I get to play with those?
KAREN: Of course. And thank you for noticing. Do you have a card? I already have one of you, but I think I may have destroyed him.
[THE GAY BOY HANDS KAREN A BUSINESS CARD. JACK EXITS THE AUDITION ROOM.]
KAREN: [GASPS] Honey, how'd it go?
JACK: How'd it go? Thanks to you, I blew it!
KAREN: Well, whatever it takes to get the part.
JACK: No! I was so overwhelmed by what you said, I almost couldn't get the words out. I didn't do any of my trademark moves. Like sad puppy.
[JACK HOLDS HIS HANDS IN FRONT OF HIS FACE LIKE A DOG BEGGING, AND MAKES A POUTING FACE.]
JACK: Or dream state.
[JACK WIGGLES HIS FINGERS IN FRONT OF HIS FACE AND PRETENDS TO SLEEP.]
JACK: I didn't even indicate distance.
[JACK HOLDS HIS HAND AT HIS BROW AND LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM.]
JACK: [SIGHS] I just said the line like a nothing. You couldn't even tell I was acting. It was just natural and unforced. Like I wasn't even me. Like-- I became this whole other person. Who cares, it was awful! I've absolutely no flair for the dramatic! [QUIETER, LOOKING TO SIDE] Dear God, whatever will become of me...
KAREN: Well, don't worry, honey. You'll be fine, because you tried. So you didn't get this part. You'll get the next one. I'm really proud of you.
[ALEX ENTERS THE ROOM.]
ALEX: Jack McFarland?
JACK: [SIGHS] I know, I know. I didn't get the part of the squealing queen.
ALEX: No, you didn't. You got the part of Detective Chuck Rafferty.
JACK: Chuck Rafferty? The straight, angry cop with a drinking problem who beats on his wife?
KAREN: Oh. And they say the sitcom is dead. I can't believe it.
JACK: But, that's one of the leads. How is this possible?
ALEX: They said you just were Chuck Rafferty. A devastated narcissist careening toward a dismal future.
JACK: Okay. Now I know I'm good, because I don't even know half those words.
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS IN HIS PAJAMAS SITTING ON THE LOVE SEAT WATCHING TV. GRACE WALKS UP AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM.]
GRACE: You know it's been two days. When are you gonna talk to your dad?
WILL: And talk about what? I'm still gay. I have no good news for him.
GRACE: He obviously has something he wants to say to you. He's left you, like, six messages.
WILL: I'll call him later. I'm not ready now. Not now. Can we just sit here a while?
[WILL AND GRACE HUG.]
WILL: Oh, my God. Look at that.
GRACE: The baby kicked. It's happened a couple of times now.
WILL: That's amazing.
GRACE: I know. She's gonna be a soccer player.
WILL: Or he's gonna be a Rockette.
[THE PHONE RINGS.]
GRACE: Oh, my God.
[GRACE GETS THE PHONE AND LOOKS AT THE DISPLAY.]
GRACE: It's your dad. Come on. You have to talk to him. Please. Just come on.
[WILL GETS UP AND TAKES THE PHONE.]
WILL: [ANSWERING THE PHONE] Hey, dad. Hi, Mom. What are-- Oh, my God. Where are you? I-I'll be right there. I love you, too.
[WILL HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
WILL: My dad had a heart attack.
GRACE: Oh, my God. Are they at the hospital?
WILL: Yeah. But he didn't make it.
[GRACE COVERS HER MOUTH IN SHOCK.]