Original Airdate 1/26/2006
Written by Sally Bradford
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Bobby Cannavale (Vince)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Robert Michael Morris (Tommy Shields)
Mathew Botuchis (Dave)
Andy Umberger (Captain)
Casey Williams (Jean)
Heather McPhaul (Rhonda)
Kyle Bornheimer (Waiter)
Trisha Simmons (Woman)
Zach Bostrom (Josh)
Matt Huhn (Man)
SCENE I: Out TV's Offices, Jack's Office
[JACK'S ASSISTANT, DAVE, ENTERS CARRYING JACK'S MAIL.]
JACK: Ah, good morning, Elizabeth. Is that today's mail?
DAVE: Yeah... Can you start calling me Dave? My girlfriend found out about this whole "Elizabeth" thing and now she calls me that, and you know, I try to be cool with it, but it's kind of weird when we're making out.
JACK: Well, of course it's weird. You're making out with a woman. That'll be all, Elizabeth.
[JACK SMACKS DAVE ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH THE MAIL.]
[KAREN ENTERS AS DAVE EXITS AND SPANKS HIS BUTT AND HE WALKS BY.]
KAREN: Ah! Yeah, yeah! You like that, don't ya, straighty? [TO JACK] Hey, honey.
[JACK OPENS A LETTER AND BEGINS READING IT.]
JACK: Hey, Kare. You know what this is?
KAREN: A letter saying gays shouldn't be allowed on television? Because that would be horrible. And early. That thing shouldn't have gotten here until tomorrow.
JACK: No, no, it's a piece of fan mail, from Tommy Shields of Lorain County, Ohio. He and his parents just visited New York and he saw an episode of "Jack Talk." [READING] "It was neat to see how comfortable you are being gay. It made me want to come out, but I am too scared." Aww, this is so sad. [LAUGHS] Okay, alright, but then it gets funny.
JACK: Oh, but then it gets sad again.
JACK: Ah! He ended funny. Good for him. All right. Karen, this is what I've been waiting for.
KAREN: The opportunity to make it seem like you can read?
JACK: No! Can't you see? I have to go to Ohio and help little Tommy come out. That way he can come on my show and tell his story. [GASPS] This could be my Oprah moment! And then we goes to greet me, we'll do the Oprah hug.
KAREN: What's that?
JACK: Here. Try to hug me.
[KAREN HOLDS OPEN HER ARMS AND MOVES IN TO HUG JACK. JACK GRABS HER HANDS AND SHAKES THEM, LIKE OPRAH.]
JACK: Good for you, good for you!
SCENE II: The Pasta Village Restaurant
[WILL AND GRACE ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WAITING FOR ROB AND ELLEN.]
WILL: You know what? I bet Ellen's having another baby.
GRACE: How many kids is this for Rob and Ellen? Five? Six? And which one am I godmother to? The cross-eyed one, or the one with the weird ear?
WILL: It's so annoying. Another kid, another gift. I'm tired of rewarding straight, married couples for not wearing a condom.
GRACE: I know, right. How many kids do you need? It's like they're trying for a good one, and that's not gonna happen. And the thought of them going at it, just rutting like pigs--
[ROB AND ELLEN WALK UP TO THE TABLE. EVERYONE GREETS EACH OTHER WITH HUGS AND KISSES.]
ROB: Thank you guys for meeting us at our favorite restaurant. You know, on two separate occasions, Ellen's water broke right over there.
WILL: Yeah, we were here one of those nights. I remember because I was wearing sandals.
GRACE: [TO ELLEN] So... Someone looks like they've pudged out a little. Is there something you'd like to tell us?
ELLEN: Sure. First of all, I'm not pregnant, so you just called me fat for no reason. And secondly--
ROB: Let me tell them.
ELLEN: No, let me.
ROB: Let's do it together.
ELLEN: Fine. Ready?
ELLEN: One, two, three.
ELLEN AND ROB: [EXCITEDLY] We're separated!
ROB: Yep, we did it. Splitsville, Sayonara-town, Separation Station.
GRACE: No! No, no! You guys can't get separated. You've been together since college. You have five beautiful children... or so...
WILL: I gotta say, you guys seem really okay about this.
ROB: Actually, we have never been better. We used to fight all the time when we were together. And now that we're apart, it's like we're best friends again.
[ROB PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ELLEN. THEY ARE BOTH OVERJOYED AND SMILING.]
WILL: Well, I'm really happy for you guys.
GRACE: I'm not. You guys are the reason I believe marriage can still work. I mean, someone's gotta stay together besides Ben Stiller's parents.
WILL: Grace, you know, for some couples, breaking up is the right thing to do.
ELLEN: Will, you know that cop you used to date?
WILL: Vince? Perfect example of breaking up being the right thing. I mean, I know that I've definitely grown and matured.
ELLEN: No, I mean he's over there.
WILL: Vince is here? Oh, God, please don't let him see me. Criss-cross-applesauce.
[WILL COVERS HIS FACE WITH ONE HAND AND CROSSES HIS FINGERS WITH THE OTHER.]
ROB: Will, whatever happened between you and Vince?
GRACE: They broke up after he got fired from the force. Vince was kind of a mess and they agreed that he should take some time and get his act together.
[VINCE WALKS UP TO THEIR TABLE.]
VINCE: Buona sera. Anybody want something to drink?
[VINCE NOTICES WILL AND IS SURPRISED.]
WILL: Vince? You work here?
VINCE: Uh, yeah.
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO ROB AND ELLEN] I think Will's water just broke.
SCENE III: A Bowling Alley, Lorain County Ohio
[JACK AND KAREN ENTER THE BOWLING ALLEY.]
JACK: So, Tommy e-mailed me and said to meet him here. His job is spraying the shoes before renting them out to bowlers.
KAREN: Oh. When I was a boy, I worked in a supermarket. Oh! Did I say I was a boy. 'Cause I wasn't. I was a girl.
[TO WOMEN WALK UP TO KAREN. THEY ARE WEARING MATCHING PURPLE BOWLING SHIRTS.]
JEAN: [TO KAREN] Excuse me, do you bowl?
KAREN: Uh, sure. I love to "bowl." You wanna do it here, or out by the garbage cans?
JACK: I'm pretty sure these middle-aged women are asking you if you want to bowl.
JEAN: Uh, I'm 29.
JACK: Welcome to Ohio. Heh-heh.
RHONDA: We're in a league and we're one short. Is there any way you can fill in?
KAREN: Oh, I don't think so.
JEAN: Our friend Peg couldn't make it because her hatchback wouldn't start.
KAREN: Your story has moved me. I'm in.
JEAN: Great. I'm Jean and this is Rhonda.
KAREN: Anastasia Beaverhousen. Nice to meet you. Now. I'll need a 12-pound ball and a big plate of fried food. From the looks of this place, my ass has got a lot of catching up to do.
[KAREN FOLLOWS JEAN AND RHONDA TO THEIR LANE.]
SCENE IV: The Pasta Village
WILL: So, Vince... You're a-- You're a waiter. That's great.
VINCE: Yeah. This is my gun now.
[VINCE PULLS OUT A PEPPER GRINDER.]
VINCE: You have the right to remain bland! Heh-heh...
WILL: Vince, anything you say can and will be used to make me laugh. Heh-- heh-heh.
[NO ONE LAUGHS, EXCEPT FOR WILL.]
GRACE: It's so great to see you, Vince.
VINCE: Hey, you, too, Grace. How you doin'?
GRACE: Okay. You know, uh, let's see... Work's great, still living with Will, but I'm gonna get out of there any day now. What else? Oh, um, yeah, we're still waiting on waters and it's been, like, 10 minutes.
VINCE: The busboy gets that.
GRACE: Oh, gosh! Of course, I'm sorry. That was so obnoxious. It's just that the pitcher's just right there.
[GRACE POINTS TO A PITCHER ON THE COUNTER NEXT TO THEIR TABLE.]
VINCE: I forgot you were like this.
[VINCE WALKS AWAY.]
WILL: God, how sad is that? He's working as a waiter at The Pasta Village. Can you imagine anything more pathetic? I'd kill myself.
[A NEW WAITER HAS WALKED UP TO THE TABLE.]
WAITER: Hi. I'll be your new waiter. And while I'm still alive, I'll be serving you.
WILL: You-- You're our waiter? What happened to Vince?
GRACE: [TO THE WAITER] Um, I think we're gonna need another minute. I'm still trying to decide if I want the lobster spelled with two "B"s and a trademark symbol.
[THE WAITER WALKS AWAY.]
ROB: Ooh! Grace, it is better than the real thing. The shell is made out of bacon.
ELLEN: And then they inject it with cheese. And it's spelled with five "E"s.
WILL: Can you believe that?
GRACE: I know. I am totally getting it.
WILL: No! Not that. Vince sent another waiter to cover our table. God, this must be so awkward for him. You know, he went from crime doesn't pay to soup of the day.
GRACE: [SHAKING HER HEAD] Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Go talk to him. So he's a waiter. There's no reason this has to be awkward.
WILL: You're right, Grace.
[WILL GETS UP AND WALKS OFF TO FIND VINCE.]
GRACE: [EXCITEDLY TO ROB AND ELLEN] Oh, my God, I can't believe he's actually going over to see Vince. And I totally thought tonight was gonna be boring!
SCENE V: The Bowling Alley
[JACK IS LOOKING AROUND FOR HIS FAN, TOMMY.]
JACK: Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.... Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.... Tommy, Tommy, Tommy....
[JACK NOTICES A YOUNG MAN, JOSH, SITTING ALONE AT A TABLE.]
JACK: Confusion in his eyes, no product in his hair... That's my boy.
[JACK SITS DOWN AT HIS TABLE.]
JACK: Hi. You need some help, don't you?
JOSH: Yeah, I do.
JACK: Jack's here. Now. I know it can be very difficult to admit that you're gay.
JOSH: I'm not gay. I'm just looking for someone over 21 to buy me beer.
JACK: Oh. All right, you might want to go talk to that lady over there. She can get you real messed up.
[JACK POINTS TO KAREN. JOSH WALKS OFF TO SEE KAREN.]
JACK: If that's not Tommy...
[JACK LOOKS AROUND.]
[A MIDDLE AGED, OVERWEIGHT, GREY-HAIRED MAN MAN WALKS OUT OF THE BACK ROOM CARRYING A PAIR OF SHOES AND A SPRAY CAN.]
TOMMY: Jack?! Jack McFarland? It's me, Tommy!
[JACK LOOKS TOMMY UP AND DOWN.]
JACK: Nope, not him either...
[JACK LOOKS AROUND...]
SCENE VI: The Pasta Village
[WILL IS TALKING TO VINCE BY THE DOOR TO THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: Hey. Vince, look. I don't want this to be weird between us. So you went from "I'll read you your rights" to "I'll bring you your Sprites."
GRACE: Knock it off!
[GRACE THROWS A ROLL AT WILL'S HEAD.]
VINCE: You know, that's a little condescending, Will. Waiting tables is an important job. Without waiters, people couldn't, like, eat.
WILL: They could cook themselves.
VINCE: Yeah, but they couldn't eat in a restaurant.
WILL: Well, they could go to places that have self-serve.
VINCE: Will, what are you doing?
WILL: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--
VINCE: Just drop it, okay? I'm in the weeds, man. Two busboys called in sick, so I'm picking up all my dirties. My hands are covered in sauce and influenza, and I'm freaking out because I just touched my eye.
[VINCE WALKS UP TO ANOTHER TABLE. THERE IS A GENTLEMAN SITTING ALONE LOOKING AT A MENU.]
MAN: You know that guy?
VINCE: Yeah, he's my ex.
MAN: That isn't going to be a problem, is it, detective?
VINCE: No. I'm sorry. I couldn't get rid of him. I just-- I'll just tell him I'm undercover on a drug bust.
CAPTAIN: That's called blowing your cover. Just keep it together until the hand-off happens. Then we move in. Got it?
VINCE: Sir? I am totally focused on catching these sons of bitches.
[A COUPLE OF WAITERS EXIT THE KITCHEN WITH A BIRTHDAY CAKE.]
VINCE: Ooh! A birthday. I'm head clapper.
[VINCE RUNS OVER TO THE TABLE AND BEGINS CLAPPING AND SINGING.]
VINCE: One, two, three, four. [SINGING] Happy, happy...
SCENE VII: The Pasta Village
[GRACE IS SITTING WITH ROB AND ELLEN.]
ELLEN: Getting separated was a really hard decision, but once we made it--
[WILL WALKS UP AND GRACE TURNS HER BACK ON ELLEN IN THE MIDDLE OF HER SENTENCE.]
GRACE: How'd it go with Vince?
ELLEN: [CONTINUING, ANNOYED] --we felt really good about it.
WILL: I think we should leave.
GRACE: Really? 'Cause the first basked of unlimited bread sticks just got here. I mean, if we want, they can just keep coming... forever.
WILL: Vince can't even talk to me. For some reason, he thinks I'm going to judge him.
GRACE: Oh. Okay. So we're doing that again.
WILL: Doing what?
GRACE: [SIGHS] You're gonna leave him because he's a mess. Looks like that's turning into a pattern with you.
WILL: No, no, he broke up with me because he wanted to get his act together.
GRACE: Oh, come on. You left him when he needed you most.
ROB: You know, Ellen and I did the same thing--
GRACE: Okay, shush. I'm talking.
WILL: Maybe this is my fault. I feel stuck with him. What is it with me that I leave people when they need me most.
ROB: You know, we need you guys--
WILL: Not now, Rob.
[WILL WALKS AWAY. ROB SLAMS HIS FIST ON THE TABLE.]
ELLEN: [UPSET] You know, Grace... We invited you guys here to talk about me and Rob... And, well... I feel that you're not really listening to us. [SIGHS] That was hard.
ROB: You did great, honey. You really did.
[ROB RUBS ELLEN'S BACK TO COMFORT HER.]
GRACE: No, I'm listening. The two of you are both making the biggest mistake of your lives. Got it.
ROB: Wh--? No, Grace. We want to be single again.
ROB: I want to experiment. I wanna go out and buy a Corvette and use a condom.
ELLEN: Me, too! I feel all hot and sexy again. I wanna wear a belly shirt, Grace. You know... I wanna go to clubs and eat angel dust.
GRACE: Wait a minute. That's what this is about? You want to date?
GRACE: Oh, wow. Okay, well, you know, good luck. 'Cause I've been out there for the past two decades and it takes work to find someone who can stand you. And Ellen, God love you, but a belly shirt? I mean, you've been pregnant, like, thirty times. Every shirt you own is a belly shirt.
[ELLEN POUTS. ROB LAUGHS.]
GRACE: [TO ROB] Hey, what are you laughing at dough boy? You think some sexy co-ed is gonna wanna hang out at the Pasta Village with a forty-year-old accountant whose idea of sexy is making honking sounds while squeezing them? [MOCKING ROB SQUEEZING BREASTS] Honk-honk.
ROB: [QUIETLY TO ELLEN] You said you liked that.
ELLEN: Well, it's better than... [ELLEN HOLDS HER HANDS UP SHAKES HER HEAD AS IF SHE'S SHAKING HER HANDS BETWEEN TWO BREASTS.]
GRACE: Look. You're getting old. You're not very interesting. And you're both losing your hair.
[ELLEN GASPS. ROB AND ELLEN BOTH HANG THEIR HEADS DOWN AND RUN THEIR FINGERS THROUGH THEIR HAIR.]
GRACE: You belong together. If not for love, then for the mere fact that no one else is gonna take you.
ELLEN: I am not losing my hair! I starting plucking the grey ones and I couldn't stop.
[ELLEN RUNS OFF, CRYING.]
GRACE: [TO ROB] You proud of yourself? Go get it.
[ROB WALKS OFF AFTER ELLEN.]
SCENE VIII: The Bowling Alley
[KAREN WALKS UP TO JACK. SHE'S WEARING A PURPLE BOWLING SHIRT.]
KAREN: Honey, I just got a strike! And a fungal infection under my nail. Isn't that exciting? All I need is a factory job and a grey tooth and I'll fit right in.
JACK: Karen. You see that old man over there? He's Tommy.
KAREN: Man, the Midwest takes a lot out of a teenager.
JACK: I was looking for an Oprah moment, not a Willard Scott moment. There's no way I'm putting him on "Jack Talk."
KAREN: Jack, I can not believe that you won't help that man!
JACK: Why should I? He mislead me. By using the name Tommy, he implied he was young, innocent, muscular and curious.
KAREN: Honey, if that man only had one day left and you could help him to live it honestly, then that's what you should be doing. What is more important than living life as your most authentic self?
JEAN: [TO KAREN] You're up, Anastasia.
SCENE IX: The Pasta Village
[VINCE EXITS THE KITCHEN WITH PLATES OF FOOD.]
VINCE: Stop following me around. You're not supposed to be in the kitchen.
[WILL EXITS THE KITCHEN WITH PLATES OF FOOD.]
WILL: I just want you to know how sorry I am.
VINCE: It's fine. Just forget it, okay? Now go sit down. I still got ten more lobsters to pump full of cheese and paint little eyes on.
CAPTAIN: Uh, waiter, can I talk to you?
VINCE: I'll be right with you, sir
[ROB AND ELLEN SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH GRACE. THEY ARE NO LONGER HAPPY, BUT BACK TO THEIR BITTER SELVES.]
ROB: Well, we're back together. We figured it's best for the kids.
ELLEN: Yeah. We might as well make it all the way to the finish line. You know... death.
ROB: That's a cheerful way to put it.
ELLEN: It's better than your way. "Best for the kids"? The kids hate you.
ROB: The kids hate you!
GRACE: See, this feels right.
[WILL DROPS OFF THE PLATES TO A NEARBY TABLE.]
WILL: Sorry your entrees are late. We're gonna comp your appetizer.
VINCE: What? No, we're not. Get lost, Will.
WILL: Vince, this isn't you.
VINCE: Yes, it is. Now leave me alone.
WILL: Look. Why won't you let me help you. You are not being true to yourself. You are not a waiter.
VINCE: [QUIETLY, BUT FIRMLY] Yes, I am.
WILL: I think we both know you're a cop.
VINCE: [QUIETLY] Will, be quiet.
WILL: I will not be quiet. You are a cop, Vince. [LOUDLY] You are a cop!
MAN: Cops! Let's go!
[TWO MEN JUMP UP AND RUN OUT OF THE RESTAURANT.]
VINCE: Man! They're going to the parking lot. Move!
[VINCE RUNS OUT OF THE RESTAURANT, FOLLOWED BY THE CAPTAIN.]
WILL: Would you look at that? He is a cop! [TO SOME GUESTS] By the way, I would avoid the ricotta cheesecake. There was a cat sitting on the box.
SCENE X: The Bowling Alley
[JACK PULLS TOMMY ASIDE AND THEY SIT DOWN AT A TABLE.]
JACK: Okay, Tommy, listen up. I have decided to help you come out. All right? I'm not gonna lie. Initially, I had some reservations.
TOMMY: Because it's such a huge responsibility helping another person through this journey?
JACK: No, it's because you're not what I call eye candy. You're more eye patch candy.
TOMMY: Are you being bitchy? I heard of that. They do it all the time on "Designing Women"!
JACK: All right, the first step in coming out is updating your references, okay? The second step, is telling your parents.
TOMMY: I am so nervous, Jack.
JACK: No, no, no. Look. I know this is hard, but it's so much better on the other side. I promise. Hey, why don't we start with someone here? All right? You know, for practice. Like, um, this guy over here.
[JACK WALKS OVER TO THE YOUNG MAN, JOSH, WHO IS SITTING AT THE BAR DRINKING A BEER.]
JACK: [TO JOSH] Excuse me, sir? Could you come over here?
[JOSH SITS DOWN ACROSS THE TABLE FROM TOMMY.]
JACK: Yeah, great. This gentleman has something he'd like to tell you.
TOMMY: Jack, I don't think--
JACK: No, no, no. Don't think about it. Blurt it out. Trust me. It'll make you feel better. Go.
JOSH: Yeah, what is it?
TOMMY: I'm gay!
JOSH: Oh, my God. Dad, you're gay?
TOMMY: Yes, Josh. And where did you get that beer?
JACK: Wow. Two after school specials in one.
SCENE XI: The Pasta Village
[LATER. THE RESTAURANT IS MOSTLY EMPTY. WILL IS WAITING AT THE FRONT DOOR. VINCE ENTERS.]
WILL: Hey, I'm sorry. I had no idea you were undercover.
VINCE: It's okay. We caught 'em in, like, two seconds. They were exhausted from the lobster. It's got turkey in it.
WILL: Mmm. So, you're back on the force, obviously. That-- That's great.
VINCE: Yeah. And I made detective.
WILL: Wow! I gotta tell you. You know, I thought when we broke up, things sort of fell apart for you.
VINCE: Yeah, well actually, things got better. Yeah, I mean, you know, I got a promotion, and I'm dating a great guy. Oh, and I just found out I got one foot bigger than the other, so I got that going on.
WILL: It seems like things are really going well for you. A guy, huh?
VINCE: Yeah. Hey, this is what you wanted, right? For me to get more independent, and get my act together...
WILL: Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. I'm happy for you.
VINCE: Thanks. Well... I should go. I gotta go interrogate that piece of crap drug dealer. I probably don't have to worry about bagging up his dinner, right?
WILL: I already did.
[WILL GIVES VINCE THE "TO GO" BAG.]
VINCE: Well, it was really good seeing you.
WILL: Yeah. You too.
[VINCE EXITS THE RESTAURANT AND WILL GOES OVER AND SITS DOWN WITH GRACE.]
GRACE: You okay? What happened with Vince?
WILL: He's not a waiter, he's dating someone... and he's happy.
GRACE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. It's hard to find out your ex is happy.
WILL: Oh. He's got one foot bigger than the other, so it's not all wine and roses. Did I make a mistake, letting him go?
GRACE: I don't know if it's possible to ever really know.
[ROB AND ELLEN WALK THROUGH THE RESTAURANT TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR, ARGUING.]
ROB: Oh, come on! 11% is a generous tip!
ELLEN: I don't know what's grosser about you. Your cheapness, or the tiramisu you spit on the back of my neck. You make me sick!
ROB: [YELLING] You make me sick!
[ROB AND ELLEN EXIT THE RESTAURANT.]
GRACE: Well... [PROUDLY] I did that.
[WILL AND GRACE TOAST AND HAVE A DRINK.]
SCENE XII: The Bowling Alley
[KAREN WALKS UP TO JACK.]
KAREN: Ha ha! Pulaski's Bail Bonds is going to the semi-finals! Ha ha ha ha! You suck me, Barry Animal Hospital.
JACK: Hey, Karen. I'm such a good person. I helped that buxom old man. I can't wait to tell his story on "Jack Talk." I really do feel like Oprah.
TOMMY: Thank you, Jack. I feel alive for the first time.
[TOMMY OPENS HIS ARMS TO HUG JACK. JACK GRABS HIS HANDS AND SHAKES THEM, LIKE OPRAH.]
JACK: Good for you, good for you!