Original Airdate 1/12/2006
Written by Greg Malins
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Matt Lauer (Himself)
Leslie Jordan (Beverley Leslie)
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, from Stage 17 in Studio City, California... In 5 4 3 2 1... We are live.
The Walker Penthouse, A Large, Ornate Bathroom
[ROSARIO IS SITTING IN THE BATHROOM NEXT TO THE SINK. KAREN ENTERS THE LARGE BATHROOM. BEFORE SHE CLOSES THE DOOR, SHE TURNS TO TALK TO A COUPLE OF GUESTS...]
KAREN: Phil, Marlo, welcome to my home. Wouldn't be my birthday without you. Marlo, look at you. Vintage 60's with a plunging neck. Oh, and I like your dress, too. It's cute.
ROSARIO: How's your birthday party going?
[ROSARIO GIVES KAREN A HAND TOWEL.]
KAREN: Oh, I'm having a ball. How's selling Chiclets in my bathroom going?
ROSARIO: I can't complain. Yoko Ono gave me two dollars for orange Tic-Tacs. I think she likes me.
[KAREN WASHES HER HANDS AND DRIES THEM WITH THE TOWEL.]
KAREN: Oh, honey, she definitely likes you. Yeah, I just passed her in the hallway and she asked me if she could buy the big wooden statue of sitting bull that's in my bathroom.
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Hi!
WILL: Karen! You are here. When they said you were in the little girls' room, I just assumed they meant the room where you keep the maids' children.
GRACE: [TO KAREN] This is the most amazing party I have ever been to! Celebrities everywhere! You know the best thing to do at a party full of famous people?
WILL: Treat them normally and let them enjoy their evening?
GRACE: No. Play ass tag. The person who touches the most celebrity ass without them knowing wins. I just got Liza Minelli. I think I broke her hip again.
[ROSARIO HANDS GRACE A TOWEL BEFORE SHE WASHES HER HANDS IN THE SINK.]
WILL: [TO KAREN] Now, I know you said not to bring anything, but I went ahead and made my award-winning Charleston Harbor pickled shrimp.
GRACE: You didn't win an award. You said look what I made for Karen and I said, "what do you want, a medal?"
KAREN: Great. Pickled shrimp. Happy Rockefeller is gonna be farting all night long.
WILL: Hey, trust me. People are gonna love it. It's a sophisticated, elegant dish for a sophisticated, elegant evening. I gotta piss.
[WILL WALKS INTO THE WATER CLOSET. GRACE DROPS THE TOWEL INTO THE HAMPER.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] Are you sitting down?
[WILL CLOSES THE DOOR TO THE WATER CLOSET.]
[JACK ENTERS THE BATHROOM.]
JACK: Ah, there you are. You are not going to believe who's here. Antoine! Remember him?
[ROSARIO GIVES JACK A HAND TOWEL.]
JACK: Thank you, dear.
[JACK WASHES HIS HANDS.]
JACK: We had that horrible break up when he cheated on me. Literally on me. I woke up and he was having sex with another man on top of me. They had no idea I was asleep under the covers. Since the whole thing played out in a display window at bed, bath & beyond, I was the laughing stock of that weird part of 6th avenue. So now we meet again, and I am a huge success, while he's serving goat cheese tartlets to something called Gore Vidal. Anyway, I'm gonna go rub it in his face. Literally in his face. Happy birthday, too.
[JACK EXITS THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: Oh, Karen, I am so happy that you decided to throw yourself a big birthday party this year.
[WILL EXITS THE WATER CLOSET AND GOES TO THE SINK TO WASH HIS HANDS.]
WILL: Yeah, it beats the three of us dragging you down to Chinatown every year for our little dinner.
KAREN: I love Chinatown. You can buy a bag of zippers this big for a dollar. I hand them out to poor kids. Aw, the look on their little faces as they zip and unzip their new toy.
GRACE: Yeah, well, um, we should get back out there. I don't want to miss a minute of the party. I'm gonna try and get Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins in a double.
WILL: When are those two gonna get married already? I mean, we get it. You're liberal.
[GRACE AND WILL EXIT THE BATHROOM.]
KAREN: Well, thanks for coming, kids. Really. I'm just so glad that you're all here.
[KAREN SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.]
KAREN: [TO ROSARIO] What the hell are they doing here?! I specifically told you not to invite them!
ROSARIO: I'm sorry lady, I sent them invitations by mistake.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Oh yeah? I think the real mistake was when your father spotted your mother across a crowded swamp, dragged her back to his hut and made you.
ROSARIO: I never should have shown you our home movies.
[A BIT LATER. KAREN IS ALONE IN THE BATHROOM. SHE SHAKES A BOTTLE OF PILLS AND READS THE LABEL.]
KAREN: How many of these am I supposed to take again?
[KAREN ROLLS A PAIR OF DICE.]
KAREN: A yes, eight.
[WILL ENTERS THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: All right, that's it. I am no longer watching the "today" show. And not just because Katie Couric has so many highlights it's like looking directly into the sun. Matt Lauer has insulted me.
KAREN: What happened, honey? Did he make fun of your forehead? Or your beady eyes? Your gay mouth? What was it?
WILL: I saw him take a bite of one of my Charleston Harbor pickled shrimp, make a big, stupid face, and then throw it behind the fireplace stools.
[KAREN PUTS HER PILL BOTTLE BACK INTO THE MEDICINE CABINET.]
KAREN: That's what you were doing on your hands and knees in front of the mantle. I thought you met someone and were doing the gay presenting of the butt ritual.
WILL: Karen, that only happens in your disgusting imagination. And Tuesday nights at baboon bar. No, I was retrieving the shrimp so I could shame Lauer in front of his cronies and then I stood up and ripped my pants. Please tell me you have a sewing kit here.
[MATT LAUER ENTERS THE BATHROOM.]
MATT LAUER: Oh. I didn't know anyone was in here. Sorry.
KAREN: Hey, Mattie.
MATT LAUER: Hey, Kare. How you doing? Do you mind if I grab a mint or something? I have this, bleh, nasty taste in my mouth.
MATT LAUER: Yeah.
WILL: What you have, sir, is a lazy pallet. And by the way, where in the world are Matt Lauer's manners?
[GRACE ENTERS THE BATHROOM AND "ACCIDENTALLY" BUMPS INTO MATT LAUER.]
GRACE: Oh, oh, hi.
MATT LAUER: How are you?
[GRACE "ACCIDENTALLY" DROPS HER CLUTCH.]
GRACE: Oh, oops.
[MATT LAUER BENDS OVER TO PICK UP THE HAND BAG AND GRACE "ACCIDENTALLY" TOUCHES HIS BUTT.]
MATT LAUER: You already got me.
GRACE: Ah, damn it.
KAREN: Wow. Sounds like you kids are having kind of a bad night. Maybe you should go home.
WILL: Oh, no!
GRACE: I'm having a great time!
KAREN: Fine. Well. I'm going to go open my presents from Stan. Every year he hides my big gift in the overhang above his bikini area.
[KAREN EXITS THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: Check it out. I just touched Philip Seymour Hoffman's ass and he grabbed my boob. That man just got nominated for a golden globe and then he grabbed one of mine. What do you think of that?
WILL: I think "globe" is a little generous. And he got some chicken pesto on your dress.
GRACE: [GASPS] oh, no! I kept the tags on it so I could return it tomorrow! Oh, my gosh, I have got to get cold water on this right away.
[GRACE TAKES OFF HER DRESS AS WILL TAKES OFF HIS PANTS.]
GRACE: Oh, my god, this is the biggest, most obvious stain ever.
[JACK ENTERS. THE LEFT HALF OF HIS FACE AND BODY AND HIS BACKSIDE ARE COVERED IN PINK "GOOP".]
WILL: Wow, I guess you can actually be too gay. Some of yours is leaking out.
JACK: Yeah. Antoine and I decided to talk. So I sit down on this beautiful three-tiered chair, when all of the sudden after a few seconds, plbt, the whole thing gives out. You know what it turns out it was?
GRACE: Karen's birthday cake?
JACK: Oh. I was going to say antique cake chair, but yours makes more sense.
[JACK TAKES OFF HIS SHOES AND JACKET.]
JACK: Anyway, Rosie's coming in with a quick change of clothes while I take a shower.
[JACK WALKS INTO THE SHOWER STALL.]
GRACE: Why don't you get undressed out here?
JACK: And leave myself exposed for Will to jump me? No thanks.
WILL: Oh, wait, did Philip Seymour Hoffman have some of my pickled shrimp on his plate? I ask because it was right next to the chicken pesto, so it only makes sense--
GRACE: No, no, no! No one likes your pickled shrimp. You know why? Pickled. Shrimp.
[JACK TURNS ON THE SHOWER AND BEGINS WASHING HIMSELF.]
WILL: Yeah, say whatever you want. They're gonna catch on. Pretty soon, everywhere you look, you're see gonna pickled shrimp.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE ENTERS THE BATHROOM.]
BEVERLEY: Well, well, well... I walk in on a naked man, a man in his underpants, and a woman who needs to leave.
WILL: Beverley, this isn't a good time.
BEVERLEY: And I'm saying it could be.
GRACE: Get out!
BEVERLEY: Oh, settle down, woman. Look at y'all. I've never witnessed such inappropriate behavior.
[BEVERLEY WALKS OVER TO THE SHOWER AND TRIES TO LOOK OVER THE TOP. JACK SMACKS HIM ACROSS THE FACE THREE TIMES.]
BEVERLEY: No wonder Karen's never invited you to her birthday party.
WILL: What? This is the first time she's ever thrown herself a party.
BEVERLEY: Oh, my... Have I been indiscreet? 'Cause I'd hate to be the one to tell you Karen's been having this party for ten years. Really hate it.
[BEVERLEY EXITS, BUT THEN OPENS THE DOOR AND PEEKS BACK IN.]
BEVERLEY: Really. Ten years. Hate it.
GRACE: I can't believe it.
JACK: This is impossible.
WILL: All these years and she's been lying to us.
JACK: It's worse than that. Karen uses Costco shampoo!
[JACK HOLDS UP A LARGE GALLON JUG OF SHAMPOO.]
WILL: This is unbelievable. All these years we've been talking Karen out on her birthday because we felt bad she didn't have a party.
GRACE: And all along she was having this huge thing behind our backs.
[JACK EXITS THE SHOWER, WITH A BIG TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND HIS CHEST AND WAIST. HIS HAIR IS ALSO WRAPPED IN A TOWEL.]
JACK: I know. I hate when people have huge things behind my back. [BEAT] Usually. Heh-heh...
[JACK WALKS INTO THE CLOSET.]
WILL: Rosie, why has Karen had this party for ten years and never invited us until now?
ROSARIO: You weren't invited to this one either. I screwed up and put you on the list.
[JACK EXITS THE CLOSET WEARING ONE OF KAREN'S ROBES, A RED ROBE WITH FEATHER CUFFS AND TRIM.]
JACK: It's outrageous! Why wouldn't she want the three of us here?
ROSARIO: You weren't invited because of one person and one person only.
[KAREN'S VOICE COMES OVER THE INTERCOM.]
KAREN'S VOICE: Rosie?
[ROSARIO PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE INTERCOM.]
ROSARIO: [INTO INTERCOM] This is Rosie. Come back.
KAREN'S VOICE: Get out here. I want to introduce you to Diane Sawyer.
ROSARIO: [GASPS] I'm thrilled. She's my idol.
KAREN'S VOICE: We're thinking of doing a trade and she wants to check your hair for lice.
ROSARIO: [INTO INTERCOM] At least I have hair, lady.
[ROSARIO EXITS THE BATHROOM.]
JACK: One person. What does that mean?
WILL: Well, obviously, she's embarrassed by one of us. And she can't invite the other two, so none of us get to come.
JACK: Well, who's she embarrassed by?
GRACE: Gee, I wonder who, Mrs. Roper.
JACK: Yeah, well... I don't get that reference to "Three's Company."
WILL: While you two geniuses figure this out, I'm going to go tell Karen that it's okay if I'm the only one she invites next year. Because it's obviously not me she's embarrassed by.
[WILL EXITS THE BATHROOM WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON.]
[WILL RE-ENTERS THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: In case anyone was wondering, Beverley Leslie comes up exactly to my penis.
GRACE: You still sure you're not the one she's embarrassed by? You basically just showed a leprechaun your pot of gold.
WILL: You told John McCain you loved him in "cheaper by the dozen."
JACK: I fooled around with Antoine on top of all the coats. If she's embarrassed by anybody, it's me. Wait... Anyway, it's obviously you, Grace. Because, you know, you're a woman. That's always a little embarrassing.
GRACE: You know what I hear when you talk? "Blah blah blah blah blah."
JACK: You know what I see when you talk? William hurt in a wig.
WILL: You are both embarrassing! If I had a party, I wouldn't invite either of you.
GRACE: I wouldn't want to go because everything would be pickled!
WILL: Do people not know how long it takes to pickle something? I had to buy a barrel, for God's sake. Those aren't easy to find. You'd think they'd sell them at Crate & Barrel. But, guess what? They don't. They don't sell crates, either. Hey, next time, save me the trip and name your store Ottomans & Wicker Crap!
GRACE: You're a pompous bore, Will.
WILL: What did you say to me?
GRACE: I said, you are a pompous bore.
[WILL PICKS UP KAREN'S TALC POWDER AND THROWS IT AT GRACE. SHE DUCKS AND IT HITS JACK IN THE FACE.]
[JACK PICKS UP AN AEROSOL SPRAY CAN AND SPRAYS IT AT WILL. HE DUCKS AND IT SPRAYS FOAM ALL OVER GRACE'S FACE.]
[GRACE WIPES HER EYES AWAY.]
GRACE: You are so dead!
[GRACE PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF LOTION AND SQUEEZES IT. IT'S POINTED AT HER AND IT SQUIRTS ALL OVER HER FACE.]
[JACK AND WILL LAUGH. AS WILL IS LAUGHING, JACK SPRAYS HIM IN THE FACE WITH HIS CAN.]
WILL: Stop! Stop it!
[JACK AND GRACE BOTH SPRAY WILL WITH A QUICK SPRAY.]
WILL: Hey! Stop it!
[JACK AND GRACE BOTH SPRAY WILL WITH A QUICK SPRAY.]
WILL: Hey! We are behaving like children!
GRACE: You're right.
[JACK AND GRACE BOTH SPRAY WILL CONTINUOUSLY.]
[WILL PICKS UP A BAG OF COTTON BALLS AND THROWS THE COTTON BALLS AT JACK AND GRACE.]
[GRACE RUNS AWAY TO KAREN'S VANITY.]
WILL: This is not a good weapon.
[WILL THROWS THE BAG DOWN AND RUNS TO THE SINK TO GET SOMETHING ELSE.]
[GRACE GRABS A BOTTLE OF SALINE SOLUTION AND SPRAYS JACK IN THE FACE.]
JACK: Grace! You got Visine in my eye!
[JACK OPENS HIS EYES. THE SALINE WASHED AWAY ALL OF THE POWDER.]
[WILL THROWS A TOWEL AT JACK'S HEAD.]
[THE THREE GRAB ANYTHING THEY CAN GET THEIR HANDS ON AND THROW IT/SPRAY IT/SQUIRT IT AT THE OTHERS.]
[WILL GRABS A BLOW DRYER AND TURNS IT ON AS GRACE SPRAYS HIM WITH BABY POWDER. IT BLOWS BACK IN HER FACE.]
[GRACE TRIES TO GRAB THE BLOW DRYER FROM WILL AND THEY SLAM INTO THE MEDICINE CABINET. THE CABINET DOOR OPENS AND DOZENS OF PRESCRIPTION PILL BOTTLES FALL OUT OF THE CABINET ONTO THE FLOOR.]
[EVERYONE IS IN SHOCK. KAREN ENTERS.]
KAREN: What? Great. Now I'm gonna have to climb back onto the roof and load them all back into the hatch. [SIGHS] Rosie! Get in here and clean this up.
[ROSARIO ENTERS, WITH A VACUUM CLEANER STRAPPED TO HER BACK.]
ROSARIO: Okay. Everybody clear out. This Will only take a second.
WILL: Shouldn't somebody help her?
KAREN: Nobody helps her. She makes 350 thousand dollars a year.
GRACE: What kind of prescription plan are you on, by the way?
WILL: I think it's the, uh, sneak a truck across the Canadian border plan.
[ROSARIO CONTINUES TO VACUUM.]
ROSARIO: Man, this is even harder than cleaning up that stinky, slimy pile of shrimp someone dumped in the ficas tree. Okay. All done.
[WILL, JACK, GRACE TURN AROUND. THE ROOM IS SPOTLESS.]
ROSARIO: I'm sorry it took so long. I had to change the bag.
KAREN: I know. Isn't she fantastic? Honey, when I free you, you're getting forty-two acres and a mule. Nope, a pony. No, a cat. Nah, I'm keeping the land. You'll get a trick cat that can ride a pony and make a fortune. Get out.
[ROSARIO EXITS THE BATHROOM.]
KAREN: Now, what the hell happened here?
WILL: Karen, why have you never invited us to this party?
KAREN: Oh. Heh. You found out about that. Well... This is only the second year I've had the party--
JACK: We know it's been ten.
KAREN: Oh, you found out about that. Well... The reason that I did invite you this year--
GRACE: We know Rosie invited us by mistake.
KAREN: Oh, you found out about that.
GRACE: Karen, come on. Rosie told us you didn't invite us because of one person. Who is it? It's Will, right?
WILL: It's not me, it's you!
GRACE: No, It's you!
JACK: It's you! And--
KAREN: All right, all right, it's me! It's me, okay. The one person is me. You know how every year for my birthday you people take me out to some crappy dinner? [SIGHS] Well, I guess I was afraid if you found out about this party, you wouldn't do that anymore. That crappy dinner is the thing I look forward to the most. That's my real birthday.
GRACE: Oh, Karen, that's so sweet.
WILL: I've only ever been 90% sure you were human... But, lady, you just bumped it up to 95.
GRACE: And to think that we-- we thought that you were embarrassed by us.
KAREN: Now, come on. How in the world could I ever be embarrassed by you? Honey, you got a tampon in your hair.
[GRACE PULLS THE TAMPON OUT OF HER HAIR.]
JACK: But if you were worried we'd cancel our dinner, why didn't you just say something?
KAREN: Well, I'm a proud woman, Jackie. Sometimes it's hard for me to talk about my feelings. Plus I'm high most of the time, so there's that.
WILL: If you want, we can still do dinner tomorrow night.
KAREN: Oh, that'd be nice.
JACK: Happy birthday, Kare.
[WILL, JACK, AND GRACE TRY TO HUG KAREN.]
KAREN: Ah ah ah!
[MATT LAUER ENTERS THE BATHROOM.]
MATT LAUER: Okay. I can't wait any longer. I need to tinkle.
[MATT HURRIES INTO THE WATER CLOSET.]
GRACE: Are you sitting down?
[MATT SHUTS THE DOOR.]