Original Airdate 1/5/2006
Written by Gail Lerner
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Taye Diggs (James)
Steven Petrarca (Ralph)
Jennette McCurdy (Oldest Girl)
Gigi Goff (Littlest Girl)
Nick Nervies (Boy)
Jennie Fahn (Mom #1)
Candy Ford (Mom #2)
Julie Fleischer (Mom #3)
SCENE I: The Corner Coffee Shop
[WILL, KAREN, AND GRACE ARE SITTING AT A TABLE. WILL AND GRACE ARE READING NEWSPAPERS.]
KAREN: Oh. That was delicious. You know, there is nothing like a balanced breakfast to start your day off right.
WILL: What's balanced about nine uppers and an iced coffee?
KAREN: At home I had nine downers and a hot tea.
GRACE: Oh! I'm so excited! The Sound of Music Sing-Along is back! And I'm not missing it this time. Oh, it's going to be so much fun. We can dress up like the characters, and sing all the songs. [TO WILL] Oh, we can go as Maria and Captain Von Trapp. [LOUDLY] I call Maria!
KAREN: Well. I just hope there aren't too many gay guys there dressed like nuns. Brings back bad memories of Catholic school.
[WILL POURS CREAM INTO HIS COFFEE AND STIRS IT.]
WILL: I don't know. Gay guys and sing-alongs? It's all a little to obvious, isn't it? I just hate to feel like a stereotype.
[WILL TAKES A DRINK OF HIS COFFEE.]
WILL: Mm! This is whole milk! Great. I just drank whole milk. Now I'm fat and I'll never find love.
[WILL TAKES HIS COFFEE TO THE COUNTER TO GET A NEW CUP.]
GRACE: You're coming. And stop pretending like you don't like this movie. Your mother showed me those photos. You know the ones I'm talking about.
WILL: All right. It'll be fun. And where else can you see grown men in floral short shorts belting out show tunes?
[JACK ENTERS WEARING FLORAL OVERALL SHORTS.]
JACK: [SINGING C MAJOR SCALE] Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do, so do!
SCENE II: A Cinema on 39th Street, The Sound of Music Sing-Along
GRACE: Do you think people can tell I'm Maria, even though I don't have my Captain Von Trapp?
KAREN: Of course, honey. You make a perfect Maria. You're sweet and perky, and you're obviously not cut out to be a nun.
[GRACE STOPS SMILING.]
KAREN: Because you're a whore.
GRACE: Thanks, Karen.
KAREN: And a Jew.
GRACE: Yeah, I got it!
[THREE GIRLS WALK BY WEARING WHITE DRESSES.]
GRACE: Oh, how cute! Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes.
JACK: Yeah, I don't think those are girls.
KAREN: You know, as much fun as this is, I think I'm going to get a drink. Actually, more like sixteen going on seventeen.
[KAREN WALKS OFF.]
JACK: Mm-mm-mm mm mm mm. What is that vision in brown at the candy counter?
GRACE: Oh, I know. Doesn't that Hershey bar look delicious?
JACK: I'm talking about the cute guy, not candy. [SCOFFS] Later hosen.
[JACK WALKS AWAY TO THE CANDY COUNTER.]
[WILL ENTERS A MOVIE THEATER AND LOOKS AROUND. HE IS DRESSED AS CAPTAIN VON TRAPP.]
[JAMES, AN ATTRACTIVE AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN, ENTERS THE THEATER AND GIVES WILL HIS TICKET.]
JAMES: Here you go.
WILL: What am I supposed to do with this?
JAMES: Well, you're supposed to tear it in two, give me one half, and I guess keep the other half for your big theater scrap book.
WILL: I'm not an usher.
JAMES: Well, then why are you dressed like an usher?
WILL: I'm not. I'm Captain Von Trapp. I have seven singing children and my cold heart was recently melted by a young nun.
JAMES: Where do you think you are?
WILL: Uh, at the Sound of Music Sing-Along. Where do you think you are?
JAMES: At the 7:40 showing of Memoirs of a Geisha.
WILL: Ooh. I think you're in the wrong place.
JAMES: If this isn't the theater showing Memoirs of a Geisha, then why are all these people coming out going "Eh."
[WILL'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hey.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Where are you?
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Where are you?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] I'm right by the door.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] I'm by the door.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] I don't see you. Are you at the entrance at 39th?
WILL: [INTO PHONE] 39th? I thought you said 3rd and 9th! That's the last time I let you give me directions while you're eating a muffin.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Well, get here as fast as you can. I'm all dressed up as Maria. I look like an idiot without you.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] While I, in a Viennese captain's uniform, fit right in at the 7:40 showing of Memoirs of a Geisha. I'll be there as soon as I can.
[WILL HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
JAMES: 39th Street. That's "fa"... sounds like you've got a long, long way to run.
WILL: [CHUCKLES] Heh. I guess I'm the one that looks like a complete fool. Heh-heh.
JAMES: Don't feel too bad. My shoes don't match my belt.
JAMES: Actually they do.
WILL: I can't believe I'm in the wrong theater.
JAMES: Well... Maybe you're not.
SCENE III: The Cinema, Sound of Music Sing-Along
[JACK IS AT THE CANDY COUNTER TALKING TO THE CONCESSIONS COUNTER MAN, RALPH. GRACE IS SITTING NEARBY ON A ROUND SOFA IN THE LOBBY.]
JACK: So. Tell me something, peanut brittle. If we were boyfriends, would I be able to get free nachos?
RALPH: Yes. Would you like some free nachos?
JACK: Oh, no I couldn't! I'm watching your figure.
[JACK AND RALPH LAUGH.]
[KAREN WALKS OVER TO GRACE.]
KAREN: I was just in the bathroom and what do you know. I just scored a few of my favorite things.
[JACK WALKS UP TO GRACE AND HANDS HER A SODA.]
JACK: It's official. Ralph and I are in love. His butter might be fake, but his feelings for me are very real.
[JACK WALKS BACK TO THE CANDY COUNTER.]
GRACE: [TO KAREN] All right. I have to wait for Will. You go and save seats in the front row of the balcony. I brought marionettes to dangle over the orchestra during "Lonely Goatherd."
[GRACE HANDS KAREN A BAG.]
KAREN: [SIGHS] You know, honey, if you put even half this much energy into finding a man... Nah, probably still wouldn't work.
[KAREN TAKES THE BAG AND WALKS INTO THE THEATER.]
[A MOM ENTERS WITH THREE GIRLS.]
MOM #1: I'm double parked. Can you keep an eye on them for a second?
[THE MOM RUNS OUT, LEAVING THE GIRLS WITH GRACE.]
GRACE: Uh, no. Not really--
MOM #1: Thank you!
GRACE: Wh--? Hey! What do I look like? Some kind of nanny?
[GRACE LOOKS DOWN AT HER OUTFIT AND SIGHS.]
SCENE IV: The Movie Theater
JAMES: So, what is it about the Sound of Music that makes otherwise reasonable people dress up and act like lunatics?
WILL: You're asking the wrong person. I'm just going for my friends. I'm not really a fan. I think the whole movie is dopey and sentimental--
JAMES: Oh, really? 'Cause I love it.
WILL: Oh, thank God, because I love it, too! I know the lyrics to every song, and the last time I was hiking, a helicopter flew over and I twirled and twirled 'til I threw up.
JAMES: Wow. I, uh, I guess I just like it then.
[WILL'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
WILL: Excuse me.
[WILL STEPS AWAY AND ANSWERS THE PHONE.]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hello?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Where are you?
WILL: [INTO PHONE] I think I met someone!
[CUT TO GRACE AT THE SING-ALONG.]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] I don't see how that's possible, because every gay man in the city is in this theater. There's so much lisping going on, it sounds like someone poked a hole in the lobby.
MOM #2: I just have to run off to the bathroom. Do you mind if they sit with you and your girls?
[THE MOM DROPS OFF HER TWO BOYS WITH GRACE. THEY SIT ON THE SOFA WITH GRACE AND THE THREE GIRLS.]
GRACE: No, they're not my--
MOM #2: Thanks!
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Oh, this sucks! Just hurry up!
WILL: [INTO PHONE] All right.
[WILL HANGS UP.]
WILL: [TO JAMES] Sorry. Problem with Maria.
JAMES: I see. How do you solve a problem like Maria?
[WILL AND JAMES CHUCKLE AT HIS LYRICAL JOKE.]
WILL: How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
[WILL AND JAMES CHUCKLE.]
WILL: I'm done with those.
JAMES: Yeah, me too.
SCENE V: The Cinema, Sound of Music Sing-Along
[KAREN IS SITTING DOWN IN THE FRONT ROW OF THE BALCONY. JACK SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER, CARRYING TWO SODAS AND A BOX OF CANDY.]
JACK: Hey. I brought us some sodas. And Ralph gave me fire balls.
KAREN: Try not to itch, honey. It only makes it worse.
[JACK HOLDS OUT THE SODA FOR KAREN.]
KAREN: Thank you.
[KAREN PUTS HER FINGER ON THE END OF THE STRAW AND PULLS IT OUT AND DROPS IT INTO A METAL FLASK. SHE TAKES A SIP THROUGH THE STRAW.]
KAREN: Ah... Just the right amount of soda.
JACK: You brought liquor into a movie theater? That is so classy.
KAREN: Well... Everything I do has a touch of class, Jackie.
[KAREN DRINKS UNTIL THE FLASK IS EMPTY AND MAKING SLURPING NOISES. THEN SHE TOSSES THE FLASK OVER THE BALCONY.]
JACK: You hit someone! Oh, he's okay, though. But his wife is complaining to an usher. She's really steamed. Which I guess is appropriate, since she's dressed as a bright, copper kettle.
KAREN: Crap. I had to hit one of the six straight people here. They're so litigious. They're all like, [WINING] "Oh, I got hit by a bottle." You hit a queer and they're like, "Did I just get hit by a bottle? Eh. All in a day."
JACK: Karen, that is an ugly and offensive remark which has no basis in reality.
[A CUP FLIES THROUGH THE AIR AND HITS JACK IN THE HEAD. JACK LOOKS AROUND.]
JACK: [SHRUGS] Eh. All in a day.
[THE MANAGER'S VOICE IS HEARD OVER THE P.A. SYSTEM.]
MANAGER'S VOICE: We'll be holding the film until we find the person who threw an object from the balcony.
KAREN: I don't care. Hold it.
MANAGER'S VOICE: If you have any information as to this person's identity or whereabouts, please report to an usher immediately.
KAREN: Big deal. Like what are they gonna do?
MANAGER'S VOICE: What we are gonna do is call the police and have them arrest the guilty party.
JACK: [WHISPERING] Karen, we gotta get out of here!
KAREN: [WHISPERING] Hold on, hold on. [LOUDER] Do you have any leads?
JACK: I guess he went on break.
[KAREN AND JACK RUN OUT OF THE THEATER.]
SCENE VI: The Cinema, Sound of Music Sing-Along
[KAREN AND JACK SNEAK INTO THE THEATER LOBBY. KAREN WHISTLES NON-CHALANTLY.]
JACK: Okay, let's make a run for it.
KAREN: Honey, we can't. My name was on that flask.
JACK: You put your name on the flask?
KAREN: Yeah. It says "Karen Walker, Bikini Inspector." I got it on spring break.
JACK: I hardly saw you that trip. You were so into your "Rich Women Gone Wild" shoot. Okay. So you go back in the theater and try and find it. I'll see if Ralph has heard anything.
[KAREN WALKS BACK INTO THE THEATER. JACK WALKS OVER TO THE CANDY COUNTER TO TALK TO RALPH.]
JACK: Hello, Ralph. Listen... I heard somebody threw a flask over the balcony? Any idea who that was?
RALPH: How did you know it was a flask?
JACK: I didn't. You just said it was.
RALPH: Oh, that's right. Well, they still don't know who did it. You didn't see anything, did you?
JACK: No. Once Karen threw it, I just ran.
RALPH: Right. Well, if you hear anything, let me know.
[GRACE IS STILL SITTING IN THE LOBBY WAITING FOR WILL. THE FIVE CHILDREN ARE SITTING WITH HER.]
[MOM #3 ENTERS WITH A BOY AND A GIRL.]
MOM #3: Oh, great. Child care.
[THE MOM LEAVES HER TWO CHILDREN WITH GRACE.]
GRACE: Child, yes. Care... [GRACE SHAKES HER HEAD.] Ugh. I can't believe I'm missing this movie. Where the hell is Will?
OLDEST GIRL: [ANNOYED] We don't know, so please stop asking.
GRACE: You know, what? You're right. I apologize to you. And you. And yieu, and yieu, and yieu.
[THE KIDS AREN'T LAUGHING.]
GRACE: If you were gay, you'd be rolling.
OLDEST GIRL: Why? Is that from the movie?
GRACE: Well, yeah, it's from-- Have you never seen this?
[THE CHILDREN ALL SHAKE THEIR HEADS 'NO'.]
GRACE: It's just-- It's a-- It's just the best movie ever! What kind of parents do you have?
OLDEST GIRL: Well, they left me here with you.
GRACE: So you don't know any of the songs? Okay now. I'm starting to think I was sent to you children for a reason.
[GRACE STANDS UP IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.]
GRACE: I'm going to teach you. [SIGHS] But where to start? Ah! [SINGING HIGH-PITCHED AND OFF-KEY] "Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start..."
BOY: Is this how it sounds in the movie?
GRACE: Kinda. Her voice was warbly sometimes. Mine is a little more pure. [SINGING] When you read, you begin with--
[JACK RUNS UP TO GRACE.]
JACK: [WHISPERING] Grace, Grace, Grace. Karen threw a flask over the balcony and they're gonna hold the movie until they find her. On the plus side, Ralph and I just had our first kiss and his lips taste like Snowcaps.
SCENE VII: The Movie Theater
[WILL AND JAMES ARE SITTING AT A COUNTER HAVING A DRINK.]
WILL: So, James, you're seeing Memoirs of a Geisha alone, on a Saturday night. No matter what anybody says, I don't think that's sad.
JAMES: [CHUCKLES] I agree. Sad would be showing up dressed as a kimono.
[WILL AND JAMES LAUGH.]
JAMES: Unless that's what you're planning to wear when you see it... which would be cool.
WILL: No. That would be crazy. It's January. You know how hard it is to get sidewalk salt out of raw silk? Heh... I feel I need to say this... I'm not a drag queen. You know that, right?
[WILL'S CELL PHONE RINGS AGAIN.]
JAMES: I guess Maria's got a lot of rollover minutes.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hello?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Where are you?
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Oh-- I'm-- I'm on the train.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Yeah, it doesn't sound like you're on a train.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Well, I am.
[WILL MAKES WOOSHING SOUNDS.]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Don't do fake train to me. I taught you fake train.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] I taught you fake train!
JAMES: That's fake train? Sounded more like fake dishwasher.
WILL: When would you ever need fake dishwasher?
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Hey. Listen to me. Karen's in trouble. She threw a flask over the balcony and hit someone. If they catch her, they're gonna press charges. Get over here.
WILL: I--- [SIGHS]
[WILL HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
WILL: I'm sorry.
JAMES: It's alright. I heard. It's cool. My movie started ten minutes ago anyway.
WILL: Oh, no, you're missing the previews!
JAMES: Yeah, and they're my favorite part.
WILL: Me too. Go.
JAMES: Uh, listen, this was fun.
WILL: Yeah, it was, I'm glad we, um, --
JAMES: Me too.
WILL: Okay. Bye.
[JAMES ENTERS THE THEATER. WILL STARTS TO FOLLOW HIM, BUT TURNS AROUND AND LEAVES.]
SCENE VIII: The Cinema
[WILL ENTERS THE LOBBY AND FINDS GRACE.]
GRACE: Oh, goodness. Finally! What happened?
WILL: I'm sorry. I-- I just--
[WILL NOTICES ALL OF THE CHILDREN.]
WILL: Wow. I didn't realize your costume was going to be this elaborate. Where is Karen?
[A GROUP OF NUNS WALKS BY.]
GRACE: I have no idea.
[THE LAST NUN STOPS. IT'S KAREN.]
KAREN: Shh! There is no Karen! I'm Sister Frances Beaverhousen. Well, I got there too late. One of those ushers had already taken my flask to the manager's office.
WILL: Calm down. I'll go talk to the manager. I'm sure we can work something out. I'm surprised you can wear that thing without your skin burning.
[JACK WALKS UP TO GRACE AND KAREN.]
JACK: I feel scared.
KAREN: Me too.
LITTLEST GIRL: Me too!
GRACE: Aw, sweetie, come here.
[GRACE PULLS THE LITTLE GIRL ONTO HER LAP.]
GRACE: Everyone gather around. You know what I do when I feel scared?
JACK: Fart a little and then deny it?
GRACE: No. Well, after that. I try to think of some of my favorite things. Like... [SINGING] "Raindrop on roses and whiskers on kittens..."
[A BIT LATER...]
[GRACE STANDS TO HIT THE HIGH NOTES AND THE LITTLE GIRL FALLS OFF HER LAP ONTO THE FLOOR.]
GRACE: [SINGING LOUDLY AND OFF-KEY] "And then I don't feel so bad!"
[GRACE SITS DOWN AND LAUGHS.]
KAREN: Oh, thank God!
[GRACE STANDS BACK UP.]
GRACE: [SINGING] "Rain--"
[JACK COVERS GRACE'S MOUTH AND PUSHES HER BACK DOWN.]
JACK: Alright, enough!
[WILL RETURNS IN A HURRY.]
GRACE: Will, what happened?
WILL: The manager's such a jerk. He wouldn't listen to reason. So, I threw some paper clips in his face and I grabbed the flask.
KAREN: Oh, thank God!
[KAREN GRABS THE FLASK FROM WILL AND TRIES TO TAKE A DRINK.]
[KAREN HAULS BACK TO THROW THE FLASK.]
[WILL PULLS THE FLASK FROM HER HAND.]
WILL: We gotta get out of here. They're after all of us now.
GRACE: Why me?
WILL: They heard you singing.
KAREN: We can't get out. They posted ushers at every door. Trained movie theater ushers.
JACK: We're von trapped! I know! I'll find Ralph. He'll help us.
WILL: No. We can't trust him. Can we? Who is he?
KAREN: Well, then who can we trust?
ROSARIO: What about me, lady?
[ROSARIO WALKS UP TO KAREN, DRESSED AS MOTHER SUPERIOR.]
KAREN: Rosie! What are you doing here?
ROSARIO: I wouldn't miss it. I played Gretl in the El Salvador First National production.
KAREN: Oh, Ro-Ro. I would have payed six chickens to see that.
ROSARIO: It was an equity theater, you racist bitch.
ROSARIO: Now, quick. Hide in there before I change my mind.
[ROSARIO OPENS A CLOSET DOOR.]
GRACE: Oh. I-- I have to at least say goodbye. [SINGING] "So long, farewell--"
[THE KIDS RUN AWAY SCREAMING.]
SCENE IX: The Closet
[WILL, GRACE, JACK, AND KAREN ARE HIDING IN THE DARK CLOSET.]
JACK: Wierdly, this is not the first time a nun has urged me to stay in the closet.
GRACE: How long are we supposed to stay in this filthy--
[GRACE NOTICES A LARGE BAG OF POPCORN.]
GRACE: Oh. Hey, I got time.
[GRACE PULLS THE BAG IN FRONT OF HER AND OPENS IT UP AND BEGINS EATING THE POPCORN.]
GRACE: Okay. Who's the guy? Are you going to see him again?
WILL: [SCOFFS] I doubt it. All I know is his name is James. I didn't even get a phone number.
GRACE: Why not?
WILL: I don't know. I-- You called. His movie was starting. It just didn't happen.
GRACE: So, you chickened out.
WILL: Pretty much. I don't know. I just... I guess I couldn't face...
KAREN: [IN AN ENGLISH ACCENT] What, Will? What is it you can't face?
WILL: I don't know. I guess I just... didn't want to seem desperate. You know, I didn't want him to think that I was making more of it than it was.
JACK: Well, if he was talking to you, then he must be desperate, too.
GRACE: As soon as we get out of here, you've gotta go back to the theater. You've gotta find him.
WILL: No, it was just a drink. And-- And it probably did mean more to me than it did to him.
JACK: [WHISPERING] Shh! I hear something!
[EVERYONE TRIES TO HIDE. THE DOOR OPENS.]
[RALPH IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY AND SHINES A FLASHLIGHT AT EVERYONE.]
JACK: Oh, thank God, Ralph!
WILL: Wait, wait, wait. [TO RALPH] Don't do it, Ralph. You're not one of them.
[WILL MOTIONS FOR EVERYONE TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.]
WILL: Come on. Go out the back way.
[GRACE, JACK AND KAREN RUN OUT.]
[RALPH BLOWS A WHISTLE.]
RALPH: They're here!
WILL: You're an usher. Why do you have a whistle?
RALPH: I also coach soccer.
[WILL FOLLOWS GRACE, JACK AND KAREN OUT OF THE THEATER AS THE USHERS CHASE AFTER THEM.]
[JAMES ENTERS THE LOBBY AND WALKS UP TO A GUY DRESSED AS CAPTAIN VON TRAPP.]
JAMES: Captain. I was hoping I'd find you.
[THE GUY TURNS AROUND.]
JAMES: Ooh. I'm sorry. I, uh, I thought you were someone else.
[A BALLED UP PAPER BAG HITS JAMES IN THE HEAD.]
JAMES: What the--? Eh. All in a day.