Original Airdate 12/8/2005
Written by Jamie Rhonheimer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Blythe Danner (Marilyn Truman)
Steven Weber (Sam Truman)
Reed Alexander (Jordan Truman)
Kyla Dang (Casey Truman)
SCENE I: Will's Rented SUV
[WILL IS DRIVING WITH GRACE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, AND JACK AND KAREN IN THE BACK SEAT.]
[THEY PASS THE "CONNECTICUT WELCOMES YOU" SIGN.]
WILL: There it is! We're officially in Connecticut. Where the whites keep down the other whites.
GRACE: I'm starting to dread Christmas at the Trumans. Every time someone says "Merry Christmas," your mother looks at me with pity and says, "And Hanukkah."
KAREN: But honey, won't it be fun for you? Maybe you can bang Will's brother again.
WILL: Maybe? Sam's divorce just became final. There's no way this one is gonna keep it in her pants.
JACK: What is this "it" you speak of in her pants? No, no, no. I don't wanna know. It's like that show "Lost". Once you find out what's in the hatch it's less interesting.
GRACE: You don't have to worry me hooking up with Sam. All that stuff between us is ancient history.
KAREN: Well, isn't that nice? The holiday whore is taking a year off.
[WILL CHUCKLES. GRACE SMACKS HIM ON THE ARM.]
JACK: Hey, Kare, why aren't you with Stan anyway?
KAREN: Oh. He's taking Olivia and Mason to Thailand. He loves going there because of the white sand beaches. And they think he's the Buddah.
JACK: [TO WILL] Oh, I can't wait to meet your gay nephew.
GRACE: You always think everyone is gay. Jordie's only nine. It's no big deal that he went as Wonder Woman on Halloween.
WILL: He didn't go as Wonder Woman, Grace. He went as Lynda Carter.
JACK: I once went as Lynda Carter. But from the Maybelline commercial. Hmm. That stuff really works. Kids made fun of me all night. I cried and cried. My mascara never ran.
SCENE II: Marilyn Truman's Home
[WILL, GRACE, KAREN AND JACK ENTER THE HOUSE.]
WILL: Mom! We're here!
[MARILYN GREETS THEM AT THE DOOR.]
WILL: Merry Christmas!
[WILL AND MARILYN HUG AND KISS.]
MARILYN: [TO GRACE] And Hanukkah. Oh. Now, Grace. Don't feel awkward.
[MARILYN HUGS GRACE.]
MARILYN: You're always welcome here, even at Christmas.
GRACE: Marilyn, I don't awkward. Just like I'd hope you wouldn't if you came to my home on Hanukkah.
MARILYN: Thank you, dear. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Now. Who needs a drink?
KAREN: I didn't come here for the company.
[KAREN FOLLOWS MARILYN TO GET A DRINK.]
JACK: [LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW] Oh, hey, Will, your brother just got here. Oh, look what he's got with him. A little Christmas queer.
WILL: Just cool it with the queer stuff in front of my mom. I don't think she can handle another gay kid in the family. I remember one Christmas she was so excited when I asked for two G.I. Joes, because she thought I was building an Army. She freaked when she realized I was really building a home.
GRACE: Guys. Really. We don't even know if he's gay.
[DOOR OPENS. WILL'S NEPHEW, JORDAN, RUNS IN.]
JORDAN: Hi, Uncle Will!
[WILL AND JORDAN HUG.]
JORDAN: Guess what! I invented a new cologne. It's called Scoundrel.
GRACE: And we know.
JACK: Uh, Scoundrel is Joan Collins' fragrance.
JORDAN: Darn it! That woman is always a step ahead of me.
MARILYN: Oh, Jordie, I am so glad you're here. Now you can help me fold napkins.
JACK: [TO WILL] I. [SING SONG] Love him.
[WILL'S OLDEST BROTHER, SAM, ENTERS WITH HIS ADOPTED DAUGHTER, CASEY.]
WILL: Hey! Hi, Sammy.
SAM: Hey, Will.
WILL: And it's my favorite niece, Casey!
[WILL PICKS UP CASEY.]
MARILYN: [TO GRACE] She's adopted. But I like her as if she were real.
[WILL WALKS OVER TO MARILYN, STILL HOLDING CASEY.]
WILL: [TO MARILYN] Hey, look who's here.
CASEY: Hi, Grandma.
MARILYN: Oh, sweetheart.
[MARILYN KISSES CASEY ON THE CHEEK.]
MARILYN: [TO SAM] You know, I think she should call me Marilyn. Her real grandmothers in China might get upset.
SAM: Uh, mom, you are her real grandmother. And, uh, thank you for hugging her, instead of bowing to her like you did on Thanksgiving.
WILL: [TO CASEY] Hey, how 'bout we get you some apple juice? And you can drink it from a Wedgwood champagne float. Grandma loves that.
[WILL CARRIES CASEY INTO THE KITCHEN. MARILYN RUNS AFTER THEM.]
GRACE: Hi, Sam.
SAM: Hey, Grace.
GRACE: It's great to see you.
SAM: Yeah, me too.
[GRACE GOES TO HUG SAM, BUT HE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND FOR HER TO SHAKE IT.]
[SAM MOVES TO HUG GRACE, BUT SHE HAS HELD OUT HER HAND TO SHAKE HIS.]
[SAM SHAKES GRACE'S HAND.]
GRACE: Hi. So, how was the ride up?
SAM: Long. Jordie made me sing along to the Rent soundtrack. So...it felt like 525,600 miles.
GRACE: [LAUGHS] Oh, Jordie's sweet. You know, he's just amazing--
SAM: Yeah, he is. You, know, I-- Excuse me, I have to go get a ladder. There's a couple of bulbs out in front, and now it just says "Happy Ho-days."
GRACE: Well, 'tis the season. What with all the eggnog and the--
SAM: Uh-huh. Excuse me.
[SAM WALKS OUT.]
GRACE: Yeah, I guess you're going in there to laugh...
[IN THE DINING ROOM, JORDIE AND JACK ARE FOLDING NAPKINS.]
JORDAN: Don't you think the tree is T-Acky?
JACK: She should have gone monochromatic.
JACK: Yeah, you wanna pick your spots with that.
JORDAN: Jack, I wanna put on a Christmas show tonight. Will you help me?
JACK: I'd be D-Elighted! See. Now that's how that works.
[IN THE KITCHEN, WILL IS GETTING CASEY A GLASS OF APPLE JUICE WHEN KAREN ENTERS.]
WILL: Hey, Karen, would you keep an eye on Casey for a minute? I want to run upstairs and get her my G.I. Joes, their gardening tools, and their bed and breakfast.
KAREN: Of course I will. She's so cute, I could just eat her up.
WILL: Yeah. You won't, though, right?
[WILL GOES UPSTAIRS.]
KAREN: Hello, little girl.
[KAREN NOTICES A "LOLLIPOP RING" ON CASEY'S FINGER.]
KAREN: Oh, what's that?
CASEY: It's a diamond ring.
[KAREN PULLS OUT A JEWELER'S GLASS AND EXAMINES THE "RING".]
KAREN: Hmm... Not a very good one. It's occluded... the cut is pedestrian... and...
[KAREN LICKS THE "RING".]
KAREN: It's watermelon. Here... See what a real diamond looks like.
[KAREN PULLS A RING OFF HER FINGER AND GIVES IT TO CASEY ALONG WITH THE JEWELER'S GLASS.]
KAREN: Mm-hmm. It's from my husband. [CHUCKLES] And believe me, you're getting it a lot easier than I did.
[IN THE LIVING ROOM, JACK AND JORDIE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA. WILL WALKS IN, CARRYING A BOX OF TOYS.]
WILL: Hey, Jordie, I was just on the phone with your Grandpa George. He wishes he was here, but he's with his girlfr-- He's helping Santa.
JACK: Hey, Will, help us with Jordie's Christmas Show.
WILL: A Christmas show? No, no, no. No, Jordie, that's a bad idea. Grandma doesn't really like Christmas shows.
JORDAN: Really? But I've been planning it for months.
WILL: I know, and I'm-- I'm sorry. But it makes her uncomfortable. She'd rather see little boys playing in the show than... than singing in the rain.
JACK: Jordie. Take five. Have a smoke and a carrot stick. Your aunts need to talk shop.
[JORDAN WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
JACK: What's going on here? I don't remember driving into the town from Footloose. Let the boy dance!
WILL: I know my mother. You have no idea how many of my little plays she ruined. Talking and fidgeting. And doing anything to distract the family from watching her gay son do fan kicks in the beanbag chair.
JACK: You poor thing.
[JACK HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS TO HUG WILL. HE GRABS BOTH OF WILL'S NIPPLES.]
JACK: Let the boy dance!
WILL: I just don't want to see Jordie humiliated like I was. I used to be so upset, I'd spend the rest of the night scarfing down butter cookies and pretending the crinkling of the wrappers was... was applause.
JACK: I'm sorry. I had no idea.
[JACK HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS TO HUG WILL. HE GRABS BOTH OF WILL'S NIPPLES AGAIN.]
JACK: Let the boy dance!
[IN THE DINING ROOM, MARILYN WALKS UP TO KAREN HOLDING A TRAY OF BLUE COCKTAILS IN MARTINI GLASSES.]
MARILYN: Karen. Try my famous holiday cocktail, the Blue Marilyn. I started drinking them to prevent thoughts of suicide. But now, they're just fun.
[KAREN TAKES A SIP OF THE DRINK.]
KAREN: Oh. Delicious! What's in it?
MARILYN: [CHUCKLES] Uh-uh-uh, family secret. I can't tell you.
KAREN: I bet I can guess. Blue Curacao, vodka, a splash of Peach Schnapps, some bitters, and a pinch of something powdered... [DISAPPOINTED] Oh... sugar.
MARILYN: Oh, perfect! You guessed them all.
KAREN: Ah-ha! I knew it!
MARILYN: Except one.
[KAREN SIGHS AND TAKES ANOTHER SIP.]
GRACE: Has anyone seen Sam?
KAREN: Did you check down your pants?
MARILYN: Oh, I sent him up to the attic to find the menorah for you, Grace. We still have one from when our Jewish neighbors came over. Yeah. Oh, it's a shame they had to move. Oh, well. [QUIETLY] The neighborhood association is very strong.
KAREN: So what's going on? Things with you and Sam heating up again? Is that a tear-away tux?
GRACE: Hardly. I tried to talk to him and he cut me off. Every time I walk into a room, he finds a reason to leave. God, I hate when people are rude.
[GRACE PICKS UP A DEVILED EGG AND TAKES A BITE. IT SLIDES OUT OF HER FINGERS AND ONTO THE FLOOR. SHE KICKS IT UNDER THE TABLE AND WALKS AWAY.]
[IN THE LIVING ROOM, JACK IS STANDING NEAR THE DOORWAY. WILL ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE, CARRYING AN XBOX 360 WITH A BOW ON TOP.]
JACK: Will, come here. I wanna show you something.
WILL: Yeah, I saw it. You put the wise men in a threeway... Put it back before my mom looks outside.
JACK: No. That.
[JACK POINTS TO A SULLEN JORDIE, WHO IS SITTING NEXT TO THE CHRISTMAS TREE EATING COOKIES FROM A TIN.]
WILL: Oh, my God. He's stuffing himself with butter cookies.
JACK: Well, it's your work. Why don't you go sign it.
WILL: I'm looking at myself thirty years ago. Only without the Mork and Mindy suspenders.
[WILL PUTS DOWN THE XBOX AND WALKS UP TO JORDIE.]
JORDAN: [WITH MOUTH FULL] Hi, Uncle Will.
WILL: Spit out those empty calories and put on your tap shoes. I don't care what Grandma says, we're putting on a show!
WILL: Yes, really!
JACK: Now, go run around the yard! I want you five pounds lighter for the opening number!
[JORDIE RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
[GRACE ENTERS THE ATTIC, WHERE SAM IS GOING THROUGH A BOX. THE BOXES ARE NEATLY STACKED AND LABELED. THERE IS ALSO A WALL OF LABELED PLASTIC DRAWERS.]
GRACE: Wow. This is the most organized attic I've ever been in.
[GRACE LOOKS AT SOME OF THE BOXES.]
GRACE: "Gifts from the Housekeeper." "Gifts from the Gardener." How sad. "Gifts from Grace"?!
SAM: Yeah, my mother was never good at accepting gifts. When I was in the fourth grade, I made her an ashtray. She said, "Great. Now I've got to get you something." Well, uh, the menorah isn't where she said it was. So, I guess I'll be going downstairs.
GRACE: Sam, no. Come on. You've been dodging me all night. What's going on?
SAM: Nothing. I just... I just don't want to talk to you.
GRACE: Oh, well, that-- that makes me feel better.
SAM: I'm sorry, you're right. That didn't come out right. Grace, it's just that, um, I'm afraid if I'm alone with you, something might happen.
GRACE: I'm less offended. Keep going.
SAM: Not that I'm assuming you'd even wanted to.
GRACE: Oh, I don't. I mean, even on the ride here, I, uh, I... announced that, you know, I didn't want anything to happen with you.
SAM: Oh. Super. I'm glad that my lack of desirability deserves an announcement.
GRACE: No, that's not-- that's not what I mean. I agree with you that, you know, nothing should happen. I was-- I was worried that you didn't like me.
SAM: Oh, God, no. Grace, I, uh... I do. I do like you.
GRACE: Well, good. 'Cause I like you, too.
SAM: That's good.
GRACE: So, we're agreed. We like each other... and nothing's gonna happen.
SAM: Agreed. You look hot.
[SAM AND GRACE KICK THE BOX OUT OF THE WAY. THEY EMBRACE AND KISS PASSIONATELY.]
SAM: Oh. God, that's the only time a menorah got me to first base.
GRACE: Not me.
[THEY CONTINUE TO KISS.]
[IN THE LIVING ROOM, WILL, JACK AND JORDIE ARE PLANNING THE SHOW.]
WILL: All right... there's not enough of us to do a "Partridge Family in a Pear Tree." How about this? You pop out of the fireplace with a mask on. You're the Phantom of the Chimney.
JACK: Ooh, I like that. And Jordie, we can make an opera cape out of... well, your opera cape.
JORDAN: I should steam the wrinkles out of that. I wore it to bed last night.
[JORDIE EXITS THE ROOM.]
JACK: So sad. A boy his age should be sleeping in a kimono. Did you warn your mother, yet?
WILL: No, no. No. It's better if we spring it on her. The more time she has to think about it, the more time she has to ruin it. Just like she ruined my 1975 Easter show, Everything's Coming Up Jesus.
[IN THE KITCHEN, KAREN IS DRILLING MARILYN ABOUT THE COCKTAIL.]
KAREN: Is the secret ingredient anything in the blood family?
MARILYN: I don't know how I can make this any clearer. There are no bodily fluids in a Blue Marilyn. Now, please, just give up, 'cause you're never gonna get it.
KAREN: Oh, I will. I will discover your secret ingredient! Even if it is the rarest, most exotic essence found on the planet. Is it milk?
[SAM AND GRACE ENTER THE KITCHEN AND GRAB SOME WATER FROM THE REFRIGERATOR.]
MARILYN: Oh, Sam, did you find that menorah for Grace?
SAM: Uh, no, we couldn't find it, but we looked for a very long time.
MARILYN: Oh. Well, did you check in the drawers?
GRACE: Uh, we didn't have time. Maybe later.
MARILYN: Did you look in that little chest?
GRACE: Do not answer that.
MARILYN: Well, let's look again, because I know it's up there. Oh! I used it last August to hold the bug repellent candles.
SAM: Yeah, yeah. I remember, 'cause it stopped the Jewish mosquitoes from biting. Instead, they just had a little nosh.
[SAM FOLLOWS MARILYN OUT.]
KAREN: [TO GRACE] Well... The tousled hair... the slightly smeared lipstick... the disheveled clothing... Either you're on your way to work, or the holiday whore is back!
GRACE: [QUEITLY] Sam and I made out in the attic. It was so hot! I know I said I wasn't going to do it, but... I've liked him for a long time. And he's single now... Or is it just too wierd?
KAREN: For your entire life, fate has been cruel to you in almost every way. So... Maybe this time fate stepped back, took a good look at you and said, "You know what? Enough already." I say go for it.
GRACE: You know what? I will. For all the good I do, I deserve something good to happen to me.
[GRACE PICKS UP A DEVILED EGG. IT SLIDES OUT OF HER FINGERS AND ONTO THE FLOOR.]
GRACE: What is wrong with these things?
[LATER IN THE LIVING ROOM... THE SHOW IS ALMOST READY TO START. THE DOORWAY TO THE DINING ROOM HAS A SHEET COVERING THE OPENING. SAM AND GRACE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA. KAREN IS SITTING IN A CHAIR TALKING TO CASEY.]
KAREN: I don't know where you get your jewelry, but this necklace is delicious.
[KAREN TAKES A BITE OF ONE OF THE "BEADS."]
[MARILYN RUNS IN WITH A CAMERA AND SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO GRACE.]
MARILYN: Don't start without me.
WILL: Mom. What are you doing?
MARILYN: Getting ready to enjoy the show.
WILL: [WHISPERING] What's your game, woman?
[JACK STEPS FROM BEHIND THE SHEET.]
JACK: And now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing Jordan St. James!
[JACK PULLS AWAY THE SHEET, REVEALING JORDIE.]
[MARILYN GASPS AND TAKES A PICTURE.]
SAM: That's a stage name. I had to nix Dame Jordy Dench.
JORDAN: [SINGING] Santa Claus, Mr. Santa Claus, I get the kids' applause, Mr. Santa Claus...
MARILYN: That boy is the next Wayne Newton.
WILL: How many Blue Marilyns have you had?
MARILYN: Will, shush!
WILL: You shush!
JACK: Will, you shush! Will you shush! This is Jordie's moment. And keyboard solo. Jordie, you're in the audience for this, sweetheart.
JORDAN: [SINGING] All... that... Claus! [WHISPERING] That Claus.
MARILYN: Bravo! Bravo!
WILL: Okay, that is it! How dare you enjoy your grandson's Christmas show right in front of me?!
MARILYN: Well, William, what is your problem?
WILL: Oh, I don't know, maybe it's that you ruined every single Christmas play I ever did! I mean, you give him a standing ovation, but for me, you'd be fidgeting, looking at your watch, melting a cherry Sucrets into your stupid "secret" drink.
KAREN: Ah! A-ha!
[MARILYN STOMPS HER FOOT. WILL WALKS OUT AND MARILYN FOLLOWS AFTER HIM.]
JACK: Unbelievable! Will just had to steal the spotlight.
JORDAN: It's okay, Jack. I don't mind.
JACK: [CRYING] He stole it from me, Jordie. Grow up.
[JACK RUNS OUT, CRYING.]
[IN THE KITCHEN, MARILYN FINDS WILL EATING BUTTER COOKIES.]
MARILYN: Oh, Will...
WILL: I don't get it. How can you be so encouraging to Jordie when you were always so awful to me.
MARILYN: Darling, I think... When you were a child, I think I... I just handled everything badly. You know, I wasn't prepared to raise a gay son. You know, it was the 50's--
WILL: It was not the 50's!
MARILYN: Darling, because of who you are, and what you've become, I realized that I... [SIGHS] I just should have done things differently. I learned from you, Will.
MARILYN: Yeah. And even thought I can't change the past, I can try to be better with Jordie, you know?
WILL: Wow. Thank you, mom. That means a lot to me.
[SAM AND GRACE GO UP TO THE ATTIC. THERE IS A BIG BOX IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. THERE IS A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND TWO GLASSES. THERE ARE DOZENS OF LIT CANDLES AROUND THE ROOM.]
GRACE: Wow. When did you do all this?
SAM: Ah, before the show. During the encores, I was worried the house was going to burn down.
GRACE: I can see why. Five of the candles are on a box marked "Dry Hay." Sam, this is so--
SAM: Romantic? Wonderful? Excessive? It's, uh, it's excessive, isn't it?
GRACE: It's a lot.
SAM: Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'm just so worried about that... God, I just can't remember what it's like to be in the beginning of a relationship, you know? Just thought it'd be a lot easier jumping right into the middle of one.
GRACE: I know it does. Right after Leo and I split up...
[GRACE SITS DOWN ON A BOX AND IT COLLAPSES UNDER HER.]
GRACE: Um... After Leo and I, every guy who opened the door for me got my house key. I spent a lot of money changing locks that year. And it was because I was so scared of being single. And I think you might be too.
SAM: Well, I'm not afraid. I'm, uh... I'm terrified.
GRACE: And I think you need to be.
SAM: Terrified or single?
SAM: Ah. Fun.
GRACE: You'll make it. I did. Okay. So how about this? Next Christmas, you and me, right here... And we see where we are then.
SAM: That sounds great. Is it incredibly hot in here?
GRACE: Like a thousand degrees.
[SAM AND GRACE BLOW OUT THE CANDLES.]
[LATER... EVERYONE IS SITTING DOWN AT DINNER.]
JACK: Hey, Jordie. I just got off the phone. How would you like to perform our show next Christmas at Radio City Music Hall?
JORDAN: I'd love it! It would be fantastic!
JACK: Good. Then you try calling. They keep hanging up on me.
[JACK TOSSES THE PHONE IN FRONT OF JORDIE.]
KAREN: Marilyn. Thank you. Dinner was wonderful, I have a delightful buzz, and my sore throat went away. By the way. I put something in your coffee. Tell me when you figure out what it is.