Original Airdate 11/17/2005
Written by Abraham Higgenbotham
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Leslie Jordan (Beverley Leslie)
Traci Lords (Rose)
Brian A. Setzer (Benji)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS SITTING ON THE SOFA READING THE NEWSPAPER WHEN GRACE ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM FROM HER BEDROOM.]
WILL: Hey, did you read the paper today?
GRACE: I stopped reading the paper. Now, when people talk about the news, I just shake my head and say, "I know. It's unbelievable." Suddenly, I'm informed.
WILL: I know. I do the same thing with "I know, that was some game." Anyway, the Central Park Zoo has these two penguins that are apparently gay. They're inseparable. They show no interest in females during mating season. Though they are interested in what females are wearing during Academy Award season.
GRACE: That is so sweet. Thank God there's something gay in this city I haven't dated.
JACK: So, did you hear the news?
GRACE: I know, it's unbelievable.
JACK: I've decided I'm going to move to a bigger place.
WILL: You're kidding. When did you decide that?
JACK: This morning. The ratings for "Jack Talk" came in and we got a 17 rating and a 10 share.
WILL: Yeah, in this case, that means 17 watched and 10 of them were dressed as Cher.
JACK: I just figured now that I'm getting more successful, I need to live in a place that feels successful.
GRACE: Good for you, Jack. You should. And you know what? I'll decorate it for free.
JACK: Oh, no, that's okay.
GRACE: No, I want to.
JACK: I heard you. Anyway. I've been saving my money in a Schwab account.
WILL: You've been investing?
JACK: Oh, no, that's what I call my Q-Tip box. I got five thousand bucks in it.
WILL: Five thousand? I'm so proud of you, Jack. You're growing up.
JACK: Well, thank you. So, I figured I spend it on an apartment or a whole lot of Jolly Ranchers. Not the candy. Heh-heh.
WILL: Well, you know what? It's Sunday. Let's get the Village Voice and start looking. Yeah, it'll be fun. As a kid, I used to love going to open houses on Sunday afternoon. Of course I was 12, so everything was out of my price range. Grace, you wanna come?
GRACE: Oh, no, I'm going shopping with Karen. I've gotta get my dress to wear on my annual holiday card.
WILL: Yeah... When people send out those photos, aren't they usually of a whole family?
GRACE: Yeah, like I'm gonna wait around for that.
SCENE II: A Department Store
[KAREN AND GRACE ARE DRESS SHOPPING. KAREN HOLDS UP A GOWN FOR GRACE TO LOOK AT.]
KAREN: Honey, how about this one? This is pretty. It almost says, "it's not sad that I'm alone on this holiday card."
GRACE: I'm not going to be alone. For fun, I'm going to Photoshop George Clooney in next to me.
KAREN: And it just got sadder.
[KAREN PUTS THE DRESS BACK ON THE RACK.]
KAREN: Especially for George Clooney.
GRACE: Is there a rip cord for this shopping trip? Because I'm about ready to yank it.
KAREN: Speaking of yankin' it, where are the boys today? I thought they were coming with us.
GRACE: Oh, Will's helping Jack look for apartments, and then they're going to stop off to see some gay penguins.
KAREN: [LAUGHS] Gay penguins. Please. Honey, that is absurd. There's no such thing as a gay penguin!
[BEVERLEY LESLIE AND HIS "BUSINESS ASSOCIATE" BENJI ENTER.]
BEVERLEY: Well, well, well... Karen Walker and her Jewess, out for a morning shop.
KAREN: Well, if it isn't Tom and Helen Willis of TV's "The Jeffersons." Hello, Beverley Leslie. How are things in Ankleville?
BEVERLEY: Uh, not so good. My dear wife Crystal has suddenly passed.
KAREN: Oh, Beverley, I'm so sorry.
GRACE: Me, too. Although I never met Crystal. But, oddly, I have met your business associate, Benji, 16 times. Including once at The Ramrod.
BEVERLEY: I'm here to buy a dress to bury Crystal in.
KAREN: Honey, I think maybe you should wear men's clothes for that.
[BEVERLEY WALKS AWAY ANNOYED.]
KAREN: Bev. Bev, honey, come here. You know that I love you in my way. And I know that you loved Crystal in your way. So now that she's out of the way... is there anything that I can do for you?
BEVERLEY: Well, Karen, it would mean a lot to me if you would attend Crystal's memorial service tomorrow afternoon.
KAREN: Well, of course, Beverley. I wouldn't miss it.
BEVERLEY: And Miss Adler, why don't you join us.
GRACE: Oh, no. No, I couldn't intrude on a day that's so... intimate and personal... and boring.
BEVERLEY: Oh, please! It's not going to be anything like that. It's more like a party. A celebration of her death.
BEVERLEY: Life. So, I'll see you both tomorrow afternoon. I'll be receiving from 5:30 'til 6:30.
KAREN: [SIGHS] [TO BENJI] Boy, that's gotta be a long hour for you.
SCENE III: The Central Park Zoo
[WILL AND JACK ENTER THE ZOO. JACK IS LOOKING THROUGH THE CLASSIFIEDS.]
JACK: I didn't like any apartment we've seen so far. Maybe we should call this realtor Eve Only. She's like on every listing.
WILL: Oh, look. There it is. Penguins.
[WILL AND JACK WALK TO THE PENGUIN HOUSE.]
JACK: Oh, look. They're cute. Which ones do you think are gay?
WILL: Well, if I had to pick, I'd say the two in the corner, whispering and pointing at all the other penguins.
[A WOMAN WALKS UP TO WILL AND JACK. SHE'S CARRYING A CLIPBOARD.]
ROSE: Hello. You guys are gay, right?
JACK: He is, beat him up!
ROSE: No, I just want you to sign my petition.
JACK: Oh, yes, of course.
[JACK TAKES HER CLIPBOARD AND BEGINS SIGNING IT.]
JACK: [SIGNING] Thank you for watching "Jack Talk." Jack.
[JACK GIVES HER THE CLIPBOARD.]
JACK: I remember when I was a young boy, I had an autograph book, too. Erik Estrada said to me, "Hang in there." I told him I had an enlarged heart.
ROSE: It's a petition. The zoo wants to separate the gay penguins. They want to send Doug to the Bronx Zoo to mate with a female.
JACK: Oh, great. Gays can't get married, but women in the Bronx can have penguins imported just for sex?
WILL: That is awful. They'd never separate them if they were straight penguins. They'd just give them a huge tax break and let 'em kiss on TV. Just the thought of those two guys being split up, that really gets to me.
JACK: Yeah, me too. Oh, look, the giraffe is peeing! That's hilarious! I should buy an apartment closer to the zoo.
[JACK WALKS OVER TO THE GIRAFFE.]
ROSE: [TO WILL] You should come to the rally tomorrow. A lot of my lesbian friends are going to be there. I'm not a lesbian myself. I mean, sometimes I fool around with them. And I live with one... Oh. I guess I am a lesbian. Weird. I just came out.
WILL: I'd say welcome, but it sounds like you've been on that bus for quite a good long time now.
[WILL LOOKS AT THE PENGUINS.]
WILL: Oh, look. That one penguin's cleaning his nest and stacking his fish so neatly.
ROSE: Oh, that's Randall. He's a real fussbudget. And the other one, the goofy one... that's Doug. He always waddles into Randall's nest unannounced.
WILL: Oh, yeah, look. Doug just stole his fish.
ROSE: And now Randall's gonna act annoyed and be all, "Waah!" Even though he loves it. I'm worried about him. If Doug gets sent away, Randall will fall apart.
WILL: Really? 'Cause Randall looks pretty together. You know, except for the lollipop stuck to his back.
ROSE: He's gonna be devastated when he's all alone. He just doesn't know it yet.
ROSE: My girlfriend did this study on gay penguins that were separated. The one that stayed behind, he was a mess.
WILL: What happened to him?
ROSE: Well, he gained a ton of weight, and all of his feathers fell out.
[WILL THINKS ABOUT WHAT SHE SAID AND RUNS HIS FINGERS THROUGH HIS HAIR.]
SCENE IV: Beverley Leslie's Park Avenue Penthouse
[BEVERLEY LESLIE SHOWS KAREN AND GRACE ONE OF THE ROOMS.]
BEVERLEY: This is the last stop on the tour. It feels almost inappropriate giving a tour of the penthouse on a the day of Crystal's memorial.
[GRACE NOTICES A GOWN INSIDE OF A GLASS CASE.]
GRACE: Oh, my God. [GASPS] That dress is gorgeous.
BEVERLEY: This is a 1954 custom-made couture gown. The only one like it in the world. Crystal wore this gown to the 29th annual Academy Awards, escorting the lovely and talented Rock Hudson. She had no idea. Can you believe it? [CHUCKLES]
GRACE: [LOOKING AT BEVERLEY] You know what? I can.
GRACE: Oh, it really is beautiful. I'd love to feel the fabric.
BEVERLEY: Ooh! Uh-uh. No, no, no. Miss Adler, you mustn't touch it. This gown is going to the Smithsonian tomorrow. It's going to be put in their permanent collection.
KAREN: Oh, how exciting for you. A dress in the Smithsonian. And your parents in the Museum of Miniatures.
[BENJI STEPS IN.]
BENJI: Uh, Beverley... It's the minister. He wants to know where to set up the mechanical bull.
BEVERLEY: [EXCITEDLY] Oh, I'm coming! [SOMBERLY TO KAREN AND GRACE] Such a sad, sad day...
[BEVERLEY FOLLOWS BENJI OUT OF THE ROOM.]
KAREN: Honey... that's the dress. That's the dress you should wear in your lonely holiday card.
GRACE: Oh, my God, you're right. I would look so lonely in that. I mean lovely. Lovely.
KAREN: Come on, try it on. I'll take your picture with my camera phone.
GRACE: I can't try it on. It's the woman's memorial. It would be so disrespectful. And I don't care if there is a cake that says "See Ya!" in frosting.
KAREN: Honey, try it on... Please. You'd look stunning in it.
GRACE: I would, wouldn't I?
[A LITTLE LATER. GRACE IS WEARING THE GOWN.]
KAREN: Oh! Oh, honey, you look so beautiful dressed as a woman.
GRACE: I know, right.
KAREN: Come on, let's take your picture. One dignified, one kooky.
[KAREN PULLS OUT HER CELL PHONE. GRACE TILTS HER HEAD BACK AND POSES.]
KAREN: Guess we're doing kooky first.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.]
BEVERLEY'S VOICE: Ladies, the service is about to begin.
GRACE: That's good enough. Okay. Quick. Help me get out of the dress. Be careful unzipping it.
KAREN: Honey, I know how to get a woman out of a dress. I was very popular at Sarah Lawrence.
[KAREN TRIES TO UNZIP THE ZIPPER ALONG THE SIDE OF THE GOWN. IT WON'T BUDGE.]
GRACE: Huh? What do you mean, "huh"?
KAREN: Well, the zipper is just a little stuck. Here, let me just--
GRACE: Karen, it's really delicate.
KAREN: I know it's delicate-- Let me just get in the right...
[KAREN HUNCHES DOWN AND GIVES IT A PULL.]
KAREN: Ooh! There! I got it.
GRACE: Okay. Good.
[GRACE TAKES A STEP AWAY. KAREN IS PULLED WITH HER.]
[GRACE TAKES ANOTHER STEP, PULLING KAREN AGAIN.]
GRACE: Oh, my God. Karen, your dress is caught in my zipper! Beverley's gonna kill me.
KAREN: You think it's bad for you? I think a little bit of my boob is caught in there.
SCENE V: Beverley Leslie's Penthouse
[GRACE AND KAREN MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN THE STAIRS TO THE MEMORIAL SERVICE. GRACE IS WRAPPED IN A BLACK BLANKET. KAREN IS STUCK NEXT TO HER HELPING HER DOWN THE STAIRS.]
[GRACE AND KAREN TRIP AND THEY SMACK AGAINST THE WALL.]
GRACE: This is not gonna work, Karen. Beverley's gonna see that I'm wearing the dress.
KAREN: It's gonna be fine. Just keep this blanket on and walk in unison.
KAREN: Just two friends in mourning. Nothing suspicious. Nothing lesbian going on.
GRACE: Yeah, then why's your hand on my breast?
KAREN: Somebody's gotta steer this thing. It'd be a hell of a lot easier if I had a bigger wheel to work with.
GRACE: Why did you make me try this on?!
KAREN: Quit yelling at me. I'm trying to get us unstuck.
GRACE: Well, just keep working on that zipper. While you're down there, will you pull my underwear out of my ass? Hey, hey!
BEVERLEY: Miss Adler, what on earth are you wearing?
GRACE: Oh... this is the new floor length... mourning shawl. From J Crew. Do you like it? It's-- it's catalog only.
BEVERLEY: Strange, 'cause it looks exactly like the blanket that Crystal died in.
GRACE: Oh, God!
BEVERLEY: Karen, may I talk to you just a moment?
KAREN: Why, sure, Beverley.
[KAREN AND GRACE SHUFFLE OVER TO BEVERLEY.]
BEVERLEY: I meant in private.
GRACE: Oh, I'm so sorry, that's so rude of me. I'll just wait over there.
[GRACE TURNS AND BENDS AWAY. KAREN LEANS IN TOWARDS BEVERLEY.]
BEVERLEY: Karen, it's personal.
KAREN: Oh, I'm sorry, of course.
[KAREN PULLS UP THE BLANKET AND COVERS GRACE'S HEAD.]
KAREN: Don't mind her. She's like a bird, probably already asleep.
BEVERLEY: Karen, it would mean so much to me if you would come up to the podium and say a few words about Crystal.
KAREN: Gosh, Bev, I don't know...
BEVERLEY: Oh, Crystal thought so highly of you. We often discussed inviting you into our marriage... in a sexual way.
KAREN: That's so flattering. Although, I don't know if I could have operated a pump and a defibrillator at the same time. Oh, of course I'll speak.
[BEVERLEY WALKS TO A PODIUM AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM.]
[GRACE PULLS THE BLANKET OFF HER HEAD.]
BEVERLEY: Everyone sit down. The service is about to begin.
KAREN: Oh, come on, relax. We've got plenty of time before they get to me. I'll get us unzipped.
BEVERLEY: Welcome, everyone. Let's begin with a few words from Karen Walker.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS STANDING AT THE TABLE DRAWING SIGNS WHEN JACK ENTERS.]
WILL: There you are. Come on, help me make some signs for the rally at the Zoo. Here, take a marker and start drawing penguins. It's easy, all you do, you just gotta start with Paul Giamatti and then... stop there.
JACK: I can't, Will. I got a lease to sign. That's right, I found an apartment. It's all the way down in Tribeca. New kitchen, two bedrooms... And as soon I heard hardwood, I jumped on it.
WILL: [ANNOYED] Oh. That's great. You've got a new apartment. Meanwhile, Randall and Doug's love igloo is melting beneath their webbed feet.
JACK: You sound like you're not excited. I kinda thought you'd congratulate me.
WILL: Well, I'm sorry. It's just little trivial compared to the civil rights issue coming to a boil at the penguin house!
JACK: I don't get this. This morning, you were all, "Let's find you an apartment," and now you're mad. Why the 160?
WILL: Because even though some people don't think so, these two little guys are family.
JACK: Will, relax. It's not that big a deal. They're just fish. We eat 'em every day.
WILL: Not that big a deal? Jack, their whole relationship is gonna change. I mean, once they're in separate zoos, they're not gonna be able to swim together all the time, or share some fish, go for a waddle-- Sure, they'll wanna get together, but-- but something is always gonna come up. And then one day, they'll run into each other at the gym, and it'll be all weird and awkward and Randall will be like, "Oh, you look good" and Doug'll be like, "Yeah, is that-- is that a feather toupee?" I mean, they used to be best friends and now they don't even know each other.
[WILL PICKS UP HIS SIGNS AND PUTS ON HIS COAT AND SCARF.]
JACK: Will, would you wait a minute?
WILL: [ANGRY] No. I gotta go. Congratulations on your new apartment.
JACK: Finally. Geez, it's like pulling teeth.
SCENE VII: Beverley Leslie's Penthouse
[KAREN AND GRACE ARE STUCK TOGETHER AT THE PODIUM IN FRONT OF THE ROOM. BEVERLEY LESLIE AND HIS GUESTS ARE SEATED IN CHAIRS.]
KAREN: Grace would like to say the traditional Jewish prayer for the dead.
BEVERLEY: Oh, well how delightful!
GRACE: Um... Yiskadal... Yiskadash.. um... Osha gosha b'gosha... [CHANTING] Oh... ruch-hatatamai, Oh...bladi-oblada... Spielberg, Katzenberg, Geffen... [SINGING] Aah...men.
BEVERLEY: Oh, Miss Adler, that was just beautiful!
KAREN: You know what else is beautiful? I just got us unstuck.
GRACE: Thank God. Okay, I'm gonna go get out of this.
[GRACE WALKS AWAY, BUT THE BLANKET GETS CAUGHT AND THE GOWN IS EXPOSED.]
[GRACE GASPS. BEVERLEY LESLIE STANDS UP, HIS MOUTH OPEN IN SHOCK.]
GRACE: Beverley, I am so sorry!
BEVERLEY: No, no. I don't wanna hear it. I don't want to hear it! Miss Adler, how dare you come into my home and desecrate the day I have set aside to celebrate my wife's death?!
BEVERLEY: Life! Why do I keep saying that?
GRACE: I'm sorry, I feel so horrible.
BEVERLEY: No, I just want you to go. Please. Go, get out the dress.
GRACE: See, but the thing is, the zipper's tricky. And see, it's-- it's stuck again.
KAREN: I'll help! I'm good at that.
GRACE: No, stay away!
SCENE VIII: The Central Park Zoo
[WILL IS STANDING AT THE ]
JACK: Hey, Will. I'm glad I found you. There's another protest going on over at the seal tank. I guess they're gay, too, because apparently people don't want them to go clubbing. [SHRUGS] You know, I thought about what you said, and I realized you weren't talking about the penguins. You were talking about us.
WILL: You're like a rice cooker. It takes you a long time, but when it comes out, it's perfect. I'm sorry about before. I just-- I was being selfish and I was wrong. And I'm really excited about your new place.
JACK: Oh, thanks, Will. But I'm not moving. All that money I had is gone. I spent it on some stupid impulse buy.
[ROSE WALKS UP TO WILL AND JACK.]
ROSE: Hey, guys, guess what? An anonymous donor just gave the Bronx Zoo enough money to buy its own penguin. Doug and Randall don't have to be separated. But don't say anything. I wanna tell them myself.
[ROSE RUNS OFF.]
WILL: [TO JACK] An "anonymous donor"?
WILL: I can't believe you did that.
JACK: I can't believe they called it an anonymous donor. I said my name, like, 30 times. It's supposed to be on the news!
WILL: I'm so impressed with you. And I never even though about donating money. How did you know how much to give?
JACK: [SCOFFS] I'm not an idiot, Will. I think I know how much a penguin costs.
WILL: But that was your apartment money. You were gonna sign the lease. I can't believe you did that for me...
JACK: No, not just for you. You made me realize I don't wanna move either. And I thought, if we get to stay together... they should too. Even if one of them is fat and bald.
WILL: Look at them. They really are cute, aren't they?
JACK: Yeah. Why is that female one always hanging around them?
SCENE IX: Beverley Leslie's Penthouse
[BEVERLEY WALKS UP TO TO GRACE TO HELP HER GET OUT OF THE DRESS.]
BEVERLEY: Here, let me try.
GRACE: It's really delicate.
BEVERLEY: Yes, I know it's delicate! I put it on Benji a hundred times. I just have to get a run at it.
[BEVERLEY LEANS IN AND GIVES THE ZIPPER A PULL.]
GRACE: Okay. Good.
GRACE: I'll go take off dress.
[GRACE TAKES A STEP AWAY. BEVERLEY LESLIE IS PULLED WITH HER.]
[GRACE STOPS FOR A SECOND, THEN TAKES ANOTHER STEP. BEVERLEY IS STUCK TO HER. GRACE SIGHS.]
KAREN: Grace, you got a little something stuck to you again.