Original Airdate 10/20/2005
Written by Gail Lerner
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Richard Chamberlain (Clyde)
Alec Baldwin (Malcolm Widmark)
Tim Bagley (Larry)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[KAREN IS SITTING ON THE SOFA SIPPING A GLASS OF WINE. GRACE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE READING A MAGAZINE. JACK IS IN THE KITCHEN EATING POTATO CHIPS WHILE WATCHING WILL PACKAGE FOOD INTO CONTAINERS.]
WILL: Hey, my life is so much richer since I started delivering meals for Project Angel Food.
WILL: I'm a good person. I don't say that enough.
GRACE: Ugh. Bringing food to old, home-bound people. Depressing.
WILL: [SARCASTIC] Yeah. It's tough to see their faces light up when they realize they're gonna eat that day.
JACK: I love being home-bound. Or going to his place and being bound. Either way, you do get hungry.
KAREN: You know, Will, I used to deliver paper bags to elderly peoples' doors. Of course they were filled with poo, and I'd set 'em on fire.
GRACE: [TO WILL] So, you'll be home by seven, though, right?
WILL: For what?
GRACE: "For what"? Rob and Ellen, Joe and Larry are coming over for the Tenth Annual Game Night Spectucular.
KAREN: Wow. Ten years of game night. What a milestone.
[WILL AND GRACE SMILE AT EACH OTHER AND HOLD HANDS.]
KAREN: Maybe you should celebrate with a suicide pact. Thank God I have plans with Malcolm tonight.
JACK: Malcolm? [SCOFFS] I can't wait 'til Malcolm is your Malcolm-ex.
KAREN: Jackie, why don't you like him? The man is a doll. If dolls spoke seven languages and and enormous genitalia.
WILL: I would like that doll.
GRACE: I'll take it when you're done with it.
JACK: I'm sorry, Karen. I do not like this man.
JACK: I do not like him in your house. I do not like him in your blouse. I'm sorry, I'm really engrossed in this novel right now.
KAREN: Jackie, just come a-shoppin' with us. Come on, I know that you'll like Malcolm if you just spend some more time with him. And besides... Honey, your opinion means so much to me.
JACK: Really? 'Cause sometimes I worry you only think of me as a trained monkey who only hops around for your amusement.
KAREN: That's nonsense. Now come on.
KAREN: Oh, and if you like him, clang your cymbals once.
[KAREN AND JACK EXIT.]
[WILL PUTS THE TWO CONTAINERS INTO A BAG.]
WILL: Okay, I think that's everybody. A kosher meal for Lou, a low sodium for Freida...
[WILL PAUSES AND LOOKS AROUND.]
WILL: Wait a minute. Am I missing one? Where's--
[GRACE HAS ONE OF THE CONTAINERS OPEN AND IS EATING IT.]
WILL: Grace! You're eating Clyde's meal!
GRACE: Well, I hope he has a salt shaker, because this crap is bland.
WILL: Actually... this works out great. It gives me an excuse to go to Dean & Deluca and get Clyde the lobster salad he loves so much.
GRACE: All you talk about is Clyde lately. What, do you love him?
WILL: I sorta do. He's--He's witty and smart. He's the kind of gay man I'd like to be when I'm older. You know, except without the farting.
SCENE II: A Department Store
[MALCOLM AND JACK ARE IN THE MEN'S DEPARTMENT LOOKING AT SHIRTS AND TIES. KAREN IS NEARBY LISTENING IN ON THEIR CONVERSATION.]
MALCOLM: Jack, I am so happy we're getting to know each other better. I was so afraid that when I helped Stanley fake his own death then brought him back here for a long-awaited reunion with his ex-wife, then fell in love with her and started dating her myself, her friends would have trouble accepting me.
[MALCOLM PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JACK'S SHOULDER.]
JACK: Well, it's nothing we haven't all been through before. Heh-heh.
[JACK PUSHES MALCOLM'S HAND OFF HIS SHOULDER.]
MALCOLM: You know, Jack, I know two ways to get a guy to call me friend. One is to attach his nipples to a car battery. And the other is to buy him a fine Italian suit.
JACK: Do I have to choose?
KAREN: Jackie, this is exactly the side of Malcolm that I wanted you to see. The playful, torturey side.
MALCOLM: Hang on, that guy's looking at a shirt that would look great on you and I can't let that happen. Hey! Hey!
[MALCOLM OPENS HIS SUIT JACKET AND RUNS OFF, REACHING INTO THE JACKET.]
KAREN: Ooh, isn't he cute? And he's a real man's man. Oh, I love to watch his strong, rough fingers unbuttoning my nighty. Oh. You know, it's a wonder he can even get it over his head.
JACK: Yeah, he's nice, yes, he's good looking, and yes, he smells like baby powder and Greek salad, but there's one little thing.
KAREN: What's that, honey?
JACK: He's not Stan! You belong with Stan!
[MALCOLM RETURNS WITH A PINK SHIRT.]
MALCOLM: Gosh, I hope you like this. 'Cause it just cost that guy a little piece of his tongue.
[MALCOLM HOLDS THE SHIRT UP TO JACK.]
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR FOR LARRY AND ELLEN.]
GRACE: Hi guys!
[GRACE HUGS AND KISSES LARRY AND ELLEN.]
GRACE: Did you come together?
LARRY: No, we met on the elevator. Did you know our kids are in the same kindergarten class?
ELLEN: Isn't that funny?
GRACE: Is it? Anyway. Welcome to the Tenth Anniversary Game Night Spectacular!
[ELLEN AND LARRY ENTER THE APARTMENT AND MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE SOFA.]
GRACE: Where are Rob and Joe?
LARRY: Uh, Joe couldn't come. Our babysitter canceled.
ELLEN: Our babysitter canceled, too! Isn't that funny?!
LARRY: That is so funny!
ELLEN: Oh, my God!
GRACE: I don't think you're using that word right. Okay, so no Rob and no Joe. That's okay, 'cause they're weak players, and they never add anything to the evening anyway.
ELLEN: They're our husbands.
LARRY: Yeah, but they're duds.
ELLEN: That's true.
GRACE: Okay, so tonight will be an all-star game. You guys against me and Will. At least we still have an even number. Isn't that funny?
[LARRY AND ELLEN BLANKLY STARE AT GRACE.]
WILL: Hey, everybody. Slight change in the guest list. All the way from 1933, my friend Clyde!
[WILL'S FRIEND CLYDE ENTERS. HE'S AN OLDER GENTLEMAN WHO ENTERS WALKING WITH A CANE, WHILE HOLDING HIS BACK.]
CLYDE: Hello. Lord, it's kind of damp in here. I was afraid of that.
LARRY: Hello there.
ELLEN: Nice to meet you.
CLYDE: [TO ELLEN] You must be Grace. My, you're beautiful.
ELLEN: [FLATTERED] Oh.
GRACE: Uh, no, no. I'm Grace.
CLYDE: [DISAPPOINTED] Ah. Hello.
GRACE: Uh, Will, can I talk to you for a sec?
WILL: Sure. Oh, uh, Clyde, can I get you anything?
CLYDE: Oh, just some Tiger Balm and a clear path to the rest room.
[WILL FOLLOWS GRACE INTO THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: What is he doing here? He's an odd number.
WILL: Who needs a little company. And compassion. This is what I do now, Grace. I give, I help, I make a difference. It's kind of who I am now. I'm-- I'm Charity Will.
GRACE: Ok, yeah, I get what you're doing, and, um, the new name is cute, but do you think you can stick your friend in the closet and tell him he's in Heaven's coatroom?
WILL: Grace, don't worry. He's not even gonna play. [TO CLYDE] Hey, Clyde! Are you excited being the score keeper for the tenth anniversary game night spectacular?
CLYDE: Score keeper? I'll need a whistle and a gun.
WILL: How 'bout a pencil and the back of this take out menu.
CLYDE: Well, I'll make due. Now, what are the rules?
GRACE: Oh, know what? You don't even need to know the rules, since you're not playing.
WILL: Yeah, but it might be more fun for him if he did know. Here's how you play Celebrity. You take a slip out of the bowl, and then you try to describe it.
CLYDE: Oh, I get it. So, I'd say something like, [RE: THE PAPER] "It's yellow, it's rectangular and it's folded."
SCENE IV: The Department Store
[KAREN AND JACK ARE WAITING BY THE DRESSING ROOMS.]
JACK: Karen, you and Stan were married. You can't say that doesn't mean anything.
KAREN: Oh, Jackie, you just think that marriage is sacred because it's legally denied you. Honey, Stanley betrayed me. First by cheating, and then by faking his own death. No, no, no! I am done with him!
JACK: Well, he's not done with you. He's sorry, he loves you, and he wants you back.
KAREN: How do you know?
JACK: Because he told me yesterday.
KAREN: You saw Stanley?
JACK: No, he called me because you won't take any of his calls.
KAREN: You're damned right I won't! I never want to hear that high-pitched voice again!
JACK: I'm meeting him later at his health club. I think it's called New York Health and Fatness, or something. So, Karen, come with me.
KAREN: No. I won't. I'm seeing Malcolm now. I want you to accept that and bless our union.
JACK: I can't do that.
KAREN: Bless it!
KAREN: Bless it!
JACK: Bless you.
KAREN: Ha ha ha!
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
[WILL, GRACE, LARRY, ELLEN, AND CLYDE ARE GETTING READY FOR GAME NIGHT.]
WILL: Can I get you something to drink before we start?
CLYDE: Oh, sure. Sure. But what? Let me think....
GRACE: Coffee? Soda?
CLYDE: [SHAKING HIS HEAD] Mmm.
ELLEN: Juice? Beer?
CLYDE: Yes! Tang would be nice.
WILL: Gosh, I'm sorry. I ran out of Tang. When I was seven. Um...
CLYDE: Never mind. Let's get on with the game.
GRACE: Okay! Okay, great. Alright. These are the teams: Me and Will, Ellen and Larry.
CLYDE: [SADLY] Oh...
WILL: What's the matter?
CLYDE: Well, your little guessing game sounds like so much fun, I sure with I were playin'.
[CLYDE GRINS REALLY BIG AT WILL.]
WILL: And you shall.
GRACE: He shan't. He can't. Because he, uh, you know, he doesn't have a partner.
ELLEN: Grace... Why you don't you be partners with Clyde?
LARRY: I got Will!
GRACE: Wait, no!
CLYDE: Uh-oh. Sounds like I'm not a very popular partner.
GRACE: No. No, no, no, that's not it, it's-- It's just that, um, I would just feel horrible if my, my dear friend Ellen had to sit out.
ELLEN: Oh, I don't mind. I think I'm gonna enjoy this.
[ELLEN SMILES AND TAKES A DRINK OF WINE.]
WILL: Okay! Well, uh, Grace, Clyde. You're up.
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] Thanks a lot. Now it's a tenth anniversary suck-tacular.
WILL: [WHISPERING] Give him a chance. He might be great at this.
ELLEN: And, go!
[ELLEN FLIPS THE TIMER AND GRACE PICKS UP A CLUE.]
GRACE: Oh, good. Good, good, good. Okay, this is an easy one. Um, trashy pop singer. She pees in gas stations.
CLYDE: Oh, this is an easy one! Lola Falana.
[ELLEN AND LARRY STIFLE LAUGHTER.]
GRACE: Oops, I did it again.
CLYDE: Oh, that's alright, Grace. Just open a window.
[A LITTLE BIT LATER. LARRY IS GIVING CLUES TO WILL.]
LARRY: Uh, okay, famous for nothing.
WILL: Carmen Electra.
[LARRY GETS A NEW CLUE.]
LARRY: Ok, if I ever see your face again, I'll shoot myself.
WILL: Paris Hilton.
LARRY: The other one.
WILL: Lindsay Lohan.
LARRY: The other one.
WILL: Tom Cruise!
ELLEN: Time! That's Time!
CLYDE: [TO GRACE] How many did they get?
CLYDE: Is that more than we got?
GRACE: It's eight more.
SCENE VI: New York Health and Fitness, Steam Room
[THE ROOM IS VERY STEAMY. THE STEAM HISSES AS IT ROLLS INTO THE ROOM. JACK ENTERS THE STEAM ROOM. HE HAS A TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND HIS CHEST.]
JACK: Oh, hello, Stan. It's good to see you again. You're looking fantastic.
[JACK MOVES TO SIT DOWN, PRESUMABLY NEXT TO STANLEY WALKER, WHO IS APPARENTLY BLANKETED IN STEAM.]
JACK: I, uh-- Whoops! That's still you. Okay, sorry. Didn't see you there. And--
[JACK MOVES DOWN A LITTLE.]
JACK: Oops! And there's more.
[JACK MOVES DOWN A LITTLE FURTHER.]
JACK: Okay. Wow. It has been two years, and so much has happened in your life. My mind is just reeling with questions. Like, um... Have you seen my new talk show? And... Can you tell my tan is fake on the air?
[THE HISSING OF THE STEAM COVERS STANLEY'S MUMBLING.]
JACK: Oh, weeknights, 4 AM. Mm-hmm, yeah. Well, give it a little look-see and let me know if I'm too orange. Anyway, Karen and I got into a really big fight. I tried to convince her to get back together with you again and now she doesn't want to see either of us.
[A HARMONICA PLAYS.]
JACK: You brought your harmonica. Oh, I don't feel like--
[STANLEY BEGINS PLAYING "STORMY WEATHER" ON THE HARMONICA.]
JACK: [SINGING] Don't know why... There's no sun up in the sky--
[MALCOLM ENTERS. HE HAS A TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND HIS WAIST.]
MALCOLM: Jack, you and I need to-- Oh, I'm sorry. Are you in the middle of a number? I can come back.
JACK: What are you doing here? And you look ridiculous with your towel tied like that.
MALCOLM: Jack, I didn't come here to threaten you into blessing my relationship with Karen. Even though I could revoke your passport, put your name on a watchlist, and have your cable cut off right before the Tonys for the rest of your life. But I came here to see Stanley. [TO STANLEY] Hello, Stanley. I'm sure you've heard all about Karen and I.
[HISSING STEAM COVERS STANLEY'S VOICE.]
MALCOLM: Karen and me. I stand corrected. [TO JACK] I always get that wrong.
JACK: You know, I always mix up "was" and "were." Heh-heh. Yeah, I have to sing "If I Were a Rich Man" to get it right. Or is it "was"? Ugh, that is so hard for I. [CHUCKLES]
MALCOLM: Stanley, I know that this is all a little--
JACK: Uh, whoops, he's--
[JACK PULLS MALCOLM DOWN THE BENCH SO THAT HE DOESN'T SIT ON STAN.]
MALCOLM: I know that this is all--
JACK: A little more--
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
[THE GANG IS TAKING A SMALL BREAK. WILL IS IN THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: You know what, Ellen, I feel badly that you haven't even had a turn yet. So, why don't you play with Clyde.
ELLEN: Oh, no, no, no. I'm having fun. In fact... I'm gonna put Rob on the phone, so he can listen. Heh-heh...
[ELLEN PULLS OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS.]
LARRY: Tell him I'll e-mail him some of these great pictures I'm getting.
[LARRY HOLDS UP HIS PHONE TO SHOW HER THE PICTURES.]
[WILL EXITS FROM THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: Okay. Grace and Clyde are up again. And Grace, try to focus. Okay? You're slowing my boy down.
GRACE: Flip the timer or I'll shove it up your--
[CLYDE PICKS UP A CLUE.]
CLYDE: Oh, I know this one. He was in the film Titanic.
GRACE: Leonardo DiCaprio!
CLYDE: Oh, no, no. The lead.
GRACE: Yes, Leonardo DiCaprio.
CLYDE: No, think! The poor blond boy who froze in the water.
GRACE: Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm positive. It's Leonardo DiCaprio!
CLYDE: Tom Hanks!
GRACE: Tom Hanks?
CLYDE: Ooh-hoo, I bet you're the one who feels stupid now.
GRACE: No, not anyway! Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks! He could-- could have said Big, or Splash, or Forrest Frickin' Gumpp! You know what? I have really tried to be a good sport tonight. I sat quietly by even though you had no idea who Eminem was, and you didn't even know the candy! But I am done! I am done with game night! Maybe forever! Thanks a lot, Clyde!!
LARRY: Hey, Grace.
[LARRY HOLDS UP HIS PHONE.]
LARRY: Say cheese.
[GRACE LEAPS AT LARRY AND GRABS HIM. WILL PULLS HER OFF HIM.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Can I see you in the kitchen, please!
[WILL GRABS GRACE BY THE BACK OF HER HEAD AND PULLS HER INTO THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: Oh! Ow, ow, hair! Hair! Hair, hair, hair!
WILL: How could you say that to Clyde?
GRACE: How could you make me play with him all night?
[GRACE PULLS WILL'S HAIR.]
[WILL PULLS GRACE'S HAIR.]
[GRACE PULLS WILL'S HAIR.]
[WILL PULLS GRACE'S HAIR.]
GRACE: Ow! Let go!
WILL: You let go!
[WILL AND GRACE GRAB A HOLD OF EACH OTHER'S HAIR AND PULL REALLY HARD.]
WILL: Alright... count of three. Ok.
WILL AND GRACE: One, two, three.
[THEY LET GO TOGETHER. GRACE GRABS A CHUNK OF WILL'S HAIR AND PULLS IT ONE LAST TIME.]
WILL: Ow! Would it have killed you to be a little nice to him?
GRACE: What is wrong with you? You have not been this obsessed with a gray-haired man since you discovered Anderson Cooper!
WILL: He is a lovely, old gay man. And when I am his age and living alone in a crummy apartment with a 19-year-old cat, who is either really sleepy or long dead, I hope that someone will be kind to me.
GRACE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You think-- You think you're gonna be Clyde? Is that what this is all about?
WILL: How do you know that I won't? [SIGHS] I... I saw this old photo of him on a beach. It could have been me. Except for the Korean War going on in the background.
GRACE: Will. That's absurd. You're not Clyde. There is no way that you will ever age that well. And there's another reason why you're not him.
[GRACE KISSES WILL ON THE CHEECK AND HUGS HIM.]
WILL: 'Cause I'll have you?
GRACE: That's right. And I ain't going anywhere. So you got it? You will never be a lonely old gay man like Clyde.
CLYDE: Uh, excuse me.
GRACE: [TO CLYDE] I'm so sorry. For everything. I, I was wrong to assume that you're lonely.
CLYDE: Oh, I'm lonely. Heck, I leave my door unlocked in hopes of getting robbed. But I'm not gay.
WILL: You're not?
CLYDE: No, I was married once... to a beautiful doctor. She, uh, travelled a lot to work, and when she had an affair with a colleague, I-- I ended it. I've been alone ever since.
WILL: Wow. He's really not me.
LARRY: He's you, Grace!
ELLEN: [EXCITEDLY INTO HER PHONE] Did you hear that, Rob? He's Grace!
GRACE: That's crazy!
WILL: Wait a minute. If you're not gay, why are you getting free meals from Project Angel Food?
CLYDE: Why not? It's food and it's free.
GRACE: Oh, my God. He is me!
SCENE VIII: Karen's Penthouse
[KAREN IS SITTING ON A SOFA WHEN MALCOLM AND JACK ENTER.]
MALCOLM: I have great news, baby. I talked with Stan. I told him I thought that I was a better man for you than he is. And he said, "Okay."
KAREN: He did?
MALCOLM: I promise you I'll never fake my death. When I kill myself, it's gonna be for real. And I'm gonna take you with me.
[MALCOLM KISSES KAREN.]
KAREN: That's so romantic. [TO JACK] Is that true, Jackie?
JACK: He did. I remember, 'cause right after he said it, we discovered an Asian man trapped underneath him.
MALCOLM: [TO JACK] So, you're okay now with me and mama?
JACK: Sure. If Stan wants you to have her, then you can have her. Oh... [TSK] Listen to us talking like she's a thing. I'm sorry. It's yours. Take it. You have my blessing.
MALCOLM: Baby, now there's nothing standing in our way.
KAREN: Oh, I'm so happy, darling. Hmm. So. Stanley just let me go without even a fight. Well. I guess everything is just Peaches and Herb. Alright, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna run to the Bronx and set something on fire. You know, because I'm so happy!
[KAREN STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
SCENE IX: New York Health and Fitness, Steam Room
[KAREN ENTERS THE STEAM ROOM TO CONFRONT STANLEY.]
KAREN: Hello, Stanley. Don't talk! I have something to say. Oh, Stanley. How could you? Wasn't it enough that you left me? Wasn't it enough that I was the last one to know that you weren't dead? But no. No. You have the gall to just let me go without even a fight. You fleshy bastard. You're ready to toss me aside like some meaningless fling, or unattractive baby. How dare you. Goodbye, Stanley. After what you've done, there is nothing you could say that would ever win me back.
[THE STEAM HISSES.]
KAREN: [GASPS] Oh, Stanley.
[KAREN RUNS TO STANLEY.]
KAREN: [GIGGLES] Oh, Stanley!
[KAREN JUMPS ONTO STANLEY.]
KAREN: Ow, turkey leg!
[KAREN THROWS A TURKEY LEG ACROSS THE ROOM.]