Original Airdate 5/19/2005
Written by Gary Janetti
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Alec Baldwin (Malcolm Widmark)
Eric Stoltz (Tom Cassidy)
Bridget Flanery (Viv Cassidy)
John Ducey (Jamie)
Mathew Botuchis (Dave)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE READING THE NEWSPAPER. WILL POURS HIMSELF A CUP OF COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN, THEN JOINS GRACE AT THE TABLE.]
WILL: I still can't believe Tom tried to kiss you at the museum. The guy's married. What a jerk.
GRACE: I know, right? Can I have that section of the newspaper? This part only has news in it.
WILL: I feel like I'm angrier about this than you are.
GRACE: No, I'm outraged.
[GRACE SMILES AND REACHES ACROSS THE TABLE FOR THE NEWSPAPER.]
WILL: You just smiled.
GRACE: I thought of something funny.
GRACE: A kid dropped a Popsicle.
WILL: Liar! You would never laugh at food falling. I know what's going on here, Grace. I know you. You're flattered. You like him.
GRACE: Hey, he tried to kiss me. I said no. I did nothing wrong. The only thing I'm guilty of is looking pretty in museum light.
WILL: But you're still working with them. Won't that be awkward? I mean, you really think that you can be with him without thinking about that kiss or wondering if he's gonna try it again? I-I think it's a bad idea.
GRACE: How can I walk away from this? It's huge. It's a hotel. It's five houses in Monopoly.
WILL: Well, I just hope I'm not right.
GRACE: No, you don't.
WILL: That's true, I do like to be right. But I also like to help people. That what I'm all about now. That's what I do.
GRACE: You don't even know what you do. You start this charity job today.
WILL: Yes, that's right, and as of today, this big, blue marble's gonna become a better place.
GRACE: Wow... someone discovers a way to eat smug, then you could feed the whole world.
JACK: Hey! Oh, good, you're both here, so I won't have to say this twice. Now that I'm the host of Jack Talk, I am on the verge of exploding into the public consciousness. So things might get a little crazy.
WILL: Wow, that's big. [QUIETLY TO GRACE] What's Jack Talk?
GRACE: I think it's the thing he does in the shower with his penis.
JACK: Okay, all right. That's good. That's good, you're keeping me grounded. That's good. I'm gonna need that now that I'm the host of my own talk show, Jack Talk. Now... So when the tabloids call-- All right, listen up-- Give them nothing. Except these personal quotes.
[JACK PULLS OUT TWO SHEETS OF PAPER AND GIVES ONE EACH TO WILL AND GRACE.]
WILL: [READING] "It says a lot about Jack that he would remain friends with me even though I am average-looking at best and barely holding on to my hair."
GRACE: [READING] "I went to school with Jack, and he was always the most smartest student in the class."
JACK: Good. That's wonderful, wonderful, perfect. Now, listen, I promise every New Year's day, we'll get together for brunch, okay? Or at least a real long, good talk on the phone. But be together, 'cause I ain't gonna do this twice, all right? Jack Talk!
SCENE II: Malcolm's Office
[MALCOLM IS STANDING AT HIS DESK TALKING TO SOMEONE ON HIS DESK PHONE.]
MALCOLM: [INTO PHONE] Truman starts today. Yeah, he has no idea what we're doing. He's way past hooked. He's in the net and on the way to the cooler. It's a fishing metaphor-- The cooler where you put the fish. Hey, could you hold on a second? It's gonna sound like I'm hanging up, but I'm not.
[MALCOLM SLAMS THE RECEIVER DOWN ONTO THE PHONE.]
[MALCOLM SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK AND PICKS UP AN UNFINISHED NEEDLEPOINT HOOP AND FABRIC. WILL OPENS THE OFFICE DOOR.]
WILL: Knock, knock. Hey, boss.
MALCOLM: Oh, Will, you're early. Drat. I was hoping to have this finished before you got here.
[MALCOLM HOLDS UP THE NEEDLEPOINT HE WAS WORKING ON. IT SAYS "WELCOME WI".]
MALCOLM: See-- "Welcome Wi--" Well, you get the idea. No obligation to hang it up. It's just something I do for relaxation. Some people have erotic massage, and I do needlepoint.
WILL: [RE: HIMSELF] Some people do both. [CHUCKLES]
MALCOLM: Yeah, Will, you're at the office, so let's leave your freak at home, okay?
[WILL IS EMBARASSED.]
MALCOLM: I'm just kidding-- We're very loosey goosey around here.
WILL: I was just--first day. I'm a little nervous.
MALCOLM: Oh, don't be nervous. You don't have to impress anybody. Everybody loves you. You've won them all over.
WILL: Oh, that's nice, it's-- It's just that I haven't met anyone yet. In fact, I haven't seen anyone on this entire floor.
MALCOLM: Well, that's because they're all, uh, out... doing Secret Santa. We start early. And you got Sharon. A little tip-- She likes anything with penguins on it.
WILL: Oh! Who doesn't? I'm glad I got her. Heh-heh. What's the limit?
MALCOLM: 20, but if you go to 25, nobody'll kill you.
WILL: Well, I just-- I'm so excited. I can't wait to start helping those kids.
MALCOLM: Good, 'cause that's what we're all about. Helping those kids.
WILL: So, um... How do we help the kids?
MALCOLM: Aren't you the little worker?
MALCOLM: Your office is two doors down on the left.
WILL: Yeah, I tried to get in there earlier. There's a German Shepherd standing guard.
MALCOLM: Yeah. That's Roscoe, the office mascot. I'd be careful around him. His attack command is a commonly-used phrase.
[WILL WAITS FOR MALCOLM TO ELABORATE. HE DOESN'T.]
WILL: Can you tell me what it is?
MALCOLM: No. Now get outta here. Take a needlepoint. This one says, "The hurrier I go, the behinder I get."
[MALCOLM GIVES WILL A NEEDLEPOINT HOOP WITH FABRIC.]
MALCOLM: Isn't that cute? It's got the little bunny rabbit on there.
WILL: Yeah... Maybe I can use that to distract the dog.
MALCOLM: Very good.
WILL: Thank you.
MALCOLM: Don't say that around Roscoe.
SCENE III: Out TV, The Set of "Jack Talk"
JAMIE: So, what do you think of the set of your new talk show, Jack?
JACK: Wow, Jamie, it really came together, yeah. Couple things... Instead of this swoopy madness happening here, um, I think I'd prefer a giant replica of the front of Brad Pitt's pants. You know, then I could zipper out--
[JACK PRETENDS TO UNZIP A LARGE ZIPPER AND WALK THROUGH IT.]
JACK: Hello! Jack Talk!
JAMIE: Sorry, Jack, we're already doing that on two of our other shows. So who's your line-up for your first show?
JACK: Well, since it's my premier, I wanted to go with a really, really big celebrity. So I went with the blonde guy who sat at the front desk for seven years on "NYPD Blue."
JAMIE: The homo that replaced Gail O'Grady? How on earth did you get him?
JACK: Oh, well, he was just delivering this desk, and I said, "Hey, what are you doing later?"
JAMIE: That is genius. Good work, Jack. You're a real pro.
JACK: Thank you.
JAMIE: Kiss for luck?
JACK: Oh, sure.
[JAMIE AND JACK GIVE EACH OTHER A QUICK KISS ON THE LIPS.]
[JAMIE WALKS AWAY AND JACK SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK.]
JACK: [TO HIMSELF] Wow....
[KAREN AND ROSARIO ENTER THE SET.]
KAREN: Sorry we're late, Jackie. Rosie took me shopping. I've never been to a bodega in Spanish Harlem before.
ROSARIO: That was Macy's.
KAREN: "Macy's." Hear me? I'm speakin' Spanish. Jackie, I love this set.
JACK: Oh, thanks, it's from the 1982 People's Choice Awards.
KAREN: Oh, this is so exciting! Rosie, would you mind leaving?
KAREN: I just think it'd be a lot more special without you here.
ROSARIO: I'd ring your neck, but I don't want to be standing in puddle of gin.
[ROSARIO EXITS THE SET.]
JACK: Karen, Karen, Karen, sit down, sit down, sit down!
[KAREN SITS DOWN ON THE GUEST COUCH.]
KAREN: Honey, guess who I saw on the way over here.
KAREN: Christian Slater.
JACK: [GASPS] I love him. I'll take me some Christians now and have the rest of my "Christian Slater."
[JACK AND KAREN LAUGH AND CACKLE.]
KAREN: Oh, Jackie. Don't make me laugh, I'm gonna wet myself. I've had to pee for two weeks.
JACK: Then I suppose you don't want me to tickle ya!
KAREN: Jackie, Jackie, no!
[JACK LAYS ON TOP OF KAREN AND TICKLES HER.]
KAREN: [LAUGHING] Jackie, Jackie, Jackie! I'll spank you!
[KAREN REACHES AROUND AND BEGINS SPANKING JACK ON THE BUTT.]
JACK: [LAUGHING] Ow, Karen, ow!
JAMIE: Stop everything!
[JACK AND KAREN QUICKLY SIT UP AND GASP.]
JAMIE: You're behaving like idiots.
JACK: Sorry, Jamie.
JAMIE: Don't apologize-- That's your show. Jack, you just found yourself a co-host!
KAREN: What? What? Really? I'd love to be a co-host. You know, sometimes, when Jackie and I get into a groove, we just go back and forth like that. I don't even know what I said!
JACK: Um, excuse me, Jamie. A word, ahem.
[JACK WALKS OVER TO JAMIE.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] Co-host? Um, isn't it a little late to change anything? I mean, people are so used to seeing my face on promotional seat cushions. I don't know if anyone wants to sit on Karen's face.
JAMIE: Jack, if I'm right about this, this entire city's gonna wanna sit on both your faces.
SCENE IV: Tom's Hotel, Lobby
[THE LOBBY IS IN A STATE OF REPAIR. THERE ARE PAINTER TARPS AND CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT EVERYWHERE. GRACE HAS HER DESIGN BOOK AND SAMPLES. SHE IS SHOWING TOM SOME TILE SAMPLES.]
GRACE: So, I am seeing the lobby floors in Terrazzo. It's beautiful, durable, and chic, without being trendy.
TOM: I love it. How much is it?
GRACE: $300 a square foot.
TOM: Great, great. We'll do one foot of that right here, and then the rest, you can just leave this brown paper down.
GRACE: Come on, Tom, you can afford it. Everyone at college knew that your father invented the speed bump.
TOM: No, no. He--he was a human speed bump. It was some kind of a frat prank that went awry.
GRACE: Okay, uh... I'll find something else then.
[TOM REACHES ACROSS THE TABLE FOR A TILE AND COMES CLOSE TO GRACE'S FACE. GRACE IS STARTLED AND STEPS BACK.]
GRACE: Whoa, whoa, we talked about this last night--
TOM: No, I was just, wanted to get-- I know, I wasn't trying to--
GRACE: Oh, you wanted-- You know--
TOM: Believe me, I know.
GRACE: After last night, I just--
TOM: I know, I'm sorry. Look, I had had too much to drink, Ever since rehab, I've just become such a lightweight.
[GRACE STARES AT TOM.]
TOM: I'm--I'm kidding.
GRACE: I'm not. I can't do this job.
TOM: Grace, don't let one stupid--
GRACE: Look, I said no.
[TOM'S WIVE, VIV, ENTERS CARRYING A BAG.]
VIV: Hey! I brought us sandwiches! [LOOKING AT THE TABLE] Ooh, Terrazzo.
GRACE: Viv, I was just telling Tom that um, I-- I can't do this job.
GRACE: I am so, so sorry. I said yes before I checked my schedule. And I'm overbooked.
[GRACE BEGINS GATHERING HER SUPPLIES.]
GRACE: In fact, I am-- I'm actually late right now for a meeting. So, um, I am going to wish you luck. And I'm gonna go. And I'm gonna thank you for the turkey sandwich.
[GRACE'S HANDS ARE FULL, SO SHE OPENS HER MOUTH. VIV PUTS THE SANDWICH IN GRACE'S MOUTH. GRACE EXITS.]
SCENE V: Out TV, The Jack Talk set
[JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING BACK STAGE. DAVE IS PUTTING MAKE-UP ON JACK, AND ROSARIO IS MAKING UP KAREN.]
JACK: Easy, Elizabeth! You're putting makeup on a star, not suntan lotion on some slut during spring break!
DAVE: Sorry, dude. You got pores like gopher holes.
JACK: That'll be all, Elizabeth.
DAVE: Can you call me Dave? My dad's in the audience.
JACK: Elizabeth Senior's here? I can't wait to meet him.
[DAVE WALKS AWAY AND JACK LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND GOES TO FINISH THE MAKE-UP HIMSELF.]
KAREN: Rosie, I love this makeup that you got at El Macy's. You're doing a wonderful job.
ROSARIO: Thank you. Part of your ear fell off. I'll put it on ice.
[ROSARIO WALKS AWAY.]
KAREN: Oh, Jackie, I'm so excited! Our first show!
[JACK IS PUTTING ON HIS MAKE-UP. HE IS UPSET.]
KAREN: You and I on TV together. Just like we've always dreamed.
[JACK SPRAYS ON HAIRSPRAY.]
KAREN: Honey, I didn't tell you, but I came up with a theme song.
[KAREN PICKS UP A GUITAR.]
KAREN: [STRUMS THE GUITAR AND THEN TALKS] It's Jack Talk... [STRUM] It's Jack Talk... [STRUM] It's Jack Talk... [STRUM] It's Jack Talk... [STRUM] With Karen.
JACK: Stop it! Stop playing that guitar!
KAREN: What? Honey, what's wrong? Are you mad 'cause it's not that techno stuff that your people like?
JACK: No, I'm mad at you! This show is my thing! Ugh, you're always grabbing my thing.
KAREN: Well, honey, I thought you liked it when I grabbed your thing.
JACK: Not this time. This show is my moment to shine in the spotlight. Now I have to share it with you. Besides, I already had a sidekick, and it looked like this.
KAREN: Jackie, I thought you were my friend. I can't believe that you would be so selfish.
[KAREN WALKS AWAY.]
KAREN: [STRUM] It's Jack Talk... It's Jack Talk... It's Jack Talk... [QUIETLY] Without Karen...
SCENE VI: Malcolm's Office
[WILL ENTERS MALCOLM'S OFFICE. HE'S NOT THERE.]
WILL: Malcolm? Hello, Malcolm?
[WILL ENTERS THE OFFICE, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. WILL BEGINS RUMMAGING THROUGH THE PAPERS ON MALCOLM'S DESK.]
MALCOLM: Hi, Will.
WILL: Aah! Hey, you scared me.
MALCOLM: I guess we all feel a little jumpy and unsafe with Martha Stewart's release.
WILL: [RE: A PHOTO ON THE DESK] I was just admiring the photograph.
WILL: Is that your family?
MALCOLM: No, it came with the frame.
WILL: But you're in the picture.
MALCOLM: Yeah, I used to be a model.
[MALCOLM TURNS THE PICTURE DOWN.]
MALCOLM: So how's work going, Will? It feels good to help people, huh?
WILL: Yeah, about that... Um... It seems all I'm doing is transferring money from the Cayman Islands to Russia.
MALCOLM: And the Russian kids could not be more grateful. And the Cayman kids don't need the money, because they have the, uh, the beach and whatnot.
WILL: Yeah, I-- I've been to the Cayman Islands... and, uh, people down there mostly just work in hotels or braid hair for a dollar. So what--where is the money coming from?
MALCOLM: Well, the Americans come and they leave tips. And then they send the money to the Russians. The, uh, Caymanites.
WILL: I don't believe that.
MALCOLM: Okay, what's this really about?
MALCOLM: Or is it really about the fact that the gang went out for drinks last night, and nobody called you?
WILL: What gang?! I still haven't met anyone else! Except Roscoe, who apparently thinks I keep Alpo in my pants!
MALCOLM: [SING-SONG] Somebody's got the new job blues.
WILL: Look, something weird is going on here, and I wanna know what it is.
MALCOLM: Nothing--there's nothing weird going on here.
HANK: [WITH A RUSSIAN ACCENT] Malcolm, the package has arrived.
MALCOLM: Will, could you excuse me for a moment? I have to talk to, uh... Hank from accounting.
[MALCOLM STEPS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY WITH "HANK". WILL WATCHES THEM THROUGH THE GLASS. THEY ARE ARGUING QUIETLY IN RUSSIAN. MALCOLM BECOMES LOUD AND THEN PUSHES HANK DOWN THE HALLWAY.]
[MALCOLM ENTERS THE OFFICE.]
MALCOLM: [CALMLY] I apologize for that. Hank wants to go home early to pick up his kids from soccer practice.
[MALCOLM SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK.]
MALCOLM: So where were we? I believe you were asking me some kind of a question.
WILL: No, no, just, um... wanted to say hi.
[WILL GETS UP TO EXIT THE OFFICE.]
MALCOLM: If the gang goes to Tony Roma's tonight, you want me to call you?
WILL: No, I'm good, I'm good.
[WILL EXITS MALCOLM'S OFFICE.]
SCENE VII: Out TV, The Jack Talk Set, Backstage
JACK: Oh, hey, Karen. Thank God. I really need to talk to you.
KAREN: Forget it, honey. I know when I'm not wanted. I just came by to pick up one last thing.
[KAREN PICKS UP A MARCHING BAND STYLE FRENCH HORN.]
KAREN: I'm not even gonna tell you what this was for.
JACK: But, Karen, I want you to be my co-host.
KAREN: You do?
JACK: Yeah. You know, I thought about it, and you were right. I was a selfish jerk, and I'm sorry.
KAREN: Do you really mean it, Jackie?
JACK: I kinda do, yeah.
JAMIE: Show time. Let's go. We got over 10 people out there just waiting to earn their Burger Barn coupon.
KAREN: [TO JAMIE] Tall gay guy... I'm not going out there. Honey, Jackie doesn't need a co-host. He's been laughing at his own jokes for years.
JACK: Karen, but I really want to share this with you.
KAREN: Oh, honey, no. This is your thing. If we do everything together, then what are we? Will and Grace.
KAREN: And that's just sad. Okay. So this girl is outta here!
JAMIE: Girl? Then you're definitely out. I just assumed you were a drag queen.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the host of Jack Talk, Jack McFarland!
KAREN: Oh, honey, go out there and knock 'em dead!
JACK: Okay. Thanks, Kare. And I promise I'm gonna start every show with a little signal just for you.
KAREN: I'd like that.
[JACK RUNS OFF SCREEN ONTO THE STAGE. A SERIES OF LOUD CRASHES IS HEARD.]
JAMIE: [TO KAREN] Should we go help him?
KAREN: No, no, no, no. That was for me.
SCENE VIII: Grace Adler Designs
[GRACE IS SITTING AT HER DESK TALKING ON THE PHONE.]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Mrs. Newsom, good news. My schedule has freed up, so I can do that job for you. [PAUSE] Yes-- Yeah, it would have been nice to work on that hotel. But I am--I'm equally passionate about, um... [LOOKING AT HER SCHEDULE BOOK] converting your terrace into an eco-friendly ferret village. Yes. Bye.
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE AS TOM ENTERS HER OFFICE.]
TOM: Hi. I brought you some hot chocolate, 'cause I remember that was your favorite. I'm just kind of wishing it wasn't 90 degrees outside.
GRACE: What are you doing here?
TOM: I want to know why you quit.
GRACE: You know why.
TOM: No, I really don't.
GRACE: Tom... You never should have called me. It was a mistake from the very beginning. You have feelings for me.
TOM: And you don't have them for me?
GRACE: It doesn't matter. That's not the point. The point is that I should not be having this conversation with someone who's married.
TOM: But what--what if I-- I can't help the way I feel, Grace.
GRACE: What is that? Don't do that.
TOM: It's the truth.
TOM: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I-- I shouldn't have come here. I...I--
GRACE: Let's just forget it even happened.
TOM: I didn't mean to-- I didn't mean to--
GRACE: I know you didn't.
TOM: It was awkward and--
GRACE: I know it was, and I'm sorry, but--
TOM: So we're good?
TOM: Okay, then I'm gonna go.
[GRACE AND TOP MOVE INTO EACH OTHER'S ARMS AND KISS.]
SCENE IX: Malcolm's Office
[WILL ENTERS MALCOLM'S OFFICE.]
WILL: Malcolm... I need to talk to you.
MALCOLM: Sure. You wanna go somewhere private?
WILL: No, this is fine. I can't work here anymore. I don't know what this is, but I'm not stupid. Hank is not an accountant. And I don't believe that he got stabbed in the neck while changing the toner!
MALCOLM: If you leave, Will, what will happen to the kids?
WILL: The kids have $85 million in a Swiss bank account. The kids are fine!
MALCOLM: I knew this was going to happen. I said, "Truman's a smart guy. There's going to be questions."
WILL: What is this all about? I mean, meeting me in the park, pretending you like my writing. Hiring me for a job that doesn't even exist. What the hell is going on?
MALCOLM: All right, I'm gonna be truthful with you. We're not a charitable organization.
WILL: Uh... doy!
MALCOLM: No need for harsh words. I work for the government. And we're protecting a very important individual who has requested your services. He wants your help.
MALCOLM: Open that door and find out.
[MALCOLM MOTIONS TO A DOOR BEHIND HIS DESK.]
WILL: Why don't you just tell me?
MALCOLM: Well, that wouldn't be very dramatic, now, would it?
WILL: Well, you make a good point.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS INTO THE OTHER ROOM.]
WILL: [SHOCKED] Oh, my God. Stanley? You're alive?