Original Airdate 5/10/2005
Written by Barry Langer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Blythe Danner (Marilyn Truman)
Stacy Keach (Wendell Schacter)
Emily Rutherfurd (Joanne)
Jon Fleming (Russell)
Rachelle Wells (Elaine)
Matthew J. Williamson (Salesperson)
SCENE I: Barneys New York Department Store, Women's Jeans
[WILL AND JACK ARE SHOPPING WITH GRACE.]
GRACE: Okay, you guys, I need your help. Somewhere in this store is the elusive 5-Pocket Bootleg in Crane distressed wash. I will also accept it in Dark Fusion or Bruise. Okay, you guys, fan out. And remember, whoever finds it gets to borrow it once a month when I'm bloated.
[GRACE BEGINS LOOKING THROUGH THE JEANS.]
WILL: [SCOFFS] Once a month.
[JACK NOTICES A WOMAN NEARBY -- IT'S JOANNE FROM HIS ACTING CLASS.]
JACK: Oh, crap, it's Joanne.
[JACK HOLDS UP A PAIR OF JEANS IN FRONT OF HIS FACE AND PEEKS THROUGH THE CROTCH.]
JACK: One of the students from my old acting class.
WILL: What's the big deal? Go say hi.
JACK: I can't. Things with the class didn't end well. I took six months of checks from everyone, and never showed up again. Ssh.
WILL: Well, if they're stupid enough to pay you, they deserve to be taken advantage of.
JACK: I know, right?
JACK: Oh, Joanne, I didn't see you. How are you-- Hug, hey.
[JOANNE AND JACK HUG.]
JOANNE: I just booked a healthy pet commercial.
[JACK NODS APPROVINGLY.]
JOANNE: I'm the new face of heartworm. "You mean checking Fluffy's poo could have saved her life?" That's my line.
JACK: Well, I am glad you remembered everything we worked on.
JOANNE: How could I forget? Last week I had a breakthrough. I was playing Laura in The Glass Menagerie, and I looked so good in my bikini that the gentleman caller stayed.
JACK: I believe when I left, we were working on "Caroline in the City." But hold on, did you say last week?
JOANNE: Yes, in Tuesday's master class. Wendell is amazing. You couldn't have named a better successor.
JACK: Well, I never named a successor. And if I had, I wouldn't have named him Wendell.
JOANNE: Well, yeah, he's been teaching the McFarland Method ever since you left.
JACK: What?! This Wendell is teaching the McFarland Method? He's stealing from me! This is identity theft, the most heinous of crimes!
SALESPERSON: [TO JACK] Here are your sweaters, Mr. Truman.
JACK: Thank you.
SALESPERSON: We just need a signature.
[JACK SIGNS THE SALES SLIP AND TAKES THE BAG FROM THE SALESPERSON.]
[ACROSS THE ROOM, GRACE AND WILL ARE STANDING AT A LARGE WALL RACK OF JEANS.]
GRACE: Oh, my God, I think I see them. All the way-- All the way up on top.
WILL: Okay, I'll get a salesperson.
GRACE: No. No, no. I hate salespeople. What, I do all the work, and they get all the credit? When they ask me at the register who helped me, I always say no one. Even if they did. That money comes out of my pocket.
WILL: No, it doesn't.
GRACE: Shut up, and give me a boost. Come on.
WILL: You sure this is a good idea?
GRACE: Yeah, it's fine. It's like the climbing wall at the gym.
[GRACE BEGINS CLIMBING THE SHELF TO REACH THE JEANS.]
WILL: You mean the one you've never tried because you claim the handgrips smell farty?
GRACE: Hold my butt.
[WILL GIVES GRACE A BOOST.]
GRACE: Argh! Here we go-- Oh, got it! Oh, shoot. It's moving.
[THE SHELF IS SWAYING A LITTLE. GRACE STRAINS TO REACH THE JEANS ON THE TOP SHELF.]
WILL: Grace, let go of the jeans and climb down.
GRACE: I can't, it's my size!
WILL: Let go!
[THE SHELF SHIFTS AND GRACE FALLS TO THE FLOOR.]
WILL: It looks like you found them in Bruise.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A NEWSPAPER WHEN GRACE ENTERS, WEARING A NECK BRACE.]
GRACE: Hi, Will. I hope you didn't worry too much, but I'm gonna be okay.
WILL: Yeah, I know you're okay. You landed in a bin of cashmere sweaters. And bounced gently when you hit it. I think you even giggled like Snuggles the bear.
GRACE: I'm a fall survivor. If anything, you should feel guilty for not having fallen. Why aren't you taking this seriously?
WILL: Because you're wearing a ridiculous "I Love Lucy" neck brace.
GRACE: All right, so I may be overreacting a little bit. But it was scary. I realized that one day, I might die.
WILL: Yeah, and one day you might get the morning gunk out of your eye before noon, but I'm not holding my breath for that either.
GRACE: Will, I'm serious. I haven't made any of the major decisions. I mean, who will I give my things to? What will happen to my business? Where will I be buried?
WILL: Well, your business will go under. Your things are my things, so I'll just take them back. And I always figured I'd have you stuffed, and keep you by the front door to prop up umbrellas.
GRACE: I wanna do a will.
WILL: Yeah, well, get in line behind all the other ladies!
WILL: You wanna do this, it's fine. Drop by the office tomorrow.
GRACE: Good. God this thing itches.
[GRACE PULLS OFF THE NECK BRACE.]
GRACE: Oh, God. Aw, I shouldn't have done that. Now I gotta hold my head up myself.
SCENE III: Acting Studio
[JACK AND KAREN WALK UP TO THE CLASS ROOM. THERE IS A SIGN THAT SAYS "WENDELL SCHACTER/THE McFARLAND METHOD" AT THE DOOR.]
KAREN: [READING THE SIGN] "Wendell Schacter"? Pretty. I wonder what his real name was before he glammed it up for Hollywood.
[INSIDE THE CLASSROOM... JOANNE IS ON STAGE. WENDELL IS STANDING NEARBY. THERE ARE SEVERAL STUDENTS SITTING IN THE CHAIRS WATCHING JOANNE.]
JOANNE: Oh, what a noble mind is here or thrown. The court--
WENDELL: Stop. Just stop. What the hell is that? Clearly you don't understand Shakespeare. Now, Ophelia may be insane and suicidal, but first and foremost she's a pretty girl. You're in a sea of troubles. Why aren't you wearing a bikini? How can I drum this into your heads? Acting is not about emotion! It's about two things. Making pleasant faces and moving to the right spot. That is the very essence of the McFarland Method. Acting is attracting.
[JACK AND KAREN ARE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY LISTENING IN]
JACK: [QUIETLY TO KAREN] [GASPS] That's my catch phrase. Well, that and "ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa."
KAREN: [QUIETLY TO JACK] Honey, my catch phrase is "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, you figure it out."
WENDELL: All right, actors, let's take five. That'll give you a chance to purchase my McFarland method books, DVDs, mouse pads. I only have large men's t-shirts, and girls, I'm afraid I'm out of the baby tee's.
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, I had baby tee's. Then I put plant food on 'em, and now look. [KAREN MOTIONS TO HER BREASTS.]
[THE STUDENTS STAND UP.]
[JACK AND KAREN MAKE THEIR WAY TO WENDELL. JACK PICKS UP A BOOK.]
JACK: [TO WENDELL] Excuse me, Sir, could you please sign my book?
WENDELL: Sure, what's your name?
JACK: My name is Jack...!
KAREN: [WHISPERS] McFarland.
JACK: [TO KAREN] I know.
WENDELL: Hello, Jack.
JACK: How did you get your hands on the McFarland method?
WENDELL: I studied with you for two semesters.
JACK: No, you didn't. I would remember that.
WENDELL: I sat in the second row between Russell and Edwin...
[FLASHBACK... JACK IS ON THE STAGE.]
JACK: Okay, Russell, Edwin, please take your shirts off.
[RUSSELL AND EDWIN STAND UP AND TAKE THEIR SHIRTS OFF AND SIT BACK DOWN.]
JACK: [TO WENDELL] You in the middle, why don't you just button up?
[WENDELL BUTTONS UP HIS SHIRT.]
JACK: Thank you. Just...all the way.
[WENDELL BUTTONS UP THE LAST COLLAR BUTTON.]
[BACK TO THE PRESENT...]
WENDELL: And then one day, you didn't show up. So I took over.
JACK: Oh, and then one day I showed up, so you can leave.
RUSSELL: I'm confused. Who's teaching the class now?
WENDELL: [TO JACK] Now you see what you've done? You've broken the cardinal rule of acting. You've confused the hot guy.
JOANNE: [TO WENDELL] I thought the cardinal rule of acting was when I see you with your wife, I act like we're not sleeping together.
[WENDELL SHAKES HIS HEAD AT JOANNE.]
JACK: [TO WENDELL] You've used my method to have sex with women? Shame!
WENDELL: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. This is my class now. And there's nothing you can do about it.
KAREN: That's where you're wrong, Schacter. Do you really think that Jack McFarland would be stupid enough not to trademark his McFarland Method?
JACK: Because if you think that, you're right. I am that stupid.
[KAREN SIGHS AND ROLLS HER EYES.]
JACK: Karen, let's go!
[JACK AND KAREN EXIT.]
SCENE IV: The Law Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
[WILL IS SITTING AT HIS DESK WITH GRACE. THEY ARE GOING OVER HER WILL.]
WILL: Let's start with the money. So, uh. who do you wanna leave it to? I suppose you wanna leave a substantial amount to charity.
[WILL LAUGHS AND GRACE SNORTS AND LAUGHS.]
GRACE: No. Oh. Of course, I'd like you to get some.
WILL: Oh... Thank you. I'm very touched. How much would you like to leave me?
GRACE: Gosh, I don't know. How much did you leave me?
WILL: I'm not really comfortable disclosing that. Just leave what's in your heart. You know, the heart you're apparently keeping along with all your other organs even though they could save a life.
GRACE: I don't want some stranger peeing with my kidney. Yuck. Come on, Will. Tell me. We tell each other everything.
WILL: No, a will is a very personal thing. Nobody's seen it-- Except for my mother. But that's only 'cause I asked her to proof it. God, can you imagine the embarrassment of having a will with typos? I'd die! [BEAT] Again. Heh-heh...
GRACE: Your mother knows? Come on, tell me!
WILL: No. Stop-- Leave it alone. Come on. Let's get on with this. I got an insane amount of work to do today.
[A BELL RINGS FROM OUTSIDE THE OFFICE.]
WILL: Is that the sandwich cart? Egg salad!
[WILL JUMPS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND RUNS INTO THE HALLWAY.]
WILL: I called it, egg salad!
[GRACE PICKS UP WILL'S PHONE AND PRESSES THE INTERCOM BUTTON.]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE WITH A DEEP VOICE] Connie, it's Will. Can you get Will's mom on the phone?
SCENE V: The Truman Home
[GRACE IS IN THE LIVING ROOM WAITING FOR WILL'S MOTHER, MARILYN.]
MARILYN: [VOICE] Make yourself comfortable, Grace, I'll be there in a minute.
[GRACE GOES TO SIT DOWN...]
MARILYN: [VOICE] Please don't sit down until I get there.
[GRACE ROLLS OUT OF THE CHAIR ONTO THE FLOOR.]
[MARILYN ENTERS THE ROOM WITH A TRAY OF SANDWICHES AND A BOTTLE OF WINE.]
MARILYN: Oh, Grace, have you seen that new show "Desperate Housewives"? [CHUCKLES] My friends and I play this drinking game when we watch it. Yeah, one shot every five minutes.
[MARILYN TAKES A DRINK OF WINE.]
GRACE: Oh, look at that. You don't even need a TV.
MARILYN: Yeah, and sometimes I don't even have a friend over. So what brings you to this neck of the woods?
GRACE: I've been thinking about death. Do you ever think about death?
MARILYN: I was forced to this summer when our sweet little Biscuit died.
GRACE: Oh, I heard he was a wonderful dog.
MARILYN: He was a character, that one. He was just 25 pounds full of love. Unless you weren't white, then watch out.
GRACE: I don't know. I guess I must be thinking about it 'cause I'm doing my will now.
MARILYN: Now I know why you're here. You want me to proof it? Yeah, okay, I'll get my red pen and my half glasses.
GRACE: No. No, no, no. That's not why I'm here. This is a little awkward, but, um, I would like to leave Will some money. And I don't want him to be embarrassed if I leave him more than he left me. So how much did he leave me?
MARILYN: What's your game, Grace Adler?
GRACE: Nothing. I'm just curious.
MARILYN: I would never betray my son's confidence. He told me he was gay years ago, I still haven't told anyone.
GRACE: Marilyn, I understand. We can still chat about other things though, can't we?
MARILYN: I suppose.
GRACE: More wine?
MARILYN: Yeah. Oh, thank you.
GRACE: You're welcome.
[GRACE FILLS MARILYN'S WINE GLASS TO THE TOP OF THE RIM.]
SCENE V: Will and Jack's Apartment Building, Café Jacques'
[JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE OUTSIDE JACK'S APARTMENT.]
KAREN: Now, honey, are you still mad about that acting class? Why do you care anyway? You're a big executive at Out TV now. You got a briefcase, an office, big-boy underpants.
JACK: I guess because it's my class. And I should be the only one allowed to teach it.
KAREN: Well, honey, then go and get it. If you want something that much, you shouldn't let anything stand in your way.
JACK: Dammit, you're right!
[JACK GETS UP AND PUSHES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON. THE DOOR OPENS AND HE GETS IN. AS THE DOOR CLOSES, HE STOPS THEM AND HOLDS THEM OPEN.]
JACK: How do I get it, though? Because he won't give it up. He's clinging to it like he's Kirstie Alley and the class is a shred of dignity.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Well, honey, you've got to give him something that he wants more than that class.
JACK: A balloon ride over Taye Diggs' house?
KAREN: No, honey, something he wants.
KAREN: [SIGHS] I mean, the reason that people become acting teachers is that they're failed actors. I mean, look at you--ta Hagen. I mean, all the teachers would give it up in a minute if they got the right part.
JACK: But I can't get him to be an actor again.
KAREN: Honey, I have connections. I can get him a part.
JACK: Fantastic! But wait. If you had connections, why have you never gotten me a part?
KAREN: Honey, I said I had connections, not superpowers.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WORKING ON HIS NOTEBOOK COMPUTER WHEN GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: So I've decided on a number for the amount of money I wanna leave you.
WILL: Oh, great, let me just fill in the, uh--
GRACE: $1400. And if you go first, it'll be the same 1400 I got from you.
WILL: How did you-- Wait. [SNIFFS] Lavender perfume masking the scent of an afternoon spritzer. The way you're standing up straight as if somebody told you to stop slouching. You've been to see my mother!
GRACE: Will, I don't--I don't get it. You're--you're rich. And I don't mean in that stupid "It's a Wonderful Life" kinda way, where you have a lot of friends. You have money.
WILL: This is not about my money, Grace. This is a breach of trust. I can't believe that you went to my mother. God, I can't even talk to you right now!
[WILL GETS UP AND GETS HIS COAT.]
GRACE: This never would have happened if you had just told me in the first place.
[WILL EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE VII: The Acting Studio
[THERE ARE SEVERAL STUDENTS STANDING AND SITTING AROUND WHEN WENDELL WALKS IN.]
WENDELL: All right, actors, take your seats. We have a lot of work today. Elaine, are you gaining weight?
ELAINE: I'm pregnant.
WENDELL: Well, congratulations. You just went from leading lady to funny friend.
[KAREN ENTERS THE ROOM.]
KAREN: Uh, excuse me. Mr. Dennehy.
WENDELL: I am not Brian Dennehy.
KAREN: Oh... Right, and I'm not Betty Boop. Hey, what if I were to tell you that you are going to walk out of here right now and never teach this class again?
WENDELL: [SCOFFS] I don't think so. There's nothing that would make me leave my students.
KAREN: Even if I were able to get you the acting job of your dreams?
WENDELL: King Lear on Broadway?
KAREN: Close! Banging on a garbage can lid in the road company of Stomp.
[KAREN PICKS UP A BROOM HANDLE AND A GARBAGE CAN LID AND GIVES THEM TO WENDELL.]
WENDELL: Well, I hardly think that, uh, um...
[WENDELL TAPS THE HANDLE ON THE LID A COUPLE OF TIMES.]
WENDELL: Oh, I could get used to this. Goodbye, class.
JOANNE: Where's he going? Does that mean I shouldn't go to the Radisson after class?
KAREN: Students, I have good news. Allow me to introduce the creator of the McFarland Method, Mr. Jack--
JACK: [PEEKS IN AND WHISPERS] McFarland.
KAREN: I know! [SIGHS]
JACK: Yes, it's me! And from now on, this class will be run the McFarland way. Gentlemen, up front. Ladies, take the broken chairs.
[THE CLASS SWITCHES AROUND.]
SCENE VIII: Riverside Drive
[WILL IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET. GRACE CATCHES UP TO HIM.]
GRACE: Will, don't turn this around. You're the one that did something hurtful to me.
WILL: You want more money, Grace, fine, you can have more money. There's 300 bucks in the back of my--
GRACE: Sock drawer. Now it's 20 and a frozen yogurt punch card. How could you do that? How could you leave me such a measly amount of money? Is that how little I mean to you?
WILL: Of course not.
GRACE: Then, why?
WILL: You wanna know? You really wanna know?
WILL: Because 15 years ago when I wrote that will, that's all the money I had.
GRACE: Wait, you haven't updated your will in 15 years? Will, you update your Barry Manilow fan site, web thing every day.
WILL: I'm telling you, Grace, it's called the "Manilow-down." And people depend on it.
[WILL SIGHS AND SITS DOWN ON A STOOP.]
WILL: I tried to rewrite that will so many times. Every time I sit down to make a list of everything I have, I just feel like I have nothing.
GRACE: Will, you've got everything. You've got your health, friends, family. You just made partner. And most importantly of all, you still have all your hair.
[GRACE CLICKS HER TONGUE AND WINKS.]
WILL: It's just, the guy I am now... is not the guy I was hoping to be when I wrote that will in law school.
GRACE: Oh, come on.
WILL: No, I'm serious. I-I never thought I'd be just another corporate lawyer with a lot of stuff. I wanted to accomplish... more.
GRACE: Will, you are young. Whatever it is you want to accomplish in your life, there is still plenty of time to do it.
WILL: You think?
GRACE: I know. Come on. Accomplish us a couple of hot dogs.
[GRACE STANDS UP AND PULLS WILL UP FROM THE STEP. THE STEP INTO THE STREET AND ARE ALMOST HIT BY A BUS.]
[THE BUS GOES PAST; WILL AND GRACE HOLDING EACH OTHER CLOSE, IN SHOCK.]
SCENE IX: The Acting Studio
[JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING ON THE STAGE, QUIETLY TALKING.]
KAREN: You okay, honey?
JACK: No, I'm not. I thought I wanted to teach this class. But now that I have it again, it feels like a step backwards.
KAREN: Maybe you're just moving on. You're showing growth.
JACK: Oh, sorry.
[JACK CROSSES HIS LEGS.]
JACK: You know, I don't miss teaching. I guess I just miss people looking at me. I miss being the center of attention. [WHISPERS] Is that wrong?
KAREN: No, honey, that's just who you are. And you'll find something. You can't help but shine.
JACK: Oh, Karen. But how am I gonna tell all my students I'm abandoning them again?
KAREN: Don't. Just cash their checks and then never come back.
JACK: That's a good idea. There isn't hope of any one of them ever having an actual career anyway.
[JACK AND KAREN LAUGH.]
JOANNE: Um, we're still here.
[JACK AND KAREN LOOK UP. THE ENTIRE CLASSROOM HAS BEEN WATCHING AND LISTENING TO THEM.]
JACK: And scene.
SCENE X: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
[WILL IS SITTING AT HIS DESK WHEN GRACE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND ENTERS HIS OFFICE.]
GRACE: Hey. In honor of us not getting hit by that bus, I thought that I would treat us to lunch.
WILL: Wow, you are happy to be alive. Just so you know, I have finished both of our wills.
GRACE: Really? Wow.
WILL: And I'm leaving you more than you're leaving me. A lot more.
GRACE: Yay! You know, after what happened to us, I realize that I just-- I need to start making some changes in my life. So you know what I did? I bought this bag.
[GRACE HOLDS UP HER NEW PURSE.]
GRACE: Shouldn't have. Can't afford it. Came out of your inheritance. But really wanted it. So I've decided I'm gonna start giving myself gifts.
WILL: That's great. Good for you, sweetie.
GRACE: Thank you.
WILL: I made some changes too.
GRACE: Oh, great.
WILL: I quit my job.
GRACE: Excuse me?
[WILL PICKS UP A BOX AND PUTS IT ON HIS DESK. IT'S FILLED WITH HIS THINGS.]
WILL: I quit my job. I want to do something meaningful with my life. So I quit. Where you taking me for lunch?
GRACE: Will, you just dropped a bombshell on me. Don't you think you should pay now?