Original Airdate 3/17/2005
Written by Laura Kightlinger
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Eric Allan Kramer (Barry)
Fred Sanders (Jerry)
Victor Z. Issac (Jason)
Alison Martin (Gabby)
Robbie Troy (Candy)
Charles C. Stevenson Jr (Smitty)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL EXITS HIS BEDROOM.]
WILL: Grace, honest opinion, how does my ass look in these pants?
[KAREN IS SITTING AT THE TABLE READING A NEWSPAPER--NOT GRACE.]
KAREN: Like two kittens playing in a laundry bag.
WILL: Karen, what are you-- Oh, right. I forgot that Jack and I are playing Hag Swap.
KAREN: Yeah. If you're expecting me to wet set your hair and give you butterfly kisses at night like Grace does, you can forget about it!
JACK: So we were having a meeting with all the executives at Out TV and I had a huge realization.
WILL: That six months ago all of you were cater waiters?
KAREN: That six months from now all of you will be cater waiters?
JACK: Will, you're mean. Karen, you're hilarious. No, my realization was I'm the only guy there who doesn't own property. So I was thinking of buying a weekend home in Middleborough.
WILL: Where's Middleborough?
JACK: Wake up, little Suzy! Middleborough, New York! It's the next big hot gay getaway.
WILL: You do realize you can't buy a house with box tops and enthusiasm.
JACK: [SIGHS] Remember my aunt who always said she'd help me if I needed it?
JACK: Well, good news... She died!
KAREN: Okay, I guess I'll ask the obvious question. Since when are gays allowed to own property?
WILL: Since we were set free and given 40 acres and some Prada mules.
JACK: Anyway, there's a fantastic house I've had my eye on. Three bedrooms. Two and a half baths. I don't know what a half bath is. I think you have to pee in the sink.
KAREN: Honey, if that's true, then all of my bathrooms are half baths.
JACK: Will, will you come look at it with me this weekend? Real estate's got numbers and contracts. [SIGHS] I'm afraid I'll have to use my brain.
WILL: Oh, God, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
[GRACE ENTERS THE APARTMENT WITH HER FRIEND ELLEN.]
GRACE: Everyone, look who I ran into! Ellen!
GRACE: I was getting some coffee and she was on her way to the doctor to see about getting her boobs done.
GRACE: Oh, was that a secret? Sorry.
[GRACE MAKES MOTIONS AND MOUTHS TO THE OTHERS BEHIND ELLEN'S BACK:]
GRACE: [MOUTHING] One is bigger than the other.
WILL: Ellen, is that a wise thing to do? I mean, how many months pregnant are you?
WILL: Well, that's a bad shirt.
ELLEN: You try popping out a few babies and see what kind of shirt you wear.
KAREN: Hey, I popped out two step-children, and I still know how to dress.
ELLEN: [TO GRACE] Look, you're sure it's not a problem for you to watch the kids tomorrow?
No problem at all. How hard is it to watch two kids?
ELLEN: I have three.
GRACE: [GRACE] Oh, yeah, I forgot about little... um... Okay, I'll see you later.
KAREN: All right, Ellen. Good luck with the new jug. While you're there, you might have 'em take a nip at the old gobble gobble. [KAREN TAPS UNDER HER CHIN.]
JACK: Bye, Ellen.
ELLEN: Bye, Jack.
JACK: [RUBBING AND SPEAKING INTO ELLEN'S STOMACH] Bye-bye, little guy.
ELLEN: Why do I come here?
JACK: 'Cause it's fun for us. Gobble gobble!
SCENE II: Middleborough, Upstate New York -- Jack's New Home
[JACK IS SHOWING WILL THE HOUSE HE IS INTERESTED IN BUYING.]
JACK: Isn't this house cute? I especially love the eaves. I'm all about eaves. Didn't I tell you it was great?
WILL: Yeah, you also said the style was Victor-Victorian, so I didn't have a lot of confidence. But this place is unbelievable. It's a great price. Doesn't need a lot of work. And really...this is an up and coming gay hot spot?
JACK: Oh, please. This place is so gay, the town bird is a condom. Heh heh heh....
WILL: Well, Jack you did great. This house is fit for a queen. Who knew there was an undiscovered jewel like this in upstate New York? You--you should buy it.
JACK: Guess what? I already did!
WILL: You did? I can't believe it. I'm kinda jealous. I wish I'd gone in on it with you.
JACK: Guess what? You already did!
JACK: Yeah. Remember that money we set aside for our Fire Island share this summer?
WILL: You mean where I put in $15,000 and you put in $6 dollars?
JACK: Put her there, partner.
WILL: So your aunt didn't die?
JACK: Oh, she did. She's just dirt poor.
WILL: This is just the kind of stupid, impulsive-- Oh, my God, I am totally taking my Christmas card picture in front of this fireplace!
[WILL AND JACK SIT IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE AND SMILE, AS IF POSING FOR A PICTURE.]
WILL: This is so exciting! We've discovered the new gay getaway. It's like Key West before the first frozen drink washed ashore.
JACK: Oh, look. We're even featured in this month's Details, the official magazine of guys who haven't come out yet.
[JACK PULLS OUT A PAGE FROM DETAILS MAGAZINE AND BEGINS READING.]
JACK: [READING] "Real estate insiders are buzzing--"
WILL: I love buzzing. I've always wanted to be someplace that was buzzing.
JACK: [READING] "The little hamlet where sophisticated urbanites are flocking."
WILL: Sophisticated urbanites. What a fun way to say "gay"! You know, they probably wouldn't ban it if it was called "sophisticated urbanite marriage."
JACK: [READING] "If you haven't heard of Middleborough, New Hampshire, you soon will."
WILL: Middleborough, New York.
JACK: [SCOFFS] I'm not an idiot. I think I know how to read. It says "Middleborough, New Hampshire."
WILL: Well, that's great. 'Cause we just bought a house in Middleborough, New York!
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS DECORATING THE APARTMENT WITH FOOD, TOYS, BALLOONS AND OTHER CHILDREN'S ITEMS. KAREN WALKS IN WITH A COUPLE OF SHOPPING BAGS.]
KAREN: Oh! Honey, look at this place! All ready for the little ones.
GRACE: I had so much fun buying all these kids' toys. And you don't have to wear sunglasses like when you buy adult toys.
KAREN: Ooh, honey, and good thinking putting out all this crappy furniture so that the kids can't ruin the good stuff.
[THE FURNITURE IS WILL'S SAME FURNITURE.]
GRACE: Oh, I'm so excited about being a mom for a day.
[GRACE PICKS UP A SMALL BASKETBALL AND TOSSES IT INTO A BASKETBALL HOOP.]
KAREN: Oh, honey, they're gonna have a ball with you. And look what I brought! Juice boxes! Huh?
[KAREN PULLS TWO BOXES OF WINE OUT OF THE SHOPPING BAGS.]
GRACE: Okay, Karen, for the last time, wine is not juice. And a leather whip is not a jump rope.
KAREN: Made you jump.
[GRACE'S CELL PHONE RINGS. SHE PICKS IT UP AND LOOKS AT THE CALLER ID.]
GRACE: Oh, it's that new client. He's always so flirtatious with me.
[GRACE ANSWERS THE PHONE.]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Hi, Eric. No, you're not bothering me at all. I just got out of the shower. I'm just wearing a towel. No, no, I'm sorry, I can't meet you. I'm babysitting for some friends. Okay, bye-bye. Oh, my towel just fell.
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
KAREN: Listen, honey, if you need to start your new job, I could look after the kids for you.
GRACE: Yeah, um, I don't think that Ellen, or the State of New York, would be comfortable with you watching her children.
KAREN: What are you saying, Grace? Are you implying that I'm irresponsible?
GRACE: Are you implying that you've never heard that before?
KAREN: I raised two step-children on my own.
GRACE: Karen, you have a staff of over 30. Including one who looks exactly like you in case one of the kids wants a hug from "Mom" in the middle of the night.
KAREN: Honey, that's not fair. I loved those kids. And so did Karen II!
GRACE: Why are you getting so upset?
KAREN: Maybe because you're accusing me of being a bad mother, and saying that I can't be trusted around children. Children of people that we barely like I might add. I'm leaving and taking my juice boxes with me. And this sippy cup.
[KAREN PICKS UP A BOTTLE FROM THE COFFEE TABLE AND EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE IV: Middleborough, Jack and Will's Home
[WILL AND JACK ARE MOPING AROUND AFTER LEARNING THAT THE HOUSE IS NOT IN THE NEW HOT SPOT.]
JACK: So this place isn't gay after all. Well, it makes sense. On the way in, we didn't see a single antique store, pilates studio, or a man who weighed less than 280 pounds.
WILL: Or a billboard warning against sexually transmitted diseases.
[A KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOOR.]
WILL: Who is it?
[JACK PEEKS OUT THE CURTAIN IN THE DOOR.]
JACK: It's townspeople. It looks like the cast of "Rosanne."
WILL: Well... guess you better let 'em in.
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR. TWO MEN, TWO WOMEN, AND A TEENAGE BOY ENTER THE HOUSE: JERRY AND HIS WIFE, GABBY; BARRY AND HIS WIFE, CANDY, AND THEIR SON, JASON.]
JERRY: You the guys who bought the place?
WILL: Uh, yes, but we're not planning on--
BARRY: But you're gay, right?
JACK: No. Actually, my father and I we're just about to go trolling around town for smart, attractive ladies. [WAVING TO THE WOMEN] Hellooo!
CANDY: You sure you're not gay?
GABBY: And before you answer, we've been to San Francisco.
JACK: Well, we haven't. And I certainly have not marched nude in their gay pride parade. Twice.
JERRY: So you're not gay? Aw, crap. I got my hopes up for nothing.
WILL: Wait, you--you want us to be gay?
JERRY: Well, sure. When the gays come, the property values shoot up. And they fill the place with cute restaurants and adorable shops.
WILL: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but, um, good news, small town families! We are gay!
[WILL PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JACK'S SHOULDER AND THEY SMILE.]
[THE "TOWNSPEOPLE" CHEER.]
BARRY: I knew it! I knew it! Oh, man, we are gonna make you feel so welcome here. Hey, there's real good chance our son Jason's gay.
JASON: Dad, I'm not gay.
BARRY: Hey, you wanna go to college? You're gay. And Native American.
JACK: Well, I hate to break it to you, plain folk, but, um, we're not staying.
WILL: Yeah, we really-- we thought we were buying a house in the other Middleborough. But my friend here, well, he's made of straw.
[WILL KNOCKS ON JACK'S HEAD AND CHUCKLES.]
JERRY: Well, this sucks! So you're telling me there's nothing we can say to make you change your mind?
WILL: [SHRUGS] Sorry.
CANDY: Okay, but some people might not take kindly to gays moving out of the neighborhood.
WILL: Well, uh-- Are you threatening us?
BARRY: Let's just say you've been warned.
[THE "TOWNSPEOPLE" LEAVE.]
JACK: Will, I'm frightened. I've never felt so welcome in my life.
WILL: Relax, Jack, I mean, really, what's gonna happen?
[SUDDENLY, AN OBJECT COMES SAILING THROUGH THE BACK DOOR AND LANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR.]
JACK: Oh, my God! Somebody threw a brick through our window.
[WILL PICKS UP THE "BRICK" AND LOOKS AT IT.]
WILL: No... They threw a loaf of banana bread. And there's a note: "Gays, don't go home. P.S. Enjoy the jam."
JACK: What jam?
[A SMALL JAR COMES FLYING THROUGH THE BACK DOOR AND LANDS IN JACK'S HAND.]
SCENE V: Middleborough, Jack and Will's Home
[LATER THAT NIGHT...]
WILL: Jack, now's our chance. It's 8:05. Everyone here is straight, so they're obviously watching "Cold Case." Let's sneak out to the car.
JACK: God, I'm so nervous. In the last ten minutes, I've used the half bath three times.
WILL: Jack, these people mean business. Four teenagers drove by and egged our house. Well, they left a quiche on the front porch.
[WILL AND JACK PICK UP THEIR BAGS AND SNEAK OUT THE BACK DOOR TO THE DRIVEWAY.]
WILL: Hurry up, Jack. Before the high school band marches by again playing "We Are Family."
JACK: Damn. The one time I leave the house without my giant papier maché head.
A MAN'S VOICE: There they are! Let's go!
[A MARCHING BAND'S DRUM CORPS CAN BE HEARD APPROACHING.]
WILL: Oh, my God. Where are the keys?
JACK: I thought you had them!
WILL: I thought you had them.
A MAN'S VOICE: Quick, Bob, grab the tiramisu!
WILL: Oh, my God, retreat! Retreat!
[JACK AND WILL RUN BACK INTO THE HOUSE AS THE BAND BEGINS PLAYING "WE ARE FAMILY".]
SCENE VI: Grace Adler Designs
[KAREN IS SITTING AT HER DESK WHEN GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Hey, Karen. I'm glad you're here.
KAREN: Well, I suppose you've come to apologize.
GRACE: Okay, um... There was a situation that happened between us. And as a result of that situation, you were upset. For that, I'm sorry.
KAREN: Okay. You know what I'm not hearing? An actual apology... and a decent Rolling Stones song since 1973.
GRACE: Look, Karen, I'm sorry, but taking care of children is a huge responsibility. It's more "Tickle Me Elmo" and less "Let's fill Elmo up with drugs and smuggle him across the border."
ELLEN: Hi, guys.
GRACE: Oh, Ellen, hi! What are you doing here?
ELLEN: Hey, I wanted to bring you this. It's little Roman's DVD, Barney and Friends at the Park.
GRACE: Oh, okay, I just gotta make sure I don't mix this up with, uh, Will's DVD, Bernie and Friends at the Gym.
ELLEN: Yeah. Just have Will put it in after Roman wakes from his nap.
GRACE: Well, Will's out of town, but I'll remember.
ELLEN: Oh, uh, Will's not gonna be there?
GRACE: Is that a problem?
ELLEN: [NERVOUS] You know what I just realized? Rob's sister can probably do it. She lives closer to us anyway.
GRACE: Judy? The one who has to turn the lights on 14 times or the oceans will dry up?
KAREN: Ellen, why would you leave your kids with someone who has such an important job?
GRACE: Ellen, what's going on?
ELLEN: [UNCOMFORTABLE] Um, well, I assumed that you and Will would be watching them together. And, uh, well...
GRACE: Well what? You don't think I'm responsible enough to take care of your children on my own?
KAREN: Oh-ho. This is so delicious, it's got to be fattening.
ELLEN: Rob's sister will just be easier.
GRACE: [HURT] Oh. Okay, um...
[KAREN STOPS GLOATING WHEN SHE SEES THAT GRACE IS REALLY HURT.]
GRACE: Well, if you don't want me watching your kids, then I guess there's really nothing else to say. Excuse me.
[GRACE PICKS UP HER PURSE AND EXITS THE OFFICE.]
ELLEN: Wow. Heh. Well, I guess I better go.
KAREN: Hey, hey, Ellen. You should be ashamed of yourself. And not just because you're dressed like an audience member from "The Price is Right."
ELLEN: Uh, excuse me, this is Ann Taylor LOFT.
KAREN: Yeah, and I'll bet when you [ENGLISH ACCENT] walked down the street they all loft.
ELLEN: You know what? I'm leaving.
KAREN: No, you're not. Listen, you're wrong about Grace. She's one of the kindest, most caring, and most responsible people that I have ever met. She spent hours transforming her crappy apartment into an even crappier one so that your kids could have a good time. Yeah. And she was so worried about their health, she wouldn't even let them have any juice!
[KAREN PICKS UP A BOX OF WINE.]
KAREN: Your kids would be lucky to spend time with someone like Grace. She's got a heart as big as her nose. If you can't see that, then you should get your eyes fixed instead of that freak show under your shirt.
[ELLEN HANGS HER HEAD AND EXITS THE OFFICE.]
SCENE VII: Middleborough, Jack and Will's Home
[JACK AND WILL ARE PEEKING OUT THE CURTAINS.]
JACK: What are they doing out there?
WILL: I can't be sure, but I think it's the second act of Pippin.
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR SLIGHTLY TO YELL OUT THE DOOR:]
JACK: [LOUDLY] Why aren't you people watching "Cold Case"?!
[JACK CLOSES THE DOOR.]
WILL: Come on, Jack, let's try the back door.
JACK: [OFFENDED] Will Truman! Coming on to me at a time like this!
WILL: Oh, for God's sake, come on!
[THE DOOR BEGINS TO OPEN. JACK TRIES TO HOLD IT SHUT, BUT THE TOWNSFOLK FORCE THEIR WAY IN.]
JACK: They're forcing their way in and they've got torches!
BARRY: Actually, they're scented candles.
JASON: They make wonderful accents.
BARRY: There's my college boy.
WILL: Look, we're--we're not the kind of gays you want. We're not pioneers, we're... we're lazy gays. The lazy, hazy, crazy gays of summer. We wanna move someplace where somebody else has already done the work.
JACK: Our kind of gay couldn't survive here. You need heartier stock.
BARRY: We can't wait for pioneer gays! It took us 20 years to get you! No, you're stayin'!
WILL: You don't need us. You can fix up this town and make it fabulous all on your own! You just need a few design accents.
[THE TOWNSFOLK DISAGREE LOUDLY.]
WILL: Look, it's easy! Look at how I upgraded the bathroom in just half an hour. Come here.
[WILL MOTIONS FOR THEM TO GO INTO THE BATHROOM. THEY ALL FILE INTO THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: I found hand towels that matched the tile. I put out a bowl of potpourri. And I smooth-coated the stucco to create a kind of Moroccan--
[WILL SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.]
WILL: [TO JACK] Let's get the hell out of here!
[WILL GRABS JACK'S HAND AND PULLS HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.]
JACK: But I wanted to see the bathroom!
SCENE VIII: Karen's Favorite Bar
[KAREN IS SITTING ALONE AT A TABLE. SMITTY THE BARTENDER BRINGS HER A MARTINI.]
KAREN: Ah, Smitty. I'm feeling a little down. A friend told me that she didn't think I would be a good mother.
SMITTY: Well, my own mother was shot dead in front of me by her boyfriend when I was twelve. And I've been haunted ever since, wondering if I could have saved her.
[KAREN GUFFAWS AND SLAPS HER HAND ON THE TABLE.]
KAREN: That's funny. I am telling you. You have got to start writing these down. Get out of here, you crazy.
[GRACE ENTERS THE BAR.]
GRACE: Hi, Karen.
[KAREN LOOKS UP AND SIGHS.]
GRACE: Ellen apologized. She told me what you said. Thank you.
KAREN: I just told her everything that I believe. Well, not everything. I didn't tell her that I think that Robin Williams shines in dramatic roles.
GRACE: Oh, thank goodness. I never would've seen those kids again. Look, I am so sorry for what I said about you. I was wrong. You would be great with those kids.
KAREN: I don't know, honey. I think maybe you were right.
GRACE: No. Granted, you're not what I would call a traditional mom.
GRACE: But when the chips are down, you come through. Even though you were angry with me, you still stood up for me. If that's not being a mother, I don't know what is.
KAREN: Really, honey? Do you mean that?
GRACE: Sure. And why not? You're already a good stepmother.
KAREN: I do love those girls.
GRACE: Mason's a boy.
KAREN: Oh, of course. Young ladies now.