Original Airdate 2/24/2005
Written by Kate Angelo
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Ed Burns (Nick)
Stuart Townsend ("Pastry Chef" Edward)
Mathew Botuchis (Dave)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[KAREN AND GRACE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH TALKING.]
KAREN: Okay, okay, I got one. I got one. Would you rather smell Will's armpit at 6:00 PM or his breath at 6:00 AM?
GRACE: That's so hard... Has he been to the gym? What did he eat the night before?
KAREN: Hour on the treadmill. Indian food.
GRACE: Ugh. How do I pick? They're both gonna smell of curry.
[WILL STANDS UP IN THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: Okay, I asked you an hour ago, please play this game at your office! Come on, Karen. We have to go over your household finances.
KAREN: All right! What'd I do wrong now?
WILL: You are spending way too much. As your lawyer, I gotta warn you, it's not gonna last forever.
KAREN: When will it run out?
WILL: In three or... four hundred years. But still, you can cut down. Now that Stan's gone, do you really need Pastry Chef, or Mustard Spreader... or Pants Hoister?
KAREN: Well... I guess I could get rid of Pastry Chef. He makes these wierd brownies that don't make me paranoid.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. GRACE OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S THE GUY SHE MET RECENTLY, NICK.]
GRACE: Hey. [TO WILL AND KAREN] Everybody, Nick is taking me to Union Square Café.
KAREN: Oh. So the Nick's taking you out for a fancy meal. [TO NICK] Hey, corn beef and cabbage. Where'd you come up with the scratch? Oh, don't tell me. You're dad's a cop and he's on the take.
NICK: Let's just say I had a very good month.
GRACE: He hit the jackpot. One of Nick's greeting cards just went mug.
NICK: It's kind of an industry term. What it means is that one of the cards I wrote is being put on a mug. I probably didn't need to explain that, did I?
WILL: No, Nick, that's so cool?
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] You really think so?
WILL: [QUIETLY] No. What am I supposed to say?
[A BUNCH OF QUICK KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. JACK OPENS THE DOOR AND PEEKS HIS HEAD IN. HE IS EXCITED WITH A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE.]
JACK: So, what'd you think?!
GRACE: About what?
JACK: Our new show just premiered on OutTV! You watched it right?
WILL: [ALL TOGETHER] Sure!
GRACE: [ALL TOGETHER] Yeah!
KAREN: [ALL TOGETHER] You bet!
JACK: Okay, good.
[JACK CLOSES THE DOOR.]
[JACK REOPENS THE DOOR AND PEEKS HIS HEAD IN AGAIN.]
JACK: What was your favorite part?
WILL: [ALL TOGETHER] The locker room.
GRACE: [ALL TOGETHER] The shower scene.
KAREN: [ALL TOGETHER] The orgasm in the deli.
JACK: Okay, well, if I'm gonna check with everybody in the city, I better get going!
[JACK CLOSES THE DOOR.]
NICK: [TO GRACE] So--so Jack works for a network?
NICK: You know, I've got a script that I've been working on. You think there's any way, maybe, you could pass it along to him? I mean, you know, only if you like it, of course.
GRACE: You want me to read it?
NICK: Yeah, if you would.
GRACE: Oh, my God! I would love to! I'm just so flattered you'd ask.
KAREN: God, keep your pants on. He didn't propose.
GRACE: You know, this-- this could be so great. I've always wanted to write something that people didn't throw away fast, just to get to the present, you know?
WILL: Hey, don't be so down on yourself. Some of those cards are really cool.
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] You think so?
WILL: [QUIETLY] No, but I got nothing to say to this guy.
SCENE II: Karen Walker's Penthouse, the Kitchen
[ROSARIO IS SITTING AT THE COUNTER WATCHING A SMALL TV WHEN WILL WALKS IN.]
WILL: Oh, hey, Rosie, I need to have a word with Pastry Chef.
ROSARIO: After the commercial. I'm watching my telenovela.
WILL: That's an interesting set. There's a crucifix behind every piece of furniture.
[ROSARIO TURNS OFF THE TV.]
ROSARIO: Okay, the twist in this story is both the mother and the daughter are whores.
[ROSARIO EXITS THE KITCHEN.]
[A MUSCULAR MAN IN A TANK TOP ENTERS THE KITCHEN FROM THE PANTRY. HE IS CARRY A LARGE SACK OF FLOUR ON HIS SHOULDER.]
EDWARD: Can I help you?
[EDWARD DROPS THE BAG ON THE ISLAND COUNTER.]
WILL: Dear God, tell me you're not Pastry Chef.
EDWARD: Yeah, I'm Edward. Forgive the appearance. I don't like to be constrained by clothing while I bake. If the health department would let me, I'd bake in the nude.
[EDWARD PUTS ON AN APRON AROUND HIS WAIST.]
WILL: Maybe you should send the health department a picture. They might make an exception. Uh, ahem! I'm--I'm Will Truman, Karen Walker's attorney.
[EDWARD DIPS HIS FINGER INTO A BOWL.]
WILL: There's no easy way to say this--
[EDWARD PUSHES HIS FINGER INTO WILL'S MOUTH.]
EDWARD: Taste this.
WILL: Mmm! That is the perfect combination of sugar, lemon zest, and finger.
EDWARD: So what can I do for you?
WILL: Well, I, uh, came here to, um-- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Do you even like your job?
EDWARD: Yeah, I love my job. I mean, it's my life. And without it, I'd be deported.
[EDWARD SQUEEZES WILL'S SHOULDER.]
EDWARD: Somebody works out, huh? I thought lawyers were supposed to pass the bar, not lift it.
[EDWARD TAKES HIS HAND AWAY, LEAVING FLOUR DUST ON WILL'S JACKET.]
WILL: [GIGGLING] I'm dirty, and I don't even care. God, it smells so good in here! I've only been here five minutes, and already I could eat everything in sight. [WILL LOOKS AT EDWARD, SMILING]
EDWARD: See, for me, the joy isn't in the eating. It's in the making. Here...
[EDWARD TAKES WILL'S HANDS AND LEADS HIM TO A BALL OF DOUGH. EDWARD KNEADS THE DOUGH USING WILL'S HANDS.]
EDWARD: That's it. Now put your body into it.
[EDWARD AND WILL MOVE THEIR BODIES AND HANDS INTO THE DOUGH.]
EDWARD: Ooh. You're very good at this. Have you ever kneaded something before?
WILL: Never more than right now!
SCENE III: The Offices of OutTV, Jack's Office
[JACK IS SITTING AT HIS DESK WHEN HIS YOUNG ASSISTANT, DAVE, WALKS IN.]
DAVE: Uh, Jack, there's a Grace Adler here to see you.
JACK: Thank you, Elizabeth. Just show her in, please.
DAVE: Uh, no, my name's Dave, right?
JACK: Listen, it's bad enough I'm the only one here with a straight assistant. Do not make me call you that ridiculous name!
DAVE: Yeah, but--
JACK: That will be all, Elizabeth!
[DAVE EXITS THE OFFICE AND SHOWS GRACE IN.]
GRACE: I-- I am impressed! Out TV is real. I mean, all those people you said you work with, I can see them too.
JACK: I know, isn't it great, Grace? And look-- check out this phone.
[JACK SHOWS GRACE THE PHONE ON HIS DESK.]
JACK: I have full access to lines one and two, whenever they're not in use. All I have to do is fill out a form, submit it for approval, and within 24 hours I may or may not be talking to someone.
GRACE: Wow. You know, I can sort of do the same thing on my cell phone.
JACK: But you don't have the forms. So what can I do for you, Grace? What's the news on the Rialto?
[JACK SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK AND KICKS HIS FEET UP ONTO THE FILING CABINET.]
GRACE: Um...I'm here about Nick. Uh, he wants to break into TV writing. And so he gave me this script to pass along to you. Will you read it?
[GRACE SETS THE SCRIPT ON JACK'S DESK.]
JACK: Of course I will, dear. Is it any good?
GRACE: Oh, is it any good? It's--it's touching, heartwarming, and I know that this is a cliché, but it--it made me wanna be a better person.
JACK: You didn't read it, did you?
GRACE: No, but I told him I did. What if I read it and I don't like it? Uhh! I mean, it could ruin my entire relationship. And it's not like that didn't happen before. When I was in college, I dated--
JACK: A homo?
GRACE: No! A guy in a rock band. And I went to see him, and it turned out he was--
JACK: A homo?
GRACE: No! He was terrible. And it was a big turnoff, and I dumped him, and I don't wanna do the same thing to Nick. So please read it.
JACK: Sure thing. But, Grace... Where's that guy from the rock band now?
GRACE: I don't know.
JACK: Grace... Where is he?
GRACE: [QUIETLY] He's a chorus boy on the Queen Mary II.
[GRACE EXITS THE OFFICE WITH HER HEAD HUNG DOWN.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
[KAREN OPENS THE DOOR AND BARGES IN TO TALK TO WILL.]
KAREN: William, I need to speak with you!
WILL: Hey, Karen.
KAREN: So... I get a hankering to go out to Fortunoff's in Manhasset to buy colorful plastic plates. But when I get out to the helipad to take the chopper, what do I discover? Helicopter Pilot has been fired.
WILL: Okay, I thought it was okay to fire Helicopter Pilot seeing as--as you don't own a helicopter.
KAREN: You said you were gonna fire Pastry Chef!
WILL: Yes, about that, I gave it some thought, and as your lawyer, I believe that in these uncertain times, having a pastry chef on permanent staff just makes solid economic sense.
KAREN: [SUSPICIOUS] What? There is something going on here. I smell liquor on my breath. You're drunk!
WILL: No, Karen, I just-- I met him, and I watched him work. The man is a genius. He's--he's an artist. I mean, would you fire Picasso?
KAREN: I would, and I did! He put both breasts on one side of my body. I wouldn't take it from Plastic Surgeon, and I wouldn't take it from him!
WILL: Karen, I strongly recommend that you keep this man on staff, and that you give him the weekend off in case someone wants to take him to Montauk.
KAREN: Wait a second. I think I see what's going on here. You are looking out for my best interest. Thank you!
WILL: Ah, you're welcome. Oh, and on a completely different topic, could I borrow your place in Montauk this weekend?
KAREN: Well, sure, honey, take the chopper.
[KAREN EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE V: The Offices of OutTV, Jack's Office
[JACK IS SITTING AT HIS DESK. NICK TAKES A SEAT IN ONE OF THE CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THE DESK.]
JACK: So, we are here to talk about your script. This is the moment of truth.
[A LONG AWKWARD PAUSE...]
JACK: Did you like it?
NICK: I wrote it.
JACK: Of course you did! We have to ask. Legal reasons.
NICK: What about you, Jack? Did you like it?
JACK: I liked some parts. Some parts were just okay. Some parts were a little tricky.
NICK: What specifically?
JACK: Okay, well, I really, um... I liked the character of, um... [FLIPS OPEN A PAGE AND LOOKS] Fidet Oot.
NICK: That says "Fade Out". You didn't read it, did you, Jack?
JACK: I'm sorry. "Kevin Hill" was on. Me digs Taye Diggs. Heh-heh.
NICK: And you're supposed to be a professional. Well, thank you for wasting my time.
[NICK STANDS UP AND WALKS TO THE DOOR TO LEAVE.]
JACK: Well, I'm sorry! Don't get mad at me. Grace didn't read it either. [GASPS] I mean, she did read it either.
JACK: [INTO INTERCOM] Elizabeth! Elizabeth! Damn it, both lines are busy!
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR TO LET NICK IN.]
GRACE: Hey, how was the meeting?
NICK: It was awful. He didn't even read my script! And then he pretended he did. Can you believe that?
NICK: I mean, what kind of person would do something like that?
GRACE: Jack. Let's go to dinner. Come on.
NICK: W-w-wait, Grace. I mean, you read my script, right? Who's your favorite character?
GRACE: My favorite character is you. [GRACE KISSES NICK] Mwah!
NICK: No, no, no, no. I really wanna know. Who was it?
NICK: Jack told me you didn't read the script, Grace.
GRACE: [SIGHS] I am so sorry. It was just that I-- I was scared that I might think it was bad. And that it would hurt our relationship, and I like you too much to risk that. So, actually, if you think about it, the reason I had for not reading it was actually romantic.
NICK: No, it's not. It's incredibly insulting.
[NICK EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
GRACE: [TO HERSELF] Wait, you can't leave. I don't know if I can get out of this skirt by myself.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
[LATER. GRACE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE. WILL IS GETTING A CUP OF COFFEE.]
GRACE: Why is Nick so mad at me? I don't deserve this. I'm a good person. I give and I give and I give. [SIGHS]
[WILL SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH A CUP OF COFFEE AND AN ECLAIR ON A SMALL PLATE.]
[GRACE PICKS UP THE ECLAIR.]
WILL: That's mine.
GRACE: Learn from me. Try giving a little!
[GRACE TAKES A BITE OF THE ECLAIR.]
JACK: Hello, Grace. I had my meeting with Nick. You're welcome.
[GRACE STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO JACK AND SLAPS HIM ON THE FOREHEAD.]
GRACE: What is wrong with you? You told him I didn't read the script?!
JACK: He told you?!
GRACE: I can't believe that you sold me out! Why didn't you just read it, fool?!
NICK: All right, here's the thing. I was worried that if I didn't like it, it would hurt my relationship with Nick.
GRACE: That's my reason! Great! Now he's mad at both of us! What are we gonna do?!
WILL: Wow, that's a toughie. Somebody's mad at you for not reading a script. If only there were a way to scan the letters on the page and somehow relay the information to your brain.
JACK: Uh, there is. It's called Braille. [SCOFFS]
[JACK EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: Grace, read the script.
GRACE: I know I should, but I'm just-- I'm so worried that I'm not gonna like it. It's so heavy. It's about euthanasia.
WILL: Oh, really? That's a fascinating issue. I've given it some thought, and I think I'd wanna be kept alive, even if it was on machines.
GRACE: Yeah, not gonna happen.
[GRACE GOES INTO THE KITCHEN TO GET ANOTHER ECLAIR.]
GRACE: These are so good. Where'd you get these?
WILL: Oh, Karen's pastry chef. I was supposed to give him the sack. Instead, that's where we ended up.
[GRACE PICKS UP THE ENTIRE PLATE OF ECLAIRS AND BRINGS IT TO THE TABLE.]
GRACE: I don't know that I approve, Will, unless he's hot.
WILL: Hot? Are you kidding me? He doesn't even have to put the cookies in the oven. He just walks by them and winks.
SCENE VII: Karen Walker's Penthouse, Karen's Bedroom Suite
[KAREN IS BUTTONING HER BLOUSE AND PUTS ON HER SHOES WHEN WILL ENTERS.]
WILL: Wow, so this is your bedroom, huh? Heh, if these walls could talk. I guess to you, they do. Um... Listen, Karen, there's something I have to tell you. I wasn't completely honest about why I couldn't fire Pastry Chef.
KAREN: Oh, honey, never mind. That's okay. You know, after you talked him up so much, I went down the kitchen, and you're right. He is very, very talented.
WILL: Oh, yeah? You think so?
[KAREN PUTS ON HER SUIT JACKET.]
KAREN: Oh, I absolutely do.
[WILL NOTICES THAT KAREN HAS SOME FLOUR DUST ON HER JACKET.]
WILL: What is that?
KAREN: What? Where?
[KAREN LOOKS AROUND AND BENDS OVER. THERE ARE TWO FLOUR HAND-PRINTS ON HER BUTT.]
WILL: [GASPS] Please tell me a schoolteacher helped you over a fence.
[A BELL DINGS. IT'S A TIMER ON THE FIREPLACE MANTEL.]
[EDWARD WALKS OUT OF KAREN'S BATHROOM, SHIRTLESS.]
EDWARD: Oh, my tart's ready. Karen, it was great sexing you just now. [TO WILL] And, Will, I look forward to sexing you this weekend. [WINKS] Bye.
[EDWARD EXITS THE BEDROOM.]
SCENE VIII: The Corner Cafe
[NICK IS SITTING DOWN AT A TABLE TYPING ON HIS NOTEBOOK COMPUTER. GRACE RUNS IN, EXCITED AND OUT-OF-BREATH.]
GRACE: Nick! I read your script.
[GRACE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. NICK CLOSES HIS COMPUTER.]
GRACE: I read your script, and guess what?!
NICK: You liked it?
GRACE: I hated it! But I still like you. Isn't that great?
NICK: No, no, not really. Great would you like the script and you like me.
GRACE: Oh, yeah, I couldn't make that work. But this is-- this is good. This is really good. I like you so much that I can separate you from what you do. This is growth.
NICK: That is good. So maybe, you know, maybe you'll like the next one.
GRACE: Ay, there's gonna be another one?
[JACK ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP.]
JACK: Hi, Nick. I don't have much time. I didn't fill out a form to be away from the office. I read your script, and I loved it! I gave it to my boss, and guess what? We're gonna do it! It's gonna be a movie of the week. An M.O.W., or on our network, an H.O.M.O.W. [LAUGHS]
NICK: That's incredible.
GRACE: I told you.
JACK: And you don't have to change a thing. Well, except Susan is now Steve, and the hospital is now a gym, and euthanasia is now youth-in-Speedos. Yeah.
SCENE IX: Karen Walker's Penthouse, The Kitchen
[WILL AND KAREN HAVE FOLLOWED EDWARD INTO THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: What the hell is going on here? How could you have sex with her? You're gay!
EDWARD: Ah, I don't believe in gay or straight. I refuse to limit pleasure. I like to think of myself as pansexual.
KAREN: Oh, my God, he's been humping my pans.
WILL: "Pansexual"? Isn't that just a rest stop on the highway to homo?
EDWARD: Open your mind. Sexuality is elastic. Look, we're all here. We're all human. We're all sex. Now, I've been with both of you, and it was fantastic.
KAREN: [TIMIDLY] Thank you.
WILL: [TIMIDLY] Oh, that's very nice.
EDWARD: So can you imagine how much better it would be if we were all...together?
WILL: Oh, no, no, no, no! No, no. If I had to have sex with a woman, it would be Hilary Swank. Or Tobey Maguire.
KAREN: Honey, I would love to have sex with two men. But one man and Will, no.
EDWARD: Will, I'm disappointed. I thought me and you had something together. You still want to go to Montauk, don't you?
WILL: [WEAKLY] Yes.
EDWARD: Then kiss her. But first, to set the mood, I'm gonna put on the most seductive, romantic song known to man. Styx, Grand Illusion.
[STYX: Welcome to the Grand Illusion/Come on in and see what's happening--]
ROSARIO: [TO EDWARD] Hey, Eddie. You're late. You said you'd sex me during "Tic-Tac-Dough."
EDWARD: Be right there, señorita.
[EDWARD FOLLOWS ROSARIO OUT OF THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: Uh, okay, now I am so firing his ass!
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR TO LET NICK IN.]
GRACE: I was just about to call you. In honor of your movie of the week, I'm gonna perform my move of the week. But first, you are gonna take me out to dinner.
NICK: Well, I've got something to tell you. I just came from a meeting at Out TV, and they want me to be there when they shoot the movie.
NICK: It's in Vancouver.
GRACE: Jack told me that it was in New Jersey.
NICK: Yeah, seems a lot of the guys over there didn't know where Vancouver was.
GRACE: Well, when do you have to leave?
NICK: Couple of days. And I'm gonna be gone for, like, three months.
NICK: I hate the idea of leaving you.
GRACE: No, you gotta do this. You got-- You've gotta go.
NICK: I'm gonna miss you, though.
GRACE: I am too. Which is really weird, 'cause we barely know each other.
NICK: Yeah, I know.
GRACE: Why am I so sad?
NICK: I am too. Even Jack feels bad. He gave me these forms to fill out so we can talk on the phone.
GRACE: So, uh, what are we gonna do? Do you wanna keep this--
NICK: Yeah. I'd like to. Right, now this is, I mean, this is just like the good-bye scene at the hospital between Susan and Mike. Or actually, now I guess it's the dance number at the leather bar between Julio and Evan.
[GRACE AND NICK CHUCKLE. THEY HUG AND KISS.]
[NICK EXITS THE APARTMENT. GRACE LEANS AGAINST THE DOOR AND SIGHS.]
[NICK PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN.]
NICK: Hey, wait a second. Aren't we supposed to be going to dinner?
GRACE: Oh, right, you don't leave for three days!
[GRACE AND NICK EXIT THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE XI: The Offices of OutTV, Jack's Office
[DAVE IS SITTING DOWN, TAKING A MEMO FOR JACK AS JACK PACES HIS OFFICE.]
JACK: "And in conclusion, I look forward to working with you. Yours truly, Jack McFarland." Elizabeth, read that back, please.
DAVE: Okay. [READING] "And in conclusion, I look forward to working with you. Yours truly, Jack McFarland."
JACK: Good. If I ever have to write a letter, that's how I want it to end.