Original Airdate 2/17/2005
Written by Steve Gabriel
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Ed Burns (Nick)
Luke Perry (Aaron)
Kate Albrecht (Waitress)
Michael Merton (Maitre D')
Roz Lerner (Woman in Restaurant)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[GRACE HAS A BASKET OF CLEANING SUPPLIES. SHE IS CLEANING AND DUSTING AROUND THE FIREPLACE. WILL ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM.]
GRACE: I thought you were taking a nap?
WILL: Well, I heard you cleaning. You know I can't sleep when other people are having fun. What's going on?
[WILL PICKS UP A TOWEL AND SPRAY AND BEGINS CLEANING THE TABLE.]
GRACE: Remember that guy from Valentine's Day, Nick? He's on his way over to pick up the phone that he left at my office.
WILL: Oh, not that cool camera phone with the games we've been using all week?
GRACE: I think you're gonna like him. He's really intelligent.
WILL: How do you know? You met him for, like, five minutes.
GRACE: His ring is classical music.
WILL: Okay, tell you what-- If I don't like him, I'll tap my ear and then my nose. If I do like him, I'll tap my foot, twice. No, that's ridiculous. I'll work the word "volcano" into a sentence.
[JACK ENTERS; HE IS IN A HURRY.]
JACK: Can't stay for lunch. I'm just gonna grab some money out of your wallet so I can grab a sandwich and a new sweater later.
WILL: What's the big rush?
JACK: Karen's got a Peeping Tom. So she wants me over there right away. I assume to adjust the lighting or-- smear Vaseline on the windows to make her look lovelier.
[THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Never had a Peeping Tom. All I've ever had is some guy in college yelling, "Pull down the blinds, boy!"
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S NICK.]
NICK: Look, I'm sorry I didn't bring you anything, but I just figured maybe it's best to keep the bar low.
GRACE: Oh, what a coincidence. I was gonna stuff my shirt, and then I realized I should probably keep the bra low. [LAUGHS] Like I stuff my bra. Anymore. This is my friend, Will.
WILL: Nice to meet you.
[WILL AND NICK SHAKE HANDS.]
WILL: Ooh, that's quite a handshake. It's like a volcano.
GRACE: Uh, this is Jack.
NICK: Hey, Jack.
JACK: [CONFUSED] Hi. [QUIETLY TO WILL] How does he know my name? Did I use to date him?
WILL: Yes, just for those few months between "never" and "you're-an-idiot".
JACK: Right, right. [TO NICK] Well, it's good to see you again, and, uh, I'm sorry things didn't work out between us.
[JACK SHAKES NICK'S HAND.]
JACK: [AWKWARDLY] So I guess this is good-bye. So you wanna-- It's-- Okay, I'll just--
[JACK GIVES NICK A KISS ON THE CHEEK.]
[JACK QUICKLY EXITS.]
[GRACE GIVES NICK HIS CELL PHONE.]
GRACE: Here's your phone. And I love the classical music ring.
NICK: Actually, that's the theme from "Jeopardy!".
GRACE: Which, I believe, is Beethoven.
NICK: I'm gonna get back to work.
NICK: We're still on for Saturday night?
[GRACE AND NICK KISS PASSIONATELY FOR A LONG TIME.]
NICK: Thank you.
[NICK EXITS AND GRACE SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]
WILL: That was some kiss. I emptied the dishwasher during it.
GRACE: Oh, my God. What is wrong with me? Why do I always do that?
WILL: What, act like a giant whore?
GRACE: We haven't even gone on a date, and already I'm kissing him like he just got back from Iraq. [SIGHS] Oh, I always do this. I move too fast. Sexually, emotionally-- everything.
WILL: Well, if you really like this guy, why don't you try slowing down? Get to know him. For once, don't think with your penis.
GRACE: You know what? You're right. And you're gonna help me. You're coming on my date.
WILL: No, I'm not.
GRACE: You're gonna show up at the restaurant. I'll ask you to join us. That way it'll stay casual, and I'll go home with you instead of him.
WILL: Uh, I also have a date on Saturday night.
GRACE: Okay, why do you lie?
WILL: I do have a date!
GRACE: Will, please. I really like Nick, and I don't wanna screw this up. If I have sex with him, it'll be on your head.
WILL: Fine, I'll go. God, that image was so disturbing I have to go wash my hair.
SCENE II: Karen Walker's Penthouse
[ROSARIO IS CLEANING AROUND THE ROOM. KAREN WALKS IN.]
KAREN: [SINGING TO HERSELF] La bee dah, bee ba dah...
[KAREN WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE. THERE IS AN EMPTY PLATE ON THE TABLE.]
KAREN: Where is my Mint Milano?
ROSARIO: I don't know, lady. Maybe you ate it.
KAREN: No! I would remember. You know that I allow myself one Mint Milano per day. And now, I cannot have another Mint Milano until tomorrow. And yes, I'm sure that my doctor would be very happy if I could go a day without a Mint Milano. But I say a person's got to enjoy life! I want my Mint Milano!
ROSARIO: What are those crumbs on your jacket?
[KAREN LOOKS DOWN AT HER JACKET.]
KAREN: [QUIETLY] Mint Milano. Maybe I did eat it. [GIGGLES]
ROSARIO: Whenever I get together with my friends and we talk about who works for the craziest bitch, I always win.
[ROSARIO EXITS AS JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: Karen, I am so sorry about your Peeping Tom.
JACK: The thought that someone would degrade you by viewing you simply as a piece of meat disgusts me.
[KAREN TURNS SLIGHTLY AND STICKS HER BUTT OUT. JACK SMACKS IT.]
JACK: You hear that? It disgusts me! Agh!
[JACK SMACKS KAREN'S BUTT AGAIN, THEN BENDS DOWN AND BITES IT.]
KAREN: [SIGHS] I know, Jackie. I'm at my wits' end.
[KAREN WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS DOWN.]
KAREN: Oh, look at him! He's still out there, that sick bastard! Is this what you want?
[KAREN OPENS UP HER BLOUSE.]
KAREN: Huh? Huh?! Is this what you like? [TO JACK] Oh, he's relentless! Jackie, help me out of this skirt.
[KAREN TRIES TO TAKE OFF HER CLOTHES.]
SCENE III: Central Park
[A MAN, AARON, IS STANDING IN THE PARK WITH A PAIR OF BINOCULARS, LOOKING THROUGH THEM UPWARDS.]
[KAREN AND JACK ENTER THE PARK AND SPOT THE MAN.]
KAREN: [QUIETLY] [GASPS] Jackie, there he is. Get him!
JACK: Hey, ya sick perv bastard! You get off looking at my friend in her apartment up there? Huh? It disgusts me!
[JACK SWATS KAREN'S BOTTOM.]
JACK: You hear that? It disgusts me!
[JACK SWATS KAREN'S BOTTOM.]
[AARON PULLS A PAIR OF BLACK-FRAME GLASSES OUT OF HIS POCKET AND PUTS THEM ON.]
AARON: I-I wasn't spying. I'm trying to get a look at that Golden-cheeked Warbler.
JACK: [TO KAREN] I don't know what he just said to me, but I think he wants to hear my butt sing.
[KAREN 'TSKS' AND SHAKES HER HEAD.]
AARON: Dendroica chrysoparia. Extremely rare to find this bird in the northeast.
JACK: So you have no interest whatsoever in the Boobicus Giganticus of my dear friend here?
AARON: I was just looking at the beautiful specimen right outside your window. The male... He's so beautiful. He has a black cap, golden cheeks, and a distinctive stripe through the eye.
KAREN: What does the female look like?
AARON: Who cares?
[AARON BEGINS LOOKING THROUGH THE BINOCULARS AGAIN.]
JACK: [GASPS] [QUIETLY] Oh, my God!
[JACK PULLS KAREN TO THE SIDE.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] Do you know what we have here? The rarest of all gay subspecies: The Hot Gay Nerd!
KAREN: [GASPS] Fascinating. I thought that the Hot Gay Nerd could be found only in the halls of academia or the bathrooms of the Pentagon. Honey, you should ask him out.
JACK: No, no, no. Can't just ask out a Hot Gay Nerd. The HGN is notoriously skittish. They must be approached slowly and from the rear.
[JACK AND KAREN MOVE OVER TO OBSERVE AARON FROM BEHIND.]
SCENE IV: A Restaurant
[THE MAITRE D' SITS WILL AT THE TABLE NEXT TO THE ROARING FIREPLACE.]
MAITRE D': Will a table by the fire be too warm for you?
WILL: Oh, no, no. This is great. So cold outside, I think I froze off my third nipple. [LAUGHS] I'm kidding. I don't have a third nipple. I just have-- I just have two nipples. I don't even usually say "nipple". Or testicle. Like, never.
MAITRE D': You'll be happy to see neither of those items are on the menu.
[THE MAITRE D' HANDS WILL A MENU AND WILL SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.]
[GRACE AND NICK ENTER THE RESTAURANT. GRACE HOBBLES IN ON ONE SHOE.]
GRACE: [TO NICK] I can't believe you laughed when I fell on the ice.
NICK: I did not laugh at you falling. I laughed at the 30 foot slide down the sidewalk that came after.
GRACE: Oh, so you think it's funny to see a grown woman sliding on her ass down Lexington Avenue with a cocktail dress over her head?
NICK: Not as funny as if it was a nun, but still pretty funny.
[NICK AND GRACE LAUGH.]
NICK: And, look, I'm sorry I could not find your other shoe.
GRACE: I just appreciate you prying this one out of the sewer grate.
[THE WAITRESS WALKS UP TO WILL'S TABLE.]
WILL: Hi. The fire's toasty. It is perfect for a winter day in New York.
WAITRESS: [ANNOYED] Yeah, are you ready to order? 'Cause I'm not really up for chit-chat. I just found out I'm pregnant, and I have a lot of phone calls to make.
WILL: A baby? Ooh. Wow, you're so young. It's-- That's a tough road ahead. Do you have baby back ribs?
[GRACE AND NICK HAVE BEEN SEATED, NOT FAR FROM WHERE WILL IS SITTING. THEY ARE LOOKING OVER THE MENUS.]
GRACE: Mmm, the appetizers look great. I think I'm gonna order three of 'em.
NICK: Oh yeah? Instead of an entree?
[NICK LOOKS AROUND. HE FOLDS UP HIS MENU AND PUTS IT INTO HIS JACKET POCKET.]
GRACE: What are you doing?
GRACE: You just stole that menu.
NICK: No, no, no, it's just that-- In case things work out with us, one day I could give it to you as a memento from our first date.
GRACE: Aww, that is so sweet.
WILL: Grace? Is that-- My God, it is you!
[WILL WALKS UP TO GRACE'S TABLE.]
WILL: What-- And hey!
GRACE: Hi, Will. Um, Nick, you remember Will.
NICK: Sure, sure, the guy I was jealous of before I knew you were gay.
NICK: How's it going?
WILL: Yeah, things are good. Things are good. Um... It's so weird, 'cause you know, I'm here by myself, right over there. Alone.
[WILL CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY AND LOOKS AT GRACE.]
GRACE: Oh, well, we won't keep ya.
SCENE V: Central Park
[AARON IS LOOKING UP AT HIS BIRD AND QUIETLY SPEAKING INTO A POCKET TAPE RECORDER.]
AARON: [QUIETLY] The Golden-cheeked Warbler puffs out his chest and prepares to bid farewell to the setting sun.
[JACK IS STANDING IN THE BUSHES WATCHING AARON, SPEAKING INTO A POCKET TAPE RECORDER.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] The Hot Gay Nerd... is unaware of his natural beauty. He hides what appears to be a narrow waist and broad shoulders under ill-fitting khaki. And a belt that clearly came with the pants.
KAREN: [WHISPERING] Jackie! You've been out here for so long. You must be freezing. Here, I brought ya some soup.
[KAREN POURS JACK A CUP OF SOUP FROM A THERMOS.]
JACK: [SNIFFS THE CUP] Karen, this is gin.
KAREN: There's noodles in it.
[JACK GIVES THE CUP BACK TO KAREN.]
JACK: Thanks, Kare, but keep it down, all right? The HGN startles very easily. Just admiring him from a distance.
KAREN: Quit stalling. You've been observing him long enough. Go ask him out.
JACK: Okay, okay. I just have to approach him delicately and pick up on any subtle cues he may give me.
[JACK SLOWLY AND QUIETLY APPROACHES AARON FROM BEHIND.]
AARON: Oh, joy! The male warbler is about to start his mating ritual.
[JACK IS STANDING BEHIND AARON.]
AARON: This sublime creature entices his potential mate first by puffing out his chest.
[JACK PUSHES OUT HIS CHEST.]
JACK: Then he ruffles his feathers. It's his way of flirting.
[JACK RUFFLES HIS HAIR.]
AARON: Yes, and then, finally, he produces a high-pitched warble the beauty of which is unparalleled.
[JACK MAKES A HIGH-PITCHED WARBLING SOUND.]
[AARON TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT JACK.]
[JACK WARBLES, THEN WARBLES AGAIN WHILE RUFFLING HIS HAIR.]
AARON: What are you doing?
JACK: Warbling. You like? Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't properly introduced myself. I'm Jack.
JACK: Yes. So you're a bird watcher. I bet you've seen a cockatoo. Heh-heh... So would you like to have dinner with me sometime?
AARON: [NERVOUSLY] Oh--oh, uh...
JACK: Like maybe this Friday? [WARBLES]
AARON: [NERVOUSLY] Friday? [TAKES A DEEP BREATH WITH AN INHALER] That's just right after Thursday. I-I--gotta sorta-- Oh, Jiminy Cricket!
[AARON RUNS AWAY NERVOUSLY. JACK FOLLOWS HIM, WARBLING.]
[AARON RUNS AWAY. JACK TURNS AROUND TO KAREN.]
JACK: Karen, he flitted away!
KAREN: Well, Jackie, he's gay. It's not like you people ever walk away.
SCENE VI: A Restaurant
[WILL IS SITTING NEXT TO THE ROARING FIRE. HE IS VERY HOT. THERE ARE TWO LARGE BOTTLES OF WATER ON HIS TABLE.]
WILL: [TO A WAITER] Excuse me, can you bring me another mineral water? I think this one evaporated.
[WILL STANDS UP TO TAKE HIS SUIT JACKET OFF.]
WAITRESS: Oh, I'm sorry, Sir. Jackets are required in the dining room.
WILL: Yeah. Do you have an asbestos one I could borrow? 'Cause I'm about to catch on fire. Don't worry about it. This is an Yves Saint Laurent cashmere turtleneck, so I think my attire will be appropriate.
[WILL TAKES HIS JACKET OFF. HIS GREY TURTLENECK IS SOAKED WITH SWEAT UNDER HIS ARMS DOWN TO HIS WAIST.]
GRACE: You have six brothers and three sisters?
NICK: Well, you know, I am Irish Catholic. And my parents never had a TV in the bedroom, so...
GRACE: Oh! Your poor mother. I cannot imagine that. No TV in the bedroom?
[WILL WALKS UP TO THE TABLE.]
WILL: Hi, me again. Can I borrow her for a second?
NICK: Yeah, sure. [RE: WILL'S SWEAT STAINS] Uh, do they have a treadmill over there?
[WILL PULLS GRACE OVER TO HIS TABLE.]
GRACE: What do you want? You're interrupting my date.
WILL: Yeah. That was the plan! Grace, I cancelled a date for this.
GRACE: Why do you have to lie?
WILL: I'm leaving.
GRACE: No, no, you can't. I still need you.
WILL: Okay, then let me join you.
GRACE: No. I don't need you now. It's going well. But it's not going so well that I'm in danger of throwing myself at him. But it's going well enough that I still want to be alone with him. When I'm just at the point where it might be going too well, when I really want to throw myself at him, which is exactly when I don't want to throw myself at him, that's when I'm gonna need you.
WILL: I hate that I completely understood what you just said.
GRACE: Can't you just wait a few more minutes? You have the best table in the restaurant.
WILL: Yes, if you enjoy dining on the sun. Look at me, Grace! My back is sweating so much, my underwear is like a bucket!
GRACE: Please, Will. I think I might really like him.
WILL: [SIGHS] Okay.
[GRACE GOES TO HUG WILL, BUT THEN STOPS WHEN SHE LOOKS AT HIS SHIRT.]
GRACE: Here's a dry spot.
[GRACE LEANS IN ON WILL'S STOMACH.]
GRACE: Thank you.
WILL: I'm timing you. Five minutes. [WILL LOOKS AT HIS WRIST] Oh, great, my watch slipped off!
SCENE VII: Karen Walker's Penthouse
[KAREN IS SITTING AT A TABLE LOOKING AT A CATALOG WHEN ROSARIO ENTERS.]
ROSARIO: Lady, there are cookie crumbs all over in here. What did I tell you? One a day.
KAREN: I didn't, Rosie, I swear. I used 'em to catch a bird.
ROSARIO: Well, don't expect me to cook it. I'm on my break.
KAREN: Uh, okay. I don't know what you people do in Costa-Guata-Mexi-Rico... But here in America, we don't eat birds.
ROSARIO: Yeah, but you drink a lot of Wild Turkey.
JACK: Karen, I got your message. Your curd's from an uptight cow?
KAREN: Honey, your nerd's on his way up right now.
JACK: Oh, my God. How did you get him to come up here?
[KAREN PULLS A SHEET OFF A BIRD CAGE. AARON'S YELLOW BIRD IS IN THE CAGE, SINGING.]
JACK: Oh, my God! You caught the bird!
KAREN: Honey, it was easy. I just gave him some Mint Milanos--
[THE BIRD SUDDENLY FALLS TO THE BOTTOM OF THE CAGE WITH A THUD.]
KAREN: And some brandy to wash 'em down.
SCENE VIII: The Restaurant
[NICK AND GRACE ARE CHATTING.]
NICK: So what do you think is wrong with your friend over there?
[NICK AND GRACE LOOK OVER AT WILL. HE IS IN HIS T-SHIRT, WHICH IS SOAKING WET. HE IS FINISHING UP A FOURTH BOTTLE OF WATER.]
GRACE: You know what? I think I'm gonna ask him to join us.
NICK: You know, before you do, I just wanna do this.
[NICK PUSHES THE HAIR OUT OF GRACE'S FACE.]
NICK: And this.
[NICK KISSES GRACE.]
[WILL TAKES THE TABLE CLOTH AND TRIES TO DRY HIS ARMPITS. A WOMAN IS STARING AT HIM.]
WILL: [TO THE WOMAN] What?
WOMAN: And I thought my hot flashes were bad.
MAITRE D': Excuse me, Sir. Is everything okay here?
WILL: Actually, no. Would it be possible to move to another table and away from this one, which is apparently the portal to Satan's lair?
MAITRE D': Sir, you're either going to have to put your clothes back on, or leave.
WILL: Okay, fine. I'll get dressed. I'm just about to join my friends over there any--
[WILL LOOKS OVER AT GRACE AND NICK'S TABLE. THEY ARE GONE.]
[WILL PICKS UP HIS SHIRT AND JACKET. AS HE WALKS PAST THE TABLE NEXT TO HIS, THE WAITER FLAMBES THEIR ENTREE, FLAMES LEAPING UP.]
WILL: Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
SCENE IX: Karen Walker's Penthouse
JACK: Karen! I can't believe you killed it. How could you give a bird alcohol?
KAREN: Well, it was a lot harder than you think. At first, I tried to pin it down with an ashtray and pry open its beak with a pair of ice tongs, but... ultimately, I just dunked it head-first into my glass.
JACK: [SIGHS] All right, well... Clearly nobody's at fault here.
ROSARIO: There is a Hot Gay Nerd here to see you. I've never seen one up close before. They're quite spectacular.
JACK: Oh, my God, it's him! What do we do?
KAREN: I have an idea! Vamp!
KAREN: No, vamp. Stall him for a little while. I'll be right back.
[KAREN PICKS UP THE CAGE AND RUNS INTO THE OTHER ROOM.]
AARON: Jack! Karen told me that you found the warbler. I am so excited! Which, for me, is dangerous, 'cause I was born with my heart on the outside of my chest. But you know what? You have made me the happiest man alive who was never supposed to live past 17.
JACK: Aaron, I'm supposed to vamp, but-- One, I don't feel comfortable lying to you, and two, I don't have my lipstick or my boa.
AARON: You have bad news?
JACK: Oh, no, it's not what you think.
AARON: Is it that my bird is dead?
JACK: Oh, it's exactly what you thought.
AARON: Oh! God! Why? This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me since I saw Big Bird smoking a cigarette with his head off.
[AARON TAKES A DEEP BREATH WITH HIS INHALER.]
[KAREN ENTERS WITH THE BIRD CAGE, COVERED WITH A SHEET.]
KAREN: Honey, great news. Your bird isn't dead. He's alive. And more beautiful than ever.
AARON: Oh, my God. Let me see.
KAREN: You won't be disappointed. Ta-da!
[KAREN PULLS THE SHEET AWAY. THE CAGE IS STUFFED WITH MONEY.]
AARON: What is this?
KAREN: It's your bird. Don't you recognize it? It's got 78,000 feathers. And $100 in iTunes.
JACK: Karen! Shame on you! The Hot Gay Nerd cannot be bought. He is a man of science.
ROSARIO: Good news. I gave the little fella a couple of sips of coffee, a few slaps across the face, and he came to. He's alive in the kitchen!
AARON: Back off, that's not my bird. This is my bird.
JACK: You are not the rare Hot Gay Nerd. Why you are the very common Hot Gay Opportunist.
AARON: Are you saying you don't want to go out with me?
JACK: Well, you've just shown some very unattractive qualities. But fortunately, you still retain the one that I hold nearest to my heart. Hot. Come on. Let's go spend that bird.
[JACK PATS AARON ON THE BACK. AARON PICKS UP THE CAGE AND THE TWO EXIT.]
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS HOME ALONE. WILL ENTERS THE APARTMENT, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]
WILL: How could you leave me like that?
GRACE: Will, listen--
WILL: No. You listen. I was doing you a favor. And how was I rewarded? By being ditched, then burning off my eyelashes. On the roaring fire next to my table? Ironically, no. On the small votive candle in the men's room while I was wringing out my pants in the sink!
GRACE: Look, Will, I know that you're mad, but you really, really did help me tonight.
WILL: Oh, please! Don't even try that with m-- How?
GRACE: You made me realize that I shouldn't need someone else to help me control myself. After dinner, he dropped me off, asked me for another date, we had a kiss of appropriate length, and I came home.
WILL: You didn't sleep with him?
GRACE: I did not.
WILL: Or let him feel you up in the cab?
GRACE: Only because he said I was pretty. I'm only kidding. Nothing happened.
WILL: Well. I'm proud of you.
GRACE: And it's all because of you.
[GRACE GIVES WILL A PECK ON THE LIPS.]
GRACE: I'm going to bed.
WILL: Me too.
GRACE: Good night.
WILL: Good night. Oh, just one more thing.
[WILL OPENS THE BALCONY DOORS.]
NICK: Hey. It's tough to get a cab out there.
WILL: [NODS] Hm. Say good night to Nick, Grace.
GRACE: Good night. Call me.
NICK: I had a really good time.
WILL: She did too. Don't worry, she'll put out next time.
[WILL PATS NICK ON THE BACK AND ESCORTS HIM OUT THE DOOR.]