Original Airdate 2/10/2005
Written by Gail Lerner
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Jeff Goldblum (Scott Woolley)
Ed Burns (Nick)
Michele Lee (Lucille)
Chita Rivera (Lenore)
Leslie Jordan (Beverley Leslie)
Andrea Lynn Silvers (Woman)
Dustin Harris (Man)
Bob Rusch (Drunk Man)
SCENE I: Grace Adler Designs
[THE OFFICE IS CROWDED WITH FLOWERS AND CANDY BOXES. GRACE IS AT HER DESK WORKING. KAREN, WILL, AND JACK ENTER THE OFFICE.]
JACK: Wow, look at this place!
WILL: Someone either has an admirer or they just won the Kentucky Derby. And Grace's legs are spattered with mud.
JACK: Who's all this from? And why are they sending you men's clothes?
[JACK HAS DRAPED A FUR COAT AROUND HIS SHOULDERS.]
WILL: Wait, these aren't all from Scott Woolley?
KAREN: Yeah, my former nemesis is in love with me. [SCOFFS] It just keeps happening. [SIGHS] First Anita Bryant, now this guy. Well, I said the same thing to him I said to Anita: "Squeeze your own oranges!" Besides... I met someone.
GRACE: You did?
JACK: Tell us.
KAREN: Yes, we met online. We've been exchanging messages for a few weeks, and he's funny and charming and... He says he's fat. [GIGGLES EXCITEDLY] Really fat!
JACK: I don't know, Karen. You gotta be careful. You can't trust people you meet on the Internet. I went on a date with this guy I met online, and he seemed really nice. But at the end of the evening, I stole $200 from his wallet.
GRACE: You know, and people lie all the time, so don't get your hopes up. He's probably not as fat as he says he is.
KAREN: Well...I guess we'll find out soon enough. I invited him out to Shelter Island to our country club's annual Valentine's Day dance. I'll know him because he's going to be wearing a green string around his wrist.
WILL: Yeah, 'cause you wouldn't want to walk up to the wrong 500 pound man.
SCENE II: The Shelter Island Country Club
[KAREN, WILL, AND JACK HAVE ARRIVED AT THE ANNUAL VALENTINE'S DAY CELEBRATION.]
KAREN: Ohh... I wonder if my date's here yet.
[KAREN LOOKS AROUND FOR HER DATE.]
KAREN: [GASPS] Oh, my God. Check out the chunk of a hunk in the black suit with the big, white smile. Oh, I hope that's him.
WILL: Karen... that's a piano.
JACK: [ANNOYED] Where the hell are all the queers you promised us, Karen?! God, even the waiters are straight. It's unnatural.
KAREN: Oh, honey. Black, white, gay, straight-- What's the difference? We all finish ourselves off in the end anyway.
WILL: That's lovely. I'd almost forgotten it was Valentine's Day. Jack, be patient. It could still happen. The next guy you see could turn out to be Mr. Right.
[KAREN'S FRIEND/ARCH-RIVAL, BEVERLEY LESLIE, SAUNTERS UP.]
BEVERLEY: Well, well, well...
WILL: Or maybe not.
KAREN: Why, Beverley Leslie.
BEVERLEY: Karen Walker. Just breaks my heart that you don't have a partner for the spotlight dance. How ever will you lead it without a partner? Such a pity a bottle of rum can't waltz.
KAREN: Actually, I do have a date. Yes, I was just on my way to meet him by the punch bowl. Or, as you would call it, the swimmin' hole.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE WALKS AWAY.]
WILL: You know, Jack, I think you're right. No one's gay. And everyone's so old. There isn't a neck here you couldn't jump rope with.
KAREN: Oh, my G-dash-D. You'll never guess who's here!
JACK: [GASPS] Greg Evigan from TV's "BJ and the Bear," and then, after a brief hiatus, "My Two Dads"?
WILL: You know, I never realized just how gay both those titles are. It's a wonder he didn't go on to star in "Hey, Faggot!"
KAREN: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Pay attention! It's that long-limbed lothario Scott Woolley. Look at him over there, fingering my date.
[KAREN POINTS TO SCOTT WOOLLEY, WHO IS TAPPING AT THE PIANO KEYS.]
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
[GRACE IS TRYING TO WORK, BUT THERE IS LOUD MUSIC COMING FROM ANOTHER FLOOR OF THE BUILDING.]
[A MAN AND A WOMAN ENTER THE OFFICE, LOOKING FOR THE PARTY.]
MAN: Happy Valentine's Day!
WOMAN: Oh, Brad, you said there was a party. It's just a lonely old woman sitting at her desk. [PITIFUL] Aw...
GRACE: Hey, hey, hey! I don't normally sit here. My desk is there. And the party's upstairs.
[SUDDENLY, ANOTHER MAN BURSTS IN: A HANDSOME GUY NAMED NICK.]
NICK: Where is everybody?
[GRACE IS BUSY WORKING AT HER DESK, BUT ANSWERS NICK WITHOUT LOOKING UP.]
GRACE: Wrong floor. The stupid party celebrating the meaningless day is upstairs.
NICK: I take it you're not a big fan of Valentine's Day.
GRACE: I think it is a ridiculous, trumped-up-- [LOOKS UP AT NICK] exceedingly handsome, chiseled... holiday.
NICK: Yeah, I agree. It is the most chiseled of all the major holidays.
GRACE: Uh, one flight up. Have a good time.
NICK: You know, for someone who hates Valentine's Day, it seems like you have an awful lot of admirers. Either that, or you're about to die. Oh, wait... That's only funny if you're not about to die. Are you about to die?
GRACE: Uh, I don't think so. Unless you're here to kill me. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
GRACE: Wow. We're in an awkward place.
NICK: Yeah. I'm Nick.
GRACE: I'm Grace.
[NICK AND GRACE SHAKE HANDS.]
SCENE IV: The Shelter Island Country Club
[KAREN IS TELLING SCOTT WOOLLEY TO LEAVE.]
KAREN: Now, you listen to me, Woolley! You and me ain't never gonna happen-- Never! Ya hear me?! Get the hell out of here before my date arrives!
SCOTT: Oh, oh, you got a date.
KAREN: Yes, I do. A big one.
KAREN: Enormous, actually.
SCOTT: Uh, 400 pounds, but moves like 380?
KAREN: That's right.
SCOTT: Loves midnight snacks on the beach, horseback eating, and, uh...
[KAREN CLOSES HER EYES AND SIGHS.]
SCOTT: Will be wearing a green string around his wrist?
[SCOTT PULLS UP HIS SLEEVE TO REVEAL A GREEN STRING.]
KAREN: You're ElevatorHazard at whalewatcher.com?
[SCOTT NODS AND KAREN SIGHS.]
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
[NICK IS STILL HANGING AROUND THE OFFICE.]
NICK: I hate to point out the obvious--
GRACE: I know-- Why is a pretty girl all by herself on Valentine's Day?
NICK: Yeah. No, actually, I was gonna say you can't possibly eat all those chocolates by yourself.
GRACE: Oh! Want one?
[GRACE HOLDS OUT A BOX OF CHOCOLATES. AS NICK REACHES FOR ONE, GRACE STOPS HIM.]
GRACE: Not that one. Or that one. No, no, no.
NICK: You know, you just said no to an empty wrapper.
GRACE: Well, there's a little coconut on it. [SIGHS] All right, take it.
[GRACE GIVES NICK THE PAPER WRAPPER.]
NICK: Oh...thanks. You're obviously not in a festive mood.
GRACE: It's just this whole day, it's like an evil conspiracy. Created by the greeting card people and the flower people and the candy people. Well, not the candy people. They do...God's work.
NICK: You know, I, uh, I don't think the card people are that bad, either.
GRACE: Oh, they're the worst. Reducing love... [PICKS UP A CARD] To a cartoon dog holding a bow and arrow, saying, "I love you."
NICK: Well, you see, this is just a bad card. I mean, first of all, he should be saying, "I ruff you." Right? And why is he holding a bow and arrow if you're not gonna do something with it. Like, um, uh... "You are the target of my love," or, "Your love makes me quiver." Maybe not that one. Sounds sexual. A little weird coming from a dog.
GRACE: How about one with a dog on one side and a lying creep on the other, and inside it says, "Your husband's got a bitch on the side."
NICK: You know, I can bring that up at the morning meeting, but they tend to frown on calling dogs bitches and vice versa.
GRACE: [LAUGHS] Wait, you're serious? You write greeting cards?
NICK: Eh, I prefer to think of them as extremely short stories.
GRACE: Okay, I'm gonna try and be careful here about what I say next, 'cause I don't want to offend you. But your job is lame.
NICK: Hmm, and, uh, I'm guessing by the rows of fabric and the tassels, you work for UNICEF?
GRACE: At least I don't perpetuate the myth that if you're not in love in the middle of February that there's something wrong with you.
NICK: Hmm, and the real myth must be that February 14 is the only day you're unpleasant and bitter.
GRACE: Whoa. You know what? Uh, this is over. So why don't you just go up to your party--
[GRACE TAKES NICK BY THE ARM AND ESCORTS HIM TO THE DOOR. SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND IT SLAMS INTO HIS FACE.]
GRACE: Ohh! My-- I'm so sorry! Here...
[GRACE RUNS BACK TO HER DESK THEN RUNS BACK TO NICK.]
GRACE: Have a chocolate. Not this one. You're not bleeding.
[GRACE PUTS THE CHOCOLATE BACK.]
SCENE VI: The Shelter Island Country Club
[KAREN IS SITTING AT THE BAR WAITING FOR A DRINK.]
KAREN: Where's the bartender?!
BEVERLEY: Why, Karen... It's been an hour, and there's still no sign of your date.
KAREN: What are you implying, Beverley Leslie? That I lied, that I'm just vamping until I think of my next move? Just trying to fill time by saying meaningless words-- knickknack, lamp shade, hullabaloo, soft shell crab.
[ACROSS THE ROOM, TWO OLDER, LATINA WOMEN WALK UP TO WILL AND JACK.]
LUCILEE: [TO WILL] Excuse me. My sister wanted me to ask you if you'd be interested in dancing with her--
LENORE: Lucille, I did not. She wants to dance with you.
LUCILLE: I did not! I wanted the cute one! [POINTS TO JACK]
LENORE: No, no, he is the catch. [RE: WILL] He looks just like that young actor from all those magazines. What's his name? Sal Mineo.
[LUCILLE AND LENORE NOD.]
WILL: Thank you. God, I haven't heard that in over 50 years.
JACK: Well, how can you girls remember Sal Mineo? Why, neither of you look a day over 40.
[LENORE AND LUCILLE GIGGLE.]
JACK: [QUIETLY TO WILL] Eh, made 'em happy. Didn't cost anything.
WILL: You know what? We would love to dance.
LENORE: Oh, why not? We haven't done this in ages.
LUCILLE: I just hope we don't hold you back.
WILL: Oh, nonsense, we'll-- we'll take it slow.
[WILL AND LENORE COUPLE OFF, AS DO JACK AND LUCILLE.]
LENORE: Five, six, seven, eight!
[SALSA MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING AND THE WOMEN DANCE. THEY PERFORM A SYNCHRONIZED DANCE ROUTINE; WILL AND JACK ARE BARELY ABLE TO KEEP UP.]
[BACK AT THE BAR...]
KAREN: ...Flim-flam, Ed Bradley, nipple clamp, doo-dah parade.
BEVERLEY: Well, I hope your beau shows, because if that spotlight finds you all alone, my business associate Benji and I will be forced to laugh.
[BEVERLEY SMILES AND WAVES HIS FINGERS AT BENJI -- A TALL, SLENDER, YOUNG, HANDSOME BLACK MAN ACROSS THE ROOM -- AND HE SMILES AND WAVES BACK.]
BEVERLEY: Roll back and forth on the floor and laugh, and just clutch each other, and roll and laugh... [SELF-CONSCIOUS] And talk about business...
KAREN: Listen, Seed of Chucky, why don't you just leave me alone?!
BEVERLEY: Why don't you make me?
SCOTT: I'll make you.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS UP AT SCOTT WOOLLEY. SCOTT PICKS HIM UP THE BY THE JACKET AND PLOPS HIM ON TOP OF THE BAR.]
SCOTT: If you bother the woman that I love one more time, I'm gonna rip out your tiny arms and give 'em to her on a charm bracelet.
KAREN: Honey, no one's ever offered to dismember a dwarf and make jewelry out of him for me before. Beverley... meet Scott Woolley. My date.
SCOTT: Your date?
[SCOTT LETS GO OF BEVERLEY'S JACKET AND HE FALLS DOWN TO THE GROUND.]
BEVERLEY: [SQUEALS] Oh!
[BEVERLEY RUNS ACROSS THE ROOM TO BENJI.]
BEVERLEY: Benji! Benji! He was so big!
[BENJI AND BEVERLEY HOLD EACH OTHER AND BENJI PATS BEVERLEY ON THE BACK TO COMFORT HIM.]
SCOTT: Really, Karen? I'm your date?
KAREN: Oh, yeah, sure. Why not?
SCOTT: Karen, you've made me the happiest man on the face of the earth.
KAREN: Oh, honey... That's exactly what Anita Bryant said.
SCENE VII: Grace Adler Designs
[NICK IS LEANING BACK IN A CHAIR. GRACE IS HOLDING A BAG OF ICE ON HIS FACE.]
NICK: Ow. Ow. That eye stings. And it tastes a lot like gin.
GRACE: I got it from my assistant's freezer.
NICK: Huh. Is your assistant Courtney Love?
GRACE: Not as together. I am really, really sorry.
NICK: That's all right. You didn't mean it, did you? I mean, you're not homicidal, are you? Because it looks like you've been doing some psychotic gardening.
[NICK POINTS TO A VASE OF ROSES. THE ROSE FLOWERS HAVE BEEN CUT OFF, LEAVING ONLY THE STEMS.]
GRACE: Oh, uh, this isn't psychotic. This is.
[GRACE PICKS UP A TEDDY BEAR; ITS HEAD IS MISSING.]
NICK: Tough year, huh?
NICK: Well, I can sympathize. I recently lost my wife.
GRACE: Oh, my God. That's just-- I'm so sorry.
NICK: Yeah, the divorce was just finalized last week.
GRACE: Divorce? I thought she died!
[GRACE HITS NICK WITH THE TEDDY BEAR BODY.]
NICK: Hey, take it easy. There's a music box in that thing. Look, I just-- You know what? I, um, I don't like to say "divorce" because it sounds like I did something wrong. Whereas if she died, at worst, I'm guilty of negligence.
GRACE: [CHUCKLES] Ooh, dark. I like that.
NICK: Look, I don't know if it's the ice cubes talking, but would it be crazy if... we kissed right now?
GRACE: On Valentine's Day? Can we do that? Isn't that a little cliché?
[NICK LEANS IN TO KISS GRACE, BUT THEY ARE INTERRUPTED WHEN THE DOOR OPENS.]
DRUNK GUY: Where's the party?!
NICK AND GRACE: Upstairs.
[THE DRUNK GUY EXITS, CLOSING THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Maybe that was a sign.
NICK: That we shouldn't kiss or that you need to get a lock on that door?
GRACE: [LAUGHS] Both. Uh... I should probably get back to, um, you know, UNICEF.
NICK: Ah. Well, I guess this makes us star-crossed lovers.
GRACE: Oh... [LAUGHS] Yeah, it's really tragic.
NICK: Well, technically it can't be tragic if we haven't kissed.
GRACE: That's true.
[NICK KISSES GRACE.]
NICK: Do, um, do star-crossed lovers ever get to see one another again?
GRACE: Hard to say. 'Cause, you know, usually one or both of them dies.
NICK: Well, then, let's make sure we eat well and look both ways before crossing, because I'd like to see you again.
GRACE: Me, too. Let me help you with the-- [GRACE REACHES FOR THE DOOR]
NICK: I'll take care of it. Thanks.
GRACE: [SMILING] Okay.
SCENE VIII: The Shelter Island Country Club
[WILL AND JACK ARE RESTING AFTER THEIR DANCE WHEN BEVERLEY LESLIE WALKS UP TO THEM.]
BEVERLEY: Well, well, well. I see you boys have met the Portillo sisters. They're my favorite members of this club... [QUIETER] who aren't completely Caucasian.
JACK: Well, they're terrific dancers. The only way I could keep up with them is by pretending both of them were drag queens.
BEVERLEY: Heaven forbid! As social chair of this club, and board member of the Shelter Island Republican Party, I can assure you two men will never dance together on this floor.
WILL: Did I hear you correctly? Could you say that again and tilt your head up.
BEVERLEY: Surely you're aware of the winds of change that are blowing through our fair nation.
JACK: I'm sorry, I'm a wee bit confused. Um... how can I put this delicately? You're a raging 'mo yourself, no?
[BEVERLEY PUTS HIS HAND ON HIS HIP, OFFENDED.]
BEVERLEY: I don't know what you're insinuating, but my precious wife Crystal would be here tonight... But I tragically lost grip on her wheelchair while maneuvering her down the 10,000 steps of Chichén-Itzá!
[BEVERLEY GASPS AND RUNS OFF, SOBBING.]
[ACROSS THE ROOM, SCOTT WOOLLEY AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE TOGETHER.]
SCOTT: I absolutely adore you. You are the brightest angel in all of heaven. Also, I'd like so much, so much, to get into your pants. I would.
KAREN: Honey, now, don't make me cry.
[LUCILE AND LENORE RETURN TO WILL AND JACK WITH A COUPLE OF DRINKS.]
LENORE: Okay, boys... Two Lemon Drops.
LUCILLE: Ah, don't worry about us. We don't drink. We switched exclusively to pills six years ago.
WILL: Look, we have to go. We, um, just found out your club has a policy against gay couples.
LUCILLE: Oh, we know.
LENORE: You see, dears, um... We tell people we're sisters. But we're really... sisters.
JACK: Portia de Rossi Degeneres, you're lesbians?!
[LENORE AND LUCILLE NOD.]
WILL: But that's impossible. Your makeup is flawless.
LENORE: We've been hoping this place would change for 40 years--
LENORE: But we see now that it's never gonna happen.
LUCILLE: Yeah, and what's the point in taking a stand?
[LUCILLE AND LENORE WALK AWAY.]
WILL: [SHAKES HIS HEAD] Tragic.
JACK: I know. Sisters and lesbians.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE TAKES THE STAGE AND PICKS UP THE MICROPHONE.]
BEVERLEY: All right, everyone, it's time for the traditional spotlight dance.
KAREN: [TO SCOTT] Okay, honey, we're up! Come on!
SCOTT: Okay. Karen, sweetie, just one quick word. Thank you. This is the first time I've ever felt truly happy.
SCOTT: Yeah, because to me, this isn't just a dance. It's the beginning of our life together.
KAREN: [TO SCOTT] I'm sorry. Honey, I can't. I-I thought you were just a kook, but it turns out you're a sweet kook. Honey, I can't do this to you. To me, this is just a dance.
SCOTT: So there's-- There's nothing between us?
KAREN: Nothing. And I'm sorry, because... I like you.
SCOTT: Well, liking sometimes blossoms into loving. Loving somebody.
KAREN: Not this time.
SCOTT: What if we--
KAREN: Never gonna happen.
SCOTT: [SIGHS] Thank you. At least I--at least I got to feel something.
KAREN: You're welcome.
[KAREN ADJUSTS HER BLOUSE.]
SCOTT: Thank you.
[SCOTT BLOWS KAREN A KISS AND WALKS OUT.]
BEVERLEY: What's this? Karen Walker without a date? I beg of you to not gawk at her like a hideous circus freak.
KAREN: How dare you? I have choked on olives bigger than you! All right, so I'm alone! Again. Go ahead, stare!
[THE PIANO BEGINS PLAYING.]
WILL: Or you could stare at this.
[WILL AND JACK TAKE THE DANCE FLOOR AND BEGIN SLOW-DANCING TOGETHER.]
LUCILLE: [TO LENORE] Shall we?
LENORE: I've been waiting for 40 y--
[LUCILLE AND LENORE STAND UP AND BEGIN DANCING TOGETHER.]
BEVERLEY: Oh, Benji, I can't stand the sight of all this... homosexual dancing!
[BEVERLEY BACKS UP AGAINST BENJI.]
BEVERLEY: Let's just close our eyes and...sway.
[BEVERLEY AND BENJI CLOSE THEIR EYES AND SWAY TO THE MUSIC.]
[LATER.... KAREN AND JACK ARE ENJOYING A DANCE AS WILL WATCHES. GRACE WALKS UP TO WILL.]
WILL: Hey, you finally got here.
GRACE: Did I miss anything?
WILL: Eh, nothing.
GRACE: Wanna dance?
WILL: I would love to?
[WILL AND GRACE BEGIN DANCING.]
WILL: We are good at this.
GRACE: We're like the best dancers here.
[LENORE AND LUCILLE TWIRL PAST WILL AND GRACE....]