Original Airdate 2/3/2005
Written by Greg Malins
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Jeff Goldblum (Scott Woolley)
Patti LuPone (Herself)
Todd Sherry (Fillip)
Trev Broudy (Waiter)
Matthew J. Williamson (Gene)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS TALKING TO HIS MOTHER ON THE TELEPHONE.]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Yes, mom, the "Italian" and I broke up. No, not because he stole from me! Why would you say something like that? [PAUSE] Oh. Well, that wasn't because Miguel was Puerto Rican. That was because he was addicted to drugs. I-I gotta go. I got another call. [ANNOYED] I do too! [SCOFFS]
[WILL PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE AND TOSSES IT ONTO THE TABLE.]
[JACK ENTERS, GRINNING.]
JACK: Guess what this is.
[JACK HOLDS UP A LOCK OF LONG, RED HAIR.]
WILL: Grace used your shower again?
JACK: [SMILING] One of Bernadette Peters' curls. She was standing in front of me at Duane Reade. Luckily, I was buying a pair of toenail clippers. Now I have hair from Bernadette Peters, Betty Buckley, and Idina Menzel. All I need is Patti LuPone and my Broadway diva wig will be complete!
WILL: Yeah, I don't know why the red states are so afraid of gays.
JACK: What's wrong with you? Your spirits are sagging lower than your breasteses.
WILL: Just tired of moping around this apartment thinking about my break-up with Vince.
JACK: Well, I know exactly what you need. I'm gonna take you out.
WILL: No, Jack. I don't think I'm up for it.
JACK: Come on. What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play. Life is a Jack-aret, Old Chum. Come see how Jack is gay.
WILL: Really? You and me? Guy's night out?
JACK: Yeah, someone to be there for you. Let me do it.
WILL: Okay, sure. Maybe it'd cheer me up. You know, I mean, first me and Vince, then Brad and Jen. America's in mourning.
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
[GRACE IS WORKING AT HER DESK, WHEN KAREN ENTERS.]
KAREN: Honey, sorry, I'm late. Wait a minute. No, I'm not. Why do I say things I don't mean? It demeans us both. [SIGHS] Honey, you look so pretty in that dre-- Okay, there I go again. [LAUGHS] I can't stop.
GRACE: Karen... No more coming in late. This restaurant could be huge for us. We both need to be at the top of our game. Now I want you to open up that pill box, and throw out anything yellow, green or orange.
KAREN: No orange? Honey, that's my hormone pill. There's no telling what could grow back.
[KAREN LOOKS CONCERNED AND TOUCHES HER ADAM'S APPLE AND HER CROTCH.]
[A CELL PHONE RINGS.]
GRACE: It's our new client.
[GRACE CLEARS HER THROAT AND ANSWERS THE CELL PHONE.]
GRACE: Hello? Yes, I'm very excited about the job. The whole staff is. [AWAY FROM THE PHONE, TO THE OFFICE] Uh, Charles, you can go ahead and distribute those memos. Uh, Dana, tell your department I'll be postponing the presentation in Conference Room B. Don't gimme that look!
[KAREN LOOKS AROUND, CONFUSED.]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Sure, I'm coming right over. Looking forward to meeting you. Okay.
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
KAREN: Good Lord, honey. You have lost it. "Charles" and "Dana"? They haven't worked here in months! Sheesh...
GRACE: Karen, I need you to hold down the fort.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Well, I did it at the Alamo, I can do it here.
[GRACE GRABS HER BAG AND HER PORTFOLIO AND EXITS. KAREN SITS DOWN AT HER DESK AND BEGINS FILING HER NAILS.]
KAREN: [QUIETLY SINGING TO HERSELF] Jesus loves me, this, I know, for the--
[KAREN'S NEMESIS, SCOTT WOOLLEY, ENTERS THE OFFICE.]
SCOTT: Hello, Karen.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Scott Woolley.
SCOTT: Yes, oh, you're so wise to remember the name of your sworn enemy.
KAREN: Actually, you've got a dry cleaning tag hanging off your shirt.
[SCOTT LOOKS DOWN AND PULLS THE PAPER TAG FROM HIS SHIRT TAIL.]
KAREN: Well... I never thought I would see you again after I foiled your plan to take over Walker, Inc. What the hell are you doing here?
SCOTT: Hmm. I just dropped by to see how my campaign to destroy your life is progressing. Mm-hmm.
KAREN: What? What are you talking about? Now unless you've come here to deliver a baby, get outta here, you big stork!
SCOTT: [CHUCKLES] Uh, maybe you've been wondering who's been calling your voice mail and hanging up.
KAREN: Voice mail? I don't even know what that is. How can you mail a voice? You're even crazier than you are tall and birdlike.
SCOTT: Yeah, but that's nothing compared to the final phase of my second plan to ruin... [STOMPS HIS FOOT] your... [STOMP] life.
KAREN: Yeah, well, I hope it's better than your first plan because that one sucked! Other than "Let's beat Bush by running another mopey stiff with a horse face," that was the worst plan I've ever heard!
SCOTT: Except this one's gonna work. And when it does, I finally get to break out my bottle of 1954 Salon le Menuille. The world's most expensive [PRONOUNCED WITH EXAGGERATED FRENCH ACCENT] champagne, which I've been saving for the moment when I finally bring you down. Ciao. And, uh, when next you see me, you're gonna be crying bitter tears.
[SCOTT LAUGHS EVILLY AND EXITS.]
[SCOTT PEEKS BACK IN.]
SCOTT: Do I need a key for the men's room?
[KAREN ROLLS HER EYES AND TOSSES SCOTT THE BATHROOM KEY.]
SCENE III: A Dance Club
[WILL AND JACK ARE DANCING. THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN AND WOMEN ON THE DANCE FLOOR. "RUNNING ON EMPTY" BY JACKSON BROWNE IS PLAYING.]
WILL: Are you sure this is a gay club? Middle-aged women keep bumping into me, and this song is, like, 28 years old.
JACK: It's a straight club right now. It doesn't turn gay until 9:00.
WILL: I had a roommate in college who was the same way.
[MUSIC: "LOOKING OUT AT THE ROAD RUSHING UNDER MY WHEELS..."]
JACK: Yeah, well, we just have to hold out a bit. It should be changing in exactly... [LOOKS AT HIS WATCH] five seconds.
WILL: I find it hard to believe that a club could just instantly turn gay.
[MUSIC: "IN SIXT--"]
[SUDDENLY, 80'S CLUB HIT "DON'T LEAVE ME THIS WAY" BY THE COMMUNARDS BEGINS PLAYING. THE CROWD SUDDENLY CHANGES OUT TO BECOME "GAY".]
[MUSIC: "DON'T LEAVE ME THIS WAY... I CAN'T SURVIVE, I CAN'T STAY ALIVE, WITHOUT..."]
JACK: Yeah, we have to leave in exactly two hours unless you want to be tossed around by a bunch of bikers.
WILL: Thanks, Jack. This is just what I needed. You know, spend a little time with my friend, take my mind off of everything.
JACK: I know. I pee a little bit when I dance too.
WILL: [LOUDER] That's not what I said. I said it's great spending time with you.
JACK: Oh, well, good. 'Cause I'm yours for the night. I'm gonna get us a couple drinks.
WILL: I'll come with ya.
JACK: No, no, no, no, you have to save our spot on the dance floor. This is the premiere spot. We're away from the smoke. The lighting is perfect. And we got a balls-eye-view of the go-go boys.
WILL: Okay, I'll save it.
JACK: No, not like that. You gotta save it for both of us. You gotta dance wide!
[JACK BEGINS DANCING "WIDE" -- MOVING AROUND A LOT, ESPECIALLY WITH HIS ARMS. WILL IMITATES HIM.]
JACK: Yeah, that's good. That's good. I'll be right back.
[JACK WALKS OFF, LEAVING WILL "DANCING WIDE".]
SCENE IV: An Empty Restaurant Space
[THE SPACE IS DESERTED. GRACE IS SITTING ALONE AT A SMALL TABLE.]
[THE ASSISTANT, FILLIP, COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.]
FILLIP: [TO GRACE] Mr. Osment is running late. If you need anything, I'm Filip.
GRACE: Thank you, Philip.
FILLIP: Yeah, uh, No, it's "Fil-lip" with an "F."
GRACE: What did I say?
FILLIP: "Philip" with a "P-H."
[A PAGER BEEPS. FILLIP LOOKS DOWN AT THE PAGER.]
FILLIP: Ah, he's ready for you. Wait...here.
[FILLIP MOTIONS TO A PLACE ON THE FLOOR. GRACE STANDS THERE.]
[AN EGG CHAIR TURNS AROUND, REVEALING SCOTT WOOLLEY. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT, SCARING GRACE.]
SCOTT: S-sorry. Hello. Miss Adler?
GRACE: Oh, you must be Mr. Osment.
[GRACE AND SCOTT SHAKE HANDS.]
SCOTT: Please call me Haley Joel.
GRACE: "Haley Joel Osment"? Like the kid.
SCOTT: Uh, yes... Uh, I was named after him. My parents were big fans. Big fans.
[GRACE LOOKS AT SCOTT, CONFUSED.]
SCOTT: Anyway, let's look at those design plans.
GRACE: Oh, oh, I don't have the plans. We're really not at that stage yet.
SCOTT: But your office assured me that you'd be bringing 'em. That woman, uh, told me-- Oh, boy, now I'm not gonna remember her name. Um, Klaybin, Klaron, Karbin...
SCOTT: Yeah, oh, yes, Karen.
GRACE: She promised that I'd be bringing plans?
SCOTT: Yes, she absolutely did.
GRACE: Oh, I apologize for the misunderstanding.
SCOTT: Well, it's just ridiculous. How're you gonna do the job if you can't even handle your own assistant? I think you should fire her.
GRACE: I-I can't fire her. It would be like cutting off my arm. My drunk, useless arm.
SCOTT: Do you want this job?
GRACE: Of course, I do.
SCOTT: Then fire... [STOMP] Karen... [STOMP] Walker.
[SCOTT WALKS UP THE STAIRS AND EXITS.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS FOLDING HIS LAUNDRY WHEN JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: Okay, get this. That guy that I met last night, Craig, lives in the same building as Patti LuPone's dog walker. After that, how could I not sleep with him?
[WILL IS NOT SPEAKING. HE LOOKS ANGRY AND ANNOYED.]
JACK: [TO HIMSELF] Oh, Patti... I'm getting closer. Sometimes, I imagine her singing while I'm cutting her hair. No, Jack, one dream at a time! Stop it. [TO WILL] How was your night?
WILL: How was my night? My night was horrible. You dumped me! I sweated through my jeans dancing wide. Then I had to do four body shots off of Betty Lynn before Squirrel would drive me home on his Harley!
JACK: All right, you want an apology. Come on, let's do it in the mirror, so we can see how cute I look doing it.
WILL: Save it, Jack. I'm not in the mood. The one time I needed you to be there for me-- [SCOFFS] I don't know why I'm surprised. You don't give a crap about anyone but yourself.
JACK: Will! I'm sorry, really. Now come on, let's go have lunch at Barney's so we can watch women with giant lips try to eat soup.
WILL: Forget it, Jack. I'm done.
[WILL PICKS UP THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND WALKS BACK INTO HIS BEDROOM.]
SCENE VI: Grace Adler Designs
[GRACE HAS ARRIVED BACK AT THE OFFICE. KAREN IS STILL THERE, SITTING AT HER DESK.]
KAREN: I don't know what you're talking about, honey. Nobody named Osment called, and I never promised nobody nothin', ya hear?
GRACE: Look, he gave me an ultimatum. He said I either fire you or I lose the job. And he was talking about opening these restaurants all over the country. I mean, I could be the designer of Woolley's Revenges everywhere.
KAREN: "Woolley's Revenge"?
GRACE: I know, bad name. I go straight to "diarrhea."
KAREN: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Honey, this guy that you're working for, describe him to me.
GRACE: [SIGHS] Oh, I don't know. Really tall, long-limbed, attractive.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Kinda like a big sexy whooping crane?
GRACE: Now that you say it, yeah.
KAREN: I knew it. It's the same guy! Oh, no. Wait a minute, my guy's name is Scott Woolley, not Osment. Okay, forget it.
SCENE VII: Barneys New York Department Store, Cafe
[JACK IS SITTING ALONE AT A SMALL TABLE WITH A POT OF TEA AND SOME PASTRIES, HIS BACK IS TO THE CAFE ENTRANCE.]
[JACK PICKS UP A SMALL DISH AND POPS A SMALL CUBE INTO HIS MOUTH.]
[JACK TURNS AROUND TO ASK THE WAITER A QUESTION.]
JACK: [TO WAITER] Excuse me. These candies are delicious. What do you call them?
WAITER: Sugar cubes.
[JACK POPS ANOTHER ONE INTO HIS MOUTH WHEN HE NOTICES WILL ENTER.]
[JACK GETS UP TO GREET WILL.]
JACK: Will! Thanks for coming.
WILL: I'm not here to see you. I'm here to do an interview for the premiere issue of Briefs, a magazine for cute gay lawyers. Which I just realized does not exist. You'd think I'd been tipped off when the message was left by managing editor Pat McGroin.
JACK: [IRISH ACCENT] At your service, laddie.
WILL: I don't have time for this.
JACK: No, no, no, but wait, wait. I wanna be here for you. Now, come, come, sit. I reserved a nice quiet table in the corner for us to talk for as long as you need.
[JACK TAKES WILL AND BRINGS HIM OVER TO THEIR TABLE.]
WILL: Yeah, until a cute guy walks by or you notice your reflection in a spoon.
JACK: No. Now I can be a good friend. Now, I would like to hear everything that's going on with you.
[JACK POURS WILL A CUP OF TEA.]
WILL: You would?
JACK: I would.
WILL: You must be serious. The word "would" was just used three times, and you didn't giggle. Okay.
[WILL SITS DOWN.]
WILL: It's, uh... I don't know, it's--it's been hard. Wow, still no giggle. It just--it's, like...it's-- [SIGHS] What Vince and I had just felt so right.
JACK: And you're wondering if you're ever gonna find that again.
WILL: Yeah, I am. I mean, it's like, am I even capable of having a relationship?
JACK: Of course. You just haven't found anyone who's good enough for you yet.
WILL: Thanks. Oh, you know, I should wash my hands. The subway stopped short, and I accidentally put my finger in an old man's ear. I'll be right back.
JACK: Okay, and I'll be waiting right here. As far as I'm concerned, we're the only two people in the whole world.
[WILL GETS UP AND GOES TO THE RESTROOM.]
[JACK PICKS UP HIS CUP OF TEA TO TAKE A SIP, WHEN BEHIND HIM, BROADWAY DIVA PATTI LUPONE ENTERS, AND WALKS UP TO THE MAITRE D' STAND.]
PATTI LUPONE: [TO MAITRE D'] I have a reservation for tea. Patti LuPone.
[HEARING HER NAME, JACK MISSES HIS MOUTH AND POURS HIS TEA INTO HIS LAP.]
SCENE VIII: Scott Woolley's Revenge Restaurant Space
[GRACE HAS GONE BACK TO VISIT SCOTT.]
SCOTT: Miss Adler. I can only assume that this means that you've fired Karen Walker.
GRACE: I did. But I'd really rather not talk about it. It's just too upsetting.
SCOTT: Oh, yes. No, I understand. Um, so how did she take it? Um, maybe not well? [TURNS HIS BACK AND SNICKERS]
GRACE: She was devastated. She said that that job was the most important thing to her in the world.
SCOTT: Go on, go on. Keep going, don't mind me. I may close my eyes a little bit, go ahead.
[SCOTT CLOSES HIS EYES AND SMILES.]
GRACE: After that, she became violent. I had to have her arrested. Then when the police where shoving her into the squad car, they accidentally ripped her ear off. They were gonna try and put it back on, but a dog ran up and ate it.
SCOTT: Wow, that sounds like, uh, her life is ruined. Does it sound like that to you?
GRACE: It does. But to Karen it only sounds half as bad because she only has one ear.
SCOTT: I feel... [SNICKERING] just awful. Oh. You know what a sad occasion like this calls for? A glass of 1954 Salon le Menuille. The world's most expensive champagne.
[SCOTT POURS HIMSELF A GLASS OF HIS CHAMPAGNE.]
SCOTT: I've waited so long for this moment. No champagne will ever taste as sweet.
[SCOTT TAKES A SHIP OF HIS WINE AND SPITS IT OUT.]
SCOTT: It tastes like cat pee!
[AN EGG CHAIR ROLLS IN, AND TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL KAREN WALKER, WHO HAS A WHITE CAT ON HER LAP. SITTING IN THE EGG CHAIR PETTING THE CAT, SHE LOOKS LIKE "DR. EVIL".]
KAREN: That's because it is.
SCENE IX: Barneys New York, Cafe
[THE WAITER SITS PATTI LUPONE AT THE TABLE NEXT TO JACK'S. JACK AND PATTI HAVE THEIR BACKS TO EACH OTHER. JACK IS CLEANING HIS LAP AND SWEATER WITH A NAPKIN.]
WAITER: Miss LuPone, I just wanna say I saw you in Evita when I was 16. I came out by intermission.
PATTI: I hear that a lot. Sometimes I think I'm personally responsible for the West Village.
WAITER: By the way, you look fabulous.
[JACK IS DYING TO LOOK.]
PATTI: Thanks. My hair's a little long, I need to get it cut.
[JACK PICKS UP A BUTTER KNIFE. HE TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT PATTI'S HAIR AND MOVES IN WITH THE KNIFE, WHEN WILL RETURNS.]
[JACK QUICKLY TURNS AROUND AND PICKS UP SOME BUTTER WITH HIS KNIFE, AND BEGINS SPREADING IT ON HIS HAND. WILL LOOKS AT JACK STRANGELY.]
WILL: This is really, really sweet of you to do, Jack. Thank you.
[JACK WIPES HIS HAND ON HIS NAPKIN.]
JACK: Well, I'm happy to. There's nothing more important to me than you, Patti-- Fatty-- Will!
WILL: Are you--are you okay?
JACK: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm perfect. So heartbreak and sorrow, go.
PATTI: Oh, no, my earring.
[PATTI BEGINS LOOKING AROUND THE FLOOR.]
WILL: [QUIETLY TO JACK] Oh, my God. Is that Patti LuPone?
[PATTI GETS ON HER HANDS AND KNEES AND CRAWLS ON THE FLOOR TO FIND HER EARRING.]
JACK: No, I don't think so. Heh heh.
WILL: I really think it is.
[JACK LOOKS DOWN. PATTI IS ON HER HANDS AND KNEES NEXT TO HIS TABLE. JACK GRABS HER SHIRT AND PULLS HER HEAD UP FOR A SECOND, THEN PUTS HER BACK DOWN.]
JACK: Oh, what do you know, it is.
[PATTI FINDS HER EARRING, SHE STARTS TO GET UP, BUT WHILE STILL KNEELING NEXT TO JACK'S CHAIR...]
PATTI: [TO JACK] I'm sorry. My head was practically in your lap. So... Do I get the part?
[PATTI SMILES AND STANDS UP, STRAIGHTENS HER DRESS AND SITS DOWN..]
WILL: Jack. What are you doing? You've been trying to track down Patti LuPone ever since you came home with that clump of hair from Bea Arthur and finished your Golden Girls wig.
JACK: William. Now for the last time, nothing can distract me from you. Now, please continue.
[THE WAITER HAS BROUGHT OVER A TRAY WITH A TEACUP AND A POT OF TEA FOR PATTI.]
WAITER: [TO PATTI] Um, I hate to ask this, and I feel really awkward...
PATTI: Ohh, it's okay. I know. You want me to sing "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina."
WAITER: Well, it's my birthday.
PATTI: I would love to. But I don't wanna be rude. I'll just ask these gentlemen if they don't mind.
[PATTI TURNS AROUND IN HER CHAIR TO ADDRESS JACK AND WILL.]
PATTI: Excuse me.
[JACK IGNORES HER, BUT IT'S OBVIOUSLY VERY HARD ON HIM. PATTI TAPS ON HIS SHOULDER.]
[JACK LOOKS AROUND, NERVOUSLY JIGGLING HIS TEACUP AND SAUCER, TRYING TO IGNORE PATTI.]
WILL: Jack, Patti LuPone is trying to get your attention.
PATTI: Would you mind if I sang?
JACK: Shut up, Patti LuPone! Shut your brassy, magnificent trap! I don't wanna hear you sing. I don't wanna cut your hair. And I certainly don't wanna hear you singing while I'm cutting your hair! Got it?! Now I'm talking to my best friend, so stand back, Buenos Aires!
[JACK FANS HIMSELF WITH HIS NAPKIN AND PATS HIS FOREHEAD.]
[PATTI TURNS AROUND IN HER CHAIR.]
PATTI: [TO THE WAITER] People either love me, or they hate me.
WILL: I don't believe you just did that. You spurned a Broadway legend for me.
JACK: Well, I wanted to prove to you that I really care about you, Will.
WILL: And you did.
WILL: Yes. And thank you. Now come on. We've got a diva to scalp.
JACK: Thank you, Will. I just hope she's not a screamer like that prissy Rue McClanahan.
SCENE X: Scott Woolley's Revenge Restaurant Space
[SCOTT IS SITTING ALONE ON THE STAIRS SOBBING, WHEN GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Excuse me.
SCOTT: Oh, uh...
GRACE: I don't mean to bother you during your man cry. But I forgot my portfolio.
[GRACE WALKS PAST SCOTT AND PICKS UP HER PORTFOLIO FROM THE SMALL TABLE.]
SCOTT: Um, hold me.
[SCOTT HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS.]
GRACE: Hold you? No, I'm not going to hold you. You tried to destroy my best friend. And you wasted my time on some bogus design job.
SCOTT: Oh, no, sweetie, I was always gonna pay you. Here's your check.
[SCOTT HOLDS OUT A CHECK FOR GRACE. SHE TAKES IT AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM.]
GRACE: Come to mamala.
[SHE HOLDS HIM CLOSE, PATTING HIS HEAD.]
SCOTT: I'm--I'm pathetic. What if I can never defeat Karen Walker, then what's the point of my whole life?
[THEY BREAK THEIR EMBRACE.]
GRACE: Oh, don't talk like that. You are smart, good-looking, rich. Don't waste all your energy on Karen. Just let it go.
SCOTT: I can't! She's all I think about. I imagine what she's doing every moment of every day. I look for her in crowds. I listen for her voice. When I'm pulling a pineapple cake out of the oven, I'm thinking, "Is she doing the same thing?"
GRACE: If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you had a little crush on her.
SCOTT: No, I just told you. I hate her. She's evil and monstrous and cold.
GRACE: And sexy?
SCOTT: So hunkin' sexy. Oh my God in heaven. You may be right. I think I-- I do have a little-- a little crush on her.
GRACE: See, now you don't have to devote your entire life to ruining her.
SCOTT: Oh, you're so right. Thank you. Thank you, Grace. Gee, you freed me. Now I can devote my entire life to... making her my girlfriend.
SCENE XI: Barneys New York, Cafe
[THE WAITER IS AT THE PIANO. JACK, WILL, AND PATTI LUPONE ARE STANDING AT THE PIANO. THE WAITER BEGINS PLAYING "DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA" FROM THE MUSICAL "EVITA".]
PATTI: [SINGING] Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I never left you.
JACK: [SINGING] All through my wild days, my mad existance...
WILL: [SINGING] I kept my promise...
PATTI: [SINGING] Don't keep your distance.
[WHILE PATTI SMILES AT WILL, JACK HOLDS UP A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND MOVES IN TO HER HAIR...]