Original Airdate 1/6/2005
Written by Sally Bradford
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Bobby Cannavale (Vince D'Angelo)
Jeff Goldblum (Scott Woolley)
Jamie Kaler (Gary)
Eric Cazanave (Clive)
Joyce Guy (Lynette)
Jane Downs (Charlotte)
Will Schaub (Dennis)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[GRACE AND JACK ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE LOOKING AT THE MOVIE SECTION OF THE NEWSPAPER.]
JACK: This is fun, Grace. Going to the movies on a weekday.
GRACE: Why do you have the day off?
JACK: Oh, bomb scare at Out TV. Everyone got the day off to see the new Jude Law movie, 'cause they're scared it's gonna bomb.
GRACE: But I want to see Spanglish.
JACK: Mm. Yeah, sure. I'm over Jude Law anyway. He won't return any of my calls. Doesn't matter, we're in different places emotionally.
[WILL AND VINCE ENTER, CARRYING THEIR GYM BAGS.]
VINCE: I hate it when you do that.
WILL: Well, I'm sorry, how many times do I have to apologize?
JACK: [TO WILL] Oh, dear. Did you call out my name again the boudoir?
WILL: [TO GRACE] You know that guy at the gym-- th-the trolly muscle queen with no neck?
GRACE: Oh, the one that you were obsessed with, who would never go out with you?
WILL: [EMBARASSED PAUSE] Yeah. So anyway, it was incredibly satisfying to be able to introduce him to my handsome cop boyfriend--
VINCE: See, I hate that. You know, I'm more than a cop, Will. I'm layered. Like an onion. My therapist tells me that your compliments are actually blows to my psyche.
WILL: [SCOFFS] Well, forgive for being proud of you, my...big, strong, sensitive cop.
VINCE: Tiny emotional punches. You know, you're working over my super-ego l-l-like it's a side of beef.
JACK: William, would you like to join us for the 11:10 a.m. screening of Spanglish? Which is Spanish for "English".
WILL: I have to go to work. It's a big day, actually. There's a-a reporter coming to my office to interview Karen. He's doing an article on female CEOs. Well, it's for Parade magazine, so it's probably female CEOs who collect commemorative coins.
GRACE: Karen was interviewed yesterday at my office. Well, not so much "interviewed," as a corrections officer came over and told her to pee in a cup and give a hair sample.
WILL: [TO VINCE] I gotta go. Call me later.
[WILL KISSES VINCE ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD AND WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM.]
JACK: How 'bout you, Vince? Would you like to come wit to see Spanglish, starring Paz Vega? Paz Vega is Spanish for Ashley Judd.
VINCE: I, uh-- I gotta go to work. Maybe some other time.
[VINCE WALKS OUT.]
JACK: [TO GRACE] Did you see that? She completely dismissed us! Well, I for one will not be ignored.
[JACK SITS DOWN AND LOOKS AT GRACE, WHO IS FILING HER NAILS.]
GRACE: Oh, I'm sorry, What'd you say?
SCENE II: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's office.
[KAREN IS SITTING AT WILL'S DESK. WILL IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DESK TALKING TO KAREN...]
WILL: Now, Karen, before this reporter gets here, remember, since Stan died, you are the face of Walker, Inc. And unlike the previous face, yours isn't covered in pudding. So... I-I-I need you to take this seriously.
KAREN: Relax. I am good with reporters. Ever since I leaked a little information to Woodward and Bernstein, I've had 'em eating out of my hands.
WILL :Do you really expect me to believe that you were Deep Throat?
KAREN: Only to one of them.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. WILL OPENS THE DOOR FOR MR. WOOLLEY.]
WOOLLEY: Hello. Uh, Frank Woolley, Parade Magazine.
WILL: Hi, Will Truman. I'm Ms. Walker's lawyer. And Parade reader since 1978. Well, I've been--I've been throwing it out of my Sunday paper since 1978.
WOOLLEY: Thank you, thank you.
KAREN: I use mine to wrap fish.
WOOLLEY: You're too kind, you're too kind. Ms. Walker, Frank Woolley.
[WOOLLEY AND KAREN SHAKE HANDS.]
WOOLLEY: I'm so excited that you're gonna be the first interview for my new, uh, hard-hittin' shoot-from-the-hip column, "Always Woolley."
WILL: "Always Woolley"? Wouldn't "Always Frank" be better?
WOOLLEY: What would that mean?
[MR. WOOLLEY SITS DOWN IN FRONT OF KAREN AT WILL'S DESK.]
WOOLLEY: Miss Walker, I know you're busy, so let's-- let's get, uh, right to the nitty-gritty. Now, I hope you that some of my questions are a little bit, uh, Woolley.
KAREN: [CHUCKLING] Oh. Heh-heh...
WILL: Now, you see, a-another place wh-where "Frank" just as good, if not better. You know?
WOOLLEY: Nothing you say makes sense to me. Mr. Truman do you-- Do you need to be here for this?
WILL: Oh, I-I know it's just a puff piece, but I-- You know, I thought I best sit in, just in case there's any legal questions. Pretend I'm not here.
KAREN: Oh, hey, Wilma. When'd you get here?
WILL: See? It's easy.
WOOLLEY: Uh... now, Ms. Walker... the slant of this piece is female CEOs.
WOOLLEY: Uh, when you married Stanley did you, uh, ever imagine that one day you'd end up on top?
KAREN: Oh. Honey, when I married Stanley, being on top was the only we could do it. He was a very fat man.
WILL: Um...oh. I thought you might need a, uh, photo of Karen for the article.
[WILL HANDS MR. WOOLLEY A 5x7 PHOTOGRAPH.]
WOOLLEY: This is-- this is a photo of you.
WILL: Is it? Oh. Would you look at that? Why don't you just keep that in ca-- Y-you might wanna-- You might wanna do a sidebar about--about her lawyer. You know, "Where There's a Will, there's a Way." [WILL LAUGHS.]
WOOLLEY: Gee, I hate to be that guy, but, uh... I'm just not gettin' ya. But you know what? A sidebar, that's not a bad idea. Could you, uh, give me a 500-word bio on you?
WILL: Well, the--the ones I have printed up were all 750 words. But I can make some trims.
[WILL QUICKLY GETS UP AND RUNS OUT OF THE OFFICE.]
WOOLLEY: Okay. Ha. Now let's you and I talk about somethin' fun.
KAREN: Hit me, Stretch.
WOOLLEY: Okey-dokey. "Stretch." Uh, here... Where's the kookiest place that you've ever taken the company jet that wasn't work-related?
KAREN: Wait a minute. I see what you're trying to do. You are trying to get me to take you to lunch in Barbados, and it has worked! Let's go!
WOOLLEY: O-o-okay. Uh, but only if you promise on the way to tell me your, uh, nuttiest, uh, insider trading stories.
KAREN: [LAUGHS] I've got some doozies! But hold on a second. Let me grab some petty cash from the employee pension plan.
[KAREN AND WOOLLEY EXIT WILL'S OFFICE.]
SCENE III: Organic Grocery Store
[JACK AND GRACE ENTER THE SMALL MARKET.]
JACK: Grace, hurry up. I hate getting to the movies late. I need a good angle to set up my video camera.
GRACE: Pirating the movie? That's illegal.
JAKC: Oh, I don't point it at the screen. I tape my own reaction and watch it at home later. Yeah. Now, come on, hurry up.
GRACE: Okay, okay. I just want to buy something sticky that I can spill on the seat in front of me so no one'll sit there.
JACK: Oh, my God. Look at that guy over there. He looks like an Indian version of Vince.
[ACROSS THE STORE, VINCE IS STANDING BY THE VEGETABLES.]
GRACE: That is Vince. But you know what, you're right. From this angle, he could be in the chorus of Bombay Dreams.
JACK: Well-- I don't understand why he lied to us. He said he had to work. Does he not like us?
GRACE: That's impossible. I've been popular my entire life. Except for those two years in junior high when my head-gear was attached to my scoliosis brace. I looked like scaffolding. Kids used to hang out on me and smoke.
[GRACE LOOKS ACROSS THE STORE AT VINCE. A GUY IS FIXING VINCE'S COLLAR.]
GRACE: What-- What's he doing? What's with all the touching?
[ACROSS THE STORE, THE STORE MANAGER -- DENNIS -- IS FUSSING WITH VINCE'S SHIRT.]
DENNIS: Vince, fix your shirt. Is that why they fired you from being a cop? Because you don't know how to tuck? Now, you have a bright future here at the market if you just learn to play by the rules. Here, come here.
[DENNIS REACHES OVER AND TUCKS IN VINCE'S SHIRT.]
GRACE: He's all over him. Is-- Is he cheating on Will?
JACK: Grace, no. You're reading too much into it.
GRACE: He has his hands down Vince's pants.
JACK: Yes. And if they were straight guys, I would definitely agree that they're having an affair. But for gay guys, a hand down the pants just means hello, good-bye and peace. It's our shalom.
GRACE: I'm gonna talk to him.
JACK: W-w-wait. No, no, no. Before you do that, just think about it. If you're right and is cheating on Will, then it will probably come out at some point. But if you're wrong, there's nothing going on-- we're stuck talking to Vince!
GRACE: You're right, it's none of our business.
[GRACE AND JACK EXIT THE MARKET.]
SCENE IV: The Offices of Doucette and Stein -- Outside Will's Office
[WILL'S CO-WORKER, GARY, CATCHES WILL BEFORE HE ENTERS HIS OFFICE.]
GARY: Oh, Will. Hey, there you are. Listen, we have got a major catastrophe going on.
WILL: [SIGHS] Look, he was elected. We just have to accept it and move on. Hmm?
GARY: Listen, no, someone's planning a hostile takeover of Walker, Inc.
WILL: Oh, my God! When did this happen?
GARY: Just now. This guy wants to buy out the whole corporation. You could lose your biggest client. [CHUCKLES] I'm sorry, I shouldn't be smiling, but, uh, we're both up for partner this year.
[KAREN RUNS UP TO WILL AND GARY.]
KAREN: I came as soon as I heard. Someone's after Stan's company I will not let that happen. I built that company from the waist down.
WILL: Who--who's behind this?
GARY: Well, I don't know, but he's in your office. Oh, and, uh, tell him good luck. I mean, go get 'im!
[WILL AND KAREN WALK INTO WILL'S OFFICE. FRANK WOOLLEY IS SITTING AT WILL'S DESK.]
WOOLLEY: Hello, Karen.
KAREN: It's the reporter!
WOOLLEY: I'm not a reporter. And my name's not Frank Woolley. That was just an alias that I used to get close to you. My real name is... Scott Woolley.
WILL: You know, when people want to hide their identity, they usually change their last name.
WOOLLEY: And what would be the point of that?
KAREN: Hey. What is your game, Mister? Why are you trying to take over my company?
WOOLLEY: You don't recognize me?
KAREN: Nope. Why don't you take off the fake nose and the buck teeth?
WOOLLEY: It was in high school. I was running for student body president. I was so popular and good-lookin' that nobody dared oppose me. Except one girl. A shy, mousy flat-chested wallflower.
WILL: Wow, this story is not the way I expected.
WOOLLEY: We had to debate in front of the whole school. I walked in, confident, cool, meticulously prepared. And then she walked in-- Overnight, this mealy-mouthed waif had sprung gi-normous bazongas. Uh, the likes of which, uh, you never see in high school.
WILL: Ah. Back on track. Yeah.
KAREN: [GIGGLES] I took horse vitamins.
WOOLLEY: The very first question was, "What would you do to improve school morale?" I laid out a brilliant five-point plan. Karen offered her seven-point plan. She repeated my five points, then raised her blouse, revealing points six and seven.
KAREN: I won by a landslide! [LAUGHS]
WILL: But that was high school. Who doesn't have a few bad memories? I mean, one bad perm and your nickname is Greg Brady for four years.
WOOLLEY: I have devoted my entire life towards getting revenge.
WOOLLEY: At first, I tried living well, but it turns out that's really not revenge at all. But then I read that Stanley Walker had died, and that his widow was gonna be the president of the company. Suddenly, I saw my chance.
WILL: Uh, yeah. Scott, I don't know how familiar you are with corporate takeovers, but, uh, you can't just waltz in and buy out a company. It's, uh, it's a little more complicated than that, cowboy. [CHUCKLES]
WOOLLEY: I have amassed a fortune of $500 million dollars. And I've spent the last couple of years driving down her stock price so that I could take a controlling interest. And this is gonna be the tenth company that I've done that to.
WILL: Yeah, I know. I just mean there's gonna lot of paperwork.
SCENE V: The Offices of Walker, Inc. -- The Board Room
[SCOTT WOOLLEY IS ADDRESSING THE WALKER BOARD OF DIRECTORS AS WILL AND KAREN STAND BY.]
WOOLLEY: Ladies and gentlemen of the board, Walker, Inc. is in a shambles. And the woman to blame for that is Karen Walker. Her tenure as CEO has been marred by mismanagement, corporate malfeasance-- And in one instance, uh, public drunkeness at the Central Park Zoo?
KAREN: Hey! That goat stole my flask. What was I supposed to do, not punch it?
WOOLLEY: Yeah, I'd like to call for an immediate vote--
WILL: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, Captain Slick. It's easy to tear somebody down, but where is your plan? I--I have yet to see any evidence that you have a vision for this company th-th-- Who are these men with these notebooks that say "Vision" on them?
[TWO MEN HAND OUT BINDERS TO THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS.]
WOOLLEY: Ladies and gentlemen, you have before you now my 100 point plan for the revitalization of Walker, Inc.
KAREN: Oh, yeah? Well, I've got a 102-point plan. 103, if you're lucky...
SCENE VI: The Organic Grocery
[JACK IS BENT OVER PEERING THROUGH SOME BOXES AS GRACE QUICKLY ENTERS.]
GRACE: [TAPPING HIS SHOULDER] Jack?
JACK: [GASPS] Oh! What?
GRACE: I--I got your text message. "Mince is fleeting." What does that mean?
JACK: It means my thumbs are too big for my Blackberry. Vince is cheating.
GRACE: How do you know?
JACK: Look at them.
[GRACE LOOKS ACROSS THE STORE. DENNIS IS FIXING VINCE'S HAIR.]
JACK: A platonic cupping of the crotchal area is one thing, but to touch a man's hair? They've gone all the way.
[ACROSS THE STORE... DENNIS IS TOUCHING UP VINCE'S HAIR.]
DENNIS: It's okay, but you are half an inch away from a hair net, buddy.
[DENNIS SLAPS VINCE'S SHOULDER AND WALKS OFF.]
VINCE: [QUIETLY TO HIMSELF] Yeah. Touch my hair again, I'll put a booger in the olive bar.
[GRACE AND JACK WALK UP TO VINCE.]
GRACE: Hi, Vince.
VINCE: [SCREAMS] Aaaah! Oh, God. Grace, you startled me. This place is crawling with rats. Wait, what, what are you doin' here?
JACK: We know what's goin' on.
GRACE: Yeah, we know your filthy secret.
DENNIS: Vince. I want your ass in aisle five.
[GRACE GASPS LOUDLY.]
DENNIS: And bring the mop.
[JACK GASPS LOUDLY.]
JACK: Oh, my God. What kind of a place is this? And why do I shop anywhere else?
GRACE: Wait, you work here?
VINCE: Yeah. What'd you think I was doin'?
JACK: Oh, certainly not meeting your rough trade grocery store lover for a quick handy by the bed of crackers.
GRACE: Vince, what's going on?
VINCE: I got fired. I'm not on the force anymore. Remember last week, a guy robbed a department store and the cop accidentally shot the cashier?
JACK: That was you?
VINCE: No, that was my partner. I was busy tryin' on gloves.
VINCE: Since it was my 63rd citation, and my seventh one involving, you know, gloves... they fired me.
JACK: [TSK TSK] Oh dear, you poor thing. What color were they?
VINCE: Taupe with a chocolate cashmere lining.
GRACE: Oh, they woulda gone with everything. Well-- Will doesn't know?
VINCE: No, I can't-- I'm too embarrassed. Look at me. I went from a-- from a real gun to a--to a price gun. You know, yesterday I busted some guy shoplifting. All I could two mark him "two for a dollar" and send him on his way.
GRACE: Why, you woulda shot him?
VINCE: I woulda had the option.
GRACE: Vince. Will loves you. You could tell him anything. And you shouldn't feel bad about working here. I mean, every job has its own dignity.
VINCE: Thanks, Grace. Well, that's what I was thinkin'. I'm tryin' to stay rosette about the whole thing.
DENNIS: You slacking off again?
VINCE: Why don't you lay off, you little bitch, before I rip your head off your neck.
DENNIS: You're fired.
VINCE: What?! Why?!
JACK: I have no idea. But if you need me, I'll be in aisle five.
SCENE VII: The Walker Board Room
KAREN: Well, thank you, everyone. I trust that what I've shown you today will help you to make an informed decision about the future of Walker, Inc.
WOOLLEY: Very impressive presentation, Ms. Walker. I hadn't seen 'em in a while. They still look like a tenth grader's.
KAREN: [QUIETLY] That's because they are. Shh!
CHARLOTTE: Thank you both. If you could just give us a minute to vote?
[WILL, KAREN, AND SCOTT WOOLLEY STEP OFF TO THE SIDE WHILE THE BOARD DISCUSSES.]
WOOLLEY: Uh, I'm afraid your efforts aren't gonna make any difference. I'm still gonna win. I stomped your client back into the Ice Age. After today, they're gonna be calling me The Scotty Mammoth.
WILL: Why wouldn't you just say "Woolley mam--" Oh, never mind.
CLIVE: We've taken a vote. We've decided to go with... Scott Woolley.
KAREN: Ye-es! Aaah! Ha!
WILL: That is not you.
WOOLLEY: Uh, Karen? I was worried that after all these years, um, my revenge would empty and hollow. But-- I was wrong. It's awesome! [LAUGHS] I'm gonna start moving into your late husband's office. So now it's your turn to cry, uh, to wet yourself a little, and, uh, get beaten up by the marching band. Not that any of those things happened to me.
[SCOTT WOOLLEY LEAVES THE BOARD ROOM TO LOOK AT STAN'S OFFICE.]
WILL: Karen, this is not over. Sure he has brains and his fancy folders. And all we've got is--is your breasts. But-- Uh-- Yeah, this is probably over.
KAREN: That's sweet of you to say, Wilma. But I'm just gonna say goo to the board. [SIGHS]
[KAREN WALKS OVER TO THE BOARD OF DIRECTOR'S TABLE TO ADDRESS THEM ONE LAST TIME.]
KAREN: I--I'm sorry, everybody. I just-- I just wanted to say that, um-- Well, I'm a little hurt. I mean, I-- I really thought that we were a family. Clive... I was there for the birth of your cocaine habit.
[CLIVE LOOKS EMBARASSED.]
KAREN: Watching it grow over these past eight years. I've never been prouder. And Jim. [LAUGHS] Oh, gosh. I remember the third anniversary of your S & M affair with old Charlotte here.
[CHARLOTTE SINKS DOWN IN HER CHAIR.]
KAREN: Never told either of your spouses. 'Cause that's what family does. They keep secrets. Secrets that I am no longer under any obligation to keep. Well, like at last year's executive retreat, when Lynette and I-- [KAREN STROKES LYNETTE'S CHEEK AND HAIR.]
LYNETTE: I'd like to vote again.
JIM: Me too.
WILL: All in favor of Karen Walker, say "I."
WILL: All opposed?
[NO ONE SPEAKS. KAREN GASPS AND SMILES AND CLAPS.]
[SCOTT WOOLLEY RE-ENTERS THE BOARD ROOM.]
WOOLLEY: Man. That is one sweet office that Stanley Walker had. Although I might replace the omelet station with a-- oh, I don't know-- a computer.
WILL: Sorry, Scott. The board has reconsidered. Ms. Walker is once again the president of Walker, Inc.
WOOLLEY: What? Why?
LYNETTE: Don't tell him.
[THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS STAND UP AND EXIT THE ROOM AS SCOTT BEGS...]
WOOLLEY: No, no, no! Y-y-you can't do that. Those--those folders were expensive. Why? Why?
WILL: Well, it looks like it's time for you to go back where you came from. Beam me up, Woolley! [WILL LAUGHS.]
[THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS HAVE LEFT. SCOTT WOOLLEY, KAREN, AND WILL ARE LEFT IN THE BOARD ROOM ALONE.]
WOOLLEY: This is not over. Maybe I didn't get your company, but I'm gonna get ya. I don't know how, I don't know when. I'm not gonna lie you you, I put a lot of eggs in this basket... But I promise, you have not seen the last of me. And the next time you see me, you will be terrified!
[WOOLLEY WALKS OUT OF THE BOARD ROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR.]
[SUDDENLY WOOLLEY REOPENS THE DOOR AND LOOKS AROUND THE FLOOR.]
WOOLLEY: Did I lose my keys?
[HE PICKS UP HIS KEYS FROM A TABLE AND WALKS BACK OUT. WILL AND KAREN SHAKE THEIR HEADS.]