Original Airdate 12/9/2004
Written by Bill Wrubel
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Blythe Danner (Marilyn Truman)
Hallee Hirsh (Olivia Walker)
Kari Lizer (Connie)
Ashley Louise Edner (Ruby)
Cody Weiant (Maisie)
Helen Geller (Fiona)
Poalo Presta (Marc)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL, JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER.]
JACK: You know what? I kind of like eating dinner without Grace. There's enough for seconds and nobody stabs my hand with a fork when reaching for a lamb chop.
WILL: She went to the theatre with my mother. I'd have gone, but this is my firm's busiest time of the year. I am swamped.
JACK: Organizing the Christmas potluck?
WILL: It is such hard work! You wouldn't believe the number of hours I put in. Luckily, I-I bill them all to a rich, drunk client who'll never know the difference.
KAREN: You're a smart man, Will. That's why you're my lawyer.
[GRACE AND WILL'S MOTHER, MARILYN TRUMAN, ENTER.]
MARILYN: Well, I am just going to come out and say it. Billy Crystal is an American treasure. 700 Sundays is a big fat hit.
GRACE: Mm-hmm. I could only make it through 200 Sundays before I had to hit the can.
[WILL GETS UP FROM THE TABLE, KISSING GRACE AS HE WALKS TO HIS MOM.]
WILL: Mom, I'm so I couldn't make it. Office emergency.
[WILL KISSES HIS MOM.]
MARILYN: Oh, I know, I know. The potluck. Oh, I'd better run if I'm going to make my train. Grace, I had so much fun with you! I felt like I was out with my new best friend.
GRACE: I had a great time too. We're gonna have do this again sometime.
MARILYN: Well, I am giving a ladies tea tomorrow afternoon at my house. Catch the 1:36 train and I will pick you up on my way home from the market, mm?
GRACE: Wow. That's...specific and soon. Um... Sure, why not? I'll see you tomorrow.
KAREN: Get home safe, Will's mom.
[WILL KISSES HIS MOM.]
MARILYN: Ooh, that face. I'm kvelling. I learned that from Billy Crystal. He taught us so many things. Tuchas... plotzing... Well, so long, my little faygeleh.
SCENE II: Karen Walker's Penthouse
[JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING IN THE DEN. THERE IS A FIRE IN THE FIREPLACE AND IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE ON THE BALCONY. AN UNDECORATED CHRISTMAS TREE IS IN THE CORNER. KAREN IS SITTING IN HER CHAIR WITH A MUG AS JACK READS A STORY.]
JACK: And that was Glenn. Number eleven. After him, I went home, took a nap, went to the gym. Which is where I met Martin. Number twelve. The end.
KAREN: Jackie, I love the story of the 12 Gays of Christmas.
ROSARIO: Miss Karen? We have a little visitor.
KAREN: Oh, for God's sake. I'm not your mother. You know where the tampons are.
ROSARIO: It's your stepdaughter, Olivia. You Ghost of Christmas Passed-out.
KAREN: Aww, Rosie. I love it when your slams turn seasonal. It means that Christmas is just around the corner, hmm. What the hell is Olivia doin' here anyway?
ROSARIO: Well, her ugly mother and fat brother are in the hospital. They're sucking out part of his stomach and putting it into her flat fanny.
JACK: Ah, the circle of life.
ROSARIO: Anyway, Olivia needs a place to stay for Christmas.
KAREN: Hmm, yeah. Well, you can tell her to forget it. I'm not runnin' a freakin' YMC--
[OLIVIA ENTERS THE ROOM, CARRYING A BIG PINK BAG.]
KAREN: Hey! Look at you! Ha ha ha!
OLIVIA: Hi, Karen. Hi, Jack.
OLIVIA: I hope it's okay that I'm staying. It won't be that long. I would've stayed with my stepfather, but he's gonna be busy operating on my mom and brother.
KAREN: Honey, you can stay for as long as you want. Aww, Curly. Seems like just yes I was holdin' ya in my arms and then frantically passing you off to a nanny. Aww. Great to see ya.
[KAREN HUGS OLIVIA AND THEN PUSHES HER TO ROSARIO.]
KAREN: Rosie, take her.
[ROSARIO AND OLIVIA EXIT THE ROOM.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] Why am I so nice? Now I'm stuck with her! [SIGHS] Well, there go my Christmas plans of sittin' in a dark room and drinking.
JACK: And there go my Christmas plans of turning you so you don't choke on your own vomit.
KAREN: She's ruining both of our holidays, Jackie. [THINKING] Unless...
JACK: Unless what?
KAREN: Unless... She just ruined yours. Why don't you take care of her?
JACK: No, Karen. She's a teenage girl. They're very cruel. Yeah. The last time I saw Olivia, I was wearing Uggs. Which apparently had gone out of style exactly five minutes before I walked in. She gave me such a dressing down, I ended up sobbing and curled up in the fecal position.
KAREN: Honey, don't you mean...
KAREN: Oh. Well... come on, Jackie. Help me out here.
JACK: No, Karen. This is your respons--
KAREN: I'll pay you $1,000 a minute.
JACK: And I have a daughter.
SCENE III: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
[WILL IS WORKING AT HIS DESK WHEN HIS ASSISTANT, CONNIE, ENTERS.]
CONNIE: Uh, hey, Will. I was thinking, um, I don't know what your theme is for this year's potluck, but, um, I was thinking maybe we could make a dessert together.
WILL: Gee, Connie, that's tempting--
CONNIE: Like maybe, uh, we could frost an upside-down Connie. I mean an upside-down cake.
WILL: Y-you know what might help this awkward moment, Connie? Uh, if you left.
[GRACE ENTERS THE OFFICE.]
GRACE: Will, I need to talk to you.
CONNIE: [LOOKING GRACE UP AND DOWN] Oh, her. I do not get it.
[CONNIE EXITS AND GRACE CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER.]
GRACE: Um...hey. I just got back from tea at your mother's, and something terrible happened.
WILL: Oh no, did another one of her friends admit to sleeping with my father?
GRACE: [SIGHS] Um, this happened when I went to set my drink on the mantel.
WILL: Mantel? Not the mantel where my mother keeps her Lladro collection.
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Maybe.
WILL: Grace. Look me in the eye and tell me that nothing happened to any one of those figurines.
WILL: Particularly not the Bashful Geisha.
GRACE: Why, was she special?
WILL: "Was"?! Was! Oh, you animal! You clumsy animal! Do you have any idea Wi-San was important to my mother?!
GRACE: Well, if she was so important, why was she in front of the cashews!
WILL: Oh! She loved that figurine. When my brother Sam started a fire making french fries, Wi-San was the only thing my mother ran back in the house to save. The rest of us had to be alerted by a neighbor!
[A CO-WORKER, MARC, OPENS THE DOOR.]
MARC: Hey, Will. Do you have time to go over the Morris case?
WILL: [ANNOYED] Marc, you went to Harvard. Do I have to remind you it's potluck week? Now, please, go make a 195 miniature flans.
MARC: Okay, that's why the second gayest lawyer here...
GRACE: [SIGHS] Okay, all right. I-I need to think here. Think, Grace, think.
WILL: Interesting that you have to remind yourself to do that.
GRACE: Okay, I got it! I'm gonna get her a new one. Good thinking, Grace!
WILL: You can't get her a new one. They--they stopped making them when Japanese-Americans began picketing the factory.
GRACE: Oh, my God. I have to tell her.
WILL: Wait, w-w-w-wait, whoa. She doesn't know?
GRACE: No, I was alone in the living room pouring cashews into my purse. After it broke, I kicked it under the sofa.
WILL: This is good. If she doesn't know, we don't tell her. That would be the worst thing in the world. Listen to me. Don't say a word. Pretend it never happened.
GRACE: I can't do that. I feel terrible.
WILL: You know what your problem is? Jewish guilt. It gets you every time. You know how many Jewish serial killers there are? Not many, because they kill once, then they feel too guilty to kill again.
GRACE: Or they get caught 'cause they were distracted by a nosh.
[GRACE NOTICES A BOWL OF NUTS ON THE TABLE.]
SCENE IV: Karen Walker's Penthouse
[ROSARIO AND KAREN ARE DECORATING THE CHRISTMAS TREE.]
ROSARIO: Oh, Miss Karen, can I stop for a minute? My back is hurting.
KAREN: Keep goin'. I didn't hear anything snap.
ROSARIO: This year I'm making your figgy pudding with rat poison and Ajax.
KAREN: But no raisins!
[JACK AND OLIVIA ENTER, CARRYING SHOPPING BAGS.]
JACK: That was so much fun, Olivia. Finally I can try on a skirt and get somebody's honest opinion.
OLIVIA: You're the only one of my friends who doesn't look slutty in a micro-mini.
JACK: I know, right!
OLIVIA: Hey, know what we should do?
OLIVIA: Meet you there.
KAREN: Oh, Jackie. [LAUGHS] I cannot believe that they drummed you out of the acting profession for being an unconvincing no-talent. That was your best performance yet.
JACK: No, Karen, I had fun.
KAREN: Really? 'Cause I pay my babysitters just like I pay my whores, you gets your money whether you like it or not.
JACK: No, Karen, I really like Olivia. That little girl you had no interest in raising is turning out to be an amazing woman you'll never know.
KAREN: Huh. Well, I've got a couple hours free this afternoon. I'll take her off your hands. Yeah, we'll go out and do whatever it is that kids are doin' these days.
JACK: Karen, you know you don't wanna do that.
KAREN: Well, actually, Honey, I--
JACK: Besides, it's Christmas. You should just sit here and enjoy your drink alone like you wanted, yeah.
[JACK PICKS UP KAREN'S DRINK FROM THE TABLE AND GIVES IT TO HER AND THEN WALKS OUT.]
JACK: Oh, I almost forgot. Sorry.
[JACK TURNS OFF THE LIGHTS BEFORE HE LEAVES.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS TALKING ON THE PHONE.]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Oh, hi, Mom. Okay, sure.
[WILL HANGS UP.]
WILL: Grace, my-- my mom's on her way up.
[GRACE RUNS OUT OF HER BEDROOM INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]
GRACE: Why is she here? She knows. How does she know? I'm outta here. Forward my mail.
[GRACE GRABS HER COAT AND BAG AND RUNS TO THE DOOR.]
WILL: Grace, Grace.
[WILL STOPS GRACE FROM LEAVING.]
WILL: Grace. What are you worried about? You didn't do anything. Right?
WILL: Right. So anything she has to say about the fate of her figurine is new information, and should be met with shock. Let's try it. Um-- [IMITATING MARILYN] Grace, my Lladro is broken.
GRACE: [LOUDLY] Dear God, no!
WILL: Yeah, you're-- you're mildly surprised, not being asked to give money to charity.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.]
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR.]
WILL: Hi, Mom.
GRACE: Hi, Marilyn. Tea was so great yesterday. How are you?
MARILYN: [UPSET] Not very good.
WILL: What's wrong?
MARILYN: I have some very sad news, Will. Fiona was cleaning after the party yesterday-- [CRYING] and she found Wi-San in pieces on the floor. [CRYING] Wi-San is dead, Will. She's dead!
GRACE: Wi-San? Well, she sounds like who was ready to go anyway.
MARILYN: She was a very rare Lladro figurine. And somebody broke her. Oh, I bet it was that Skippy Faber, the clumsy drunk. Grace, you were talking to her. Was she slurring?
GRACE: Uh, a little. But I really couldn't 'cause she was... stumbling around and waving her arms.
MARILYN: I knew it! I am going to wait until April and pour bleach on her roses.
WILL: Well, hey, that's something to look forward to.
MARILYN: I'm just going to splash some cold water on my face, and then I'll be going.
[MARILYN GETS UP AND WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM, WHIMPERING AND CRYING.]
WILL: [QUIETLY] This is perfect! This is what happens when you keep your mouth shut. Skippy Faber takes the fall!
GRACE: So, that's it? I just let Skippy hang for my crime? Ah, she's German. We'll just call it even.
[WILL AND GRACE NOD IN AGREEMENT AS MARILYN EXITS THE BATHROOM.]
MARILYN: Do you know what? It could-- it could not have been Skippy. Because I remember refilling the cashews right after she left, and Wi-San was fine. Bashful, but fine.
WILL: Well, whatever. The important thing is it's over and it doesn't matter.
MARILYN: Oh, yes it does. Someone came into my house, destroyed something beautiful, and didn't even the decency to admit it. Ooh. I am not going to rest until I find them and pour bleach on something they love.
SCENE VI: The Mall
[JACK, OLIVIA, HER FRIENDS MAISIE AND RUBY ARE SITTING DOWN AT THE FOOD COURT HAVING LUNCH AND A DRINK.]
JACK: [SIGHS] Now I'm sorry I bought these jeans. I think they make me look like I'm not starving myself.
OLIVIA: They do too. I mean, any one of us would kill to have your body.
RUBY: I am so serious.
JACK: Thanks, Olivia, thanks, Maisie, thanks, Ruby. Boy, how cool are we, huh? All the girls wanna be us, and all the boys wanna date us.
[KAREN WALKS UP TO THE TABLE. SHE'S LISTENING TO HER IPOD, SINGING AND SNAPPING HER FINGERS.]
KAREN: [SINGING] Ha bee da, Bee buh da.
[KAREN TURNS OFF THE IPOD AND TAKES OUT THE EARBUDS.]
KAREN: Whoo! I love Usher. Ha ha!
OLIVIA: Karen, what are you doing here?
KAREN: Oh, I come here all the time.
OLIVIA: What? You don't shop at malls.
KAREN: Sure I do. I get all my jewelry at... [CHOKING] Zales. Of course, I buy all my clothes at [GAGGING] the Limited. And of course I always get my educational puzzles at [GAGGING] Imaginarium.
JACK: Karen, here. Um, why don't you join us?
OLIVIA: Y-you don't have to.
[JACK PULLS UP ANOTHER CHAIR FOR KAREN.]
KAREN: No, sure, I wanna get chilly. Yeah, yeah. Let's roll, paddy whack. Yeah. Yo, crackers, I'd love to! So, what are we doin'?
JACK: What all teenage girls do. Which is remarkably similar to what gay men do. Talk about boys, obsess about our bodies, and make fun of people.
KAREN: Smack the bitch up!
[KAREN AND JACK LAUGH. JACK STOPS LAUGHING WHEN HE SEES THE GIRLS ARE NOT.]
[JACK SCOOTS HIS CHAIR AWAY FROM KAREN.]
KAREN: Hey, I'm gettin' kind of thirsty. I'm gonna get us all some beers. Oh, what am I talkin' about? Some light beers. [CHUCKLES]
[KAREN WALKS UP THE COUNTER. OLIVIA FOLLOWS HER.]
OLIVIA: What are you doing?
KAREN: I was hangin' out with my stepdaughter.
OLIVIA: You're embarrassing me! And that's hard to do. I was dropped off at school by a 700-pound man. [SIGHS] I gotta go. My friends are waiting.
KAREN: Fine! Good riddance. Besides, I'm gonna go pick up some lithographs [GAGGING] at Z Gallerie.
JACK: Wow. That was just like "The O.C." Only without 25-year-old teenagers and 35-year-old parents.
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WHEN WILL ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM.]
WILL: Well, my Holidays Around the World potluck was a rousing success. Except when Egypt and Israel fought over the Suez cannoli.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.]
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. HIS MOTHER ENTERS CARRYING A SHOPPING BAG; SHE'S FOLLOWED IN BY A SMALL, OLDER WOMAN.]
WILL: Hi, Mom. Hi, Fiona.
MARILYN: Hello, Darling. Grace? You remember Fiona, my housekeeper. Mm? Well, I-I shouldn't say housekeeper. She's been with us so long, she's more like family. [QUIET WHISPER] Not really.
FIONA: [TO WILL, WITH AN IRISH ACCENT] Nice to see ya! Oh, you're lookin' fit.
WILL: Well, thank you.
MARILYN: And we came into town just to do a little shopping and, uh-- Oh, golly. Oh, golly. Where's my other bag? I must've left it in the lobby.
FIONA: I'll get it. You visit with your son.
MARILYN: Oh, you are such a wonderful woman. I-I swear I don't know what I would do without you.
[FIONA EXITS THE APARTMENT AND MARILYN SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HER.]
MARILYN: I need you to fire her, Will.
WILL: What?! Why?
MARILYN: Well, I figured it out. She broke the Lladro!
SCENE VIII: Karen Walker's Penthouse
[KAREN IS SITTING IN HER CHAIR BY THE CHRISTMAS TREE. ROSARIO ENTERS WITH A DRINK.]
ROSARIO: Here's your scotch.
KAREN: I wanted a hot cider.
ROSARIO: Oh. Here's your hot cider.
[ROSARIO GIVES KAREN THE SAME GLASS OF SCOTCH.]
KAREN: Thanks, Rosie.
[ROSARIO EXITS AND KAREN TAKES A SIP OF HER 'CIDER' AS JACK AND OLIVIA ENTER.]
JACK: Karen. Why are you making Olivia leave?
KAREN: Well, she doesn't want to be around me, I don't want to be around her.
OLIVIA: I don't.
KAREN: Yeah? Well then, good riddance! Don't let the door, or the gate, or the other door, or the security laser hit you on the way out!
JACK: This is crazy. Olivia, Karen cares about you. She always has.
OLIVIA: No, she doesn't.
KAREN: No, I don't.
JACK: She'd never tell you this herself, but she's always a lot of nice things for you.
OLIVIA: No, she didn't.
KAREN: No, I haven't.
JACK: When you were a little girl, your favorite show was "Step by Step."
JACK: Did you know that Karen paid for that show in production two extra seasons just so you could watch it?
OLIVIA: She did?
JACK: Yes! Now, damn it, you two care about each other. But you're too stubborn to admit it. Now, I am gonna lock myself out on that bitterly cold terrace for as long as it takes for you guys to work it out in this warm, comfortable, cozy room. Got it?
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR TO THE TERRACE... THE WIND BLOWS SNOW INTO THE ROOM AS JACK FIGHTS HIS WAY OUT ONTO THE TERRACE, SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]
OLIVIA: Well...I better go.
KAREN: I'm sorry that I wasn't a very good stepmother.
OLIVIA: You're all right. Like, remember that time when we glued the cookie to the floor and watched Mason get splinters trying to pick it up?
[OLIVIA AND KAREN LAUGH.]
KAREN: And then Stanley showed him how to pry up the floorboards and eat 'em both together.
[OLIVIA AND KAREN LAUGH.]
OLIVIA: I miss Dad.
KAREN: Yeah. I miss him too, Honey. You have his eyes, you know. Except-- yours aren't on the sides of your head. [SIGHS] Listen. Come on, why don't you stay? We can do somethin' fun like roast chestnuts and then throw 'em at Rosario. Come on.
OLIVIA: That sounds fun.
[KAREN AND OLIVIA EXIT.]
[JACK TAPS ON THE GLASS.]
JACK: Okay. You guys worked it out yet? It's really chilly out here!
[JACK SLIPS AND FALLS DOWN.]
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
WILL: Mom, e-even if Fiona did break the Lladro, I can't fire her. Sh-she's been with us forever. She's like a mother to me. Sorry.
MARILYN: I know. I know, Darling. That's all right. I went through quite a funk after I had you. [TO GRACE] I-I wouldn't pick him up for a year. And I don't care what the book said, it was the right thing to do.
GRACE: Um, Marilyn, I know this isn't any of my business-- I can't imagine anyone who's less involved than I am. But, um-- accidents happen. You're not really gonna fire her, are you?
MARILYN: You know, I trust everyone implicitly. Until they betray that trust. And then they are dead to me forever. I'm just going to wait back here. Will, take care of it.
[MARILYN WALKS BACK TOWARDS WILL'S BEDROOM.]
WILL: Why me?
MARILYN: It's easier for you. You're cold, like your father. I am much too warm.
[MARILYN WALKS INTO THE BEDROOM.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] I am not gonna fire Fiona. You have to tell Mom that you did it. Yes, my mom will torture you forever. But what's worse? That, or the knowledge that you cost an innocent woman her livelihood?
GRACE: Well, when you put it like that, I guess the choice is pretty clear...
FIONA: Hello, hello.
GRACE: You're fired.
WILL: N-n-no, you're not!
GRACE: Yes, you are. Get out, you Lladro-breaking leprechaun.
[GRACE PUSHES FIONA OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: Hey, hey, hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! You monster.
[WILL PULLS GRACE AWAY FROM FIONA.]
WILL: [TO FIONA] You are not fired. Mom! Mom, Grace did it! Grace broke the Lladro!
[MARILYN ENTERS THE ROOM.]
MARILYN: I knew it, I knew it all along.
WILL: What? You knew?
MARILYN: Oh, give me a little credit. Grace had her paws in the cashews all afternoon.
GRACE: So this was--this was all a game?
WILL: You--you were playing us?
GRACE: Marilyn, I am so sorry I broke it. And I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.
WILL: I'm sorry too. Although, any wrong doing on my part can probly be traced to the fact that I had no human contact for the first year of my life.
GRACE: Oh, Marilyn, I hope that we can put this behind us.
MARILYN. Hm. We can. Let's pretend it never happened. [TO FIONA] Come on, Fiona, let's go. Oh! Before I forget...
[MARILYN PULLS A SMALL BOX OUT HER BAG.]
MARILYN: [TO GRACE] Happy holidays, Grace. The chocolates you loved at my house.
[MARILYN PUTS THE BOX OF CANDY ON THE COFFEE TABLE.]
GRACE: Thank you.
MARILYN: [SMILES] Enjoy.
[MARILYN AND FIONA EXIT.]
GRACE: Will, see, your mother can forgive and forget.
[GRACE PICKS UP THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES.]
WILL: I wouldn't.
[WILL TAKES THE BOX AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.]