Original Airdate 11/25/2004
Written by Kirk J. Rudell
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Bobby Cannavale (Vince)
Lee Garlington (Annette)
Robert Costanzo (Paul)
Jamie-Lynn DiScala (Ro)
Josh Keaton (Salvatore)
Marissa Matrone (Aunt Angie)
Benjamin Spunger (Matt)
Gina Morelli (Grandma)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE ALONE WHEN JACK AND KAREN RUSH IN.]
JACK: Are we late?
KAREN: Did we miss breakfast?
[JACK AND KAREN RUN TO THE TABLE AND SIT DOWN WITH GRACE.]
GRACE: The guy hasn't even taken my order yet.
JACK: Ugh, unbelievable. I don't know what's happened to the work ethic in this country.
GRACE: Don't you have a job to be at?
JACK: I promised myself I wouldn't repeat outfits. So, uh, until I go shopping again, I'm not going back.
GRACE: Oh, I'm so hungry, I am this close to actually getting up and pouring myself a glass of juice.
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, don't talk crazy. I'm starving too, but we're not gonna feed ourselves like a fat family on a camping trip. And, when you pour your own glass of juice, you are taking a job away from someone who came to this country in a crate or an innertube.
JACK: This is torture. Can we talk about something besides food?
GRACE: Okay. This is a little embarrassing, but I had the weirdest dream last night--
KAREN: Oh, honey... is it the one where you're wearing sweats that make you look like a large formless piece of clay?
[KAREN PULLS GRACE'S HOOD UP OVER HER HEAD.]
KAREN: 'Cause that ain't no dream.
GRACE: Sorry I don't look my best. I guess, unlike you, I didn't take my head out of a hat box and staple it to my neck. Anyway, no, it's a recurring dream. I keep having it over and over and over and over.
JACK: I see. Is this the first time you've had it?
GRACE: That's a good question, Jack. Okay, anyway. In my dream, I'm on the subway completely naked. And then, all of a sudden, that hot gardener from "Desperate Housewives" gets on, and he puts his hand on my breast. Then that hot smart guy from "Jeopardy!" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Then that hot Korean guy from "Lost" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Oh, yeah, in this dream I have three breasts.
JACK: Mm-hmm, I see. Well, I would say that dream represents your fear of dentists. [NODS] Perhaps I'm just saying that because my dentist is hot, smart, and Korean. And, for all I know, tri-breasted. [CHUCKLES]
GRACE: I think I just need to have sex.
KAREN: Honey, you know, you and I are going through the same exact thing. I haven't had sex in a while either. We just need to get back on the horse. Or, better yet, get back on the man.
JACK: I can't take it anymore. I'm so hungry. I'm gonna have one of these pumpkin candies.
[JACK PICKS UP ONE OF THE SMALL PUMPKIN DECORATIONS ON THE TABLE AND TRIES TO BITE INTO IT.]
JACK: Ow! Now I'll have to call Dr. Hung.
KAREN: Okay, you know what? This is just rude. And if there is one thing I cannot abide, it is rudeness!
[KAREN GETS UP AND POUNDS ON THE BATHROOM DOOR AND KICKS IT.]
KAREN: Hey, homo, we're hungry out here!
[WILL EXITS FROM THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: Here's an idea. How about three big bowls of "Get-out-io's"? There's sugar on one side, and I'm not your damn cook on the other!
JACK: I'd like mine with bananas, please.
WILL: I don't have time to make breakfast today. I'm meeting Vince's mom.
GRACE: But we're all going over there for Thanksgiving in two days. Why don't you just meet her then?
WILL: I need a head start. Vince says she's a tough cookie.
GRACE: Oh, that doesn't sound so bad.
WILL: Yeah, what he actually said was that she's already decided to hate me and good luck.
JACK: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
WILL: Apparently she's never liked any of his boyfriends. So I'm gonna take her for a day of shopping. You know, give her a whole pretty woman makeover. Without spending more than $100.
GRACE: Where're you taking her shopping? Flint, Michigan?
WILL: Well, I just--I want to get to know her, ya know. So I can tell her how honored I am to meet her, and how much it means to me to become part of her family. You know, just generally blow a bunch of smoke up her fat ass.
KAREN: Honey, you know what else is fun? Blowing smoke into a dog's mouth.
SCENE II: The Corner Café
[KAREN, GRACE, AND JACK ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WAITING...]
GRACE: Where's that waiter? I'm so hungry. I knew I shouldn't have given my Powerbar to that homeless woman. I tried to get it back, but her kid was just grippin' it too tightly.
JACK: Service here always stinks. How come this place got such a good write-up in the Faggot's Guide? [SIGHS]
KAREN: [SIGHS] Honey, it's pronounced "fa-GATZ."
GRACE: Actually, fools, it's Zagat's.
JACK: Uh, not this one.
[JACK PULLS OUT A LITTLE RED BOOK AND FLIPS IT OPEN AND SHOWS IT TO GRACE.]
JACK: It rates restaurants based on cuteness of the wait staff. [POINTS] You see here. This one got five smiley butts.
GRACE: Ooh! Speakin' of butts, had another sex dream last night. This time I was in the shower with Barack Obama. Oh-bama, he was ba-rocking my world.
JACK: Well, you better do it soon. You know what they say. If you don't use it, it'll fall off.
GRACE: What exactly will fall off?
JACK: I don't know. I don't know what you guys have down there.
KAREN: Oh, honey, let me explain. Imagine the most beautiful flower you've ever seen. Its petals opening as it's gently touched by the sun.
KAREN: Now imagine a vagina next to it.
GRACE: See, even that made me horny.
JACK: [SCOFFS] Where is that stupid waiter? You just know that idiot got all our orders mixed up. [SIGHS]
KAREN: Well, here comes the swarthy immigrant now.
[WILL WALKS UP, CARRYING FOUR MUGS OF COFFEE. HE SETS THE MUGS ON THE TABLE.]
KAREN: Don't think you're gettin' a tip.
WILL: Oh, that's okay. Just the privilege of ordering it, paying for it, and hauling it over here is reward enough.
JACK: Ooh, sassy waiters, just like the guide promised.
[JACK GIVES WILL A SMACK ON THE BEHIND.]
VINCE: Well, it's official. My mother's toe's broken.
WILL: Oh, no.
GRACE: What happened?
VINCE: Didn't Will tell you?
WILL: [NERVOUSLY] Uh, I thought I did. Ya know, we, uh, we went shopping. And she--she fell. It was nothing. It was no big deal, you know. Certainly no one's fault. Heh...
VINCE: "No one's fault"? He pressured her into trying on these four-inch hooker heels. And then he told her to "work it, girl." [SNAPS HIS FINGERS]
WILL: Okay, in hindsight maybe it wasn't a good idea to make her climb up on the display case and... shake her "groove thang," but you know-- She was having fun up until the time that she fell, and her skirt hiked up, and she showed her groove thang to the whole store.
JACK: Well, she sounds like a ball of fun. I can't wait to meet her tomorrow. She's a hooker, you say?
VINCE: Well, you can all forget about it. You can forget it, because Thanksgiving's cancelled.
KAREN: Why, does she cook with her feet?
VINCE: This is gonna be the first Thanksgiving we're not together as a family since we came over on the Mayflower.
[EVERYONE LOOKS AT VINCE CONFUSED.]
VINCE: Mayflower Movers. Before Queens, we lived in Bayonne.
GRACE: Great. No sex, and now no turkey.
KAREN: Either way, no stuffin' for you.
WILL: Hang on. [TO VINCE] What about if you and I cook Thanksgiving? We can do the whole thing at your mother's house. She wouldn't have to lift a finger.
JACK: Of course she won't, she cooks with her feet.
VINCE: [SIGHS] I don't know. My mom likes Thanksgiving to be just so. She's not too thrilled with you right now, you know. You could be setting yourself up for a disaster.
WILL: Or am I setting myself up to be a hero? [IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT] Pa, who's that handsome stranger who saved Thanksgiving? Well, Ma, I reckon it's our son's boyfriend.
VINCE: Yeah, I live in Flushing, not the oddly tolerant Ozarks.
WILL: Trust me, by the end of the evening she'll not only have forgiven me, she'll be thankin' me.
VINCE: All right, let's give it a shot.
GRACE: Hey, don't worry-- Will is known for his perfect Thanksgivings. Except the one where he proposed to me, told me he was gay, and then snuck out in the middle of the night while I was sobbing in bed. But I hardly ever think about that one.
SCENE III: The D'Angelo Home, Flushing, Queens
[WILL AND VINCE ENTER THE KITCHEN, CARRYING GROCERY BAGS.]
WILL: What a cute neighborhood. I always thought Queens was just a place to bury bodies or buy discount meat.
VINCE: Queens gets a bad rap. It doesn't help that we got a town called Flushing.
VINCE: Makes you think of poop.
WILL: Yeah, I got it. Well, so this is it, huh? Family kitchen. I bet there's a lot of history here.
VINCE: Yeah, sure is. Right there-- [POINTING] That's the spot my uncle got shot. And, uh... [POINTING] That's where I was standing when I accidentally shot my uncle.
WILL: Whereas I was thinking less along the lines of bloodshed, and more along the lines of pasta dinners.
VINCE: Yeah, uh, don't say "whereas" in front of my mom. She already thinks you're a preening sadistic boob. I'm paraphrasing.
WILL: Don't you worry. Whatever she dishes out I can take. Today I have the patience of a saint. And, from looking around the room, I have plenty to choose from.
[VINCE'S SISTER, RO, ENTERS THE KITCHEN.]
VINCE: Hey, Ro.
[VINCE AND RO HUG AND KISS.]
VINCE: Ro, this is Will. Will, this is my sister Ro.
RO: Nice to meet you.
WILL: You too.
RO: He's pretty--put a mustache on him, he's cousin Gina.
WILL: Thank you. And congratulations, I hear you're getting married. That's great.
RO: Yeah, Matt's an amazing guy. He went to summer camp with Renée Zellweger. But that's not the only reason I'm marrying him.
WILL: Wow, sounds fascinating. Can't wait to meet him.
PAUL [VOICE]: Is that my Vinnie?
VINCE: Oh, now that's my dad. Listen, don't let him get to you. He can be a real S.O.B. Okay?
[VINCE'S FATHER, PAUL, ENTERS THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY HIS WIFE, ANNETTE. SHE LIMPS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH THE HELP OF A CANE.]
PAUL: And there he is--Hey!
[PAUL GIVES VINCE A BIG HUG.]
ANNETTE: I thought I heard someone in our kitchen. Hey, honey.
[ANNETTE GIVES VINCE A KISS ON THE CHEEK.]
WILL: Hi, Annette. Good to see you up and around. What a very stylish cane. It suits you.
ANNETTE: Would you like me to climb up on the counter so you can take a better look at it?
WILL: [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] I'm glad we can all laugh about it. 'Cause... 'cause it's the best medicine.
PAUL: Vince, you gonna introduce me?
VINCE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] See how he starts right in? [TO PAUL] Yeah, I know. I'm rude and you're disappointed, Dad.
WILL: [TO PAUL] I'm Will. Nice to meet you, Paul. I'm so sorry about your wife's toe.
PAUL: Ah, it happens. One time I was reaching for the grated cheese and I broke her jaw. Hey. [TO VINCE] You look good, Vince.
VINCE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] See it? It's just one dig after another.
WILL: Yeah, he's merciless. [TO ANNETTE] Listen, Annette, Vince gave me all of your recipes, and I want you to know I'm gonna cook everything just the way you do.
ANNETTE: No, you're not. I woulda cooked it with two good feet.
SCENE IV: The D'Angelo Home
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. WILL OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S GRACE, KAREN, AND JACK.]
WILL: Hey, you made it!
GRACE: Barely. You told us to look for the house with the El Dorado parked out front. There's, like, 17 on this side of the street alone.
JACK: Happy Thanksgiving, William. You missed all the drama at the parade today. Underdog got loose and mounted Bart Simpson.
WILL: So, I guess, really, his name should be Topdog.
GRACE: Mmm, it smells so good in here.
KAREN: For God's sake, Grace, don't draw attention to your nose.
WILL: Now, remember, everything you do here tonight is a reflection on me.
JACK: I understand completely, Will. Your large shiny forehead needs some powder. [LOOKING INTO WILL'S FOREHEAD] I, on the other hand, look fantastic.
KAREN: Hey, don't hog the forehead!
[KAREN PULLS OUT SOME LIP GLOSS AND LOOKS INTO WILL'S FOREHEAD.]
WILL: Stop it, you bat. Look, just try to be friendly. Get to know people. Talk me up, mingle.
KAREN: All right, all right. Which one of them did you say had the little problem with OxyContin?
[VINCE'S AUNT ANGIE PEEKS AROUND THE CORNER.]
ANGIE: Oh, that'd be me.
KAREN: Let's get to know each other.
[ANGIE AND KAREN WALK OFF INTO THE OTHER ROOM.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] How's it goin'?
WILL: Vince's mother is still riding me about the toe. I don't even think it was broken. I mean, half the foot was bunion. The mall paramedics almost threw up when they saw it.
GRACE: Don't worry about the mom. I am here to make you look good. And I'm not gonna leave your side until I do.
[VINCE'S YOUNG COUSIN SALVATORE ENTERS THE HOUSE. HE'S WEARING A TANKTOP AND IS GREASY AND DIRTY.]
SAL: [TO GRACE] Hey.
GRACE: [TO SAL] Hey.
SAL: [LOUDLY TO PAUL, WHO IS NOT IN THE ROOM] Hey, Uncle Paul, the El Dorado's fixed! I'm gonna go shower.
WILL: Thanks, Grace. It would be great--
GRACE: Buzz off, there's a hot guy here.
[GRACE WALKS OFF, FOLLOWING SAL.]
[WILL WALKS OVER TO JACK, WHO IS STANDING ON THE STAIRS.]
WILL: What are you doing? I told you to mingle.
JACK: Grace took the guy I wanted to mingle with.
WILL: Well, mingle with Vince's sister Ro. She's a teacher. She has a condo in Astoria. She's getting married.
JACK: [FLATLY] Oh, yay. [PULLS HIS ARM LIKE A SLOT MACHINE] Lemon, lemon, lemon. I win a dull night.
[JACK WALKS OFF.]
[ANNETTE LIMPS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]
WILL: Annette, can I get you a chair?
ANNETTE: No. It's better I stand, get used to the pain.
WILL: Annette, you make passive aggressive so adorable. [CHUCKLES]
[PAUL AND VINCE ENTER FROM THE PATIO.]
PAUL: [TO VINCE] I'm gettin' a beer. You want me to grab you one?
VINCE: Yeah, Dad, I drink. That's why I haven't made detective.
[PAUL WALKS OFF TO THE KITCHEN.]
VINCE: [TO WILL] That's it. I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna confront him.
WILL: No, no, not tonight, you're not.
VINCE: I have to. I'm angry. And anger is the number one enemy of the hair follicle. I will not lose my hair for that man.
WILL: Look. You are not making any scenes tonight. You've put up with that man's imaginary taunts for years now. You can last one more day. Besides, if anything goes wrong tonight, Mussolini in the blonde rinse is gonna blame it all on me.
VINCE: Fine. Let me just-- [RUNS HIS HANDS THROUGH HIS HAIR AND LOOKS AT HIS HANDS.] No one's jumpin' ship yet. I'll wait.
[GRACE WALKS IN AND FINDS KAREN.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Karen, the most incredible thing just happened to me.
KAREN: You found something in this living room worth more than 20 bucks?
GRACE: No, no, I met the hottest guy.
[SALVATORE WALKS PAST KAREN AND GRACE.]
SAL: [TO GRACE] Hey.
[SALVATORE WALKS UPSTAIRS.]
KAREN: Oh, honey, him? Oh, he's cute. You should do him.
GRACE: I can't, that's so inappropriate, and where?
KAREN: Anywhere. For God's sake, half the house is covered in plastic.
[KAREN MOTIONS TO THE SOFA AND CHAIRS, WHICH ARE INDEED COVERED IN PLASTIC.]
GRACE: How would I even do it?
KAREN: All right, Grace, imagine the most beautiful flower you've ever seen--
KAREN: Its petals opening--
GRACE: Karen, I know how to do it. I just don't know how to make it happen. It's been a long time.
KAREN: You're rusty, huh? The old whore is rusty. All right, well, honey, you want me to go talk to him?
GRACE: No, you can't, that's so inappropriate, and when?
KAREN: As soon as this generic OxyContin wears off. It won't be long. I'm starting to get the feeling back in my tongue.
[ACROSS THE ROOM, RO IS SITTING DOWN BY THE WINDOW. JACK WALKS UP TO HER.]
JACK: Hello, Ro. Her-ro. [CHUCKLES] I'm Jack, Will's friend. Not like Will and your brother are "friends". Okay? You know, one day they'll eventually be "roommates". And then the proud parents of a Chinese girl.
RO: I know my brother's gay. I've known it since he beat up some guy in high school when he said Lee Majors looked dopey.
JACK: Ah, yes. Who hasn't had that fight?
[JACK PULLS UP A CHAIR AND SITS DOWN WITH RO.]
JACK: All right, mingle me this: Are you nervous about your wedding?
RO: Kind of, 'cause I'm a lesbian.
JACK: A lesbo says what?
RO: I am sorry to dump that on you, but this has been eating me up. I had to tell someone.
JACK: Well, what about your brother? He's gayish.
RO: It seemed easier to do it with a stranger with a sweet face.
JACK: Oh, it is, you just gotta know the right parks. Oh, you mean me! Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, of course. Of course. I'm so sorry.
RO: What am I gonna do? I can't get married. The thought of my fiancé's touch sickens me. I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian! Oh, my God, it feels so good to say it out loud.
[RO'S FIANCE, MATT, WALKS UP.]
MATT: Hey, babe.
RO: Hi, honey!
[MATT AND RO HUG.]
[WILL WALKS INTO THE DINING ROOM AND PUTS A BOWL ONTO THE TABLE. GRACE IS STANDING BY THE TABLE.]
WILL: Oof. It's hard to pull off an Italian Thanksging. I got a lot of bocce balls in the air. How's it going?
GRACE: Good, good. Uh, does my bra look stuffed?
GRACE: Damn, I just stuffed it.
[WILL LOOKS CONFUSED AND WALKS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.]
[GRACE LOOKS ACROSS THE ROOM. KAREN IS TALKING TO SAL BY THE STAIRS.]
GRACE: What is Karen doing over there? God, I hope she's playing it cool.
KAREN: Hey, cannoli, see that hummentashen over there?
[KAREN MOTIONS TO GRACE, WHO POSES AND BENDS OVER THE DINING ROOM TABLE.]
KAREN: How'd you like to hit that?
[MATT AND RO ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA. JACK IS STANDING NEARBY.]
MATT: [TO RO] So sweetie, I'll go get you a drink, and I'll be right back.
RO: Thanks, babe.
[MATT GETS UP AND WLAKS OFF.]
RO: [TO JACK] God, I hate him. A nice guy, but-- I can't get through sex with him without pretending he's Renée Zellweger. I met her once. Matt went to camp with her. It's the only reason I'm marrying him.
JACK: Yeah, okay. Listen. Ro...
[JACK SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA. HE SLIDES OFF THE PLASTIC AND ONTO THE FLOOR.]
JACK: I'm so sorry.
RO: Are you okay?
JACK: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
[RO HELPS JACK UP OFF THE FLOOR.]
RO: Wanna hold my hand?
[JACK SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND SLIDES OFF ONTO THE FLOOR.]
[JACK JUMPS UP ONTO THE COUCH AND FINALLY MAKES IT.]
RO: There you go.
JACK: Okay. I'm not a therapist, though I do own a monocle, but it seems to me, perhaps you should not marry him.
RO: But I have to. My parents have been dreaming about my wedding forever. It'll kill them to know that their only girl loves only girls.
JACK: Whoa, what are you talking about? Your parents have done everything right. They raised all their kids gay. Why would they not accept you?
RO: It's different with Vince. He's a guy, and we're Italian. All Italian guys are gay.
JACK: That's because the country's shaped like a thigh-high boot.
[JACK RUNS HIS FINGER UP RO'S THIGH-HIGH BOOT.]
RO: Look, you're the only person who knows, so please don't tell anyone.
JACK: Well, I won't, but you have to, Ro. And this is the perfect opportunity. [CLEARS THROAT] Thanksgiving celebrates the day the girl Indians first introduced the girl pilgrims to sex. Yeah, they called it "maize". Because lesbian sex is very confusing, and if you're not careful, one can lose their way.
RO: So you're saying I should come out today?
JACK: Yes! At dinner. You can wave a turkey leg for emphasis.
[SAL WALKS INTO THE DINING ROOM, UP TO GRACE.]
SAL: I'm Sal.
SAL: So you wanna see the garage?
[GRACE FOLLOWS SAL OUT THROUGH THE PATIO DOORS.]
[IN THE KITCHEN, WILL PICKS UP A PLATE TO BRING OUT TO THE TABLE. AS HE GETS TO THE DOOR, IT SUDDENLY OPENS AND HITS THE PLATE. WILL SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL.]
VINCE: Ah! Don't do that! That's-- Kinda how I shot my uncle.
[WILL LOOKS AT THE FOOD ON THE FLOOR.]
WILL: Oh. I'm gonna throw 'em out and start again.
[WILL BENDS DOWN AND PICKS THE FOOD UP OFF THE FLOOR.]
VINCE: Don't worry about it. This is Queens. Three second rule's like a three day rule.
WILL: No. No, no, no. I'm gonna throw them out. Your mom will know. She's a witch. I mean, she's darling. Heh heh..
[WILL DUMPS THE PLATE INTO THE GARBAGE.]
VINCE: Why are you doing this to yourself?
WILL: Look. You're important to me. And--and--and-- Your family is important to you, and what kind of future are we gonna have together if--if I'm not accepted here?
VINCE: That's sweet. But, Will, I really think you're reading way too much into everything my mother says.
[PAUL PEEKS HIS HEAD INTO THE KITCHEN]
PAUL: Hey, there you are. Vinnie boy, you wanna go downstairs and get the leaf for the dining room table?
[VINCE FOLLOWS HIS DAD OUT.]
VINCE: We can't do it together? Would it kill you to spend some time with me?!
[WILL TURNS AROUND AND WASHES HIS HANDS IN THE SINK.]
[ANNETTE SILENTLY ENTERS THE KITCHEN. WILL TURNS AROUND AND IS STARTLED TO SEE HER.]
ANNETTE: You shouldn't do that. That's kinda how Vince shot his uncle.
WILL: Annette. I had the feeling our paths would cross again.
ANNETTE: Why are you talking like that?
WILL: I don't know, it just seemed appropriate, the way you appeared out of the mist like a Nazi soldier.
ANNETTE: You seem nervous, Will. Like maybe you think you gotta impress me or something.
WILL: I don't?
ANNETTE: No, you do. You know, this family's got a lot of happy occasions coming up: Christmas, New Year's, Ro's wedding. You think you're gonna be here for all of 'em?
WILL: I'd like to think I am.
ANNETTE: And I'd like to think I'm gonna dance again.
WILL: I know one thing for sure. By the end of the night, you're gonna love me.
ANNETTE: [SCOFFS] I doubt it. I've yet to meet a man who's good enough for my son. Believe me, it would have to be one hell of a perfect evening for me to feel that way about you.
WILL: Is that a challenge, Annette?
ANNETTE: It might be.
WILL: Then meet me on the airfield with the letters of transit. Come alone.
ANNETTE: I don't know what the hell that was, but I don't like it!
[ANNETTE EXITS THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: I thought we were doing a thing! Oh, damn it!
[JACK ENTERS THE KITCHEN.]
JACK: Oh, God. There you are. I've been looking all over for you. This two-bedroom attached house is like a Rubik's Cube.
WILL: How's it going out there?
JACK: Great! Big news. The wedding's off. Ro is a lesbian and she's gonna tell everybody at dinner tonight. If you never told me to talk to her, I woulda never convinced her to come out today. But don't worry, buddy. I'll give you all the credit.
[WILL SQUEEZES THE TURKEY BASTER AND IT SPRAYS ALL OVER THE KITCHEN.]
[WILL FOLLOWS JACK INTO THE DINING ROOM.]
WILL: [QUEITLY] Jack, she cannot come out tonight! Because if she does, her mother is somehow gonna blame it on me. This has to be the perfect dinner, and I'm not gonna let you or any other lesbian ruin it.
JACK: Will, don't be so insensitive. Put yourself in her Birkenstocks.
WILL: Look, I think it's great that she wants to come out. I-I'm sure she has all the makings of a wonderful lesbian and she's going to make a bunch of cats a fine mother someday. But not today. Today is my day!
JACK: Wildred Pierce! I am ashamed of you! And not just because your hands are out of proportion to the rest of your body. This is one of the hardest things for a gay person to do, and being a lesbian is very close to being a gay person. You made me come out to my mother on Thanksgiving. It was the best decision of my life. Why would you wanna deny her that?
WILL: [SIGHS] You're right. She should come out whenever she's ready. I'm being selfish. Where is she?
JACK: Watching football.
WILL: Of course she is.
[GRACE ENTERS FROM THE PATIO AND WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
GRACE: Karen. I did it.
KAREN: You put lipstick on all the Virgin Marys around the house?
GRACE: No, no, not yet.
[SAL ENTERS, WALKING PAST GRACE.]
SAL: [TO GRACE] Hey.
GRACE: [TO SAL] Hey...
[GRACE AND KAREN GIGGLE.]
GRACE: I made out with him. It was so hot! And his tongue was everywhere. I swear he tried to unhook my bra with it.
KAREN: Honey, I can roll dice with my tongue.
[KAREN FLICKS HER TONGUE.]
GRACE: Karen, you were so right. It was just what I needed. You should really take your own advice one of these days and get back in there.
KAREN: No, honey, that's not for me. I mean, I know I talk a good game, but... well... I guess I can tell ya. Grace, I'm a virgin. I've never even seen a man's tenders.
[KAREN AND GRACE LAUGH.]
KAREN: Actually, I'm up to 1,400.
[WILL WALKS OVER TO RO, WHO IS SITTING ON THE SOFA.]
WILL: Hey, Ro. Listen, Jack told me all about what you told him, and I just want you to know I couldn't be happier.
RO: What? He told you?
WILL: Oh no no-- Only because he knows how supportive and sensitive I am.
RO: Oh, thank you. Keeping it in has been such a struggle--
WILL: Yeah. I'm talking. Look-- I just want you to be absolutely sure. You may not be a lesbian. I mean, everybody fantasizes about Angelina Jolie. Yeah, I told my trainer I want her stomach.
[RO IS STARING OFF INTO SPACE.]
[WILL WAVES HIS HAND IN FRONT OF HER FACE.]
RO: I'm sorry. I got distracted when you mentioned Angelina Jolie. I kept picturing her with Renée. Could you imagine if they went to the same camp?
WILL: Okay, you are a lesbian. Congratulations, and--and welcome. But, um-- Do you--do you need to come out today?
RO: Well, Jack told me that's what Thanksgiving is for.
WILL: Oh, Jack. No, dear. No. Thanksgiving is traditionally when gay men come out. Lesbians come out at Christmas. I think it has something to do with all the bulky sweaters.
RO: Well, that does make sense. Plus, I like the whole message of Christmas. You know, that a woman can have a baby without a man.
[ANNETTE AND JACK ARE SITTING TOGETHER ON A LOVE SEAT.]
ANNETTE: So. Ro and Matt, they're getting married at Saint Mel's.
JACK: Oh, Saint Mel's. My favorite saint. I love the way he used to boss around Alice.
[VINCE WALKS UP TO HIS DAD, WHO IS SITTING IN A CHAIR BY THE TV.]
VINCE: Hey, Dad, Dallas score yet?
PAUL: I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention.
VINCE: To the game or to my life, Dad? [LOOKS AT HIS SHOULDERS] Oh, man. I got jumpers.
[VINCE STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO JACK.]
VINCE: Hey, Jack. Listen, you've been here. Is it just me or is my dad weird to me?
JACK: Oh, my God, he's a monster!
VINCE: Thank you. Thank you. I thought it was-- I thought it was all in my mind.
JACK: Yeah, which one is he again?
[KAREN EXITS FROM THE BATHROOM, LOOKING ALL DISHEVELED.]
KAREN: Hi, honey.
[KAREN LEANS AGAINST THE PIANO TO STEADY HERSELF.]
GRACE: Karen, why are you all--
[SALVATORE EXITS THE BATHROOM.]
SAL: [TO KAREN] Hey.
KAREN: [TO SAL] Hey.
SAL: Here's your dice back.
[SAL DROPS A PAIR OF DICE INTO KAREN'S HANDS AND WALKS OFF.]
GRACE: [SHOUTING] Hey!
KAREN: Whoo. Oh, yeah.
GRACE: What did you do?
KAREN: Oh, honey, you were right. That was just what I needed. Oh, that hunky spaghetti jockey chewed my ear like he was at an all-you-can-eat calamari bar.
GRACE: How could you?
KAREN: What? You told me to.
GRACE: Not with my guy!
KAREN: Well, honey, I didn't plan it. After I pulled his shirt off, we had nothing left to talk about.
[SAL WALKS OVER TO VINCE AND JACK.]
SAL: Hey, Vince.
VINCE: What are you smiling about?
JACK: [TO SAL] Hey.
SAL: [TO JACK] Hey.
GRACE AND KAREN: Hey!!
[SAL WALKS PAST JACK AND VINCE AND PULLS OUT A CELL PHONE.]
VINCE: [TO JACK] Just got his learner's permit. Thinks he's the coolest 16-year-old in Queens.
[OVER IN THE DINING ROOM, GRACE AND KAREN ARE WATCHING SAL.]
GRACE: I'm so into him.
KAREN: Yeah? Well, I'm double into him.
GRACE: Well, I'm gonna ask him out.
KAREN: I'm gonna ask him to move in.
GRACE: He gave me a hickey.
KAREN: He gave me a child. I am pregnant, Grace!
GRACE: No, you're not. You can't get pregnant from kissing.
KAREN: Oh, thank God! Whew.
GRACE: Look, I am not sharing him with you. I think that Sal is serious relationship material.
[SAL IS OVER BY THE FRONT DOOR, TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE.]
SAL: [INTO PHONE] Dude, I just macked on two old ladies.
[SAL LOOKS OVER AT KAREN AND GRACE. THEY WAVE TO HIM.]
SAL: [INTO PHONE] I might need to borrow your dad's shed later.
[IN THE KITCHEN, WILL IS COOKING. VINCE ENTERS.]
VINCE: Baby cousin Sal is such a good little host. He gave Grace a tour of my bedroom. Now he's giving it to Karen.
WILL: Yeah. I had a peek at it before. When did your mom turn it into a sewing room?
VINCE: She didn't. It's exactly how I left it. That's my old Singer and my old sewing trophies.
ANNETTE: How's everything going in here? Don't mind me. I'm just getting some ice for my injury.
[ANNETTE PULLS A BAG OF ICE OUT OF THE FREEZER.]
ANNETTE: You know we usually eat at 4:00. It's ten 'til.
WILL: Don't you worry, everything's gonna be perfect.
ANNETTE: Who you trying to convince? Me or you?
[ANNETTE EXITS THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: [CHUCKLES] Man, if she were my mom, I'd have sewn myself a noose.
[IN THE OTHER ROOM, JACK AND RO ARE SITTING AT A CARD TABLE PLAYING CARDS.]
JACK: Oh, Ro, I'm so excited you're coming out tonight. You're finding yourself. You're growing up. It's like a lesbian Judy Blume book. Are you there, God? It's me, Marge!
RO: Yeah, I'm not doing it tonight. I decided to wait until Christmas.
JACK: What? No! You have to. [GASPS] It was Will, wasn't it? He got to you with his devilish charm and those piercing eyes and occasional touch, you never know what it means. [SMILING TO HIMSELF] Ah, Will....
RO: It just seemed to make sense to wait. Plus Matt has his camp reunion the first week in December and there's a rumor Renée Zellweger may show up. Have you seen her as a brunette? [PURRS]
JACK: But if you do it now, you'll get Christmas presents that you can actually use. Like a chunky diving watch. Or a little camera you can make documentaries with.
RO: I do have an idea for a short on female iron workers. I have just the Ani DiFranco song to play over the credits.
JACK: There you go. See, it's not healthy to keep something like that bottled up. It's not fair to you or Matt.
RO: You're right. I have to tell them. Thank you. Has anyone ever told you you're a very wise man?
JACK: No, they have not. [JACK LAYS HIS CARDS DOWN] Gin.
RO: We've been playing poker.
JACK: Then poker.
[IN THE DINING ROOM, WILL IS GETTING THE TABLE READY AS VINCE STANDS BY WATCHING HIS DAD, WHO IS EATING PEANUTS WHILE WATCHING TV.]
VINCE: Look at him. Just sitting there eating his peanuts like he wishes I was never even born.
WILL: Funny, he just looks like a man eating peanuts to me.
PAUL: Hey, Vince. Does this color look okay to you?
VINCE: I dunno, I guess it looks kinda red.
PAUL: You're right.
VINCE: I am? [EMOTIONAL] Thank you for validating me, Daddy. I love you.
PAUL. I love you too. No, it's not red, it's green!
[VINCE SCOFFS AND WALKS OFF, SULKING.]
GRACE: Karen, this is crazy. It's the holidays. I don't wanna be fighting over a guy with you.
KAREN: Honey, I don't either.
KAREN: Of course.
[KAREN AND GRACE HUG.]
SAL: Hey, free seat by me.
GRACE: Outta the way, skank.
[GRACE PUSHES KAREN AWAY AND RUNS AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE NEXT TO SAL.]
SAL: [TO GRACE] Hey.
[NANA IS SITTING IN HER WHEELCHAIR ON THE OTHER SIDE OF SAL.]
KAREN: [TO NANA] Darling, I'm gonna back you up. Just a smidge.
[KAREN BACKS NANA'S WHEELCHAIR FROM THE TABLE AND PUSHES IT INTO THE LIVING ROOM. SHE GRABS A CHAIR AND SITS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF SAL.]
KAREN: [TO SAL] Hey.
SAL: [TO KAREN] Hey.
GRACE: [TO SAL] You know, I think it's hot when grown men are still into comic books.
KAREN: [TO SAL] I think it's hot that you call me "mrs".
GRACE: [TO SAL] Would you like some wine?
KAREN:[TO SAL] How 'bout something from the bar?
[KAREN OPENS HER PURSE AND JINGLES SOME BOTTLES.]
SAL: Oh, nice! Hey, can I take some for my buddies?
[SAL REACHES INTO KAREN'S PURSE AS AUNT ANGIE ENTERS THE DINING ROOM.]
ANGIE: Sal, what the hell are you doing?
SAL: These ladies said I could, Ma.
ANGIE: What the hell are you doing giving alcohol to a 16-year-old?
NANA: Angie? Angie?
[NANA WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]
ANGIE: Nana, what are you doing in the middle of the floor?
[NANA SAYS SOMETHING IN ITALIAN.]
ANGIE: You still trying to get to that piano? All right, all right, I'll put you by it. But you're gonna miss dinner again.
[ANGIE PARKS NANA IN FRONT OF THE PIANO.]
[WILL WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: Okay, five minutes to dinner, everybody!
ANNETTE: Your little friends were causing a commotion over there. I hope that there's not any kind of problem.
WILL: Problem? Only if having too much fun is a problem. Heh heh heh...
[WILL WALKS OVER TO GRACE, KAREN, AND SAL.]
WILL: [ANNOYED WHISPER] Is there some kinda problem here?!
GRACE: Well, it depends. Karen and I made out with Vince's 16-year-old cousin. You're the lawyer. You tell me.
WILL: Oh, my God. This is a nightmare! [TO SAL] Or in your case, a dream come true. Okay, okay. Nobody can find out. Don't tell anybody.
GRACE: I'm not telling anyone.
KAREN: I'm not telling anyone.
SAL: Oh, I'm telling everyone! I've been emailing pictures of it from my camera phone for the last half hour.
KAREN: [GIGGLING] You said those were just for you.
[WILL PULLS SAL OFF TO THE SIDE.]
WILL: Okay, Sal? How about this? If you keep your mouth shut 'til tomorrow, I'll let you touch that girl's boobs again before she leaves.
SAL: Which boobs?
WILL: Which ones do you want?
SAL: The big ones.
[SAL SITS BACK IN HIS SEAT.]
WILL: Good. Crisis averted.
[WILL WALKS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.]
[JACK TAKES RO BY THE HAND AND BEGINS RINGING A BELL.]
JACK: Okay, everyone! Ro has an announcement she'd like to make.
[WILL ENTERS THE ROOM.]
WILL: Oh, for God's sake.
JACK: And, uh, well, not to tip anything, but "lez" all be quiet.
WILL: Hey, could I just borrow Ro for a second?
MATT: Are you trying to steal my girl?
WILL: Oh, I don't think I could.
[WILL PULLS RO OFF TO THE SIDE.]
WILL: [QUEITLY TO RO] Look, I know how important this announcement is to you. Again, congratulations and welcome. You'll be receiving your kit in a few weeks. But if you can keep your mouth shut until tomorrow, I'll let you touch that girl's boobs before she leaves.
RO: Which boobs?
WILL: Which ones do you want?
RO: The smaller ones.
PAUL: [TO RO] Come on, what's the announcement, pumpkin?
RO: I just wanna say how much I love my fiancé.
MATT: Oh, that is so sweet.
[MATT STANDS UP TO HUG RO.]
RO: Oh, please don't. Don't touch me.
[WILL WALKS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. VINCE IS CARVING THE TURKEY.]
WILL: Oh, Vince, the table looks terrific!
VINCE: Thanks. And the turkey smells great. It cut like butter. Turkey-shaped butter.
WILL: Yeah. You're gonna give someone a perfect Thanksgiving, you gotta cook a nice, moist turkey. And I did. Well, me and a little friend I like to call the aluminum foil tent.
VINCE: If you really want it to go well, you gotta make your own scented candles. Which I did. Well, with a little help from a couple friends I like to call hand-grated cinnamon and vanilla extract.
WILL: It's so good we found each other.
VINCE: We are one hot couple.
WILL: Vincent D'Angelo, lace up your tap shoes. It's show time.
[WILL AND VINCE PICK UP THE PLATE OF TURKEY AND THE BOWL OF MASHED POTATOES AND WALK INTO THE DINING ROOM.]
[EVERYONE IS SEATED AT THE TABLE.]
WILL: Dinner's ready!
PAUL: Whoa-ho, look at that!
ANNETTE: Boy, did you cut it close.
WILL: Or, did I time it just perfectly? Heh heh. Now, Annette, I know how much you like dark meat, so I've saved you a drumstick.
ANNETTE: Yeah, did you tear all the ligaments in that too?
WILL: That's funny. I do enjoy our give and take.
GRACE: Oh, Sal, get your hands off me.
SAL: I'm not touching you.
KAREN: No, he's touching me, honey.
GRACE: Well, then, who's touching--
[RO IS BENT OVER UNDER THE TABLE; SHE SITS UP.]
RO: Sorry, I dropped my napkin.
GRACE: Up my skirt?
PAUL: All right, all right, everybody. Now listen. Usually, every year, it's traditional, I give the toast on Thanksgiving, but being that Will did such a wonderful job preparing the meal, I think it's only right that he should do it.
WILL: Oh, thank you, Paul. Look all-- All Vincent and I wanted was for this warm, wonderful family to-- to be together.
ANNETTE: Turkey's a little dry.
WILL: No, it isn't--
WILL: Because, when you get right down to it, what is a perfect Thanksgiving?
ANNETTE: Instant potatoes?
WILL: No, they're fresh-- It's not about Pilgrims or food, or football--
ANNETTE: Or salad forks, 'cause I don't got one.
WILL: It's about family and friends.
ANNETTE: What are we supposed to do? Eat this with our hands?
WILL: What is wrong with you, lady?! It's like the only nice bone in your body was in your toe! And that got crushed when you forgot how to walk with shoes on! All I wanted was for you to like me. Because I love Vince and Vince loves you. Do you have any idea how much trouble I've gone through today to try to make it perfect for you? Your 16-year-old nephew made out with a woman twice his age. And then another woman ten times his age! Your soon to be married daughter is a lesbian! But did you hear about any of that? No! Not until just now, when I accidentally blurted it out! And now, because I'm guessing the rest of the family hates me, I'm gonna go. Grace, Jack, Karen, your coats please! Let's go! Quickly!
[JACK, KAREN, AND GRACE STAND UP TO LEAVE.]
ANNETTE: Wait, wait, wait a minute! [TO WILL] You love my son?
WILL: I do.
ANNETTE: [TO VINCE] And you love him?
VINCE: I do, Mommy.
ANNETTE: [TO RO] And you, you love women?
RO: Well, just once... with, uh, Matt's secretary.
[MATT HANGS HIS HEAD IN SHAME.]
ANNETTE: [TO SAL] And you're 16, so you love everything. So what that tells me, is that there's a lot of love at this table. And we're all family. [TO MATT] Well, not you so much anymore, Matty. So now we're all gonna sit down together and eat.
PAUL: That was nice, honey. [TO VINCE] Vinnie, you wanna pass me them yams?
VINCE: What, now you love me again? You're, like, psychotic.
ANNETTE: And, Will, the beans are perfect.
WILL: Thank you, Annette. They're from a can.
SCENE V: The Car Ride Home (a Rental SUV)
[KAREN IS DRIVING; GRACE IS IN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT; WILL AND JACK ARE IN THE BACK SEAT.]
JACK: You know it's really satisfying using my powers for good. Who shall I help come out next Thanksgiving? A Supreme Court justice? A major action star? Or maybe just the guy I'm currently seeing...
GRACE: They were nice enough people, but those goodbyes were weird. I went to hug Vince's sister, she put her hands on my boobs. It was really uncomfortable.
JACK: You stood there for ten minutes! I had to pull you off!
GRACE: Yeah, well, we're guests. I didn't want to be rude!
KAREN: [LAUGHS] Ha ha! The old whore is back!
JACK: Oh, speaking of old whores, wasn't it great when Nana woke up and played jazz piano for two hours? Yeah, that was just fun.
KAREN: Oh, better turn on the rear defrost.
GRACE: Wait, you're driving.
KAREN: Yeah, honey, I'm the designated driver.
WILL: [SLURRING] I'm too drunk to drive!
GRACE: [TO KAREN] And you're not?
KAREN: No. I don't drink on holidays. That's for amateurs like the Chianti Queen back there.
WILL: [SLURRING] Yep, and I deserve it. I won them over. Won 'em all over. They invited me back for Christmas and New Year's and Ro's first Slam Poetry night. I think I'm going to be drunk a lot in the future. 'Cause they are boring and I hate them.