Original Airdate 10/21/2004
Written by Kate Angelo
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Roscoe Lee Browne (Linus)
Erinn Carter (Katherine Fallon)
Larry Poindexter (Dan Fallon)
Markus Hamilton (Colin)
Barry Karras (Man in Bookstore)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER THE APARTMENT. THEY JUST GOT BACK FROM THE GYM.]
WILL: Oy. The gym is so far. It's such a shlep.
GRACE: You go, goyim.
WILL: I figured since you're practically a gay man, I should become a little Jewish.
[WILL AND GRACE WALK INTO THE KITCHEN TO GET TWO BOTTLES OF WATER FROM THE FRIDGE.]
GRACE: Remember that gym we used to go to right around the corner? Ugh. It was so convenient. The stupid State had to close it just because a few people got held up in the steam room.
WILL: Yeah. Couple of nude muggings, and the whole town is suddenly full of crybabies.
GRACE: You know what? Forget it. Instead of throwing myself into exercise, I'm going to throw myself into my work.
WILL: Yeah. You do realize that when you're taking a spin class and you don't pedal, you're really just listening to music.
GRACE: I also was scratching my patch of eczema. That had to have burn some calories.
GRACE: [SIGHS] I need an outlet for my frustration. I just keep getting angry at everything. Angry at Leo, angry at the gym, angry at you.
GRACE: Turkey bacon is not bacon! I could kill you, Will!
WILL: You know it tastes more like bacon after you cook it, right?
GRACE: You know what? I just gotta focus on the good stuff. Got my health. Got my friends. I'm meeting a new client today. If I could just get a decent piece of bacon, I could turn this douche of a day around. Oh, I know where I have one.
[GRACE WALKS BACK INTO HER BEDROOM.]
SCENE II: Outside Katherine's Apartment
[GRACE AND KAREN STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND WALK TO HER NEW CLIENT'S APARTMENT DOOR.]
GRACE: It's good to be back.
KAREN: [SMILES] Mm.
GRACE: Adler and Walker, Walker and Adler.
KAREN: Honey, don't say your name next to mine. It makes mine sound Jewy.
GRACE: Well, yours makes mine sound drunk.
KAREN: Wow. Right in the nuts. [SIGHS]
[GRACE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.]
GRACE: I'm just so excited to be back at work again. You know? Getting my mind off Leo. Especially with this client. She's a chic, young, single woman. She reminds me of myself. Ew, I better check her credit.
[GRACE'S CLIENT, KATHERINE, OPENS THE DOOR.]
KATHERINE: Hey, Grace. Great to see you.
GRACE: Hey, Katherine. I was just telling my assistant--
[A MAN WALKS UP BEHIND KATHERINE AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER.]
DAN: [TO KATHERINE] Hey, baby. [KISSING KATHERINE] Mm!
KATHERINE: [TO GRACE] Oh, this is my husband, Dan. Oh, my God. "Husband." It still sounds so funny to say.
GRACE: Oh, I-I thought you were single.
KAREN: [UNDER HER BREATH] Uh-oh.
KATHERINE: No, we're newlyweds. Single... How depressing would that be at my age?
KAREN: Check, please.
DAN: We, uh, we just got back from our honeymoon. Didn't we, Mrs. Fallon?
KATHERINE: Yes we did, Mr. Fallon.
[DAN KISSES KATHERINE AND BOTH MAKE AN "Mmm" SOUND.]
KATHERINE: Come on in.
[KAREN STOPS GRACE BEFORE SHE GOES IN.]
KAREN: Honey, honey. Here. Take one of these.
[KAREN OPENS A PILL BOTTLE AND POURS ONE INTO HER HAND.]
KAREN: I don't know what they are, but a licensed vet gave 'em to me.
GRACE: Please, Karen. Just because my marriage stunk like a bag of dead turtles... doesn't mean that I can't handle a couple of happy newlyweds.
KAREN: Are you sure? 'Cause they're making me a little queasy. But, then again, I'm all hopped up on dog pills.
[KAREN POPS THE PILL INTO HER MOUTH AND TILTS HER HEAD BACK TO SWALLOW IT.]
GRACE: I'll be fine.
[GRACE ENTERS THE APARTMENT. DAN AND KATHERINE ARE HOLDING EACH OTHER, PASSIONATELY KISSING.]
GRACE: Anyway, you guys, what I was thinking was-- [LOUDLY] Stop the kissing! [NERVOUS FAKE LAUGHTER] Yeah. Anyway, um, you know now that I know that you're a married couple, I might have to tweak the plans just a little bit.
DAN: Well, I don't know anything about design, but I do know that we want this house to be about love.
GRACE: Love. Huh. No problem. I know all about love. I love love. [QUIETLY TO KAREN] Gimme one of the dog pills.
KAREN: Better take two. One just makes you stop biting yourself.
[KAREN PULLS OUT TWO PILLS AND GIVES THEM TO GRACE.]
SCENE III: Bookstore
WILL: What do you mean you've never been in here? You're a gay man. This is a gay landmark.
JACK: Excuse me. The hospital where Judy Garland spewed out Liza Minnelli is a gay landmark. This is just a bookstore.
[JACK SIGHS AND LOOKS AROUND.]
JACK: Wait a minute... I think I have been here before. Years ago. Why yes, I have very fondle memories of this place.
WILL: You mean fond.
JACK: Both, actually. William? I may buy a book.
[AN ELDERLY AFRICAN AMERICAN GENTLEMAN WALKS UP TO JACK.]
LINUS: If you're going to buy a book, you better do it soon.
JACK: Why? Are you gonna die?
LINUS: No. The bookstore is going out of business. The rents are out of control. We'll be closed by the end of the month.
WILL: That's terrible! I remember shopping here when I first came out. Made me feel so proud to buy a gay book and have you slip it into one of your non-descript brown paper bags, then put on my sunglasses and rush out of here, praying to God no one would see me.
LINUS: I know. I've been here so many decades, I've gone from calling Johnny here my roommate to my lover, to my partner, to my late husband.
[LINUS TAKES A FRAMED PICTURE FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER HAND SHOWS IT TO WILL AND JACK.]
WILL: Oh. That's so sweet. The history of one relationship reflects the history of our struggle.
JACK: [WHISPERS TO WILL] Will. I think that's the guy who fondled me.
[WILL PUTS THE PICTURE FRAME ON THE COUNTER.]
LINUS: I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be closing. Well, if you'll excuse me, I must go in the back and watch my stories. If I miss "The Bold and the Beautiful," I become a raging bitch.
[LINUS WALKS INTO THE BACKROOM.]
WILL: Tsk. I hate that this place is closing. You know what, Jack? We-- we gotta do something.
JACK: Oh, I don't know. Do something? That sounds complicated.
WILL: Jack, this--this is our history. It's like the, the cradle of gay civilization where, where gay man crawled from the straight ooze and, and for the first time, walked erect.
WILL: We owe it to our community to, to pay tribute to the literary giants who paved the way for us to live our lives openly. People like Oscar Wilde, James Baldwin--
JACK: Oh, I love James Baldwin! It makes me sick that none of the other Baldwin brothers talk to him. But what can we do?
WILL: What can't we do? A prominent gay lawyer and a junior executive at a real gay network that only comes on after midnight when the Korean soap operas are over.
JACK: Ooh, we have a new slogan: "Watch us... please".
WILL: It's good.
JACK: And before midnight, it's: "Watch us, shipshiyo". You know what? Why not? I will save a bookstore today.
WILL: Good for you.
JACK: Ooh, but while we're here, can we check out lesbian erotica? I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it is they do.
WILL: Yeah. I imagine it's like bumper cars.
SCENE IV: Katherine and Dan's Apartment
[GRACE AND KAREN ENTER THE APARTMENT. GRACE STRUGGLES WITH HANDFULLS OF BAGS AND A PORTFOLIO. KAREN CARRIES HER PURSE AND A SMALL SWATCH PAD.]
KAREN: Honey, you sure you to do this job? You were a little weird yesterday.
[GRACE DROPS HER BAGS DOWN ON THE FLOOR. KAREN TOSSES HER LITTLE PAD ON THE PILE.]
GRACE: [SIGHS] That's because I was relating their happiness to my whole thing with Leo. But you know what I realized? I'm happy they're happy. If anything, it gives me hope that someday I'll be able to have exactly what they have.
[DAN AND KATHERINE ENTER FROM THE BEDROOM.]
KATHERINE: Good news! The study's going to be a nursery.
DAN: We're pregnant!
GRACE: I'm outta here.
[GRACE TURNS AROUND AND WALKS OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
KATHERINE: Um... Is she coming back?
DAN: We didn't even tell her what colors we wanted the nursery to be.
KAREN: Well, honey, she's a professional. I'm sure she's going to ask the baby before she does anything.
KATHERINE: What colors do you see?
KAREN: Oh. Well... uh... right now, everything's sort of purple and you two have kind an acid green aura. You're pretty.
[KATHERINE AND DAN STARE AT KAREN, CONFUSED. KAREN REALIZES...]
KAREN: Oh, you mean for the baby's room!
[KAREN IS A CAUGHT A BIT OFF GUARD THAT THEY ARE ASKING FOR HER OPINION.]
KAREN: Oh. Are-- Are you asking me to--?
DAN: Well, you do work for her, and she kind left us hanging.
KAREN: Right. Well... Um... I'm just spit-ballin' here, but how 'bout some clouds drifting across a blue sky?
KATHERINE: Oh, I like that. What kind of blue?
KAREN: Well, you know, a soft blue, like a 10 milligram Valium blue.
[DAN AND KATHERINE NOD.]
KAREN: And then... We'll do the mouldings in yellow.
DAN: Oh, that sounds wonderful. A bright yellow?
KAREN: No, more of a-- Well, here, um... [DIGGING IN HER PURSE] Lemme show you my swatches.
[KAREN PULLS A PILL BOTTLE OUT OF HER PURSE AND DUMPS THE MULTI-COLOR PILLS ON TOP OF A STACK OF BOXES.]
SCENE V: Bookstore
[THE BOOK STORE IS CROWDED. WILL AND JACK ARE LOOKING OVER THE CROWD. LINUS IS AMONG THE CROWD. THERE ARE ALSO CHAIRS SET UP FACING A PODIUM IN THE BACK OF THE STORE.]
JACK: Big crowd, Will. A sea of gay and lesbian lovers of literature.
JACK: Also known as a Who's Who of Uglyville.
[CARLOS, A TALL HANDSOME MAN, WALKS UP TO WILL AND JACK.]
COLIN: [TO WILL AND JACK] Hi.
COLIN: Hi. This is a great party. Wait, are you one of the guys who organized this?
JACK: Why, yes I am. It's a cause very near and dear to my heart. My lord, you're tall. Would you mind coming into the back? I'd like to reach for something.
[JACK TAKES COLIN BY THE ARM AND LEADS HIM INTO THE BACKROOM.]
[LINUS WALKS UP TO WILL.]
LINUS: [TO WILL] I can't believe it. So many people talked about doing something, but you actually did it.
WILL: Whoa. Whoa, whoa. I am not a hero, okay? "Hero" is reserved for firefighters and our men and women in uniform.
LINUS: I didn't say you were a hero.
WILL: [LAUGHS] There's that word again. You're welcome.
LINUS: Thank you.
WILL: Yeah, this place means too much to too many people, and there is no way we are gonna let it go without a fight.
LINUS: Thank God. Because to see an upscale gym in this place would just break my heart.
WILL: Exactly. I mean the whole-- I'm sorry. What was that?
LINUS: A gymnasium. They wanna take over the whole building. One of those exercise chains that perpetuate the myth of the narcissistic gay man.
[WILL THINKS FOR A SECOND.]
WILL: How awful. All those floor-length mirrors and tanning beds just around the corner from my apartment. I don't suppose those corporate devils-- Is it Crunch? Uh, m-mentioned when this would be open by?
LINUS: Probably in time for those filthy yuppies to work off their holiday feasts, and tone up their bodies for their fancy vacations at Lake George.
WILL: I almost wish that they would take this place over, and then I could join, and not wipe off the equipment. Heh-heh. You know? [LAUGHS]
LINUS: But then I'd lose my store.
WILL: Calm down. I remember.
SCENE VI: Bookstore
[JACK IS STANDING BEHIND THE PODIUM SET UP AT THE BACK OF THE STORE. THE SEATS ARE FULL AND THERE ARE ALSO PEOPLE STANDING.]
JACK: Hello, everyone, and welcome.
[JACK PULLS OUT A PAIR OF READING GLASSES.]
JACK: These reading glasses I've used as an affectation for years to appear smart have once again... [PUTS ON THE GLASSES] come to my rescue. I never realized how important this bookstore was to the community until my very wise friend Will Truman said to me, he said, "This bookstore is important to the community." So without further ado, I give you Will Truman.
[EVERYONE APPLAUDS AS WILL WALKS TO THE PODIUM. LINUS STOPS HIM ON THE WAY.]
LINUS: [QUIETLY TO WILL] Thanks again for saving my bookshop from becoming an Equinox gym.
WILL: [ANNOYED WHISPER] Yeah, I heard you old man.
[WILL TAKES THE PODIUM.]
WILL: So, we're, uh... We're here tonight to save a landmark of the community. Where else can you buy gay literature? Well, besides online. It's certainly faster, easier, and the wave of the future.
[JACK LOOKS AT WILL, CONFUSED.]
WILL: But... For those who live in the past, we are here to preserve it. This wonderful old bookstore. [SNIFFS] Musty, pre-war. Probably full of asbestos. Gives you the lungs of a miner, makes you sterile, but hey, you got your book. Heh-heh. Besides, it's not like you're--like you're put on some government list every time you shop here. [MOUTHS TO THE AUDIENCE] You are.
JACK: And we'll be right back!
[JACK PULLS WILL FROM BEHIND THE PODIUM AND PUSHES HIM OFF TO THE BACK.]
JACK: [TO LINUS] Uh, Linus, go ahead and tell 'em about when Truman Capote bitch-slapped Tennessee Williams here and then later coined the phrase "bitch-slap".
[LINUS STANDS UP.]
LINUS: All right. It was a hot August night...
[EVERYONE LEANS IN TO LISTEN.]
[CUT TO WILL AND JACK, BACK BY THE COUNTER.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] Will, what is going on?
WILL: [QUIETLY] They want to put a gym here. A beautiful new gym!
[JACK QUICKLY PULLS OFF HIS GLASSES.]
JACK: [LOUDLY] Britney Spears Federline, a gym! That is fantastic.
JACK: [QUEITER] Wait a minute. [JACK PUTS THE GLASSES BACK ON] What about the bookstore?
WILL: Oh, who cares? So--so they sell a few less copies of some crappy coming out story. [WHINING] "I'm so confused. I don't understand my feelings." Do a one-man show like everybody else!
JACK: [GASPS] Will Truman, I cannot be what I'm hearing. You are the most shallow, self-serving hypocrite I've ever met.
[JACK PULLS OFF HIS GLASSES AND POINTS TO THE DOOR WITH THEM.]
JACK: Get out. [RE: POINTING WITH THE GLASSES] Oh, this is good for that, too. Get out!
[WILL EXITS THE BOOKSTORE.]
SCENE VII: Katherine and Dan's Apartment
[KAREN AND GRACE EXIT OUT OF THE ELEVATOR.]
GRACE: I hate having to tell that I can't do a job. It's so unprofessional.
[KAREN UNLOCKS THE DOOR WITH A KEY.]
GRACE: I hope they don't ask for their deposit back, 'cause that money's gone.
KAREN: Honey, don't you fret about that deposit. 'Cause I've got a surprise for you.
[KAREN AND GRACE ENTER THE APARTMENT.]
[THE APARTMENT IS DECORATED BEAUTIFULLY.]
GRACE: [GASPS] Oh, my God. Who did this?
KAREN: I did. You like?
GRACE: I love. But... You? I... Wow. I mean, for you to do all this, you must've missed some pretty important black-outs.
KAREN: It's okay, honey. I'll make 'em up. I'll pull an all-nighter.
GRACE: This is amazing.
KAREN: [SMILING] Hm.
GRACE: Karen, you did a really great job.
KAREN: [PROUDLY] I did, didn't I? Honey, you were in a jam, so I-I worked hard, put my nose to the mirror-- And finished something.
[KATHERINE AND DAN ENTER.]
KATHERINE: [GASPS] Wow! This is so beautiful. It's exactly what we wanted.
DAN: Yeah, this is great. We were a little nervous after our first meeting. You kept calling the loveseat the "you're-gonna-die-alone-seat," but...
KATHERINE: Anyway, it's perfect. How did you pull it all together?
GRACE: Oh, I am beyond thrilled that you're happy. But, I have to be honest with you. I wasn't sure I could do this job. Uh, but then, something came to my rescue. A friend of mine.
[KAREN SMILES AND STEPS UP NEXT TO GRACE.]
GRACE: A little friend I call... Inspiration.
[KAREN LOOKS AT GRACE, PUZZLED.]
GRACE: Now, of course, of course, I'm only part of a team.
[KAREN LOOKS RELIEVED AND SMILES.]
GRACE: So none of this could've ever been done without one other crucial component...
[KAREN SHRUGS AND WAVES.]
GRACE: Clients like you.
[KAREN HANGS HER HEAD.]
KATHERINE: [TOUCHED] Oh...
DAN: You know, I can't wait to see the bedroom.
GRACE: Me either. Let's go.
[DAN, KATHERINE, AND GRACE WALK INTO THE BEDROOM.]
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Come on, Karen.
[KAREN STAYS BEHIND. SHE RUNS HER HAND ALONG THE SOFA BACK.]
KAREN: [SADLY] Oh. Look. One of my swatches.
[KAREN PICKS UP A PILL FROM ON TOP OF THE THROW PILLOW AND PUTS IT INTO HER MOUTH.]
SCENE VIII: Bookstore
[AFTER THE GALA. JACK AND LINUS ARE SITTING IN CHAIRS. EVERYONE ELSE IS GONE. LINUS IS COUNTING THE DONATIONS.]
JACK: How did we do, Linus?
LINUS: We didn't make it. We fell $2,000 short.
JACK: Well... 2,500. My check's gonna bounce. Sorry, I feel like I let ya down.
LINUS: Well, you kinda did. 50 years of my life...
[LINUS PULLS A CHECK OUT OF THE PILE.]
LINUS: All gone...
[LINUS RIPS UP JACK'S CHECK.]
LINUS: Just like that.
JACK: Well... Look at the bright side. You've been breathin' in asbestos for 50 years, so I'm guessin' you won't be sad for too much longer.
[WILL ENTERS THE BOOKSTORE.]
WILL: You open? I'm looking for a book about a gay guy that... feels really bad about himself.
LINUS: That whole wall over there. [LINUS POINTS TO A WALL.]
JACK: Well. Look who it is. The worst thing to happen to gay culture since straight guys started dressing gay.
WILL: I know. I screwed up. We can't afford to lose this place.
LINUS: Well, I can't afford to keep it open.
JACK: Well, not that you care, but we're 2,500 short.
WILL: Maybe I can fix that.
[WILL PULLS OUT HIS CHECKBOOK AND BEGINS WRITING.]
JACK: Ugh. Will, that is so inappropriate. I can't believe you're asking him to cash a check.
WILL: I'm writing a check to make up the rest, you dingus.
[WILL TEARS OUT THE CHECK AND GIVES IT TO JACK.]
JACK: Oh, my gosh, Will. This is the second time I've been touched in this bookstore.
[JACK GIVES THE CHECK TO LINUS.]
LINUS: Thank you.
WILL: I guess we've proved that a couple of guys can make a real difference in this city. Thanks to us, people will still be able to see the spot where Gertrude Stein punched Alice B. Toklas in the stomach and shouted, "Don't you come home 'til you've shaved!"
LINUS: Well, at least for another month.
WILL: What do you mean?
LINUS: This just covers November's rent. I assume we'll be doing of these every month. Next month, maybe we could put on festive holiday ball.
JACK: Oh. Every month...
JACK: So we get to do this again. Wow. Well, that sounds like fun. [CHUCKLES]
WILL: Yeah, sure. We'll start working on that, you know... It's not like you can just adopt a cause and then abandon it.
WILL: [WHISPERS INTO JACK'S EAR] We're abandoning it.
WILL: [TO LINUS] We won't let you down. [WHISPERS TO JACK] We're letting him down.
JACK: [WHISPERS TO WILL] You can count on us, Linus. [LOUDLY TO LINUS] Can't wait for the gym to open!
WILL: So close, sweetie. So close.
[JACK GIVES AN EMBARRASED LAUGH.]
SCENE IX: Grace Adler Designs
[KAREN IS PICKING UP SOME THINGS ON HER DESK AND PUTTING THEM INTO HER PURSE.]
[GRACE ENTERS THE OFFICE.]
GRACE: [ANNOYED] Where did you go? I turned around and you were gone. I ended up having to take the subway.
KAREN: Oh, did you invent that, too?
GRACE: What are you talking about?
KAREN: You took credit for my work, Grace! You were about to lose that job, and I covered for you, and you put your name on it.
GRACE: That's how it works, Karen. It's called Grace Adler Designs. I'm the face of the company. It's like--It's like with Colonel Sanders. If you ran into him on the street, and you told him you liked his chicken, he wouldn't say, "Oh, well, I didn't make it. Ramone did." He'd say, "Thanks. I'm Colonel Sanders. Do you know that we're doing salads now?"
KAREN: That analogy makes no sense at all. Because in this story, it was my original recipe. You're Ramone!
GRACE: You're Ramone.
KAREN: You're Ramone.
GRACE: Okay, look, this is ridiculous. We're not gonna get anywhere calling each other names all day, Ramone. I'm sorry you're upset. But it's business.
KAREN: I didn't do it for business. I did it as a friend. And you know what a friend does when another friend saves their ass? They acknowledge it.
GRACE: Okay. Thank you.
KAREN: It's too late. You know, for nine years, I have religiously shown up occasionally at this office... and I have never once cashed a paycheck. And you know why? Because you're my friend. Or at least, I thought you were.
GRACE: All right. I'm sorry.... Are we okay?
KAREN: No. We're not. I quit.
GRACE: Are y-- Are you serious?
KAREN: Yes. I am serious, Grace. I packed my things and I'm leaving.
[KAREN PICKS UP HER PURSE AND GRABS A HAND-DOLLY WITH A BEER KEG ON IT AND WHEELS IT OUT OF THE OFFICE.]