Original Airdate 10/14/2004
Written by Sonja Warfield
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Bobby Cannavale (Vince)
Jerry Levine (Joe)
Tim Bagley (Larry)
Kevin Brief (Ralph)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN. VINCE IS IN THE SHOWER. GRACE EXITS FROM HER BEDROOM IN HER PAJAMAS AND KNOCKS ON THE BATHROOM DOOR.]
GRACE: Vince, hurry up!
[GRACE WALKS OVER TO WILL IN THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] Your boyfriend's in the shower for 20 minutes. Of all the cops you could have dated, you hook up with "Dirty Mary."
WILL: Grace, he's a gay catholic. He may never feel clean.
[GRACE NOTICES THAT WILL HAS A PASTRY BAG AND IS FROSTING.]
GRACE: Whoo-Ha? Frosting for breakfast? Any chance of slathering this on some cold pizza?
[GRACE SCOOPS UP SOME FROSTING WITH HER FINGER AND EATS IT.]
WILL: I'm just practicing my piping for my birthday cake. And breaking in the new pastry bag--
GRACE: Will, no! You've got to stop buying pastry bags.
[GRACE OPENS A DRAWER AND BEGINS PULLING OUT PASTRY BAGS.]
GRACE: No matter how many of these you buy, you cannot frost the pain of your childhood away.
WILL: Grace, I'm not trying to frost the pain of my childhood away. I'm trying to frost away the pain of every sad, crappy birthday I ever had. I mean, What kind of monsters give a 10-year-old boy a baseball mitt, when what he asked for was an autographed 8x10 of Chita Rivera?
GRACE: You have had some lousy birthdays. Remember the year we went to James Taylor, and that drunk roadie peed on you?
WILL: Hmm, yeah. Ironically during "Shower the People."
WILL: You know that I'm actually looking forward to my birthday this year? I mean look at me. I got a great job, good friends, clean boyfriend. I think if I ever had a shot at breaking this streak of bad birthdays, this is it.
GRACE: Yeah, well, the bar's pretty low. If you get a couple of decent presents and don't get peed on, it's the best one ever.
WILL: I hope Vince gets me something good. His taste is a little suspect. Ya know, like when he got me those cufflinks... off a suspect. I'm not even allowed to wear them outside until the trial's over.
[VINCE EXITS THE BATHROOM, DRESSED IN HIS POLICE OFFICER'S UNIFORM.]
VINCE: Look how nice my hair looks. And now I gotta put a hat on? I swear if this blue didn't make my eyes pop, I'd be in sales.
[GRACE STARTS WALKING TO THE BATHROOM WHEN JACK SUDDENLY ENTERS IN HIS BATHROBE AND A HAIR CAP.]
JACK: You're tellin' me! I've been waitin' all morning.
[JACK RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR IN GRACE'S FACE.]
SCENE II: A Restaurant
[KAREN IS SITTING AT A TABLE WAITING IMPATIENTLY. JACK RUNS IN AND SITS DOWN.]
KAREN: Jackie, where have you been? You know that I need to arrive last.
JACK: I know. I'm sorry.
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Honestly!
[KAREN PICKS UP HER PURSE AND EXITS. A COUPLE OF SECONDS LATER, KAREN ENTERS AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH JACK.]
KAREN: Oh, God, honey, I'm sorry I'm late.
JACK: Now, come on. Will's birthday's Friday, and we have to figure out what present to get him.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Oh, honey. This Friday?
JACK: What's the matter, Karen?
KAREN: Oh, Jackie. This Friday would have been Stan's birthday too.
JACK: Stan had the same birthday as Will? It's amazing how many fatties are Libras. So you gonna be okay?
KAREN: Yeah, come on. I barely paid attention to Stan's birthday while he was alive. I'm certainly not gonna start worrying about it now. Okay. So what are we gonna get for lady gay?
JACK: Well, I am Will's best friend, and he is one of my closest casual acquaintances. So... I'm gonna go all out for him. Okay, I'm gonna have you spend $40,000 on a gift and put my name on the card.
SCENE III: A Department Store
[VINCE IS BROWSING THROUGH SOME TIES AT A COUNTER. GRACE WALKS UP BEHIND HIM AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.]
VINCE: [JUMPS AND SCREAMS] Hey!
GRACE: I said "hi-ya". How could that have scared you?
VINCE: Whoa, I'm a New York cop. I don't get scared. Unless it's dark and I'm in car 82, which they say is haunted.
GRACE: So... what are you up to? Doin' a little shopping? Shopping for Will? What are you gettin' him?
VINCE: I'm not telling you. You'll just poo-poo it. Pardon my French.
GRACE: You have to tell me, 'cause I have to tell you whether or not it blows.
VINCE: Grace, I think I know what my boyfriend likes. We've been going out for six months.
GRACE: I've known him for, like, 20 years. We've had phone calls that lasted six months.
VINCE: Well, I'm in a commited relationship with him.
GRACE: So am I.
VINCE: I shave his ears.
GRACE: I shaved his legs.
VINCE: I've the man naked, Grace.
GRACE: I've seen him naked and crying.
VINCE: Ya know what? I've slept with him.
GRACE: Okay, look, if I didn't turn him gay, we wouldn't be having this conversation. So I win.
VINCE: All right, fine. I'm giving him the key to my apartment.
VINCE: You blows! He'll love it!
GRACE: Look, I'm just to help you out here, okay? I happen to know that Will has really high expectations for this birthday. So, whatever you're gonna get him, it has to be really good. Not some cheap key.
VINCE: I'm gonna put it on a nice key chain.
GRACE: Oh, that's great. Everyone loves a $1 thing hanging off of a $10 thing. Look, I'm telling you, do not give him that key. It's a mistake. How about that wallet you looked at, sniffed, and put back?
VINCE: You been following me? Of course! You know, I remember thinking, "That's weird. That mannequin's eating a french fry."
GRACE: Okay, look, this wallet is the perfect gift.
[GRACE HOLDS UP THE SMALL BOX SHE WAS CARRYING.]
VINCE: Ya know what, Grace? I'm sorry you wasted your afternoon stalking me, but I'm going with the key. And by the way, you might have made him gay, but I made him good at it.
[GRACE IS SPEECHLESS AS VINCE WALKS AWAY.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN PREPARING FOOD. JOE AND LARRY ARE STANDING BY, ADMIRING THE CAKE.]
JOE: Oh, my God. This cake is beautiful. Where did you buy it?
WILL: Actually, I made it.
LARRY: You did not make those rosettes.
JOE: Will, you have outdone yourself... if you really made it.
WILL: I did. I swear.
[JOE AND LARRY WALK INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]
LARRY: [TO JOE] Do we have to do that every year?
[GRACE EXITS HER BEDROOM.]
GRACE: [TO JOE AND LARRY] Hey, guys.
LARRY: Oh, Grace, you look fantastic.
JOE: Did you get a facial?
GRACE: I did not.
JOE: I don't believe it. You are positively glowing, and your skin is fresher than our little Hannah's.
GRACE: [SMILING] I guess I have good genes.
[GRACE WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AS JOE AND LARRY SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA.]
JOE: [TO LARRY] God, they're so much work.
JACK: Ah, what do we have here? One Jack, three queens, and an old maid. I don't know what game we're playing, but deal me in.
WILL: Well, the clown's here. It's officially a party.
JACK: Will, happy birthday, buddy. Listen. About your gift. I know, um, Karen and I have given you some doozies in the past, but I think this year you're really gonna love it.
WILL: Doozies? Like when you said you were giving me scuba lessons, then handed me a bucket of chum and pushed me off Karen's boat?
JOE: Jack! You up for some baby pictures?
JACK: I always am.
[JACK PULLS OUT A PHOTO ALBUM AND SHOWS IT TO JOE AND LARRY.]
JACK: This is me at six months...
[WILL BRINGS A GLASS OF WINE TO GRACE.]
GRACE: You having fun?
WILL: Yes, so far so good. Can't wait to see what Vince got me.
GRACE: Yeah, but you know, that's just a thing. I mean isn't the real gift the fact that you have a boyfriend?
WILL: What do you know?
GRACE: I can't tell you what the present is. Then it would ruin it. I'll just say that it's cheap and unimaginative.
WILL: Well, then I don't wanna know.
GRACE: It's the key to his apartment.
WILL: What? Oh, my God.
GRACE: I know, it blows.
WILL: A key? That is so romantic!
GRACE: You like it?
WILL: I love it! It's a mature step in our relationship. I can't wait to trace it in my journal tonight.
[VINCE AND ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER ENTER THE APARTMENT.]
VINCE: Hey, hey, keep it down in here! We got a noise complaint.
JOE: Vince, you do that every time you enter a room, and it's always funny. [TO LARRY] Great, now there's three of 'em.
VINCE: Hey, guys, this my partner Ralph. Ralph, this is my boyfriend Will, and our friends.
GRACE: [TO RALPH] Hi.
RALPH: [SLIGHTLY NERVOUS] This is my first homosexual party. So I'm not sure how to act. [TO GRACE] Mind if I sit down, sir?
[KAREN ENTERS AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AFTER HER. SHE'S VERY IRRITABLE.]
KAREN: [TO WILL] Oh, happy birthday, fruit. So, who we got here? [NOTICES JOE AND LARRY] Oh, Mo and Mary. Great, I won't have to take a sleeping pill tonight. [SIGHS] Lord, all these gays in one room. Grace, you must be in hag heaven.
RALPH: Uh, I'm not gay.
KAREN: Ooh, hurray for my side.
WILL: Everybody, this my friend Karen. For those of you with guns, free to take the safeties off.
[KAREN WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND POURS HERSELF A GLASS OF WINE. JACK FOLLOWS HER.]
JACK: Karen, where have you been? I've been waiting for you.
KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're here. Because this day has been so rough. My heart is beating a mile a minute-- Feel.
[KAREN TAKES JACK'S HAND AND PLACES IT ON HER CHEST.]
JACK: I don't feel anything.
KAREN: Shh, wait.
[JACK AND KAREN STAY STILL FOR A SECOND.]
JACK: There it is.
[A COUPLE MORE SECONDS...]
JACK: There it is again.
JACK: Oh, my God, Karen. It's racing! What's wrong?
KAREN: Honey, today is Stan's birthday, and I just wish I could be with him today. I miss him so much. I need to calm down-- Oh, thank God, I think it stopped.
WILL: Everybody, I think I'm ready to open my gifts now.
JACK: Ooh, ooh, ooh, start with ours. Start with ours. Will, prepare to be amazed.
[JACK SWEEPS HIS ARM OUT TO KAREN. KAREN JUST STANDS THERE HOLDING HER DRINK.]
[JACK HOLDS OUT HIS HAND TO KAREN AND WIGGLES HIS FINGERS.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] Karen, where is it?
KAREN: [QUIETLY] Honey, I didn't get him anything. I was feeling sad about Stan!
[KAREN SLAPS JACKS HAND DOWN.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] This is humiliating! And now everybody's staring at me!
[JACK TURNS AROUND.]
JACK: [OUTLOUD TO HIMSELF] Think, McFarland, think. You're a hot-shot network executive who was recently reprimanded for thinking out loud.
[JACK TURNS BACK AROUND.]
JACK: I've got it! Will?
WILL: Yes, Jack.
JACK: Um, I've put a lot of thought behind this.
WILL: Yes, I heard it.
JACK: And I've decided, in honor of your birthday, my gift to you... is my eternal friendship.
WILL: Thank you. Does anyone have anything for me that I can actually open?
[A PAGER BEEPS. VINCE LOOKS AT HIS PAGER.]
VINCE: Oh, crap. [TO RALPH] We gotta go. 91st and Amsterdam. Looks like a 187. That's a homicide, I think. [TO HIMSELF] 187 go to heaven. Yeah, it's a homicide.
RALPH: Well, uh, see ya. Um, I wanna tell every that I loved Moulin Rouge.
[RALPH EXITS TO THE HALLWAY.]
VINCE: [TO WILL] I should probably get goin' too.
WILL: Well, wait-- Wait, you didn't give me your gift yet. Which I know I'm gonna love.
VINCE: Sit down. Come on and open it now. I hate being the first one to these things anyway.
[WILL AND VINCE SIT ON THE SOFA. VINCE GIVES WILL A SMALL BOX.]
WILL: I'm so excited!
[WILL OPENS THE BOX.]
WILL: It's a... wallet. I love it. Thank you.
VINCE: Look, it's Gucci. The good kind with two Cs.
WILL: Yeah, I know.
VINCE: Well, I'd better go. Perps ain't gonna chase themselves. Unless they're dogs.
JOE: Good one!
WILL: Bye. See ya.
[VINCE EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] A wallet? I thought you said he was giving me a key. What could have happened to change his mind?
GRACE: Will, I've gotta be totally honest with you. I think I know what happened.
WILL: You do?
[GRACE PAUSES FOR A SECOND.]
GRACE: Ralph talked him out of it.
GRACE: Don't be sad. I mean, maybe he's gonna give you the key at Christmas. Like in honor of Joseph and Mary who lost their room key and had to give birth in a barn.
WILL: Yes, that's my favorite Bible story, too. When the blessed Virgin checked into the Bethlehem Ramada and left her purse at the pool.
GRACE: Well, maybe this is a good thing. Well, you said you're happy with the way things are.
WILL: Yeah, and the way things are is that I was supposed to get a key. Another lousy birthday. I don't know why I get my hopes up. Who wants brie?
[WILL GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Where did Vince say he was going?
KAREN: Well, he's Italian. So my guess would be the Olive Garden.
JACK: 91st and Amsterdam.
[GRACE GETS UP AND LEAVES.]
JACK: I remember because I thought he said "Hamsterdam", which is a country always wanted to go to-- [REALIZES GRACE IS GONE] Oh. [SHRUGS]
[JACK WALKS OVER TO WILL.]
JACK: Will, I can tell you're very upset. So... I got you this key.
[JACK GIVES WILL A KEY.]
WILL: This is the key to my apartment.
JACK: Whoa, slow down there, cowboy. Okay? You're not getting the one to my place.
SCENE V: Vince and Ralph's Patrol Car, 91st and Amsterdam
[VINCE IS SITTING IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT WITH HIS PARTNER, RALPH, IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.]
RALPH: Oh, hey, car 74 just got here. Those guys are crazy. I'm gonna go say hi.
[RALPH OPENS THE DOOR AND GETS OUT. GRACE GETS IN AND SHUTS THE DOOR.]
VINCE: [SCREAMS] Aah! Jeez, Grace, you freaked me out. I thought we had another haunted car.
GRACE: [SIGHS] Um, look, Will really hated the wallet. You have to give him the key.
VINCE: Did he look inside the wallet?
GRACE: Oh, is the key inside the wallet?
VINCE: No, I put a coupon for a kiss inside the wallet.
GRACE: That is so queer. Okay, now, look, you've got to give him the key. He's not gonna have a birthday until he gets it.
VINCE: First admit that I know Will better.
GRACE: Oh, this is ridiculous. This isn't a competition.
VINCE: Isn't it?
GRACE: Look, Will's happiness is the only thing that matters right now, and that is dependent on him getting the key.
VINCE: Right, which is dependent on me giving it to him. Which is dependent on you admitting that I know Will better. Your move.
GRACE: I'm out. You know him better.
VINCE: All right, I'll give him the key.
GRACE: Thanks. Oh, one more thing...
GRACE: Can you read this out loud please?
[GRACE SCRIBBLES SOMETHING ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND GIVES IT TO VINCE.]
VINCE: "Grace knows Will better."
GRACE: That's very big of you to admit.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
KAREN: I'm a fool, Jack. I never celebrated birthday while he was alive. And now he's gone. I guess I just always figured there'd be next year.
JACK: I guess you just don't expect to lose something that big. I mean, how could a house boat just not be there anymore?
WILL: Hey, guys, come on. I had to light my own candles, pour the champagne, and start singing "Happy Birthday" to myself. Could someone at least, cut the cake?
LARRY: Of course, Will.
[LARRY PICKS UP A KNIFE AND MAKES A SLICE INTO THE CAKE.]
WILL: Not like that! Give me.
[WILL TAKES THE KNIFE FROM LARRY. JOE GIVES LARRY A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AND TAKES ONE FOR HIMSELF. THEY MOVE TO THE COUCH WITH JACK AND KAREN.]
WILL: [MUTTERING TO HIMSELF] Yes, enjoy your champagne. God forbid anyone should make a toast.
JACK: You know, Will's angry muttering has given me an idea. I'd like to make a toast.
WILL: Well, thank you.
JACK: On this day, a very, very great man was born. Stanley Walker!
KAREN: Jackie, you don't have to do this. It's too late. He's gone.
JACK: Karen, just because somebody's dead doesn't mean you can't celebrate their birthday. It's never too late. Look at George Washington. I never paid attention to him when he was alive, but now I get a day off of work.
KAREN: Gosh, I guess that's true. I mean nobody's ever really forgotten. After all, I still roll into the ditch on Stan's side of the bed every night.
JACK: Karen, let's make a vow. Every year on this day on we'll do something to celebrate Stanley Walker.
KAREN: Okay, from now on, this day is about Stanley Walker! And nobody else!
WILL: I'd like to say something, if I may. This is the worst birthday I have ever had. I had to throw myself a party. I didn't get the key I wanted. And now, instead of toasting me, everyone is toasting my fat dead client. Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo!
[GRACE ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: Where have you been? It's not fair you get to leave this party and I don't.
LARRY: [TO JOE] I'm so glad Hannah spent two weeks making an ashtray for this jackass.
GRACE: Great news. You're getting your key.
WILL: You're kidding.
GRACE: I know, isn't it great? It took a lot of convincing, but he came around. Happy birthday! Yay!
WILL: Wa--wa--wait. What do you mean? You had to convince my boyfriend to give me a key?
GRACE: Oh, just for a second, I mean-- Don't worry about it. He's totally okay with it.
WILL: Okay with it?
GRACE: No, he's excited. He's gonna swing by and drop it off.
WILL: Drop it off? This is supposed to be a representation of our commitment to one another, not a pizza.
GRACE: Vince, change of plans.
VINCE: Wait, I memorized this and I gotta get it out. [TO WILL] My shift's over. Here's the key to my apartment. [VINCE HOLDS UP THE KEY.]
WILL: I'm sorry. I don't think I can take it.
VINCE: Excuse me?
WILL: You didn't think enough of me to give it to me in the first place, so I don't want it.
KAREN: Hey. Anybody wanna take my chopper to Atlantic City to celebrate Stanley day?
[KAREN, LARRY, AND JOE GET UP AND FOLLOW HER TO THE DOOR.]
LARRY: I'd love to, but we've only got the sitter until 11.
JOE: It's your mother. She can stay till morning. Why are you so afraid of her?
JACK: Will, happy birthday, friend. And believe me when I say this from the bottom of my heart... I'm gonna take this wallet. Heh heh...
[JACK PICKS UP THE WALLET AND EXITS THE APARTMENT. AS HE EXITS, HE LOOKS IN THE WALLET AND PULLS OUT A SMALL, PINK PIECE OF PAPER.]
JACK: Ooh, a free kiss.
[JACK SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]
VINCE: [TO WILL] Hey, what's your problem? I know you want the key.
WILL: I did want the key. Until Grace told me talk you into giving it to me.
VINCE: She only had to talk me me into it because she first talked me out of it.
WILL: Grace talked you out of it? She told me that Ralph talked you out of it.
VINCE: Why would she do that?
WILL: I don't know. Why the hell does she do anything?
[WILL AND VINCE LOOK AT GRACE.]
GRACE: [WHISPERS] She's crazy.
[GRACE TURNS TO GO INTO HER BEDROOM.]
GRACE: See ya tomorrow!
WILL: Wait, wait. Hold the phone. Why would you do something like that?
VINCE: Yeah, you almost ruined everything.
WILL: What the hell is wrong with you?
GRACE: [CRYING] I am so sorry. [CRYING HARDER] Please... Don't [SOB] be [SOB] mad [SOB] at [SOB] me. [SOBBING] I was just trying to help. I hate that you're mad at me.
WILL: Don't try fake crying with us.
VINCE: Yeah, that only works on straight guys.
GRACE: [STOPS CRYING] Fine. But this isn't my fault. If anything, I should be mad at you!
WILL: Oh, please, the angry flip?
VINCE: Yeah, that's not gonna fly either.
GRACE: [NORMAL] Okay. Look, I'm-- I'm sorry. I thought Will didn't want the key. Obviously, I was wrong. But by then I had already told you, and then you didn't give him the key. And then he was really sad. And all I wanted was for him to be happy. [CRYING] And now I'm crying real tears.
WILL: No, you're not.
GRACE: [STOPS CRYING] Okay, look. [SIGHS] The thing is, is that I did all of this because all I wanted was for you to have the best birthday ever.
WILL: Well, that's all I wanted. And somehow the whole thing went horribly, horribly wrong.
VINCE: Will it help if I gave you the key?
[VINCE HOLDS UP THE KEY.]
WILL: Yes it would.
[WILL TAKES THE KEY AND KISSES VINCE ON THE LIPS AND THE TWO OF THEM HUG EACH OTHER.]
GRACE: Aw... All 'cause of me.
[GRACE PUTS HER ARM AROUND THEM.]
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
KAREN: [TO WILL] I've arranged for a little gift for you. Come on. The kind of gift only Karen Walker can give. We're ready for you.
[KAREN OPENS THE DOOR. ROSARIO IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY. SHE BLOWS A PITCH-PIPE AND BEGINS SINGING "ARTHUR'S THEME".]
ROSARIO: [SINGING] When you get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true. Arthur, he does as he pleases--
KAREN: That's enough, thank you.
[KAREN GIVES ROSARIO A FOLDED BILL.]
ROSARIO: Oh, good, a 20. I'll put it in my "Kill Miss Karen" fund.
[KAREN SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AFTER ROSARIO.]