Original Airdate 9/30/2004
Written by Sally Bradford
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Molly Shannon (Val Bassett)
Mark Harelik (Tim)
Mathew Botuchis (Dave)
Julie Pop (Pat)
Marcy Goldman (Judy)
Jodi Fleisher (Woman)
Jon Kinnally (Mitchell)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING THE NEWSPAPER. JACK IS SITTING ON THE COUCH BACK WATCHING WILL OVER HIS SHOULDER.]
JACK: You read funny, Will. Your lips don't move.
WILL: Yeah, you'll notice I don't have to sound out the words, either.
JACK: I don't think you're really reading.
WILL: [TO GRACE] Hey.
JACK: [TO GRACE] Hey, girl!
GRACE: Well, I just had to let my therapist go.
WILL: Another one? You've fired, like, five this month. Surely they can't all look like Kevin James.
GRACE: Why is it so difficult to find a therapist who will listen to me, then fall in love with me, so I could reject him and get my self-confidence back?
JACK: Just be grateful you have a divorce to talk about. Gays aren't even allowed that right. That's why I'm voting for Jim Carrey.
WILL: Yeah, I'm sure, as leader of the free world, his pet detective skills will come in handy.
GRACE: Maybe I should start doing yoga. You know, so I can get rid of all these negative feelings and open up. Nah, maybe I'll just start getting high again.
[GRACE PICKS UP A POST CARD FROM THE TABLE.]
GRACE: What's this?
WILL: Oh, tomorrow I've been invited to attend a focus group for the new gay network, Out TV. They're looking to give feedback on some sample shows. Could be fun.
JACK: I've always wondered how they pick people for those things. Or haven't I ever given it a lick of thought?
WILL: I'm a prominent gay lawyer. I'm sure they think that my opinion will be valuable.
GRACE: [READING THE POSTCARD] Yeah, and they sent this to every guy who has a subscription to Jane magazine.
WILL: Hey! I'll have you know that Jane magazine is the thinking man's Seventeen. [TO JACK] Hey, why don't come with me?
JACK: Oh, I don't know. I'm... I'm not very bright.
WILL: Jack, would I have invited you if I thought that mattered?
WILL: Yeah. They don't want to hear just from smart people. They also want to hear from Joe Blow.
JACK: I haven't used that name in years!
SCENE II: A New York Sidewalk
[KAREN AND GRACE ARE WALKING TO WORK.]
KAREN: So, I'm racing to get ready for work this morning. You know, brewing my coffee, fixing my makeup, making sure I got enough money for my lunch. And I ask Rosie to put my pumps in a grocery bag while I lace up my sneakers. And she says to me, [DEEP GRAVELY VOICE LIKE ROSARIO] "Miss Karen, I can't find them." And I say, "Well, find them, you big Aztech! I'm certainly not gonna spend all day in my Reeboks!" [SCOFFS]
[A WOMAN WALKS BY WITH A BOX OF KRISPY KREME DONUTS. GRACE FOLLOWS HER.]
[A CURLY, RED-HAIRED WOMAN WALKS UP FROM BEHIND KAREN TO PASS HER.]
KAREN: [SIGHS] But Rosario doesn't seem to care. She says to me...
[KAREN HITS THE WOMAN ON THE ARM.]
KAREN: Guess what she says to me.
WOMAN: Are you talking to me?
KAREN: Pay attention, Grace! I hate when you tune out.
SCENE III: A Meeting Room
[GRACE FOLLOWS THE DONUT WOMAN--JUDY--INTO A BUILDING AND INTO A ROOM.]
[JUDY PLACES THE DONUTS ON A TABLE NEXT TO A LARGE COFFEE POT.]
[THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM HAS CHAIRS ARRANGED IN A CIRCLE. THERE ARE SEVERAL PEOPLE AROUND.]
GRACE: [TO THE WOMAN] Thanks. Um, excuse me, why is this stuff free?
[GRACE PICKS UP A NAPKIN AND A DONUT.]
JUDY: It's paid for by our Alcoholics Anonymous donations.
GRACE: Oh, this is AA.
JUDY: [NODS] Uh-huh.
[THE WOMAN WALKS OFF.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO HERSELF] Well, they got bigger problems than me stealing a couple of donuts.
[GRACE PICKS UP SEVERAL MORE DONUTS.]
[A WOMAN SNEAKS UP BEHIND GRACE. IT'S HER CRAZY NEIGHBOR, VAL BASSETT. VAL PUTS HER FINGER TO THE BACK OF GRACE'S HEAD.]
VAL: If you don't put that donut down right now, I'm gonna blow a hole in the back of your head!
GRACE: Oh... my God.
[GRACE DROPS THE DONUTS BACK INTO THE BOX.]
VAL: Just kidding!
[GRACE TURNS AROUND.]
GRACE: [GASPS] Val, why the hell would you do that to someone?
VAL: The same reason I pretend to push people in front of the subway... because it's funny! [LAUGHS] So, Grace, long time, no.... I didn't know you were a big ol' drunk.
GRACE: What? Oh, no. No, I'm not an alcoholic.
VAL: Mmm, please. Those gin blossoms on your nose say different. Oh, my God, Grace, I can't even tell you how much this program has changed my life. And it can do the same for you, you know.
GRACE: Yeah, um, I really don't have a problem.
VAL: Oh, sure you don't. When I "didn't have a problem," the thing that helped me the most were the program's mantras. Right here.
[VAL MOTIONS TO A POSTER ON THE WALL. SHE READS THE THREE MANTRAS.]
VAL: Um, "Easy Does It," "Let Go and Let God," and my favorite, "One Day at a Time," 'cause it's also a TV show.
GRACE: You know my favorite mantra? "Cheers." Also a TV show. Excuse me.
[GRACE PICKS UP A DONUT AND WALKS FOR THE DOOR.]
JUDY: Okay, everybody, sit down. Let's begin.
VAL: Ooh, Grace, Grace sit next to me. Come on, sit here, here, here.
[VAL GRABS GRACE AND SITS DOWN, PULLING HER INTO THE SEAT NEXT TO HER.]
VAL: When I start shaking I need somebody I know to hold my legs together.
[EVERYONE HAS SAT DOWN.]
VAL: Okay. I'll start. I'm Val, and I am an alcoholic.
EVERBODY: Hi, Val.
[VAL MOTIONS TO GRACE.]
VAL: [WHISPERS TO GRACE] Go.
GRACE: Um... Hi. I'm Grace, and I'm actually not--
[A WOMAN RUSHES IN WITH A LARGE COFFEE POT AND A BAG.]
PAT: Sorry I'm late. I just had to finish making my hot cocoa with homemade marshmallows!
GRACE: I'm Grace, and I'm an alcoholic.
SCENE IV: The Offices of Out TV, Focus Group Screening Room
[THE LIGHTS ARE OUT. A LARGE PLASMA TV IS SHOWING THE END OF A SAMPLE PROGRAM.]
[THE MARKETING DIRECTOR, TIM, TURNS ON THE LIGHTS AS THE OUT-TV LOGO COMES UP.]
TIM: Okay. Now that you've seen our lineup and some sample programs, I'd like to open the room up for discussion.
WILL: I guess I'll go. Will Truman, gay lawyer. And, no, I' m not interested in starring in a reality show, but thank you.
[WILL OPENS HIS NOTEPAD.]
WILL: Um... I think overall you got a lot of potential. Great shows. I love the idea for "Good Morning, Lesbian". The ones I know like to get an early start. [TO THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM] Carla, am I right?
TIM: All right, good, good. Thank you for your comments--
WILL: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got your sugar. Now you gotta take your medicine.
TIM: Excuse me?
[WILL STANDS UP NEXT TO TIM AND ADDRESSES THE GROUP.]
WILL: As a gay network, we have a responsibility to our community. Right now, our programs in general are kind of on the fluffy side. And I'm not talking about the show called "On the Fluffy Side." Where's the the historical perspective on gay life in this country? Where's the show about our continuing struggles? Where's the show that asks the hard questions? And I'm not just talking about the show called "The Hard Question."
TIM: Okay. Thank you, Will. Now let's hear from somebody else. [POINTS TO JACK] How about you. What are your thoughts?
JACK: [SURPRISED] Me? Oh, no. My friend here is the smart one. I'm just the pretty sidekick.
TIM: Oh, come on, I'm sure you must have some ideas.
JACK: Oh, I don't know. I guess I thought... You mentioned "Gay Jeopardy." It sounds a little kind of like a knockoff, doesn't it? How about something more fresh and new, like "Big Gay Brother?" Or "The Price is Right...and Gay."
TIM: Well, you'll be happy to know both those shows are currently in development. Along with "Ashamed Family Feud."
TIM: Okay, uh, any other comments?
MITCHELL: Yeah, I've been waiting to say something for a while--
WILL: Well, since nobody else has anything, I was thinking--
TIM: I'm sorry, what?
JACK: Nudity. On "Gay Jeopardy!" Maybe when one of the contestants gets a question wrong, they have to remove an article of clothing. Or wait a minute. Shift it back. Eliminate the game altogether. Just have naked men holding buzzers.
WILL: Jack, that's ridiculous.
TIM: Yeah, he's right. They don't need to be holding buzzers.
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
[GRACE IS AT HER DESK WORKING. KAREN IS TALKING TO ROSARIO ON THE PHONE.]
KAREN: [ON PHONE] Oh, Rosie. What do you mean you forgot to TiVo "One Life to Live?" [SIGHS] Damn it, woman! After my body accepts your liver, I am through with you!
[KAREN SMACKS THE PHONE ON THE DESK AND THEN SLAMS IT ON THE RECEIVER.]
GRACE: Don't get so worked up, Karen. Just take it one day at a time.
[KAREN LOOKS UP AT GRACE, AND EYES HER SUSPICIOUSLY.]
KAREN: What did you say?
GRACE: I said take it one day at a time.
KAREN: One hoo at a ha?
GRACE: You know, easy does it. Let go and let God.
KAREN: Where did you hear that? Who taught you that hate speech?
GRACE: I've been going to AA meetings.
KAREN: Grace, how could you? AA goes against everything that I believe to be good and pure in this world.
GRACE: It's just a really great place to vent, and I always feel better afterwards. It's like therapy, but instead of paying, they just ask that you give a donation, which I'm not gonna do, 'cause I'm not an alcoholic.
KAREN: Yeah. Well, it's a cult, I tell ya. Mm-hmm, just like the Moonies or the homosexuals or the elderly!
[VAL ENTERS THE OFFICE.]
VAL: Hey, Grace! You ready for our meeting? Ooh, I'm so excited, 'cause we're gonna have a special guest speaker today. I can't tell you who it is, but I'll give you a hint. He starred in the "Dick Van Dyke Show."
KAREN: [TO VAL] You. I should have known. Only a nutcase like you could be behind this.
VAL: Karen, I know that we've had some harsh words in the past, and I really do hope that you'll forgive me.
VAL: It was the drink talking.
KAREN: Yeah. Well, now my drink's talkin'...
[KAREN HOLDS UP HER MARTINI GLASS AND WIGGLES IT AROUND.]
KAREN: and it's sayin', "Drink me. I make life more fun. Everybody from a high school kid to a bum on the street knows that."
VAL: You know what? I'm not even tempted by that.
[KAREN PUSHES HER DRINK IN VAL'S FACE.]
VAL: Come on, Grace. We gotta get out of here.
[VAL RUNS OUT OF THE OFFICE.]
KAREN: Oh, come on, Grace. Please don't go. I can't afford to lose one more drinking buddy to this disease.
GRACE: I'm sorry, Karen. It's just such a set deal. Free therapy and free food? I mean, for Jews it's like hitting the lottery.
SCENE VI: The Offices of Out TV, Focus Group Screening Room
JACK: And, obviously, it would be very different than the biathalons people are used to.
WILL: Yeah, your unique take on the pole vault made that perfectly clear. I just feel we're losing sight of our mission statement.
TIM: We don't have a mission statement.
WILL: That's because I haven't read it yet.
MITCHELL: What about a tranny-athalon? We let drag queens loose in the Bronx, and see how many make it one block.
JACK: Mitchell, please don't put your stink on my ideas.
WILL: What about the idea I pitched earlier? I don't think that got a fair hearing.
MITCHELL: Ugh! Not "The Gay Ombudsman" again.
WILL: People write letters, and he solves problems. I can't believe I even have to go beyond that description!
MITCHELL: I have the first letter for him. It says: "You're a dumbass." Let's see how he solves that.
[WILL STANDS UP AND STEPS TOWARD MITCHELL. MITCHELL STANDS UP AND JACK STANDS BETWEEN THEM.]
JACK: [TO MITCHELL] How dare you call my friend dumb! If you're looking to push a button, call him "chunky."
TIM: Okay, okay, okay. All right, all right. All right, all right. You know what? There are too many voices in the room.
WILL: Thank you.
TIM: Yeah, I'd to slim it down a little.
WILL: I think that's wise.
TIM: [TO WILL] I'd like you to leave.
WILL: What? Me? Why me?
TIM: You don't seem to grasp what we're trying to do here. I think you should go.
WILL: But everybody else was yelling. Why am I being singled out?
TIM: Okay, then you and that guy. [TIM POINTS TO MITCHELL.]
MITCHELL: Why me?
TIM: So he doesn't feel bad.
WILL: I'm still gonna feel bad.
TIM: Okay, then, he can stay!
[MITCHELL SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND FOLDS HIS ARMS.]
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, TYPING ON HIS NOTEBOOK COMPUTER. GRACE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM AND WALKS TO THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: Do we have any beer? I'm dying for a beer.
WILL: Yeah, I drank it all after I mowed the lawn. You don't drink beer.
GRACE: I know, I just have a craving. Maybe 'cause Michelle was talking about having a frosty one before the state took away her kids.
GRACE: Oh... Uh, an anonymous new friend I have. I'm really not supposed to say. Oh, actually, you know her! Michelle. Yeah. Our girl from the bagel place. Yeah. She used to be a professor, drank it all away. Oh, do we have any rum?
WILL: Something's up. You're rambling, you're chirpy, you're looking for booze in the middle of the day. If you were picking me up from school naked under a mink, this would be my childhood.
GRACE: I'm just in a really good mood. I found a therapy group that I really like.
WILL: Oh, great. Where?
GRACE: Alcoholics Anonymous. It's fantastic, and, you know, not just for alcoholics anymore.
WILL: Uh, yes, it is.
GRACE: No. No, no, no. You don't know, Will. No, the program's for anyone with a problem.
WILL: No, it's not.
GRACE: Okay, well, on paper it may be wrong, but it's really helping me. They're such good listeners, you know? And that's really hard to find.
WILL: Speaking of which, can I run something by you?
GRACE: [ANNOYED] Ugh, what? Is it gonna take long?
WILL: It's an angry e-mail. I'm correcting an injustice.
GRACE: Will, it's been over ten years. They are not going to give Patti LuPone a retroactive Tony for Anything Goes.
WILL: This has nothing to do with that hideous scandal. The idiots at Out TV had the nerve to kick me out of their focus group.
GRACE: Well, at least you can use the same sign off as you did in your Tony letter: "I hate your guts, you stupid queens. Love, Will."
SCENE VIII: AA Meeting Room
[VAL, GRACE, AND OTHERS ARE SITTING IN THE CHAIRS. VAL IS SHARING.]
VAL: I remember the day that I hit bottom. I was doing pirouettes on my father's dining room table. Now, keep in mind, that was about a month after I lost my hip gambling at a senior center. [SIGHS] And all of a sudden...
PAT: Oh, I'm sorry, Val. Your time is up. It's Grace's turn.
VAL: Oh, that's okay. Mine starts to get weird anyway.
GRACE: Hi, I'm Grace. I'm still an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Grace.
GRACE: Well, ever since Leo...
[KAREN BURSTS INTO THE ROOM.]
KAREN: Attention, weaklings! This woman is a fraud. She's not an alcoholic.
VAL: Of course she is. If that's not a booze face, I don't know what is.
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Karen, get out of here.
KAREN: Grace, I am trying to help you. The first step is admitting that you don't have a problem. Come on, Grace, let's go.
VAL: She's staying! She's a horrible, horrible drunk.
KAREN: The only thing that's horrible about Grace is her hair and her clothes.
VAL: I know, it's like there no safe place to rest your eyes. She's staying!
KAREN: [WHILE PULLING GRACE OUT OF HER CHAIR] She's going!
VAL: [WHILE PULLING GRACE BACK INTO HER CHAIR] She is staying!
KAREN: [PULLING GRACE] She is going!
VAL: [PULLING GRACE] She is staying!
KAREN: [PULLING GRACE] She is going!
VAL: Accept the things you cannot change, bitch!
[KAREN PULLS A CORKSCREW OUT OF HER PURSE AND HOLDS IT UP TO VAL.]
KAREN: Time to pay the corkage fee, crazy.
GRACE: Stop! I'm not an alcoholic! Okay? [SIGHS] I'm just a woman going through a divorce who needed a place to talk where I wouldn't have to pay. Is that so wrong?
VAL: It's awful, and that's coming from a woman who stripped for her father.
KAREN: [SIGHS] [TO GRACE] Honey, you are a mess. And that's coming from a woman who stripped for your father.
GRACE: Okay, look, I... [TO KAREN] [TO EVERYONE] What? Look, I am so sorry I lied. You all have so supportive and great. I mean, if you guys could drink, we would totally hang out.
SCENE IX: The Offices of Out TV
[WILL WALKS INTO THE OFFICE. DAVE THE SECRETARY GREETS HIM.]
DAVE: Welcome to Out TV. May I help you?
WILL: Yes, you may. Will Truman. I have an appointment. I was part of a focus group here the other day. Didn't really work out, none of your business. But, uh... after a strongly-worded e-mail, the network came to their senses, wrote me back, and said they'd love to hear some of my ideas. You wanna hear one?
DAVE: Yeah, it won't help you. I make, like, six bucks an hour, and all the executives make fun of me 'cause I'm straight.
[WILL'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
WILL: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello?
JACK: [VOICE OVER PHONE] Hey, Will, I haven't seen you in a while. Take me to lunch!
WILL: [INTO PHONE] I'd love to. Can't right now. Listen to this. Out TV got my e-mail, reconsidered, and now they want to meet with me. Isn't that great?
JACK: [VOICE OVER PHONE] Great! That's really great! Let me know how it goes.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] I will. Thanks.
JACK: [VOICE OVER PHONE] Okay, bye.
[WILL HANGS UP HIS CELL PHONE.]
DAVE: He's ready for you. Right through there.
[WILL WALKS BACK INTO THE OFFICE.]
[THE CHAIR BEHIND THE DESK SWIVELS AROUND TO REVEAL... JACK McFARLAND!]
WILL: What the hell?! What are you doing here?
JACK: I'm the Junior VP of New Programming. Can you believe?! Tim liked my ideas so much, the network hired me. Isn't that exciting?
[JACK SPINS AROUND IN HIS CHAIR.]
WILL: Why didn't you tell me this before, like, I don't know... a second ago when we were on the phone?!
JACK: Well, you seemed so excited about your meeting, I didn't want to spoil it.
WILL: Ohh! I don't believe this. I mean, this channel could be a beacon of intelligence and insight for our community, and it's just a joke!
JACK: [SIGHS] Will, nobody wants to watch a beacon. Now, we are a new network. We have to do everything we can to appeal to the widest number of gay people, in Midtown, who watch TV in the middle of the night.
WILL: What you're talking about has no substance at all. I mean, it's just gonna be shows like, what, "Queer Factor."
JACK: Love it.
JACK: I love that idea. I assume it consists of straight folks running from gay people?
[JACK MOTIONS FOR WILL TO SIT DOWN.]
WILL: Well, I hadn't really given it much thought, but off the top of my head, it could be a bunch of gay guys competing by facing different phobias.
JACK: Delicious. Keep going.
WILL: Like having to get dressed for a date without a full-length mirror. Or... or having to throw a ball in front of their fathers!
JACK: I like it. I like it.
JACK: [INTO THE INTERCOM] Hey, straighty, get some coffee in here. We're making magic!
SCENE X: Grace Adler Designs
[KAREN AND GRACE ARE SITTING IN THE OFFICE, BOTH DRINKING A BOTTLE OF BEER.]
GRACE: Mmm. I love beer.
KAREN: Ain't it the greatest?
KAREN: Those people can drink this though, right?
GRACE: No, nothing.
KAREN: Ha! Crazy world.
GRACE: I know I shouldn't have been there, but... there was something really nice about having all those people around who would listen.
KAREN: Yeah. I guess that would be nice.
GRACE: Huh? What do you mean?
KAREN: Well, honey... I know you're having a rough time with your divorce and everything, but, you know, what about me and my divorce?
GRACE: Oh, well, Karen, your marriage didn't last through the reception. You spent your wedding night at a casino, making out with Celine Dion's arm choreographer.
[KAREN CHUCKLES AND MIMICS CELINE DION BY POUNDING HER FIST OVER HER HEART AND THEN SPREADING OUT HER ARM.]
GRACE: I thought you were over all your divorce stuff.
KAREN: I know, honey, but... it'd be nice just to check every once in a while. I mean, we're kind of in the same boat. Maybe we could help each other through this.
GRACE: You know what? You're right. From now on, if you ever have the need to talk about what jerks men are, you can come to me.
KAREN: Deal. And if you ever feel like you want to talk to a room full of drunks, you can come to me.
[KAREN AND GRACE SMILE AT EACH OTHER AND CLINK THEIR BOTTLES.]
KAREN: Ha ha.
KAREN: Wow. Alcoholics...
[KAREN TOSSES A BOTTLE CAP INTO THE AIR.]
[KAREN GETS QUIET, THEN SERIOUS...]
KAREN: You know... I think I recognized something in those people at that meeting. Something that I've... never had the courage to face.
GRACE: Oh, Karen... [GRACE HOLDS KAREN'S HAND] You can tell to me.
KAREN: I'm really scared to say this, but.... [KAREN TAKES A DEEP BREATH] I think Rosario might have a drinking problem.