Original Airdate 4/29/2004
Part 1 written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jhoni Marchinko
Part 2 written by: Kari Lizer & Sonja Warfield
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
John Cleese (Lyle Finster)
Harry Connick Jr. (Dr. Leo Markus)
Tim Curry (Marion Finster)
Leslie Jordan (Beverley Leslie)
Jennifer Lopez (Herself)
Tara O'Connor (Photographer)
Michael Morris (Ethan)
Mark Juliano (Himself)
SCENE I: Karen's Private Jet
[THE JET IS PARKED AT THE AIRPLANE. KAREN, JACK, AND WILL BOARD THE JET AND GET COMFY.]
JACK: So, Karen, I can't believe you're doing this. Eloping to Vegas. [GASPS] It's so romantic. Taking your sacred vows in the city of water slides and titty bars.
WILL: What happened to the big fall wedding you were planning? You know, the three thousand people in St. Patrick's Cathedral. Did-did the walls start bleeding when you walked in?
KAREN: I don't know, honey. We were doing all that wedding planning and all the sudden, Lyle just said, "Hey! Screw it. Let's go to Vegas and get married." He loves Caesar's Palace. There's a little salsa there.
WILL: God, this plane is fantastic!
KAREN: Thanks, honey.
WILL: You know, I am only travelling like this from now on. How much does it cost to charter a plane like this for the weekend.
KAREN: Two-hundred and seventy thousand dollars.
WILL: You know what else is fantastic? JetBlue.
JACK: So this is fun. Yeah. I haven't been on your plane since we flew down to Mexico to smuggle in some new staff for you.
WILL: Hee hee! Grace is going to be so jealous she missed this.
JACK: Why is she missing this?
KAREN: Oh. Work. She's designing a sex room for one of the gals from "The View." She can meet us in Vegas tomorrow.
WILL: Yeah, Leo's gonna meet us there, too. Oddly, Cambodia and New York, no direct flights. Cambodia, Vegas, four shuttles a day. Yeah. It's gonna be their big romantic reunion.
JACK: I still don't think it's fair. Why does Grace get to bring her husband, and we don't get to bring our boyfriends?
[SIGHS] Oh, come on, honey, you know what would happen. You gals would get all misty-eyed at my wedding, wanna do it yourselves and put me in the awkward position of having to come out against gay marriage.
WILL: You know, that would piss me off... if you weren't giving us this free trip.
[LYLE ENTERS THE PLANE.]
LYLE: Oh, sorry, darling. I'm really not sure about this. You know, I get petrified about flying.
KAREN: Oh, darling, I feel bad. I just took the last 12 Xanax.
LYLE: I know it's childish of me, but I just have this vision of the plane going out of control and smashing into the side of the mountain. Ah, listen to me prattling away. I should just get into the cockpit and have us cleared for takeoff. Enjoy your flight, everyone.
[LYLE PUTS ON A PILOT'S HAT AND WALKS INTO TO THE COCKPIT.]
SCENE II: Karen's Private Jet
[THE PLANE IS FLYING TO VEGAS. JACK, WILL, AND KAREN ARE SITTING IN THE SOFAS, RELAXING.]
LYLE: [VOICE] Ladies and Gentlemen, if you look off the right side of the plane, you can see the mighty Mississippi, celebrated in literature and song. And off the left side, you can see-- Bloody hell, another plane. Hang on, everyone!
[THE PLANE BANKS SHARPLY, TOSSING EVERYONE TO ONE SIDE.]
[THE PLANE LEVELS OUT.]
KAREN: Okay, kids, here are your packets.
[KAREN HANDS WILL AND JACK AN ORANGE ENVELOPE EACH.]
KAREN: Everything you need once we hit Vegas. Show tickets, mad money, and if you wanna get some sun by the pool, I threw in a thong and a razor for your ass.
WILL: I'm gonna hit the blackjack tables. I learned how to play on my last gay cruise. I got pretty good too. They called me the "BJ Kid."
[WILL THINKS ABOUT WHAT HE SAID FOR A SECOND. KAREN AND JACK LOOK AT HIM, SUPRISED.]
WILL: I hope it was 'cause of the blackjack. Are you gonna play, Jack?
JACK: Oh--[CHUCKLING] No. All that "hit me, hit me" gets me excited for all the wrong reasons.
WILL: You know, we could play as a team. Maximize our winnings, minimize our loses. That's what I did on the gay cruise. Guys wanted to team up with me all the time. I'd get calls in the middle of the night just asking for the BJ Kid.
KAREN: Gosh, I'm starving. Where is that lazy-ass stewardess?
[KAREN PUSHES THE CALL BUTTON.]
[ROSARIO ENTERS THE CABIN, PUSHING A CART.]
ROSARIO: Okay, here we go.
[ROSARIO HANDS JACK A BOWL OF NUTS.]
ROSARIO: Warm nuts.
[ROSARIO ROLLS HER EYES AND GIVES WILL A BOWL OF NUTS.]
ROSARIO: Warm nuts.
[ROSARIO GIVES KAREN HER BOWL.]
ROSARIO: Warm nuts.
ROSARIO: Get your mind out of the gutter. They're just nuts.
[ROSARIO GIGGLES AS SHE PUSHES THE CART AWAY.]
[KAREN IS SITTING IN HER CHAIR WITH THE WEDDING PLANS.]
KAREN: Well, looks like everything's all set for the wedding. [READING] Flowers, clean needles, Jordan almonds... Hey, what's this "light beer" on here?
[LYLE ENTERS THE CABIN FROM THE COCKPIT.]
LYLE: Well, I figured out how the auto-pilot works. Finally, after two weeks of flying, ha!
KAREN: Darling, what's with this light beer?
LYLE: Oh, I like light beer. I got two going in the cockpit right now.
KAREN: We can't have light beer at my wedding. It's tacky. And I've got these two fags here who are gonna be judging everything I do.
WILL: It's true.
JACK: It's true.
LYLE: Well, I want light beer.
KAREN: Well, I don't.
LYLE: All right, well, we'll discuss this when we get to Miami.
LYLE: Oh, dear.
[LYLE HURRIES BACK INTO THE COCKPIT.]
KAREN: Sheesh. Can you believe him? Light beer. What's next? Non-addictive painkillers? [SCOFFS]
JACK: Karen, marriage is about compromise. You know, maybe you just let him have this one.
WILL: Yeah, in the big scheme of things is it really that important? I mean, it's beer. It's not like something crucial like the mini crab cakes.
KAREN: Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm making too much of it. He can have his beer. Oh, and, Will, uh, we decided against the mini crab cakes. We're going with the chicken sauté.
WILL: [LOOKS AT HIS WATCH] 9:12 AM, the time the trip was officially ruined.
SCENE III: Caesars Palace, Las Vegas
[KAREN AND LYLE ARE RIDING UP THE ESCALATOR TO THE CASINO.]
KAREN: Ah, Vegas. I can't wait to go gambling. I mean, sure I may lose 100 grand. But the drinks are free, it all evens out.
LYLE: I'm just sorry that my daughter couldn't attend our wedding. And Lorraine could be making so much money on the out-of-towners.
KAREN: I know. Who would have thought that there could be such an aggressive strain of herpes that it could keep you from flying.
LYLE: Yeah. Anyway, thanks so much, darling, for agreeing to get married here.
KAREN: Well, you know, I'd do anything for you. Except for what I did last night. That was just a one time thing. [laughing]
KAREN: [SINGING] Lah-ba-da, bee-ba-da...
[MARK JULIANO INTRODUCES HIMSELF TO KAREN AND LYLE.]
MARK JULIANO: Hi, Mrs. Walker. Mark Juliano, I'm the president of Caesars Palace. Is there anything I can do for you?
KAREN: Well, uh, yes, actually. I understand that Celine Dion works for you. I was wondering if you could have her sent up to our room later to give us foot massages.
MARK JULIANO: She doesn't do that.
LYLE: How 'bout Elton John?
MARK JULIANO: Well, he might. I'll ask.
LYLE: Thank you.
[MARK JULIANO WALKS OFF. KAREN AND LYLE CONTINUE THEIR STROLL THROUGH THE CASINO.]
KAREN: [SINGING] Ah-ba-da, Bee-ba-da, Doopity-doopity-doo...
[KAREN CONTINUES SINGING AS HER AND LYLE WALK THROUGH THE CASINO.]
KAREN: Look, Lyle. I think I recognize those two from New York.
[KAREN POINTS TO A BLACKJACK TABLE. WILL AND JACK ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE TALKING.]
LYLE: Isn't it awkward when you meet someone on the plane and then keep bumping into them the whole trip?
[LYLE AND KAREN WALK OFF...]
WILL: I have a big surprise for Grace and Leo when they get here. I upgraded their room. And I sent champagne and had them sprinkle rose petals on their bed. Well, they didn't have rose petals, so French fries. I figured that would get Grace into bed faster.
JACK: Why are you playing Cupid with them? Is it 'cause you're chubby and five minutes away from a diaper?
WILL: Hey. They haven't seen each other in six months. I just want their romantic reunion to be special. You know, when they're standing in that beautiful room, looking into each other's eyes, I want them to think, "I love Will."
[TWO MEN DRESSED AS ROMAN GLADIATOR SOLDIERS WALK BY.]
JACK: Ooh, that reminds me. I have to get condoms.
[WILL WINS HIS HAND.]
WILL: Yes! And that is why they call me the BJ Kid. Heh. I hope.
JACK: [TO THE DEALER] Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Damn it, I shoulda stayed at 19! [TO WILL] Ah, go ahead, Will, kick me off your team. I stink at this. I'm like a bad luck charm. A big ol' jinx. [CHUCKLES.]
[EVERYONE AT THE TABLE GETS UP AND LEAVES.]
WILL: No, no, no, we are in this together. Who cares if one guy's down 240 and the other guy's up 650? That still leaves the team with 410 dollars. Minus the $100 initial investment. That's a $310 profit in a 45 minute period.
JACK: Explain that to me again without the numbers and pat my head.
WILL: You don't have to do any of the thinking. Just sit there and look pretty.
[WILL PUTS HIS HAND ON JACK'S HAND.]
JACK: Oh, thanks, buddy. You always look out for me.
[JACK PUTS HIS OTHER HAND ON TOP OF WILL'S HAND.]
[KAREN RUNS UP TO WILL AND JACK AND PULLS THEIR HANDS APART.]
KAREN: Oh, cut that out. You wanna get us all killed?
[KAREN SMACKS WILL ON THE ARM.]
SCENE IV: Caesars Palace, Ladies' Restroom
[LATER. KAREN IS IN THE BATHROOM LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, FIXING HER MAKE-UP, SINGING.]
KAREN: [SINGING] I'm as corny as Kansas in August, High as the flag on the Fourth of July. If you'll excuse an expression I use I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful guy!
[A TOILET FLUSHES.]
[JENNIFER LOPEZ WALKS OUT OF THE STALL.]
JENNIFER: Yeah, well, it'll never last.
KAREN: Jennifer Lopez?
JENNIFER: Shh. Please, I'm on vacation. Can I just get a hand towel and a pack of Chicklets?
KAREN: What?! Honey, I don't work here.
JENNIFER: Oh, I'm sorry. You know, you see a white girl in a bathroom, you just assume.
KAREN: No, honey, don't you remember? I'm Karen. We met through Rosario. You guys used to take tap together in the Bronx way back when.
JENNIFER: Oh! [LAUGHS] Rosie! God, I haven't seen her since we performed "Tea for Two" at the Shalom Retirement Center. How is she doing? Is she still working on her Masters?
KAREN: Yeah, she sorta got a little sidetracked. So, uh, keeping yourself busy these days?
JENNIFER: No, kinda taking it easy. You know, promoting my fragrance. Uh, shooting a movie in L.A. Working on a new line of track suits. And studying for my real estate license. Do you rent or own?
KAREN: Honey, I own everyone. Great, well, since you're not up to much, you wanna sing at my wedding tonight?
JENNIFER: Ooh, tonight? [THINKS] Uh...I'm opening the restaurant. Mixing a new CD. Uh, finishing my novel. So... Okay! Besides, it'll be great to see Rosario. Does she still wear all those colorful outfits?
KAREN: Yeah, she's, uh... sort of in a gray phase right now.
JENNIFER: Well, I guess I'll see you tonight. Oh, and don't tell my manager. He'll want ten percent.
SCENE V: Caesars Palace, The Casino
[JACK AND WILL ARE SITTING AT THEIR BLACKJACK TABLE. LYLE HAS JOINED THEM.]
LYLE: Well, here we are, three single men in Vegas. What sort of trouble are we gonna get ourselves into tonight?
WILL: We were gonna go to Chippendales.
LYLE: Oh, I'll see you at the wedding.
[LYLE STANDS UP TO LEAVE WHEN KAREN APPROACHES.]
KAREN: Darling, great news. While I was in the crapper, I found a singer for our reception.
LYLE: Oh, super, I can't wait to dance the first dance as Mr. and Mrs. Lyle Finster.
KAREN: What?! I ain't changing my name. I like my name. Carol--
WILL AND JACK: Karen.
KAREN: Texas Ranger.
WILL AND JACK: Walker.
LYLE: But, darling, if you don't take my name, all the chaps at the gardening club will think me unmanly.
KAREN: Yeah, well, forget about it. Ain't gonna happen.
LYLE: Fine, well, let the castrating commence, eh?
[LYLE WALKS OFF.]
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Can you believe him? Wanting me to change my name. I've had that name my entire life!
JACK: Well, Karen, actually Walker was Stan's name. Before that you were Popeil and St. Croix. Your real name's Delaney.
KAREN: [GIGGLES] Oh, right. Zany Delaney. [LAUGHS] Ha ha ha ha! But I don't wanna go back to that, and I don't wanna give him this either.
JACK: But don't you need to change your name every few years to throw the Feds off?
KAREN: That's true. And it would be a lot easier than sandpapering off my fingerprints. Well, all right. I'll give him this one too.
[KAREN WALKS OFF. WILL AND JACK FOCUS THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO THE CARD GAME.]
WILL: Damn it! Busted again.
JACK: Yay, 21!
WILL: Thank God we're a team 'cause I am down to my last 10 dollars.
JACK: Yeah, about that, the team's over. I'm rich!
[JACK RUNS OFF.]
SCENE VI: Outside Caesars Palace
[KAREN, LYLE, WILL, AND JACK ARE HAVING PHOTOS TAKEN. THE MARQUEE DISPLAYS "CONGRATULATIONS KAREN & LYLE" WITH THEIR PICTURE SURROUNDED BY A HEART.]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Can I get you guys to squeeze in a little closer together?
KAREN: How blessed am I that I get to share this wonderful occasion with the people that I love the most?
[EVERYONE PUTS THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER AND MOVE CLOSER.]
KAREN: All right, now one without the queers.
[KAREN PUSHES WILL AND JACK AWAY. THEY WALK OVER TO THE SIDE, AWAY FROM KAREN AND LYLE.]
JACK: Are you still mad at me, Will?
WILL: No, Jack, I'm not a child. I don't hold silly grudges.
JACK: Oh, good. 'Cause look what I bought with my winnings.
[JACK TAKES OFF HIS WATCH AND HANDS IT TO WILL.]
WILL: Wow, nice.
JACK: Yeah, and it tells the time in every time zone.
WILL: I wonder what time it is on the sidewalk.
[WILL TOSSES THE WATCH DOWN ONTO THE STREET.]
[JACK GASPS AND TURNS TO KAREN.]
JACK: Karen, did you just see what Will did?
KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Would it help if I played with your breasts for awhile?
JACK: [SIGHS] Okay.
KAREN: [RUBBING JACK'S CHEST] Whoo. La la la la.
[LEO MARKUS WALKS UP.]
LEO: Hey, weren't you two doing that when I left?
KAREN: Honey, Look!
JACK: It's Leo!
[JACK HUGS LEO.]
JACK: Ooh, somebody lost some weight.
LEO: Ah, thank you.
JACK: It was me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get my watch back from that guy before the ambulance takes him away.
[JACK RUNS OFF TO GET HIS WATCH.]
WILL: [TO LEO] Hey, buddy.
[WILL HUGS LEO.]
LEO: [TO KAREN AND LYLE] Hey, guys.
KAREN: Oh, hey, Leo.
LEO: Hey, Karen. [INTODUCING HIMSELF TO LYLE] Hi, Leo Markus.
[LEO AND LYLE SHAKE HANDS.]
LYLE: Lyle Finster.
KAREN: You know, I've heard so much about you. Karen says that you have all the qualities she looks for in a man. So...I guess you own a bottle opener.
LYLE: Keep it on my belt.
KAREN: [TO LEO] Honey, now, could you get out of our picture? I don't mean to be offensive. But, uh, this is a Gentiles-only photograph. Ha ha.
WILL: [TO LEO] Grace can't wait to see you. You're all she talked about for four months.
LEO: Oh, Grace didn't call ya? Oh, she's not coming. She threw her back out installing a rubber swing for one of the ladies on "The View." I can't tell you which one, but it's not the one you think.
LYLE: Well, that's terrible. That means the insurance will go up on all our rubber swings.
WILL: So wait, wait, she's not coming at all? We were gonna get our hair blown out together.
LEO: Oh, Will, this must be so painful for you.
[LEO PUTS HIS HAND ON WILL'S SHOULDER.]
KAREN: Wait a minute! Wait a minute, what am I supposed to do? I can't get married without my best girl. We're gonna have to postpone!
LYLE: No, we can't postpone. I want to start my new life with you right now.
KAREN: Darling, so do I. Okay, come on, let's do it. Besides, I'll have lots of other weddings that Grace can come to. Let's go get our pictures taken in the Jacuzzi.
[LYLE AND KAREN WALK AWAY.]
WILL: Well... You must be so bummed she's not here. Hey, come on. Let's call her. Yeah, we'll do something cute. Like talk in chipmunk voices or do a comical rap. Come on, let's call her.
LEO: Hey, hey, you know what? Let's call her later. I'm dying to go gambling. You know, I got 112,000 in Cambodia money. That's almost four bucks of fun.
SCENE VII: The Wedding Chapel
[KAREN AND ROSARIO ARE OUTSIDE THE WEDDING CHAPEL GETTING READY FOR THE CEREMONY.]
ROSARIO: I can't tell you how proud I am to be part of your special day.
KAREN: Oh, well, you are a part of it, Rosie. That's why I want you to walk into that chapel, get down on your hands and knees with some Endust and a shammy and makes those floors shine.
ROSARIO: You said I was your bridesmaid.
KAREN: No. [LAUGHS] I said you're the bride's maid. Now get!
[ROSARIO SULKS INTO THE CHAPEL.]
[LYLE WALKS IN WITH HIS BROTHER, MARION FINSTER.]
LYLE: Darling, I want you to meet my brother, Marion.
KAREN: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
KAREN: One more time.
KAREN: Ha ha ha ha, I'm sorry. I keep hearing "Marion."
MARION: Well, may I say on behalf of all the Finsters, welcome to the family. I've always wanted a sister.
[MARION GRABS KAREN AND DIPS HER AND KISSES HER ON THE LIPS.]
MARION: Whoa, congratulations, brother. [CHUCKLES.]
[MARION GRABS LYLE AND DIPS HIM AND KISSES HIM ON THE LIPS.]
MARION: Okay. See you in the chapel.
[MARION WALKS INTO THE CHAPEL.]
KAREN: Boy. Your brother sure can kiss.
LYLE: That's nothing. Wait 'til you meet my dad.
[INSIDE THE CHAPEL. WILL IS SITTING DOWN IN THE FRONT ROW. JACK ENTERS THE CHAPEL.]
JACK: Psst. Will. Since Grace isn't here, Karen would like you to read this at the wedding.
[JACK HANDS WILL A PIECE OF PAPER.]
WILL: This is a profile of Amy Brenneman from TV Guide.
JACK: Yeah, but look what she says about love.
WILL: [READS THE CAPTION] Awww!
[JACK WALKS BACK TO THE LOBBY.]
[LEO WALKS IN AND SITS BEHIND WILL.]
LEO: [TO WILL] Hey there, hockey pucks. What is this, a moron convention? Sorry, I just came from the Don Rickles show at the Stardust.
WILL: Are you drunk?
LEO: Little bit. [IMITATING ELVIS] It's Vegas, baby.
WILL: What's the matter with you? Karen's gonna be drunk. You dodon't pull focus from the bride.
LEO: I-I-I'm sorry. I've been in Cambodia. It's been awhile since I had a drink that wasn't mixed with bacteria. [CHUCKLES] I said "bacteria."
WILL: All the way from "Doctors without Humor." Listen, I talked to Karen, and she said if you wanna take her plane back to New York, you're welcome to it. You know, it's just gonna be sitting there 'til Thursday, when it has to... bring arms to Panama.
LEO: I don't know, you know. I'm having fun. Did I mention, it's Vegas, baby?
WILL: Yeah, but you can be with Grace in less than four hours.
LEO: What? And miss Karen's wedding. I love Karen. And you know who else I love? You.
WILL: Okay, what the hell is going on here?
[CUT TO THE LOBBY. KAREN IS PUTTING A BOUTONNIERE ON JACK'S JACKET.]
KAREN: Jackie, I'm so happy. And you know, you were right. Marriage is about compromise. I gave up a lot, but I got stuff too.
JACK: Like what, Kare?
KAREN: Well, Lyle wanted me to walk down the aisle to "Here Comes the Bride." But then I told him that ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed that at my fourth wedding... I would walk down the aisle to "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones. And he went for it.
JACK: That's great. But weren't you saving "Sympathy for the Devil" for your fifth wedding?
KAREN: Honey, that would be in bad taste. Fifth wedding is traditionally "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy.
[CUT TO THE CHAPEL.]
WILL: No, really, why don't you wanna see your wife?
LEO: Back off, all right. It's none of your business.
WILL: It is my business. She's my best friend. What is going on with you?
LEO: I'm just not ready to see her yet.
LEO: I don't wanna talk about this right now.
[THE WEDDING BEGINS. THE DOORS OPEN AND KAREN AND JACK STEP IN. "HERE COMES THE BRIDE" BEGINS PLAYING.]
KAREN: What the--?!
[KAREN GETS WEAK-KNEED AND ALMOST PASSES OUT. JACK HELPS HER UP AND PUSHES HER DOWN THE AISLE.]
WILL: Leo, tell me.
LEO: Drop it. We're in the middle of a wedding.
WILL: Not until you tell me what the hell is going on.
LEO: I kissed someone, okay. I kissed someone when I was in Cambodia.
[JACK HELPS KAREN TO THE ALTAR.]
JACK: [TO LYLE] Here comes the bride. And she is pissed.
SCENE VIII: The Wedding Reception, Caesars Palace Ballroom
KAREN: You know, I am very angry with you. I didn't say anything until now because we were busy consummating our marriage in the cloak room. You promised that we would walk down the aisle to "Sympathy for the Devil."
LYLE: I took an executive decision. You don't get to be president of a company that sells rat traps to breweries without being able to think on your feet.
KAREN: Lyle, that was very important to me.
LYLE: Let it go, woman. We're just about to have our first dance.
KAREN: I am not speaking to you.
LYLE: Just did.
KAREN: I mean from here on.
LYLE: Still doing it.
KAREN: Starting now.
LYLE: That counts.
[JACK IS ON THE STAGE.]
JACK: [INTO THE MICROPHONE] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am your host for this evening, Jack McFarland. Hello. And to honor those of you who have traveled so far from Great Britain to be with us here tonight, I'll be translating my remarks into English.
JACK: And now... for their first dance as husband and wife...
JACK: [WITH BRITISH ACCENT] And now, for their first donce as husband and wife...
JACK: Please welcome to the fabulous Caesars ballroom...
JACK: [WITH BRITISH ACCENT] Please welcome to the fabulous Caesars bollroom...
JACK: Mr. and Mrs. Lyle Finster.
JACK: [WITH BRITISH ACCENT] Mr. and Mrs. Lordy-loo Bumbershoot.
LYLE: Darling, we're a hit.
KAREN: Don't you try to make nice with me. I am furious at you!
LYLE: I adore you.
KAREN: Don't change the subject.
LYLE: I could swim in your bosom for months.
KAREN: Keep talking.
LYLE: I could flop on your flesh for minutes.
KAREN: Oh, Lyle. How can I stay mad at you? Not when you repeat our wedding vows.
[LYLE AND KAREN BEGIN DANCING.]
JACK: [INTO THE MICROPHONE] At this point in the evening, we'd like to invite everybody else on to the dance floor, okay? Unless your thighs rub together when you walk. Then, you can sit tight for the cake.
[MARION WALKS UP TO LYLE AND KAREN.]
MARION: May I cut in?
KAREN: Oh, how lovely.
[MARION TAKES LYLES' ARMS AND LEADS HIM IN A DANCE, LEAVING KAREN STANDING ALONE.]
MARION: It's so touching that you're wearing Mother's suit on your wedding day.
[KAREN'S FRIEND AND RIVAL, BEVERLEY LESLIE, SAUNTERS UP TO KAREN.]
BEVERLEY: Well, well, well. Even at her own wedding, still sad and alone.
KAREN: Ah, Beverley Leslie. What a treat. I'm so glad I put you in the overhead compartment now.
BEVERLEY: [CHUCKLES] I am so sorry I missed the ceremony. But tell me this, darling, do they still say "'til death do us part" when the bride is a vampire?
KAREN: [CHUCKLES] Darling, it's all right that you missed it. Probably just as well. There was some children there, and they get frightened when something your size isn't covered in Muppet fur.
BEVERLEY: Shall we dance?
KAREN: I'd love to. Hop on my feet.
[KAREN AND BEVERLEY BEGIN DANCING.]
[LEO IS STANDING AT THE BAR WHEN WILL WALKS IN LOOKING FOR HIM.]
WILL: [TO LEO] There you are. You just drop this bomb on me about kissing someone, then you walk away?
LEO: [NOTICING WILL'S CLOTHES] Did you have a costume change?
WILL: Well...yeah. It's the reception. Two different outfits. I also have a cashmere sweat suit for the casino and a silk robe for running to the ice machine.
LEO: Wow, is there any part of the stereotype you don't fit?
WILL: So what happened? Start talking.
LEO: Nothing, nothing happened. It was a kiss. I just feel really guilty about it.
WILL: 'Cause it was with guy?
LYLE: What?! No.
WILL: Oh. Sorry, it's just-- It's Grace. You know, I had to ask.
[JACK TAKES THE STAGE.]
JACK: [INTO THE MICROPHONE] And now the bride and grown would like you to join them in a sacred expression of their undying love. The Chicken Dance. Rosie, you like chicken. Why don't you lead?
ROSARIO: Okay, everybody, just do what I do. Hit it.
["THE CHICKEN DANCE" BEGINS PLAYING. ROSARIO, KAREN, BEVERLEY, AND EVERYONE ELSE BEGINS DANCING THE CHICKEN DANCE.]
[JACK NOTICES WILL AND LEO STANDING AT THE BAR. HE HURRIES OVER TO THEM.]
JACK: Will! Leo! How dare you sit out the Chicken Dance? There's nothing more insulting to a bride. Let's go.
[JACK DRAGS WILL AND LEO ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR.]
[WILL AND LEO DO THE CHICKEN DANCE AS THEY TALK.]
WILL: So who is she?
LEO: She's no one. A volunteer with the Red Cross.
WILL: Oh, my God, I saw that on "ER." Go on.
LEO: We had this party on the last night and-- and we all got a little bit too drunk. We kissed. That's all.
WILL: That's all? Nothing else?
LEO: I swear, nothing.
WILL: Oh, good. I was gonna wear something totally different for the Chicken Dance.
KAREN: [TO BEVERLEY] Come on, get your arms up. It's the Chicken Dance. Not the Chicken McNugget Dance.
BEVERLEY: That damn maid of yours is going too fast!
MARION: Oh, Lyle, too bad our father isn't alive to see this.
LYLE: He isn't?
MARION: Oh, damn, I knew there was something I was supposed to tell you.
[THE SONG ENDS. KAREN TAKES THE STAGE.]
KAREN: [INTO THE MICROPHONE] Okay, everybody, wasn't that fun? Go back to your seats. Got a special treat for everyone. Shrimp cocktail.
ROSARIO: Oh, I love shrimp cocktail.
KAREN: You get cantaloupe.
[JACK WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
JACK: Karen, did you talk to Lyle about the music? Did you tell him you were pissed? 'Cause I'd be pissed.
KAREN: Yes, I told him how I felt. He invalidated those feelings. And then I washed down my rage with several vodka martinis and a pill I found on the floor. I'm fine. Why are you trying to make something of it?!
JACK: Oh, I didn't really care that much. I just wanted to have a dramatic moment with you.
KAREN: Well, now you've had it, haven't you?!
JACK: I guess I have.
[KAREN STOMPS AWAY FROM JACK.]
[WILL AND LEO ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, TALKING.]
LEO: Anyway, that's why I've been all weird about seeing Grace. You know? I miss her so much. I just got all of this guilt. Don't let the Southern accent throw ya. There's a lotta Jew under here.
WILL: So you know what you have to do, don't you? You have to tell her.
LEO: I do? I was kinda hoping telling you was kinda the same thing.
WILL: Oh, it is, don't get me wrong. But you still have to do it.
LEO: Yeah, I know, I just wish there was a way I could soften the blow a little bit. How do you think it would look on a cake?
WILL: Ah, it wouldn't work. She eats faster than she can read.
LEO: She eats faster than she can run.
WILL: Look, she's gonna be mad at first, but then, she'll get past it. I mean, it was just a kiss, right?
WILL: Right. So don't worry about it. You'll make it through. You know, your relationship is strong. In fact, it's you two that give me hope that love can weather anything. Well, you and-- and Amy Brenneman.
LEO: Yeah, you were kinda bawling through that whole TV Guide piece.
WILL: The woman's a poet. I tell you, this is one gay man who will no longer be judging Amy. Now go call your wife.
LEO: Thanks, man. I'm really happy I married you and Grace.
[KAREN IS IN THE LOBBY FIXING HER MAKE-UP.]
[JENNIFER LOPEZ ENTERS THE LOBBY, FOLLOWED BY TWO MALE DANCERS. SHE WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
JENNIFER: [TO KAREN] Sorry, I'm late. Did I miss the Chicken Dance?
KAREN: Yeah, you did, honey. We just finished it. It was a good one too. Rosie led it.
JENNIFER: Damn it! [TO ONE OF HER DANCERS] You see, Ethan, if you wouldn't have made us wait 'til the end of Psychic Detectives.
ETHAN: You were watching it too.
JENNIFER: That's 'cause you got me hooked on it. Oh, with that one that dy kept seeing the red shoe, that freaked me out for a week.
KAREN: Okay. Listen, why don't you stretch your queens, and I'll introduce you in a minute?
JENNIFER: Come on, guys, limber up.
[JENNIFER AND THE TWO DANCERS BEGIN STRETCHING. JENNIFER SNIFFS FOR A SECOND AND STOPS.]
JENNIFER: Which one of you guys is not wearing Glow? What do you think? I put that stuff in your Christmas stocking for nothing?
[WILL RUNS INTO THE LOBBY, EXCITEDLY.]
WILL: Hi. Hi, there.
[WILL SHAKES JENNIFER'S HAND.]
WILL: I saw you here, and I totally wanna respect your privacy, but I am such a huge fan.
JENNIFER: Oh, thank you.
WILL: I read everything about you.
WILL: You know, People, Us, Star, The Enquirer. Sometimes I even go online.
JENNIFER: I'm sorry, are you saying that the details of my personal life-- the tragedy, the pain, the heartache-- that-- that's entertaining to you?
WILL: Oh! God, yes!
JENNIFER: Are you wearing Glow?
[JENNIFER LEANS IN AND SMELLS WILL.]
[CUT TO THE RECEPTION. JACK AND ROSARIO ARE SITTING AT A TABLE. JACK IS ENJOYING ONE OF THE SHRIMP COCKTAILS ON THE TABLE. ROSARIO'S SHRIMP COCKTAIL HAS CANTELOPE WEDGES INSTEAD OF SHRIMP.]
JACK: Mmm. Shrimp. You know what's the best thing about Vegas? You can just toss the tails right on the floor.
[JACK TOSSES HIS SHRIMP TAIL ON THE FLOOR.]
JACK: Yeah. That's why they call it Sin City. [CHUCKLES]
ROSARIO: Do you remember our wedding, Jack?
JACK: Like it was yesterday. You were a beautiful bride, Rosie.
ROSARIO: You too.
JACK: Oh, Rosie. Promise me, if in five years, we're still single, you'll be my maid.
[ROSARIO SMILES AND NODS.]
JACK: [TO ROSARIO] Shrimp?
BEVERLEY: [TO JACK, AS HE WALKS PAST] Queer!
[JACK AND ROSARIO LOOK AT BEVERLEY AS HE WALKS BY.]
KAREN: [INTO MICROPHONE] Hello, everyone. I'm Karen Finster. God, I hate that name. I've got a treat for you. Whoo! The hardest working lady in show business. That's right. She's an actress. She's a singer. She's a dancer.
JACK: [GASPS] Oh, my God, she's talking about me. Oh, my God. I don't have anything prepared! Now I do.
KAREN: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Jennifer Lopez. Or as she's known to millions of her fans, "Jen Pez!"
[JENNIFER LOPEZ MAKES HER ENTRANCE, FOLLOWED BY HER TWO DANCERS.]
JENNIFER: Hey, everybody.
[ONE OF HER DANCERS, ETHAN, FALLS DOWN TO THE GROUND.]
ETHAN: [SCREAMS] Ah! I slipped on a shrimp tail. [ETHAN HOLDS UP THE SHRIMP TAIL JACK THREW AWAY.]
JENNIFER: Ethan, please tell me you didn't rip my jeans.
JACK: Everybody out of the way. Out of the way. Oh, my God, Jennifer Lopez. I'll worship you in a minute. I am an accredited nurse who recently gave it up to pursue acting. [TO ETHAN] Tell me where it hurts.
JENNIFER: Oh, God, please tell me it's not the anterior cruxiate ligament.
JACK: Okay, it's not.
JENNIFER: I can't do my show unless I have two backup dancers.
KAREN: You can't just do it with one?
JENNIFER: Because I need two.
KAREN: [CHUCKLES] Can't do it with just one?
KAREN: Why not one?
JENNIFER: 'Cause it's not two.
KAREN: Damn it! She's got an answer for everything.
JENNIFER: So unless somebody here knows every move of my intricately planned choreography, I'm gonna have to cancel and paid in full.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE RUNS UP TO TOWARDS THE STAGE.]
BEVERLEY: Miss Lopez. Miss Lopez, I can do it. I know all the moves--
[AS BEVERLEY LESLIE RUNS PAST JACK, JACK SHOVES HIM AND SENDS HIM SAILING ACROSS THE ROOM, WHERE HE FALLS TO THE GROUND.]
JACK: Miss Lopez, I can do it. I know all the steps by heart.
JENNIFER: Okay, well, can you do this?
[JENNIFER DOES A DANCE MOVE: SHE KICKS OUT HER LEG AND ROTATES HER HIPS AND TURNS HER HEAD.]
[JACK MIMICS THE MOVE.]
JENNIFER: Let me check the butt.
[JACK TURNS AROUND AND LIFTS HIS JACKET SO JENNIFER LOPEZ CAN LOOK AT HIS BUTT.]
JENNIFER: Girl, you're hired!
SCENE IX: The Wedding Reception, Caesars Palace Ballroom
[JENNIFER HAS TAKEN THE STAGE AS EVERYONE APPLAUDS.]
JENNIFER: [INTO MICROPHONE] Thank you. It is great to be here at the fabulous Caesars Ballroom. Oh, before we start, I wanna say hi to one of my old friends, Rosario. Rosie, are you here?
ROSARIO: [STANDING UP] Here I am!
JENNIFER: I must have been thinking of a different Rosie.
ROSARIO: It's the same one.
[ROSARIO SITS DOWN.]
JENNIFER: Well...I changed a lot too. You know, when Karen asked me to sing at her wedding, I said yes because I believe in love. I said yes because I believe in the magic that two people can create together. And I said yes because I get to keep one of the centerpieces. Heh-heh...
WILL: [SCREECHING] We love you, Jennifer!
JENNIFER: So I'm gonna do a little number from my new CD.
KAREN: No! Classic J.Lo!
WILL: [SCREECHING] "Waiting for Tonight"! I can't stop myself.
JENNIFER: Okay, "Waiting for Tonight" it is.
[A DANCE REMIX OF "WAITING FOR TONIGHT" BEGINS PLAYING.]
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Like a movie scene/In the sweetest dreams/I pictured us together--
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Now I feel your lips/On my fingertips/I have to say is even better--
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Than I ever thought/It could possibly be/It's perfect, it's passion/It's setting me free--
[JENNIFER'S DANCER JUMPS ONTO THE STAGE FROM THE LEFT.]
JENNIFER: [SINGING] From all of my sadness--
[JACK JUMPS ONTO THE STAGE FROM THE RIGHT.]
JENNIFER: [SINGING] The tears that I've cried/I have spent all of my life...
[JENNIFER LOPEZ, JACK, AND THE DANCER BEGIN A SYNCRONIZED DANCE ROUTINE DURING THE INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE.]
[JACK AND THE DANCER CONTINUE AS JENNIFER SINGS THE CHORUS.]
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Waiting for tonight/When you would be here in my arms
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Waiting for tonight/I've dreamed of this love for so long
JENNIFER: [SINGING] Waiting for tonight
[THE SONG ENDS AS JACK SLIDES UNDERNEATH JENNIFER'S LEGS AND SHE STRIKES A POSE.]
[JACK TRIES TO STAND UP BUT HIS HEAD GETS CAUGHT BETWEEN JENNIFER'S LEGS. HIS "DOO RAG" FALLS OFF; HE PICKS IT UP AND TIES IT AROUND HIS HEAD AND NECK LIKE A SCARF.]
JENNIFER: Thank you. And congratulations, Karen and Lyle. And just remember, the secret to a happy marriage is... Ah, who am I kidding? Thank you. Good night.
[EVERYONE APPLAUDS AS JENNIFER AND JACK COME DOWN OFF THE STAGE.]
JACK: [TO JENNIFER] Oh, my God. That was incrediblble. Thank you, Jenny from the block. And I'm not fooled by the rocks you've got.
JENNIFER: You wanna come up to my room and watch the Iron Chef? It's all about mushrooms tonight.
JACK: Okay. Can I keep the doo rag?
JENNIFER: Oh, yeah, keep it. Ethan's dead to me.
[JENNIFER AND JACK WALK OUT.]
[WILL CALLS OUT TO JENNIFER AS SHE WALKS PAST. SHE DOESN'T SEE HIM.]
WILL: Jennifer, a lotta people say that we have similar skin tone. Okay, bye-bye, we'll talk later.
[WILL NOTICES LEO IN THE LOBBY TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE.]
LEO: [INTO PHONE] Hey. Yeah, I don't know, Grace. I-I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice. Yeah, I wish we were together too. We should come here sometime. This place is amazing. Yeah, there's a La Salsa here. Yeah, baby, there's something I need to talk to you about.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE WALKS UP TO WILL.]
BEVERLEY: [TO WILL] What are you smiling about, handsome?
LEO: Well...I did that. He was afraid to call her 'cause they're going through a thing. And I just said, hey, communicate. Communication is key. It's good, right? I'm Dr. Will. [LAUGHS] Ha ha ha ha. You get it? It's like a play on Dr. Phil.
BEVERLEY: Not as interesting when it speaks.
[BEVERLEY LOOKS WILL UP AND DOWN AND WALKS AWAY.]
[MARION FINSTER TAKES THE STAGE AND CLINKS HIS CHAMPAIGN GLASS.]
MARION: [INTO MICROPHONE] Hello, everyone. I just want to say how happy I am to be here at the wedding of my only brother, Lyle. Now, I don't think Karen knows this, but we Finsters have a longstanding family tradition of inviting the brother into the wedding bed. Now, now, I'm just joking, if you think that's weird. Show of hands, how many--
[LYLE PUSHES MARION OFF THE STAGE.]
LYLE: Thank you, Marion. Yes, it was a mistake having you here. And now I would like to propose a toast to my beautiful bride.
BEVERLEY: [TO WILL] You know, if you tell my wife, I'm gonna deny this, but for me, Karen Walker will always be the one that got away.
WILL: From what?
LYLE: I would do anything for her. She has already done so much for me.
KAREN: Well... I love you, honey.
LYLE: She let me have light beer when she didn't want it. She's taking a course in salt water taffy pulling, although she didn't want to.
LYLE: She's well on the way to becoming a registered rugby referee. And she has agreed to fund my traveling puppet theater, even though she most certainly did not want to.
[KAREN LOOKS DOWN AT HER FEET.]
LYLE: She took my name when she didn't want to. She even got married in Vegas without her best friend. Even though she didn't want to. Come up here, my darling.
[KAREN WALKS UP ONTO THE STAGE.]
LYLE: How lucky I am to find a woman who's happy to mortgage her entire personal identity just for me. I love you, darling. Would you like to say something?
[KAREN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY AS SHE TAKES THE STAGE]
KAREN: [CLEARS THROAT] I want a divorce.
SCENE IX: The Wedding Reception, Caesars Palace Ballroom, Lobby
[WILL WALKS INTO THE LOBBY TO TALK TO LEO.]
WILL: Hey. So you talked to her?
LEO: Yeah. I was completely honest.
WILL: Felt good, right? See, I knew. Grace responds to honesty. She doesn't often use it, but she responds to it. So what'd she say?
LEO: She never wants to see me again.
WILL: What? Over a kiss? Oh, God, let me talk to her. Okay, maybe you didn't say it right. I know how to handle Grace. I told her I was gay, and we're still friends. You know, and she was way more into me than she's into you.
LEO: Yeah, I didn't really tell you the whole story, Will. It was--it was more than a kiss.
WILL: How much more?
LEO: We slept together. I-I didn't plan on it. I-I didn't mean to. You know, it just-- it just happened. One time. Y-You're still gonna talk to her for me, though, right?
WILL: No. Now you're on your own.
[WILL WALKS AWAY.]
[JACK RUNS INTO THE LOBBY, EXCITED.]
JACK: [TO LEO] Hey, Leo, did you hear? I'm going on tour with J.Lo!
LEO: I think I may have just lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
JACK: [TOUCHED] Oh, Leo. [EXCITED] But did you hear? I'm going on tour with J.Lo!
[JACK RUNS INTO THE BALLROOM TO FIND KAREN.]
JACK: Karen. Did you hear? I'm gonna tour with J.Lo.
KAREN: Jackie... Finney and I are getting a divorce.
JACK: [SADLY] Oh, Karen. [EXCITED] But did you hear? I'm gonna tour with J.Lo! I mean, doesn't anybody care?! I'm gonna tour with Jennifer Lopez!
BEVERLEY: I care! Does she need another--
[JACK PUSHES BEVERLEY.]