Original Airdate 4/8/2004
Written by Adam Barr
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Blythe Danner (Marilyn Truman)
Lesley Ann Warren (Tina)
Michael Angarano (Elliot)
Sara Paxton (Melanie)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[JACK IS IN THE KITCHEN COOKING. WILL IS CLEANING THE GLASS ON THE PATIO DOORS.]
WILL: Look at that. Each pane cleaner than the last.
JACK: Mmm. Yeah. A boy and his rag. There's nothin' sweeter.
WILL: Well, with Grace out of town for a couple of days, it gives me a chance to get her snout and paw prints off of every surface.
[JACK NODS "YEAH".]
WILL: Besides, Tina's coming over. She says she needs to see me.
JACK: Tina? Your father's mistress?
WILL: Well, technically, she's not his mistress anymore. I mean, now my folks have broken up, she's really just his girlfriend.
JACK: No, that's like saying if you were raised by wolves and then rescued by humans, you're now suddenly human.
WILL: But you are human.
[KAREN ENTERS WITH A DISH TOWEL. SHE'S OUT OF BREATH AND RUBS THE SWEAT FROM HER FOREHEAD.]
KAREN: [PANTING] Honey. Don't leave me alone during the breakfast rush at Jacques'. I'm workin' three stations out there, but, you've got a phone call.
JACK: Who is it?
KAREN: It's Elliot. Your son.
JACK: I'm not here.
WILL: Jack... You have to talk to him. That's the contract you made when you spent five minutes alone in the dark with a Dixie cup and a Men of General Hospital calendar.
JACK: No, no, he's gonna-- he's gonna try to get me to another one of his basketball games. It's just not my thing. Make up an excuse.
KAREN: [NODDING AND WHISPERING] All right.
[KAREN EXITS BACK INTO THE HALLWAY.]
KAREN: [INTO THE PHONE] Um, Elliot... Yeah, I've got some bad news. Jack and I were figure skating and he plunged through the ice. Haven't heard from him since. Could I take a message? Okay. You're trying out for the cheerleading squad?
[JACK RUNS INTO THE HALLWAY AND GRABS THE PHONE.]
JACK: [INTO THE PHONE] Brr, I'm back!
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
[WILL'S FATHER'S GIRLFRIEND, TINA, HAS ARRIVED. SHE AND WILL ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH.]
WILL: So, uh, Tina, what's goin' on?
TINA: Oh, it's your father. I think he's seeing someone else. And I don't know why. I mean, look at me. I'm fantastic.
WILL: What makes you think he's seeing someone?
TINA: Oh...he's just been distracted. He's always sneaking off somewhere. And lately...every time we try to make love, [CHUCKLES] he's tired. And I'm sexual. I need it. I mean, I really, really need it.
WILL: Mm. Yeah. I really need not to know that.
TINA: Will you talk to him? Find out if it's true. Please.
TINA: I have no one else to go to. I'd go to my girlfriends, but I've slept with all their husbands.
SCENE III: Jack's Apartment
[JACK IS STILL TALKING TO ELLIOT ON THE PHONE. KAREN IS STANDING BY LISTENING.]
JACK: [INTO PHONE] Oh, that's great news. Come on by after school. I'd love to help you. And P.S., Elliot, you've just made me the proudest father in the world.
[JACK HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
KAREN: Wow, cheerleading, huh? Really following in his daddy's footsteps. I remember when Stan's son first started getting fat. Stan was so proud. I only wish he'd lived to see him reach 300 pounds.
[LATER. ELLIOT HAS ARRIVED.]
KAREN: So... Elliot... queerleading tryouts, huh?
KAREN: Yeah. Well, we'll see what the kids are calling you when they're stuffing you in your locker on Monday.
JACK: Okay, Elliot. So what are your guidelines? I was thinking of making you all up in Kabuki like Madonna in her "Frozen" video.
ELLIOT: Right, well... I was thinking a simple cheer and dressed as a guy is probably a better way to go. My locker's very small.
KAREN: Why you ungrateful little piece of street trash! I oughta-- [KAREN RAISES HER HAND TO SMACK ELLIOT.]
[JACK STEPS IN.]
JACK: No-no-no! We must encourage him no matter how deep the shame runs. [TO ELLIOT] So it says here for the audition, you need to come up with your own cheer. Okay, so why don't you show me what you got, and we'll just change it all to my stuff later.
ELLIOT: Okay. [CHEERING] I've [CLAP-CLAP CLAP] got [CLAP-CLAP CLAP] school [CLAP-CLAP CLAP] spirit [CLAP-CLAP CLAP]. I've got [BEAT] school spirit [CLAP]
KAREN: Why you talentless, tone deaf sack of--
JACK: You're not helping. Sit.
ELLIOT: I know it stinks. That's why I'm here. I need your help, Jack.
JACK: Okay, we can do this. What are your ideas? What do you think this cheer should be?
I don't know. They just said to come up with something good that shows enthusiasm.
JACK: Okay, good and enthusiastic. Let's let that roll around. And it's rolling around. And it's rolling around. Good and enthusiastic. Not too on the nose. And stop. I've got it.
JACK: [CHEERING AND CLAPPING] Boy, are we enthusiastic. We are feelin' G-O-O-D. Boy, are we enthusiastic. We are feelin' G-O-O-D. Good and be enthusiastic!
[JACK DROPS TO THE FLOOR.]
JACK: You see?
ELLIOT: Yeah. That--that's pretty good.
JACK: Thank you. [STANDS UP] Now. Let's add a little bit of this. All right, ready? [CHEERING] When I say "go," you say "fight." Go.
KAREN AND ELLIOT: Fight.
KAREN AND ELLIOT: Fight.
JACK: When I say "when," you say "tonight." When.
KAREN AND ELLIOT: Tonight.
KAREN AND ELLIOT: Tonight.
ELLIOT: [JUMPS] Go-o-o team! Go team!
JACK: Okay, great! Excellent!
KAREN: [TO ELLIOT] I've never been more attracted to you than I am right now.
SCENE IV: George Truman's Apartment
[WILL WALKS UP TO THE DOOR AND KNOCKS ON IT.]
WILL: [INTO DOOR] Dad, it's Will. Can we talk for a sec? Dad, I know you're home. Look, I don't care that-- that you're with someone. You're--you're single. You can do what you want. You're--you're Ben Affleck right now. Only without all the extra breakup weight. So, look, whoever you're with in there, it's fine by me. I just want to say that as far as--
[MARILYN TRUMAN OPENS THE DOOR. SHE'S WEARING A MAN'S DRESS SHIRT.]
MARILYN: Hello, Will.
WILL: Mom! What's going on? Where's Dad?
[WILL ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
MARILYN: He's in the shower.
WILL: In the sh-- You're the other woman?! You're the one that Dad's sneaking around with? You and Dad are--are-- You know... thinging.
MARILYN: Will, we're adults. Let's talk like adults. Your father and I are making pookie-pookie.
WILL: [DISGUSTED] Oh! How did this happen? I mean, like, I know how this happens. You showed me when I was 10 with two of my G.I. Joes. I'm not saying that that led to anything, I just... How did this happen?
MARILYN: Well, a few months ago, I ran into your father, and we decided to have a drink. Oh, it was fun. He made me laugh. We caught up, and, you know, one thing led to another and before I knew it--
WILL: You don't have to finish that.
WILL: Oh! [SIGHS] Well, I guess in a way, this is good news. You know, I mean, you and Dad are back together. I'll only have to make one hand-print ashtray at Christmas-time.
MARILYN: There you go. Who's pretty when he smiles?
WILL: I am. [CHUCKLES]
SCENE V: Jack's Apartment
[KAREN AND JACK ARE WAITING TO SEE HOW ELLIOT'S TRYOUT WENT.]
KAREN: So? How'd it go?
JACK: Wait, wait, wait. Before you say anything, I'd like to present you with these pom poms. They were your grandfather's.
[JACK PULLS OUT A PAIR OF POM POMS AND DOES A LITTLE CHEER.]
JACK: Go, Elliot! Go, Elliot!
ELLIOT: I didn't get it.
KAREN: Why you miserable, worthless--
JACK: Karen! [TO ELLIOT] What happened?
ELLIOT: I stunk. All the girls laughed at me. I'm gonna graduate a virgin.
JACK: Wha--I don't understand. Did you do this?
[JACK SNAKES HIS SHOULDERS LEFT TO RIGHT AND BRUSHES OFF HIS RIGHT SHOULDER.]
JACK: What about this?
[JACK SNAKES HIS SHOULDERS RIGHT TO LEFT AND BRUSHES OFF HIS LEFT SHOULDER.]
JACK: Well, did you do this?
[JACK DOES BOTH MOVES TOGETHER.]
ELLIOT: Yeah, I did all that stuff. They just didn't like me.
KAREN: Hey, did you do this?
[KAREN BEGINS SHIMMYING HER BREASTS AT ELLIOT.]
KAREN: Oooooh... La la la la la... ooooh whee-e-e ooooh. Whoo!
KAREN: Well, you should try it. It's fun.
ELLIOT: You know, maybe I should go out for track. Might as well. Once word gets out I tried out for cheerleading, I'll be running a lot anyway.
JACK: Whoa-ho. Whoa. No. Let me tell you something, Mister. My family has had four generations of male cheerleaders. And I ain't gonna do nothin' to break that up. All right? So I'm gonna go talk to the powers that be, and make sure they know we are a serious force to be reckoned with! Karen! My pom poms!
[KAREN HANDS JACK HIS POM POMS. HE EXITS THE APARTMENT CHEERING.]
JACK: [CHEERING] Boy, are we enthusiastic....
[KAREN AND ELLIOT GET UP AND FOLLOW UP HIM OUT.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS TALKING TO GRACE ON THE PHONE.]
WILL: [ON PHONE] Grace, it's great. My mom and dad are back together, you know? And I-- I-I feel kinda bad for Tina, but then again, she is the one that kinda broke up the marriage, so I-- Are you peeing while I'm talking to you?! Yeah, I did one time, but at least I had the courtesy to-to-to do it silently around the edge of the bowl!
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.]
WILL: [ON PHONE] Look, I-- I gotta go. Just, please, just this once for me, remember to wash your hands.
[WILL HANGS UP THE PHONE AND OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S TINA.]
WILL: Oh, hi. Tina.
TINA: Hello, Will.
WILL: Come on in.
TINA: Oh. So... um... How have you been, Will?
WILL: Not bad. I, uh-- I kinda had a weird moment last night--
TINA: Will! I really don't care. I just want to know what you found out.
WILL: Oh. Um... I'm afraid I have some bad news.
TINA: Then, why are you smiling?
WILL: Oh, that--that's... just something that I do when I give bad news. Um, people tell me it comforts them.
TINA: Oh... How often do you give bad news?
WILL: Twice today, already. Yeah. A good friend of mine died. [WILL GRINS.] So, um... Listen... I went to see my-- my Dad, and, uh... yeah, yeah, he is seeing someone else. I think it's serious. I'm--I'm sorry.
TINA: Oh. [SNIFFLES] Okay. You know this is what I thought. [WHIMPERING] Oh! I'm so stupid. When am I ever gonna find a married man who's faithful to me? I don't suppose you found out who she is, did you? I mean...the other...woman.
WILL: [SCOFFS] Does it really matter?
TINA: Ah! You're right. She's probably some whore!
WILL: Or not. One thing I do know is that he's-he's not gonna leave her. So, you know, just move on. Forget about him. You know, you-- you got a killer body. You love sex. Who's not gonna snap that up?
TINA: Yeah, you're right. To hell with him! I-I deserve better than this. You know, I was voted most confident in my low self-esteem support group.
TINA: I hope he gets an STD from that whore!
WILL: Or not.
SCENE VII: Elliot's High School Gym
[THE CHEERLEADERS ARE PRACTICING AS JACK, ELLIOT, AND KAREN ENTER THE GYM. KAREN IS CARRYING A BLOODY MARY.]
CHEERLEADERS: Go, Wolverines, Go! Go, Wolverines, Go!
ELLIOT: Jack, I didn't make the squad. Let it go.
JACK: No, I won't let it go. If I learned anything from seeing Gypsy fifty times, it's to push your children to hate you and never want to speak to you again. Now, which one's the head cheerleader?
ELLIOT: The blonde. Her name is Melanie. And I kinda have a crush on her, so please don't embarrass me.
JACK: Don't worry. [SCREAMING ACROSS THE GYM] Melanie!
KAREN: Ooh, ooh!
[JACK AND KAREN WALK UP TO MELANIE.]
MELANIE: [TO JACK] Yes, can I help you?
JACK: I believe you can.
KAREN: [TO MELANIE] Yes. How old is someone like you? 25? Ever been in a limo?
[JACK PULLS KAREN ASIDE.]
JACK: [TO MELANIE] I'm Elliot's father. Okay? That boy can cheer. Okay? He comes from a long, proud line of cheerleaders. His great-grandfather came to this country with nothing but a tattered pom pom in his hand, and a dream that one day he'd see his children stacked in a perfect pyramid. And now, you're telling me you're gonna deny my son his heritage? Refuse him his birthright?
MELANIE: Well, yeah! He sucked.
ELLIOT: See, Jack, I told you.
JACK: Shush it! [TO MELANIE] We are not leaving until you give him another chance.
[JACK GRABS ELLIOT BY THE HAND AND PULLS HIM TO MELANIE.]
JACK: Come on, Elliot, we'll do it with you.
[KAREN HANDS HER BLOODY MARY TO A CHEERLEADER.]
KAREN: Hold my drink, Heather. And I know how much is in it, so no sippies.
JACK: Ready. Okay.
KAREN: [CHEERING] Hi, Cowboys. Hi, Sailors.
JACK: [CHEERING] Hi, musclemen and cops.
ELLIOT: [CHEERING] Our team is called the Wolverines and you know our boys-- [STOPS CHEERING] I can't do this! I don't want to be a cheerleader. I never wanted to be one!
[KAREN FINISHES THE CHEER.]
KAREN: School spirit!
[JACK PULLS ELLIOT TO THE BACK OF THE GYM.]
JACK: What is going on? What are you talking about?
ELLIOT: The only reason I did this is so you would pay attention to me. You don't care about anything I do. You don't care about basketball, and you don't care about skateboarding.
JACK: We-we both like Vin Diesel movies.
ELLIOT: Yes, for very different reasons. Do you know how humiliating it was for me to try out for cheerleading? But I was willing to do that to spend time with you.
JACK: I didn't know it meant that much to you, Elliot.
ELLIOT: [EMOTIONAL] Why do you think I call you every Friday night to come to my basketball games? You know what? Forget it. You can't understand.
[ELLIOT SITS DOWN, REJECTED.]
JACK: No. I do. I do understand. My dad did the same thing to me. When I was a kid, I set up a little manicure stand at the end of my street. I did a pretty good business with a couple neighbor ladies and the divorcees from the next town over. But the only customer I ever really wanted was my dad. Every day, I'd watch him come home from work, and I pray that he'd stop. But he never did. And I'd think to myself, "Why? Why? What kind of man doesn't want a roadside manicure from his own son?" I can't believe I repeated that cycle with you.
ELLIOT: Well, you did.
JACK: Well, I'm sorry, Elliot.
ELLIOT: I'd let you give me a manicure.
JACK: You would?
JACK: You're the best. Thanks, Elliot.
[JACK AND ELLIOT HUG.]
JACK: And I promise I'll start coming to your basketball games. And I'll say to everyone, "That's my son, the one whose nails match his jersey!"
ELLIOT: Yeah. You don't need to say that to everyone.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
[WILL EXITS THE BATHROOM IN HIS SHORT ROBE WHISTLING. HIS MOTHER MARILYN ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
MARILYN: Will! We have to talk.
WILL: Mom! What if I'd come out here wearing nothing?
MARILYN: You mean it's possible to wear less than you're wearing right now?
WILL: I'll have you know skirts are shorter this year.
MARILYN: What did you say to that woman?
WILL: Nothing! The-the truth. I didn't mention you, but I-I did say that Dad's been seeing someone.
MARILYN: Ah, Will, that's just perfect. You've ruined everything.
WILL: Mom...let's just sit down and talk about this.
[WILL AND MARILYN SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH.]
MARILYN: [LOOKING AT WILL'S LAP] Uh-oh.
WILL: Let's just stand up and talk about this.
[WILL AND MARILYN STAND UP. WILL STRAIGHTENS HIS ROBE.]
MARILYN: Will, thanks to you, Tina's dumped him.
WILL: Well, that's great. With Tina gone, you and dad can get back together, the way you used to be. You know, with the-the joint showers and pookie-pookie.
MARILYN: Are you out of your head? Don't you understand why he cheated on me in the first place?
WILL: Well, sure, because you stopped communicating. The-the whole basis of your marriage started to slowly erode.
MARILYN: No. It was fun. Cheating is fun! Ooh, the secret little meetings, and-and you only have an hour and then, you gotta hide the evidence. Ooh, gosh, I felt like a spy. I felt like a sexual spy... On a--on a mission to--
WILL: You don't have to finish that.
MARILYN: Seduce the enemy with my body.
WILL: And she finished it.
MARILYN: Now, but thanks to you, the meddler in the mini-robe, that's all over. Yeah, I just feel like we're married again, only now I have to pay for my own clothes.
WILL: So what do you want me to do?
MARILYN: Fix it!
WILL: No! I-I-I I'm staying out of this. You know, just-just- call one of your other sons.
MARILYN: Oh, your brothers can't help me. They're straight. They have no finesse for the-- for the details of manipulating petty dramas.
[KNOCK ON THE DOOR.]
WILL: Gee, what a sweet way of voicing your support for your gay son.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S TINA.]
TINA: Will-- Oh my God, you're nude!
WILL: Yeah, we've done all the robe jokes, move on.
TINA: I was packing my stuff at George's apartment, and I found a note. The whore is your mother.
WILL: Meet my mother.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR WIDE SO THAT TINA CAN SEE MARILYN.]
WILL: Whore, mistress. Mistress, whore.
TINA: Well, um, hi, Marilyn. We finally meet. Though I've seen pictures of you when I removed them from your ex-husband's wallet.
MARILYN: Well, I must say, you're almost exactly as I imagined you. You're like page four in the Midlife Crisis catalog.
WILL: Okay, ladies. Let's relax and sit.
WILL: Let's stand. We have a very complicated problem here. A lot of competing agendas. But as a lawyer, I'm used to working on tricky corporate mergers. So I'm sure we can find some common ground. Mom, what is it you want?
MARILYN: Well, I want Tina to keep seeing George. So he can sneak around with me behind her back.
WILL: You're quite the role model. Tina?
TINA: Well, I want Marilyn out of the picture, so I can have George all to myself. I mean, this is the first time I've ever dated a man that I didn't have to call, let it ring once, and call back.
WILL: So that was you at Thanksgiving? So what we're looking for is a solution that encompasses all these needs.
MARILYN: Uh, Will, when you gesture like that, we can see your Pennsylvania.
WILL: [SHAKES HIS HEAD] However, that solution does not exist. So let's get to what I want. Otherwise known as what's gonna happen. Tina, move on.
WILL: You're gonna be miserable at first, but you'll live. Mom, you are gonna get back with Dad. You're gonna be miserable at first, but you'll live.
WILL: Are we clear on this?
MARILYN: Um, yes.
TINA: I guess so.
WILL: Good. Now we're all behaving like ladies. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna drink half a bottle of chardonnay, and scrub myself until I feel clean again.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. TINA AND MARILYN EXIT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
MARILYN: We're not gonna listen to him, are we?
TINA: No, the three of us had a great thing going.
MARILN: So I'll take George Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
TINA: And I'll keep him on the weekends. We'll give him Tuesdays and Thursdays to rest.
MARILN: Ohh, this is great! And it's even more exciting now that we're lying to Will.
[MARILYN AND TINA LAUGH.]
SCENE IX: Jack's Apartment
[JACK, KAREN, AND ELLIOT ARE LOOKING THROUGH A PHOTO ALBUM.]
JACK: Ooh, and here's another. This is your great-grandpappy, Liam McFarland, leading a cheer squad.
ELLIOT: That's quite a split.
JACK: And that was before stretch pants.
ELLIOT: Yeah, I can see that.
KAREN: Oh, talk about courageous. When the Yanks landed in Okinawa, he was right there alongside them, yelling, "Fight, fight." And after the war, that brave man cheered with one arm.
JACK: How does that make you feel, boy?
[JACK PATS ELLIOT ON THE BACK.]
ELLIOT: If I say proud, can I go home?