Original Airdate 4/1/2004
Written by Ain Gordon
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Bobby Cannavale (Vince)
Amy Farrington (Phyllis)
Adrienne Alitowski (Woman)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, STRAIGHTENING HIS TIE AND FIXING HIS HAIR. JACK IS STANDING BEHIND HIM WATCHING HIM.]
JACK: You look handsome.
WILL: Thank you.
JACK: April fool's. A-heh-heh-heh...
WILL: You got me. You are so clever.
JACK: Ha ha! Thank you.
WILL: April fool's.
JACK: You know, I love this holiday. You don't have to buy presents or nothin'.
WILL: Actually, I bought you a present.
JACK: I bought you one too.
WILL: [TSK] Aw!
JACK AND WILL: [IN UNISON] April fool's!
JACK: April fool's! So, why are you so happy and light today? Your anger lines are positively beaming.
WILL: I went out with Vince last night. We went to see the revival "Fiddler on the Roof." And we shared a box of Fiddle Faddle. And so I said, "Hey, it's too bad we're not eating this on the roof, 'cause then it would be "Fiddle Faddle on the Roof." [LAUGHS]
JACK: Please keep that to yourself. The religious right already hates us enough. So, what does Grace think?
WILL: Oh, they haven't met yet.
JACK: They haven't met? How do you know if you like him?
WILL: Are you implying that I would need Grace's approval to know whether or not I like somebody? Do you really think that our friendship is that sick and co-dependent that even as I'm saying this, I'm realizing it's true.
JACK: You should do it. You should get them together, see what she thinks. Pay now... or pay later.
WILL: You're right. They should meet. Remember that one guy, Ted? We went out for a few months. We even talked about moving in together. All she had to say was "Mock turtleneck," and it was over.
KAREN: [TO WILL] Hey, Wilma. [TO JACK] Okay, Jackie, I'm ready for my dance lesson. Whoo. I haven't been out on the dance floor since Studio 54. 'Course I'll be a lot more relaxed this time knowing Liza's not in the coat room poking through my stash.
JACK: That's good. [TO WILL] Karen needs to learn the Fox Trot so she doesn't embarrass herself at her wedding.
WILL: Oh, there'll be plenty of time for that when she passes out in the wedding cake.
KAREN: [LAUGHS] [TO WILL] Say, Wilma, I saw you and your new boyfriend last night at the theater. Yeah, between the Jews on stage and the homos in the audience, it was like payin' 100 bucks to hang out here.
[KAREN SITS DOWN NEXT TO WILL.]
KAREN: So... Has Grace met your new fella yet?
WILL: Not yet.
KAREN: [CONCERNED] Then... how do you know if you like him?
SCENE II: Jack's Apartment
[JACK HAS A STICK AND IS GETTING READY TO TEACH KAREN. THE FURNITURE HAS BEEN PUSHED BACK AND THE RUG IS ON THE COUCH TO MAKE ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR.]
JACK: Welcome to... the dance!
[JACK POSES WITH THE STICK.]
JACK: Fact. Before language, people communicated through intricate choreography, costume changes, and lighting. Language was only invented when unattractive people were born and needed to be commented on. Any thoughts, questions--
KAREN: Can we skip ahead a few thousand years? I have to learn to Fox Trot! Lyle is an expert, and I have to keep up with him. The man was in the British military for five years. You don't get better dance training than that.
JACK: Don't I know it. My grandfather was one of the first ballerinas to land on the beach at Normandy. Fact: D-Day stands for Dance Day!
[JACK POSES WITH THE STICK AND THEN SETS IT DOWN ON A CHAIR.]
JACK: Now... Let's start with a simple box step. It is called that because we lead with our box.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Well, if I can fake happiness with I can certainly dance with it.
[JACK AND KAREN GET INTO POSITION AND JACK LEADS HER IN THE BOX STEP.]
JACK: And one, and two, and -- to the side -- three -- good -- and four.
JACK: Once again. And one -- very good -- and two, and three, and, um...
KAREN: Four. [SIGHS]
JACK: Yes, four. Right, and spin. Very good.
JACK: Yeah, very good. One...
KAREN: [GASPS] Jack... This is so much fun. I can't wait to try this with a man.
JACK: But I am a man.
KAREN: [BABY TALK] Yes, you are.
JACK: Okay, well that was very good. You got the basics down. Let's move on. Let's try a little somethin' new. Check this out. Ready for this?
JACK: [KICKS HIS LEGS UP] And kick it, and kick it. Try it on.
KAREN: [FOLLOWING JACK'S MOVE] And kick it, and kick it.
JACK: Very good, very nice. Now, let's get a little dirty.
[JACK BEGINS GYRATING HIS HIPS.]
JACK: Let's move in, we're getting dirty.
[KAREN FOLLOWS JACK'S MOVES AND THE TWO MOVE IN CLOSER TO EACH OTHER.]
JACK: Nice. Dirty. Very good. Very good.
[JACK AND KAREN GRIND THEIR HIPS, "DIRTY DANCING" STYLE.]
JACK: And Swayze, and Swayze, nice.
KAREN: Ooh, yeah. Oh.
JACK: And Havana...
[JACK BURIES HIS FACE IN KAREN'S BOSOM AND SHAKES HIS HEAD AROUND.]
JACK: Nice. Now kiss me!
[JACK AND KAREN LEAN IN AND WAG THEIR TONGUES AT EACH OTHER.]
KAREN: La la la la!
[KAREN PUSHES JACK AWAY.]
KAREN: Hey! Wait a minute! I'm supposed to be learning the Fox Trot.
JACK: Sorry. And one--
[KAREN AND JACK BEGIN DOING THE BOX STEP.]
KAREN: Ah, Jackie... I'm gonna miss these times with you.
[THEY CONTINUE THE BOX STEP WHILE TALKING...]
JACK: What do you mean you're gonna miss them? I'm not goin' anywhere.
KAREN: Yeah, but I am. Once Finny and I are married, we're not gonna be able to play like this.
JACK: Of course we are. Stan and you were married, and we still saw each other every day and night. Except for that one night a month that you take Rosario out to get drunk and pee off the pier.
KAREN: [SIGHS] I know, Jackie. But this is different. Stan was fat. Finster is thin. We're gonna be able to do a lot more things together. You know, like sit on the same bench at the same time. And see around each other.
JACK: [SAD] Oh...
KAREN: So. Our friendship, as we know it, is over. But you knew that, right?
JACK: Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH SOME PAPERWORK. WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN WITH THE OVEN OPEN.]
WILL: Ugh. Why did I make something I've never made before? I can't tell if this ginger chicken is done right.
GRACE: [SNIFFING] Needs another half-teaspoon of saffron. Oh, and the three pieces on the right need to be flipped.
WILL: God, your nose is uncanny. I can only imagine how powerful it was before you had it fixed.
GRACE: I did not have a nose job. Would I pick this?
WILL: Well, you did all the way through breakfast. I want you to give Vince a chance. I really like him.
GRACE: How do you know? I haven't met him yet.
WILL: Just don't be judgmental, okay? Don't single out some aspect of him and then make a thing of it.
GRACE: Oh, my God, does he have white stuff in the corners of his mouth?
GRACE: Gay face?
GRACE: Mock turtle.
WILL: Just be open-minded.
GRACE: I'm always open-minded. As long as he doesn't have a big mole on his cheek.
WILL: [ANNOYED] Like I do?
[THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
GRACE: [POINTING TO THE DOOR] You should answer the door.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR FOR VINCE. HE HAS A BROWN SHOPPING BAG.]
WILL: Vince. And look, you brought presents. Grace, he brought presents.
VINCE: You told me to.
WILL: And he's a good listener.
[WILL MAKES THE INTRODUCTIONS AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND VINCE.]
WILL: Vince, Grace. Grace, Vince.
VINCE: Nice to meet you.
[VINCE SHAKES GRACE'S HAND.]
VINCE: I, uh, I brought you a DVD player. We busted some guys sellin' 'em out of their car.
GRACE: Thanks. I hear you guys get the best pot too.
VINCE: You do drugs?
WILL: Hey, we're all gettin' along. Vince, did you bring the, uh, the article?
VINCE: Uh, no. What? It's silly.
WILL: It's not silly! You're a celebrity.
GRACE: What article?
VINCE: I'm not a celebrity, Will. I'm just havin' my 15 minutes.
GRACE: What'd you do?
WILL: Can I tell her?
VINCE: If you have to.
WILL: Vince got everybody on the force to start using moisturizer on their hands.
VINCE: I make lotions.
WILL: And now they're known as the precinct with the softest hands in town, yeah. Well, one perp even said it was like being-- being frisked by a kitten.
VINCE: The secret is Shea butter. You can't use too much or else the gun goes slidin' outta your hands. Learned that one the hard way.
[WILL AND VINCE LAUGH.]
GRACE: Oh, my God, you haven't even been offered a drink. How rude. I'm so sorry. [TO WILL] Will, two wine's.
VINCE: [TO GRACE] So, uh, I hear you and your husband live in Brooklyn. I live on Henry Street.
GRACE: I only know my street.
WILL: Here we go.
[WILL BRINGS TWO WINE GLASSES TO VINCE AND GRACE, ALONG WITH A TRAY OF DIP.]
VINCE: Oh. Is that the famous olive tapenade?
WILL: Oh, please, it's not famous. It can--it can still go to the mall and no one even tries to stop it. [LAUGHS] You said you wanted to try it.
VINCE: That's so sweet of you to remember.
WILL: Well, it was nice of you to bring us stolen electronics. [WILL FEEDS VINCE A CRACKER WITH DIP] Huh?
VINCE: [CHEWING] Mmm! What's in this?
WILL: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
VINCE: I know that's a joke, but could you not say that, since I got shot at like two hours ago.
WILL: [LAUGHS] I know! I had a day too. [TO GRACE] Grace, you want some?
[GRACE BEGINS ACTING NERVOUS AND WIERD.]
GRACE: Uh, actually, you know, I-- I don't think I can stay for dinner.
GRACE: Uh, yeah. I just--I just remembered that I have a meeting in the morning, and I forgot-- my sample books in-- in Brooklyn. Um, so-- I'll see you tomorrow. It was so nice meeting you.
VINCE: Nice to meet you.
[GRACE SHAKES VINCE'S HAND]
GRACE: Oh, wow, really, really soft. Yeah.
[GRACE EXITS THE APARTMENT IN A HURRY.]
[CUT TO THE HALLWAY. GRACE PUSHES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
[WILL WALKS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
WILL: Wait, wait, wait. What just happened? Why are you leaving? What--do you not like him?
GRACE: No, he's nice. You two are wonderful together. I just gotta--
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN.]
GRACE: I-I-I gotta go.
[GRACE GETS IN THE ELEVATOR.]
[VINCE EXITS THE APARTMENT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
VINCE: Will, I gotta take back Grace's DVD player. It's actually four kilos of cocaine.
SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment
[JACK AND KAREN ARE DANCING TO MUSIC.]
KAREN: Oh, Jackie, look at me, I'm Fox Trotting!
JACK: [ANNOYED] Hardly.
KAREN: What am I doing wrong?
JACK: Look. Some people were born to dance. You were born to drink. If you could cut a rug like you lift a mug, I'd have something to work with.
[JACK TURNS OFF THE MUSIC AND SITS DOWN AND CROSSES HIS ARMS.]
KAREN: Honey, why are you being like this?
JACK: Because, just like our friendship, this dance lesson, as we know it, is over.
[JACK SPINS THE CHAIR AROUND SO THAT THE BACK IS TO KAREN.]
Oh, Jackie. That's what you're upset about?
[JACK TURNS THE CHAIR AROUND AND STANDS UP.]
JACK: [SADLY] I understand you love Finny, but why do things have to change between us?
KAREN: Because they have to. Every healthy relationship between a gay man and a straight woman has a sell-by date. Do you really want to end up like Will and Grace?
[JACK THINKS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
[WILL AND VINCE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER. VINCE IS TALKING, BUT WILL IS NOT REALLY PAYING ATTENTION AND IS PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD.]
VINCE: So then I read the book by the redhead. You know, the one from "Taxi." She's all about food combining. But she lets you cheat on weekends. She's like, if you want it, have it.
[WILL IS STARING OFF INTO SPACE.]
VINCE: Will, what's goin' on? It's an interesting story.
WILL: I'm sorry, it's just-- There is no way that Grace would walk out on a free meal just to prepare for some business meeting. This is a girl who missed her SAT's to wait for the warm donuts at Winchell's.
VINCE: What's the problem? I mean, I thought it went great. I-I liked her. She liked me.
VINCE: What--did she say somethin'? What did she say?
WILL: She said you were "nice."
VINCE: "Nice." Nice is a bunny. What else?
WILL: That's it.
VINCE: That's it? Nothin' about my hair?
WILL: Not a word! What could she possibly have hated about you? You didn't use the word "panties," did you? 'Cause she hates that word.
VINCE: Will, I just met the girl. Why would I use the word "panties"?
WILL: Oh... There's gotta be something. And it's so weird because I really thought I liked you.
VINCE: Will, are you really the kinda guy who lets his best friend tell him who he can and can't date because of something as insignificant as hair or panties?
WILL: Yeah, I kinda am.
SCENE VI: The Hallway Between Jack and Will's Apartments, Café Jacques
[KAREN EXITS THE ELEVATOR.]
KAREN: [SINGING] 38 bottles of beer on the wall, 38 bottles of--
[KAREN NOTICES THAT THERE ARE TWO WOMEN SITTING AT CAFE JACQUES'.]
KAREN: What's this?
CONTESTANT #1: If you're here for the audition, you have to sign in.
CONTESTANT #2: And have a naked body shot of your brother.
KAREN: Audition? [CHUCKLES] You must be poor.
[KAREN KNOCKS ON JACK'S DOOR. JACK OPENS THE DOOR.]
JACK: Oh. Hey, Kare, what's up?
KAREN: Well, Finny is insisting that we do the chicken dance now in addition to the Fox Trot. Can you teach me?
JACK: Ah, yes, the chicken dance. Perhaps the most subtle of all dances. Give me a minute, I'm just finishing up with Phyllis.
KAREN: Who's Phyllis?
JACK: I'm holding auditions for your replacement.
KAREN: Oh, honey, that's great. I'm proud of you. You're movin' on.
JACK: Yes. America has narrowed it down to three finalists. Meanwhile, my insults to the contestants have earned me quite a following.
[KAREN FOLLOWS JACK INTO THE APARTMENT. JACK SITS ON THE COUCH WITH PHYLLIS. PHYLLIS IS DRESSED IN BLACK, VERY SIMILAR TO KAREN'S STYLE.]
JACK: [AHEM] Phyllis. Oh, by the way, if you do get the job, we're gonna have to change that name. [THINKING] Maybe Angie Dickenson. [REALIZES A BETTER NAME:] Or Dickie Angenson.
PHYLLIS: I'll do whatever you want me to do, Jack. I just-- I really want this job.
JACK: [NODS] Mm-hm.
PHYLLIS: Oh, and by the way, how much does this pay?
JACK: I'm expecting to clear about $150,000 a year. Plus airfare. I noticed on your résumé that you've attended the Yale School of Drama.
JACK: Very, very impressive. Yes, very good.
[JACK SUDDENLY STANDS UP AND TURNS AROUND AND PUSHES OUT HIS BUTT.]
JACK: Spank it.
JACK: Spank it.
PHYLLIS: Oh, um, I have a boyfriend.
JACK: Who doesn't? Spank it.
[PHYLLIS TAPS JACK'S BUTT.]
[PHYLLIS SMACKS JACK'S BUTT A LITTLE BIT HARDER.]
JACK: Ugh. Harder! It's an ass, not a testicle!
[PHYLLIS STANDS UP AND GIVES JACK'S BUTT A GOOD SWAT.]
[JACK TURNS AROUND AND SHE TWEAKS HIS NIPPLES.]
JACK: Oh, my! Very good. Good. You made it your own. That's what we were lookin' for. Great.
PHYLLIS: Do you mean I get the job?
JACK: Exactly! You start immediately.
[JACK AND PHYLLIS GRAB HANDS AND JUMP UP AND DOWN.]
[JACK PUTS HIS HEAD BETWEEN PHYLLIS' BREASTS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. KAREN TAKES A STEP BACK, AND STEADIES HERSELF AGAINST THE WALL.]
KAREN: Hey, uh, whoo-hoo. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Don't you need to take a shower together to find out if you're compatible? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
PHYLLIS: No, that was the first audition. This is the call back.
[KAREN GASPS, TAKEN ABACK BY HER "CLONE".]
JACK: Okay. So, tonight, we'll go to our first gay bar and make fun of people whose stomachs are further out than their pecs.
[JACK AND PHYLLIS LAUGH.]
KAREN: But... Jackie? What about my chicken dance?
JACK: Sorry, we're a little busy, Kare.
PHYLLIS: Yeah, get lost, doll. You've been recast.
JACK: [TO PHYLLIS] So, anyways...
KAREN: Yeah...of course, yeah, sure.
[KAREN OPENS THE DOOR TO LEAVE, BUT STOPS AND TURNS AROUND.]
KAREN: But, uh, before I go, Phyllis, could I ask you a question?
PHYLLIS: Oh, yeah, sure. What is it?
KAREN: Okay, come a little closer. It's kind of a secret. Heh heh...
[PHYLLIS GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO KAREN.]
KAREN: Get the hell outta here!
[KAREN PUSHES PHYLLIS OUT THE DOOR AND KICKS IT SHUT.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] I don't want you seeing her anymore!
JACK: What?! Why?!
KAREN: I can't stand the thought of you with another woman! I know I said things have to change. I know I said to move on, but, honey, just the thought of another woman spanking your fruity booty in a platonic fashion sickens me. It sickens me! That heinie's miney! Now... I'll make sure to always keep you in my life if you'll make sure to always keep me in yours. Please?
[JACK WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. PHYLLIS IS STANDING THERE, CONFUSED.]
JACK: Dickie Angenson? I think you're very talented, and someday you'll make a gay gentleman a great date at the Oscars. But, uh, well... [SIGHS]
PHYLLIS: What are you saying?
JACK: [LIKE DONALD TRUMP] You're fired.
[JACK CLOSES THE DOOR IN PHYLLIS' FACE AND HE AND KAREN JUMP AND CLAP.]
SCENE VII: Grace and Leo's Apartment
[GRACE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH LOOKING THROUGH A PHOTO ALBUM WHEN WILL BARGES IN.]
WILL: Okay, look. You obviously don't like Vince. I understand. I mean, sure his ears are a little too small for his head. And sure, he smells a little vanilla-y. And--and--and, sure, from a certain angle, he looks like a hot Jerry Seinfeld. But I kinda hoped that you'd be willing to look past all that 'cause I like him. In fact, I dig him mucho!
GRACE: Will, I didn't notice any of those things.
WILL: Really? How could you not? I mean, look at the man.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR AND VINCE ENTERS.]
VINCE: Hi, it's me. Tiny-eared, vanilla Seinfeld.
WILL: Wh-- You heard all that?
VINCE: Yeah, the ears may be tiny, but they still work. You really dig me mucho?
GRACE: Will, Vince is not why I left. If I don't like one of your guys, I don't just walk out. That's rude. I drag you into the bathroom and tell you what's wrong with 'em.
WILL: Then, why did you leave?
GRACE: Ugh. I don't know, I just-- I was watching you two, and you guys looked so cute and happy and gay together. And, you know, Leo and I used to be like that. And he's coming home in a month and I don't... [SIGHS] I'm afraid that we're never gonna be like that again. It's just a little scary.
WILL: So, this had nothing to do with Vince?
GRACE: No. I like him. Love his hair.
VINCE: I knew it.
WILL: Oh, sweetie. I had no idea. I feel so stupid. I mean, we've been friends for 20 years. I should have known you were thinking about yourself.
GRACE: Yeah, you should've.
WILL: I know. But listen, you and Leo are gonna be fine. You love each other. And, yeah, it may take a little while to get back in sync, but you'll do it.
VINCE: Or you won't and you'll split up.
WILL: [GLARES AT VINCE] Or they will, and they'll be happy together. [HE SMILES AT GRACE.]
VINCE: Or they won't.
WILL: Look, Vince. Grace is fragile, okay. She needs encouragement and, and, and lies.
GRACE: No, Will, he's right. It may not work out. And, finally, someone has the guts to say it to me out loud.
VINCE: You know, truth is, if your marriage was so great, he wouldn't have left in the first place.
GRACE: Okay, too far, Vince. Will, I'm ready more lies.
WILL: Everything will be fine. Leo will come back. He'll sweep you off your feet. There'll be a constitutional amendment banning the mock turtleneck. And everybody will live happily ever after.
GRACE: Oh...God, I hope so. Okay. You two should get back to your date. I will be fine.
WILL: All right.
VINCE: Hey, Will, why don't we stay here? Your friend's kinda down, and my house is right around here anyway.
WILL: You are so sweet to care about my friend.
VINCE: Really, it's just two blocks away.
GRACE: Well, then I guess you're stayin'. Come... sit down.
[GRACE HOLDS OUT HER HANDS. WILL AND VINCE SIT DOWN NEXT TO HER, ON DIFFERENT SIDES OF HER.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Sweetie, could-- could you and I switch so we could sit together?
GRACE: I'm kind of already here.