Original Airdate 3/4/2004
Written by Alex Herschlag
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
John Cleese (Lyle Finster)
Minnie Driver (Lorraine Finster)
Dave Foley (Stuart Lamarack)
Eileen Brennan (Zandra)
SCENE I: Stuart and Jack's New Apartment
[JACK AND STUART ARE STANDING AT THE WINDOW, LOOKING OUT AT THE CITY, HOLDING EACH OTHER.]
STUART: Would you look at that great big, beautiful city.
JACK: You know, they say there's a crime committed here every six seconds.
STUART: Should we wait?
JACK: [SHRUGS] Okay.
[JACK AND STUART STARE OUT THE WINDOW.]
JACK: Oh, my God. There it is.
STUART: Wow, three seconds. Way ahead.
[WILL KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND PEEKS IN.]
JACK: Oh, hey, Will! I love when you add "O"s onto your hellos. It's, like, my favorite thing you do.
STUART: Yeah, its true. We talk about it all the time.
WILL: Really? Oh, that's good. I-I-I was toying with getting rid of it, but now I know it has a following.... I just came by to drop off this paperwork. You are now officially in escrow.
[WILL GIVES STUART THE PAPERWORK.]
STUART: Oh, isn't that great? Do you remember when gay people weren't allowed to be in escrow?
WILL: And, to celebrate, little pre-housewarming gift, the Whirlybird popcorn maker.
[WILL GIVES JACK THE BAG.]
JACK: Oh, you shouldn't have.
WILL: I didn't, I had two of them. I just thought it'd be a good gift for all those nights you guys'll be hanging out here at home, renting movies, eating popcorn.
STUART: Oooh, I know. I can hardly wait. Soon as I've washed my hands 17 times, I'm gonna take it out of the box.
WILL: Hmm. I envy you two. Not having to go to the clubs. Not having that moment at the end of the night where you look around during last call, and everybody's paired up except for you and one trollish-looking guy. You figure, what the heck, and you go over to him, and he says no. [PAUSES] That--that happened to a friend of mine.
JACK: Yeah. Happened to a friend of mine too...
WILL: Well, anyway, I gotta get going.
STUART: Why-why don't you, uh, sit with us for a bit? Hang out. It'll be fun.
WILL: Oh, okay.
[WILL SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR, WHILE STUART AND JACK SIT ON THE SOFA.]
WILL: Well, that was fun. See ya!
[WILL HOPS UP AND WALKS TO THE DOOR. STUART LETS WILL OUT.]
STUART: [TO WILL] Hey, thanks a lot.
[STUART SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND WILL. HE TURNS AND LOOKS AT JACK AND GRINS.]
JACK: What? Why are you smiling? Did he fart?
STUART: I was just thinking about what Will said. You know, he's right.
[STUART SITS ON THE SOFA WITH JACK.]
JACK: Well, of course he's right. What self-respecting troll would go home with Will at the end of the night?
STUART: No, no, not about that. About us. About how lucky we are. I mean, we are set.
[STUART PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JACK.]
STUART: There's nothing left for us to do except sit back and grow old together.
JACK: Oh-- [CHUCKLES] I don't know about you, but this girl ain't growin' old. No, that's why I take care of myself. I eat right, I exercise, and I take a multivitamin to avoid iron-poor blood like Evonne Goolagong.
STUART: You don't have to worry about that anymore. You got the guy, give up the gym.
JACK: Yeah, but I've been doing cardio ever since I was nine.
STUART: Mm, now you don't have to anymore. You can finally stop running.
SCENE II: Karen Walker's Penthouse
[SOUNDS ARE COMING FROM THE DARK KITCHEN. LYLE IS CREEPING DOWN THE STAIRS WITH A WOODEN PADDLE, WITH KAREN CLOSELY FOLLOWING HIM.]
KAREN: Darling, are we being robbed? Can you see who it is?
LYLE: No, it's too dark. You stay there, Karen. I'm pretty good with this thing.
KAREN: You don't have to tell me about that.
[LYLE CREEPS DOWN THE STAIRS AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT.]
[LORRAINE IS ROOTING AROUND THE REFRIGERATOR FOR A BOTTLE OF BEER.]
KAREN: Oh, shoot. I thought it was someone trying to kill us.
LORRAINE: What are you doing? You scared me half to death.
LYLE: Well, what are you doing? I mean, it's the middle of the night.
LORRAINE: I know that. I'm drunk, not stupid. Now, keep it down. I've had a very rough night. I had to walk 140 blocks back from the Yankee Stadium after I lost your limo.
KAREN: You lost my limo?
LORRAINE: Oh, relax. I didn't misplace it. I lost it in a bet. I mean, who knew Hideki Matsui could hit a baseball further than me?
KAREN: [TO LYLE] Finny, are you hearing this? It's one thing that she doesn't clean her room, but now she's lost our limo to the Asian Willie Mays.
LYLE: Lorraine, this time you have gone too far.
KAREN: Ha ha! Daddy gonna crack the whip.
LYLE: It's all right. Thank you, Dear. I'll handle this, thank you. [TO LORRAINE] Now, look, you are disrespectful. And you are irresponsible. And you need to learn that your actions have consequences. Okay? So-- You are going to pay for Karen's limo out of your own money. Or try winning it back using this house as collateral.
LORRAINE: Like hell I will.
LYLE: You'll do as I say, and you'll like it, young lady! [TO KAREN] I rather like this, Karen.
LORRAINE: No, no, no, no, no. It's too late for you to be a father. You don't care about me, and you never did. I'm gonna go and get a place of my own. You're never gonna see me again! I thought you were cool!
[LORRAINE STOMPS OUT.]
KAREN: Boy, you really showed her. Felt good, huh?
LYLE: Oh, I--I've made a horrible mistake.
LYLE: Well, I was finally building a relationship with her, doing all the things that I never got the chance to do before. Like the other day when she fell down and skinned her knee, I was there to kiss her boo-boo. Of course, I may now have hepatitis, but it--it brought us closer. Now she's gone, and I've ruined my liver for nothing.
KAREN: Are you implying that it's my fault that she left?
LYLE: Of course it's your fault! You can't stand me getting closer to her. You're always driving a wedge between her and me. And that's been your plan all along!
KAREN: No, Darling. I've been like a mother to that girl. I've locked her in her room, I've told her she was fat, and once I even left her in a store.
LYLE: Well, let me tell you something. Last time I chose you. This time, I'm choosing my daughter.
KAREN: But Finny, no...
LYLE: Good-bye, Karen.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
GRACE: Hi. Oh, thank God you're home. You will not believe what just happened.
WILL: You washed a dish?
GRACE: [LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY] Uh-hu-hu-huh. I got a call on Zandra's place. Someone offered the most insane amount of money.
WILL: How insane?
GRACE: If the money were a person, it'd be Courtney Love.
WILL: Did--did you tell them that the place was already sold?
GRACE: No, I said that I would talk to you about it.
WILL: Grace, we can't. We're in escrow.
GRACE: Oh, escrow. What is escrow?
WILL: You know what it is. They've already put up the money.
GRACE: That's what escrow is? I thought it was something else. What's "force majeure"?
WILL: Grace, the place is sold, okay? Stuart bought it. Besides, we're the flippers who care, remember? That's our motto. Read your coffee cup.
[THE COFFEE CUP IS WHITE WITH RED LETTERS: "THE FLIPPERS WHO CARE."]
WILL: Why do you think I had these made? You know, if we start screwing our friends over, we can never drink from these mugs again.
[WILL POURS SOME COFFEE INTO HIS MUG.]
GRACE: You're right. You're right, I--I think I just got caught up in all that money.
WILL: Just out of curiosity, how insane was that offer?
[GRACE SHOWS WILL THE PIECE OF PAPER.]
WILL: Oh, my God! That's Courtney Love and Margot Kidder! On a hike with Anne Heche! No, no, no, it's-- Yes, it's a lot of money, but we-- You cannot put a price on integrity, right?
JACK: I don't think Stuart and I should live together.
WILL: [IMMEDIATELY] I never thought you should! And you know, it's not too late to get out of escrow.
JACK: Do you want to know why?
WILL: Not really. I mean, I-I'm sure you've thought about it. You're a smart guy. Listen, is Stuart still in the apartment? 'Cause we could undo this thing right now.
GRACE: Uh, Will? I think we should hear him out.
WILL: No. Grace, he's made up his mind. He doesn't want to take the apartment. We're not gonna-- not gonna force majeure 'im.
JACK: Hey, I don't know what happened. I was there with Stuart in that apartment, and he was talking. And all of a sudden, we were old. There were cats, and housecoats, and CBS. And keeping tissues up our sleeves. I don't think I'm ready to be an old married lady. Does somebody have a shawl? It's really chilly in here. [JACK PULLS A TISSUE FROM HIS SLEEVE AND WIPES HIS NOSE.]
GRACE: Jack, everyone gets nervous when they move in with someone. It's totally normal. Like me. When I moved in with Leo, I was really nervous. And you know what?
[WILL MOVES THE PAPER IN FRONT OF GRACE.]
GRACE: Never shoulda done it.
JACK: [SIGHS] You're right. We're moving too quickly. I'm gonna go talk to Stuart. I hope this doesn't affect our friendship if we back out of the deal.
WILL: Oh, how would you even ask?
GRACE: Oh, no.
JACK: Okay, thanks, you guys, bye.
WILL: Whoo hoo! Let's get him on the phone.
GRACE: [SINGING] Money-money-money-money...
WILL AND GRACE: [SINGING] Money!
[WILL AND GRACE TOAST WITH THEIR "THE FLIPPERS WHO CARE" MUGS... BUT THEY PAUSE BEFORE THEY DRINK, AND READ THE WORDS, THEN SET THE MUGS DOWN.]
WILL: I guess on the beach towels, we should change it to "Flippers Who Don't Give A Crap."
SCENE IV: A Street
[KAREN AND ROSARIO ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREETS, DRINKING SMOOTHIES.]
KAREN: Oh, Rosie, I miss Lyle so much.
ROSARIO: Or do you just miss the idea of Lyle?
KAREN: No, I miss Lyle. But hey, good insight, lady.
ROSARIO: Well, in El Salvador, I was three credits short a Masters in Psychology.
KAREN: Well, I'm glad you came here to mop up my sick off the floor instead.
[A LIMOUSINE PULLS UP. THE WINDOW ROLLS DOWN.]
LORRAINE: Hey, Karen, get in.
KAREN: Why should I?
LORRAINE: I got your limo. I won it back from Hideki Matsui in a secret underground Iron Chef contest. Come on, get in.
KAREN: Well, all right. But only because I've been walking for blocks, and my feet are killing me.
ROSARIO: Oy, me too.
KAREN: Not you, Rosie.
[KAREN SHUTS THE DOOR AND THE LIMO PULLS AWAY, LEAVING ROSARIO STANDING ON THE CURB.]
[INSIDE THE LIMO... KAREN AND LORRAINE ARE SITTING IN THE BACK.]
KAREN: So, what are you doing here, Lorraine? You've taken your father away from me, and now you've come to rub it in my face?
LORRAINE: I haven't come to run anything in anyone's face. I already tipped the driver. No, I just came to apologize. I was awful.
KAREN: Hey, hey. Wait a minute. When we are in my limo, we listen to Soft Hits 106.
[KAREN CHANGES THE RADIO STATION.]
LORRAINE: Well... I guess I was just scared. You know, I just found my dad. And--and it felt like you were taking him away from me.
KAREN: Hm, well, you won. He's all yours.
LORRAINE: What do you mean? All he talks about is you.
KAREN: He does?
LORRAINE: Well, where do you think I'm taking you, you gin-soaked old crone?
KAREN: [GASPS] Lorraine, why are you being so nice to me?
LORRAINE: Oh, because I hate this. You're sad, he's sad. Nobody's any bloody fun anymore.
KAREN: [CHUCKLES] Well, to tell the truth, it hasn't been as much fun around the manse either, without you there. Oh, if only I could put into words how I feel.
["A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME" BY DIONNE WARWICK BEGINS PLAYING ON THE RADIO.]
KAREN: Oh, I love this song.
KAREN: [SINGING ALONG] A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sitting there...
LORRAINE: [SINGING ALONG] But a chair is not a house, and a house is not a home...
KAREN AND LORRAINE: [BOTH SINGING ALONG] When there's no one there to hold you tight, and no one there you can kiss good night.
[THE MUSIC CONTINUES...]
KAREN: Hm, I'm glad we didn't invite Rosie.
SCENE V: Stuart and Jack's Apartment
[WILL AND GRACE ARE IN THE HALLWAY, WALKING TO STUART AND JACK'S APARTMENT.]
GRACE: I knew as soon as you said that to Jack, you were doing the wrong thing. I was just helpless to stop you.
WILL: You jumped onboard. You made the final sale.
GRACE: You hypnotized me with your Svengali-like powers.
WILL: And yet I can't get you to stop biting your toenails.
GRACE: How else do you get them shorter?
[INSIDE THE APARTMENT...]
[JACK AND STUART ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA, TALKING.]
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR.]
[GRACE SMACKS WILL ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.]
WILL: I'm glad you guys are both here.
GRACE: Yeah, we have something that we need to tell you.
WILL: We did an awful thing.
GRACE: We really did. [GRACE POINTS TO WILL AND NODS HER HEAD IN HIS DIRECTION.]
WILL: The reason we said you shouldn't live together is that we got another offer on this place for a lot more money.
GRACE: And it was just really wrong of us. [GRACE POINTS TO WILL AND NODS HER HEAD IN HIS DIRECTION.]
WILL: The truth is, you guys are a great couple. And nothing would make us happier than to see you two set up house together.
GRACE: It really would. [GRACE POINTS TO WILL AND NODS HER HEAD IN HIS DIRECTION.]
WILL: Why did you point on that one?
JACK: Well. It seems the shoe is on the other foot now, doesn't it?
WILL: I don't know what you mean exactly.
JACK: I think I might have put my Uggs on backwards.
[JACK HOLDS HIS FEET UP. HIS SHOES ARE ON BACKWARDS.]
JACK: The difference between the toes is really subtle.
JACK: Yeah. That's not it.
[JACK CROSSES HIS LEGS.]
JACK: That's right.
STUART: I think-- I think what Jack's saying is that we were starting to feel little uncomfortable about moving in together so quickly. It seemed kind of lesbian of us to fall in love and shack up right away.
JACK: Yeah, so, if you don't mind, I don't think we're gonna take the place.
STUART: I guess--I guess you can take that other offer now.
GRACE: Oh, that's the-- that's the furthest thing from our mind right now.
WILL: Our biggest concern is your happiness.
GRACE: So, see ya.
[WILL AND GRACE RUN OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
GRACE: Hurry up, call them. Hurry up, hurry up.
WILL: Are you kindding? I was dialing in my pocket as he was talking.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hi, hi, it's Will Truman. Right, listen, I've got some great news for you, uh, if you're still looking for an apartment.
GRACE: [SINGING] Money, money, money, money...
WILL: [DISAPPOINTED] Oh, you did? No, that--that--no, that's okay. I--I understand.
[WILL HANGS UP.]
GRACE: [MEEKLY] Money?
WILL: They bought another place.
GRACE: [GROANS] Oh... You know what? Maybe we deserve this. Maybe this happened because we are supposed to learn a lesson. Maybe the flippers who care are supposed to care a little more.
WILL: Yeah. What are we gonna do with this apartment?
SCENE VI: Stuart and Jack's Apartment
[WILL AND ZANDRA ARE LOOKING AT HER OLD APARTMENT.]
WILL: Anyway, Zandra, we're-- we're really sorry we tried to kick you out of your home. And all we're asking for is-- is what we put into the place.
ZANDRA: Oh... That's very fair of you, Homo. Oh, I'm so glad to be out of the Actors' Retirement Village. Finally I can take a tub without Charlotte Rae staring at me.
WILL: Yeah, those-- Those are some Facts of Life I could've done without knowing.
[WILL'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hello? The--what? The--the place fell through? Well, no, no, of course it's still available. Zandra, your bag's still in the hallway, right?
SCENE VII: A Pub
[LYLE IS HOLDING A DART AND TALKING TO A GUY.]
LYLE: Now, look, as we're playing for money, I should warn you, I'm extremely good at this.
[LYLE THROWS A DART. A MAN SCREAMS "OW!" IN THE BACKGROUND.]
LYLE: Anyone else you'd like me to hit?
[THE GUY SHAKES HIS HEAD, HANDS LYLE SOME MONEY, AND WALKS OFF.]
LYLE: [TO THE BARTENDER] Another drink please, barman.
[KAREN AND LORRAINE WALK UP BEHIND LYLE.]
KAREN: [TO LYLE] Hello, sailor.
LYLE: Look, I've only got a hundred dollars-- [TURNS AROUND] Karen?
LORRAINE: Hi, Dad.
LYLE: What are you doing here?
KAREN: I want us to be together. And I know you want it too.
LYLE: But I--I don't see how it's possible. I mean, I can't have the two women that I love most in the world going at it like Italians.
KAREN: Well, don't say it like that. It makes us sound so garlicky. But...we've been doing some thinking. And we've realized that... the reason we fight so much isn't because we're different. It's because we're the same.
LORRAINE: That's right. We're both money-grubbing, sex-starved women who are ofttimes mistaken for transvestites.
KAREN: Yes. And if that's not reason enough to build a relationship, I don't know what is. [SIGHS] Look, I can't guarantee that we won't fight. But we're two women who love you, and want you to be happy. Is that such a bad thing?
LYLE: No, I suppose not. Three women would be better, but two's a start.
LORRAINE: I'm gonna leave you two alone. I'm gonna head back to my seedy little hotel room, which ironically was quite nice before I moved in.
KAREN: No, Lorraine, wait. Come back to the manse. Stay as long as you want.
LORRAINE: Really? Thanks.
KAREN: [TO LYLE] How 'bout you, stretch? You coming too?
LYLE: Oh, well, it doesn't seem proper, the three of us living together without benefit of marriage.
KAREN: Uh-oh. Did I just hear a proposal?
LYLE: No, but now you've made it awkward. Look, I'm-- Good heavens, I wanted to marry you the first time I set eyes on you. Karen, before God, before these toothless whores and aging alcoholics, before my daughter, I proclaim my love. Will you marry me?
KAREN: Of course I will, Lyle. That is how you pronounce it, right?
LYLE: Yeah, Lyle, yeah.
[LYLE AND KAREN KISS AND HUG.]
LORRAINE: Oh, this is so exciting! Finally, the old man's getting married. And congratulations to you too, Dad.