Original Airdate 2/26/2004
Written by Adam Barr
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
John Cleese (Lyle Finster)
Minnie Driver (Lorraine Finster)
Dave Foley (Stuart Lamarack)
Eileen Brennan (Zandra)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[JACK IS SITTING ON THE COUCH EATING AN APPLE WHILE READING A MAGAZINE. WILL AND GRACE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE READING THE CLASSIFIED ADS.]
WILL: This is crazy. Ten years ago, a three-bedroom in Chelsea would be half this price.
GRACE: I know. And a two-bedroom in Clinton has nearly tripled in value.
WILL: But, oddly, Chelsea Clinton has gotten slimmer.
JACK: As an uninterested observer who looks ravishing in white... I have a simple query. What's going on?
WILL: Oh, well, Grace and I are looking to buy a property to flip. You know, we buy it cheap, fix it up cheap, and you resell it for not cheap. We're flippers.
JACK: Outrageous! I want no part of your ruthless, money-grubbing schemes. You make money. And who loses? The big oil companies and President Bush. I think it's disgusting.
WILL: Well, sure we make money, but everyone benefits. You know, we'll buy for a fair price. We'll invest our time and our creativity, and we'll flip for an honest profit.
GRACE: That's right. We're the flippers who care. And you know how Ben and Jerry's gives five percent of its profits to charity? Well, we're gonna spend five percent of our profits at Ben and Jerry's.
KAREN: Hey, kids! I got the best news and I couldn't wait to share it with you, because you're last on my list. Lyle Finster and I are back together!
JACK: Really? Didn't you guys break up?
KAREN: [NODS] Mm-hmm.
JACK: 'Cause the last time we saw the two of you, you were taking advantage of him to get back at his daughter, Lorraine. Meanwhile, you developed real feelings for him in the process, but he no longer cared.
KAREN: Oh, Jackie. I love when you recap. He decided to forgive me. He's back, he's moved in, and we're shagging like two lieutenants after lights out.
JACK: That's beautiful. It's just like An Officer and a Gentleman, when Richard Gere comes back at the end to get his guy--
WILL AND GRACE: [TOGETHER] Girl.
JACK: And he carries him--
WILL AND GRACE: [TOGETHER] Her.
JACK: Out of the bath house.
WILL AND GRACE: [TOGETHER] Bus factory.
KAREN: Oh, Jackie. I'm in love. And with the sweetest most adorable gal.
WILL AND GRACE: [TOGETHER] Guy.
SCENE II: Karen Walker's Penthouse, the Kitchen
[KAREN AND LYLE ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE READING THE NEWSPAPER. ROSARIO IS POURING THEM COFFEE.]
KAREN: So, did you have a busy day, darling?
LYLE: Oh, the usual. Putting out fires, starting new ones, pissing in the wind and such.
KAREN: [SIGHS] You businessmen and your legalese. It's all so complicated.
LYLE: And now, what about you love? [TO ROSARIO] Thank you, Manuel. [TO KAREN] What have you got planned for today, my darling?
KAREN: Just catching up on my knitting. Every Easter for all of the servants, I crochet tiny little bunnies with their salaries on them.
LYLE: Oh, I bet they love that.
KAREN: Mm-hmm. Yes, they do. And it's a special gift, because it comes from me.
[KAREN NOTICES ROSARIO SITTING IN A CHAIR HAVING A CUP OF COFFEE.]
KAREN: [TO ROSARIO] Hey! Time to sit is time to knit. Get on it stitch.
[KAREN TOSSES ROSARIO THE KNITTING BAG.]
ROSARIO: What a coincidence. One knitting needle for each of your eyes.
[ROSARIO TAKES THE BAG AND EXITS THE KITCHEN.]
KAREN: [TO LYLE] Oh, darling, what did I ever do to deserve you? Hmm. I guess, somewhere in my wicked, miserable past, there must have been a moment of truth...
[KAREN STARTS SINGING "SOMETHING GOOD" FROM THE SOUND OF MUSIC, CONTINUING FROM THE LINES SHE JUST SPOKE.]
KAREN: [SINGING] ...For here you are, standing there, loving me. Whether or not you should...
[KAREN AND LYLE JOIN HANDS.]
KAREN AND LYLE: [SINGING] For somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something, something good.
KAREN: Oh, darling, promise me it will always be this way. That we'll always spend our mornings over coffee and enjoying an impromptu song.
LYLE: I promise, though spontaneity makes it harder to incorporate footwear.
[ROSARIO ENTERS THE KITCHEN.]
ROSARIO: [CHUCKLES] Ms. Karen. You're gonna lose it.
KAREN: Whaddaya talk? Wild horses couldn't kill this buzz.
[LORRAINE FINSTER ENTERS.]
LORRAINE: I wouldn't count on it.
[KAREN IS STARTLED.]
KAREN: Lorraine Finster! You got a lot of nerve coming here! How did you even get in? I would have thought the toothbrush hanging over the door would have scared you away.
LORRAINE: Oh, that's what that was.
LYLE: What are you doing here?
LORRAINE: What's it look like I'm doing? Turning tricks for Tootsie Rolls? I was kicked out of my place, so I'm moving in here. [TO KAREN] Hello, mother!
SCENE III: The Hospital
[JACK AND STUART WALK THROUGH THE HALL. THEY STOP OUTSIDE A PATIENT ROOM.]
JACK: Thanks for walking me, Stuart. The streets are really tough out there for a boy alone. Ironically, they're tougher for two boys together.
STUART: Wow, I'm really impressed you're working with patients already.
JACK: Oh, thank you. As a student nurse, I can't technically touch them, treat them, or care for them. But I can look kindly at them and be thankful I'm not them.
STUART: And that's the best medicine of all. Well, I'll see you tonight.
JACK: Kiss you then!
[STUART EXITS DOWN THE HALL. JACK OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS IN.]
JACK: Good morning! My name is Jack and today we're going to play everybody's favorite game, Dead or Alive!
[JACK PULLS BACK THE PRIVACY CURTAIN. HIS FORMER ACTING TEACHER, ZANDRA ZOGGIN, IS LYING IN THE BED.]
JACK: [GASPS] Zandra!
ZANDRA: Oh! I'll give you ten bucks to unplug me.
JACK: Zandra, it's me. Jack McFarland. Remember? I'm your former acting class protégé. I'm a student nurse now. Yeah, I really feel like I found my calling, so don't even try to talk me back into acting.
ZANDRA: If I start to, you put a finger right into my brain!
JACK: So, how are you? Are you dying? You looking like you're dying.
ZANDRA: I'm not dying, jerk. I'm getting out of here today.
JACK: Oh. So are you going home?
ZANDRA: No. A slot finally opened up in the Actors' Retirement Village. I waited twenty years... and then fortune smiled. Last week, someone was smothered in their sleep.
JACK: So, are you thinking about selling your old place?
ZANDRA: What's it to you, chimp?
JACK: I have the perfect buyers! I'll introduce you to them, and then I'll help you move. I'll be by at eight.
ZANDRA: Great. Maybe I'll be dead by seven.
JACK: Oh, Zandra! I wish everybody who died in that bed had your sense of humor.
SCENE IV: Karen Walker's Penthouse, The Kitchen
[LORRAINE IS BEGGING LYLE TO STAY. KAREN IS STANDING BY WITH HER HAND ON HER HIPS.]
LORRAINE: Please, daddy. I have nowhere to go. I've lost everything... my job, my apartment. I am naked under this coat.
LYLE: Poor dear. Sit down, sit down. Let us talk about it.
[LYLE LEADS LORRAINE TO THE TABLE AND PULLS OUT A CHAIR FOR HER.]
LYLE: May I take your coat?
KAREN: Forget it! I don't want her sticking to my furniture.
LYLE: [TO LORRAINE] But, darling, I thought you were doing so well in the chorus of Taboo, the Boy George musical, that you were bunking with Boy George?
LORRAINE: Well, I was, but because the show closed, he kicked me out. Well, that and he found me in a three-way with Simply Red and Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
KAREN: Hit the road, you syphillitic toad.
LYLE: Karen, if there's one thing I will not tolerate, it's rhyming insults.
LORRAINE: [TO KAREN] Sow.
LYLE: [TO KAREN] Stop it!
LORRAINE: [TO LYLE] Daddy... please? The streets are an awfully hard place for a girl like me. Please, can you find it in your heart to take me in?
[LORRAINE LOOKS AT LYLE SHEEPISHLY AND BATS HER EYES.]
[KAREN BEGINS CLAPPING SLOWLY.]
KAREN: Brava. That's quite a performance, Lady Macbreath. But they ain't nobody buying it.
LYLE: Karen, the girl has nowhere to go.
LYLE: I mean, She's my only child. Well, the only pretty one. Will you please... Let her stay for me.
KAREN: Oh, Finny, you gentle giant. How can I say no to a face like that. All right, fine, she can stay.
KAREN: But she has to drink from the hose and any trick she turns, the house gets thirty percent.
LORRAINE: That is not fair! The industry standard is fifteen!
SCENE V: Zandra's Apartment
[JACK HAS ARRIVED TO HELP ZANDRA MOVE OUT.]
JACK: Fifty years in one apartment. Whew. A lot of memories, huh?
ZANDRA: I still remember the night that Don Ameche tied me to this radiator with my bra.
[CUT TO OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT. WILL AND GRACE HAVE ARRIVED. GRACE IS CARRYING FLOWERS. WILL KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.]
WILL: [SING-SONG] Hello-oooo?
GRACE: Why do you do that? Why do you put too many O's on your "hello?"
WILL: I don't know-oooo.
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR.]
JACK: Oh, hey you guys. Come on in!
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: Ooh, Jack, you were right. This is great. A lot of potential.
ZANDRA: Who are you?!
[ZANDRA SHAKES HER CANE AT WILL AND GRACE.]
JACK: Zandra, this is Will and Grace. They're my best friends. Her husband abandoned her. His never existed. Will and Grace, Zandra.
WILL: Hi. We actually met last year. I, uh, I took one of your classes. You helped me get through to a very honest place, really excavating those layers that kept me buried emotionally.
ZANDRA: Oh, the crying fag!
JACK: [NODS] That's him.
WILL: [EMBARASSED] Anyway, thank you.
GRACE: Hi. It is such an honor to meet you. We brought you chocolate and flowers. Here are the flowers.
[GRACE GIVES THE FLOWERS TO ZANDRA.]
WILL: Zandra, we would like to make you an offer.
JACK: [TO ZANDRA] An offer? Zandra, now you don't have to be buried in a drawer.
ZANDRA: Ok, here are my terms. Either you give me two thousand more than what I paid fifty years ago, or there is no deal.
WILL: Wow. Two thousand... whole dollars. Let me just confer with my colleague here.
[WILL PULLS GRACE ASIDE.]
WILL: [QUIETLY] Oh my God! This is a great deal!
GRACE: [QUIETLY] I can't believe it! No, no wait. Aren't we taking advantage of her? Aren't we the flippers who care?
WILL: [SIGHS] [QUIETLY] You're right. We should do the right thing.
GRACE: [QUIETLY] We have to.
WILL: Zandra. Two thousand is way too low. We're gonna give you two thousand two hundred.
GRACE: And a pen.
[GRACE PICKS UP A PEN FROM THE TABLE AND GIVES IT TO ZANDRA.]
ZANDRA: Suckers. I already have a pen.
JACK: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I brought you guys together. Shouldn't I get ten percent commission?
WILL: You're absolutely right. And ten percent of two thousand two hundred is two dollars and twenty cents.
[JACK THINKS FOR A BIT, THEN NODS IN AGREEMENT.]
SCENE VI: Zandra's Apartment
[WILL AND GRACE HAVE COMPLETELY REDECORATED AND RENOVATED THE APARTMENT. IT HAS ALL NEW FURNITURE.]
GRACE: Wow. This is nice.
GRACE: It feels good, work. Rolling up your sleeves, getting dirty.
WILL: And how would you know? I sanded, I painted, I brought in all the furniture. All you did was sit on your ass and plow through a bag of Doodles.
GRACE: Hey, I'm an artist. Do you know how many Ho-Ho's Picasso went through when he was painting Guernica?
WILL: Well, whatever it takes. It's a great design. The place looks amazing. And we are gonna make a fortune!
GRACE: Let's clap on that.
[WILL AND GRACE HIGH-FIVE.]
WILL: Ow! You did it hard!
GRACE: You did it hard!
[JACK AND ZANDRA ENTER THE APARTMENT.]
JACK: Hey, hey! Lookit here!
JACK: The old dame wanted one last look before cataracts took her sight entirely.
ZANDRA: Oh, my, this is so pretty. It's just like when I bought it. Look here, this is where Robert Mitchum dry-humped me when we were on dope.
WILL: Well, another Cold Case file solved.
ZANDRA: You know what? I've changed my mind.
GRACE: About what?
ZANDRA: I want my home back!
WILL: Wait a minute! What about the Actors' Retirement Village? It's so fun there, with all the famous actors, who lost all their money getting swindled by their business managers, and now their only source of amusement is passing gas and pulling the covers over their head? Fun!
ZANDRA: I hate it. Adam West never locks the bathroom door.
JACK: You hear that? She can't walk down the hallway without getting a peek at the batpole. Now, come on, give her the place back!
WILL: No! I'm sorry, but she sold it to us.
JACK: I thought you were the flippers who care?
GRACE: We still care. If anything, we care more.
GRACE: You're going to that home, lady!
ZANDRA: You remind me of Lucille Ball. I hated Lucille Ball!
JACK: Well. You two are really something! Kicking an old woman out her home. A place were dozens of dead actors molested her. And for what? Money! I hope you're happy. Let's go, Zandra. You've been screwed in this apartment enough!
[JACK AND ZANDRA EXIT.]
SCENE VII: Karen Walker's Penthouse
[KAREN IS IN THE KITCHEN GETTING HERSELF A CUP OF COFFEE WHEN LYLE ENTERS.]
LYLE: Morning, darling.
KAREN: Oh. Morning. Coffee magically appeared again today. Would you like some?
LYLE: Oh, love some. Yes. I don't know why I slept so late. The last thing I remember is eating that oatmeal cookie.
KAREN: Oh. [CHUCKLES] Rosie puts roofies in them. I hate raisins.
LYLE: Anyway, I'm sorry I passed out. I was looking forward to making love to you.
KAREN: Oh, you did.
[KAREN AND LYLE KISS... LORRAINE ENTERS.]
LORRAINE: Ugh. Couldn't you do that somewhere else? People eat in here. I don't want to see a sixty-year-old man making out with my father.
LYLE: Lorraine, that is no way to greet Karen.
LORRAINE: Sorry, daddy. [LOUDLY TO KAREN] Morning, mother!
KAREN: Lorraine. Could you please tone down that British accent? It makes me nauseous this early in the morning.
LYLE: [TO KAREN] Darling, I have a British accent.
KAREN: For which I take Dramamine.
[ROSARIO ENTERS THE KITCHEN AND GOES INTO THE REFRIGERATOR.]
LYLE: [TO LORRAINE] Muffins?
[LYLE PUSHES THE BASKET OF MUFFINS IN FRONT OF LORRAINE.]
LORRAINE: I don't like muffins! I want chocolate pudding for breakfast.
KAREN: Lorraine! These muffins have been specially designed to keep you regular. There are two things I will not tolerate in this house! Racism. And constipation.
ROSARIO: Yeah, you're the Rosa Parks of pooping.
[ROSARIO EXITS THE KITCHEN.]
LORRAINE: [WHINING LIKE A CHILD] I want chocolate pudding!
KAREN: Listen, English leather face--
LYLE: No, no no. Let me-- Let me Karen.
KAREN: Thank you, darling.
[KAREN STEPS BACK AND FOLDS HER ARMS AND SMIRKS.]
LYLE: Now, look.... Chocolate pudding it is.
LORRAINE: Thank you, daddy! I'll be in the TV room. Make one of the servants bring it in on their head.
LYLE: Sure. I know how much that amuses you.
[LORRAINE EXITS THE KITCHEN.]
KAREN: Darling. You have got to set some limits for your daughter. You have to tell her "no" once in a while. Believe me, I know. I am raising two step-children of my own.
LYLE: But your step-children went back to their mother.
KAREN: Yes. But when they came and begged to stay with me, in the home where they'd grown up, I said "No".
LYLE: [NODS] Yes, yes. I can see how difficult that must have been for you. But Lorraine and I are re-establishing our relationship, and I really want her to like me.
KAREN: Darling, she's not looking for a friend. She's looking for a father. You must give her some discipline.
LYLE: But, how do I discipline a thirty-two-year-old woman?
KAREN: Pretend she's two sixteen-year-olds.
SCENE VIII: Zandra's Apartment
[WILL AND GRACE ARE ALONE IN THE APARTMENT AFTER THE OPEN HOUSE. WILL IS TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE.]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Well, we're excited too, and we look forward to getting your offer.
[WILL HANGS UP.]
GRACE: They're making an offer?
WILL: They're making an offer.
GRACE: Four frickin' offers?!
[WILL AND GRACE HIGH-FIVE.]
GRACE: Stop it!
WILL: Getting rich is fun. People that say money doesn't buy happiness, they're just not trying hard enough.
GRACE: Money isn't ruining us, is it? I mean, we're still good people, right? We're still the flippers who care?
WILL: Well, of course. Why would you even ask that?
GRACE: I don't know. I mean, we did sort of steal this place from Zandra and force her into a home.
WILL: What force? Getting into that place has been a dream of hers. She's wanted to die there her whole life.
GRACE: That's true. We did a good thing.
WILL: We're good people.
[JACK AND STUART ENTER.]
JACK: And there they are. The most dangerous thing to happen to old ladies since Ashton Kutcher.
STUART: That is a joke that both entertains and teaches. The important thing to bear in mind is that Jack is very, very upset.
JACK: Zandra is miserable in that Actors' Retirement Village. Those people are freaks. They were all character actors when they were young. Do you have any idea what they look like now? All bug-eyes and gap teeth still thinking they're nosey neighbors and wise-cracking best friends.
WILL: You sure you weren't looking into a mirror?
JACK: Go ahead, laugh! But know this. That money is cursed. You took advantage of that sweet, gentle lady.
GRACE: What's that above your eye?
JACK: She put a cigarillo out on my forehead. Shame on you!
STUART: Wow, this place is fantastic.
JACK: Stuart, please. Don't be so adorable when I'm trying to be mad.
[JACK TURNS AND GLARES AT WILL AND GRACE.]
STUART: I'm serious, sweetie. I just think this place would be perfect for a certain couple I know. One's a tall drink of water and the other one's much shorter and very thirsty.
[STUART LOOKS JACK IN THE EYE AND RAISES AN EYEBROW.]
STUART: I think we should take the next step.
JACK: Oh, uh, heh heh... I don't think I'm ready for you to see me in drag.
STUART: I want us to live together. I want to buy this place and make it our home.
JACK: [GASPS] For reals?!
WILL: Wait-wait-wait wait a minute. We'd love to sell it to you, but we already have four offers.
GRACE: Well, five if you count that homeless guy. And I think he just wanted to use the bathroom. Wait. Did he leave?
[EVERYONE LOOKS AROUND THE APARTMENT.]
STUART: Well, listen. I'll match your best offer and I'll sweeten the deal with a tin of my world-famous peanut brittle.
WILL: Well, I don't know. I'm not sure...
GRACE: What, are you a fool? Take the brittle!
[STUART AND GRACE SHAKE HANDS.]
JACK: Oh my God, this is really happening! [TO STUART] Do I have to chip in?
STUART: Not a penny.
JACK: Oh my God, it's really happening!
GRACE: [TO JACK] Wait a minute, what about Zandra. You said that she hated the Actors' Retirement Village.
JACK: Oh, screw her. She got in with the Gabor clique, she's fine. I'm a bride!
[JACK JUMPS UP INTO STUART'S ARMS.]