Original Airdate 11/20/2003
Written by Sonja Warfield
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Lea DeLaria (Nurse Carver)
Dion Basco (Student Nurse Arpie)
Lela Lee (Student Nurse Ping)
Karen Bankhead (Student Nurse Burnadean)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[JACK IS PUTTING A BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF ON WILL'S ARM.]
WILL: You sure you know what you're doing?
JACK: Yes. We learned it in class yesterday. I've done it on myself, like, a hundred times.
WILL: Yeah? And how many times on your arm?
JACK: Oh ho ho! Will, very funny. Twice.
WILL: Where are they? Karen went to pick up Grace, like, two hours ago.
JACK: Hush, puppy. Your blood pressure just shot up. Think calm thoughts.
WILL: I'm just excited that she's coming home. I wish it was for longer than two days, though. We got a lot of TiVo'ed "Dr. Phil's" to catch up on.
JACK: Beautiful, beautiful.
WILL: What, my blood pressure's good?
JACK: I have no idea. I could see my reflection in this little thing here.
KAREN: Okay, kids, we're back from the airport. Now listen, before Grace comes in, I just want to tell you she's been through a lot. So don't say anything about her brassy red hair and chapped face. Let's try to be nice, okay? She's still the same slutty, flat-chested Grace we grew up with.
[GRACE ENTERS, PULLING HER LUGGAGE.]
GRACE: Ironically, my Aunt Honey made a similar speech when I came back from my freshman year in college.
WILL: Yay! Hello!
[WILL HUGS AND KISSES GRACE.]
WILL: And you stink.
GRACE: Oh, sorry. It's been eight days since I took a shower.
JACK: Hmm, no running water in Cambodia?
GRACE: No. There's water.
JACK: Ya know, of all the Bodias, Cambodia is my favorite. No, wait. Zimbodia.
WILL: So, come on, come on, come on! Come in! Tell us what happened. Why are you here? Your message was all garbled. Something about your mom's 50th birthday party. That can't be.
GRACE: Yeah, she guilted me into coming back for it. "How many times am I gonna turn 50?" Well, obviously, 25 times.
WILL: Well, we're glad you're back. And you look great, tanned.
GRACE: Oh, it's a rub-on. Got it at the airport.
KAREN: I once got a rub-on at the airport. Or did I give a skycap a handy? [SHRUGS] Ah. All I know is, I made 20 bucks.
GRACE: [SIGHS] I'm so glad to be here. I hate schlepping those bags around. That's the one good thing about Cambodia. The orphans are little, but they can carry a butt-load.
WILL: Grace Adler: America's goodwill ambassador.
SCENE II: The Nursing Classroom
[JACK ENTERS THE CLASSROOM, ALONG WITH HIS CLASSMATES: ARPIE, A FILIPINO GUY; PING, AN ASIAN GIRL; AND BURNADEAN, AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN GIRL.]
ARPIE: Oh, man, that anatomy test was hard.
JACK: You speak the truth, Arpie. But our reward is the funnest class of the day, Basic Procedures. Starring the glamorous Nurse Turner as our teacher. And if Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds taught us anything, it's that it's so much easier learning from attractive people.
JACK: Look at us, huh? Student nurses.
[THEY ALL HAVE A GROUP HUG.]
JACK: We're like one big Benetton ad. Hey, after class, let's go to Benetton, and go, "Hi, billboard much?"
[THEY ALL LAUGH.]
[NURSE CARVER ENTERS. SHE'S LARGE AND IN CHARGE.]
CARVER: Good afternoon, class. I'm Nurse Carver. I'm replacing Nurse Turner for the rest of the semester. She's decided to run for Miss Universe.
JACK: Um, hi. I'm student nurse Jack. Uh, I just want to let you know that I'm your key student. So, um, if you ever forget your key, I'm your guy.
CARVER: Okay, Student Nurse Ass-Kiss... If you're so smart, why don't you demonstrate, on me, how to take someone's blood pressure.
JACK: Uh, I didn't know you could do that to a woman, but okay.
CARVER: [OBNOXIOUSLY] Wrong!
CARVER: I have a large, flabby arm. You have to use the big cuff.
JACK: Oh, okay. I'm sorry, you were just making me a little nervous--
CARVER: You have to take my resting pulse rate before you attach the cuff.
JACK: Oh, okay. I'll just-- Right here, and let's just see--
[JACK TAKES HIS STETHESCOPE AND PUTS IT INTO HIS EARS AND MOVES TOWARDS NURSE CARVER.]
CARVER: [INTO JACK'S STETHESCOPE] Wrong!
JACK: What? Ow!
CARVER: You give your key to Student Nurse Asian-Girl. You are no longer the key student.
JACK: That's not fair! You're nothing like Nurse Turner. She was talented, well-poised, and looked great in a swimsuit.
CARVER: Sit down. You know, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but nursing is a life-or-death job. It demands absolute professionalism. Nurse Turner had her way of teaching. And I have mine. Now...shall I continue? Or does someone want to see me in a swimsuit?
JACK: I'm sure you would look lovely.
SCENE III: A Candy Store
GRACE: Oh! Finally! A good, old-fashioned, American candy store. Back in Cambodia, it was all sugar-coated flyin' ants. [SIGHS] A whole bag of those will make ya sick.
WILL: Mmm, malt balls.
[WILL POPS A MALT BALL IN HIS MOUTH.]
WILL: [WINCING] Eww. Carob raisin. This country's not without its problems.
GRACE: Okay, so after we eat our candy, let's go get some dinner, okay? Something good. Because Doctors Without Borders... dinner without flavors.
WILL: What's up with dinner? It's 9:15 in the morning.
GRACE: Yeah, but I'm still on Cambodia time. It's, like, 2:00 in the morning for me.
WILL: It wouldn't be 2:00 in the morning. It'd be--let's see, how many hours is England ahead of New York? Five. So it would be, like, 10:00.
GRACE: But I didn't fly that way. I flew West.
WILL: It doesn't matter. They're later, not earlier. Didn't you cross the international dateline?
GRACE: Ooh, "Dateline." Did you see the Amy Smart interview? She seemed kinda hip.
WILL: Amy Smart? Don't you mean Elizabeth Smart?
GRACE: Oh, do I? Who is Amy Smart?
WILL: The girl from "Project Greenlight."
GRACE: Ooh, I hope they bring that back. Okay, wait, what were we talking about?
WILL: I don't know. But somehow we ended up in the crappy jellybean section.
GRACE: Ugh, jellybeans make me mad. They shouldn't even charge ya for 'em.
[GRACE GRABS A HANDFULL OF JELLYBEANS AND STUFFS THEM IN HER MOUTH.]
WILL: I've missed you. I wish you didn't have to go back. I can't believe I have to go to the Barneys holiday sale alone.
GRACE: [GASPS] Oh! Is that this weekend? The Barneys sale's my favorite sale.
WILL: I know. There's something about Cameron Diaz rooting through a half-price bin that just says Christmas to me. I wish you could stay one extra day and go with me.
GRACE: Me too.
WILL: But I guess that's out of the question, right? I'm sorry, forget it. I shouldn't even ask.
GRACE: Well, I guess I could change my flight.
GRACE: It's just one day. And don't forget, with the time change, I'd be gettin' there yesterday anyway.
WILL: You'd do that for me? 'Cause I'm sure I could find someone else to shame me out of my skintight taste.
GRACE: No, you need me. I can't go through another episode of trying to get your Danskin off your man skin.
SCENE IV: The Corner Coffee Shop
[JACK SIT SITTING AT A TABLE WITH HIS CLASSMATES: ARPIE, BURNADEAN, AND PING.]
ARPIE: It is okay, Jack. She was mean to all of us.
BURNADEAN: Yeah, by tomorrow, you'll have forgotten all about it.
JACK: Easy for you to say, Burnadean.
JACK: She didn't punish you by making you dance with a skeleton.
KAREN: Oh, hey, Poodle. Hey, united colors.
JACK: Karen, I had the worst day of my life.
KAREN: And I had the best! I just played a super prank on Candi Bergen. I melted down her Emmys and made 'em into Cable Ace awards.
JACK: Karen, I'm in pain. My teacher was mean to me. She humiliated me in front of the whole multiracial class.
KAREN: Poots, I know just how you feel. I had a tough teacher once. Mm-hmm. I was kind of a misfit. [SIGHS] Trying to find my way in '60s London. And then along came this handsome black teacher. [GIGGLES] We called him sir. He whipped us into shape, and we all grew to love him. I wish I'd had a chance to thank him.
[KAREN BEGINS SINGING THE THEME FROM "TO SIR, WITH LOVE."]
KAREN: [SINGING] But how do you thank someone who has taken you from crayons to perfume.... It isn't easy...
JACK: [SIGHS] Karen!
KAREN: [SINGING] But I'll try...
JACK: Karen! Karen! Why do you think Sidney Poitier hasn't returned your calls? It didn't happen. Besides, I don't think I could ever grow to love Nurse Carver. She teased me, she taunted me. She even threatened to put on a bathing suit. And Karen...she's heavy.
KAREN: Oh, when I hear stuff like that, it makes me so angry!
JACK: [SIGHS] What a rotten day. I'm gonna go home to sigh. I hope he's there.
SCENE V: The Classroom
[NURSE CARVER IS SITTING AT THE DESK. KAREN ENTERS.]
KAREN: Oh, excuse me, sir. I'm looking for Nurse Carver.
CARVER: I'm Nurse Carver.
KAREN: Oh! I am sorry! How rude! I always forget that men can be nurses.
CARVER: What do you want? By the size of your pupils, I'm guessing an upper.
KAREN: I'm a friend of Jack McFarland's, and I want you to stop picking on him. Your insults are undermining his confidence.
CARVER: Which one is he again?
KAREN: Uh, the big sissy who will never amount to anything.
CARVER: Oh, yeah, him.
KAREN: So leave him alone!
CARVER: And what will you do... if I don't?
KAREN: [CHUCKLES] Well... let's just say you're picking on someone I love. I may have to start picking on someone you love. Oh, say, two small pugs named St. Elsewhere and Chicago Hope?!
[KAREN HOLDS UP A PHOTOGRAPH.]
[NURSE CARVER GASPS AND GRABS THE PHOTOGRAPH.]
CARVER: Where are they? What have you done with them? Who's that large Hispanic woman holding them in one hand and today's paper in the other?
KAREN: Are you shaking in your boxers?
[JACK ENTERS, CARRYING A BOX.]
JACK: Nurse Carver, I baked you a meat pie. Karen, what are you doing here?
KAREN: Oh, I was just having a little chat with your teacher. I think Nurse Carver has something to talk to you about.
CARVER: Student Nurse McFarland, great to see you, and excellent work on today's pop quiz.
JACK: But we didn't take one yet.
CARVER: Well, I've decided to give you a 90, right now--
KAREN: [BARKING] Ruff!
CARVER: 100, right now. In fact, I'm just gonna go ahead and give you a final grade of..."A" for the whole semester. Congratulations. See you at graduation.
[NURSE CARVER RUNS OUT.]
JACK: Karen... What did you do to her?
KAREN: Oh, nothin', honey. Mama took care of it. [CHUCKLES.]
JACK: This doesn't have anything to do with that photograph I took this morning of Rosario and those two dogs, does it?
KAREN: Completely sararate. Now come on, Poodle. Let's go celebrate your academic achievement the old-fashioned way.
JACK: Using Rosario as a toboggan in Riverside Park?
KAREN: [GIGGLES] Well, thank God it's winter. It wasn't as much fun in the spring.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
[GRACE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WAITING FOR WILL TO COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM. THEIR BARNEYS SHOPPING BAGS ARE ALL AROUND.]
GRACE: Come on! You're taking too long. I wanna see what you bought.
[WILL ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM. HE'S WEARING A SKIN-TIGHT, GLITTERY, V-NECK TOP.]
WILL: Wh-what do you think?
GRACE: I think somewhere Dorothy Hamill is skating topless.
WILL: Hey, this is not a girl's shirt, okay? A lotta guys wear shirts like these. In Japan. When they go out. To be mistaken for women. Okay, here is one thing I know you are gonna like.
[WILL PULLS A GOLD BLAZER OUT OF A BAG AND PUTS IT ON.]
GRACE: Nice. When did you join the Century 21 team?
WILL: No. It's part of my costume for the Sound of Music Sing-Along. I'm going as "re." A drop of golden sun.
GRACE: Wow. I'm impressed. Somehow you managed to gay up the Sound of Music Sing-Along.
WILL: Thank you.
GRACE: I miss this. You know, I only met one drag queen the whole time I was in Cambodia. Patty Rice.
WILL: Hey, here's a crazy idea. Maybe you could stay one more day and go with me to the Sound of Music Sing-Along.
GRACE: No, I-- Could I?
WILL: Could you?
GRACE: I don't know, I mean-- I mean, I guess it's only one more day, right? So that means I would leave tomorrow and get there today instead of yesterday. Okay.
WILL: Really? W-w-w-w-w-wait a minute. Are you doing this because you feel sorry for me? Because you think I'm lost without you? 'Cause let me tell you something, missy. I am. Totally lost.
GRACE: Will, I want to stay. You know how much I love the Sound of Music. And now I've got an excuse to get the blond braids back from Jack.
WILL: Great, so you're staying. Here, go try on one of these velour sweatsuits before they go outta style. Oh! Too late.
GRACE: And yet, you still wear Japanese girl shirts.
[GRACE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.]
[WILL RUNS TO THE PHONE AND DIALS.]
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hey, Joanie, it's Will Truman. Listen, Gracie's gonna call you and change her flight again. Can you use my miles to upgrade her return to Cambodia to first class? I want to surprise her. She what? Why would she buy a one-way ticket? Okay, thanks.
[WILL HANGS UP.]
SCENE VII: The Corner Coffee Shop
[ARPIE, PING, AND BURNADEAN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE STUDYING. JACK AND KAREN ENTER.]
KAREN: Whoo! What is better than a cup of hot cocoa after riding your maid in the snow?
JACK: It's surprising how many people are riding their maids on the Upper West Side.
[JACK NOTICES HIS FRIENDS.]
JACK: Well, look who's here! It's my school chums! Arpie, Ping, and Burnadean. Hi, guys.
ARPIE: Oh, hey, Jack. Oh, you've got some good color today.
JACK: We were sledding.
KAREN: Oh, look at you. Future nurses. Oh, the comfort you'll bring. The people you'll help. The patients you'll smother to end their suffering. I envy you.
JACK: Hey, so what are you guys studying? Anything I can help you with? I can name all the bones in the human penis.
BURNADEAN: I don't think so, Jack. Carver gave us, like, four chapters to learn for the test monday. So, we're going to Ping's house to study.
PING: We're gonna pull an all-nighter. Bernadean made glow-in-the-dark flash cards, and my mom's making parfaits!
JACK: Flash cards? Parfaits? Fun!
ARPIE, PING, BURNADEAN: [TOGETHER] Glucose-overdose! [THEY LAUGH.]
JACK: What's glucose overdose?
ARPIE: Oh, it is nothing. We did blood sugar in class today.
JACK: I missed blood sugar? I'll probably miss blood salt and blood pepper too. What else did I miss?
PING: Well, we did cover the circulatory system.
BURNADEAN: Aorta be a law against that!
JACK: I don't get it.
ARPIE: It is okay, Jack. You don't have to come to class anymore. You are so lucky.
BURNADEAN: We miss you, Jack.
JACK: Really? I wasn't in the way, being the smartest and the funniest?
ARPIE: We got to go. See ya.
[BURNADEAN, ARPIE, AND PING PICK UP THEIR BOOKS AND EXIT.]
KAREN: Oh, Strudel. Is that why you were dragging your tailpipe all day? Because you miss school?
JACK: I do miss it, Karen. And I miss my classmates. I was their Barbarino.
KAREN: But Nurse Carver was so mean too you.
JACK: Maybe she was mean so I would try harder. Maybe she's the teacher who's gonna make me a great nurse.
KAREN: Honey... now I understand what you're saying. Nurse Carver is a woman?
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
[GRACE EXITS THE BATHROOM AS WILL HANGS UP THE PHONE. SHE HAS A WHITE SHAWL DRAPED OVER HER SHOULDERS.]
GRACE: So, what do you think? It was marked down five times. I either got a really good deal, or there's a big stain I haven't found yet.
WILL: Yeah, it's perfect for Cambodia. You know, whether it's cocktails in a mud hut or just kickin' it in the killing fields.
GRACE: Hey, it's Vera Wang. It's Asiany.
WILL: So, I just got off the phone with Joanie at the travel agency.
GRACE: What? Why--why'd you call her?
WILL: Well, she's your travel agent. And I wanted to surprise you with an upgrade.
GRACE: Will, that's so sweet.
WILL: Yeah. She tells me that you don't have a ticket back to Cambodia.
GRACE: Oh, yeah, that's-- It's a very simple explanation. I used her for my outbound flight, and I used someone else for my return because Joanie can't be trusted with a round trip. That's why they call her "One-way Joanie."
WILL: So, who did book your ticket back?
GRACE: Um, I went across the street to her competition... Two-way Tony.
WILL: So, do you have a return flight?
GRACE: Yes, Will. I have a return flight. Satisfied?
WILL: What's the matter with you? Why are being so--
GRACE: Will you stop asking me questions, okay?! [PAUSE] I'm not going back. I booked a one-way flight home because... it wasn't working there. And I didn't want to say anything to you because I knew once I said it out loud, it would be... real. There's a problem in my marriage, and I don't know how to fix it.
WILL: Oh, sweetie. I had no idea.
GRACE: I thought if I went there to be with Leo, I'd be with him, you know? But he was working all the time. Once I didn't see him for seven days. I don't know what I would've done if they didn't have "Cambodian Idol" there. Anyway-- [SIGHS] We had this big discussion, and ultimately we decided that the best thing to do was for me to leave.
WILL: Wow. So, what's gonna happen with you guys?
GRACE: He's gonna finish this assignment. And when he gets back in the spring, we'll see where we are. Did that sound mature? 'Cause I'm terrified.
WILL: Okay. I know this seems bad, but you know what? This could be good. Because when you guys finally do get back together, it'll be because you both want it.
GRACE: You think?
WILL: Absolutely. Take it from a guy who-- although he hasn't been in a serious relationship for a long time-- has read a lot of romance novels. This is very positive.
GRACE: I don't know.
WILL: Really. Look, as soon as you guys get back together, and he tears off his shirt, revealing rippling muscles and a birthmark that proves he's not your brother, it's gonna be great.
GRACE: I hope so. By the way, I read that book. And there's a double flip at the end that proves that he is her brother. But it's still pretty hot.
WILL: So, what are you gonna do? You gonna stay out in Brooklyn?
GRACE: Of course, it's my home.
WILL: Because I was gonna ask if maybe you wanted to move back in here with me.
GRACE: Of course, it's my home.
[WILL AND GRACE HUG.]
WILL: [QUIETLY] This shawl is gonna look so good with that shirt I bought.
SCENE IX: The Corner Coffee Shop
[KAREN IS SITTING AT A TABLE. SHE WHISTLES AS SHE DIALS HER CELL PHONE.]
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Hey, Sidney Poitier, it's Karen Walker. But, uh, you might know me as Lulu. Yeah, listen, you really need to call me back right away. I think I might be pregnant.
[KAREN HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
KAREN: If that doesn't get him...