Original Airdate 11/13/2003
Written by Bill Wrubel
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Jack Black (Dr. Isaac Hershberg)
Stephanie Faracy (Nurse Eva)
Laura Kightlinger (Nurse Sheila)
Gerald Downey (Student Nurse Clark)
Carla Renata (Receptionist)
Kevin Sateri (Student Nurse Derek)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL AND JACK HAVE JUST FINISHED EATING DINNER.]
WILL: And now for the clean-up, enter the crumber.
[WILL PULLS OUT A WAITER'S CRUMBER AND SCRAPES THE CRUMBS OFF THE TABLE.]
JACK: Someone got a new toy. I was wondering why we had Saltines and corn muffins for dinner.
WILL: Mm-hmm. Well, I wore out the old one. This one's Italian. The American ones are sturdier, but I was feeling sporty.
JACK: Italian? [SCOFFS] Good luck gettin' parts for that.
[THE PHONE RINGS. WILL ANSWERS IT.]
GRACE: [Grace on telephone] Hi, it's me.
WILL: Hey, Gracie! Jack, it's Grace calling from Cambodia.
JACK: [WHISPERING] I'm not here.
WILL: Hey, how are you? What's going on? Are you calling from the middle of the jungle?
[CUT TO GRACE, IN A CAMBODIAN KFC.]
GRACE: Pretty near the jungle. Yup.
[THE CLERK PUTS A PLATE OF FOOD ON GRACE'S TRAY.]
GRACE: Ooh, no. No, no, no. Nine piece. This one. [POINTS TO A BUCKET] Hey, and don't skimp on the biscuits. Last time you only gave me one.
WILL: I-- What's-- I can barely hear you.
GRACE: Oh, I'm at the clinic. It's crazy. You would not believe the work that we're doing here. No, original recipe.
WILL: Original what?
GRACE: Oh, that's just what we call O-negative blood here. I help with transfusions.
WILL: Well, I miss you so much. But I'm so proud of the work you're doing. Have you met Angelina Jolie yet?
GRACE: Oh, please. She doesn't have the stomach to go where I go. Oh, I gotta go. My order's ready.
[GRACE HANGS UP.]
[CUT BACK TO WILL'S APARTMENT.]
WILL: Your-- Hello? [SIGHS] Our little Gracie. Saving the world.
JACK: Yeah. Where was she this time? Burger King?
WILL: Sounded more like KFC.
KAREN: Hi, cuties. Sorry I'm late. I have to leave early. In fact, I just left. So if you see me come in, tell me I went home.
WILL: Karen, did you go to your physical today?
KAREN: Yeah, I did, uh-huh.
WILL: Don't lie to me. You are on the board of Walker, Inc. now. You have to prove you're in good health, or at least the black market organs that make you up are in good health.
KAREN: I went to the doctor. Here, my x-ray. Happy? Sheesh.
[KAREN PULLS AN X-RAY OUT OF HER PURSE AND GIVES IT TO WILL.]
WILL: This is the x-ray of a cat.
JACK: She said the same thing to me when I caught her with a bird in her mouth.
KAREN: I'm scared of the doctor. That's why I always skip the middleman and go straight to pharmacist.
WILL: Karen, you have to go. Life is hard sometimes. You can't just crumb your way through it. So tomorrow, Jack and I are going to take you to the doctor, and that's final.
[KAREN HISSES AND CLAWS AT WILL.]
SCENE II: The Doctor's Office, Waiting Room
[WILL IS AT THE RECEPTIONIST'S DESK. JACK AND KAREN ENTER THE WAITING ROOM.]
JACK: Come on, Kare. Waiting rooms can be lots of fun. I'd like to introduce you to a fascinating new magazine I've discovered.
KAREN: What is it, Jackie?
JACK: It is Highlights. And it is filled with challenging games and puzzles.
KAREN: Ooh. I sent a riddle to them once. Never heard back.
WILL: [TO THE RECEPTIONIST] Excuse me, do you know how long we have to wait? I'm with Karen Walker.
RECEPTIONIST: There's no way of telling, sir. Karen Walker! Is there a Karen Walker here?
WILL: You know how much longer now?
[THE RECEPTIONIST POINTS TO THE BACK. WILL AND KAREN WALK TO THE BACK INTO THE EXAMINATION ROOM.]
[A NURSE, CLARK, EXITS THE BACK AREA AND WALKS PAST THE RECEPTIONIST.]
CLARK: [TO THE RECEPTIONIST] All right, Alice, take care. See you tomorrow.
[JACK HOPS IN FRONT OF CLARK, BLOCKING HIS WAY.]
JACK: Excuse me, doctor. Maybe you could help me. It hurts when I do this. [JACK DOES A DANCE MOVE.]
CLARK: I'm sorry, I'm not a doctor. Just a student nurse.
JACK: Did you say student nurse? Would you excuse me just for a minute?
[JACK TURNS AROUND, WITH HIS BACK TO CLARK, AND THINKS FOR A SECOND.]
JACK [THINKING TO HIMSELF]: Think, Jack, think. No outlandish claims or crazy invented personas. Just be yourself.
JACK: [TO CLARK] What a coincidence. I'm a student nurse too.
[CUT TO THE EXAMINATION ROOM. WILL AND KAREN ARE WAITING FOR THE DOCTOR.]
WILL: You're doin' fine, Karen.
WILL: Nothin' to be afraid of. Just take a deep breath and hallucinate pleasant thoughts.
KAREN: Oh, my word. Honey, look.
[KAREN PICKS UP A LATEX GLOVE.]
KAREN: This is the strangest looking condom I've ever seen. Why, what an oddly-shaped penis the doctor must have.
WILL: That's a latex glove. It goes on his hand.
KAREN: His hand? You bet it does. I'm not ready to be a mother.
[DR HERSHBERG ENTERS THE ROOM.]
HERSHBERG: Hey, how's it going? I'm Dr. Hershberg. Uh, before I begin the exam, could you give me a minute? 'Cause I just had to give some bad news to somebody next door
WILL: Oh, of course, of course.
HERSHBERG: Okay. [CRYING] Oh, God. [SOBBING] Oh. Oh, no! [SOBS]
WILL: Of course, if you'd be more comfortable doing it in the room next door, that's okay too.
HERSHBERG: [CRYING] Damn you, God! Why? Damn you! [IMMEDIATELY NORMAL] Any hoozlebees. Mrs. Walker, how you feelin' today?
KAREN: Well, scared, but a little better knowing that someone in the next room has just gotten awful news.
HERSHBERG: Well, listen, Mrs. Walker, this is a routine physical. You got nothing to worry about. You are in good hands. [TO WILL] And, dude, I know it's fun, but you are not allowed to watch.
WILL: Oh, no, Mrs. Walker asked that I be here. [KAREN NODS] I'm her attorney, which makes me a lawyer. Which is just as good as a doctor, no matter what my parents say.
HERSHBERG: That's cool.
[HERSHBERG PICKS UP A CONTAINER FROM THE COUNTER.]
HERSHBERG: Hey, whose warm lemonade? It's not mi-ine. It must be ur-ine. Get it? It's a cup of piss.
KAREN: Doctor, since I have you here, true or false? Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made.
HERSHBERG: Yes, that would be true.
WILL: Should I be nervous that I don't see any diplomas on the wall?
HERSHBERG: You guys, relax, I know what I'm doing. New York Magazine named me one of the top doctors in Manhattan. And guess who they didn't name. My lame-ass partner Dr. Joel Frankel.
[HERSHBERG OPENS THE DOOR AND YELLS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
HERSHBERG: [YELLING OUT THE DOOR] Hey, Frankel! Guess who's in here with a patient. Me, because I'm awesome, and you suck!
WILL: No, really, where are the diplomas?
HERSHBERG: Well, you know, I don't like to put them up because then it's like, "Hey, look at me. I'm the shiz!"
[HERSHBERG PULLS OUT A DIPLOMA FROM THE DRAWER AND GIVES IT TO WILL.]
WILL: Oh, Harvard. I went to Columbia, which is just as good, no matter what my parents say.
HERSHBERG: Well, let's get this party started, shall we? Okay.
[HERSHBERG PICKS UP KAREN'S FILE.]
HERSHBERG: "Are you currently taking medication? See attached."
[A LARGE BOOK IS LAYING ON THE TABLE UNDER THE FILE.]
HERSHBERG: This is the catalogue from Merck Pharmaceuticals.
WILL: Yeah, and a map of Mexico.
HERSHBERG: Okay, I think I've seen enough. Why don't you sit it right here?
HERSHBERG: And are you ready for the Dr. Isaac Hershberg experience?
KAREN: I am.
[HERSHBERG REACHES TOWARDS KAREN. SHE FREAKS OUT.]
KAREN: [SHREIKS] Aah! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm okay now.
[HERSHBERG TRIES AGAIN.]
KAREN: [SHREIKS] AAah! Oh! Whoo! Okay. Got it out of my system. I'm fine.
HERSHBERG: Okay, you're sure?
[HERSHBERG TRIES AGAIN.]
[HERSHBERG TRIES AGAIN.]
[HERSHBERG PRETENDS TO MOVE TOWARDS KAREN.]
[HERSHBERG MOVES HIS HAND AROUND IN FRONT OF KAREN.]
KAREN: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
WILL: I got an idea. I got an idea that I'm already regretting. Uh, Karen-- Doctor, why don't you examine me first?
KAREN: [CLAPS AND HOPS OFF THE TABLE]: Yes.
WILL: [TO KAREN] You watch, and then you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
HERSHBERG: Okay, whatever floats your goat.
[WILL SITS ON THE EXAM TABLE. DR HERSHBERG BEGINS EXAMINING HIM.]
HERSHBERG: Okay. Eyes, good. Ears, yes. Nose. Oh, brambly. Uh-uh. Not good.
[HERSHBERG WALKS TO THE INTERCOM ON THE WALL.]
HERSHBERG: [INTO INTERCOM] Nurse, can you get me the nasal flashlight and also the tiny thingy.
[HERSHBERG RETURNS TO WILL.]
HERSHBERG: Unbutton your shirt, please.
[WILL UNBUTTONS A COUPLE OF BUTTONS AND OPENS HIS SHIRT A BIT.]
WILL: See, Karen, I remain calm. Just allow the doctor to do whatever he needs to d--
[AS SOON AS THE STETHESCOPE TOUCHES WILL HE JUMPS AND BEGINS LAUGHING.]
[NURSE SHEILA ENTERS, CARRYING AN INSTRUMENT TRAY.]
SHEILA: Here you go, doctor. Your instruments have been lubed and sterilized. And so have I.
WILL: Hey, um, Nurse Sheila. You-- You were once my nurse at the sperm clinic.
SHEILA: Hmm, I'm not so good with faces. Drop your pants. I'll see if it rings a bell.
HERSHBERG: [TO SHEILA] Thanks for bringing these over so fast.
SHEILA: I can do it slower next time.
HERSHBERG: No, I like it fast.
SHEILA: I'll bet you do.
SHEILA: I like a guy with a little meat on his bones.
HERSHBERG: More cushion for the pushin'?
SHEILA: Hey, you said it.
WILL: So, uh... is Dr. Frankel free?
HERSHBERG: [TO SHEILA] You should go.
SHEILA: [GROWLING] Argh!
[SHEILA SLAPS DR HERSHBERG ON THE BUTT AS SHE EXITS.]
HERSHBERG: Hmm. If she weren't my sister, I'd be tapping that ass big time.
KAREN: Doctor. Your professionalism has won me over. I will consent to a physical examination.
HERSHBERG: Fantastic. You mind if I get stoned first?
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[WILL AND KAREN HAVE RETURNED TO HIS APARTMENT AFTER THE DOCTOR'S VISIT. JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: Hello, my large-breasted friend. Hello, Karen.
WILL: What happened to you? When we left the waiting room, you were busy with your Highlights magazine, still trying to find the toaster in the tree.
JACK: Doh! The tree! It's the one place I didn't look.
WILL: And yet it was circled by the five-year-old before you. Where did you go?
JACK: Well, while I was waiting, I met student nurse Clark.
KAREN: [NODS] Oh.
JACK: We started talking. Then there was some flirting. Little over the smock fondling. And then you can probably guess what happened next.
WILL: A lawsuit?
KAREN: Under-the-smock fondling?
JACK: [TO KAREN] Yes, and nursing. I enrolled in nursing school. And you know the best part?
WILL: You need money?
JACK: I need money! Tuition for the first semester is $2,700, so I'm gonna need a check by the end of the day. So how 'bout you give me the money, and in return, I make one of my trademark adorable expressions.
[JAKE SITS ON THE COUCH NEXT TO KAREN AND MAKES A "CUTE" FACE.]
KAREN: Oh, Jackie, I love that expression. Hey, you know what other expression I love? When I say no, and you start to cry. No.
KAREN: I love it, I love it!
JACK: [WHINING] Will, are you hearing this?
WILL: I am, and I'm not giving you any money either.
JACK: How dare you?! Nursing is my passion! All my life I've searched for my true calling. And this is it. Nursing! And if you can't support me, you are dead to me! [CALMLY] No, not dead, because a nurse takes an oath to prevent death. [TO KAREN] You have cramps that won't go away. [TO WILL] And you have a smattering of adult acne. Good-bye!
[JACK STORMS OUT.]
WILL: We're gonna give him the money, aren't we?
KAREN: Oh, honey, we have to. It's what we do. We're Will and Grace. Now, come on. Sit next to me on the couch, and we'll dry hump.
[KAREN PATS THE COUCH. WILL SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND KAREN KICKS HER LEGS UP ON HIS LAP.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS GRINDING SALT AND PEPPER ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE, THEN SCRAPING IT OFF WITH HIS NEW CRUMBER.]
[KAREN ENTERS CARRYING AN ENVELOPE AND A PRESCRIPTION BAG.]
KAREN: Will. I got the results of my physical back, and I'm a-scared to open 'em. Will you look for me?
WILL: What, you're afraid they're gonna find some blood in your alcohol?
[KAREN GIVES WILL THE ENVELOPE AND BAG.]
[KAREN CLASPS HER HANDS TOGETHER AND PRAYS.]
KAREN: Dear Lord, if I'm okay, I promise I will dedicate the rest of my life to serving you.
[WILL OPENS THE ENVELOPE AND LOOKS OVER THE DOCUMENTS.]
WILL: It says here you're fine.
[KAREN OPENS HER HAND TO REVEAL THAT HER FINGERS WERE CROSSED.]
KAREN: Ha-ha, fall for it again, God. [LAUGHS]
WILL: Yup, you punked the Almighty. They just want you to start taking some calcium.
[WILL OPENS THE BAG AND PULLS OUT A PILL BOTTLE.]
KAREN: How come?
WILL: Well, you know, when you reach a certain a-- A woman of your-- You know, when you're in your f-- Rich people need calcium.
[WILL PUTS A PILL IN KAREN'S MOUTH. SHE SPITS IT OUT.]
KAREN: I don't like it.
[WILL PUTS ANOTHER PILL IN HER MOUTH. SHE PUSHES IT OUT WITH HER TONGUE AND IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR.]
WILL: Well, tough. You have to take it.
[WILL PUTS ANOTHER PILL IN HER MOUTH, AND KAREN LETS IT FALL ON THE FLOOR.]
[WILL TRIES AGAIN WITH ANOTHER PILL, AND KAREN LETS IT FALL ON THE FLOOR.]
[ONCE MORE, WILL TRIES TO GIVE KAREN A PILL AND SHE LETS IT FALL ON THE FLOOR.]
[WILL TRIES AGAIN AND KAREN SPITS IT INTO HIS FACE.]
WILL: Come on! Just pretend it's one of your Mexican tic tacs.
KAREN: What are you, some kind of calcium pusher? Trying to get me hooked on calcium so you and your calcium-crazed friends can make me dance like a calcium monkey?
WILL: Fine, I'll just take my stash back to the schoolyard and prey on kids with bad posture.
JACK: Hello, you gorgeous gay man. Hello, Will. I got big news.
KAREN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Us first. Honey, we called the nursing school. And we paid your tuition for the entire semester. And we got you your uniform and a pack of blank prescription pads. Mm-hmm. Well, half of a pack.
WILL: We felt bad that we were so negative about your interest in nursing. It was a knee-jerk reaction, because almost everything you've ever taken an interest in is, you know, stupid.
JACK: Aw, well, thank you. That's so nice. But I'm through with nursing. Okay? And my new calling, surfing. And I'm gonna need a check for $1,600, okay?
KAREN: What are you talking about?! We just spent $27 million on your nursing career!
WILL: 27 hundred.
KAREN: Oh. Then why am I yelling?
WILL: Because we spent the afternoon looking for white Rockports and smocks with tumbling kitties on them. You get nothing.
JACK: How dare you! Surfing is my passion! All my life I've searched for my true calling. And this is it! Surfing! And if you can't support me, then you are dead to me. No, not dead, because surfers believe in reincarnation. Karen, you are a junior sales associate at Walgreen's in Manasquan, New Jersey. Will, you're her wife. Good-bye!
SCENE V: The Hospital
[KAREN AND WILL ENTER AND MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE NURSES' STATION.]
KAREN: So how are we going to work this? How are we going to get the money back? I was thinking maybe we'd work a little "good cop, bad cop."
WILL: More like good cop, drunk cop.
KAREN: More like good cop, bad breath.
[WILL AND KAREN WALK UP TO THE DESK TO TALK TO NURSE EVA.]
WILL: Hi. We're wondering if there's a way to get a refund on this semester's tuition our our friend, Jack McFarland.
EVA: Jack is dropping out?
WILL: Well, don't feel bad. He was here almost a week. That's three days longer than he lasted at acrylic nail school.
KAREN: And five days longer than at jeweled acrylic nail school.
EVA: Oh, I can't believe it. You know, I have worked here longer than I care to say. I mean, if I'm here one more year, I'm gonna take out everybody in here and myself. But, you know, Jack is amazing. He's the most promising nursing student we've had since Pilar Palabunda.
KAREN: [GASPS] [QUIETLY TO WILL] Honey, did you hear that? He's better than Pilar.
WILL: Let's remind ourselves that we don't know Pilar. [TO EVA] So Jack is good?
EVA: Mm-hmm. Well, you know, I know he was only here a few days, but he had such an enormous impact. I mean, we all loved him. Student nurse Derek, have you heard that student nurse Jack is dropping out?
DEREK: No. [HE BEGINS CRYING HYSTERICALLY AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
EVA: They were lab partners. Derek really hitched his wagon to Jack's star. Somebody walked in and saw them.
[WILL AND KAREN NOD.]
EVA: But, you know, we let it slide because of his talent and his aptitude exams were the highest in his class.
[WILL AND KAREN LOOK AT EACH OTHER, COMPLETELY SUPRISED.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
[JACK IS BENT OVER WAXING A SURF BOARD IN WILL'S LIVING ROOM WHEN WILL AND KAREN ENTER.]
WILL: Ah, look, beach blanket butt crack.
[JACK STANDS UP AND PULLS HIS SHORTS UP.]
JACK: Well, if it isn't the dream killers. Kill any dreams today?
KAREN: Honey, listen, we think you should go back to nursing school.
JACK: Oh, really? Well, that just proves that you don't get me. My surfer friends get me. They say, "Hey, Jack, we get you."
KAREN: Jackie, listen to me. They loved you. Yeah. They put you right up there with Pilar Palabunda.
WILL: That's the name you remember? You don't remember my name, or your own! But Pilar Palabunda rolls right off your tongue?
KAREN: Honey, that's only because that's the name I used to beat up businessmen for cash in Chinatown. [TO JACK] So anyway--
WILL: Jack, Jack. This is a great opportunity. This is not like one of your pretend jobs: Actor, choreographer, pirate. They think you might actually be good at this.
JACK: Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I know I'm good? Look, say I have found my "calling." Say I do become a "nurse," okay? Then what? I make a steady income. I pay my bills? I become a reliable, upstanding member of society? All of a sudden I'm not me anymore. I'm my worst nightmare. I'm...I'm you!
WILL: Jack, sweetheart. Please don't worry. On your best day, you could never be me. And I'm willing to bet that no matter what dizzying heights you reach in the go-go world of student nursing, you'll always be yourself.
KAREN: Honey. I know it's scary. Hey, when I started working in the corporate world of Grace Adler Designs, I was terrified. Would she like me? Would I be good at my job? And now look at me, honey. I'm one of the richest women in the world. Yes, there's no connection. But if you pause in the right places and emphasize the right words, it sounds very inspiring.
JACK: Oh, Kare, if only I could be sure.
[WILL'S WATCH ALARM BEEPS.]
WILL: Oh, Karen, it's time for your calcium.
KAREN: I don't wanna.
WILL: Oh, just take the damn pill.
[WILL TRIES TO GIVE KAREN THE PILL.]
KAREN: Leave me alone!
JACK: Oh, for God sake, give it to me.
[JACK TAKES THE PILL FROM KAREN.]
JACK: Come here.
[JACK STRADDLES KAREN'S BACK AND PUTS THE PILL IN HER MOUTH; HE COVERS HER MOUTH THIS HIS HAND AND TAPS HER THROAT.]
[KAREN SWALLOWS THE PILL.]
JACK: Good girl, good girl.
WILL: Jack, do you see this? You're a natural.
JACK: Well, all I did was give her calcium to make her bones stronger.
WILL: More importantly, you just said "bone" without giggling.
JACK: Oh, my God. I'm growing up. I said bone without giggling. [CHUCKLES] Heh-heh. Bone.
SCENE VII: The Hallway Between Will and Jack's Apartments, Café Jacques'
[KAREN AND WILL ARE SEATED THE TABLE, WAITING FOR JACK.]
KAREN: Oh, thanks for helping me, Wilma. You know, my bones feel stronger than ever. I smacked a servant today, and instead of just flinching, she fell right to the floor. It was good.
WILL: Wait till you bite someone. You're really in for a treat. Come on, Jack! You ready or what?
[JACK EXITS INTO THE HALLWAY, WEARING HIS WHITE STUDENT NURSE UNIFORM.]
KAREN: [GASPS] Hubba-hubba!
JACK: Oh, yeah! I think I'm gonna like student nursin'. And finally, a legitimate reason to wear white hose.