Original Airdate 10/9/2003
Written by Jhoni Marchinko
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Harry Connick Jr. (Dr. Leo Markus)
Blythe Danner (Marilyn Truman)
Leslie Jordan (Beverley Leslie)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS IRONING.]
WILL: [TO THE IRON] What is it about putting metal to cotton that makes me feel like a man?
[GRACE AND LEO ENTER.]
WILL: Hey. Leo, be honest with me... How do you feel when you see a pillowcase this perfect?
[WILL HOLDS UP THE PILLOWCASE THAT HE HAS BEEN IRONING.]
LEO: I feel excited, and then sad. Wait, scratch "excited."
[GRACE GETS A BOTTLE OF WATER FROM THE FRIDGE AND TOSSES IT TO LEO.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] So, do you have that tennis racket for me?
WILL: Yeah. Right here. Never been used. Bought it a few years ago when I was still hoping that Lleyton Hewitt was a latent homosexual.
[WILL GIVES THE TENNIS RACKET TO GRACE.]
WILL: I can't believe you guys are playing tennis today. It's a beautiful sunny day, you should be at the movies.
GRACE: I know. I'd love to be inside, but Karen invited me to her country club.
LEO: Yeah, I'm surprised Karen belongs to a club that lets Jews in.
GRACE: Oh, actually, I might have to sign in as Kelly O'Reilly. [TO WILL] Anyway, what are you doing today?
WILL: I'm gonna drive to Connecticut, see my mom. Since the divorce became final, she, you know, sounds a little down. I'm gonna spend some time with her.
GRACE: Which show did you buy tickets to as an excuse to get out of there?
WILL: Hey, I don't need an excuse. The fact that I have seats for Mamma Mia with a strict 8:00 pm curtain time is purely coincidental.
LEO: Wait, so, so you get a little Mama, and then you get a little Mamma Mia? [LAUGHS AT HIS JOKE] Come on, give me another one. I'm on fire.
WILL: Anyway, I'm taking Jack along for company. And 'cause it's fun when my mother yells at him for touching the furniture. He cried once. [CHUCKLES] Ha ha. Oh, it was so good.
GRACE: Thanks for this. [RE: THE TENNIS RACKET]
[WILL AND GRACE KISS.]
LEO: You guys kiss way too much.
[LEO AND GRACE OPEN THE DOOR TO LEAVE.]
[JACK COMES BARGING IN. HE'S WEARING A SHIRT, BUT NO PANTS.]
JACK: [QUICKLY WALKING PAST LEO AND GRACE] Sorry, guys, can't talk, a lot going on right now, really....
[LEO AND GRACE EXIT.]
[JACK WALKS UP TO WILL AT THE IRONING BOARD, HOPPING UP AND DOWN, ANXIOUSLY.]
JACK: Are my khakis done? You know what they say, a wrinkled ass is the devil's playground.
[JACK'S PANTS ARE HANGING ON A HANGER. WILL PICKS UP THE HANGER AND HANDS IT TO JACK.]
WILL: Beat that, Hung Lee Dry Cleaners.
JACK: You really love ironing, don't you?
WILL: [VOICE BREAKING] I do love ironing.
SCENE II: The Country Club, A Tennis Court
[GRACE AND KAREN ARE GETTING READY TO PLAY.]
GRACE: Okay I might be a little rusty. The last time I played was at Camp Hasamir Hatzayir. I won the singles title, and got to try ham.
KAREN: Yeah. Honey, feel free to keep the Jew talk down to a whisper.
[LEO ENTERS THE COURT.]
LEO: Hey, guys. Man, this is a fancy club. I can't tell whether I was peeing in a urinal or an empty candy dish.
KAREN: [TO LEO] Grace's husband, what are you doing here?
GRACE: Well, he was gonna play with us. That's okay, right?
KAREN: Oh, heh, well I thought it was just gonna be you and me.
LEO: Is there a problem?
KAREN: No. [TO GRACE] I thought it was just gonna be you and me.
GRACE: Oh, I'm sorry. I just assumed when you invited me that you invited me and my husband.
KAREN: [GUFFAWS] No, it's fine. [TO GRACE] I don't know how to tell you this, but I thought it was just gonna be you and me. Besides, where am I gonna find a partner at the last minute?
[KAREN'S RIVAL/FRIEND BEVERLEY LESLIE ENTERS THE COURT.]
BEVERLEY: Well, well, well. Karen Walker...
[KAREN SIGHS AND PUTS HER HAND ON HER HIP.]
BEVERLEY: Once again single in a doubles world.
KAREN: Beverley Leslie with your pants so tight, won't you be my partner tonight?
BEVERLEY: Ooh, I would be honored.
LEO: You think we can take 'em?
GRACE: Please... between the two of us, we've got eight feet on them.
SCENE III: The Truman House in Connecticut
[WILL AND JACK HAVE ENTERED THE HOUSE.]
WILL: Okay. Just a quick stop here, and then back to New York for two hours of Mamma Mia, and a lifetime of trying to get "Dancing Queen" out of our heads.
JACK: I'm so excited.
[BOTH SQUEAL AND DO A LITTLE HOP.]
JACK: Do you realize we haven't seen it in almost three weeks?
WILL: [WINCES] Okay, I went once without you.
JACK: I went twice yesterday.
WILL: Hello, anybody home?
MARILYN: Hi... Will. Hi...
WILL: Didn't you hear me calling you?
MARILYN: Yeah, I did, but... Oh, I figured that if I didn't answer, eventually, you'd find me sitting here alone, so, I didn't want to waste the energy saying, "Hi, 'I'm in here."
WILL: Are you okay?
MARILYN: Yeah, I'm fine. Hello, Jack.
JACK: Hi, Mrs. Truman, I just wanted to say--
MARILYN: Ooh, don't touch that molding. There is some kind of, ugh, oil on your hands that, last time, actually damaged the wood.
WILL: Isn't it a little dark in here, mom? Come on, you should open the curtains. It's a beautiful day.
MARILYN: Oh, is it? Oh, last time I looked, it was pouring rain. Boy, time flies when the man you've been devoted to for 40 years says, "Stop calling, you're waking us up." Now, who wants a glass of chardonnay?
WILL: Mom! You don't drink chardonnay in the dining room at 10:00 in the morning. You pour it into a coffee cup and drink it in the bathroom. What's going on?
MARILYN: Oh, nothing's going on. It's just that the things that seem so important just don't seem so important anymore, you know. Impressing the neighbors, keeping up appearances... bathing.
JACK: Well, for what it's worth, I can barely smell ya.
MARILYN: You're sweet, Jack.
JACK: Well, I bathe.
MARILYN: Oh, don't sit there! That chair's for guests.
WILL: Mom, I'm worried about you. You're sitting here alone in the dark. You-your ornamental gourds are all askew. And-- And are you not wearing a bra?
MARILYN: Oh, I have it on. It's just around my waist. I'm hungry. I'm gonna go get the rest of that sandwich out of my bed.
[MARILYN WALKS OFF TO HER BEDROOM.]
JACK: Okay, she seems fine. [JACK MOTIONS TO EXIT.]
WILL: Fine? It's like a scene from Grey Gardens in here. I'm afraid if we leave, she's gonna take a nap at the bottom of the pool.
JACK: Hey, my grandmother wears her bra around her waist. Of course, that's where her boobs are.
WILL: Ohh, eww!
SCENE IV: The Country Club, Tennis Court
[BEVERLEY AND KAREN ARE GETTING READY TO PLAY AGAINST GRACE AND LEO.]
[IT'S BEVERLEY'S SERVE. BEVERLEY BOUNCES THE BALL ON THE COURT A FEW TIMES....]
KAREN: Come on, serve! What, you need a normal-sized person to stand on so you can see over the net?
BEVERLEY: I'll have you know, people at the club actually talk about my serve!
KAREN: They also talk about your he/she quality, but that's not gonna win us the points. Come on!
[BEVERLEY SERVES THE BALL. GRACE HITS IT BACK TO KAREN.]
[KAREN HITS IT TO GRACE. GRACE HITS IT BACK.]
LEO: That's a good sound.
[KAREN HITS IT TO GRACE. GRACE HITS IT BACK.]
[KAREN HITS THE BALL TO LEO. IT HITS HIM IN THE GROIN.]
LEO: Oof! [LEO FALLS TO THE GROUND.]
[GRACE RUNS OVER TO HELP LEO.]
GRACE: If we can still have children, that was really funny. [GIGGLES] Oh, are you okay?
LEO: I'm fine, fine. Must have been her drinking arm.
[GRACE HELPS LEO UP.]
KAREN: Ooh, I'm sorry, Grace's husband. I promise it won't happen again.
KAREN: [HITS THE BALL REALLY HARD] Uh!
LEO: [THE BALL HITS HIM IN THE CHEST] Oh!
KAREN: [HITS THE BALL REALLY HARD] Bam!
LEO: [THE BALL HITS HIM IN THE ARM] Oh!
LEO: [THE BALL HITS HIM IN THE HEAD] Oh!
LEO: [THE BALL HITS HIM IN THE BACK] Oof!
LEO: [THE BALL HITS HIM IN THE GROIN] Ah!
LEO: [STRAINED] Nice shot... [LEO STUMBLES BACKWARD, HOLDING HIS GROIN.]
KAREN: Woo-hoo! We win! Ha-ha!
BEVERLEY: Take that, you stupid giants! Ha ha ha ha!
GRACE: Karen, can I see you for a minute?
KAREN: Sure, honey.
[KAREN EXITS THE COURT. BEVERLEY HIKES UP HIS SHORTS.]
GRACE: [TO LEO] Sweetie, can I get you anything?
LEO: Uh, maybe just a glass of water. And-and some tiny crutches for my balls.
[GRACE EXITS THE COURT TO TALK TO KAREN.]
GRACE: What the hell's the matter with you?! Why are you harpooning my husband?
KAREN: [SIGHS] Ohh... "husband, husband." Does everything have to be about your precious "husband"? [ROLLS HER EYES AND SIGHS]
GRACE: Ok, I get it. You just lost Stan, and then I show up with my guy. This must be incredibly hard for you.
KAREN: Ooh. [CHUCKLING] No, that's not it. No. [CHUCKLES] No.
GRACE: Then what is it? Karen? Well, you told me about the hit and run, you can tell me.
KAREN: It's just... I hate Leo. Yeah. [TOUCHES HER RACKET TO GRACE'S HEAD] Boop.
KAREN: Mm-hmm, hate him. Hate him, hate him, hate him. [LAUGHS] He's dull, he's ugly, [IN A FUNNY DEEP VOICE] and he don't make me laugh. [LAUGHS]
[GRACE IS SHOCKED.]
GRACE: Is that all?
KAREN: Well...no, honey, but I don't want to say anything more, that would be hurtful. Sheesh...
[KAREN EXITS INTO THE COURT.]
SCENE V: The Truman Home, Living Room
[MARILYN SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH WITH HER GLASS OF WINE. WILL AND JACK FOLLOW HER INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]
WILL: Hey, mom, you know what we should do?
MARILYN: Your father was selfish in bed.
WILL: That's right, the vacuum game!
JACK: Oh, I love the vacuum game. [QUIETLY] But do they make attachments for girls?
WILL: Not that vacuum game. And by the way, you can keep my Dust Buster.
WILL: Come on, mom!
MARILYN: Oh, I can't even remember the rules.
WILL: Of course, you do. I-I-I vacuum a room, and then you follow me around and critique it. And every time I did it right, I'd get a fudge brownie. [WILL GRINS]
JACK: [TO WILL] Every question I've ever had about you has just been answered.
MARILYN: I think the vacuum may have broken when I used it to suck up your father's Rolex.
[MARILYN STARTS TO POUR MORE WINE INTO HER GLASS, BUT THE BOTTLE IS EMPTY. SHE TAKES THE BOTTLE INTO THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: [TO JACK] Great. What are we gonna do? She's still a mess! And if we stay here any longer, we're gonna be late for Mamma Mia. And you know if you miss the first five minutes, you may as well miss the whole thing!
[WILL SITS DOWN AND POUTS.]
JACK: Hey, calm down, veins-a-poppin'. I have an idea. Why don't we bring her with us?
WILL: No! My mother hates musical theater. I took her to see Les Mis. She said, "Oh, please dear, in real life, the poor people never sing that much." Trust me, she'd hate Mamma Mia.
MARILYN: Mamma Mia? Are you boys going to see that? You know, the woman next door whose son has a meth problem raved about it.
WILL: Really? You want to go? You-you do know there will be singing?
MARILYN: Oh, I love singing. Oh wait, they aren't poor, are they?
SCENE VI: Grace Adler Designs
[GRACE AND KAREN ARE AT WORK.]
GRACE: How could you not like Leo? Everyone likes him. Even the woman whose leg he amputated said, "I may have lost a leg, but I gained a friend."
KAREN: Honey, I told you, he just doesn't make me laugh. Although, I believe I said it like this. He don't make me laugh. [KAREN LAUGHS] Ohh.
GRACE: Well, obviously, you have no sense of humor because he's funny. He's like Regis funny. And if you don't see that, well, then I feel sorry for you.
LEO: Knock, knock.
GRACE: Oh, hey, what do you know about that? A knock-knock joke, and Leo's famous for them. Ha, ha, ha! Who's there?
LEO: You see, I wasn't saying a knock-knock joke, I just entered without knocking, so I said, "knock knock."
GRACE: Ha ha ha! You kill me. Baby, um... will you tell Karen what you did the other day at Balducci's in-in-in the produce aisle?
LEO: [LAUGHS] That was good.
GRACE: I know.
LEO: That was good.
GRACE: It was, tell it.
GRACE: And tell it really funny. Tell it perfect.
LEO: Uh, I decided to make chicken the other night, so, so I was gonna marinate some carrots.
[KAREN COULD NOT BE LESS INTERESTED IN LEO'S STORY.]
GRACE: Sweetie, cut to the funny part. That's not the funny part.
LEO: So I'm standing behind this woman who's also buying carrots. And right before we had a chance to reach for them, she grabs the last bag. So I said to her, look, could you maybe make an 18-carrot meal instead of a 24-carrot meal?
[LEO AND GRACE LAUGH. KAREN JUST NODS.]
GRACE: Get it? "Carrot."
GRACE: Like gold?
GRACE: [LAUGHS] Yeah!
KAREN: I got that. Listen, I'm gonna go "poop."
GRACE: You could've told that a lot better! You should have said carrots more, it's a funny word. Fool!
[GRACE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.]
LEO: What-what is wrong with you?
GRACE: [SIGHS] I'm sorry. It's just... it's Karen. Okay, Karen doesn't really like you.
LEO: Well, so what? I don't really like her. Come on, let's go grab some lunch.
GRACE: Well, doesn't that bother you?
LEO: No. Not everybody has to like me.
GRACE: Yes, they do. If people don't like you, how are you supposed to know if you like yourself?
LEO: Well, you still like me, don't you?
GRACE: I don't know. It's all muddy now. Why can't she see how fantastic you are?
LEO: Wait a minute. You're concerned about the opinion of a woman whose pet peeves are sobriety and kindness?
GRACE: You're right. Who cares what that lunatic thinks. Everyone else adores you and that's all that matters.
LEO: What about you, Grace?
GRACE: I'll get there.
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
WILL: [SINGING] Mamma Mia, here I go again.
JACK: [SINGING] My, my, how can I resist ya?
MARILYN: [SINGING] Mamma Mia, does it show again?
WILL/JACK/MARILYN: [SINGING] My, my, just how much I missed ya.
MARILYN: Whoa! Boy I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. Oh yes, that's right, it was right before I walked in on your father holding that hooker up in the air with his legs.
[MARILYN WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM, SINGING "FERNANDO" ON THE WAY.]
MARILYN: [SINGING] There was something in the air that night, the moon was bright. Fernando...
WILL: Jack, thank you. It was a great idea. I really owe you one.
[JACK SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH. HE PICKS UP A SMALL DISH FROM THE COFFEE TABLE AND BEGINS EATING OUT OF IT.]
JACK: Well, I don't know why you're so surprised. For I am a wise man, Will. A wise man.
WILL: Yes, you are. By the way, that's potpourri.
JACK: Or is it brain food for a wise man?
WILL: It's potpourri.
[WILL TAKES THE POTPOURRI DISH AND SETS IT ON THE COFFEE TABLE.]
[MARILYN EXITS FROM THE BATHROOM, HUMMING "FERNANDO".]
WILL: Come on, mom, say goodnight to Jack. I'll drive you home.
MARILYN: Home? Ugh. The thought of going back to that house makes me want to stop taking my calcium pills, and throw myself down the stairs.
WILL: Come on, we're gonna see each other in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, think of all the fun you're gonna have with your "Mamma Mia" beach towel, and your "Waterloo" water bottle.
MARILYN: Yes, you're right. It's fine.
JACK: Wait a minute. Hold on a sec. Hold the phone. I'm workshoppin' an idea here. You could leave, yes. But what if you stayed?
JACK: Sure. Why be two lonely old women rattling around in your stained caftans and shower caps alone, when you could do it together?
WILL: Uh-- W-- Jack, sh-- She doesn't want to stay here.
MARILYN: Well, I-I-I-I could stay for one night, I--
JACK: Or seven. Or a whole month. Stay until you feel better, Mari.
WILL: She-she already feels better. [STUTTERING] Silly, did-did-didn't you hear her singin'? Jack, before I forget, I think I saw something shiny in the hallway, wanna have a look?
JACK: Ooh, I'd love to.
[WILL AND JACK GO OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
JACK: [LOOKING AROUND] Where is it? Why are you hiding it from me?
WILL: It's right here. [WILL TWISTS JACK'S NIPPLES.]
JACK: Ow! [JACK GRABS HIS CHEST.]
WILL: What the hell are you doing? I can't live with my mother! Don't you realize the crimp that is gonna put in my theoretical social life?
JACK: Shame on you. That woman suffered through heterosexual sex, and give birth to a bloated lump. And this is how you thank her?
WILL: I thanked her plenty with 30 perfect piano recitals, and long letters from government leadership council.
JACK: Fine! Uninvite her.
WILL: Fine, I will.
[WILL RE-ENTERS HIS APARTMENT.]
[MARILYN IS WEARING RUBBER GLOVES AND CLEANING THE KITCHEN COUNTER.]
MARILYN: [SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "FERNANDO"] La-la-la-la la la-la, la-la la-la. La la la. [NOTICES WILL] Is everything all right?
WILL: Yeah. I-I just think it's best... if-if you stay.
WILL: Yeah. Why don't you go to the linen closet and pick out a duvet with contrasting sheets?
MARILYN: I'm so lucky I had boys.
[MARILYN GIVES WILL A KISS ON THE CHEEK.]
SCENE VIII: The Country Club
[KAREN AND GRACE ARE SITTING AT A TABLE HAVING A DRINK.]
GRACE: Anyway, Leo and I talked about it--
[A WAITER PUTS DOWN A SMALL BOWL OF CHIPS ON THE TABLE.]
GRACE: [TO THE WAITER] Excuse me, can you not be so stingy with the bagel chips? And I'm asking as a rich Irish woman.
GRACE: Anyway, we talked about it. And we decided that we don't care if you don't like him.
KAREN: Oh, that's fantastic, honey, 'cause I really don't.
[KAREN TAKES A SIP OF HER DRINK.]
GRACE: Well, I don't care. More importantly, Leo doesn't care.
[LEO WALKS IN AND DROPS A BOOK ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF KAREN.]
LEO: That's my high school yearbook. 876 people, all of them like me.
GRACE: Leo, what are you doing?
LEO: Listen! Excuse me.
[LEO OPENS THE BOOK AND POINTS.]
LEO: Maria Ginetti. Let's see what she wrote... "Never change." You know why she didn't want me to change?
GRACE: Because she had a moustache?
LEO: Because she liked me. I got a hundred never changes. I got 300 K.I.T's. "Keep in touches." Homecoming king... funniest... most popular. Oh look, here I am hosting our school's Night of a Thousand Laughs. The reviews for that? I'm glad you asked.
[LEO PULLS OUT A NEWSPAPER CLIPPING.]
GRACE: Leo. I thought you said you didn't care.
LEO: Well, I do care! I mean, I-I-I I'm good looking. I'm a doctor. I'm funny. Maybe you don't see it. But there's a certain entertainment reporter at the Sandy Springs High School Chronicle that just might disagree with you. [READING THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPING] "Not since the Spanish Club's production of El Grande--"
GRACE: All right, all right! Enough! Hey, hey, hey! You need to cool down, and get me bagel chips.
[LEO WALKS OVER TO THE BAR.]
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Okay, what are we gonna do about this? You see, the thing is if you don't like Leo, we're gonna end up spending a lot less time together.
[KAREN IS TAKEN ABACK.]
GRACE: I mean, I'll-- I'll see you at work. Or as you like to call it, the sleep-it-off place. But that's it.
KAREN: No, honey, that would kill me. Hey, okay. How about this? What if I pretend to like him, just like I do your other husband, Will?
GRACE: Interesting. Leo, would, would that work for you?
LEO: Let me get this straight. If anybody asks, or if, let's say you ever have to sign a yearbook, you'd say you like me?
LEO: Huh. That's great. So, in effect, everyone really does like me.
[GRACE TAKES LEO AND KAREN'S HANDS AND SMILES.]
GRACE: All right, then, we're all friends. On the surface, where it counts.
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS RECORDING A NEW MESSAGE INTO THE ANSWERING MACHINE]
WILL: Hi, Will and... and... his mom aren't in right now. So--if you could leave a message, af-after the-the sound... Oh, hell, let them e-mail.
[WILL'S MOM PICKS A DVD CASE UP FROM THE TV AREA.]
MARILYN: Oh, you've got my favorite movie. Splendor in the Grass. What? Well, that's careless. They left off the G-R. Shall I pop it in?
WILL: Ironically, that's the first line in the movie...