Original Airdate 5/1/2003
Written by Sally Bradford
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Macaulay Culkin (Jason Towne)
Clark Gregg (Cam)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL has made dinner for GRACE, JACK, and KAREN.)
WILL: Everybody had enough? Jack, Karen, seconds? Grace, fourths?
GRACE: I couldn't. But you know what, I wouldn't mind taking the rest of that for later. You know you how you always get hungry an hour after veal parmigan?
JACK: So, K, how's it going with the divorce? Do we know what we're getting yet?
[JACK AND KAREN GIGGLE]
KAREN: Well, we'll find out next week after the hearing, but I'm not worried. All we have to do is show that Stan cheated on me, which the filthy pig did, no hard feelings, may he rot in hell, I love him to pieces, the fat turd. And I get half of everything.
GRACE: [POINTING TO KAREN'S PLATE] Can I have half of that?
KAREN: Sure. I may even get more than half.
GRACE: Me too.
[GRACE DUMPS ALL OF KAREN'S LEFTOVERS ONTO HER PLATE.]
KAREN: Because... I've got the best lawyer in town in my corner, one Miss Wilma Truman. Drop trou' and take a bow, honey.
WILL: Uh, Karen, I can't represent you. Stan is my firm's biggest client. We handle every aspect of his business, from the factories in Jakarta to the Hungry Bastard restaurant chain in Ohio. I just assumed you knew I'd be representing him.
KAREN: Well, I didn't know. I just assumed that you and I were friends. Well, I'll show you, missy. I'll get another lawyer. A better lawyer. A gayer lawyer!
WILL: Yeah, well, good luck finding that.
SCENE II: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Conference Room
(WILL and KAREN are waiting for her lawyer.)
KAREN: Well... my lawyer should be here any minute. Are you nervous, nelly?
WILL: Look, Karen, I know it's awkward being on opposite sides, but there's no reason this case should get in the way of our lukewarm friendship.
KAREN: Wait till you meet this guy. He's a killer. He'll make a monkey of you. But, of course, with your hairy back, that shouldn't be much of a leap.
[KAREN'S LAWYER ENTERS. HE'S A YOUNG KID WEARING AN OVERSIZED SUIT.]
JASON: Hey, Mrs. Walker, sorry I'm late. I figured, since I'm a lawyer now, I should probably have a suit. I stopped off at The Men's Wearhouse, but my credit card got declined. So I had to call my mom, but... not to worry. I got the suit, and I'm ready to get medieval on law's ass. Hi.
WILL: Hi. Uh, Will Truman.
JASON: Oh, hi. I've heard of you. I'm Jason Towne, but all the kids at law school call me "JT". Well, uh... not all of them. Some of them call me Soupy 'cause, you know, I like soup. And this one kid called me Paul 'cause I look like this kid... Paul.
[WILL JUST STARES AT J.T., WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN SURPRISE.]
JASON: What, uh, do I have a boog? [JASON WIPES HIS NOSE.]
WILL: No, no, no. No... boog. Uh, I just-- You just seem very young. That could just be me. The other day I realized that the guy at Starbucks that I've been calling "Sport" is actually 32.
JASON: Wow, 32... scary. So, uh, you guys ready to party?
KAREN: Fire it up, Soupy.
[JASON FIDDLES WITH HIS BRIEFCASE.]
JASON: I'm buggin' out. I can never get this thing open.
WILL: Yeah, they're kinda complicated. Wait till you get car keys. [TO KAREN] Can I see you outside for a second, please.
KAREN: Sure, hon.
[JASON FINALLY GETS HIS BRIEFCASE OPEN AND PULLS OUT A LUNCH BAG.]
JASON: Oh, sweet! My mom put in a Kudos.
[WILL AND KAREN STEP OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
KAREN: He's a cutie, isn't he? Pretty lips.
WILL: He's an infant. Where'd you find him, the Montessori School of Law?
KAREN: Hey, for your information, he just won Deborah Harry a huge settlement from the tabloids for saying that she showed up at the market with undies on her head. Which she did. I'd show you pictures, but I sold them to the tabloids. [LAUGHS]
WILL: Karen... Your case is complicated. It involves math and reading. I'm afraid this kid is too green.
KAREN: [LAUGHS] You're the one who's green... green with envy. Jealous much? Nervous much? Green much?
WILL: You leave me no choice, but to say... drunk much?
[JASON PEEKS OUT OF THE CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR.]
JASON: Hey, guys, can we motor? I don't want to leave my roommates with my iguana for too long. They'll get him high and make him eat ramen.
KAREN: [TO WILL] Worried much?
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(JACK is helping out GRACE while Karen is busy with her divorce.)
GRACE: Jack, thanks for filling in for Karen. All I really need you to do is to answer the phones and say my name correctly. I know that sounds simple, but you'd be surprised how many clients I've lost when the phone was answered "Grace Hitler Designs."
JACK: Wow, work is fun. Heh-heh. So when do we get to whistle at construction workers and drink Tab?
JACK: Okay, so, uh, why don't I make us some coffee?
GRACE: [LAUGHS] That's a good one.
[GRACE LAUGHS AND THEN LOOKS TO SEE JACK ACTUALLY MAKING COFFEE!]
GRACE: [SHOCKED] Really?
JACK: Well, sure. I hope you like your coffee strong. A-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! I love office humor. I just love it. I love it. I love it.
GRACE: Okay, well, today's pretty slow, so--
JACK: Oh, is that why you wore a costume?
[JACK LOOKS DOWN AT THE PLANNER.]
JACK: Oh, today's not slow. You have a client coming in any minute.
GRACE: Client? What are you talking about? How do you even know that word?
JACK: Well, I took a little "inish" and got you a meeting with an associate of mine. And by "associate," I mean friend. And by friend, I mean lover. And by lover, I mean [GROWLS] ... And by [GROWL] I mean... [RUBS HIS FINGERS TOGETHER] wealthy.
GRACE: How wealthy?
JACK: He's got a TV in the bathroom.
GRACE: Oh, what a great idea. 'Cause I miss so much TV when I'm in there.
[THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JACK JUMPS UP AND OPENS THE DOOR FOR HIS "ASSOCIATE", CAM.]
CAM: Hi, Jack.
[CAM MOVES IN TO HUG JACK, BUT JACK HOLDS HIS HAND UP AND STOPS HIM.]
JACK: Sorry, no public displays of affection. They don't know I'm gay here.
CAM: I guess that means you haven't spoken or moved.
JACK: [LAUGHS] Come on. [TO GRACE] All this, and I get to take a bath and watch Everwood. And sometimes I turn on the TV, okay. Grace, Cam. Cam, Grace.
GRACE: Hello, I'm Grace.
[GRACE AND CAM SHAKE HANDS.]
CAM: I just want to say I love everything you're wearing, and I'm furious I didn't get those glasses first.
GRACE: They're just for show. I got them at an estate sale. They're actually killing my eyes. Pretty soon I'm gonna need glasses.
CAM: [TO JACK] What about her?
JACK: [TO CAM] Did I tell you, did I tell you? All right, now I'll leave you two to talk. I think you'll both find you have something fascinating in common... me.
[JACK EXITS THE OFFICE.]
GRACE: Why don't I show you what I can do for you.
[CAM FOLLOWS GRACE TO HER DESK, WHERE SHE OPENS A PORTFOLIO OF DESIGNS.]
[THERE IS SOME KIND OF WIERD SEXUAL ENERGY BETWEEN GRACE AND CAM...]
CAM: Ooh.... you're not afraid of color, are you?
GRACE: I'm not afraid of anything.
CAM: Ooh, look at that mohair sofa.
GRACE: You just want to lie on it, don't you?
CAM: I do. And give me that folding screen.
GRACE: I'd like to take that folding screen and put it right into your bedroom.
CAM: I'd like to see it there.
GRACE: Oh, you will, bitch.
[GRACE STOPS AND OPENS HER EYES IN SHOCK.]
GRACE: [EMBARRASED] I'm sorry. Sometimes I just get a little excited about my designs.
CAM: It's okay. I liked it.
[CAM AND GRACE SMILE.]
SCENE IV: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Conference Room
(WILL is sitting at the conference table working when JT enters, carrying a mish-mash of papers.)
JASON: Mr. Truman.
WILL: Soupy, what are you doing here?
JASON: I'm freaking out. Mrs. Walker's case is, like, mad complicated. They keep on sending me all these papers and these folders. I can't make any sense of any of it. Can you help me?
WILL: I'm the opposing counsel.
JASON: Yeah, but you're cool, right?
WILL: No, I'm not cool. I'm uptight and moody. Which is not really the point. I- It's unethical for me to help you.
JASON: But, but I'm gonna lose the case, and Mrs. Walker's gonna lose, like, thousands of dollars.
JASON: Millions? Dang, that's a lot of cheddar, yo.
[JASON SLUMPS DOWN INTO A CHAIR.]
WILL: That's craz-azy cheddar. Look, all you have to do is, is prove that Stan violated the prenup, and Karen gets half of everything.
JASON: That would be awesome. Like how?
WILL: How? How did you get Debbie Harry the huge settlement?
JASON: Dude, I didn't represent Deborah Harry. I was, like, born during her comeback. That was my dad's case.
WILL: I didn't realize there was a Soup Senior. Look... There's a fidelity clause in the agreement. You prove that Stan violated that, and you're set.
[JASON STARES BLANKLY.]
WILL: Oh, boy. [SIGHS]
[WILL CLOSES THE CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR. HE RAISES JASON'S CHAIR BEFORE HE SITS BACK DOWN.]
WILL: [QUIETLY] Look, you didn't hear this from me, but you might want to check out their surveillance tape from the prison. They keep a record of all activity. You might be able to figure out when Stan and his mistress hooked up.
JASON: Okay. Then what?
WILL: Well, then you can prove that... [WILL MOTIONS TO JASON, WHO JUST STARES BLANKLY.]
[WILL TRIES TO LEAD JASON INTO FINISHING THE SENTENCE. HE DOESN'T GET IT.]
WILL: The fidelity... [WILL HOLDS OUT HIS HAND TO LET JASON FINISH THE SENTENCE.]
WILL: Yes. Stan violated the fidelity clams. Clause! He violated the fidelity clause!
JASON: Mr. Walker violated the fidelity clause? That's huge. Can you prove that?
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is on the phone having a heated conversation.)
GRACE: [ON THE PHONE] Yes! This is Grace Adler of Grace Adler Designs. I was in there yesterday. I told you I would be back today. And now you're telling me you're all out? Do you know how much business I've given you over the years? How much money I've spent? You idiots never make enough chili!
[GRACE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE.]
[JACK ENTERS CARRYING THE MAIL.]
JACK: [SULLEN] Morning.
GRACE: Oh, Jack, good morning.
[GRACE TAKES THE MAIL FROM JACK AND HUGS HIM.]
GRACE: Thank you so much for hooking me up with Cam. I love him.
[JACK QUIETLY SITS DOWN AT KAREN'S DESK.]
GRACE: He has the most fabulous taste. Meaning, I do, and he's got a platinum card. Oh, and mister, don't think we've forgotten about you. Guess who's getting a panic room with its very own stripper pole.
JACK: I don't know.... [HOLDING BACK SOBS] Maybe Cam's new boyfriend. [JACK PULLS A TISSUE OUT OF THE BOX AND SNIFFLES.]
JACK: He dumped me in a restaurant. It was harsh. So was the lighting. He gave me this watch to remember him by. He doesn't know it yet. [JACK PULLS ANOTHER TISSUE.]
GRACE: Oh, Jack, I am so sorry.
JACK: Yeah, well, Grace, I'm so sorry for you too.
GRACE: I'll be okay. Wait. What?
JACK: [SNIFFLES] Well, I mean, now you have to quit. What kind of friend would you be if you kept working for the man who broke my heart?
GRACE: But, Jack, if everybody stopped working for men who broke your heart, the city would shut down.
JACK: It hurt, G! He said he couldn't see me anymore because I was silly. Me, silly. Well, I showed him. I took that napkin off my head and spoon off my nose, and I stormed out of that restaurant with my dignity.
GRACE: I could quit. I see that.
[JACK SNIFFLES AND NODS HIS HEAD.]
GRACE: Or-- And I'm just thinking out loud here-- Wouldn't it be better to get back at him by having me stay around as a constant reminder of the great guy that he dumped? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. What do you think?
JACK: Why, that's the perfect revenge.
JACK: He'll have a great house, you'll have a lot of money, and no one will be thinking of me! Nice try!
SCENE VI: A Fast Food Restaurant
(ROSARIO carries a tray of food to the table where KAREN is sitting. She hands KAREN a basket of onion rings.)
ROSARIO: Here. Now, you're gonna be disappointed. The special sauce isn't what you thought it was.
KAREN: Where's my J & B shake?
ROSARIO: They said they cut you off.
[ROSARIO SITS DOWN.]
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, take your breath burger and go eat it in the toilet with the other maids.
ROSARIO: Oh, by the way, I poisoned one of those onion rings. Happy hunting.
[ROSARIO TAKES THE TRAY AND MOVES TO A DIFFERENT TABLE.]
KAREN: Will, what are you doing here? I'm having lunch with my attorney.
WILL: Uh-huh. I guess this is where you go when you have a lawyer on retainer who wears a retainer.
KAREN: Hey, those are invisi-braces.
WILL: Look, I'm gonna get right to the point. Your lawyer's incompetent. He's a nice kid. Take him skateboarding. Sneak him into an R-rated movie. But for God's sake, do not let him represent you in a multimillion-dollar divorce case.
KAREN: What do you know? He happened to have won a number of high-profile cases.
WILL: Like what? Bert v. Ernie?
KAREN: How dare you?! That's mad insulting. You think that I can't tell when someone's incompetent?
[JACK WALKS UP WITH A BASKET OF FRENCH FRIES.]
JASON: Check out all these fries. I only paid for a small, but score! [TO WILL] What's up, bro?
WILL: Hey... dog. [TO KAREN] I'm leaving. Think about what I said.
JASON: What was he doing here?
[KAREN PULLS A SHOT GLASS AND FLASK OUT OF HER BAG.]
KAREN: Well, Will thinks, and I may be starting to agree, that you could be the wrong lawyer for me. You have no experience, your suit doesn't fit, and you giggle every time you say pro bono. [GIGGLES] Bono. Okay, that's funny. But, [SIGHS] I don't know, JT. I think maybe I better let you go. This is too important to me, and I can't afford to lose.
JASON: [SUDDENLY SERIOUS] Oh, we're not gonna lose this case.
[JASON PICKS UP KAREN'S SHOT AND DOWNS IT.]
JASON: He is. And you want to know why? 'Cause I tricked him. See, I walk into that room with my backpack and my big suit, talking about my iguana. I don't have an iguana. I'm a lawyer. I drive a Mercedes as big as a house. And I totally got Deborah Harry that settlement. And do you want to know how she thanked me? By rocking my world in the back of that Mercedes, that's how. You feel me? [JASON RAISES HIS EYEBROWS AT KAREN.]
KAREN: Oh, my. How would you like to live under my skirt?
JASON: Your dumb-ass friend spoon-fed me everything I need to win your case. His client's gonna lose his shirt, and Truman's gonna lose his job. You chew on that. I'll see you at the hearing tomorrow.
[JASON STANDS UP TO LEAVE.]
JASON: Oh, yeah, here.
[JASON TOSSES SOME MONEY ON THE TABLE.]
JASON: Get yourself a bikini wax. I like a clean work space.
SCENE VII: Cameron's Apartment
(GRACE knocks on CAM's door, he opens it and invites her inside.)
CAM: Grace, hey. I'm so excited. I had an idea about a theme. Nicki Kidman. We do Moulin Rouge for the living room, The Hours for the bathroom, and The Others for the guestroom 'cause I don't want anyone staying too long.
GRACE: Uh, look, Cam, we need to talk.
CAM: What's the matter?
GRACE: I can't do this. I can't be your designer.
CAM: Why? What happened? I thought it was going so well. We clicked. We were having fun.
GRACE: I know. It's just that, that Jack's my friend. And this really doesn't feel right anymore.
CAM: Oh, are you sure? 'Cause this morning I decided to the hell with the budget, I want the leather walls.
GRACE: Oh, my God! I love doing leather walls. No, no, I can't. It's--it's not right.
CAM: Or is it so right?
[CAM TAKES GRACE'S HAND.]
CAM: We can still work together. Jack doesn't have to know.
GRACE: Stop, you're confusing me. I'm sorry. I have to go.
[GRACE WALKS TO THE DOOR.]
CAM: I have a giant house.
CAM: It's in the country, and it's enormous. I want you to do it. Will you do my giant house?
GRACE: Cam, I'd love to. You know I'd love to, but I can't.
CAM: Okay, I understand. But tell me, just for fun, if you were to do my giant house, what would you do to it?
GRACE: [QUEITLY] I don't know.
CAM: Sure, you do. Describe it to me.
GRACE: Well, I'd have to know how big it is. I mean, you say it's giant. But a lot of clients exaggerate.
CAM: 10,000 square feet.
GRACE: Damn. I don't care what anyone says. Size does matter.
CAM: And I have a friend at Architectural Digest. He wants to do an article on the renovation. I see a picture of you in whatever we renovate doing this:
[CAM POSES, HOLDING HIS ARMS OUT, AS IF TO SHOW OFF THE APARTMENT.]
GRACE: [GASPS] I love doing this [GRACE HOLDS OUT HER ARMS]. Especially in pictures. All right, I'll do it. But only in the country house. The city is too risky. If Jack sees us together, he'll never forgive me.
CAM: I'll get my checkbook.
GRACE: I'll get my swatches. They're in the bathroom. I left them there yesterday when I was watching Oprah.
[GRACE RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM.]
[CAM SITS DOWN AND PICKS UP HIS CHECKBOOK.]
[JACK ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
JACK: Hello, Cameron. Sorry to bother you. Especially since I'm a-- Oh, how did you put it-- Shrieking infant with the attention span of a fly. But I left my Legos here.
[JACK LOOKS IN A COUPLE OF DRAWERS FOR HIS LEGO BLOCKS.]
JACK: [SHREIKING] What did you do with them?!
[CAM HANDS JACK A BUCKET OF LEGOS.]
CAM: Here. Now please, you have to go.
JACK: Ok, but, they better all be here.
[CAM ESCORTS JACK TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT.]
JACK: Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me? Do you have another man here?
GRACE: [ENTERING] Cam, I can't wait to get my hands on your big, Jack!
JACK: [GASPS] Grace! [TO CAM] You lied! You do have another man here! [TO GRACE] And you, how could you do this to me?
GRACE: Jack, let me explain--
JACK: No! I don't wanna hear it! I'll be leaving now. It looks like I'm the only one around here with any integrity.
CAM: Is that my watch?
JACK: I will not dignify that with a response.
[JACK STORMS OUT.]
SCENE VIII: The Hallway outside Jack's Apartment
(GRACE knocks on Jack's door.)
GRACE: [KNOCKING] Jack, come on. Open up. I know you're home. I can hear your tap shoes.
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR.]
JACK: What do you want? You're interrupting my tech rehearsal. [YELLING INTO THE APARTMENT] Boys and girlie boys, take five.
[JACK SHUTS THE DOOR AND JOINS GRACE IN THE HALLWAY.]
GRACE: Look, I-- I feel terrible. I went there to break it off. And then we started talking, and one thing led to another. Before I knew what was happening, he whipped out his checkbook, and I was showing him my carpet samples.
JACK: Well, you hurt me, G.
GRACE: I know, which is why I ended it... once and for all. I am never seeing him again. Yes, would have been the best job I ever landed. But your friendship means too much to me.
JACK: Hm, Thanks for doing that, G.
[THE DOOR SUDDENLY OPENS AND CAM PEEKS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
CAM: Jack, sweetie, we need you back. That dance captain thinks he's Fosse, but he's just bossy. Hey, Grace.
[CAM SHUTS THE DOOR.]
GRACE: [GASPS] [TO JACK] What?
JACK: Yeah, we're back together.
GRACE: After you guilted me into quitting a job that would have landed me in Architectural Digest doing this? [GRACE HOLDS OUT HER ARMS] I can't believe you did this to me!
[CAM OPENS THE DOOR AND HANDS GRACE A CHECK.]
CAM: Oh, Grace. Here's the advance on your design fee.
GRACE: Thanks, I'll see you Friday.
[CAM SHUTS THE DOOR.]
JACK: [GASPS] You're still working with him?
GRACE: Well, you're still dating him.
JACK: You're a terrible friend!
GRACE: You're a worse friend.
JACK AND GRACE [BOTH]: [SHRUG] Eh. What are you gonna do?
[JACK AND GRACE HUG EACH OTHER.]
SCENE IX: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(WILL is typing on his computer when JASON enters his office. His hair is slicked back and he's wearing a nice suit.)
JASON: What's up, Truman? Ready to throw down?
WILL: Well, look at you. I didn't think OshKosh B'Gosh made power suits.
JASON: You surprised to see me? Karen told me you tried to get me fired. Did I get fired? No.
WILL: Look, JT, I just didn't think you were up to handling Karen's case. Some of these hearings can run past 9:00.
JASON: Ha ha. You don't get it, old man. I've been playing you like Pong. That's a game from your era, isn't it? I've been giving you this whole dumb kid routine, meanwhile you gave me everything I need to win my case.
WILL: So what, this was all an act? How evil! How sneaky! How underhanded! My God, you are a lawyer.
JASON: So, uh, thanks, bud. This surveillance tape's gonna come in real handy when I hand you your balls in court.
[KAREN ENTERS WILL'S OFFICE.]
KAREN: Not so fast, Soupy. The only one handling Will's balls will be Will.
JASON: Yeah, but I can crush his balls.
WILL: Excuse me. They're in the room.
KAREN: [TO JASON] Look, kid, in the last 24 hours, I've thought a lot about this. I've also thought about you plowing Deborah Harry, then me, then back to Deb. And then I thought, Will's my friend, and I'm not gonna let you do anything to hurt his career. So... you're canned, Soup.
JASON: You don't want to make that mistake, baby.
WILL: JT, give us a minute, will you, please. Holler if you hit puberty.
[JASON EXITS TO THE HALLWAY.]
WILL: [TO KAREN] Look, if you're doing this to protect me, don't. I can handle myself. He may be young and pretty, but I am old and irregular, which makes me mean, which makes me a good lawyer.
KAREN: Are you sure, honey? 'Cause I'd hate to see that kid nail you in there... right before he nails me in here.
WILL: Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Besides, you need a good lawyer. There's a lot of money at stake. And I'm not even including the secret bank account that's hidden in the folds of Stan's stomach.
KAREN: You're sweet. You really take good care of me, don't you?
WILL: Despite my better judgment. I'm still gonna kill you, you know.
KAREN: Bring it on, Mary.
[KAREN AND WILL EXIT TO THE HALLWAY]
KAREN: [TO JASON] Hey, Little Man Tate, you're back on.
JASON: For reals? Psych.
[KAREN ENTERS THE CONFERENCE ROOM.]
JASON: [TO WILL] You're going down, pops. P.S., today's soup is cream of I'll kick your ass.
WILL: I hope you know what you're doing. Your childish tricks aren't gonna work in there. You're playing with the grownups now, my friend.
WILL: After you.
[WILL MOTIONS FOR JASON TO ENTER THE CONFERENCE ROOM. AS HE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR, WILL STICKS OUT HIS FOOT AND TRIPS HIM. JT FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE.]
To be continued....
SCENE X: The Fast Food Restaurant
[ROSARIO is sitting alone enjoying a burger and fries. She takes a drink and burps.]