Original Airdate 3/13/2003
Written by Gail Lerner
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Dan Futterman (Barry)
Bruno Campos (Anton)
Steven W. Bailey (Vin)
Katrina Lenk (Marta)
Helen Siff (Josie)
SCENE I: The Hallway Outside Jack's Apartment
(BARRY walks up to Jack's door carrying a bottle of wine.)
[BARRY KNOCKS ON JACK'S DOOR. JACK OPENS THE DOOR.]
JACK: Good evening, Barry, and welcome to your date with Jack.
[JACK PULLS A POLAROID CAMERA FROM BEHIND HIS BACK AND HOLDS IT OUT, TAKING A PICTURE OF HIM AND BARRY.]
JACK: [HANDING THE PICTURE TO BARRY] If it goes well, I'll sign it.
BARRY: Okay. Um, I brought a bottle of wine. It's supposedly the finest cabernet from the New Jersey wine country. Chateau Secaucus.
JACK: Come in.
[BARRY AND JACK ENTER HIS APARTMENT.]
[WILL IMMEDIATELY RUNS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY AND PRESSES HIS EAR UP AGAINST JACK'S DOOR.]
[THE ELEVATOR OPENS AND GRACE STEPS OUT. SHE WALKS TOWARDS WILL'S APARTMENT WHEN SHE NOTICES HIM AT JACK'S DOOR.]
WILL: [NERVOUS] Hey... you. What, w-w-what are you doing here?
GRACE: What? Do I need an excuse to see my favorite man in the whole world?
WILL: [RAISING AN EYEBROW] Leo's out of town, and you're lonely?
GRACE: Yeah, I'm bored. Let's watch the Surgery Channel.
[GRACE ENTERS THE APARTMENT, BUT TURNS AROUND BECAUSE WILL IS STILL AT JACK'S DOOR.]
GRACE: Comin' in?
WILL: I-I-I-in a second.
GRACE: Oh. Right. Go out into the hallway to, uh... relax. You know... so it doesn't cloud the apartment.
WILL: I don't do that.
GRACE: Neither do I. Let's go in.
WILL: W-w-w-- What's the rush?
GRACE: Okay, wait a second. Does Jack have his date with Barry tonight?
WILL: Is that tonight? I don't think that's tonight.
GRACE: Please! You're totally spying on him.
WILL: I am not. What kind of a world do you live in, when the only reason people are in a hallway is to either fart or spy?
GRACE: Well, if you're not spying, then go into your apartment like a normal person.
WILL: Fine. I will.
[WILL ENTERS THE APARTMENT; GRACE REMAINS IN THE HALLWAY, SHIFTING BACK AND FORTH.]
WILL: Aren't you coming?
GRACE: In a second.
WILL: [DISGUSTED] Ugh!
SCENE II: The New York Palace Hotel, Karen's Suite
(ROSARIO is cleaning as KAREN talks on the phone.)
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Hello? Maintenance? This is Mrs. Walker in 5319. Mm-hmm. I'd like to put my drink on the mantel. Could you send someone over to move the fireplace?
[KAREN LAUGHS AND HANGS UP THE PHONE. SHE HOLDS OUT THE PHONE TO ROSARIO.]
KAREN: Here, Rosie, you try one.
ROSARIO: [ANNOYED] You do it. I'm not in the mood.
KAREN: What's the matter, Ro-Ro? You've been kinda grumpy all day. Where's the usual lumber in your step? [KAREN POUTS.]
ROSARIO: It's this new uniform you got me. It's too tight, it's itchy, I can barely breathe.
[ROSARIO TAKES OFF THE APRON.]
KAREN: [KAREN GRABS THE APRON] Why, you ingrate. How dare you complain? When I found you, you were boxing donkeys for money.
ROSARIO: You pulled me out of business school, you tipsy witch. I ain't wearing it.
KAREN: Oh. Why not? Seems perfectly fine to me. Look, I can do everything you do in it.
[KAREN TIES THE APRON AROUND HER WAIST.]
KAREN: I can eat. Ang, ang, ang, ang, ang.
KAREN: And I can sleep. [LOUD SNORE] Cccrrrr.
KAREN: Oh, wait. Watch this. And I can steal.
[KAREN PICKS UP A SILVER TEAPOT AND "SNEAKS" TOWARDS THE DOOR.]
KAREN: Shh. Heh-heh-heh! Shh.
[KAREN OPENS THE DOOR AND "SNEAKS" OUT.]
ROSARIO: Can you walk through doors?
[ROSARIO SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT, LEAVING KAREN LOCKED OUTSIDE IN THE HALLWAY.]
KAREN: Hey. [KAREN POUNDS ON THE DOOR.] Hey, let me in. Let me in.
[KAREN SIGHS AND LEANS AGAINST A MAID'S CART.]
[A HUNKY MAINTENANCE MAN EXITS THE ROOM ACROSS THE HALL AND NOTICES KAREN LEANING ON THE CART.]
ANTON: Hello. I didn't know there was a new maid working on this floor.
KAREN: [OFFENDED] What?!
ANTON: I've never seen someone so beautiful. How long have you been working here?
KAREN: Two weeks.
SCENE III: Jack's Apartment
(JACK and BARRY are sitting on the sofa having a glass of wine.)
JACK: Mm. Mm-hmm, nutty. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oak-y... Mm, with just a hint of embalming fluid.
[WILL SUDDENLY BURSTS IN.]
WILL: Hey, just, uh, taking out the trash. Anybody got any trash in here?
[WILL IS HOLDING OUT HIS HAND, WHICH HAS A SCRAP OF PAPER IN IT.]
JACK: [ANNOYED] Trash? Uh, no, we're good.
WILL: Hey. Where's the chef? I thought you were gonna have a chef cook you dinner.
JACK: Uh, we sent him home. He wasn't attractive.
BARRY: I thought he was really cute.
JACK: That's what I mean. Good-bye.
WILL: Oh, hey, is that salad? God, I'm a fan of salad.
[WILL PICKS UP THE BOWL AND BEGINS PICKING AT THE SALAD AND EATING WITH HIS FINGERS.]
WILL: Mm. Well, what kind of lettuce isn't in this? It's fantastic. What are you guys doin'?
JACK: We're on a date!
WILL: Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing. I-I--please, just d-don't let me interrupt.
[A BELL RINGS.]
JACK: Excuse me.
[JACK GOES INTO THE KITCHEN TO GET SOMETHING OUT OF THE STOVE.]
[WILL QUICKLY SITS DOWN NEXT TO BARRY.]
WILL: [QUIETLY] You wanna go out with me?
BARRY: Uh, kind of already on a date.
WILL: I don't mean now, but how quickly can you wrap things up here?
[JACK ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN HOLDING A METAL TART PAN.]
JACK: Excuse me. Tartlets for two.
[JACK DROPS THE PAN ONTO THE COFFEE TABLE.]
WILL: It's okay, I was just leaving. What do you say?
JACK: [GASPS] Gasp! You just asked him out on a date while he's on a date with me? Will Truman! That is despicable! And totally one of my moves. Out in the hall now!
[JACK GRABS WILL AND DRAGS HIM OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
SCENE IV: The New York Palace Hotel, Karen's Suite
[KAREN ENTERS THE SUITE.]
KAREN: Rosie! I just met the most incredible man.
ROSARIO: Are you sure you just didn't lean into the doorknob again?
ROSARIO: No, no. He's like a dream, like that place I go to to work.
[THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.]
ANTON [VOICE]: Engineering. Here to check the thermostat.
KAREN: Oh, that's him. Rosie, quick! Do I look as bad as you?
ROSARIO: What's going on?
KAREN: Well-- He thinks I'm a maid. You have to pretend you're me.
ROSARIO: Okay, I'll take out my heart and sell my soul to the devil.
KAREN: We don't he time for that. Here, put this on. Hurry, hurry.
[KAREN PICKS UP HER FUR COAT FROM A CHAIR AND GIVES IT TO ROSARIO.]
[ROSARIO PUTS ON THE COAT AND RUBS ITS SOFTNESS.]
ROSARIO: [MOANS] Oh...
[ROSARIO OPENS THE DOOR. ANTON IS WAITING.]
ANTON: Mrs. Walker?
ROSARIO: That's right.
[ROSARIO TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT KAREN, MOUTHING "OOH!" AT HOW CUTE HE IS.]
ANTON: [TO KAREN, SMILING] Hi, there.
KAREN: [SHY] Hi.
ROSARIO: Shut your mouth, maid! My jewelry might fall out.
[ROSARIO EXITS TO THE BACK.]
ANTON: What a monster. Who taught her to talk to another human being like that?
KAREN: [SHRUGS] I have no idea.
ANTON: Of course, you don't. We're different from them, you and I. The rich. They think they're so much better than we are. But we have one thing they'll never have.
ANTON: The true pride that comes of a hard day's work, of having friends, not possessions. Of measuring your accomplishments in love given, not dollars spent.
KAREN: [SMILES AND GIGGLES] Dollars...
ANTON: Will you go out with me tonight?
SCENE V: The Hallway between Will's and Jack's Apartments
(JACK and WILL are talking about Barry.)
WILL: C'mon, d-do you even like him?
JACK: I like how I look when I'm next to him. And he's, he's not as cumbersome as carrying a pomeranian.
WILL: Wow, you've, you've fallen harder than I thought. Look, why don't we just ask Barry who he's more interested in?
JACK: Okay, a-and whoever he says, that's who gets him.
WILL: Okay, fine. Good. Now, this is a very delicate situation. I hope we can handle it with mutual respect and dignity.
JACK: As do I.
[CUT TO INSIDE. BARRY IS WAITING ON THE COUCH. WILL AND JACK ENTER.]
[JACK GRABS WILL'S PANTS FROM BEHIND AND PULLS THEM DOWN TO THE FLOOR, LEAVING HIM IN HIS UNDERWEAR.]
[WILL PULLS HIS PANTS UP AND CHASES JACK INTO THE HALL.]
[THEY BOTH STRUGGLE TO GET INSIDE, TRYING TO LOCK THE OTHER ONE OUT, WHILE BARRY WATCHES.]
BARRY: You know the best part about dating men? A lot more slapstick.
WILL: Okay, Barry, I know this is-- this seems weird, but w-w-we got a problem. See, I, I like you.
JACK: Oh, sure, now that you're hot. But remember when he turned you down before, when you were hideous?
WILL: No. It's just that I--now I've gotten to know you better and I want to spend time with you. I want us to date.
JACK: But you can't date both of us, because we're best friends, and I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with Will, who wears a wig and a truss.
WILL: So who are you gonna choose? Me, who genuinely cares for you a-and really believes that we could make something great?
JACK: Or me.
[JACK PICKS UP A LARGE PEPPER MILL SMILES SUGGESTIVELY.]
WILL: Try that.
[WILL TAKES THE PEPPER MILL AND HANDS JACK A SMALL CORK.]
BARRY: I-I-I don't know what to say. I-I like both you guys, you know, in, in different ways. But I guess if I had to pick one of you, um, I-it would have to be... Will.
JACK: [JUMPS UP] Yes! Yes! What?!
[BARRY SMILES AT WILL.]
SCENE V: The New York Palace Hotel, Maintenance Room
(KAREN and ANTON are talking. KAREN is wearing a maid's outfit. There are other workers and maids in the room.)
ANTON: You're spectacular. I'm the envy of every maintenance man in this hotel. Today... I walk with the pride of a bellman.
[VIN, A WAITER, WHEELS A CART. IT'S STILL HAS FULL PLATES OF FOOD WINE.]
VIN: Would you look at this waste? Jerks in the penthouse ordered all this food and didn't even touch it. You guys want it?
KAREN: [REACHING FOR THE WINE] Oh, yeah--
ANTON: No! We do not need their castoffs.
[ANTON TAKES KAREN ASIDE AND GIVES HER A SANDWICH.]
ANTON: Here. It's humble, but honest.
KAREN: Oh. Thank you. [KAREN TAKES A BITE.] It's thoughtful, but dry.
ANTON: I'll get you some mayo. The mayo of the people.
[ANTON EXITS AND ANOTHER MAID, MARTA, WALKS UP TO KAREN.]
MARTA: I've never seen a maid like you before. Where you from exactly?
KAREN: Oh. I'm from... Margaritaville.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is visiting WILL.)
GRACE: So, you excited about your big date?
WILL: Are you kidding? I'm so confident about this that I've already signed us up for couples counseling.
[JACK ENTERS AND WALKS PAST WILL.]
JACK: [TO WILL] Hello. Nice shirt. Somewhere, a ballerina is shivering.
JACK: [TO GRACE] Hey, Grace. What are you doin' tonight? 'Cause I'm suddenly in the market for a new best friend. Here, let's see if we click. I'll say something witty, and then you say something back. Okay? Let's go. I'm very handsome.
GRACE: Jack, you're acting like a baby.
JACK: Oh, how droll. Let's never be apart.
WILL: You're being ridiculous. Okay, he chose me over you. Do you think that makes me happy? [WILL CHUCKLES]
JACK: Stop smiling. It's unnatural on you. A smile on you is like a nice pair of legs on a chimp.
WILL: C'mon. I don't feel any better about this than you do. [LAUGHING]
JACK: Stop it!
GRACE: Jack, he isn't laughing at you. He's just laughing, with me, at you.
JACK: Well, I'm glad this is amusing both of you. Go on, laugh. Laugh at the sad, gay clown!
[JACK POUTS TOWARDS THE DOOR AND WHEN HE OPENS THE DOOR, BARRY IS THERE.]
JACK: [TO BARRY] I curse your date! A pox on both your entrees. [JACK SPITS AND STORMS OUT.]
BARRY: [TO WILL] Yeah, made the right choice.
SCENE VII: The New York Palace Hotel, Outside Karen's Suite
(GRACE walks up to Karen's door and knocks on the door.)
GRACE: Karen, are you okay? You haven't been to work in three days. Things are really gettin' done. It's freakin' me out. Karen? Hello--
[THE DOOR ACROSS FROM KAREN'S OPENS UP AND A MAID'S CART IS PUSHED OUT, BUMPING INTO GRACE. KAREN IS PUSHING THE CART.]
GRACE: Ow! [SURPRISED] Karen?
KAREN: Just because I'm the new girl, they think they can give me the cart with the bum wheel! [KAREN KICKS THE CART.]
KAREN: And I'm short two shower caps and a sewing kit, and you know that's comin' out of my pay!
[KAREN KNOCKS ON HER SUITE DOOR.]
[KAREN TAKES OUT HER MASTER KEY AND OPENS THE DOOR AND PUSHES THE CART IN.]
GRACE: Okay, here's a personality... I've never met before. Thought I knew all of them. What's your name?
KAREN: Actually, I'm kinda glad you're here. I could use some advice.
[KAREN TAKES A FEATHER DUSTER AND BEGINS TAPPING THE GLASS TABLE WITH THE STICK.]
GRACE: Well, um, first of all... You dust with the feather end, not the stick end.
[GRACE TURNS THE DUSTER AROUND.]
KAREN: Hm. Better. Listen. I have this friend who lives at The Palace Hotel. And she and her maid Ro-- Mosario... switched places so that my friend could pose as a poor, but honest chambermaid to woo a hunky maintenance man. Now my friend's fallen in love with him, and she's afraid that if she tells him the truth, he'll leave her.
[GRACE REACHES FOR SOMETHING ON THE CART.]
KAREN: Hey, hands off my friend's cart!
GRACE: So, you're afraid... that a poor janitor might not love you because you're rich?
KAREN: Not me, my friend!
GRACE: Well, the way I see it is, if the guy really loves her, he'll look past the money and see a pure heart the size of a marble.
KAREN: Yeah. Maybe you're right. Thanks, honey. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to turn down the beds and put a mint on each pi-- Hey, where are my mints?
GRACE: [WITH HER MOUTH FULL] I don't know....
SCENE VIII: A New York City Street
(WILL is at a newstand looking through the magazines when JACK walks by.)
JACK: [LOUDLY] Can someone help this man? I think he's looking for a copy of Boyfriend Stealer Weekly.
WILL: C'mon, Jack. You're not still upset about me and Barry? Okay, I guess I'll just have to stop seeing him. I mean, no guy is worth jeopardizing our friendship.
JACK: Reluctant pivot, inquisitive head tilt. [JACK TURNS AROUND AND TILTS HIS HEAD, LISTENING.]
WILL: I mean, sure, we've had fantastic dates all week, talked and laughed, had feisty debates and comfortable silences, feisty silences and comfortable debates, silently debated the comforts of feistiness, but... if our being together is gonna upset you in any way, I'll give him up.
JACK: Good. I think you should.
WILL: No way! Are you crazy? I'm really into Barry. He's the first guy in a long time I've felt this way about, who's not, you know, an arrow-shooting elf from Lord of the Rings. So just get over it and get happy for me.
JACK: No! If you continue dating Barry, I will never forgive you.
WILL: You look older when you're angry.
JACK: [SMILING] You're a gorgeous couple. When are you seeing him again?
WILL: Tomorrow night. Although, I was, I was kind of thinking of dropping by his place right now and surprising him with, I don't know, Chinese food. You think I should?
JACK: [SMILING] Abs-and-pecks-olutely. It's very romantic. And moo goo gai pan is the food of love.
JACK: Why do you think there's so many Chinese people?
WILL: Thanks, Jack. You're the best.
[WILL HUGS JACK AND THEN WALKS OFF.]
JACK: Ah... Bemused brow raise, shake of head.
[JACK RAISES HIS EYEBROW AND SHAKES HIS HEAD AS WILL WALKS OFF.]
SCENE IX: Barry's Apartment
(WILL knocks on BARRY's door.)
[WILL LEANS IN AND KISSES BARRY ON THE LIPS.]
WILL: Hey, I brought some Chinese food over. I though maybe we could, uh... [LOOKS IN THE BAG] order a pizza.
BARRY: That sounds really nice, but, um... I kind of have plans tonight.
WILL: Oh? Well, what kind of plans?
BARRY: Kind of a date.
WILL: Oh. Okay. Um... Uh, you know wh-- I'm-- Huh-- I'm just gonna say this. I like you, Barry. I-I-I don't wanna date anybody else, and I...I was kinda hoping you didn't want to either.
BARRY: But, you were the one who said I, I should play the field for a while, that I won't know if I met the right guy until I see what's out there.
WILL: You wanna know what's out there? Half a million guys in lycra tank tops going, "Girlfriend!" [WILL SNAPS HIS FINGERS.] Yeah, you could play the field for a while, but what you're eventually gonna find out is that... Well... I'm the right guy. So skip the middle part. Forget the dating around. I'm, I'm mid... to... to early 30...mish. I-I-I-I've done this already.
BARRY: But I haven't.
WILL: Right. [WILL TAKES BARRY'S HAND] So now you don't have to.
BARRY: But I want to.
BARRY: Look, Will, you're great, but I've only been out a month. And I've only been good-looking a week. I need to see what's out there. I wanna do a share on Fire Island. I wanna see Cher in Vegas. I want a, I want a drag name. Something like "Kitty Litter."
WILL: So, y-you... you don't wanna...
BARRY: I'm sorry. Look, um, I-I don't have to leave for a bit. Stay. I'll um, I'll heat up this... [LOOKS IN THE BAG] Order a pizza.
WILL: Yeah, you know, I-I-I should, um, I should go. So, I'll, uh... I'll, I'll see you around.
[WILL EXITS BARRY'S APARTMENT.]
SCENE X: The New York Palace Hotel, Maintenance Room
(KAREN and ANTON are alone.)
ANTON: You're unlike any woman I've ever met. So good, so real.
ANTON: I know it's only been a short while, but I feel as if I know everything there is to know about you.
KAREN: Me too.
ANTON: I love you, Lopita.
[ANTON PASSIONATELY KISSES KAREN.]
KAREN: Wait. No. This isn't right.
ANTON: Or is it the rightest thing ever?
KAREN: No. It's all a lie. I'm not who you think I am. I'm not good or real. I'm evil and imaginary. And I'm rich. Filthy rich!
ANTON: I, I don't understand.
KAREN: I'm not a maid. I'm a snoot, a swell, a fat cat.
[KAREN OPENS HER TOP, EXPOSING HER CLEAVAGE.]
KAREN: Look at these soft, unlined breasts. They've never done an honest day's work in their lives.
ANTON: [MERSMERIZED] I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I've been looking at your breasts.
KAREN: [SIGHS] My name is Karen Walker, and I'm the opposite of everything you stand for. I'm uptown, you're downtown. I'm upstairs, you're downstairs. I'm uppers... I'm downers. Do you think that there's any way that you could ever love someone as rich and powerful as me?
ANTON: [SHRUGS] Sure.
ANTON: Of course. You're my soul mate. I love you, rich or poor.
KAREN: [HAPPY] Oh, darling. I've waited my whole life for this moment.
[KAREN HUGS ANTON.]
KAREN: Let's celebrate. This calls for champagne.
ANTON: I don't drink.
KAREN: It can't work. We're from two different worlds.
[KAREN WALKS OUT.]