Original Airdate 2/20/2003
Written by Alex Herschlag
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Dan Futterman (Barry)
Leslie Jordan (Beverley Leslie)
Kathleen Wilhoite (Sally)
Rebecca Lowman (Pamela)
Barry Karas (Himself)
Luciano Giancarlo (Byron)
Conroe Brooks (Kevin)
SCENE I: A Beauty Salon
(GRACE is sitting in a chair getter her hair cut and styled by her hairdresser, SALLY.)
GRACE: So anyway, when Leo got the call from Doctors Without Borders, he didn't wanna go, but I insisted. And if that makes me a hero, so be it.
SALLY: You're the hero in a lotta your stories.
GRACE: Thank you. So, now he's in Africa-- Oh, you're gonna love this. He was responsible--
[SALLY ROLLS HER EYES AND TURNS ON THE HAIR DRYER. THE HAIR DRYER DROWNS OUT GRACE.]
GRACE: --And it made him insane with malaria. But if I could just get serious for a moment. I really feel like things--
[SALLY PUSHES GRACE FORWARD AND TURNS ON THE HAIR DRYER.]
[CUT TO WILL, SITTING IN THE LOBBY. HE'S ALREADY HAD A HAIRCUT AND IS READING MAGAZINE.]
[JACK COMES RUNNING IN AT TOP SPEED AND RUNS PAST WILL.]
WILL: [TO HIMSELF] Five, four, three, two...
[JACK RUNS BACK IN.]
JACK: Oh, Will, there you are. I'm sorry I'm late. The cast of Urinetown is after me. Simple misunderstanding.
WILL: How's my hair? I told them I wanted it to look "second-day-dirty."
JACK: Delicious, your ears have never looked better.
WILL: Why my ears?
JACK: Learn to take a compliment.
[SALLY THE HAIRDRESSER COMES INTO THE LOBBY FROM THE BACK AND HANDS A PIECE OF PAPER TO THE RECEPTIONIST.]
SALLY: Here's the bill for "Red McChatty" back there. Get the next one shampooed, I'm gonna go out back and smoke whatever's in the bottom of my pocket.
[JACK AND WILL STOP SALLY BEFORE SHE LEAVES.]
JACK: Actually, your next one, Barry, isn't here yet. But we'll be making his decisions for him.
WILL: Yeah, he's 35. He just came out of the closet.
WILL: We've been working with him for the last few weeks to get him ready for the HRC Gala tonight. I hear what you're saying: "Tonight, are you mad? He should've had his hair cut a week ago, it would have time to set, that's Hair 101."
JACK: Yeah, but we had a dilemma. You see, his body was in worse shape than his hair, so we had to send him to a fat farm.
WILL: [CHUCKLES] He thought he was going to a spa. Isn't that great?
SALLY: [TO THE RECEPTIONIST] Why is everyone talking to me today?
JACK: Um... Anyway, this is how we want his hair cut, okay? Chunky, but not too chunky.
WILL: PC, but not too PC.
JACK: And gay, but not too gay.
WILL: Yeah, we want him to be cruised in Chelsea, but not beat up in Brooklyn.
SALLY: Oh, crap, here she comes!
[SALLY RUNS OUT AS GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: [TO WILL AND JACK] Hey. So, how's my hair look?
JACK: Delicious. Your ears have never looked better.
GRACE: Thank you.
[JACK LOOKS AT WILL.]
GRACE: And you two look great. And I'm not saying that just because I feel so good about myself right now.
WILL: Well, you know, it's a big night. Every a-list gay will be there.
JACK: You know, the creme de la creme of the creme de la femme. And I am not leaving that benefit until I get serious with at least five guys.
WILL: Hey... Hey, the Human Rights Campaign is not some silly dating service. It's an essential advocacy group for gay and lesbian issues. How did that sound? Too smart to land a hot dumb guy?
[CUT TO THE BACK. KAREN IS GETTING HER NAILS MANICURED.]
KAREN: Careful with those tips, I want them nice and pointy in case I have to stab someone in the neck.
[THE CHAIR NEXT TO KAREN'S TURNS. IT'S KAREN'S FRIEND AND RIVAL, BEVERLEY LESLIE.]
BEVERLEY: My, my, my, my, my. If it isn't my dear friend, Karen Walker. So nice to see you.
KAREN: Why, Beverley Leslie, if you'd sit on a phone book, it'd be nice to see you too.
[KAREN AND BEVERLEY GIVE EACH OTHER AN AIR KISS TO EACH CHEEK.]
KAREN: Oh, honey, I haven't had a chance to tell you how sorry it was to hear about your poor wife, Crystal. Is she any better?
BEVERLEY: Well, it was a dicey, experimental surgery. But those Dominican doctors said if she wanted to look 70 again, she'd just have to try it.
KAREN: And yet, she lived through it. You must have been devastated.
BEVERLEY: Oh, I'll survive. But poor you... Your husband, Stanley Walker, dumps you for a younger hootchie mama who serves soft potatoes. He went from smashed to mashed. I have to laugh to keep from crying.
[BEVERLEY LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY. KAREN POKES HIM WITH HER FINGERNAIL.]
[KAREN LOOKS AT HER FINGERNAILS AND SMILES.]
[CUT TO THE LOBBY. WILL AND JACK ARE WAITING. BARRY QUICKLY ENTERS, TOTALLY FRAZZLED.]
BARRY: Will, Jack, this whole day has been a disaster. D. I. Saster. The plane from the S & M camp you call a spa took off a half-hour late. So what do I do? I eat a muffin. Sure, I spit most of it into a trash can like they taught me, but, I accidentally swallowed a few crumbs, and god help me... maybe a nut. Now I'm late.
[BARRY HURRIES TOWARDS THE BACK, BUT SEES HIMSELF IN A MIRROR.]
BARRY: Oh! I look awful! My hair is never gonna look good. It's stringy and ugly, and I'm fat!
[BARRY EXITS TO THE BACK.]
JACK: Yikes, that was a little much.
WILL: [SCOFFS] What a drama queen.
WILL: Our little boy's growing up.
JACK: I'm so proud.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment, Will's Bedroom
(WILL is sitting on his bed, talking to Barry on the phone.)
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Barry, it's okay you didn't like Broken Hearts Club or Kiss Me, Guido. Let me tell you a little secret, that we try to keep within the community. Gay movies suck. But, until the laws change, we're still obligated to go see 'em.
GRACE: [VOICE FROM THE LIVING ROOM] Will?
WILL: [CALLING TO GRACE] In here!
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Look, don't sweat it. Call me anytime. I'll see you tonight.
[WILL HANGS UP THE PHONE AS GRACE ENTERS THE BEDROOM, CARRYING A GARMENT BAG.]
WILL: Okay, huge news...huge! Barry has decided to shave his beard.
GRACE: [SHRUGGING] That's it?
WILL: Are you kidding? His beard is his last connection to his closeted life.
GRACE: Well, unless he's gonna shave it off with his feet, I still don't see the bigness.
WILL: Trust me, this is a huge event in his life. And it should be marked in some meaningful way. Damn, I wish there was time to bake peanut butter cookies.
GRACE: Can we change the subject to something important? What am I wearing to this party tonight? Okay, dressing for these things, it's always a fine line. How do I turn on the gay guys without arousing the lesbians?
WILL: [CHUCKLES] Heh. Barry's got a new tux. He didn't want me to see it until tonight... Wanted to surprise me. Isn't that adorable?
GRACE: [DISMISSIVE] Yeah, cute as a box of babies.
[GRACE PULLS OUT FOUR DRESSES FROM THE GARMENT BAG AND LAYS THEM ON THE BED.]
GRACE: Okay, this one's slitty. This one's slutty. This one's titty. This one's butty. Okay, here's some accessories and lingerie. Mix and match, enjoy. [GRACE SITS ON THE BED AND SIGHS.]
WILL: Oh... [WILL CHUCKLES]
GRACE: [SIGHS] What?
WILL: This is gonna kill you.
GRACE: I doubt it.
WILL: Barry went to Barney's to pick out his first gym bag. Can you imagine what that was like?
GRACE: I can... And it's not very interesting. Man, the way you're going on about him, it's like you-- [GASPS] You like him.
WILL: What?! Barry? Come on, Barry's not my type.
GRACE: Don't give me that. I know all the signs. You talk about him constantly. You wanna bake cookies for him. Your face lights up with a huge grin every time his name is mentioned.
WILL: No, it doesn't.
[WILL CHUCKLES AND SMILES.]
[GRACE GASPS AND POINTS AT WILL.]
SCENE III: The Human Rights Campaign Gala, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel
(WILL is already at the gala. The room is filled with men and women.)
[GRACE ENTERS THE ROOM AND SEES THE SMALL STAIRCASE, LEADING ONTO THE FLOOR.]
GRACE: [WHINING] Oh, for crying out loud, this is ridiculous. I just walked up a flight of stairs. [SIGHS] What, did they put this here just so that the queens could make an entrance?
[GRACE SIGHS AND PLODS DOWN THE STAIRS TO WILL.]
WILL: No...! [QUIETLY] And don't talk like that. This organization is dedicated to breaking down those kind of stereotypes.
[JACK ENTERS AND POSES AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.]
JACK: [LOUDLY] Hello, girls! Dolly's back in town.
[JACK DRAMATICALLY DESCENDS THE STAIRCASE.]
[JACK WALKS PAST WILL AND GRACE.]
JACK: I'm a-go working....
GRACE: Somewhere, Rip Taylor is saying, "Now, that's faggy." [TO WILL] So whatcha doin'? Waitin' for your date?
WILL: Barry is not my date.
GRACE: Yet, you admit you love him.
WILL: If I care for him, it is only in the way that a mentor cares for his student. You know, the way-- the way, in My Fair Lady, Henry Higgins cared for Eliza Doolittle.
GRACE: Henry Higgins loved Eliza. He grew accustomed to her face. That's love.
WILL: Oh, please, if there was any love in that story, it was between Higgins and Pickering.
GRACE: You're nuts.
WILL: Two confirmed bachelors in their late fifties whose idea of a good time is dressing Audrey Hepburn in fabulous Edith Head outfits? Oh, they were gay, my friend. [CHUCKLING] They were gay.
[KAREN ENTERS AND STOPS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.]
KAREN: Ladies, gentlemen, and undecided... I'd like you to meet someone. He's been plucked, coiffed, buffed, and fluffed. May I present to you... My cousin Barry!
[KAREN MOTIONS AND HOLDS OUT HER ARM TO THE LEFT OF THE STAGE. BARRY ENTERS IN FROM THE RIGHT. HE LOOKS VERY HANDSOME IN HIS TUXEDO.]
GRACE: Wow, he's hot!
JACK: The final test, Grace finds him attractive. He's gay, all right.
[LATER. BARRY AND JACK AND STANDING AROUND HAVING A DRINK.]
BARRY: Where's Will? I haven't seen him all night.
JACK: Oh, you know... Will likes to do his own thing at these events. He's probably sucking down ten crab cakes before he makes a desperate move on some ugly waiter.
[A CUTE GUY WALKS UP TO BARRY.]
BYRON: Hi. I'm Byron--
JACK: [INTERRUPTING] Ah, sorry! He's not interested. Move along. Buh-bye, Byron. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.
[BYRON WALKS OFF.]
BARRY: Why did you do that? He seemed great.
JACK: You just rejected one of the hottest guys here. Everyone will be talking about it. Look around. Your mystique level just went up, like, 158 points.
BARRY: Wow, 42 more, I can upgrade to business gay. [CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF] Heh-heh.
JACK: Funny. But when you say something witty at a party, you should always appear bored, take a sip of your drink, and look away. That way, it'll seem like it happens all the time. Okay? Par example: [CLEARS THROAT] Though two rights might make a wrong, a rolling butt gathers no moss.
[JACK SIGHS, TAKES A DRINK, AND LOOKS AWAY.]
BARRY: I see... But that wasn't really a joke, was it? It was pretty much just a random selection of words.
JACK: Exactly... My four-fingered friend. [JACK SIGHS, TAKES A DRINK, AND LOOKS AWAY.]
[WILL WALKS UP TO BARRY AND JACK.]
WILL: Hey, some party, huh? I just saw two guys meet, marry, split up, and then get back together again for the sake of the Eames furniture.
BARRY: It's amazing, I've never seen so many good-looking guys in one room.
JACK: Hey! You can include yourself in that, mister.
JACK: Doesn't he look good, Will?
WILL: Yeah, he--he looks great.
JACK: Yeah. Check out his pecs.
[JACK GRABS AT BARRY'S CHEST.]
JACK: It's like he's got a granite bra on. Come on, feel 'em.
BARRY: Come on, Will, objectify me.
WILL: [NERVOUS] No... I-I-I got crab cake on my fingers. I-I need to get a-a-a... crab cake... removal... system. [UNDER HIS BREATH AS HE WALKS OFF] Oy.
[CUT TO THE SILENT AUCTION ROOM. PAMELA IS OVERSEEING THE SILENT AUCTION WHEN KAREN ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND.]
KAREN: [TO PAMELA] There's some cute guys here, huh? Too bad they're all 'mos. Ha ha ha...
PAMELA: It doesn't really matter to me, I'm a lesbian.
KAREN: Oh... [GIGGLES] Honey, we're all lesbians when the right guy isn't around, huh?
[KAREN LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM.]Now, I wanna buy a little somethin' for my Jackie. Somethin' shiny... but non-toxic, 'cause you know it's just gonna end up in his mouth.
PAMELA: You don't buy things. It's a silent auction. You write down your bid. We'll announce the winners at the end of the night, and the money goes to help enact hate-crime laws and battle prejudice.
KAREN: [LAUGHS] Oh... And they say lesbians aren't funny.
[PAMELA TOUCHES KAREN'S ARM AND SHOWS HER A CLIPBOARD.]
PAMELA: Here's an exciting item, uh... a gourmet chef comes to your house and prepares a romantic dinner for two.
[KAREN REMOVES PAMELA'S HAND FROM HER ARM.]
KAREN: Yeah, I hear ya loud and clear, coach. But, uh, I just got out of a relationship, and I think it's a little early, okay? But I think Jackie might like it. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
[KAREN TAKES A PEN AND PUTS DOWN A BID.]
[BEVERLEY ENTERS THE ROOM.]
BEVERLEY: Not so fast. I want that dinner too.
KAREN: Well, what are you doing here, you frosted mini-wheat?
BEVERLEY: Now, you know, the plight of the homosexual is a cause dear to my wife Crystal's heart. So I plan on taking her money and purchasing that dinner for me and my business associate, Benji.
[BEVERLEY MOTIONS TO HIS "ASSOCIATE" BENJI--A TALL, YOUNG, HANDSOME BLACK MAN. BENJI GIGGLES AND WAVES TO KAREN. BEVERLEY SMILES.]
[CUT TO THE BALLROOM. GRACE WALKS UP TO WILL, WHO'S STANDING BY HIMSELF POUTING.]
GRACE: Oh, I love gay events. Just got my eyebrows waxed in the men's room. Meanwhile, in the ladies room, I learned how to rewire a lamp. What's with the puss?
WILL: How could you do this to me? Why would you tell me that I like Barry?
GRACE: Because you do like him.
WILL: That's not the point. I was perfectly happy not knowing how I felt. Now I feel all--all raw and self-conscious, like--like a stewardess without makeup. Thanks a lot, Grace.
GRACE: Stop it. You always do this. Instead of allowing yourself to feel-- Oh, I don't know, excited or happy or vulnerable, you just go straight to anger.
WILL: No, I don't.
GRACE: Oh, really? How do you feel about the ending of Titanic?
WILL: [ANGRILY] Oh, that was just stupid! Of course they hit an iceberg! Two guys in the crow's nest, a ship that big?!
GRACE: Come on, Will, it's okay. You can like him.
WILL: I do. I like him so much. Look at him.
[WILL AND GRACE LOOK OVER AT BARRY. HE'S SURROUNDED BY JACK AND A BUNCH OF GUYS. THEY'RE ALL LAUGHING. BARRY SIGHS, TAKES A DRINK, AND TURNS HIS HEAD AWAY.]
GRACE: Ask him out.
WILL: Nah, nah, I don't know...
GRACE: Okay, you listen to me. You are a gorgeous man, who is smart, sexy, and kind.
WILL: Wow... How many deviled eggs did you have?
GRACE: Okay, just go up to him, and talk to him, and say what you feel. He'd be so lucky to have you.
WILL: I will. I will. I-I-I gotta go to the men's room. My eyebrows are too bushy. Thanks, sweetie.
[GRACE LEANS IN TO KISS WILL.]
WILL: [HOLDING HIS HAND UP TO HER FACE] Yeah, that's okay.
[BEVERLEY PUTS DOWN A BID ON THE CLIPBOARD.]
[KAREN RUNS UP BEHIND HIM AND QUICKLY WRITES A BID DOWN AND WALKS AWAY.]
[BEVERLEY RUNS IN A PUTS IN A BID.]
[KAREN RUNS UP AND THE TWO BEGIN PULLING AT THE CLIPBOARD.]
BEVERLEY: That dinner is mine, you sad, pickled woman!
KAREN: It's mine, Baby Gap!
[BEVERLEY GETS THE CLIPBOARD AND WRITES IN A BID.]
BEVERLEY: All right! Top that... Mrs. Walker.
KAREN: I can't. Since Stan left me, I can't throw around money with the same ease that I can throw around you. I'm out, you happy now?
BEVERLEY: Oh! What kind of human being would I be if I couldn't ring joy from a dear friend's misery? [LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY.] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
KAREN: Well...enjoy your dinner. You're short.
[KAREN TURNS ON HER HEELS AND WALKS OUT, HEAD HELD HIGH.]
[CUT TO WILL AND JACK LOOKING AT BARRY TALKING TO A GUY.]
JACK: [WHISPERING] Will. Will, look at our boy. Isn't he doing great? I'm so proud of us. We should win an award.
WILL: I don't think they give out awards for helping people be gay. Well... unless you count the Tonys.
JACK: Look, I gotta go to the little boys room. My hose is riding up.
WILL: You're wearing pantyhose?
JACK: No. [POINTING AT BARRY] Come on. You go-- Go keep an eye on Barry. He doesn't understand how predatory some of these guys can be.
[JACK NOTICES A GUY.]
JACK: Ooh, excuse me. I see a defenseless queerling who's wandered away from the flock.
[JACK WALKS OFF FLAPPING HIS ARMS.]
[GRACE WALKS UP TO WILL.]
GRACE: Why haven't you talked to him yet?
WILL: I'm intimidated, okay? It's like I've-- I've created a guy that's too hot for me to date. It's the same reason Dr. Frankenstein didn't date his monster.
GRACE: What? Dr. Frankenstein wasn't a homo.
WILL: Oh, really? He sewed together a bunch of guys to create the perfect man? Wrapped him in linen. Give him a flat head, so you can set a drink on it. Dr. Frank was a 'mo, my friend. [CHUCKLING] He was a 'mo.
[GRACE BREATHES IN WILL'S FACE.]
[WILL WALKS TOWARDS BARRY, WHO TURNS AROUND AND BUMPS INTO HIM.]
WILL: Oh, hey. Barry, I-I...
BARRY: Will, you've gotta help keep me away from that auction table. I'm bidding on things I don't even want.
WILL: I know. I'm up to $300 on lunch and a steam with Jerry Orbach.
[BARRY NODS TO A CUTE GUY PASSING HIM.]
BARRY: [TO THE GUY] Hey.
BARRY: [TO WILL] Wow, that guy's been checking me out all night.
WILL: He's not right for you!
BARRY: Why? Oh, right. Jack's rule: Never date someone white after labor day. I'm gonna go over there.
WILL: Yeah, you know, but-- But Barry, don't, um... Don't listen to his rules, okay. They're stupid. Except for that one about waiting half an hour after eating before dating a lifeguard. But, you know... wh-when the right guy is there, you'll know it.
BARRY: I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm never gonna find him.
WILL: You will. He may even be closer than you think. In fact, um... Barry, there's something that I've been meaning to--
BARRY KARAS: Okay, everybody, listen up. The silent auction is now officially closed. Congratulations, we've raised more money here tonight than we ever have before.
PAMELA: We'll start by announcing our first item: A romantic dinner for two, cooked in your very own home.
BARRY KARAS: And the winner is... Karen Walker.
BEVERLEY: Wait, wait. Ho, whoa, what? No! No, no, that's impossible! I was the highest bidder.
KAREN: You're not the highest anything! I switched the books on you. Yeah. You've just spent a ton of Crystal's money on two front row tickets to see the Indigo Girls. [GIGGLES]
BEVERLEY: [CRYING] Benji! Benji!
[BEVERLEY RUNS TO BENJI AND BENJI HUGS HIM.]
[KAREN WALKS UP TO THE STAGE.]
KAREN: Thank you. Thank you. Gays rule! And to show my appreciation, I would like to give my romantic dinner to my best gal pal, Jack McFarland, to share with whoever he wants.
JACK: What?! What? I won! I won! I won!
[JACK RUNS ONTO THE STAGE.]
JACK: Thank you, Karen!
[JACK AND KAREN HUG AND WAG THEIR TOUNGES AT EACH OTHER AS IF FRENCH KISSING: La-la-la-la-la!]
JACK: Now, I know the question that's on everybody's lips. Who will I be sharing this dinner with? Who?
[JACK TAKES THE MICROPHONE AND WALKS INTO THE CROWD.]
JACK: Who, you? No. Who? Who? Who...
WILL: [TO BARRY] Anyway, wh-where was I? I-I--you know what, I'm just gonna come right out and say it. Barry...
JACK: Would you go out--
WILL: Would you go out with me?
WILL: You? Him?
BARRY: I can't believe you're asking me. Yeah, of course I would go out with you. [TO WILL] Wow, it's just like you said, maybe the right guy was closer than I thought.
[JACK AND BARRY WALK OFF WITH THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER. KAREN WATCHES, SMILING, AS THEY WALK OFF. GRACE PUTS HER ARM AROUND WILL TO COMFORT HIM.]
GRACE: And then, we got married. It was like a fairy tale. And on the first night of our honeymoon, he said something to me that I have never told anyone. You're gonna love this--
[THE BARTENDER SIGHS AND TURNS ON THE BLENDER. IT DROWNS OUT GRACE, WHO KEEPS TALKING AND MOVING HER HANDS AROUND.]
[THE BARTENDER TURNS OFF THE BLENDER.]
GRACE: --was Jewish.