Original Airdate 12/5/2002
Written by Sally Bradford
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Elton John (Himself)
Lance Roberts (Waiter #1)
Wells Rosales (Waiter #2)
Kathleen Archer (UPS Woman)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(JACK and KAREN are sitting on the couch; WILL is sitting at the table while GRACE talks to her newlywed husband Leo on the phone.)
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Ok, husband, I'll be right down. Oh, Leo. I'm so excited. Tonight I'm gonna sleep with a married man. [BEAT] Okay, you can watch. Heh heh heh.
[GRACE HANGS UP.]
GRACE: [GIGGLING] Whee! Going on my honeymoon.
WILL: I'm happy for you. I've also narrowed down what I'm gonna turn your room into. It's either gonna be a home office, a gym, or a gift-wrapping room, like Candy Spelling has. Ah, who am I kidding? The bows and ribbons arrive tomorrow.
JACK: [WHINING] This sucks. How come Grace gets to go to the Caribbean, and I don't?
KAREN: Trust me, poodle. You don't wanna go. [SIGHS] Two Jews on a beach? It's gonna be a week of hunting for the highest SPF at the lowest price.
GRACE: You guys gonna miss me?
WILL: [ENTHUSIASTIC, OVERLAPPING] Like you even have to ask!
KAREN: [ENTHUSIASTIC, OVERLAPPING] Of course we're gonna miss you, crazy!
JACK: [ENTHUSIASTIC, OVERLAPPING] Hello! Go on, get out!
GRACE: 'Kay. See you in a week.
[GRACE PICKS UP HER SUITCASE AND EXITS.]
[WILL, JACK, AND KAREN SIGH.]
JACK: [SADLY] Wow. She's really gone.
WILL: [SADLY] I miss her already.
KAREN: [SADLY] I'm sad.
JACK: New gay bar on 72nd Street!
WILL: Let's go!
KAREN: Right behind ya!
[WILL LEADS KAREN AND JACK, AS THEY DANCE OUT THE DOOR.]
WILL: Get down, get down.
JACK: Wee, wee!
WILL: Get down, get down.
JACK: Ooh, ooh!
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL and JACK exit Grace's old bedroom, each carrying a gift.)
JACK: That gift-wrapping room's like the best thing ever.
WILL: I don't know how I existed without it. I was always losing the scissors and spreading the wrapping paper out on the floor like an animal.
JACK: Yeah. Okay--And exchange.
[WILL AND JACK EXCHANGE GIFTS.]
JACK: And open.
[WILL AND JACK OPEN THEIR PACKAGES.]
JACK: Oh, my God! Smart Start!
WILL: And milk. Always the perfect gift.
[WILL AND JACK GIVE EACH OTHER A QUICK PECK ON THE LIPS.]
[THEY SIT DOWN AND FIX THEMSELVES A BOWL OF CEREAL.]
JACK: It's so much more fun eating breakfast this way.
WILL: I know. Hurry up, we've only got two hours to gift wrap lunch.
JACK: Um, sweetheart?
WILL: Yes, bunny?
JACK: I think I'm gonna need my allowance a little early this week.
WILL: Well, I thought you were doing well teaching your acting class.
JACK: 'Twas. But, um, I had to kick a student out. Yeah. Phillip wasn't willing to do what it takes to become a great actor.
WILL: He wouldn't make out with you?
JACK: All I wanted was a little Mr. French! He got all crazy when I told him. Started hissing and spraying everywhere. He even told me he was gonna sic the gay mafia on me. Heh heh heh.
WILL: Right, the gay mafia. Or as I like to call it, really organized crime.
JACK: Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Yeah, what are they gonna do? Measure me for concrete sneaker clogs?
WILL: They gonna make you a coiffure you can't refuse?
JACK: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha-- I don't get that one.
KAREN: Hey, Sam. Hey, Diane.
JACK: Hey, someone's got a little spring in their step. You just get a bikini wax?
KAREN: I don't know. People were moving around down there-- I assume something was getting done.
WILL: Funny, Jack said the same thing about his last dentist appointment.
[KAREN SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH JACK AND WILL.]
KAREN: Ah... listen, kids. I need your help. I'm in a little bit of a pickle. You know how I'm into Aerosmith, right?
[WILL AND JACK LOOK AT EACH OTHER CONFUSED.]
JACK: [SHRUGS] Yeah.
WILL: [SHRUGS] Sure, go ahead.
KAREN: I went to see 'em play at Madison Square Garden and invited 'em back to my suite at the Palace Hotel to party with me.
KAREN: No, Madison Square Garden. Anyhoo-- Some things may have... been set on fire. A bellboy may have been stripped and shaved. A young girl may have become a mother. Bottom line... They kicked me out. And no hotel in New York will have me. And I need a place to stay. A-ha-ha-ha!
JACK: Well, you know, I'd let you bunk with me, but they're gonna be shooting "Sex and the City" in my apartment all week! Yeah, in fact, I gotta go baby-proof it. In case Sarah Jessica brings little James Wilke Jessica Broderick Parker.
KAREN: So, I guess that leaves--
WILL: No, no, no. No, you cannot stay here. Why don't you move in with one of your hallucinations?
KAREN: All right, okay. I see what this is gonna take.
[KAREN UNBUTTONS HER TOP AND BEGINS SHIMMYING HER BREASTS AT WILL.]
KAREN: Ooh, yeah. It's good to be bad, isn't it, daddy? Whoo!
WILL: Karen, I'd ha-- What-- Okay, all right, all right. Stop it! You can stay here--
WILL: But just till we work things out with the Palace.
WILL: I don't know if you hypnotized me with those things or what, but I'm not afraid of flying anymore.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(WILL is sitting at the dining room table working when KAREN enters from her bedroom.)
KAREN: Hey. [WHISTLES "Yoo-Hoo"] What time does the gal come by to turn down the bed?
WILL: Karen, this is not a hotel. No one will be turning your bed down. And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't keep filling up my answering machine with complaints about room service.
KAREN: Well, since you bring it up, when I checked in, the soaps had all been opened, and the shower cap had been used.
WILL: Karen, I am trying to catch up on some work here. Okay? I've got an SEC filing that's months overdue, a product liability case that's going to trial, and, most importantly of all, the firm's annual potluck dinner is coming up, and I don't want three people bringing salads, like last year's fiasco.
KAREN: Okay, okay. Fine, I'll leave you alone.
[KAREN WALKS OVER TO THE STEREO AND TURNS IT ON. "IT'S NOT UNUSUAL" BY TOM JONES BEGINS PLAYING LOUDLY. KAREN BEGINS SWAYING AND SNAPPING HER FINGERS, SINGING ALONG QUITE LOUDLY.]
KAREN: [LOUDLY SINGING] It's not unusual to be loved by anyone. It's not unusual to be loved by...
WILL: Karen! Quiet!
[WILL RUNS AND TURNS OFF THE STEREO.]
KAREN: Jeez Louise! It's just a little top 40.
WILL: Well, if you must do that, put the headphones on.
KAREN: Oh, fun.
[WILL SITS BACK DOWN.]
[KAREN PUTS ON THE HEADPHONES AND TURNS THE MUSIC BACK ON.]
KAREN: [SINGING LOUDLY] If you ever want to be loved by anyone.
KAREN: [SINGING LOUDLY WHILE GRINDING ON THE BOOKCASE] It's not unusual, it happens every day. No matter what you say, you see it happens all the--
[WILL IS PACKING UP HIS STUFF AND IS LEAVING.]
KAREN: Where you going? I'm just about at the bridge.
WILL: I can't believe I sacrificed my gift-wrapping room for you. And right around the holidays!
[WILL EXITS INTO THE HALLWAY, SLAMMING THE DOOR.]
[AS WILL EXITS INTO THE HALLWAY, JACK EXITS HIS APARTMENT. HE'S WEARING A FEDORA HAT ON HIS HEAD.]
JACK: Morning, morning, morning. Remember we were making those jokes about the gay mafia? I think it's for real.
WILL: Of course it is. I'm sure some gay guy's getting whacked as we speak.
JACK: This is serious. I think that guy I kicked out of my acting class sent them after me. I mean, look at this.
[JACK TAKES OFF HIS HAT.]
WILL: That's awful. What am I looking at?
JACK: [POINTING TO HIS HAIR] Hello?! Dry, unmanageable hair.
JACK: [QUICKLY AND PANICKED] I just got back from the salon, the center of gay culture. The shampoo boy said he was gonna put conditioner in, but I think he just went like this-- Pbllt, pbllt. [JACK MAKES A SQUIRTING MATION IN HIS HAIR.] Nothing.
WILL: Well, that's all the proof I need.
JACK: [PANICKED] And check this out, check this out. "Sex and the City," supposed to shoot all week in my apartment? Then for no reason-- [SNAPS HIS FINGERS] They pulled out.
WILL: What does that have to do with anyth--
JACK: Do I have to spell it out? "Sex and the City," HBO, H-O-M-O. What do I do, Will? What do I do?!
WILL: Okay, here's the plan. Call Dorothy, tell her to meet you at the Yellow Brick Road. [JACK NODS]
WILL: When you get to the end of the road, you'll see a man. Ask him for a brain.
[THE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES AND JACK RUNS OFF TO THE STAIRWELL.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment Building
(A week later. GRACE is back and she and WILL are riding up the elevator to his apartment.)
GRACE: Oh, Will, you would have loved this hotel. They had parasailing and scuba diving. You could go in a Jeep and scour cave walls for markings made by the indigenous peoples.
WILL: Cool. What did you do?
GRACE: There was a bar in the pool. I swear, swimming any other way than drunk is just stupid. Oh, and the sunsets. Amazing. I took, like, seven rolls of film just on that. You know, let's open up a bottle of wine and I'll walk you through 'em. [GRACE PULLS OUT ENVELOPES OF PICTURES FROM HER PURSE.]
WILL: Hey, you open the wine, I'll open the oven door and climb in.
[JACK EXITS HIS APARTMENT. HE'S FREAKED OUT.]
JACK: [GASPS] Hi, are you alone? Did anybody follow you up here?
GRACE: Uh, how about, "Welcome back from your honeymoon"?
JACK: Yeah, whatever, who cares. Listen, I got bigger problems, all right? The gay mafia's put a hit out on me.
WILL: What is a gay hit? "It's Raining Men"?
JACK: This is serious! They're everywhere. They control everything. Who do you think prevented that 'NSync guy from going into space? [RUNS PANICKED BACK INTO HIS APARTMENT] I gotta go.I gotta go.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR TO HIS APARTMENT. IT'S A COMPLETE MESS. KAREN IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH'S BACK CUSHIONS.]
[TOM JONES IS LOUDLY PLAYING ON THE STEREO, BUT THE CD IS SKIPPING.]
TOM JONES: "It's not unusua-- it's not unusua-- It's not unusua-- it's not unusua-- It's not--"
[WILL TURNS THE MUSIC OFF.]
GRACE: Well, this is unusual.
WILL: What the hell happened here?! Karen?!
KAREN: [SITTING UP] Grace Adler Designs.
WILL: I don't remember giving permission for a party!
KAREN: It wasn't a party. You guys know how I'm into gangsta rap, right?
WILL: Sure, go on.
KAREN: All I did was invite Ol' Dirty Bastard over to watch Masterpiece Theatre. [SIGHS] And he brought along his whole posse. And some bomb-ass chronic. Heh-heh!
WILL: Would you look at this place? These cushions are ruined. There's beer rings all over the coffee table. [PICKS UP A PEN FROM THE COFFEE TABLE.] Great, they broke my novelty pen from last year's Gay Games. Now when you turn it, the high-diver's Speedo doesn't come off. What am supposed to do with this pen now?
KAREN: I have a suggestion.
WILL: I heard that!
GRACE: All right, calm down.
WILL: Hey! Don't you tell me to calm down!
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Hey, can we please not do this in front of the D-R-U-N-K?
KAREN: Can I have my martini now?
WILL: No! No dessert!
GRACE: Will, she's hungry.
WILL: Tough! She's gotta learn that there are consequences to her actions! [TO KAREN] So you are gonna sit there, on this couch, and look at Grace's honeymoon pictures!
KAREN: I hate you!
[GRACE SITS DOWN NEXT TO KAREN AND OPENS UP THE PICTURES.]
GRACE: Roll one. My luggage.
[KAREN GASPS AND BEGINS CRYING.]
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is showing the UPS WOMAN her pictures...)
GRACE: Which brings us to roll three. Getting kicked out of the first class lounge.
[KAREN ENTERS CARRYING A SUITCASE AND A GARMENT BAG.]
KAREN: Oh. Hey, Grace. Hey, Leo.
KAREN: [TO THE UPS WOMAN] Listen, you mind if I talk to your wife alone for a minute?
UPS WOMAN: You come to Long Island, you can talk to her any time you like.
[THE UPS WOMAN EXITS.]
GRACE: Hey, Kare, what's up with all the luggage?
KAREN: Oh, nothing, honey. I just came by to look at all of your honeymoon pictures. [KAREN WINCES.]
GRACE: Okay, now I know something's wrong. What happened?
KAREN: Honey, I don't wanna live with Will anymore.
KAREN: He has no sense of humor. He didn't laugh at all when that M-80 went off in his toilet.
GRACE: Well, he can get like that. So, what are you gonna do?
KAREN: Oh, no problem. I'm just gonna move in with you.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL is cooking in the kitchen when GRACE knocks. GRACE enters, holding KAREN's hand, leading her into the apartment.)
GRACE: Hey. Look what showed up on my doorstep.
WILL: Was she in a basket with a note pinned to her that said, "Please take care of my baby. Love, Lucifer"?
GRACE: We've got a problem. She needs a place to stay.
WILL: Well, why can't she stay with you and Leo?
GRACE: Come on, we're newlyweds. We wanna be able to have sex without someone in the background giggling.
KAREN: Honey, I won't giggle if you don't make that face you make.
[GRACE JOINS WILL IN THE KITCHEN.
GRACE: [QUETLY] Will, come on. Come on, she's in a really bad way. You have to take her.
WILL: [QUIETLY] I don't want her.
GRACE: Neither do I.
WILL: What are we gonna do? We can't just drive her out to the country and release her back into the wild.
GRACE: Or can't we? Just think about it. We can lure her into a cage with a Vicodin tied to the end of a little piece of string.
WILL: If her friends ask, we just say, "We took her to farm where she can run free and have waiters fired." [WILL AND GRACE BOTH LAUGH.]
GRACE: Come on, let's get serious. Where's she gonna go?
WILL: Where did she go?
[KAREN IS GONE.]
SCENE VII: A Hotel Bar
(WILL, GRACE, and ROSARIO are searching for Karen.)
WILL: [SIGHS] This is crazy. We're not gonna find Karen. She could be anywhere. She's got four fake passports and a map of the underworld.
GRACE: We've gotta keep looking for her. She's out there all alone. The city's full of criminals and murderers. She could... hurt one of them.
WILL: Maybe we should call the police.
ROSARIO: No. No cops.
GRACE: But she's in a bad place. We can't find her--
[ROSARIO GRABS GRACE BY THE COAT AND PULLS HER UP.]
ROSARIO: I said no cops!
[ROSARIO LETS GRACE GO.]
ROSARIO: I'm gonna go ask around, see if anyone's seen her. Keep it on the down-low.
WILL: Come on. Let's get a drink.
GRACE: Make it a double. We wanna catch Karen, we've gotta drink like her.
[WILL AND GRACE WALK UP TO THE BAR. THERE IS A MAN SITTING AT THE BAR.]
WILL: Could you pass those nuts?
[THE MAN TURNS AROUND AND PUSHES THE BOWL TO WILL. IT'S JACK. HE'S DISGUISED IN DARK SUNGLASSES AND HAS A THIN MUSTACHE.]
JACK: No problem.
[JACK TURNS BACK AROUND.]
JACK: [SHAKING HIS HEAD] Sorry, nope. [TURNS BACK AROUND.]
GRACE: Jack, we know it's you.
JACK: No, it is not me! My name is Claude Remains. I have dark glasses. I'm from Indiana. Look, I have a mustache.
[WILL RUNS HIS THUMB UNDER JACK'S NOSE, SMEARING HIS DRAWN-ON MUSTACHE.]
WILL: Not anymore.
JACK: Get--! Wh--! Hey! I can't believe you just did that! Just hand me over to the gay mafia, the homo nostra, Don Queerleone.
[JACK TAKES AN EYEBROW PENCIL AND DRAWS HIS MUSTACHE BACK ON.]
GRACE: So that's what this is about? You're hiding?
JACK: Yes, Toby's meeting me here. He borrowed his mother's Caprice and he's gonna smuggle me to Oklahoma.
WILL: You're going to Oklahoma?
JACK: Yes. The matinee.
WILL: We're heading out. We'll see you later?
JACK: No, they're after me.
WILL: Enough of that crap! No one's after you. It's all in your head.
WAITER: Your fish, sir.
[THE WAITER SETS DOWN A PLATE OF FISH IN FRONT OF JACK.]
JACK: But I didn't order-- Oh, my god! It's a message. It's a message. I'm a dead man! I'm gonna sleep with the fishes! But it's the gay mafia, so I'm gonna sleep with trout almandine drizzled with lemon and capers!
SCENE VIII: The Street
(WILL and GRACE are walking home.)
WILL: [SIGHS] I don't know where else to look for her. We checked the Gun Club, the FDA testing center, Bill Clinton's office in Harlem-- She's nowhere.
GRACE: Was he checking me out?
WILL: No, Grace.
GRACE: Oh, my God. Look.
[GRACE POINTS. KAREN IS SITTING ON A BUS STOP BENCH EATING AN ICE CREAM CONE. THERE ARE THREE WOMEN DRESSED IN MAID UNIFORMS WAITING FOR THE BUS.]
[WILL AND GRACE WALK UP TO KAREN.]
WILL: Karen? What are you doing?
KAREN: Nothing, just shooting the breeze with these three Rosarios. Now leave me alone.
GRACE: Look, we're really sorry. I know we said some pretty harsh things.
WILL: We forget sometimes that you have human feelings. You do, right?
KAREN: You know, you could be a little more sensitive. This divorce hasn't exactly been easy for me.
WILL: I know. You and Stan were together a long time.
KAREN: What? Stan? Who said anything about One Ton Phooey? Yours is the divorce I'm upset about.
KAREN: You two split up without even a thought as to how it would affect me. [TO WILL] Hey, I know she's no prize. [TO GRACE] And I know she's no prize, either. But couldn't you two have stayed together for my sake?
GRACE: Karen... What?
KAREN: Don't you get it? It was always me, you, and Will.
WILL: It was?
GRACE: As long as you were together, I felt safe, taken care of, special. I just don't know where I fit in anymore.
[KAREN SITS BACK DOWN ON THE BENCH, SNIFFLING AND CRYING, LICKING HER ICE CREAM CONE.]
[GRACE MOTIONS FOR WILL TO GO TALK TO HER. WILL SHAKES HIS HEAD, THEY GO BACK AND FORTH UNTIL GRACE FINALLY CONCEDES.]
GRACE: Karen. No matter what happens between us, nothing could ever change the way we feel about you.
WILL: Of course, Karen. We love... The way we feel about you.
KAREN: So we're a family again?
GRACE: As much as we ever were.
[KAREN HOLDS OUT HER ARMS AND HUGS WILL AND GRACE. GRACE LICKS KAREN'S ICE CREAM CONE.]
SCENE IX: A Restaurant
(WILL is treating JACK to dinner.)
WILL: So we're clear on this, right? You understand there is no gay mafia? There is no network of waiters and florists and cabaret singers who carry out the commands of some shadowy don. Or, in this case, eye-shadowy don.
JACK: [NERVOUSLY] Yeah, okay. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. It's no big deal. Doesn't matter, anyway. [LOUDLY] I let Phillip back in my class because he is a talented actor and is under no obligation to make out with me. [TO THE WAITER] Did you hear that? Phillip's back in, pass it on.
WILL: Jack! Enough! There is no gay mafia. It does not exist.
[JACK STANDS UP.]
JACK: [LOUDLY] I do not know this man! We are not here together. [QUIETLY TO WILL] After you pay the check-- [LOUDLY] Leave me alone!
WILL: [TO HIMSELF] [SCOFFS] Gay mafia. I'm surrounded by idiots.
[THE WAITER POURS WILL SOME MORE WINE, ACCIDENTALLY SPILLING IT ON HIM.]
WILL: Oh, man! My new Gucci suit!
WATIER: Sorry, sir. [SNICKERS] Heh-heh...
WILL: Hey, it's not funny.
[THE MAN SITTING BEHIND WILL TURNS AROUND. IT'S ELTON JOHN.]
ELTON: It's a little bit funny.
WILL: Oh, my God. You're-- You're... you.
ELTON: That's right, and next time it'll be red wine. A word of advice, Will. Don't dismiss things you know nothing about. And don't walk in ten-inch heels-- It's hell on the ankles.
WILL: What are you talking about? There is no such thing--
ELTON: Isn't there?
WILL: Well, even if there was, it's not like they control the--
ELTON: Don't they?
WILL: Come on. It's not like you're the--
ELTON: Aren't I? Listen, Will. You're a smart boy. You've got a good face. A flat stomach. [ELTON SMACKS WILL'S STOMACH]
ELTON: I'd hate to see you banned from every gym in America.
WILL: And what? End up in a Fitness Protection Program?
ELTON: Don't joke. It's real. So watch yourself, Will. 'Cause we're watching you. One wrong move, and this bitch will be back.
[ELTON EXITS AS "THE BITCH IS BACK" PLAYS: "Bitch, bitch, the bitch is back--"]
[THE MUSIC STOPS AS ELTON RUNS BACK TO WILL'S TABLE.]
ELTON: Could you give me $2.00 for the coat check girl?
[WILL GIVES ELTON SOME MONEY.]
[ELTON EXITS AS "THE BITCH IS BACK" PLAYS: "Bitch, bitch, the bitch is back--"]
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and KAREN are sitting on the couch while WILL is on the phone.)
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Okay, I'll ask her.
WILL: [TO KAREN] I'm on with the manager of the Palace Hotel. They're willing to take you back, as long as you're willing to return the concierge's prosthetic leg.
KAREN: No! I won that leg fair and square. Besides, I need it to hit the snooze button in the morning.
GRACE: Why don't you just sleep on the other side of the bed?
KAREN: Hey! All right. [TO WILL] Oh. But... Um... tell him two of the toes broke off.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Did you hear that? Two of the toes broke off....