Original Airdate 11/7/2002
Written by Gail Lerner
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Gene Wilder (Mr. Stein)
Jamie Kaler (Gary)
Rachel Quaintance (Roz)
Brandon Jarrett (Colin)
Kari Lizer (Connie)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL shuffles out of his bedroom. He tries to open the bathroom door; it's locked. The shower is running.)
WILL: [KNOCKING ON THE DOOR] Come on, Grace, hurry up. I got an early meeting. [SIGHS] I knew when we installed that pulsating shower head it was gonna slow down our mornings. [KNOCKING ON THE DOOR] Grace!
[GRACE EXITS FROM HER BEDROOM.]
GRACE: Who you talking to?
WILL: I'm talking to you. Now hurry up and get out of the bathroom. Wait.
[KAREN EXITS THE BATHROOM, FULLY DRESSED, WITH A TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND HER HAIR.]
KAREN: Ooh... Whew. That is one smooth-talking shower head.
GRACE: Will, it's happening again. I'm having that dream where she's everywhere.
WILL: It's more interesting than that one about the hot dog breaking up with the doughnut.
[KAREN PUTS ON HER COAT AND PICKS UP HER PURSE.]
WILL: What are you doing here?
KAREN: What, can't a friend stop by a friend's place for a quick shower?
GRACE: Why don't you shower at Marlo and Phil's? I thought that's where
you've been staying since you left Stan.
KAREN: Oh, I am. It's been super cool. Yeah, it's all braiding each other's hair, pillow fights, comparing breast size. [SIGHS] Then Marlo comes home, and the fun stops. Oh, look at the time. I gotta fly.
GRACE: Your hair.
KAREN: Oh. Right, I forgot. Thank you.
[KAREN PULLS OFF THE TOWEL AND SHAKES HER HEAD. HER HAIR FALLS INTO PLACE PERFECTLY.]
GRACE: How does it--
WILL: That is so creepy. People just appearing out of nowhere.
GRACE: I know, using your apartment like it's their own.
JACK: [POPPING UP FROM BEHIND THE KITCHEN COUNTER] It's rude is what it is. What happened to manners? What happened to respect? What happened to tennis socks with the pom-poms on the back? There ain't nothing wrong with those.
[JACK IS MAKING A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH.]
WILL: Oh, Jack. Cute as a button. Not quite as smart.
[WILL GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.]
[GRACE JOINS JACK IN THE KITCHEN AND BEGINS DIPPING HER FINGER IN THE PEANUT BUTTER.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] You know what's going on with Karen, don't you? Reason why she has to shower here? [WHISPERS] The big secret?
GRACE: [QUIETLY] No, I don't. Tell me.
GRACE: Tell me.
GRACE: Tell me.
GRACE: Fine, don't tell me.
JACK: Now I wanna tell you.
JACK: Yeah, come on.
JACK: Come on.
JACK: Come on.
JACK: Stan froze all her assets, she has no money, she's too proud to ask for help, so she's living in her limo.
GRACE: Oh... my God. She's living in her limo?
JACK: You heard that too? Who told you?
SCENE II: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, The Conference Room
(WILL is conducting a meeting. There are five other lawyers present, including GARY, ROZ, and COLIN.)
WILL: So don't lecture me on ethics, Eugene. I don't care if there is no precedent. If we don't put ourselves on the line for this guy, he's gonna fry, and I will not have that on my conscience! And then Lara Flynn Boyle comes in and totally shuts him down.
ROZ: I love "The Practice."
WILL: It's so good. Anyway, back to business. Show of hands. All those in favor of going to Beefsteak Charlie's for Sarah's birthday?
[EVERYONE BUT ONE PERSON RAISES THEIR HANDS.]
WILL: T.G.I. Friday's?
[THE ONE PERSON RAISES HIS HAND.]
WILL: I'm sorry, the Charlies have it. Okay. Who hasn't signed the card?
GARY: Uh, Will, listen. I won't be able to go to the party. I'm going to the opera tonight.
WILL: Love the opera.
WILL: Dressed up, hanging out with fabulous people. Drinking champagne. If it weren't for the damn music, it'd be a perfect evening.
WILL: Good tickets?
GARY: Oh, the company box.
WILL: What? That is so unfair. I've asked to use the company box like a hundred times. I never get to.
GARY: That is unfair. You should have these.
[GARY HOLDS OUT THE TICKETS TO WILL. HE PULLS THEM BACK AS WILL REACHES FOR THEM.]
GARY: Too bad you don't.
CONNIE: [ENTERING] Hey. Hi, Will. You won't believe who just got off the elevator. Mr. Stein is back, and he's coming this way. I love you, Will. I mean, bye, Will. [CONNIE CLOSES THE DOOR.]
ROZ: Mr. Stein? Doucette's old partner? I thought he left the business.
WILL: No, no, he's been running the London office. I never even met him. Okay, look, who wrote "Sarah rocks" in bubble letters? You took up way too much space.
[MR. STEIN ENTERS THE CONFERENCE ROOM.]
GARY: Oh! Mr. Stein.
WILL: Mr. Stein.
ROZ: Welcome back. It's very exciting to have you here.
[EVERYONE GROVELS, OVERLAPPING.]
STEIN: Enough! Sit.
[EVERYONE SITS DOWN.]
STEIN: As you may know, my partner, Ben Doucette, has retired. And it's fallen on me to turn this company around. You may think that just because I've been in London all this time that I've failed to notice this office's deficiencies. Well... I have.
STEIN: NOT! You throw money away on new clients who never materialize. Your billing system is rotten. And the softball team has lost two years running to Spragg, Askins and Rovello. And Rovello throws like a girl.
WILL: Rovello is a girl, sir.
STEIN: Is that any excuse?!
WILL: You're right. You're right, sir.
STEIN: What is this? [HE PICKS UP THE BIRTHDAY CARD.]
WILL: Oh, that's a birthday card for Sarah. You can sign it if you want to, sir. Right under the wheelbarrow of wishes.
STEIN: You see, this is the kind of problem I'm talking about.
WILL: I know, I told them not to use bubble letters. I--
[STEIN BEGINS RIPPING UP THE CARD.]
STEIN: This is a law firm. And you are lawyers. Not schoolgirls writing in a yearbook. Unless I'm mistaken. Are there any schoolgirls here?
[STEIN LOOKS AT WILL'S PENCIL. THERE IS A TROLL ON THE TOP OF IT. WILL FLICKS THE PENCIL AND THE TROLL FLIES OFF BEHIND HIM.]
SCENE III: A New York City street
(GRACE and JACK are walking down the street. GRACE spots a limousine.)
GRACE: There it is. There's Karen's limo.
JACK: I don't think so.
GRACE: No. No, it is. See the red, green and yellow mark on the bumper where she hit that clown?
JACK: The one outside Radio Shack?
GRACE: I don't know about that clown. The one I'm talking about was outside the McDonald's in Times Square.
JACK: That's a good McDonald's.
GRACE: Don't I know it. So what's the plan?
JACK: Well, since she's too proud to ask for our help, I say we get in there and we refuse to leave until she agrees to come stay with us.
GRACE: Hey, are you wearing smarty-pants? 'Cause that's a pretty good plan.
JACK: Well, maybe not smarty-pants, but perhaps a witty thong.
GRACE: Let's move in.
[JACK AND GRACE LOOK THROUGH THE LIMO WINDOW. KAREN IS ASLEEP WITH ROSARIO BEHIND HER, SPOONING HER.]
GRACE: Oh, my god. It's worse than I thought.
JACK: Yuh. Karen's a bottom.
SCENE IV: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Conference Room
(The conference continues...)
STEIN: So, from now on, this is protocol.
[STEIN BANGS HIS HAND ON THE TABLE. EVERYONE JUMPS.]
STEIN: You may not like it, you may not be used to it, but this is the way it's going to be.
[STEIN BANGS HIS HAND ON THE TABLE. EVERYONE JUMPS.]
STEIN: Sorry, Mr. Truman. Does my pounding disturb you?
WILL: No, sir, it just caught me by surprise.
STEIN: Oh, okay. Well, I'll try to be more considerate in the future!
[MR. STEIN MAKES HIS WAY TO THE DOOR HITTING AND SLAMMING THE TABLE, AND KICKING THE DOOR.]
[STEIN EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT.]
WILL: Okay, folks. That wasn't easy for any of us, but I think we're gonna benefit from this new work ethic. Uh, first things first. Did anybody see where my troll went?
SCENE V: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Mens Restroom
(LATER. WILL enters the restroom. He hears someone whimpering and hooting.)
[WILL OPENS A STALL DOOR. MR. STEIN IS SITTING ON TOP OF THE TOILET, WHIMPERING.]
WILL: Oh, sorry! Mr. Stein, what's wrong?
STEIN: Nothing. Can't a senior partner crouch on top of a toilet if he wants to?
WILL: Of course. Crouching's fine. It was the whimpering that threw me. I'll just leave you.
STEIN: No, wait! Wait. I can't take it.
[MR. STEIN BEGINS SOBBING AND HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS FOR WILL TO HUG HIM. WILL STANDS THERE, CONFUSED. MR. STEIN THEN SHUFFLES UP TO HIM AND HUGS HIM.]
STEIN: Oh, all the people staring at me. Listening to my every word. Why do they all stare?
WILL: Because you were talking to them?
STEIN: You're doing it, too. [WILL LOOKS AWAY.]
STEIN: They all know, don't they? Where I've been all these years.
WILL: The London office?
STEIN: The Lon-- [LAUGHS] There is no London office. You wanna know where I really was? I'll give you a hint.
[MR. STEIN MAKES A BABBLING NOISE WITH HIS LIPS AND FINGER AND THEN PUTS HIS FINGERS TO HIS FOREHEAD AND MAKES A ZAPPING SOUND.]
STEIN: That's right. The loony bin. The nut hatch. Nana's change purse.
WILL: No wonder "London" is in quotes on the company letterhead.
STEIN: You know, just between you and me, I wasn't ready to come back now. I know that. But when Doucette left, I had to, to save the company. I mean, it's Doucette and Stein. If there's no Doucette, no Stein, what's the company gonna be called?
STEIN: I like you. You're like a young me. Do you know where my red wagon is?
WILL: Uh, I'll have to check with mom.
STEIN: Will you help me? Please? This pressure's too much. I can't handle it alone. Look at me. I'm nuts.
WILL: Hey, I don't know what I can do.
STEIN: Well, when I'm down... and troubled... and I need a helping hand... and nothing, whoa, nothing is going right, [SINGING OFF-KEY] close your eyes and think of me, and soon I will be there...
WILL: Mr. Stein--
STEIN: To brighten up even--
WILL: Mr. Stein, Mr. Stein.
STEIN: I'm sorry. That's what they were playing when I had my last treatment. I can't get it out of my head.
WILL: I'll do whatever I can.
STEIN: Oh, good. Great. Thank you.
[STEIN BEGINS TO EXIT THE RESTROOM.]
STEIN: Oh! Um, I have a lunch meeting with new clients at Le Cirque. You go. Use my expense account.
WILL: Le Cirque. Well, okay, I'll have to cancel my table at Blimpie's, but...
STEIN: And I have a court appearance at 9:00 and a deposition at 3:00.
WILL: Consider them covered.
STEIN: Thank you. You're helping me. If there's anything that I can do for you...
WILL: Oh, please. It's my job. I'm happy to help. But... If you held a gun to my head--
STEIN: Who told you about that?
WILL: No, I'd like to use the company box at the opera sometime.
STEIN: Sure. Tonight.
WILL: I can't. Gary's using it.
STEIN: No, he's not. It's yours.
WILL: Really? Thank you.
[MR. STEIN EXITS.]
WILL: That's so unfair. Poor Gary. [LAUGHS] Heh-heh-heh-heh...
SCENE VI: Karen's Limousine
(GRACE, KAREN and ROSARIO are sitting in the limo seat. JACK is sitting on the floor in front of them.)
KAREN: For the last time, I'm fine! It's a temporary cash flow problem. Now get out of my limo, bozo. And take your little circus poodle with you.
GRACE: Karen, we're not going anywhere unless you come with us.
KAREN: Listen, I do not need your help, all right? I may be alone, broke, living in a car and spooning a domestic, but Karen Walker has her dignity. Got it? Here. Throw away my urine.
[KAREN HANDS ROSARIO A BIG PLASTIC CUP.]
ROSARIO: It's bad enough I have to do this at the mans. Ugh.
[ROSARIO TAKES THE CUP AND GETS OUT OF THE LIMO.]
GRACE: Karen? Come on. Stay with me.
JACK: Kar, you may think I only love you for your money, but you know what else is true. I care about you. And that's why I pledge that we will stay here as long as it takes.
[ROSARIO OPENS THE DOOR.]
ROSARIO: Very funny, putting a quarter on the bottom.
[KAREN LAUGHS AND CLAPS.]
SCENE VII: The Offices of Doucette and Stein
(MR. STEIN passes by WILL's office as WILL exits.)
WILL: Mr. Stein? I--
[MR. STEIN RUNS INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR.]
WILL: [THROUGH THE DOOR.] Mr. Stein? Mr. Stein, it's me, Will.
STEIN: [LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOW.] Oh, Will. How nice to see you. How you doing?
WILL: Pretty good. Pretty good. You?
WILL: I wanted to th--
[MR. STEIN MOVES AWAY FROM THE WINDOW.]
WILL: Mr. Stein?
[MR. STEIN HAS MOVED TO THE OTHER WINDOW.]
WILL: Mr. Stei--? Do you think it would-- it would be okay if you and I were-- If you and I were in the-- the same room together?
STEIN: I don't see why not. Shall I wait here, then?
WILL: Yeah. Yeah, you wait right there.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR.]
WILL: I just w--
[MR. STEIN BEGINS WALKING OUT. WILL GRABS HIM.]
WILL: Mr. Stein! I just-- I wanted to thank you for letting me use the company box last night. The seats were so comfortable. My ass couldn't stop talking about it the whole way home.
STEIN: I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's the least I could do for all your help.
COLIN: Oh, Mr. Stein. We need your signature on these before we can send them out.
[COLIN HANDS STEIN A CLIPBOARD. WILL GIVES HIM A PEN.]
[STEIN DRAWS CIRCLES ON THE PAPER AND HANDS IT BACK TO COLIN.]
WILL: Good. Fantastic, sir. Next time, we'll try signing your name.
STEIN: You saved me again. How can I thank you? Let me do something for you.
WILL: No, it's not necessary.
STEIN: How do you like that corner office?
WILL: The one with the French doors and the private bath? It's unbelievable, but that's Sarah's office. She's had that for 30 years.
STEIN: Mmm. God bless her. She deserves it. What a treasure that woman is. Oh, there she is now.
[STEIN STOPS SARAH IN THE HALLWAY.]
STEIN: Oh, Sarah. Sarah, dear. You're fired! Now clear out your office, darling.
STEIN: [TO WILL] Enjoy!
SCENE VIII: Karen's Limousine
(Later that night. GRACE, KAREN, JACK, and ROSARIO are all sitting in the limo.)
GRACE: Last chance, Karen. You gonna spend the night here...
GRACE: Or we gonna go back to my nice, soft, comfortable bed?
KAREN: Good Lord. You will do anything to get into my pants.
GRACE: All right, then. Let's go to sleep.
KAREN: All right.
[EVERYONE TRIES TO GET COMFORTABLE LAYING ON THE SEAT. JACK PULLS ROSARIO'S MEMBERS ONLY JACKET OVER HIM AND ROSARIO.]
KAREN: Jack? That had better be your penis.
GRACE: I can't do this. I sleep on my left. Turn.
JACK: Oh, pl-- Grace!
GRACE: Come on, come on.
[EVERY TURNS THE OTHER WAY.]
KAREN: Grace? That had better be your penis.
GRACE: It's a thermos, but thank you.
JACK: Rosario! She keeps poking me with her--
[EVERYONE BEGINS FUSSING AND ARGUING.]
ROSARIO: Oh, don't be saying that--
GRACE: Don't kick me!
KAREN: God, what is that smell?!
ROSARIO: What do you want me to do?!
GRACE: Stop it! This is crazy. The only reason to spend a night in a limo is if the drummer in your prom band dropped a Quaalude in your Fresca. Look, we get it. Okay? We get it. Going through a hard time right now. You just left your husband. But we're your friends and we love you. And if we can't help each other out in the hard times, then what are we doing?
KAREN: [SIGHS] You know... Jack, what you say is right. But no, I'm staying here!
KAREN: Why? Good Lord, Jack. If I gave in to every persuasive argument, I'd be in some crazy three-way marriage with Maury Povich and Connie Chung!
GRACE: Fine. Come on, Jack. We're outta here.
SCENE IX: The Offices of Doucette and Stein
(GRACE is having lunch while WILL packs up his office.)
GRACE: I mean, if Karen's not gonna take my help, then I'm done. Let her live in her limo. A lotta people a lot worse off than that. In Russia, entire families live in their limousines.
WILL: Good God, Grace. I beg you to pick up a newspaper.
GRACE: I can't believe you're taking Sarah's office. She's like the office grandmother. You're taking Bubby's office.
WILL: Hey, as long as there's been offices, there's been office politics. In fact, that's why they built offices. So office politics would have a place to play out. Everybody gets it. Nobody takes it personally.
[GARY AND ROZ, ALONG WITH A COUPLE OTHER PEOPLE, STOP IN THE OFFICE DOORWAY.]
WILL: Oh, hey, Gary. Look, lemme show you that birthday card I got for Kelly. On the outside is a word balloon that says "Happy birthday from the bunch of us." And on the inside, bananas are talking. [LAUGHS]
GARY: Clever. But we don't need your card, Will. We bought our own.
WILL: Oh, you did? Okay, I'll sign it.
GARY: No, we don't want your signature. In fact, here's your $4.50 back. The Gap gift certificate? It's just from us.
GRACE: $4.50 each? Wow, that's like 18 bucks. Happy birthday, Kelly. Knock yourself out at the irregular T-shirt table.
WILL: What's going on? You guys mad at me?
ROZ: What do you think, Will? You got Sarah fired. She was like a grandmother to me.
WILL: Well, now you can visit her twice a year like you do your real grandmother. I got that office because I'm good at my job.
GARY: No, you got that office because you kissed Stein's ass.
[GARY AND ROZ MAKE KISSING NOISES.]
WILL: That is not true. Stein treats me the same way he treats anybody else in this firm.
[MR. STEIN WALKS BY AND STOPS.]
STEIN: Oh, Will, I'm clearing out that office next to yours so your assistant won't be so cramped.
WILL: But that's Gary's office.
STEIN: Yes. [TO GARY] Oh, Gary, I need to speak to you later. [WALKING AWAY] Enjoy your lunch.
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
(JACK is watching TV when GRACE enters.)
JACK: Hey, G. Where you been?
GRACE: [SIGHS] Well, I thought I saw Karen's limo down the street, so I thought I'd try one more time to talk some sense into her, but when I opened the door, I found Mariah Carey eating ramen in her nightie. Apparently, living in your limo isn't as weird as we thought.
JACK: Well, I couldn't just sit here, either. I've been to every gay bar in New York.
GRACE: Looking for Karen?
[GRACE HEARS A NOISE IN THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: Will in the shower?
JACK: I don't know. I just got here.
[KAREN EXITS THE BATHROOM.]
KAREN: Oh. Hi, honey. Listen, you gotta talk to that shower head. He got a little fresh. I had to put him in his place. Well... [WHISPERS] my place.
GRACE: Karen, what are you doing here? Did they tow your house? Or did someone decide to let her friends help her?
KAREN: What? Your face is pulled too tight. I don't need any help.
GRACE: Come on, Karen. Stop pretending. You're lonely, you're down and out, and you need us. So don't let your stupid pride get in the way of you asking for help that you obviously need.
KAREN: Okay. You got me. You're right again, Jack. Sorry I was so stubborn. I do wanna stay here. In fact, there's nowhere I would rather be than here. With my two best friends. [KAREN HOLDS OUT HER HANDS AND HOLDS JACK AND GRACE'S HANDS.]
ROSARIO: [ENTERING] Lady... Stan caved! Our money came in!
KAREN: Adios, suckers! I'll be at the Palace Hotel!
[ROSARIO AND KAREN RUN OUT.]
[KAREN COMES BACK.]
KAREN: Oh, you kids wanna come with?
[JACK AND GRACE SHRUG AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS.]
KAREN: I hear there's a gym with an Olympic-sized lifeguard.
[JACK RUNS OUT.]
KAREN: [TO GRACE] Honey?
KAREN: Free porn.
GRACE: Grabbin' my coat.
[GRACE GRABS HER COAT AND THEY EXIT.]
SCENE XI: A Japanese Sushi Restaurant
(WILL and MR. STEIN are having dinner. WILL is fixing up his plate.)
WILL: There you go, sir, just like you like it. Now, just-- You can take it from here, right? I don't have to make a little airplane and fly it into your mouth, do I?
STEIN: No, Will. I'm not a child. Am I?
WILL: Mr. Stein, I, uh, I have something difficult to say.
STEIN: Is it "Annie hit Frannie on the fanny with a flounder"?
WILL: Yes. Yes, and thank you for saying it. Now I don't have to. One more thing... It's not that I don't appreciate all you've done for me, but I just have the feeling that our--
STEIN: Oh, oh, oh. You're dumping me.
WILL: I can't dump you, sir. We're not a couple.
STEIN: That's exactly what you'd say if you were dumping me. Hey! This fish is raw!
WILL: Mr. Stein. Calm down. All I'm saying is it's clearly unhealthy for you to rely on me--
STEIN: Please. Please. Is it the office? You can have mine. I'll fire me. Stein, you're fired. You can't do that-- I just did! Get out! But my wife and children-- I don't give a crap about your wife and children.
WILL: Mr. Stein, stop.
STEIN: Its not fair. Fair has nothing to do w--
WILL: Hey, stop. Stop it. I hate when you guys fight.
STEIN: Please. I need you.
WILL: You don't need me. You're a legend. You're the man that saved the lead-based paint industry a $100-million lawsuit.
STEIN: I used to be kinda tough.
WILL: "Kinda tough"? You obliterated those third-graders on the witness stand.
STEIN: Well, I pretty much let them hang themselves.
WILL: Don't you be so modest. You're a killer. You're a shark. You're Stein. Say it.
WILL: No, say... say "I'm Stein."
STEIN: I'm Stein.
WILL: Louder. "I'm Stein."
STEIN: Louder. I'm Stein!
WILL: Like you mean it, "I'm Stein!"
STEIN: I'm Stein!
WILL: One more time!
STEIN: I am Stein! Now get outta here! This is my building! [TO THE RESTAURANT PATRONS] Why aren't you working? What am I paying you-- You! Get that edamame off your desk.
WILL: Man. Very good, sir. Very, very savage. This people will think twice about ever going into a Japanese restaurant again.
STEIN: You did it again.
STEIN: You saved me. Will, I wanna thank you from the heart of my bottom. No. Wait. Strike that. Reverse it. All right. Get the check. What do you mean, "Get the check?" I paid last time. You didn't pay last time. What are you talking about? What do you mean? What are you talking about? Listen to you guys. What are you arguing about?
SCENE XII: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Men's Restroom
(WILL and MR. STEIN are standing next to each other at the urinal.)
STEIN: [SINGING] You just call out my name...
WILL: [SINGING] And you know wherever I am...
STEIN: [SINGING] I'll come running. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[MR. STEIN TURNS TO FACE WILL.]
STEIN: [SINGING] To see you--
[MR. STEIN IS PEEING ON WILL'S LEG.]
STEIN: Oh. Sorry.
[STEIN DOESN'T MOVE.]
WILL: You're still doing it.