Original Airdate 5/16/2002
Part 1 Written By: Adam Barr (Story by Kari Lizer)
Part 2 Written By: Jeff Greenstein & Alex Herschlag (Story by Jhoni Marchinko)
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Michael Angarano (Elliot)
Rip Torn (Lionel Banks)
Laura Kightlinger (Nurse)
J Lucas (Ruben)
Andrew Rosenbach (Terry)
Charles C. Stevenson Jr (Smitty)
Peggy Lane O'Rourke (Female Cabbie)
Richard Assad (Male Cabbie)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment Building(WILL and GRACE are getting ready for work. WILL is cooking in the kitchen while GRACE sits at the table with a notepad and pen.)
GRACE: Ok, you ready? My top three choices for baby names. If it's a boy: Caleb, Elijah, and Jonah.
WILL: Great. You have any choices that were popular after Noah built the ark?
GRACE: [WRITING] Ooh, Noah. Ok. Now, don't worry. If you wanna go more modern, I also have Louis, Erik, and Sebastian. And for girls, I've got Vanessa, Ursula, and Ariel. They're good, right?
WILL: Yeah. They're also characters from The Little Mermaid.
WILL: I'm surprised you didn't put down Flounder and Scuttle.
GRACE: [EXCITED] We're gonna make a baby!
WILL: [EXCITED] I know!
GRACE: But don't forget what we talked about last night. We're not gonna tell anyone about this baby until I'm actually pregnant.
WILL: Well, what about our friends?
GRACE: No. No. Our friends will just make stupid comments and have stupid opinions.
WILL: That's a little unfair.
JACK: [ENTERING] Are there any Hobbits left in America?
WILL: I take it back. That's totally fair.
JACK: 'Cause I was up all night thinking about what my new calling in life should be. There's been quite a void since I abandoned my acting career.
WILL: I thought your acting career was the void.
JACK: I just need something. Like a--like a new direction.
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: That way. [BOTH POINT TOWARDS THE DOOR]
[A BIT LATER. GRACE HAS LEFT FOR WORK. JACK IS HAVING A SNACK AS WILL GETS READY TO GO.]
WILL: Ok, I'm late for work. Look, uh, I made you a nice lunch. Don't forget your juice-box for the gym, and just lock up after you steal things.
JACK: [SUSPICIOUS] Hey. What's going on with you?
WILL: What do you mean?
JACK: You're all pinched and clinched, like a man with a secret.
WILL: Nothing, I j-- Well, I do have kind of huge news, but I promised Grace I would not tell.
JACK: [WHINING] Come on! What is it?! Please?!
WILL: I can't. Grace is gonna honor her promise, and I must do the same.
[CUT TO GRACE'S OFFICE.]
KAREN: [EXCITED] You two are having a baby?!
[KAREN HUGS GRACE.]
GRACE: Isn't it incredible?
KAREN: Oh, honey, it really is. And you know, with everything that's been going on with me lately, Stan staying in prison, me all alone in a house with 16 servants, most of whom don't even jump anymore when I shoot at their feet... Well, your news really gives me something to smile about.
GRACE: Karen, it's so good to see you smile. Hell, it's good to see you exhibit any human attribute.
KAREN: Wow. So you and Will are having a baby.
GRACE: Ok, now, before you start judging and saying things like, "he's gay," and, "that's weird," and, "you're so flat that Will's gonna have to breast feed..." you should know that we are very serious about this.
KAREN: Well, of course you are. [CHUCKLES TO SELF] Breast feed. I'm funny...
[CUT BACK TO WILL'S APARTMENT.]
JACK: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So, where is this baby going to live?
WILL: Well, you know, in my office, in a file folder. Under "O" for offspring. Here with us! What do you think?
JACK: Hmm. Well, isn't that all cozy. One big happy family. [TURNS HIS BACK TO WILL]
WILL: What's wrong with you?
JACK: [UPSET] Is this because I'm gay? You feel you failed somehow, and now you need to get a new baby and start all over again?
WILL: I'm gay. And you're not my baby.
JACK: It's just--it's just... It's just that this new baby is gonna come, and he's gonna be cuter than I am, and younger than I am, and he's gonna have a better job than I do...
WILL: Well, sure. But we'll still love you.
JACK: [UPSET] I don't know. It all sounds kinda crazy.
WILL: We'll still pay for you.
JACK: [EXCITED] Yay, we're having a baby!
[JACK HUGS WILL.]
WILL: Yeah, I thought so...
SCENE II: Will's Apartment Building
(KAREN and GRACE exit the elevator and head to the apartment.)
GRACE: Ok, now, remember, Karen. Not a word about...
KAREN: [NODDING] Oh. John Goodman.
GRACE: Yes, Karen. John Goodman. Also try to avoid the subject of baby.
[KAREN MIMES LOCKING HER LIPS AND DROPPING THE KEY DOWN HER BLOUSE.]
[GRACE AND KAREN ENTER THE APARTMENT. WILL is getting dinner ready; JACK, and ELLIOT are waiting.]
KAREN: [TO ELLIOT] Hi, kid. How's the wife?
ELLIOT: [SIGHS] Same old, same old. I mean, I bust my hump 14 hours a day. Is it too much to ask to have dinner waiting for me on the table when I get home?
KAREN: Yeah. You should get rid of her. I hear she sleeps around.
WILL: Ok, guys. Dinner's ready. Ooh.
[WILL RUNS TO JACK AND MIMES CRADLING A BABY AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.]
[JACK NODS AND BEGINS MIMING AN ELABORATE RESPONSE.]
JACK: [WHISPERING] We'll make popcorn later, watch "Buffy." That's fine.
WILL: [WHISPERING] No! Don't tell Karen and Grace I told you about the baby.
JACK: [WHISPERING] The baby. I got you. Yes, of course.
[EVERYONE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.]
GRACE: This looks so great!
KAREN: Thanks. How about a toast? Hmm?
[EVERYONE HOLDS UP THEIR WINE GLASS.]
KAREN AND JACK [TOGETHER]: To Will and Grace's baby!
WILL: [TO GRACE] I can't believe you told her!
GRACE: [TO WILL] I can't believe you told him!
WILL: He doesn't count; he doesn't listen.
GRACE: She doesn't count; she's always buzzed.
KAREN: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, come on, now! [BEAT] Where are we?
[JACK TUCKS HIS NAPKIN INTO HIS SHIRT AND LOOKS UP.]
JACK: I'm sorry, what?
KAREN: Kids. Kids. Come on, it doesn't matter. You two are having a baby, and, well... We think it's wonderful.
WILL: Thank you.
JACK: I do ask that after you have completed the act of making sweet, sweet love that you get Will a one-way ticket back to Homoville before he gets too comfortable in 'Gina Heights.
GRACE: We are not having sex.
WILL: Of course not.
KAREN: What? Why not?
WILL: Because we... [WILL REALIZES ELLIOT IS LISTENING] Um, hold on. [WILL NODS HIS HEAD TOWARDS ELLIOT.] Jack?
JACK: Totally, yes.
WILL: Jack. Elliot?
JACK: Oh, yes. Of course. [TO ELLIOT] Elliot, yeah. Um, listen. You can't be here right now.
[JACK ESCORTS ELLIOT TO THE DOOR.]
JACK: We're about to have a very serious conversation that isn't appropriate for a child your age.
ELLIOT: Well, can I listen at the door?
JACK: Yeah, I think that'll be fine.
[ELLIOT EXITS INTO THE HALL. JACK SITS BACK DOWN.]
WILL: Thank you. Guys, nobody will be having any sex. Sorry, Grace.
GRACE: What?! That better be a joke.
WILL: Well, once upon a time you were attracted to me.
GRACE: Yeah, a thousand years ago. Before I saw you pluck your eyebrows and go to bed with moisturizing gloves. If anything, you're the one who wants to have sex with me.
GRACE: I see the way you look at me when I shave my legs.
WILL: Well, that's because it happens so infrequently, I have to take a minute to figure out what you're doing.
KAREN: Ooh, that was low.
JACK: She should say something about his fat chin.
[KAREN TAPS GRACE'S SHOULDER AND POINTS AND NODS TO JACK.]
GRACE: Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Let's stop this. Will, I don't want to sleep with you.
WILL: Well, I don't wanna sleep with you, either. So I guess we'll be doing, what, insemination.
GRACE: Works for me.
JACK: Ok, you guys. You know, ok. Just don't say it so casually, ok? Do you even know what insemination involves?
GRACE: Of course.
WILL: Yes, thank you.
WILL: No, not really.
GRACE: Not exactly. Well, do you know?
KAREN: [WITH HER MOUTH FULL OF FOOD] Uh, hello?! His own son was the result of insemination. [ROLLS HER EYES.]
JACK: So if anyone knows, I think I do.
ELLIOT: [SIGHS] Insemination. The guy goes to this lab, where he deposits his sperm, then the doctor puts it into this machine that spins it around to get the best sample. The woman goes to another place, where her doctor waits for the sample to arrive from the lab. Then the doctor inserts the sample with a syringe, and, hopefully, that results in fertilization.
WILL: I know.
GRACE: So clinical. So impersonal.
WILL: I know. It sounds perfect.
GRACE: Yeah. And I don't have to shave my legs.
SCENE III: The Sperm Bank
(GRACE is sitting on the exam table in a hospital gown while WILL looks through a book.)
WILL: You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing. It's a miracle, really. So complex. So beautiful.
[WILL TURNS THE PAGE AND TOSSES THE BOOK ONTO THE TABLE.]
WILL: Yow! What is that thing?! God! It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie.
GRACE: Oh, please. Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens? It don't.
NURSE: [ENTERING] Excuse me. Mr. Truman?
NURSE: We need to talk about your sperm.
GRACE: [GASPS] I knew it. It's the Jacuzzi at the gym. He boiled them, didn't he?
NURSE: No. Actually, it's chowder.
WILL: Thank you. You see, Grace? It's chowder. [TO THE NURSE] That's good, right?
NURSE: No. It's actual chowder. Corn chowder. Smells good. Peppery. [TO GRACE] Not gonna do you any good.
[WILL TAKES THE BAG FROM THE NURSE.]
WILL: What are you-- Oh, my God, I grabbed the wrong bag. This is Jack's lunch.
GRACE: Jack has our baby juice?
WILL: Look, don't worry. I'm sure Jack is smart enough-- I better get down to Barney's right away.
GRACE: Hurry. Save little Sheila.
WILL: No. We talked about that. No Sheila. Sheila's a whore's name.
GRACE: [TO THE NURSE] You know, he's right. Sheila is kind of whorey, don't you think?
NURSE: We haven't met. Hi, I'm Sheila. [SHEILA THE NURSE HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR GRACE TO SHAKE.]
GRACE: I am so sorry, I just--I--I...
NURSE: Oh, don't apologize. I am a whore.
[CUT TO BARNEY'S NEW YORK DEPARTMENT STORE. JACK IS TALKING TO HIS CO-WORKER, TERRY, THE FORMER HAND-CREAM GUY.]
JACK: Terry, you gotta help me. I gotta find my calling. What do you think my new career should be?
TERRY: Well, what are you looking for?
JACK: I don't know. Something that speaks to my interests, you know? Hot fashion, hot guys, hot clothes, hot pants. Anything hot.
TERRY: Well, uh, how about this job?
JACK: [SCOFFS] What are you trying to tell me, huh?
[JACK KNEELS DOWN IN FRONT OF A MANNEQUIN AND FIXES ITS PANTS.]
JACK: That what I've been hungering for this whole time has been right in front of my face?
[JACK LOOKS UP AND STARES INTO THE MANNEQUIN'S GROIN.]
JACK: It is right here. If it were a snake, it would have bit me. Terry, you're a genius!
TERRY: Thank you.
JACK: If we were both women, I'd marry ya. Oh, from now on, I'm gonna dedicate my whole life to retail. But first, I'm gonna have a nice, hot cup of soup.
[JACK PULLS OUT HIS LUNCH BAG FROM UNDER THE COUNTER AS WILL RUNS IN.]
WILL: You've got my sperm.
JACK: Come again?
WILL: We must have switched bags this morning. Here's your soup, and I'll take my-- [WILL OPENS THE BAG] Tequila.
[CUT TO GRACE'S OFFICE. GRACE RUNS IN AND STOPS KAREN FROM OPENING THE BAG.]
GRACE: You have Will's sperm!
KAREN: Oh, dear lord! Where?! Ooh! [KAREN HOPS UP AND LOOKS AROUND] Oh!
GRACE: In this bag. Please tell me that you didn't drink your lunch yet.
KAREN: Honey, I just got done drinking breakfast. You gotta give the liver a little time to digest.
GRACE: Oh, thank God. Finally, I have what I need to make my baby.... [GRACE OPENS THE BAG] Mop n' Glo.
[CUT TO KAREN'S PENTHOUSE. WILL KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.]
WILL: Rosario, it's Will! Look, I think your floor wax got mixed up with my...
[WILL ENTERS. ROSARIO IS MOPPING THE FLOOR.]
ROSARIO: Be careful. The floor is very sticky.
WILL: [DISGUSTED] Oh!
[CUT TO GRACE, BACK AT THE SPERM BANK, TALKING TO WILL ON HER CELL PHONE.]
GRACE: [DISGUSTED] Oh!
WILL: [INTO THE PHONE] I know. I guess were not gonna be able to do this today.
GRACE: [INTO THE PHONE] Oh! I'm so disappointed. I was all ready to... leggo of my eggo.
WILL: [INTO THE PHONE] Meet me back at the apartment. We'll talk about it.
GRACE: [INTO THE PHONE] All right. I'll be there as soon as I can. [GRACE DUMPS SOME TONGUE DEPRESSERS INTO HER PURSE.]
WILL: [INTO THE PHONE] Grace, quit stealing medical supplies and get out of there.
GRACE: [INTO THE PHONE] You don't know me.
SCENE IV: A Hotel Bar/Lounge
(KAREN is sitting at the bar. SMITTY the bartender gives her a drink. A man is also sitting at the bar nearby.)
KAREN: Ah, Smitty. I'm having a little hubby trouble. How about cheering me up with one of your jokes?
SMITTY: I'm afraid I'm not in much of a joking mood. You see, my wife died Christmas, and I just haven't been myself since.
KAREN: [LAUGHING BREATHLESSLY] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah, Smitty. You always know just what to say.
LIONEL: [TO KAREN] You have a very delightful chuckle.
KAREN: Oh, thank you. They're real, too.
LIONEL: [HOLDS OUT HIS HAND] Lionel Banks. Lionel, like the train. Banks, like money. And you are?
KAREN: Anastasia Beaverhousen. Anastasia, like Russian royalty. Beaverhousen, like... where the beaver live.
LIONEL: Dynamite. What brings you to this lush paradise, Miss Beaver...housen?
KAREN: Oh...I don't know, really. Just killing time, I suppose. Waiting for something good to happen. Hmm.
LIONEL: Interesting. I was just doing the same thing. Looks like my wait is over.
KAREN: Well, well. Where did you come from, Lionel? Did the Smooth-Talking Gigolo Convention let out early?
LIONEL: [CHUCKLES] Listen, why don't we continue this in my very comfortable suite upstairs? I've got loads of cash, so time is no issue.
KAREN: Mr. Banks, you think I'm a hooker?!
LIONEL: That body, those clothes, that voice? Yes.
KAREN: Well... As flattered as I am by that, I'm afraid I have to disappoint you.
LIONEL: You don't have sex for money?
KAREN: No, I do not! For jewels, for furs, for mixed securities, like a lady! But for money? How dare you?!
LIONEL: A thousand apologies. I don't suppose there's any way you might forgive me for my highly inappropriate gaffe and allow me to buy you a drink?
KAREN: Well... that's very kind of you, Mr. Banks, but I don't think that's such a good idea.
LIONEL: Is there a problem, my sweet? You're not married, are you?
KAREN: Well, as a matter of fact... no, I'm not. [KAREN PLACES HER RIGHT HAND OVER HER WEDDING RING.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are sitting on the couch.)
GRACE: This is so depressing. I was so sure that by the end of the day today, I would be with child. Instead, I'm just with doughnut.
[GRACE PICKS UP A DOUGHNUT FROM THE TABLE.]
WILL: Well, you're still ovulating, right? Well, first thing tomorrow, we'll go down to the sperm bank, we'll start all over again.
GRACE: [SIGHS] Oh, gosh. There's gotta be an easier way to do this. I mean, there's what, five billion people in the world?
WILL: I know. And Mia Farrow's got, like, four billion of 'em.
GRACE: If there was only a way to make this all simpler. You know? Just cut out the middle man.
[WILL PICKS UP A BANANA FROM THE TABLE.]
WILL: Yeah, I know. Feels like there's this obvious solution that's just staring us in the face.
SCENE VI: The Waldorf-Astoria Hotel
(KAREN and JACK are dropping rose petals on the bed and setting up the room for Will and Grace.)
JACK: Oh, Karen, I'm so glad you got Will and Grace this hotel room to consummate their dysfunctional relationship.
KAREN: Well, honey, I figured since he's gay and she's a handlebar mustache away from being gay herself... A frilly hotel room makes perfect sense.
JACK: How do you figure?
KAREN: Oh, honey... I don't care.
JACK: You know, I'm really glad they're doing this. Maybe once Will's done with her, he can quit comin' after me. I swear, sometimes he gives me looks like I haven't seen since I was an altar boy at Saint Margaret's.
KAREN: You know, honey, I got the same thing with Grace. I'm telling you, that girl is running out of excuses to get near my breasts.
KAREN: [IMITATING GRACE, POINTING WITH HER ARM ACROSS JACK'S CHEST] "Karen, pick up that phone."
KAREN: [IMITATING GRACE, PRETENDING TO RUB PAPER ON JACK'S CHEST] "Karen, will you send this fax?"
KAREN: [IMITATING GRACE, RUBBING HER HEAD ALL OVER JACK'S CHEST] "Karen, get your boobs away from my face."
JACK: Well, I brought something that no straight love-making experience would be complete without. [JACK PULLS SOME VIDEOS OUT OF A BAG] A little gay porn.
KAREN: Honey, come on. Let's get into position. Come on!
[JACK GRABS SOME POPCORN, KAREN GRABS A PAIR OF OPERA GLASSES AND THE TWO OF THEM SIT DOWN IN CHAIRS AT THE FOOT OF THE BED.]
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER.]
JACK: Oh, here they are!
JACK AND KAREN [BOTH]: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
GRACE: I haven't had two people cheering me to have sex since I brought a Jewish doctor home for Thanksgiving.
KAREN: Oh, honey. I'm so excited for you.
[KAREN HUGS GRACE, PULLING HER HEAD INTO HER CLEAVAGE.]
GRACE: Karen, get your boobs away from my face!
KAREN: [TO JACK] Wha--I--What'd I tell you?
JACK: Ooh! I can't wait! This is gonna be disgusting!
[KAREN PULLS OUT A CAMCORDER.]
KAREN: Hey, where's the zoom on this thing? I'm gonna need to make everything look bigger.
[WILL GRABS JACK BY THE ARM, GRACE GRABS KAREN BY THE HAIR AND THEY TOSS THEM OUT OF THE ROOM.]
JACK: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
KAREN: Ooh, I like it! I like it!
[WILL AND GRACE ARE ALONE...]
GRACE: So, here we are.
WILL: Time to make a baby.
GRACE: A baby.
WILL: [CARTOON VOICE] MBaby!
[WILL AND GRACE DOWN A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE.]
GRACE: Ok. Let's get started.
WILL: All right. Here we go. Makin' a baby. Doin' the deed.
GRACE: Down and dirty.
WILL: This isn't working for me. Hmm...
GRACE: This isn't gonna be a problem, right? I mean, come on. I mean, we're friends. We've seen each other naked a hundred times.
WILL: Cinchy. Right? All right. Here we go. Hmm.
GRACE: Start goin'.
WILL: Yeah, that's me.
[WILL CLEARS HIS THROAT AND LEANS IN TO GRACE. SHE LEANS BACK AS HE LEANS FORWARD.]
WILL: You know, we--we really don't need to kiss.
GRACE: Kissing is not necessary.
WILL: Who needs kissing? It--it seems-- I'm just gonna-- I'll just, uh-- take your shirt off.
[WILL CLEARS HIS THROAT]
[WILL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY AND UNBUTTONS THE TOP BUTTON OF GRACE'S BLOUSE.]
GRACE: You know what? I can do this with my shirt on.
WILL: True! True! That's...
GRACE: [LAUGHS] You know what? I mean--I mean-- you don't need these. If anything, these hurt the process, right?
WILL: Twist my arm!
GRACE: Basically, all I really need is--is that... [POINTS TO WILL'S CROTCH] ... there [POINTS UP].
WILL: Yeah. Therein lies the problem.
GRACE: Ok, ok, ok. Maybe... maybe we should just try a different approach.
WILL: Yeah, you know, we--we--we don't need the romance. Let's just-- let's just get raw. You know, let's get savage.
GRACE: Ok. You know what? We should just-- we should just attack each other like animals, you know?
GRACE: Just like, you know, paw at each other... [GRACE PUSHES WILL]
WILL: Ooh, now...
WILL: That's good.
GRACE: Yeah? Paw at you.
WILL: Yeah... That'só
[GRACE SHOVES WILL HARDER]
WILL: Hey. Show me what you got.
GRACE: A little hot love paw.
[GRACE SHOVES WILL HARD, AND HE FALLS BACKWARDS OVER THE BED AND ONTO THE FLOOR]
WILL: Grace! What the hell are you doing?!
GRACE: I was being raw and savage like you said!
WILL: Well, it's not working. No wonder you have trouble keeping boyfriends. They can't get insurance.
GRACE: Ok, all right, that's it. I am going into the bathroom and getting naked. You get under the covers and get ready for action. 'Cause when I come out, we're gonna put that babymaker to work.
[GRACE EXITS TO THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: [LOOKS DOWN TO HIS CROTCH] You do this for me... and I'll--I'll get you those leather pants you've been eyeing.
SCENE VII: Karen's Penthouse
(A delivery boy has brought KAREN some flowers.)
KAREN: Oh, thank you so much. Wow. Yeah. Listen, I'd love to give you a tip, but I don't seem to-- Oh, wait a minute. Here you go. [KAREN PULLS A PAINTING OFF THE WALL AND GIVES IT TO THE DELIVERY BOY.] Ok. Yeah.
[KAREN SHUTS THE DOOR AND PULLS THE CARD OUT OF THE FLOWERS.]
KAREN: [READING THE CARD] Why, Lionel Banks, you filthy old man. Ooh...
[KAREN RUBS THE CARD ALL OVER HER BODY AND SPANKS HER BUTT WITH IT.]
ROSARIO: [ENTERING] I heard the bell. Are my pizzas here?
KAREN: Oh, no, no. Just some flowers for me.
ROSARIO: Oh, good. Are you dead?
KAREN: [NERVOUS] Ha ha ha ha! Good one, Ro-Ro. That's a good one.
ROSARIO: Who are they from?
KAREN: [NERVOUS] Oh, uh, Stan. They're from Stan. Yeah, he likes to celebrate... Tony Roma's birthday.
ROSARIO: Liar! Tony's birthday is in the fall. Come on, give me the card, come here.
KAREN: No! No!
[ROSARIO CHASES KAREN AROUND THE TABLE.]
ROSARIO: Give it to me! Give it to me!
KAREN: No! No!
ROSARIO: Come on.
[KAREN STUFFS THE CARD INTO HER BLOUSE.]
ROSARIO: Lady, don't think I won't go in there.
KAREN: You wouldn't dare.
ROSARIO: Yeah, you're right.
KAREN: [LAUGHS] Well...
[KAREN WALKS AWAY AND ROSARIO GRABS HER FROM BEHIND.]
[ROSARIO SHOVES HER HAND INTO KAREN'S CLEAVAGE FROM BEHIND, AND BEGINS FISHING AROUND KAREN'S BLOUSE FOR THE CARD.]
KAREN: Oh! Oh, oh, oh. No! Stop! Don't! To the right! Ha ha! Pinch it! Stop!
[ROSARIO PULLS OUT THE CARD, AND KAREN GASPS.]
ROSARIO: [READING THE CARD] Who's Lionel Banks?
KAREN: [NERVOUS] Uh, he's the new bass player in my Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band.
KAREN: [HOLDS UP HER HAND LIKE A MICROPHONE AND BEGINS SINGING] Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are--
KAREN: All right! I met him in a bar, he flirted with me. He thought I was a whore. Made me feel... I don't know, special. But it's nothing.
ROSARIO: Then why aren't you wearing your wedding ring?
[KAREN GASPS AND HIDES HER HAND.]
ROSARIO: Are you thinking about cheating with this man? Abandoning Mr. Stan?
[ROSARIO BACKS KAREN INTO THE WALL.]
KAREN: No! Yes! Maybe! I don't know! I--
[THE DOORBELL RINGS.]
ROSARIO: Oh, my P'Zone is here!
[ROSARIO RUNS TO THE DOOR.]
SCENE VIII: Barney's New York Department Store(RUBEN the store manager is talking to JACK.)
RUBEN: Jack, as you may have heard, Dorleen's manager position has become available.
JACK: Yeah, what happened to her?
RUBEN: Rehab. Big fan of the nose candy. Blow, snow, ice. All of it just hoovered right up the snout. Any snootch... [CLEARS THROAT] We're looking for a new floor manager, and Tristan and moi would like to offer it to you.
JACK: Me?! Manager?!
RUBEN: No. Floor manager.
JACK: That's even better. It's a two-word title, like homecoming queen.
SCENE IX: The Waldorf-Astoria Hotel(WILL is under the covers waiting for GRACE to come out of the bathroom.)
WILL: Come on, Grace. How long does it take to get undressed?
GRACE: [FROM THE BATHROOM] Just give me another minute!
WILL: Steal stuff later! We don't need another scale.
[GRACE EXITS, FULLY CLOTHED.]
GRACE: I can't do this.
WILL: Why? What's wrong?
GRACE: Will, you're my best friend. I love you. I love what we have together and...I don't want it to change. Sex changes things. It always does. We'll end up not calling, being awkward together, sleeping with the other person's friends just to spite them. Ok, I might be personalizing on that one. All I'm trying to say is... if we're gonna bring a baby into the world, there can't be any weirdness between us. So, I don't think I can do it this way. Are you mad at me?
WILL: Yeah... maybe a little.
[WILL PULLS BACK THE COVERS. HE IS FULLY DRESSED.]
GRACE: What were you gonna do if I came out of there naked?
WILL: I had it down to two options: vamp or run.
SCENE X: Barney's New York Department Store
(RUBEN and JACK enter Dorleen's old office.)
RUBEN: Here they are, Jack. The keys to your new office.
[RUBEN HANDS JACK THE KEYS.]
JACK: [GASPS] Oh, my god. I've never had my own office before. I will try to honor the legacy of the bipolar blow monkey who had it before me.
RUBEN: Oh, and Jack, uh, you got this message. Something about a voice-over audition this afternoon. You're not really going to do this, are you?
JACK: Absolutely not! Show business is a harsh bitch of a mistress who kicked me in the gut one too many times until I heaved up the regret of a millions yesteryears!
JACK: I quit the biz. My ass belongs to Barney's now.
RUBEN: Smart lady. Enjoy your new office.
JACK: My own orifice. I've arrived.
[JACK BLOWS SOME WHITE POWDER OFF THE DESK MIRROR.]
[JACK TURNS ON THE RADIO AND BEGINS TO PICK UP SOME GARBAGE. HE DANCES AROUND WHILE A CHER SONG PLAYS ON THE RADIO:]
[MUSIC: "When you're standing on the edge of nowhere, there's only one way up. So your heart's gotta go there, and through the darkest nights you see the light shine bright; when heroes fall, in love or war, they live forever. This is a song for the lonely. Can you hear me tonight? I'll be by your side. And this is a song for the lonely--"]
[JACK TRIPS AND HITS THE WALL, FALLING TO THE FLOOR. BOXES FALL ON TOP OF HIM.]
[LATER. JACK SLOWLY WAKES UP.]
[JACK EXITS HIS OFFICE. EVERYTHING IS WHITE AND CLOUDY...]
JACK: Homo, I don't think we're in Barney's anymore. Where am I?
CHER: [VOICE] You're in heaven, Jack.
[CHER DESCENDS A WHITE STAIRCASE.]
JACK: So, are you God?
CHER: It depends on which bathhouse you pray at.
JACK: Oh...my...Cher! You are god! Chastity, Elijah. It all makes sense. Wait a minute. If this is heaven, does that mean I've died?
CHER: Only the entertainer part of you, Jack. That's why I sent for you. The world needs you.
JACK: But I can't go back to performing. I've already broken it to my fan. I'm a retail queen now.
CHER: No, you're not, Jackie. You're the little boy who used to dance naked in front of his mirror. Who grew up and-- and became that sensitive young teenager who danced naked in front of his mirror. And spent way too much time at the gym to become the young man who dances naked in front of his mirror. Don't ever stop dancing, Jack. Don't ever stop dancing. Show business needs you.
JACK: But if it needs me, how come I keep getting rejected?
CHER: You know, don't talk to me about rejection, ok? I mean, look how many times I've gone down in flames. Remember, I lost the Oscar for Moonstruck.
JACK: But you won the Oscar for Moonstruck!
CHER: And don't you forget it. And if that doesn't convince you...
[CHER PUSHES JACK OUT OF THE WAY.]
CHER: Hit it, boys!
[SCANTILY-CLAD ANGELS BEGIN DANCING AS THE MUSIC STARTS AND CHER SINGS]
CHER: [SINGING] This is a different kind of love song, dedicated to everyone. Different kind of love song, Whoa, Whoa, hoh-
JACK: Stop it! Stop it! You're hawking your album during my dream?!
CHER: Well, somebody's gotta pay for the fog and the dancing fairies.
[CHER WALKS BACK TO THE STAIRCASE AND BEGINS CLIMBING.]
CHER: Remember, Jack, follow your bliss. Follow your bliss, Jack. Follow your bliss. Follow your bliss.
JACK: Uh, my bliss is this way. [JACK GRABS ONE OF THE ANGELS AND PULLS HIM TO THE DOOR.]
[CUT TO JACKS OFFICE. JACK IS LYING ON THE FLOOR.]
JACK: [IMITATING CHER] Follow your bliss. Follow your bliss.
[RUBIN OPENS THE OFFICE DOOR.]
RUBEN: Jack. Jack? Wake up!
JACK: What's going... [IMITATING CHER] Ho. Oh.
JACK: [TO RUBEN] What's going on?
RUBEN: Robert just bitch-slapped Terry because he pulled on his weave. [SIGHS] You better get down to women's shoes, pronzo. It's a festival of tears and queers down there.
JACK: I'm sorry, Ruben. No can do.
RUBEN: What? But you're the floor manager.
JACK: Not anymore. I'm a professional actor, and I have a non-union voice-over audition to go to.
[JACK WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE. RUBEN SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.]
SCENE XI: The Waldorf-Astoria Hotel
(GRACE is packing her luggage while WILL sleeps in bed.)
WILL: You know, they charge for the bath robes.
GRACE: Well, just as well. I never would have been able to cram it in there with the VCR and The Bible.
[GRACE TOSSES THE ROBE ASIDE AND CLOSES HER BAG.]
[WILL CRAWLS OUT OF BED, SNORTS, AND PULLS AT THE SEAT OF HIS PANTS.]
GRACE: And to think, I missed a shot in the sack with that.
WILL: Yeah. What are we gonna do about that?
GRACE: Well, if we don't do it today, we'll have to wait another month.
WILL: [SCOFFS] It's so weird that your eggs have an expiration date, you know? [CHUCKLES] They're like... eggs.
GRACE: Anyway, I figured we'd go back to the insemination plan. So, I booked you into the sperm bank at 10:00. We've got an appointment at my gyno's at 12:00. And then, bing, bang, boom, we're pregnant. Actually, not bang; just a bing and a boom.
WILL: So, you're still sure you want to do this?
GRACE: Absolutely. Ok, I know that I was a little freaked out before about waiting for Mr. Right, but it's a fantasy. I mean, what am I waiting for, some guy to ride up on a white horse?
WILL: [IMITATING MR. ED] Grace... Come with me and be my looove.
GRACE: I fantasize about the guy, not the horse.
GRACE: I do want to do this.
WILL: Me, too. But if we're gonna do this insemination thing again, we gotta stick together for the whole day. No getting separated.
GRACE: Good plan.
WILL: All right. I'm gonna take a shower.
GRACE: I'm coming with you.
[GRACE FOLLOWS WILL TO THE BATHROOM. WILL TURNS AROUND.]
WILL: I think I can take a shower by myself.
GRACE: Ok, but... while you're in there, just don't... you know...
WILL: What are you talking about?
GRACE: [SIGHS] There's a handheld shower with a pulsating head. Don't make me say it--
GRACE: What? I don't want to lose your best swimmers down the drain.
WILL: I think I have enough self-control for one shower.
GRACE: [QUIETLY] I didn't.
WILL: [DISGUSTED] Oh!
SCENE XII: A Cab
(WILL and GRACE climb into a cab to ride to the Sperm Bank.)
GRACE: [TO THE CAB DRIVER] 72nd and Columbus, and hurry, we're late. And I'm ovulating. [TO WILL] What took you so long to fill the cup?
WILL: I don't know. Maybe it was the fact that you were on the other side of the door yelling "hurry!" the whole time.
GRACE: Hey, it was in a masculine voice. [MANLY] Hurry!
WILL: Wow. Somebody get me another cup.
GRACE: Ok, let's do a final check. You've got the stuff, I've got the place to put it, and two Kit Kat bars for energy. We're good to go.
WILL: Yeah. Nothing can go wrong now.
GRACE: What did you just say?
WILL: I said, "nothing can go wrong."
GRACE: I can't believe you just said that! You put a ken ayina hora on it!
WILL: What did you just say?
GRACE: You put a ken ayina hora on it. A Jewish jinx. You jinxed it. Quick, quick. Knock on wood. [SPITTING] Ptoo! Ptoo!
WILL: Don't. You're-- you're spitting on me!
GRACE: [TO THE CABBIE] Hey, cabbie, you wouldn't happen to have the guts of a young chicken and some kosher salt?
CABBIE: Does it have to be kosher?
GRACE: [SIGHS] All right, that's it. We gotta get another cab. [TO THE CABBIE] Pull over.
WILL: What are you talking about?
GRACE: I'm not driving to our fertilization in a jinxed cab.
WILL: What, does the next one have to be driven by a rabbi?
GRACE: It wouldn't hurt. Come on, come on.
WILL: No, I--
GRACE: Out, out...
[GRACE PUSHES WILL OUT OF THE CAB]
WILL: Grace, this is--
SCENE XIII: A Hotel Bar
(KAREN is sitting in the bar. SMITTY the bartender gives her a drink.)
KAREN: Ah, Smitty... I'm about to break the heart of a lovely man whose only crime is wanting to get in my pants. Come on. Give me something to smile about.
SMITTY: Well, I'm not sure I can do that, ma'am. You see, I'm getting laid off. Today's my last day, and I have seven kids to feed.
KAREN: [LAUGHS AND GIGGLES] Not as good as the wife one, but-- but still... Pretty damn funny.
[LIONEL BANKS ENTERS.]
LIONEL: [TO KAREN] Ahh, Ms. Beaverhousen. I came as soon as you called.
KAREN: Oh, well... that's really none of my business, but I'm glad you could make it.
LIONEL: I'm going to cut right to the chase. I got us the Presidential Suite. The bed is turned, the bath is drawn, and there's a handy Filipino fellow ready to attend to whatever needs that I can't meet. Shall we? [LIONEL HOLDS OUT HIS HAND TO KAREN.]
KAREN: Ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah. I didn't come here for a rendezvous. I came here to tell you something. [SIGHS] When I said before that I wasn't married... I was lying. I am married.
LIONEL: Well, I appreciate your honesty. And now, I'm going to be honest with you. I don't care.
KAREN: Huh? B--? What?
LIONEL: Here's the key to the room. [LIONEL HANDS KAREN HIS ROOM KEY.]
LIONEL: If you're not there in five minutes, I'm going to commence with what my house boy calls "the manila folder." I hope I see you.
KAREN: Hmm. Hmm.
[KAREN LOOKS AT THE DOOR...]
SCENE XIV: A Cab
(WILL and GRACE are riding in a new cab on their way to the Sperm Bank.)
GRACE: [SIGHS] Thank God we got out of that jinxed cab. Nothing can go wrong now.
[THE CAB CRASHES INTO THE CAR AHEAD.]
GRACE: Damn it! I ken ayina hora-ed myself!
WILL: We're gonna miss our appointment!
GRACE: Ok, look, it's right across the park. I can run for it. Give me the bag, quick.
WILL: No, I'll run. I'm faster.
GRACE: If you get there with the sperm, where are they gonna put it?
WILL: You take the bag.
[WILL HANDS GRACE THE BAG AND SHE TAKES OFF.]
[WILL STARTS OUT AFTER HER.]
CABBIE: Hey, wait, wait, wait! None's going anywhere till I get paid.
WILL: I don't have to pay you. You crashed!
CABBIE: Just give me half.
WILL: I'm not giving you anything!
CABBIE: Come on, haggle with me!
[CUT TO THE PARK. JACK RUNS PAST GRACE.]
JACK: Hi, Grace.
GRACE: Hi, Jack.
JACK: Going to my audition.
GRACE: Going to make a baby.
JACK: Good luck.
GRACE: Good luck to you, too.
[GRACE SLAMS INTO A LAMP POST AND COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND.]
[CUT TO THE SPERM BANK. WILL AND SHEILA THE NURSE ARE WAITING FOR GRACE.]
NURSE: We're about to close. Where's your girlfriend? I'd like to fill her to the rim with him and catch the bus to Atlantic City.
WILL: I bet you write poetry, don't you? Look, she's gonna be here any minute.
[CUT TO THE PARK. GRACE SLOWLY AWAKENS. SHE LOOKS UP TO SEE A MAN ON A WHITE HORSE, HOLDING OUT HIS HAND TO HELP HER UP.]
[CUT TO KAREN IN THE BAR. SHE LOOKS AT THE KEY AND AT THE DOOR.]
[CUT TO THE SPERM BANK. WILL LOOKS AT HIS WATCH AND SIGHS.]
[CUT TO JACK'S AUDITION.]
JACK: [IMITATING AN ANNOUNCER] What happens? Find out this fall on the next exciting episode of--
MAN: Stop, stop. Uh, Mr. McFarland, what's with the voice?
JACK: [IMITATING ANNOUNCER] This is how an announcer talks.
MAN: Ok, we'll call you.
JACK: Yes! Oh, my god. This is so exciting!