Original Airdate 5/9/2002
Written by David Kohan & Max Mutchnick
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is looking through the movie page with KAREN and JACK.)
GRACE: Ok... What do you wanna see?
KAREN: Mmm, how 'bout something French, like with two girls kissing?
GRACE: No, nothing with subtitles. It's my day off. I don't feel likereading.
GRACE: Hey, sweetie. We're thinking about going to a movie. What do youwanna see?
WILL: Anything but a documentary. It's my day off. I don't wanna learn.
GRACE: What's up with the wine?
WILL: Mrs. Friedman from downstairs gave it to me. It's actually a wonderful story. She and her husband were saving it for a special occasion, but then he, uh, died before they had a chance to open it, so she gave it to me and said, "Make your own special occasion." I guess that story's not so much wonderful as it is incredibly sad.
KAREN: You know what else is incredibly sad? Poor people with big dreams. [JACK NODS]
KAREN: Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny. [JACK AND KAREN LAUGH]
WILL: You know, we should do this. We should save that wine for a special occasion. You know, something where-- where the four of us have all done something that we're incredibly proud of. You know, we can wait 20 years if we have to. Ah, screw it. Open it. I wanna have a buzz for the movies.
GRACE: One step ahead of you. I never gave a crap about Mr. Friedman.
JACK: You know... I hope I don't have any regrets like that when I'm 75.
WILL: I know. How do you deal with it, Karen?
KAREN: Oh! Oh, Wilma. I have so much money.
GRACE: You know the one thing I really wanna do before i die? Run themarathon. It would be such a feeling of accomplishment. Mile one, down. Mile 2, down. Mile 3, down. Mile 4, down--
KAREN: All right!
JACK: Oh, for heaven's sakes!
WILL: We get it, we get it, we get it!
JACK: You know what I've always wanted to do? Perform... on the Broadway stage. The make up, the wigs, the costumes. And then I'd walk to the theater.
KAREN: You know... there is something I've been putting off for a long time. And I've avoided it because... well, frankly, it scares me a little. I'm supposed to have a conjugal visit with Stan.
GRACE: You know what? We should do all of these things.
KAREN: Oh, come on, honey, that's easy for you to say. All you gotta do is run a lousy marathon. Stan weighs 5,000 pounds. It's 26 miles just circling him!
GRACE: No, I'm serious. I'm tired of talking about it all the time. I am going to train for the marathon, and I am going to do it.
JACK: You know what, G? I'm gonna audition for a Broadway play, because if I can't make it there, I can't make it anyplace.
KAREN: Hey! I'm gonna boink my fat husband in prison.
WILL: Well, I need to drink to that.
JACK: Come on, Kar. What do you think we should get, facials or colonics?
KAREN: Mmm, I don't know. Let's flip a coin for it. Heads or tails? Ha ha ha! So long!
[JACK AND KAREN EXIT.]
GRACE: Ah... well, you've been a little quiet. Isn't there something you wanna do before it's too late?
WILL: Well, there's something. I... wanna have a baby, you know, I... I wanna have a child.
GRACE: And you should someday. You're gonna make a terrific father.[GRACE TAKES A DRINK OF WINE.]
WILL: Yeah. But I wanna do it now. And I wanna do it with you.
[GRACE SPRAYS HER WINE ALL OVER.]
SCENE II: A Therapist's Office
(WILL and GRACE are sitting on the couch in front of a therapist.)
WILL: Ahem. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Heh. I guess you're one of those therapists that likes us to start.
GRACE: [UNDER HER BREATH] I hate that. [TO THE THERAPIST] I mean, I--I don't hate you, just your methods. I don't know you well enough to hate you. Not to suggest that if I did know you I would hate you, but I guess it is always a possibility. I mean, if you said something hateful, I--
WILL: $4.00 a minute, Grace.
GRACE: Ok. Let me just get you up to speed. Um... [POINTS TO WILL] Gay. [POINTS TO HERSELF] Straight. [TO WILL] Gentile. [TO HERSELF] Jew. [TO WILL] 36. [TO HERSELF] 29.
GRACE: [POINTS TO WILL] 24.
WILL: Sold. W-w-we...[SIGHS] We've been best friends for, like, 15 years, and we've always said that one day we'd have a baby together. And I wanna do it now, and she's not so sure, and... ever since I brought it up, she's been avoiding me, and we've been having stupid fights.
GRACE: I haven't been avoiding you.
WILL: You have, too! I--I--I come in the room, and you scurry behind the couch like a silverfish.
GRACE: Do you have to go to the anti-Semitic place?
WILL: What are you talking about?
GRACE: Silver fish? Silverberg? Gefilte fish? We get it.
WILL: You see, this would be one of the stupid fights.
SCENE III: The Brooklyn House of Detention for Men, Conjugal Visit Room
(KAREN is waiting in the conjugal visit room for Stanley. There is a bed in the middle of the room. She has a basket of lunch meats on the table. KAREN is talking on her cell phone to Rosario.)
KAREN: [INTO THE PHONE] Rosie, hi. Listen to this. They don't even let you turn the lights out. I can't have sex with Stan if I can see him! How am I supposed to have a conjugal watchin' that con jiggle?! [BEAT] Yeah. Ok. Thanks, honey. See you back at the mans. [KAREN HANGS UP.]
KAREN: [SINGING] I'm in the nude for love. Scooba da boo, salami...
[KAREN RUBS A SLICE OF SALAMI ON HER NECK.]
KAREN: [SINGING] Whoo badda doo, di ba whee...
KAREN: Just in case he forgets his way. [KAREN TOSSES SOME SALAMI ONTO THE BED.]
[A MECHANICAL WHIRRING SOUND STARTLES KAREN. SHE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM.]
KAREN: What the...? Wha...
[KAREN NOTICES A SECURITY CAMERA ON THE WALL.]
KAREN: [GASPS] A security camera?! Oh, I cannot believe this! Oh, whatever happened to privacy? I am outraged. I'm appalled! I'm... I'm turned on! Hey, whoo! Whoo! Ohh, yeah! Ha ha ha! Whoo!
SCENE III: Broadway Auditions
(JACK is on-stage for an audition. A piano intro plays and JACK does some dance moves.)
JACK: [POSING] Hot jazz! What's that you say? Sure, he can dance, but can he sing?
JACK: [SINGING OFF-KEY] Maria. I just met a [MAKES QUOTES WITH HIS FINGERS] "girl" named Maria, and suddenly I've found how wonderful a sound can be. "Maria," say--
[A RED LIGHT OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE BEGINS FLASHING.]
JACK: [POINTING AT THE LIGHT] All right, what does that mean right there? What's going on there? 'Cause that's in my sightline, ok? You know, um, when they flash the red light at the duplex, that means they want the guy to get off the stage! [LAUGHS, THEN REALIZES] Oh, no, I'm not leaving. No, I'm not getting off this stage. I--I--I'm gonna read for your play, and do you know why? Because I want it to be a runaway hit! Hey! Hey! You don't even know who I am! You don't even know what I can offer! Why, I could--I could be the next Sir Judi Dench or Dame Ian McKellen! Do you really wanna be known as the producers who passed that up?
[THE RED LIGHT TURNS OFF.]
JACK: Oh, my god, it totally worked.
SCENE IV: The Therapist's Office
(WILL and GRACE are talking while the therapist sits quietly.)
GRACE: Ok, look. Um... I don't know if I'm ready for this. I mean, there's a lot of things I wanna do with my life, and I don't know if I can do it with a baby. I wanna travel the world. Anywhere. Everywhere. You know, as long as it's clean and they speak English and it's safe.
WILL: You've just narrowed your world travel plans down to Denver. Grace... what is the problem? What are you--what are you doing here? We've always talked about doing this.
GRACE: I know--
WILL: And you're always making us stop in front of baby gap to go, "aw!" at the little high tops.
GRACE: And the-- and the little baby backpacks! [GIGGLES] I mean, why would a baby need a backpack?
WILL: [LAUGHS] Maybe to carry stuff to his homies' cribs.
WILL: I don't know! Let's just have a baby and find out. Come on, what's holding you back?
GRACE: I don't know. It's just-- what? I--I guess a part of me does wanna have a baby, but...
WILL: Grace, it's me. If there's something you wanna say, just say it.
GRACE: I'm just not sure I wanna do it with you.
WILL: What are you... What do you mean, you don't wanna do it with me? For years we've talked about how we're gonna do this! When my--when my friend Claire wanted my sperm so she could have a baby, you said no because it was your sperm! You practically planted a flag in my testicles!
GRACE: Well, that's because it is my sperm. But it's my safety sperm. You know, like the safety school? You--you apply to college, and it's the one school you know you're gonna get into just in case everything else falls through.
WILL: You're saying my sperm is Florida State?
GRACE: Look, it--it was a fallback position. It was always the thing that I was gonna do if I didn't find Mr. Right, and... I'm just not sure that I'm ready to give up on that yet.
WILL: Yeah, well, you know, you're probably right. I mean, just 'cause it didn't work out with Danny or Nathan or Josh or Ben or Bill or Mark or Six-Toe or Unibrow... doesn't mean it won't work out with that pizza guy you've been eyeing. I'm sure you two will be very happy together, you know, with your three beautiful children: Pepperoni, Mushroom, and Extra Cheese.
GRACE: That was mean. You know, this is all very easy for you. I have the kid. You're a dad. You're happy. But who am I in all this? The mom of my gay roommate's baby? That's not exactly the family I dreamed of.
WILL: Well, you--you think this is my dream? I never thought I'd have a child this way! I assumed I'd be with a guy! You know... [SHRUGS] Rick, and six years into the relationship, when we got tired of running a bed and breakfast in Vermont, we'd decide to have a family.
GRACE: Ok, well, what about Rick? Where is Rick? Is he in the TV room where you spend every Saturday night? Does he appear on the gay channel that you added and don't think I know about? I mean, you sat here, and you listed my--my failures! At least I have failures to list! At least I tried! You haven't had a serious relationship in five years!
WILL: No, I haven't!
GRACE: Well, then maybe you need to ask yourself why you want this baby. Is it because you are so full of love? And there's no one in your life? And so now you wanna make a little guy or girl to give it to?
WILL: So what? Isn't that a perfectly good reason to have a baby? I mean, isn't it? [TO THE THERAPIST] Isn't it? [TO HIMSELF] It isn't, is it?
SCENE V: The Brooklyn House of Detention, Conjugal Room
(KAREN is talking to the security camera, waiting for Stanley.)
KAREN: [TO THE CAMERA] So you're really going to watch us have sex? Well, honey, it isn't going to be pretty. The good news is, it isn't going to be long either. And it should be pretty quick, too. [LAUGHS] Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha... I like you.
[A TELEPHONE RINGS]
KAREN: Oh! [ANSWERING THE PHONE] Stanley? Hi, sweetheart. Oh, I know, it's been so long. I can't wait to run up and throw my arms two-thirds of the way around you. So come on-- [BEAT] What? What do you mean you're not coming? What happened? [BEAT] You son of a bitch. How could you do this to me?
[KAREN HANGS UP AND COMPOSES HERSELF.]
KAREN: [TO THE CAMERA] Well, it's been fun, cammie, but I'm outta here. Yeah. The bastard used his library time to do a little insider trading. They found out, now he's going to be in for a lot longer. Hmm. Why couldn't he use his library time to read the Bible, or expose himself to the newbies like the rest of the boys on Cellblock Fat?
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS]
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] What?! No, you listen. I've been putting on a brave face for eight months... well, eight months ago in Brazil I had one put on. Ha ha. But do you think this has been easy for me? Well, it hasn't. But I thought you were getting out soon, so I held on… so that we could start our lives over. And then you go and do this. Boy, you screwed up, Stan. No, I don't-- no, I don't know if I can forgive you. And I'll tell you something else, Mr. Walker... I'm tired, and I don't know if I can do this anymore.
[KAREN HANGS UP. SHE GATHERS UP HER STUFF AND STARTS TO EXIT. SHE STOPS AND TURNS AROUND.]
KAREN: [TO THE CAMERA] Did you know about this? [THE CAMERA "NODS".]
KAREN: [TO THE CAMERA] And you didn’t tell me. [THE CAMERA SHAKES.]
KAREN: [TO THE CAMERA] You should be ashamed of yourself. [THE CAMERA POINTS DOWN.]
SCENE VI: The Therapist's Office
(WILL and GRACE are talking while the therapist sits quietly.)
WILL: [SIGHS] I guess I just got caught up in the romantic notion of what it would be like to have a baby with her, you know? I mean, you'd be all gorgeous and pregnant and glowing and booby. [CHUCKLES] You know, and... when you had the baby, I'd be in the delivery room. When you were pushing and screaming at me to rot in hell, I would. And we'd raise him with the values that were important to us. Respect for other people's opinions... except for, you know, ones that were different than ours. On his first date with a girl--or a boy, Heh. Or if it's a girl, a boy... or a girl, we'd be home, all nervous and waiting, but acting like we weren't. Then one day, when he went off to college, we'd wave good-bye and... look at each other and say, "You know what? We did a good job."
GRACE: [CRYING] I want to have a baby with you!
SCENE VII: Broadway Auditions
(JACK is on-stage with a script.)
JACK: Let's see.
[JACK FLIPS THROUGH THE SCRIPT. HE BEGINS CHATTERING HIS TEETH AND OVERACTING BEING COLD.]
JACK: Ahem. [READING BADLY] "Please, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, I'm begging you. I can't stand out here any longer in this unbearable-- [FLIPS THE PAGE]
JACK: [READING] "heat." Oh... it's hot. [BEGINS FANNING HIMSELF] "We need food or else I fear my family will perish, and my harp will break." Oh. Oh, "heart." [LAUGHS] "My heart will break." I said, "harp will break." Did you hear that? [LAUGHS] Harp! [IMITATES A HARP] Bblllingg. Bing! [LAUGHS] Harp! [LAUGHS]
JACK: Ok. Ahem. Where was I? Let's see. Ok. Ahem. [READING] "Deirdre's got no milk for the wee one, and the oldest girl is dead." Harp! I can't believe I said harp! [LAUGHS] That is the funniest... I thought the "P" was a "T". That's so funny.
JACK: Ok...ok, wait. [READING FLATLY] "So please, I'm begging you, it's only a loaf of bread to you, but for us, it's life."
JACK: Let me--let me try that again. [READING OVER-ACTED] "It's only a loaf of bread to you...it's only a loaf of bread... It's only..."
JACK: I'm just going to stop. [SIGHS] Ok. I just... it's just, um... This isn't... It's me. I'm not good, am I? Wait, don't answer that, I already know. All these years... everybody keeps telling me. Thanks for your time, though. You can, um, put your red light on now, 'cause I--I'm done... with all of this. I'm not an actor. Really, it's ok. You can turn it on.
[THE RED LIGHT BEGINS BLINKING.]
JACK: [QUIETLY TO HIMSELF] And scene.
[JACK SLOWLY WALKS OFF STAGE.]
SCENE VIII: The Therapist's Office
(WILL and GRACE are talking while the therapist sits quietly.)
WILL: I can't... I, uh... I'm so confused. You--you want to have a baby now?
GRACE: I do. Do you?
WILL: I don't!
GRACE: What? But the reason we're here is because you wanted to have a baby.
WILL: I did, but then you talked me out of it.
GRACE: But then you talked me into it with all your talk about talking me out of it.
WILL: But you haven't talked me back into it with all your talk of--of--of--of-- Talk me back into it!
GRACE: Oh, this is ridiculous. We don't sound like two people who should be having a child. [SIGHS]
GRACE: This is something we should be sure of. [SIGHS]
WILL: Yeah. You're right. I mean, it's... it's not like super-sizing a happy meal.
GRACE: Yeah, 'cause that's always a yes. [SIGHS] Will, we can do this.
WILL: I don't see how I can. I mean, what if-- w-w-what if I am doing this for all the wrong reasons?
GRACE: What difference does it make what your reasons are for wanting to love a child? Isn't the most important thing the love part? And as far as I'm concerned, if Mr. Right and the father of my child turns out to be two different people, would that be so bad?
WILL: We got a million reasons not to do this, but I... I just keep imagining this kid in some cosmic waiting room... and he's our kid. And I'd really like to meet him.
GRACE: Me, too.
WILL: Are we doing this? I mean, are we going to have a baby?
GRACE: Oh, my god, I guess we are!
[WILL AND GRACE HUG EACH OTHER AND KISS.]
WILL: Oh, god...
GRACE: Well, we have two minutes left. [LAUGHS] Is there anything we haven't covered? [LAUGHS]
WILL: I don't know. After something that huge, it's kind of hard to, uh... She never cleans up, and it really bugs me.
GRACE: It's just a response to his compulsiveness. Everything in the refrigerator has to face forward.
WILL: How else are you going to know what it is, huh?
WILL AND GRACE [TOGETHER]: [TO THE THERAPIST] Say something!