Original Airdate 4/4/2002
Teleplay by Tracy Poust & Jon Kinnally
Story by Sally Bradford
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Eileen Brennan (Zandra)
Steve Paymer (Steve)
Peter Mackenzie (Mean Guy)
Tom Poston (Norman)
Melissa Russell (Actress)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is in the kitchen cooking when GRACE enters from her bedroom in her pajamas.)
GRACE: Oh, hey, you're back. Wow. You missed one hell of a night.
WILL: Yeah? What'd you do-- Watch "Providence," take a couple of antihistamines?
GRACE: [SIGHS] And a glass of chardonnay with an ice cube.
GRACE: It was like spring break for shut-ins. How'd it go with your parents?
WILL: Well, I thought I was gonna be sad, you know, going back to the house... dealing with the reality of their separation, but you know what? It actually turned out to be fairly devastating.
GRACE: Oh, I'm sorry. [GRACE GIVES WILL A KISS ON THE CHEEK.]
WILL: [SIGHS] Yeah, they've put the house on the market, so they told us kids just to take anything that really means something to us.
GRACE: Boy, I can't imagine doing that in my parent's house. Mainly because I've already stolen everything I liked and everything else is crap.
WILL: Well, I had to fight for it, but I got something I love.
GRACE: Oh, good.
[WILL PICKS UP A HIDEOUS CERMANIC GNOME AND PUTS IT ON THE TABLE.]
GRACE: Well, hopefully it Will be a reminder of all the good times that you and your family-- [GRACE FINALLY SEES THE GNOME AND SCREAMS] Aah! What the hell is that freaky thing?!
WILL: His name's Squatsie. When I was nine, my brothers and I all chipped in and got him for my parent's anniversary. Even though he wasn't really their taste, they loved us so much they put him right in the front garden where everybody could see him.
GRACE: Oh, that's sweet. Do you think it'll fit down the chute, or should we just take it to the dumpster?
WILL: Ok, I knew when I brought a gnome into this house, that some would scoff, but I love him! We have been through a lot together. Haven't we, Squatsie?
WILL: [IN A SCOTTISH BROGUE AS 'SQUATSIE'] Right you are, Will. You've always had a special place in me heart!
GRACE: Oh, good. He talks, too.
WILL: [NORMAL VOICE] And I think I see the perfect place for him.
[WILL PUTS SQUASTIE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COFFEE TABLE IN THE LIVING ROOM.]
WILL: Huh? what do you think, Squats?
WILL: [SCOTTISH BROGUE] Oh, I like it here, Will.
GRACE: Um, may I offer one Squatsie-related thought? Um, he strikes me as an outdoor gnome. I mean, 'cause, look, he's already wearing a jacket. Why don't we... keep him in our garden?
WILL: What? That community garden plot across the street? I thought we got rid of that two years ago.
GRACE: Eh, there was this big form you had to fill out. It was less work just to pay the bill.
WILL: Once again your sloth pays off. You know, this is a great idea. I used to sit in the garden and look at my gnome, and look at the flowers, sing songs. Thinking about falling in love some day. I even used to make wishes on him. Heh heh.
GRACE: Did you wish to be gay? Because that one really came true.
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(NORMAN, an old friend of Stanley Walker, is asking KAREN for help.)
NORMAN: And, Karen, you know I wouldn't be asking for your help if I didn't feel we were like family. I mean, God, all we've been through.
KAREN: Oh, I know, honey. You don't have to remind me.
NORMAN: Well, you know our history together-- Those summers we spent in Sag Harbor, you and Stan, me and Lorraine.
KAREN: Oh, Lorraine. Hmm. Good times. I'm sorry. I have no idea who you are.
KAREN: Keep going.
NORMAN: Stan's old partner. We started the mattress store together.
KAREN: Mattress store...
NORMAN: Remember? Then he wanted to branch out into other businesses, but I said, no, I'll just not take any chances. So now I've got the one little store, and he's worth hundreds of millions of dollars.
KAREN: Schmucky Norman! Of course!
NORMAN: I need your help. We're getting killed by the big guys, and I need the money to make a T.V. commercial.
JACK: [ENTERS] Karen! Huge news! [TO NORMAN] Hello, sir. [TO KAREN] I just got back from my acting class, and my teacher -- Zandra-with-a-"Z" -- said my monologue was the second worst she's ever seen. You hear that? I'm getting better.
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, give me a minute, ok? I'm catching up here with my dear old friend...
KAREN: Norman! Norman. Norman, right. [TO NORMAN] Listen, honey, since it means something to Stan, I'll throw a few shekels your way. What kind of commercial are we talking?
NORMAN: Oh, something simple for local cable, and because the store is called "Seņor Mattress," I could be lying on one of the high-end posturepedics wearing a sombrero, and Lorraine could come in all sexy and cootchie-cootchie and--
KAREN: Honey, honey, I'm gonna stop you right there, otherwise I'll never be able to drink solid foods again. I think we're gonna need a real actor.
[JACK PULLS OUT A HEAD SHOT FROM HIS JACK AND HOLDS IT IN FRONT OF HIM.]
NORMAN: Yeah, well, let's see.
KAREN: Why don't you run on home, and we'll talk in a couple of days, ok?
NORMAN: Oh, thank you, Karen. I appreciate it.
KAREN: Good-bye, uh... uh...
NORMAN: [FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR] Norman!
KAREN: Norman! [TO JACK] Whoo! Honey, we're having auditions again, so break out the rulers, and I'll heat up the oils. Ha ha!
JACK: No! Karen, what about me?! I could star in your commercial! [JACK WAVES HIS HEAD SHOT IN FRONT OF KAREN.]
JACK: I'm an actor! Do I need to remind you I almost just got that part in Seven Grooms for Seven Brothers? Till that damn 15th guy showed up.
KAREN: Honey, this is not some trashy downtown skit where you flit around in tights performing for homeless men in cardboard RVs. We need a virile, hunky, straight actor.
JACK: Uh, hello! I could totally play straight!
KAREN: Oh, honey, no one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutch purse on Tony night. You fell out of the gay tree hitting every gay branch on the way down. And you landed on a gay guy. And you did him. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space. Why, you're so gay that--
[JACK GRABS KAREN, DIPS HER AND KISSES HER.]
KAREN: And will you be needing your own trailer?
SCENE III: The Community Garden Plot
(WILL's friend STEVE is showing WILL where his garden plot is.)
WILL: Steve, I'm sorry we haven't been here in a while. We meant to. it's just that you know how life gets busy and exciting and gardening sort of gets pushed to the bottom of the list.
STEVE: I wouldn't know. This is all I have.
WILL: So which plot's ours?
STEVE: Right here. [POINTS] Ta-da!
[THEIR GARDEN PLOT IS MOSTLY SAND, AND HAS A DEAD PLANT IN IT, A SMALL BUSH, AND SOME WEEDS.]
WILL: Wow. Well, our sun-dried tomatoes came in.
STEVE: I guess it's funny that you killed everything.
[GRACE ENTERS THE GARDEN, DECKED OUT IN A FANCY GARDENING OUTFIT.]
GRACE: Ok... I may have gone a little overboard, but I figure we can afford it because of all the money we're gonna save growing our own food.
WILL: Well, you don't eat vegetables, so unless we can grow a Ring-Ding bush, I really don't see that happening. Come on. Dig in. I want to make it pretty for Squatsie.
GRACE: Yeah, let's get in there and start making things grow. But I'm gonna do it from over here, because I don't want to get my new gardening clothes dirty.
[GRACE BENDS DOWN AND PUSHES AT THE DIRT.]
WILL: Grace, come here, you wuss.
[WILL PULLS GRACE DOWN AND SHE FALLS FACE FIRST INTO THE BUSH.]
WILL: Get your fingers in the earth. Connect with nature. It's almost spiritual, really. [JUMPS UP] Aah! A worm! A worm!
GRACE: [JUMPS UP] Kill it! Kill it!
WILL: [PICKS UP THE WORM AND THROWS IT] Yuh!
[THE WORM LANDS IN A NEARBY PLOT WHERE A MAN IS WORKING.]
MEAN GUY: Hey! Hey, what are you doing getting dirt all over my prize-winning lettuce?!
WILL: I'm sorry. We just had a really close call with a worm the size of a--a really small snake.
GRACE: Hi, I'm Grace. This is Will.
MEAN GUY: [ANGRY] You know what? Let's get one thing straight, ok? I come here to be alone, not to socialize with a couple of freaks growing hippie spinach. So keep your crap off my plot, and we'll get along fine. Capisce?
WILL: Did he just say, "capisce"?
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, JACK, and KAREN are watching TV, waiting for the Seņor Mattress commercial.)
[KAREN IS HUMMING ALONG TO THE "MATCH GAME" THEME SONG.]
KAREN: Whee! Ha ha ha! Oh, I love the Game Show Network. Hmm...
GRACE: Jack, when is your commercial gonna be on? You've already made us sit through eight episodes of "Match Game 73."
WILL: If I have to watch one more, I'm gonna "blank" in my shorts.
JACK: Oh, wait! Here it is! Here it is!
[ON TV: NORMAN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A BED. JACK AND AN ACTRESS ARE IN THE BED.]
NORMAN: [ON TV] Has this ever happened to you?
JACK: [ON TV] Honey, are you awake?
ACTRESS: [ON TV] Of course I'm awake. I haven't slept in weeks.
JACK: [ON TV] Well, do you wanna--
ACTRESS: [ON TV] No! I'm tired, and I'm irritable.
JACK: [ON TV] You're always tired and irritable. I'm a man. I have needs.
ACTRESS: [ON TV] I don't care. Until we get a new mattress, you're not gonna lay a hand on me.
JACK: [ON TV] Isn't there anyone out there who can help me?
GRACE: [TO THE TV] Why don't you just pop in the shower and help yourself?
JACK: Shh! Shh!
NORMAN: [ON TV] So come on down to Seņor Mattress. And I'll take care of all your needs.
[ON TV: JACK KISSES THE WOMAN AND GIVES A THUMBS UP.]
JACK: [ON TV] Muchos gracias, Seņor Mattress. [A BABY IS TOSSED TO JACK] Gracias for everything!
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, that was really moving. You know, I think I got a little misty... Down there.
GRACE: Oh! We should get going if we want to do some gardening.
WILL: Ok, let me just grab my hoe, and I'll be ready.
[WILL TAKES GRACE'S HAND AND LEADS HER TO THE DOOR.]
WILL: I'm ready.
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT, LEAVING JACK AND KAREN IN THEIR APARTMENT.]
KAREN: Honey, you were right. You were totally convincing as a hetero.
JACK: I was, wasn't I?
KAREN: Mm-hmm. And guess what? I got a little surprise for you. Your first check, and, no, your eyes are not deceiving you. Those are two zeroes after that "1."
KAREN: And listen to this. For your next commercial, that "one" is going to become a "two," and that second zero will disappear. Ok?
JACK: A second commercial? I don't think I can do that, Karen.
KAREN: Huh? Huh? What? Gin?!
JACK: I-- I think I made an awful mistake. I was so convincing as a hetero. Now no one will ever cast me as gay.
KAREN: What in the hell are you talking about?
JACK: I'm typecast! Pigeon-chested! Corn-holed! Now I'll never get a chance to play the gay romantic lead in a Hollywood blockbuster movie. Or the gay general leading his gay troops into battle. And you can kiss my gay action hero franchise good-bye. No ornery black police captain Will ever say to me, [IN A DEEP VOICE] You a loose cannon, Bruce. Turn in your badge and your chaps and get your gay ass out of my precinct.
KAREN: Ok. All righty. I think I see what's happening here. [SIGHS] And, uh, here's what I'm gonna do. For your next commercial I'm gonna put a "three" in front of that zero, ok? That's 30 dollars. 30 Canadian dollars.
JACK: No! There's not gonna be a next commercial! And if you were any kind of friend, you'd pull that one off the air!
KAREN: Ok. Uh, I'm gonna tell you what I told Stan yesterday in prison... I ain't pullin' nothin'. Since we started running that ad, mattress sales have doubled... To five! So you're gonna keep hawkin' those beds, and you're gonna like it!
JACK: Forget it! I quit!
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR.]
JACK: Oh, look! My ride's here, and it's a huff! I believe I'll leave in it!
[JACK STORMS ACROSS THE HALL TO HIS APARTMENT.]
SCENE V: The Garden Plot
(WILL and GRACE are working in their garden. There are a ton of bugs flying and buzzing around. Squatsie is standing on a little pedastal.)
WILL: [SWATTING] Aah! God, these bugs!
MEAN GUY: Hey! Lock the gate when you leave! Last night you dinks left it open. I don't want anyone swiping my prize-winning lettuce. And your stinking dwarf is ruining the view from my garden. Lose it!
WILL: That guy is so mean!
GRACE: Just forget about him, Will. You know, what does that guy know about sentimental attachments?
[GRACE SMACKS HER ARM AND THEN SMACKS WILL'S ARM.]
GRACE: Sorry. There were two of them.
[WILL SMACKS GRACE'S ARM.]
GRACE: Ow! Thanks. Did you get it?
WILL: Get what?
[A BUG FLIES AROUND WILL'S FACE AND HE SWATS AROUND AND FINALLY STANDS UP.]
WILL: Oh! This-- This is driving me crazy. I'm gonna go get some bug spray. You want anything?
GRACE: Bactine and a Dove Bar.
WILL: [TO SQUATSIE] I'll see you later, Squatsie.
WILL: [SCOTTISH BROGUE] I'll count the moments till you come back, Will.
[GRACE PICKS UP THE SHOVEL AND BEGINS TURNING THE DIRT. BUGS FLY IN HER FACE AND HAIR.]
GRACE: Get away!
[GRACE SWATS AT THE BUGS AND SWINGS THE SHOVEL AND IT HITS SQUATSIE, SMASHING THE UGLY GNOME INTO A BILLION PIECES. GRACE GASPS.]
GRACE: Got 'em...
[WILL RETURNS. GRACE STANDS IN FRONT OF SQUATSIE'S PEDASTAL SO WILL CAN'T SEE.]
GRACE: Will, I have some bad news.
WILL: What? That outfit isn't returnable?
GRACE: No, it's really bad.
WILL: So bad that, uh, even a Dove Bar won't help? [WILL HOLDS OUT A DOVE BAR.]
GRACE: I'm afraid so.
[GRACE SLOWLY TAKES THE DOVE BAR AND PUTS IT INTO HER APRON POCKET.]
WILL: What is it?
[GRACE STEPS ASIDE AND WILL SEES THE SQUATSIE PIECES.]
WILL: Aah! Oh, my God!
GRACE: Ok, look, I know you're upset--
WILL: How did this happen?
GRACE: Will, I--
WILL: Was-- Was it him?! Was it that mean guy that told us to lose it?!
GRACE: Oh, this is so hard for me to say, but... Yes. Yes, it was.
SCENE VI: A Coffee House
(JACK is waiting at the counter for his acting coach, ZANDRA.)
JACK: [WAVING] Oh, Zandra, over here.
JACK: [TO THE COUNTER EMPLOYEE] Zandra Zoggin, acting teacher extraordinario-- Class is full, don't bother asking!
JACK: [TO ZANDRA] Zandra, please sit down right here.
[JACK AND ZANDRA SIT DOWN AT A TABLE.]
JACK: Thank you. Oh, excuse me. Can I get you something to drink? Some coffee or something?
ZANDRA: This better be good. You're taking time away from my slow, agonizing march toward death.
JACK: Well, I won't keep you. As you know, there's no one whose opinion I respect more than yours. In fact... I've always considered you a father figure.
ZANDRA: Oh, I'm not your fag hag, McFarland. I am your acting teacher. And get to the point!
JACK: Ok. I just did a commercial. Played a strappin' straighty with a yen for the ladies, and, Zandra... I was good. I was too good, I think. And now I'm plagued with doubt. Should I compromise my career goals for literally tens of dollars? I say no! So when they asked me to do a second commercial, I turned them down! And because you're my mentor, I wanted you to be the first to know. You may praise me.
ZANDRA: You stupid little ass monkey!
[ZANDRA GRABS JACK BY THE SHIRT AND SLAMS HIM DOWN ON THE TABLE AND BEGINS SLAPPING HIS HEAD.]
JACK: Ow! Ow, Zandra! My cheekbones! Ow!
ZANDRA: You turned down a paying job?! 40 years in this profession, and you are far and away the worst student I've ever had. And now by some miracle of God, someone actually offered you a job and you turned them down?! If I still smoked, I would take my Parliament and stick it in your eye! [SIGHS] Oh, what the hell. I'm just gonna jab you with this dirty fork.
[ZANDRA PICKS UP A DIRTY FORK FROM THE TABLE AND TRIES TO STAB JACK.]
JACK: No! No! No! No! No!
[JACK GETS THE FORK AWAY FROM HER.]
JACK: Wait! Zandra, what about all that stuff you're always saying about how we need to make tough choices in our careers?
ZANDRA: Well, that only applies to people who have careers! You go back to this brainless fart who gave you this part in the first place, and you get down on your knees... and you beg... like a gypsy in an airport... for your job back!
[CUT TO GRACE ADLER DESIGNS. JACK IS BEGGING KAREN.]
SCENE VII: The Garden Plot
(Later that night. WILL is collecting the pieces of Squatsie.)
WILL: [PICKS UP A PIECE] Oh, my God. His ear. [WHISPERS INTO THE EAR] I'm sorry, Squatsie.
[WILL STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO THE MEAN GUY'S PLOT.]
WILL: Here's a little prize for your lettuce.
[WILL UNZIPS HIS PANTS.]
MEAN GUY: Hey! What are you doing! Get off my land!
[WILL QUICKLY ZIPS HIS PANTS UP AND JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY.]
WILL: I wasn't doing anything!
MEAN GUY: Stay where you are, fella! [HE BLOWS A WHISTLE]
WILL: This situation does not call for a whistle, and who comes for a whistle?!
STEVE: [ENTERING] What's going on? I heard the whistle.
WILL: Nothing. Nothing is going on.
MEAN GUY: He is trespassing! Probably trying to swipe some of my prize-winning lettuce.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Hey, I got your message. What are you doing in the garden? I thought you weren't coming here anymore.
MEAN GUY: This guy is a thief.
WILL: I am not!
GRACE: What's going on?
MEAN GUY: I'm calling the cops.
WILL: There's no need to call the cops. I wasn't stealing anything.
MEAN GUY: Oh, yeah? Then what were you doing in here?!
STEVE: Yeah, what were you doing in here?
GRACE: What were you doing here?
WILL: Because the-- I-- I was peeing! Ok?! I was gonna pee on his lettuce because he broke my gnome. The only thing I have left from my parent's marriage, and he broke it! I come from a broken home, and now, thanks to you, I come from a broken gnome!
MEAN GUY: I didn't break anything! I don't know what the hell you're talking about!
WILL: Oh, please! Grace saw you do it! Grace, tell him!
STEVE: What did you see, Grace?
MEAN GUY: Yeah! What'd you see?!
GRACE: I-- I-- I broke it, ok?! I broke it! I'm-- I'm the gnome-wrecker! And I was going to tell you, but you just--you love that damn thing so much, and I didn't know how. And since you were already so mad at him for being so mean, I just thought that you would-- you would go with it. [TO THE MEAN GUY] Why do you have to be so mean?!
STEVE: Yeah, why are you mean?
WILL: Why are you so mean?
MEAN GUY: Because I-- I-- I lost my job, ok?! I spent so much time with my prize-winning lettuce, that I-- I lost my job! I mean, yeah, yeah, I embezzled a little bit, but... [SIGHS] It was mostly the lettuce. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
GRACE: I'm sorry, too.
WILL: Me-- Me, too. I'm--I'm-- I'm really sorry.
[WILL HUGS THE MEAN GUY. GRACE JOINS IN THE GROUP HUG.]
STEVE: You know, I've had a rough couple of days, too.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, and JACK are watching TV.)
WILL: Oh, look. Here's that commercial. I wonder who they got to replace you?
NORMAN: [ON TV] Has this ever happened to you?
[ON TV: NORMAN STEPS ASIDE. KAREN IS IN BED WITH THE ACTRESS.]
KAREN: [ON TV] Honey, are you awake?
ACTRESS: [ON TV] Of course I'm awake. I haven't slept in weeks.
KAREN: [ON TV] Oh, well, do you wanna--
ACTRESS: [ON TV] No! I'm tired, and I'm irritable.
KAREN: [ON TV] You're always tired and irritable. I'm a man. I have needs. Isn't there someone out there who can help me?
[ON TV: KAREN LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA AND PULLS HER NIGHTIE DOWN HER SHOULDER.]