Original Airdate 3/28/2002
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Sydney Pollack (George Truman)
Blythe Danner (Marilyn Truman)
SCENE I: Rockefeller Center Lobby
(WILL stops the man in the elevator to the Rainbow Room.)
WILL: [TO MAN] Hold the door. Hold the door! Sorry about that. It's just it's my parents' anniversary and I want to get up to the Rainbow Room before they do, and my friend's moving a little slow.
WILL: [YELLING TO GRACE, OFF-SCREEN] Come on, Grace!!
WILL: [TO MAN] She can't walk in heels. She thinks she can, but she can't.
GRACE: [TRIPS AND FALLS HEAD FIRST INTO THE ELEVATOR] Oh! Uhh!
GRACE: These shoes! How's a woman supposed to walk in these things? I blame "Sex in the City" for this. I want it off. Come on, help me. Oh, I'm-- Ahh!
WILL: Could you just hold it for one more second? I'd hold it, but you don't want to get near her feet.
[THE GUY LETS THE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSE, BUT WILL STOPS IT BEFORE IT SHUTS.]
WILL: [TO MAN] I asked you to hold it! What's the matter with you?
GRACE: [TO MAN] What kind of person does that?
WILL: [TO MAN] Yeah. You really blew it. If you'd been a nicer person you could have had one of these. [WILL SMILES AND NODS AT THE GUY.]
GRACE: [TO MAN] More than that. I once made out with a stranger in an elevator. But now you can forget about it.
WILL: [TO MAN] You still got a pretty good shot.
[THE ELEVATOR CLOSES.]
[JACK AND KAREN ENTER THE LOBBY. JACK IS HOLDING A LARGE WHITE BOX CONTAINING A CAKE. JACK PRESSES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
JACK: Will's parents are gonna love this cake, Kare. Baker did such a good job. I love the little scalloped edges.
KAREN: Oh. Those aren't scallops, honey. Those are Rosario's teeth marks. Oh... I finally had to hold her head like a can opener and let her go all the way around. Made a cute pattern, though. I like it.
JACK: I hope there's someone cute on the elevator. I'd love a deep, committed relationship for 30 floors or so.
KAREN: Honey, we're not taking that elevator.
JACK: But this is the only one that goes up to the Rainbow Room.
KAREN: Ubba dibba wubba dubba dubba dah gah gagga! We're takin' the stairs. Come on!
JACK: What are you talking about?
KAREN: Bad experience on that elevator. Horrible! If my brain could still send signals to my face, you could see the terror in my eyes. Don't want to talk about it. Don't make me talk!
JACK: It's like 65 floors up! Tsk! I ain't walkin' that!
[KAREN HEADS FOR THE STAIRWAY.]
JACK: Damn you! why don't I have my own money?
[JACK FOLLOWS KAREN.]
SCENE II: The Rainbow Room
(WILL and GRACE are sitting at table. WILL is fidgeting with the table leg.)
WILL: [SIGHS] This matchbook isn't working. Maybe we should move to another table.
GRACE: No. It's fine.
WILL: But it's wiggling!
GRACE: Here. [GRACE PULLS OUT A PAD FROM HER BRA.]
WILL: What are you gonna do with the other one?
GRACE: I used it already to wrap my gum in.
WILL: I'm sorry. I just want everything to be perfect, you know, for when I give them their gift.
GRACE: Are you sure about this whole cruise idea? I mean, your parents can't stand being in the same room together. Now you want to lock them on a boat for two weeks?
WILL: Look, I know they've had their problems in the past, but, lately, things have been different.
GRACE: I'll believe it when I see it.
[WILL'S PARENTS, GEORGE AND MARILYN TRUMAN, ENTER. GEORGE IS ALL OVER HER.]
MARILYN: Oh! Oh, no, no. No. Stop. Stop. We're in public. Oh, and your child is watching!
GRACE: George, Marilyn, happy anniversary!
MARILYN: Hello, hello, hello.
GEORGE: Hey, hey, kiddo. Give me a hug. Not too hard. I got a little Korean trainer who's mad at the world.
MARILYN: Can you believe that your father's working out?
GEORGE: I've got to keep up with you. Look at her, will you? She's the same size as the day I met her. Show me your stuff.
MARILYN: Come on. Get out. Oh, we're going to check my wrap. If we're not back in five minutes...
GEORGE: Don't you come lookin' for us.
[GEORGE AND MARILYN EXIT TO CHECK THEIR COATS.]
WILL: You see? With the touching and the grabbing?
GRACE: Yeah. Wow. The only way my mother could get my father to do that is if she hid the remote in her track suit. Well, what do you think's gotten into those two?
WILL: It's pretty obvious, isn't it? My father must have ended his affair with Tina.
GRACE: You think? Oh... A married man ending his affair with his mistress and going back to his wife. What is more romantic than that?
SCENE III: Rockefeller Center Stairwell, 2nd Floor
(JACK is carrying the cake up the stairs, with KAREN behind him.)
JACK: Now, tell me what you see. Be honest.
KAREN: Ok. Your left cheek is lifting nicely. Ooh, your right one comes up to meet it, a nice kiss in the middle. Oh, yeah. Beautiful. I give that ass an A-plus. It's nice.
JACK: Uh, you may want to give it a lower grade. I don't want my ass to get a big head. Oh! Before we go up, can you just do it one more time?
KAREN: Honey, I said no. I did it for you four times before we left the house.
JACK: Please! Just one more time.
KAREN: [SIGHS] All right. [SIGHS]
KAREN: [POSING LIKE LIZA] Liza with a "Z"!
SCENE IV: The Rainbow Room
(WILL, GRACE, GEORGE, and MARILYN are sitting at their table together.)
GEORGE: Oh, by the way, Will, that guy that just made partner at my firm-- Brian. He's gay.
WILL: Really? The Canadian guy?
GEORGE: Oh, jeez, that was it-- Canadian. He's gonna call ya anyway.
GRACE: [GIGGLING] Oh, Will, stop tickling me.
WILL: I'm not tickling you.
MARILYN: Oh, I'm so sorry, Grace. My goodness, that's a thick stubble. I thought that was George's leg.
GRACE: [EMBARASSED] Will was rushing me. I didn't have time to--
MARILYN: Oh, don't apologize, darling. I appreciate the feminist statement. I went through that myself in the sixties, burned my bra and everything. Just made me feel hairy and saggy.
GRACE: I think I rented that one: When Hairy Met Saggy. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Heh heh heh-- [DESPARATELY TO WILL] Help me.
WILL: Ok, I can't wait any longer. I've got to give you you present.
WILL: Ok, close your eyes.
MARILYN: All right.
[WILL PUTS AN ENVELOPE ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF HIS PARENTS.]
WILL: And... Open 'em. Tada!
MARILYN: Oh, sweetheart, you shouldn't have! It's so beautiful.
GEORGE: We love it.
WILL: Guys... Open the envelope.
[THEY OPEN THE ENVELOPE. THERE ARE TICKETS AND BROCHURES FOR A CRUISE.]
MARILYN: Oh! William, a cruise. Oh, golly, I can't believe it.
WILL: You're going to the South Pacific.
GEORGE: This is fantastic. I've always wanted to go on a cruise, and you know your mom likes any excuse to take anti-nausea medication. [READING THE BROCHURE] Oh, my God, Mar, look at this-- Lou Ferrigno's doin' Give 'Em Hell, Harry in the Jubilee Theater.
MARILYN: Come on, Grace. Let's go tinkle.
GRACE: Um, heh heh... Marilyn, I'm a grown woman. I think I know when I have to tinkle. Eh heh--
[MARILYN GIVES GRACE A STERN LOOK]
GRACE: I have to tinkle.
[GRACE AND MARILYN EXIT TO THE RESTROOM.]
WILL: [TO GEORGE] Eh?
GEORGE: I don't know what to say. This is so-- so generous of you. It's so thoughtful.
WILL: Makes me happy to make you happy.
GEORGE: Well, you know, speaking of that, h-how how how booked is the cruise?
WILL: What do you mean?
GEORGE: Well, like, extra rooms, like if I, you know, if I kinda... If somebody extra wanted to come along.
WILL: Like who?
GEORGE: Well, like a buddy or some-- Don't make me say it.
WILL: Tina?! Are you actually asking me if you can bring your mistress along on your anniversary cruise?
GEORGE: You said you wanted me to have fun.
SCENE V: Rockefeller Center Stairwell, 45th Floor
(JACK and KAREN make their way up the stairs. Neither of them has the cake.)
JACK: Ok... Only 20 more flights.
KAREN: [PANTING] Hold on a second. I gotta sit down for a minute. You know, I'm not as young as I used to be. Although, I am younger than I was ten years ago. Whew.
JACK: What are you complainin' about? I had to carry the cake all the way up here. [SCOFFS] Kehh!
KAREN: What cake?
JACK: This cake! [JACK HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS. HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES THEY'RE EMPTY.] Oh, my God! I must have set it down!
KAREN: Honey, honey, honey, come here. Come here. Come here. A little bit closer. Listen. I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face against my palm, would ya?
[KAREN HOLDS OUT HER HAND AND JACK SMACKS HIS FACE AGAINST IT.]
JACK: Oh... I totally deserve that.
KAREN: Now, think! Where did you leave it?
JACK: Ok, ok, ok.... Wait a minute. What floor were we on when I pantsed you?
KAREN: The 21st floor.
JACK: Are you sure?
KAREN: Positive, 'cause I remember thinking, "Here I am on the 21st floor with no pants on! Again...."
JACK: Ok, well, then, that's it. Let's go. come on. Let's go back down and get it.
KAREN: Honey, why do I have to go with you?
JACK: Well, I sure as hell ain't gonna pants myself. What? Do you think I'm an idiot? Let's go!
[JACK AND KAREN BEGIN HEADING BACK DOWN.]
SCENE VI: The Rainbow Room(WILL knocks on the women's restroom door.)
[GRACE PEEKS OUT OF THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: What? I'm busy. Your mother's making me wipe off some of my blush, or, as she put it, "I want to see the girl under the clown."
WILL: Come on.
[WILL PULLS GRACE OUT OF THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: My father is still seeing Tina.
WILL: We're sitting at the table. We're talking about the cruise, then all of a sudden, he's like, "can I bring a buddy?" He wants to bring Tina!
GRACE: So, what do you want me to do?
WILL: Just... act normal.
MARILYN [OFF-SCREEN, INSIDE THE RESTROOM]: Grace?
WILL: [SIGHS] Ok. Time to send in the clown. [WILL PUSHES GRACE BACK INTO THE RESTROOM.]
[INSIDE THE RESTROOM:]
MARILYN: [TO GRACE] Oh, there you are, darling. Could you ask Will something for me?
GRACE: Sure. Anything.
MARILYN: How booked is that cruise? 'Cause I'd sort of like to bring a buddy.
GRACE: Wow. Heh... [CHUCKLING] Does--Does--Does George know that you're having an affair?
MARILYN: No! No. oh, please don't put it like that. It sounds so tawdry. "Affair."
GRACE: Well, how would you put it?
MARILYN: Well, let's see, um... I'm having a consensual adult relalationship with a man who's not my husband. And it's raunchy as hell.
GRACE: My mother has a similar relationship with pastrami.
MARILYN: His name is Tim, and, oh... He's a yoga instructor. Oh, Lord, I have never... I've just never been so in touch with my body, and... And I enjoy classes, too.
GRACE: Ok! O! K! This has been fun. You shared. I shared. Well, I didn't really share. I'm gonna share now. You're making me really uncomfortable, so I gotta go.
MARILYN: Oh, no. No, no, Grace, please? I'm dying to talk to you. I can't talk to my friends. They're so sophisticated and elegant, and you're, uh, you're, uh... Well, you're one of the people. I just... Oh, please. Just ask me. Ask me something kinky and, uh, personal about Tim, hmm?
GRACE: Ok... Um...
MARILYN: Come on.
GRACE: Is... Tim...
GRACE: Short for "Timothy"?
MARILYN: Tim's not short for anything.
GRACE: [CLOSES HER EYES AND INHALES] You see? And I thought I was being safe there. How did this even...start?
MARILYN: Well, let's see. I was complaining to George that he was never at home, and he said, "well, get a hobby." So I did. And then when I turned out that my tennis pro was homosexual, I got another hobby.
SCENE VII: Rockefeller Center Stairwell, 21st Floor
(JACK and KAREN make their way down the stairs to find the cake.)
KAREN: [MOCKING] Forgot the cake.
JACK: [MOCKING] Afraid of an elevator.
KAREN: [MOCKING] Forgot the cake.
JACK: [MOCKING] Afraid of an elevator.
KAREN: Cake forgetter!
JACK: Elevator afraider! My feet are killing me. If I knew we were gonna do all this walking, I would've worn flats.
KAREN: Yeah? Well, if I'd known we were gonna do all this walking, I would've saddled up Rosario, like when we go to Greece. There's your damn cake!
[JACK PICKS UP THE CAKE BOX.]
JACK: Now we have to walk all the way back up. This is so stupid! Whatever made you afraid of an elevator anyway?
KAREN: I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch, and, suddenly... The lights went out, the elevator dropped, and... Dennis Hopper said he would kill us all if his demands weren't met. [EMOTIONAL] I thank God Keanu Reeves was there to get us out. [CRYING]
JACK: Karen, that wasn't you. That was the opening scene of Speed.
KAREN: Oh. You know, that movie was not at all what was advertised. You think you're going to see a feel-good movie about amphetamines, and, suddenly, you're on a bus? Wh--?
JACK: Wait. So you're not afraid of elevators?
KAREN: Guess not. [CHUCKLES] Heh heh...
JACK: So we walked all the way down the stairs for nothing?
KAREN: [CHUCKLES] Heh heh... Guess so.
JACK: I can't believe this. I feel like such an idiot! [SIGHS] Well, we better start up again.
KAREN: I'll lead the way.
SCENE VIII: The Rainbow Room
(GRACE runs from the restroom, grabs WILL from the table and pulls him to the bar.)
WILL: You brought me here.
GRACE: I know. I'm stalling for time. I have something to tell you, and it's really hard.
WILL: Well, ease into it, then.
GRACE: Your mother's having an affair.
WILL: And where was the easing into that?
GRACE: She is, Will.
WILL: She is not. What were her exact words?
GRACE: "Can I bring a buddy?"
WILL: Oh, my God, she's having an affair. Who is it? What? Her tennis pro?
GRACE: No. He's gay.
WILL: Peter? Really? So, who is it?
GRACE: Her yoga instructor-- Tim, who isn't short for anything.
WILL: Fantastic. Everybody's cheating on everybody! Suddenly, my parents are Fleetwood Mac. What am I gonna do about this?
GRACE: You're not gonna do anything. They're fine. They each have someone now. They're even, so just leave it alone. It's like a scab. Don't pick at it.
WILL: Oh, what are you talking about? You always pick at scabs. You scratch yourself just so you'll have a scab to pick at.
GRACE: I have changed. I've learned.
WILL: Please. We've never changed or learned anything in our lives.
GRACE: Will, I'm telling you, and I'm not saying that I understand it. But this is what works for your family. And, just look at them.
WILL: [SIGHS] They do look pretty happy.
GRACE: They are happy.
WILL: Ok, but I'm not comfortable with this. Then, again, I'm not comfortable with Jim Carrey in dramatic roles, but I guess that's just one more thing I'm gonna have to get used to.
[KAREN AND JACK FINALLY ENTER FROM THE STAIRWELL. JACK HAS THE CAKE.]
KAREN: [WINDED] Whoo! Oh, boy. Oh!
JACK: [WINDED] Oh!
KAREN: [WINDED] Whoo.
[WILL AND GRACE SEE THEM.]
JACK: [WINDED] Hi, you guys.
KAREN: [WINDED] Hey.
GRACE: Where have you guys been? We were expecting you to be here, like, an hour ago.
JACK: Ahh... Well... The first time we took the stairs 'cause Karen was afraid of the elevators--
JACK: And then the second time we took the stairs because... [JACK KICKS THE WALL] Oh!
SCENE IX: The Rainbow Room
(WILL, GRACE, GEORGE, and MARILYN are finishing up dinner. GEORGE and MARILYN are reading their brochures.)
GEORGE: [LOOKING AT THE BROCHURE] This cruise is unbelievable. You can have lunch any time of the day. I guess I can do that anyway, but, for some reason, it's more exciting on a boat.
MARILYN: [LOOKING AT THE BROCHURE] And there is so much to do. Oh, look at that. Ice-skating lessons with Michelle Kwan.
GRACE: To be fair, when he bought the tickets, that seemed like a much bigger deal.
GEORGE: [LOOKING AT THE BROCHURE] Hey, they've got a driving range on this boat. You know, I just may grab my balls and my club and sneak off and play a little.
MARILYN: [LOOKING AT THE BROCHURE] All right. Well, while you're sneaking off doing that, maybe I'll just sneak off and, um... Do a little yoga.
WILL: Why don't you two just say what's really going on?
GRACE: [BEHIND HER HAND, TO WILL] Scab.
WILL: You're still seeing Tina, and you're seeing some guy named Tim.
GRACE: And it's been picked.
GEORGE: Tim? What's a Tim? You're having an affair with a guy named Tim? What does he wear, a propeller hat?
MARILYN: Ohh. Well, I wouldn't call it an affair, exactly. It's really just, uh, it's kind of a-- Oh, the hell with it. It is an affair. All right, I said it! It's an affair!
GEORGE: I don't believe what I'm hearing. Did you hear what-- You want-- Am I supposed to-- I can't even finish a thought.
[JACK AND KAREN PUSH IN THE CAKE ON A CART.]
JACK AND KAREN [BOTH]: Happy anniversary!
JACK AND KAREN: [SINGING AND DANCING TO THE TUNE OF "THE WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE"] Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, hap-py anniversary!
WILL: Would you get the hell outta here?
JACK: No! We hauled this cake up 80 flights of stairs! It has our blood, sweat, and tears in it, literally. Now, you're gonna eat the cake, and you're gonna like the cake!
KAREN: Yeah. We're exhausted, and we're not going anywhere.
GRACE: Hey, look, the bar's open, and a homo.
KAREN: See ya.
[JACK AND KAREN RUN OFF TO THE BAR.]
WILL: I'm gonna leave you two to talk about this. Come on, Grace. We'll wait over here.
[WILL AND GRACE STAND UP TO GIVE GEORGE AND MARILYN SOME PRIVACY.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] But the cake's that way.
[WILL PULLS HER OVER THE BAR.]
[LATER... WILL AND GRACE WATCH AS GEORGE AND MARILYN TALK.]
WILL: Oh, my God. They're holding hands. This could turn out to be a good anniversary after all. You know, they talk it out, clear the air, maybe discover some of the things they loved about each other to begin with. This cruise could be like a second honeymoon, you know? Unlike the first, she won't be pregnant with my stupid brother.
[GEORGE AND MARILYN WALK UP TO WILL.]
MARILYN: Oh, darling, hello.
WILL: So, uh... Well?
GEORGE: Well, we talked it out.
MARILYN: And I think for the first time in a really long time, we really heard each other.
WILL: I'm so glad.
GEORGE: And we're separating.
MARILYN: We think it's for the best, darling.
GEORGE: I'm so sorry, kiddo. I mean, you planned this nice dinner and you spent all that money on the cruise.
WILL: I don't care about the cruise. Look, I don't want you to do this. Please don't do this. You should not do this. [BEAT] You're doing this.
MARILYN: Oh, Grace, I found this under the table leg. I think it's yours. [MARILYN HANDS GRACE HER PAD.]
[LATER. WILL, GRACE, JACK, AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING FROM THE CAKE.]
WILL: Well, sweetie, looks like you and I are goin' on a cruise-- Sun, sand. Oh, look. Wednesday night in the Horizon Room Sinbad's appearing in Man of La Mancha. You know, this can actually be great. We could use a fun vacation. I'll put on my Greek fisherman's cap, and you'll make me take it off, and you know I love any excuse to take anti-nausea medication. This is gonna be fantastic.
WILL: I know.
KAREN: Come on, Jack. We should go.
JACK: Yeah, but let's stretch first. We got a long walk down.
KAREN: Yeah. Ooh!
[KAREN AND JACK DO A FEW STRETCHES AND THEN HEAD TO THE STAIRS.]
GRACE: Come on. Dig in. Obviously, I'm not gonna be able to finish this on my own.
WILL: Oh, who are you kidding? Ah, is it ridiculous to go on this cruise? Do I really want to mope around being the saddest one on the boat?
GRACE: Oh, sweetie. You're not gonna be the saddest one there.
WILL: What? Oh, right.
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: Michelle Kwan.