Original Airdate 2/28/2002
Story by Jeff Greenstein
Teleplay by Alex Herschlag & Jhoni Marchinko
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Suzanne Pleshette (Lois Whitley)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Nella Goron (Eileen)
Sandra Bernhard (Herself)
Mitch Kaplan (Mitchie)
Joseph Will (Bill)
Jamison Jones (Phil)
Lyndon Karp (Kid)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL enters the apartment with his date, PHIL.)
PHIL: Heh heh heh. That was a great show. Thanks. I have been waiting all year to see Puppetry of the Penis.
WILL: Yeah. It's just that the whole time, mine was thinking, "I could do that."
[GRACE GETS UP FROM THE TV ROOM, WHERE SHE IS SITTING WITH HER DATE, BILL.]
GRACE: Will. Hi. What are you doing here?
WILL: On a date.
GRACE: Uh. Heh heh. Well, I'm on a date, too. [INTRODUCING WILL TO BILL] Will, Bill. [TO BILL] Bill, Will.
WILL: Hey, Bill. Will. [INTRODUCING BILL TO PHIL] Uh, Bill, Phil. [TO PHIL] Phil, Bill.
PHIL: [SHAKING BILLS HAND] Bill.
BILL: [SHAKING PHILS HAND] Phil.
WILL: [TO PHIL] And this is Grace.
GRACE: It's a thrill.
WILL: Good save.
GRACE: [TO BILL AND PHIL] Would you guys mind if we just stepped out for a minute? Hold on a second.
[WILL AND GRACE BOTH STEP OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
GRACE: This is kind of funny.
WILL: Yeah. I got a thing. You got a thing.
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: Get out.
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: You get out!
GRACE: Ok w-w-w-why don't you guys just go into the bedroom?
WILL: We're not ready to go in the bedroom yet. Why don't you go in the bedroom?
GRACE: We've already been in the bedroom.
WILL: [SNEEZING] Slut!
WILL: Why does this keep happening? We're constantly on top of each other. We have no privacy. Last night, I heard noises from your bedroom that sounded like a pig being tickled.
GRACE: So, I snore a little. Well, you're a loud pee-er. I swear, it sounds like the last hour of The Perfect Storm in there.
WILL: Here we are, having the apartment discussion again.
GRACE: I know. It seems to keep comin' up.
WILL: You know the logical thing to do.
GRACE: I know. We need to get separate apartments.
WILL: That is the logical thing. So, we'll get a bigger place?
GRACE: Uh-huh. I mean, we talk about it all the time, and why else have we been going to open houses every Sunday for the last six months?
WILL: You know, if we're serious about this, we should get a paper tomorrow and start looking.
GRACE: It's 10:00. Sunday paper should be out already.
WILL: You're right. Let's hit the newsstand on 86th.
[WILL PRESSES THE ELVATOR BUTTON.]
GRACE: Oh, wait. Heh heh. We're--we're forgetting somethin'.
[WILL AND GRACE CHUCKLE AND ENTER THEIR APARTMENT.]
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: Coats.
[THEY GRAB THEIR COATS AND EXIT, LEAVING BILL AND PHIL STANDING THERE.]
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is at her desk "working" when JACK enters.)
JACK: Ok, Karen. Strap yourself in, because I have gotten you what I believe to be pants-down, the best birthday gift you're gonna get all year.
KAREN: Oh! Honey, is my new liver in?
JACK: No. I'm making a film that celebrates your life. It's called, Karen: A Celebration of Life. A film, breathtaking in its scope and ambition. Ha!
KAREN: Wow. How much do you need?
JACK: Karen, please. I am insulted. This is my gift to you. How much can you give me?
KAREN: Well, I'd give you a credit card, but I used my Amex to hit a face I didn't like. I lose more credit cards that way. Checkbook ok?
[JACK TAKES KAREN'S CHECKBOOK.]
JACK: Yeah, um, I'm also gonna need a crew. I was thinking 20 burly men with bulging calves who aren't afraid to sweat.
KAREN: How about Rosario?
SCENE III: Wills Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are getting ready to go out.)
GRACE: So, what time are we meeting this real-estate agent?
WILL: Ayleen? 10:00.
GRACE: I thought it was Eileen.
WILL: It's spelled "Eileen." It's pronounced "Ayleen."
WILL: "A" don't know.
GRACE: You know, the more I think about it, the more I hate it here. The bathroom's too small. There's not enough closet space. My bedroom's filthy.
WILL: So, basically we're moving so you don't have to clean your room?
GRACE: It's really messy.
WILL: You know the most annoying thing about living here?
JACK: [ENTERING] Hello.
WILL: [TO GRACE] I swear I wasn't gonna say that.
[JACK AND ROSARIO ENTER. ROSARIO IS TAPING WITH A VIDEO CAMERA AS JACK SPEAKS INTO THE CAMERA.]
JACK: We are here at the apartment that sex forgot... to hear from two of Karen Walker's dearest, dearest, dearest-- Line?
JACK: Friends! That's right. [LAUGHING] That is going on the gag reel! That is hilarious!
GRACE: Jack, we really don't have time for this. We're on our way.
JACK: Excuse me, we are live to tape! [INTO THE CAMERA] We're here with the sad couple. If you're just joining us, we're digging into [JACK HOLDS A MONOCLE TO HIS EYE AND STARES INTO THE CAMERA] the mystery of Karen Walker. We're going through her checkbook, in an attempt to find out who she is. [TO GRACE] Now, Grace, right this way. Thank you for coming. On the 18th, Karen wrote you a check for $280. What does that mean to you?
GRACE: She paid me $10 a day not to wear ruffles or eat Ruffles in the office.
JACK: Interesting, interesting. Yet not so. [JACK PUSHES GRACE ASIDE AND PULLS WILL IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA] Ok, right this way. Thank you, Will. Thank you. Ok. And here, Karen wrote you a check a mere two days later for expense reimbursement. I'm pretty sure only one of those is a word. But what could that mean to you?
WILL: It was a-- It was a guilt payment for throwing her credit card at my face.
JACK: Just as I thought. This checkbook is unlocking [WITH THE MONOCLE] the mystery of Karen Walker.
ROSARIO: And I thought shooting those pornos for Tommy Lee was a tough gig.
SCENE IV: Apartment Hunting
(WILL and GRACE are following EILEEN around the city. They stop at the first apartment.)
EILEEN: Ok. This is just the first one. We have a big day ahead of us. What do you think? It's charming, right? I love it! Are we done?
WILL: Well, I-- I like the space, great floors.
GRACE: It's equidistant from my gym and Krispy Kreme. Uh, does it have a view?
EILEEN: Does it have a view?!
[EILEEN OPENS THE DRAPES. RIGHT ACROSS THE WAY IS A BEAR OF A MAN DISCO DANCING SHIRTLESS IN HIS WINDOW.]
WILL: I'm guessing it's closer to Krispy Kreme's than the gym.
[CUT TO LATER. EILEEN IS SHOWING WILL AND GRACE ANOTHER APARTMENT.]
GRACE: Ohh, I love this building! There's something about it. It just feels so warm and friendly.
[A KID OPENS THE DOOR.]
KID: Hey, neighbor. Hey, neighbor.
GRACE: [SWEETLY] Hi!
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] Let's get the hell out of here!
[CUT TO LATER. EILEEN IS SHOWING YET ANOTHER APARTMENT.]
EILEEN: Just so you know, this one's been on the market a long time. It's a lease option to buy, and the seller's very motivated.
[A MAN IS DRILLING INTO THE WALL. DRILL!]
EILEEN: Don't look at him! He's just wiring the place for the Internet.
GRACE: I have a weird feeling I've been here before.
EILEEN: Well, I shouldn't tell you this, but a famous person lives here. Do you love that downtown comedy?
[A CELL PHONE RINGS]
EILEEN: Sandra Bernhard. Excuse me. [ANSWERING CELL PHONE] Uh-huh. Uh-huh...
WILL: Oh, my God!
[SANDRA BERNHARD ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
SANDRA: [SINGING TO HERSELF] Like a circle in a spiral, like a--
GRACE: Hi again.
SANDRA: What are you two Kate & Leopold-looking motherf-- [MITCHIE DRILLS INTO THE WALL]
SANDRA: I thought I told you I never wanted do to see your [DRILLS] faces again.
GRACE: We're serious this time. We are really interested in renting your ap--
SANDRA: Oh, save it, bitches. Ever since you two f--[DRILLS] me over, I haven't been able to dump this piece of sh--[DRILLS].
WILL: We're gonna-- We're gonna go, 'cause this isn't gonna be right for us anyway.
GRACE: So, are you playing anywhere? 'Cause we'd really love to see you.
SANDRA: Would you get the f--[DRILLS] out of here?
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is sitting at her desk talking to JACK about the movie. He has the video camera.)
KAREN: So, honey. Who else have you interviewed?
JACK: Oh, all your closest friends: Pharmacist, Butler, Jeweler, Backup Pharmacist.
KAREN: I hope Pharmy and Backup Pharmy don't find out about each other. That's a catfight waitin' to happen. Ooh! Ha ha!
JACK: Um, but you know, Karen, I'd love to include your mother in my "Project Queen-light." What institution is she in?
KAREN: Oh. I was just kidding when I told you she was in the loony bin. Funny story, actually. She's dead.
JACK: Ha ha ha ha.... What's funny about that?
KAREN: Well, she was alive, and now she's dead. Get it? Ha ha ha!
JACK: Um, who's Lois Whitley?
KAREN: Huh?! What?! Who?! [KAREN BACKS UP AGAINST THE WALL]
JACK: Well, I've been working my way through your checkbook, trying to figure out who you are by how you spend. Who is she?
KAREN: [NERVOUS] Oh. Well, honey, I think that's somebody driver ran over.
[KAREN BEGINS PICKING UP THINGS ON HER DESK AND PUTTING THEM INTO HER PURSE.]
JACK: Mmm. But usually, when Driver runs somebody over, there's a little frowny face in the memo part of the check.
KAREN: Yeah, well maybe it was one of those double-pedestrian dealios. Who cares? Listen, I gotta go see a man about a horse pill!
[KAREN RUNS OUT OF THE OFFICE.]
JACK: [INTO THE CAMERA] Lois Whitley. I don't think we've heard the last of her. Come with us now as we begin to unravel [WITH THE MONOCLE] the mystery of Karen Walker.
SCENE VI: Apartment Hunting
(WILL and GRACE are following EILEEN into yet another apartment. Since she made them keep their eyes closed, EILEEN is helping WILL and GRACE into the apartment.)
EILEEN: Come on. Keep 'em closed. One step. One step.
WILL: Eileen, we really don't want to play this game anymore. Last time we did this, I stepped on the owner.
EILEEN: And open!
[WILL AND GRACE OPEN THEIR EYES. IT'S FABULOUS!]
WILL AND GRACE: Wow....
[WILL AND GRACE EXCITEDLY RUN INTO THE DIFFERENT ROOMS.]
EILEEN: Three-bedroom duplex, 3200 square feet, walk-in closets, meditation room, library. Do I need to continue? Because you should be kissing my ass at this point.
GRACE: I love it. Do you love it?
WILL: I love it. Do you love it?
GRACE: Uh-huh. But we don't need a library.
WILL: That's right. We don't read. And we don't need a meditation room.
GRACE: That's right. We don't believe in anything. So, what are we gonna use those two extra rooms for?
WILL AND GRACE [TOGETHER]: Shoes!
WILL: [TO EILEEN] We'll take it!
EILEEN: Ok! There's just one little thing. One little thing. It's three times what you wanted to pay.
WILL: [SCREECHING] What?!
GRACE: Why didn't you tell us, then?!
EILEEN: Because I wanted you to fall in love with it. Do you love it?
WILL: [SADLY] Yeah, we love it....
GRACE: [SADLY] We love it....
SCENE VII: Paddy's Pub, Yonkers
(JACK and ROSARIO enter the pub on their quest to unravel the mystery of Karen Walker.)
JACK: Are you sure this is the right address?
ROSARIO: The landlord said Lois Whitley works at Paddy's Pub... This place is Paddy's Pub.
[JACK WIPES HIS EYE.]
JACK: Mm-hmm. Ok. It's not the fact you spit that bothers me. It's the fact you spit Tabasco. All right. this obviously isn't the place. Look, just grab the gear, and we'll do the interview with Karen's hairdresser, and we'll get that in the can.
ROSARIO: Take it easy, Martin Scorsissy. I schlepped this equipment all over Yonkers. I want to sit down and toss back a few.
JACK: Rosario, we are on a schedule! We don't have time--
ROSARIO: I'm buying.
JACK: Maybe something with an umbrella. [TO THE WAITRESS] Excuse me, miss. Yeah, we're ready to order over here. What's good?
WAITRESS: What's good? Me in Hawaii with Richard Crenna.
ROSARIO: I heard that, sister.
WAITRESS: What do we got here? You look like a bus and truck company of West Side Story.
JACK: You know, I played Maria a time or two. It's true, I tell ya. Anyway, I'll have a club soda with two teaspoons of sugar, a splash of Rosa's Lime Juice, half crushed ice, half cubed, and an umbrella.
WAITRESS: One beer.
JACK: Excuse me! [SLAMS HIS HAND ON THE TABLE] Rudeness! I would like the drink I ordered! And maybe even a "Hello, my name is pbblt. I'll be your server tonight."
WAITRESS: Listen, Maria... I've been on this shift since-- What time is it now? Uh, 1947. My back aches, my feet hurt, and the only thing holding up my boobs is hope. So, you'll enjoy your beer.
JACK: A beer would be great. Thanks.
ROSARIO: Make that two, and a couple of hard-boiled eggs.
[JACK MAKES A FACE AND PLUGS HIS NOSE.]
WAITRESS: By the way, my name is Lois. I'll be your server tonight.
JACK: Lois? Lois Whitley?
LOIS: Yeah. How'd you know?
JACK: Well, we were looking for a Lois Whitley. Wow. What a coincidence. [TO ROSARIO] Anyway, tomorrow I want to shoot the outside of the apartment.
JACK: Oh, Lois! Oh, Lois Whitley! We came here to film you.
LOIS: Film me? Oh, honey, I haven't done those kind of movies in 30 years. Just give me a few minutes to freshen up.
JACK: Oh, no. No, no. It's not that at all. I'm doing a film tribute to a friend of mine, and I come here today with my crew... [MOTIONS TOWARDS ROSARIO]
JACK: To ask you a few questions about said friend. [TO ROSARIO] Roll it.
[ROSARIO BEGINS TAPING.]
JACK: So, Lois Whitley, tell us. What exactly is your relationship to one Ms. Karen Walker?
LOIS: I'm her mother.
[JACK STARES AGAPE AS ROSARIO CLUTCHES HER CHEST.]
ROSARIO: Santa Maria, it has a mother?!
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are getting ready for dinner.)
GRACE: I wish I'd never seen that place. Now I can't stop thinking about it. It was so great. Not like this dump.
WILL: Come on. This place is fine.
GRACE: Oh, it's a dump, Will!
WILL: This is a beautiful apartment. People would kill for a place like this. It's got a doorman, a terrace. It's in a great neighborhood.
[WILL WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND TRIPS ON THE STEP.]
WILL: Damn it! What idiot builds a step up to a kitchen?! This place sucks! Crappy design!
GRACE: Well, you'd better get used to it, 'cause we're stuck in a shoebox until I'm an old maid in a threadbare cardigan and you're an old maid in a threadbare caftan.
WILL: Thanks. You know the worst part about this apartment?
JACK: [ENTERING] Oh my God! You're not gonna believe what happened!
WILL: Honest to God, I was not gonna say that.
JACK: [QUICKLY] I met Karen's mother. She's not dead. She's a cocktail waitress. It turns out Karen's father died when she was seven. Oh, my God. Can you imagine what Karen looked like when she was seven years old? Cute little pumps, cute little martini, cute little pills. Ah-ha-ha.
[JACK PULLS A BOTTLE OF JUICE OUT THE OF THE FRIDGE AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.]
JACK: [QUICKLY] Anyway, from then on, they moved around a lot until Lois met a man, a ne'er-do-well named Bernie. Or was it Todd? I don't know. I can't remember, 'cause at that point I zoned out 'cause some real hot fireman came into the bar.
[JACK POURS THE JUICE INTO A GLASS AND TUCKS A NAPKIN AROUND HIS NECK.]
JACK: [QUICKLY] Oh, his name was Todd. That's right. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Anyway, what did I do with his number?
[WILL PULLS THE NAPKIN OUT, PICKS JACK UP AND ESCORTS HIM TOWARDS THE DOOR.]
JACK: [QUICKLY] Actually, when Karen was 16, her and her mother had some big falling-out, and Lois wouldn't tell me what it was, but I have a feeling Karen killed a man with her bare breasts.
JACK: All this is in my movie. I smell sequel.
[WILL SLAMS THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Wow. Karen has a mother?
WILL: Yeah, that's huge.
GRACE: So, we've got to figure out how to get that apartment.
WILL: It's too much money.
GRACE: Perhaps. But not if we have more money.
WILL: My God, Grace. You've done it. That apartment is as good as ours. Oh, wait!
WILL: There is one thing we could do, but it might make us bad people. So let me ask you, would you rather be good people in a bad apartment or bad people in a great apartment?
GRACE: I think you know the answer to that.
WILL: We sublet. We find somebody else to take this place. Then we charge a lot more money than we should. We gouge 'em!
GRACE: You are brilliant!
[A KNOCK ON DOOR]
ROB: [THROUGH THE DOOR] Guys, open up! Ellen has to pee.
[WILL QUICKLY OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S THEIR GOOD FRIENDS ROB AND ELLEN. ELLEN HAS CUT HER HAIR SHORT AND IT'S DARK. SHE IS EXTREMELY PREGNANT.]
ROB: Sorry we're late. Traffic was ridiculous.
ELLEN: Well, maybe if you had taken the tunnel like I told you to, instead of taking us on a scenic tour of murderville, we could've been here on time! I'm irritable, I'm fat, and I have to pee.
[ELLEN GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Wow. I forgot Ellen stopped coloring her hair. Is it weird that she's not a redhead anymore?
ROB: Yeah, yeah. It's weird she's not a lot of things anymore. Red-headed, fun, nice. I just don't think she likes me anymore, guys.
WILL: Come on. Why do you say that?
ROB: Well, it's the little things she says, like, "I don't like you anymore, Rob!"
WILL: Pregnant women say things.
GRACE: Yeah. She doesn't mean it.
ROB: Yeah, and she's on this kick about moving back to the city.
ROB: Oh, yeah, yeah. She was grumbling about how New Jersey might not be the right place for us to raise our kid. I'm sure it'll pass.
[CUT TO LATER. WILL, GRACE, ROB AND ELLEN ARE PLAYING THEIR GAME. WILL IS GIVING CLUES TO GRACE.]
WILL: Oh, uh, uh, Trenton, Secaucus, Fort Lee, Passaic.
GRACE: Places that suck!
ROB: Hey! Guys. We live near Secaucus.
WILL: Don't slow us down. Ok, uh, bad accents, bad taste, overworked hair, social stigma.
GRACE: Things kids have who are born in New Jersey!
WILL: Oh, guys. It's just a game. I'm sure your kid won't have any of that. Grace, go.
GRACE: Ok, ok, uh, culture, great restaurants, amazing shopping.
WILL: The advantages of living in New York.
GRACE: Ding! We're burnin' up!
[ELLEN BEGINS SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY]
ROB: Honey. Honey, what's wrong?
[ROB REACHES OUT TO ELLEN. SHE QUICKLY SLAPS HIS HAND AWAY.]
ELLEN: [CRYING] I hate New Jersey. Our kid's gonna grow up with a bad accent and overworked hair. I wanna move back to the city, and I swear to God, if we don't do it, [YELLING] I'm divorcing you!
ROB: Honey. I mean, if you want to move back to New York, we'll move back to New York. I just don't know how we're gonna find an apartment here.
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: I think we can help.
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, KAREN, and JACK are sitting in the TV room watching JACK's video. ROSARIO is in the kitchen.)
WILL [VOICE ON TAPE]: So, Karen, on this, the centennial of your birth, Jack wants me to wish you a happy birthday. I hope all your wishes come true, and when you do become Satan's mistress, don't you forget the little people.
JACK: And that's the end of part one.
[JACK STOPS THE TAPE AND EVERYONE CLAPS.]
KAREN: Oh, bravo.
JACK: Speech, speech.
WILL: Leave, leave.
KAREN: Oh, thank you, everyone. Wow. Oh... To be surrounded on your birthday by your closest friends-- Well-- Would've been nice. But instead I'm stuck with you kids. Ha ha ha ha. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But seriously, you people just mean the world to me.
KAREN: [TURNS TOWARDS ROSARIO] Rosie. You're more than just my maid. You're my friend.
KAREN: [TURNS TO GRACE] And little Gracie. You're more than just my friend. You're my maid.
KAREN: [TURNS TO WILL] And Will. Oh, boy. Heh heh heh. I know. I know I've given you a lot of grief over the years. Abused you, called you names.
KAREN: [TURNS TO JACK] And Jackie. I love you more than you love yourself, and I love my movie!
JACK: Oh, wait. It's not over yet. That's still one more part.
[JACK RUNS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] So, uh, when should we tell everyone about our new apartment?
WILL: [QUIETLY TO GRACE] Well, we gotta wait for the right time. It's big news.
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] I know. So, when am I gonna know when it's time? Maybe you can give me some kind of signal.
WILL: [QUIETLY TO GRACE] A signal? Ok. When Ethel comes in wearing the barrel, you'll know it's time.
[JACK ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY.]
JACK: Ok, Karen. When you look back on your life, what is the one thing that has gotten away from you? Who is that one person that could make your life complete again?
KAREN: [GASPS] Sunny's out of bed? Finally! Von Bulow, get your ass in here!
JACK: No, not Sunny V.B., silly. Your mother! [TO ROSARIO] Roll it.
[ROSARIO BEGINS FILMING.]
[LOIS ENTERS, HOLDING OUT HER ARMS FOR A HUG.]
LOIS: Hiya, Kiki!
JACK: Yay! Happy birthday! Finally, [WITH THE MONOCLE] the mystery is solved!
KAREN: [TO LOIS] I told you I never wanted to see you again!
[KAREN RUNS OUT OF THE APARTMENT]
WILL: Guys, we're moving to a bigger place!
to be continued....