Original Airdate 12/6/2001
Written by Bill Wrubel
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Patrick Breen (Mitchell)
Dan Gauthier (Curt)
Bess Meyer (Marcy)
Ashley Borden (Personal Trainer)
Josh Temple (Guy)
SCENE I: CRUNCH
(WILL and GRACE are laying on their backs, on a couple of balls.)
WILL: What are we doing? Are we even working out?
GRACE: Of course we are. Just because we're not sweating doesn't mean we're not getting a good workout.
WILL: Just the kind of answer I'd expect from the owner of an Angela Lansbury workout video. Ready? Flip.
[WILL AND GRACE FLIP OVER ONTO THEIR STOMACHS.]
GRACE: Uhh! Eww, my ball smells. Smell my ball.
WILL: Smell your own ball!
GRACE: [AS GROUCHO MARX] Well, if I could do that, I'd be the happiest girl on earth. I don't know what that means.
[JACK WALKS UP.]
JACK: Hey, losers, how you doing? Come on. Up, up, up. We're here to work out. Let's go. Let's stake it!
GRACE: Let's what?
JACK: Stake it. Stake it! You gotta stake it.
WILL: Stop saying, "stake it."
GRACE: What's stake it?
JACK: "Stake it" is my workout catch-phrase, and in addition to being a motivational tool, it is also a stylistic flourish that sets me apart.
WILL: It doesn't even mean anything.
GRACE: Ok. You two figure this out. I'm gonna go work on my glutes.
WILL: Meaning you're gonna go sit at the juice bar?
JACK: You can laugh at "stake it" now, but when it becomes my "dyn-o-mite" or my "leggo my eggo" or my "hey, hey, hey..." Then you'll be laughing, because--
WILL: Wait, wait, wait. What-- Who's that guy?
[WILL POINTS OUT A GUY LIFTING WEIGHTS.]
JACK: That guy? Um, I don't know. He's-- He's that guy. You know, what's-his-name... Generic McPlain-Wrap.
WILL: No, I know him. I just-- I mean, not from the gym, from someplace else.
JACK: Oh, who cares, Will? Probably from some law case where you said 'blah' and he said 'blah' and a judge said 'blah' and ten people died of boredom.
WILL: No. I could swear I-- I--
MITCHELL: [WORKING OUT LOUDLY] Ohh! Ooh! Ohh! Whoo! Ha! I'm done.
WILL: [EMBARASSED] I know how I know him.
[JACK TURNS AWAY, DISGUSTED.]
JACK: You slept with that guy?
WILL: No! We just fooled around.
JACK: But he's a six.
WILL: He's a seven.
JACK: He's a five.
WILL: He's a six.
WILL: It was just one time, you know. I--I had just broken up with Michael. He was my rebound guy. Remember, I met him at the, um--
JACK: Cuddle Bum? [GASPS] That's Cuddle Bum?!
WILL: Shh, shh, shh! God, I was so awful to him. You know, he kept calling and calling, and I just blew him off.
JACK: Wait. Tell me that story again. How does it go? Tell me again.
WILL: No. Forget it.
JACK: Fine, then I'll tell Cuddle Bum you're here.
WILL: [QUICKLY] It was winter. He didn't have any heat in his apartment. We were lying there, and he said, "Will, I'm cold. Would you... Cuddle me bum?"
JACK: Ah! Ha ha ha ha! Ah-ha ha! "Cuddle me bum!" Ha ha ha ha! Cuddle Bum! Oh, that's rich! Ha ha ha! Oh, it's good to laugh again! Ohh. So, Cuddle Bum's in the gym. What are you gonna do? Everything's tainted. That fridge-a-derriere has been on every piece of equipment in this place.
WILL: I'm not gonna do anything. All right? I-I'm a grownup. He's a grownup. If we run into each other, we'll just act like grownups.
MITCHELL: Excuse me. Don't I know you?
WILL: [LOWER VOICE] No. I don't think so. [TO JACK] Come on. Let's go.
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is sitting in her chair at the main door looking at some guys moving stuff out of the office next door. GRACE exits off the service elevator.)
GRACE: Ok. I just gave a homeless guy a quarter, and now I'm pretty sure it was Johnny Depp.
[THE ELEVATOR DOOR BEGINS TO CLOSE, BUT IT GETS STUCK. GRACE PUSHES A BUTTON ON THE SIDE OF THE WALL AND THE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES COMPLETELY.]
GRACE: Ugh! Karen, can you call the maintenance guy and tell him the door keeps sticking. I hate having to reset it every time.
KAREN: No. Honey, I'm watching these burly movers clear out the office next door.
GRACE: They're moving out? I've always wanted that space. Have they rented it yet? Is it still available?
KAREN: I don't know. [YELLING OUT THE DOOR] You move that desk, bitch!
GRACE: Stop that! You work in an office. Conduct yourself with a little dig that fine ass. Whoo!
KAREN: Hey, sweet-cheeks. Do fries go with that shake? Whoo! Yeah!
GRACE: Ha ha ha ha ha!
KAREN: Ha ha ha ha!
[GRACE LEANS OVER KAREN; BOTH OF THEM ARE HANGING OUT THE DOOR.]
GRACE: La la la la la!
KAREN: [GROWLING] Ruff ruff ruff ruff!
[THE MOVER STRUTS UP AND LEANS IN THE DOORWAY.]
MOVER: You like?
GRACE: What?! How dare you? That was offensive!
KAREN: Filthy pig! Ohh!
[GRACE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.]
GRACE: I... I cannot believe they're moving out. I always promised myself that if that space ever opened up, I would rent it, break through that wall, and expand my business.
KAREN: Oh, honey. You have a dream. You know, I have a dream, too... To be rich and beautiful and have a great body. Oh, look. My dream came true. Ha ha ha ha! Whoo! [KAREN THROWS HER HANDS IN THE AIR AND SPINS AROUND.]
GRACE: I just wish this weren't happening right now when I'm so low on cash. God, why did I give Johnny Depp that quarter?
KAREN: Well, Grace... Why don't you just ask me for the money? I mean, come on. I'd give you the loan in a second.
GRACE: Really? Are--are you sure?
KAREN: Of course I'm sure, honey. All you have to do is ask.
GRACE: Ha ha. Ok. Karen, would you loan me the money?
KAREN: Well, I'll have to see a presentation.
KAREN: Grace, I don't know what your business is. I don't know what you do. I mean... For all I know, you could be using the money to buy Ms. Pac-Man machines and pizza ovens.
GRACE: Karen, this isn't Chuck E Cheese. You know that I'm a designer.
KAREN: All I know is there's a pizza here every day at noon.
GRACE: I'm not gonna pitch myself to you. It's insulting. I would rather try and get a loan from a bank.
KAREN: Hmm. All right. Well, suit yourself. [COUGHING] Never gonna happen. Ooh. [COUGHS] Mmm.
GRACE: You know what? I am gonna get that loan. And not just because I'm a smart, successful businesswoman who's run her own design firm for five years, but also because I'll be wearing something see-through.
SCENE III: Grace's Bank
(GRACE is presenting the loan officer with her business papers.)
GRACE: Here's my loan application, some information about the business, and my profit and loss statements for the past five years. I think you'll be very impressed. I know that I am.
SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is sitting at her desk when GRACE enters from her trip to the bank.)
GRACE: Monday morning good for the presentation?
KAREN: I'll see you at the crack of noon, and wear something sheer.
SCENE V: CRUNCH
(WILL is about to grab some hand weights when an attractive man reaches for the same weights.)
WILL: Oh, hey. Sorry. Are you gonna use the 30s?
CURT: Actually, I was gonna use 35.
WILL: Oh, doesn't matter anyway, 'cause I was gonna use the 40s.
[WILL PICKS UP THE WEIGHTS AND HIS ARMS DROP TO THE FLOOR.]
CURT: Who am I kidding? I was gonna use the 30s.
WILL: Thank God, 'cause I'm going for the 15s.
[WILL AND CURT PUT THEIR WEIGHTS BACK ON THE RACK.]
CURT: I'm Curt.
WILL: I'm Will. I'd shake your hand, but it looks kind of heavy.
[CUT TO JACK ON THE TREADMILL. A WOMAN NAMED MARCY IS WALKING ON THE TREADMILL NEXT TO HIM.]
MARCY: Ooh, yeah!
[JACK IS SLIGHTLY STARTLED.]
MARCY: Oh, sorry. Just a little thing I do to keep me going.
JACK: Really? "Ooh, yeah." Where'd you pick that up? The remainders bin at Lame Phrases 'R' Us?
MARCY: I know. It's not great, but I haven't found anything that works as good.
JACK: Oh, my god. This is total serendipity-doo. I have just the phrase you're looking for.
JACK: Yeah. Whenever you need that extra burst of energy, all you have to say is--
TRAINER: [YELLING FROM BEHIND JACK] Stake it! Stake it.
JACK: Exactly. What?!
TRAINER: Stake it!
JACK: Hey, that's my phrase! Hey!
[JACK TURNS AROUND AND TRIPS AND FALLS OFF THE TREADMILL.]
[CUT BACK TO WILL AND CURT.]
WILL: So, I'll see you there tonight around 8:00.
[CURT WALKS OFF AND WILL DOES A LITTLE DANCE, WHICH HE TURNS INTO JUMPING JACKS WHEN HE NOTICES THAT PEOPLE ARE WATCHING HIM.]
[JACK RUNS UP TO WILL, OUT OF BREATH.]
JACK: Will...[PANTING] This is terrible. This is horrible.
WILL: Did you see that guy that was just here? We are going out tonight. How great is that?
JACK: [PANTING] Someone has stolen "stake it." I was on the treadmill about to stake it, and this personal trainer out of nowhere yells, "stake it!"
WILL: Do you want to hear about this guy I just met?
JACK: [PANTING] So I went up to her, and I said... I said, "Excuse me. I don't mind you using stake it, but you do know that it's my catch phrase." And she said she's been saying "stake it" for years, that her sister's ex-boyfriend invented "stake it" in Chicago in 1994 while working in a plastic factory! But how can that be?
WILL: Ok, ok. Jack. I don't--I don't know what to say. I'm outraged. We are not gonna let her get away with this. We are gonna slap such a lawsuit on her, she won't know what hit her.
JACK: Yeah. yeah. Wow. Thanks, Will.
WILL: Yeah. either that, or I'll pants you in public. Let's go with that.
[WILL PULLS JACK'S PANTS DOWN AND WALKS OFF.]
SCENE VI: CRUNCH
(One week later. WILL is at the payphone leaving a message on Curt's answering machine.)
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hey, Curt, it's, uh, it's me Will, again. I'm just calling again to, uh, to tell you what a great time I had the other night... Again. Uh, still love to hear from you. You got my home number, my office, my pager, my cell. Uh, I guess that's it. Although, my--my CB handle is Big Willie. So...uh... [BEEP] Oh, crap! [WILL HANGS UP.]
[JACK POPS UP FROM BEHIND WILL.]
JACK: Hey, buddy. I couldn't help overhearing... Because I was standing here listening. But these incessant phone calls have got to stop. I mean, it's been a week. Have some dignity. Start stalking him.
WILL: Everything's fine. He's probably just out of town.
JACK: Hmm, or you're being blown off.
WILL: That is not possible. We had a great time together. A guy who is blowing you off does not go off the zone just to share a brioche pudding with you.
JACK: He went "off the zone" for you? God, that line's older than "this is the first time I've ever done this with a man."
WILL: [SCOFFS] No. I'm telling you, he's not blowing me off.
JACK: Hey, hey, come on. Let's go ask Marcy. She knows all the gossip here. I swear, she's like a female version of Liz Smith.
[WILL FOLLOWS JACK TO MARCY, WHO'S WALKING ON THE TREADMILL.]
JACK: Hey, girl, give me some spritz. [MARCY SPRAYS JACK WITH HER WATER BOTTLE] Yeah, la la la la. Anyway, listen, Marcy. You know that guy that used to come in here around this time? Is it Curt?
MARCY: Oh, yeah. I know Curt.
JACK: Yeah. Well, my friend here -- Will -- went on a date with him about a week ago.
MARCY: [TO WILL] Oh, wow, are you the "Nibbler"?
WILL: I beg your pardon?
MARCY: Well, I heard that the guy Curt went out with liked to nibble--
WILL: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That-- I'm the nibbler.
MARCY: He's working out in the afternoon now.
WILL: Did he say why?
JACK: Maybe he's avoiding you, Nibbler. Maybe you nibbled off a little more than you can chew.
WILL: Maybe you stop talking like that.
JACK: Maybe you'll tell me what happens if I don't.
WILL: Maybe I tell the management that wasn't a documentary you were shooting in the locker room.
JACK: Maybe I'll stop now.
SCENE VII: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is giving her expansion presentation to KAREN. She's got reports and a model of the floorplan.)
GRACE: So, Mrs. Walker, there you have it-- The business plan, my mission statement, and an essay on why I insist on keeping my hair this way. So, in conclusion, the Grace Adler Designs expansion project not only will benefit Grace Adler Designs, but it will fulfill the dream of your friend, Grace Adler. Thank you.
KAREN: [CLAPPING] Oh, honey.
KAREN: That was a wonderful presentation. I mean it. Wow. Really. A-Plus.
GRACE: Whew. Thanks, Kar. So, what do you say? Do I get the loan?
KAREN: Ok, time for lunch. See you tomorrow.
[KAREN HUMS A TUNE AND GETS IN THE FREIGHT ELEVATOR. THE ELEVATOR CLOSES, BUT THE DOOR GETS STUCK.]
KAREN: Oh. Darn it. It's stuck again. Push the reset button. Let me out of here.
[GRACE DOESN'T MOVE.]
KAREN: What's the problem?
GRACE: I would love to let you out, but before I do, I think I'm gonna need to see a presentation on why I should.
[GRACE TAKES A SEAT IN KAREN'S CHAIR AND FOLDS HER ARMS.]
SCENE VIII: CRUNCH
(WILL enters and sees CURT working out.)
WILL: Hey, Curt. Where ya been?
CURT: Oh, yeah. I've been really busy.
WILL: Yeah? 'Cause it feels like you've been avoiding me.
CURT: No, I haven't been avoiding you. Look, I gotta go. I'll call you.
WILL: No. No, don't-- Don't. Don't do that. Don't lie. Not here. This is a gym. This is-- this is gay church.
CURT: Ok, look. I've sort of been avoiding you. To be honest, I just got out of a relationship, and, uh, you were kind of my rebound guy.
WILL: So, what? You were using me?
CURT: Well, I wouldn't call it using you.
WILL: What would you call it?
CURT: Well, I don't know. Sort of a gay catch-and-release program? Sorry. See ya. [CURT WALKS AWAY.]
WILL: Yeah, well, see if I nibble you again! Your neck tastes like vinegar!
[EVERYONE IS STARING AT WILL...]
WILL: I'm--I'm guessing.
[JACKS RUNS UP TO WILL.]
JACK: Will, I just heard what happened between you and Curt.
WILL: That was two seconds ago!
JACK: She's that good. I guess what goes around comes around.
WILL: What are you talking about?
JACK: Well, Curt blew you off like you blew your guy off.
WILL: Oh, that is totally different. He was a six, and I'm-- [SIGHS] I'm an idiot.
JACK: I'm sorry. Are you bummed?
JACK: But... are you... Cuddle-bummed? Ah ha ha ha!
SCENE IX: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is still stuck in the freight elevator. GRACE is still sitting in the chair.)
GRACE: Come on, Karen. I'm listening. Why do you deserve to be out in the world among decent people?
KAREN: Because Karen Walker helps people. You know, I was just a scared single mom working in a factory, trying to put food on the table, but when I heard about the barbaric conditions in our workplace, I knew something had to be done. I didn't even care how management was gonna brutalize me. No. I stood up on that table, I rang that bell, and I said "Union! Union!"
[KAREN HOLDS HER HANDS IN THE AIR AS IF SHE'S HOLDING A SIGN.]
GRACE: Ok, I'm gonna have to stop you. That's not you. That's Norma Rae.
KAREN: Come on, Gracie. I know I have my flaws. But-- But you, Grace, you're-- You're a kind person. I mean, you wouldn't let a little kitty suffer, much less a fellow human being, so, come on, honey. Let me out of here.
[GRACE GETS UP AND BEGINS DIGGING AROUND HER DESK.]
KAREN: Meow. Meow.
[KAREN BEGINS LICKING HER HAND AND RUBBING HER FACE.]
KAREN: Meowww. Meowww. Meowww.
GRACE: [SIGHS] You're right. I'm too soft-hearted to watch you suffer, so I'm goin' to the movies. Later.
[GRACE WALKS OUT, LEAVING KAREN IN THE ELEVATOR.]
SCENE X: CRUNCH
(WILL walks up to MITCHELL, who's working out on the treadmill.)
MITCHELL: Uh, do I know you?
WILL: Come on. It's Will Truman. We went out once, like four years ago.
MITCHELL: Will Truman... Ah. I seem to remember an answering machine by that name.
WILL: Look, I just-- I want to say I'm sorry. You know, we went out. I never called you back. Of course I remember you. I-- I cuddled your bum. heh.
MITCHELL: Well, why didn't you return my calls? You know, I thought we had a good time. I wasn't all that confident to begin with, you know, and you made me feel like I was no better than a seven.
WILL: Oh, Mitchell. Come on. You are-- You are not a seven. Look, I'd just got out of a relationship, and I was lonely. I didn't think I could handle anything more than one night, so... I'm sorry.
MITCHELL: Well, better late than never, I suppose.
JACK: Will! I got it! Watch. Stake it U.K! It's brilliant. It's British. I'm back.
WILL: So, uh, how've you been?
MITCHELL: Oh, pretty good. Um, after you and I had our thing, I met someone, and, uh, we've been together ever since.
MITCHELL: Well, ok. We broke up for a bit recently, but, uh, he had a fling with someone, sent him running back to me.
WILL: Oh, good. So, happy ending.
MITCHELL: Yeah, yeah. Hey, he's--he's here now. [YELLING] Curt, come here. I want you to meet someone.
WILL: [TO CURT] Wait. You and Cuddle Bum?
CURT: [TO MITCHELL] Wait. You and The Nibbler?
MITCHELL: [TO CURT] Wait. You and Clammy Hands?
WILL: Clammy Hands?!
TRAINER: Hey! Come on, you guys. Stake it U.K.!
SCENE XI: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE returns from the movies, with a box of Runts.)
GRACE: So... Have you thought of anything else to--
[GRACE LOOKS IN THE ELEVATOR. IT'S EMPTY.]
GRACE: Hello? Hello?
[KAREN JUMPS OUT OF THE CORNER AND GRABS GRACE'S HAIR THROUGH THE BARS.]
GRACE: Ow! ow! ow! Ow! ow! ow! ow! Ow! Let go of my hair!
KAREN: Not until you let me out of here!
GRACE: Ok! Ok! Ok! I will!
[KAREN LETS GO OF GRACE.]
GRACE: Psych! Ha ha! I can't believe you fell for that!
KAREN: You know, you can be really mean sometimes.
GRACE: You were really mean to me, putting me through that whole song and dance for nothing. You hurt my feelings.
KAREN: I was sparing your feelings. Honey, I looked over your proposal, and I'm sorry, but that dog just won't hunt. You need to listen to me. You know, I'm pretty good in business. How do you think I got so rich?
GRACE: You married someone rich! You know nothing about business.
KAREN: Oh, yeah? Well, I know that in today's uncertain economic climate, people are taking a long, hard look at any purchase that could be considered a luxury item, e.g., interior design. Then, when you factor in the leading economic indicator i.e., winter housing starts, the negligible impact of the recent interest rate cuts, decline in occupancy rates in corporate office space, it just seems to me that a smaller company Will be better equipped to respond to shifting market forces, but I guess you probably already knew that.
GRACE: [SHEEPISHLY] I know where the market is.
KAREN: Come on, honey. That's why I didn't want to give you the loan. It's better you stay small. Lean, mean, and... flat. [KAREN MOTIONS TO GRACE'S CHEST]
GRACE: But, Kar, why didn't you just say all of this in the first place?
KAREN: Because expanding this pizza parlor was your dream. I didn't wanna just poo on that. It's better that you just think I didn't give you the money 'cause I'm mean.
GRACE: Oh, Karen. That's sweet.
KAREN: Now, come on. Bust my bust outta here.
[GRACE PUSHES THE RESET BUTTON AND OPENS THE ELEVATOR.]
KAREN: Thanks. Now, come on. Give me a hug.
[GRACE HUGS KAREN AND KAREN TURNS HER AROUND AND THROWS HER INTO THE ELEVATOR AND CLOSES THE GATE, WHICH GETS STUCK.]
KAREN: Got you! Ah ha ha!
GRACE: What are you doing? What are you doing?
KAREN: I'm gonna give you a couple of hours to think about what you did to me.