Original Airdate 11/22/2001
Written by Kari Lizer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Michael Angarano (Elliot)
Debbie Reynolds (Bobbi Adler)
Lainie Kazan (Aunt Honey)
Jon Tenney (Paul Truman)
Neil Vipond (Julius)
Kenneth Mars (Uncle Sid)
Helen Slater (Peggy Truman)
Nick Offerman (Nick the Plumber)
Beau Bridges (Daniel McFarland)
Blythe Danner (Mrs. Truman)
Clinton Leupp (Lawrence)
Murray Gershenz (Uncle Funny)
Gene Elman (Uncle Winnie)
SCENE I: Phone Conversation.
(WILL is talking to GRACE on the phone, both flipping through a magazine. The screen is split.)
GRACE: Oh, God. Look at Martha Stewart.
GRACE: 42. Wasn't it bad enough we had to see her in a bathtub? Now here she is in a pilgrim hat hockin' her farkakte holiday crap. It's ridiculous.
WILL: Makes me sick.
GRACE: I love her.
WILL: I wish I was her.
GRACE: Maybe it's just Thanksgiving I hate. You know, the whole holiday family thing. It just makes me so tense. I swear if you put a piece of coal between my butt-cheeks today, by Hanukkah, it'd be a diamond.
WILL: Oh, I doubt that. [SIGHS] I'm so glad we're doing our own Thanksgiving this year.
WILL: Best decision we ever made. We are officially no longer owned by our families.
GRACE: Hey, you know what? Let's catch our own turkey this year.
WILL: Great. I'll meet you in the freezer section of the Gristede's with a big net.
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE. WILL'S SCREEN-SPLIT NOW TAKES UP THE FULL SCREEN.]
[WILL HANDS UP AND CALLS JACK. THE SCREEN SPLITS INTO TWO WITH WILL AND JACK.]
JACK: Hello. J.P. McFarph here.
JACK: You like that? A little something I'm trying out. I think it sounds more distinguished. You know, like H.R. Pufnstuf.
[THE CALL WAITING BEEPS.]
JACK: Hang on. Let me get off the other line.
[JACK CLICKS OVER TO LAWRENCE. THE SCREEN SPLITS INTO THREE SEGMENTS WITH WILL, JACK, AND LAWRENCE.]
JACK: Lawrence, I gotta go.
LAWRENCE: But I had some more gossip for you about Christopher. Here's a hint: he had something raised and something lowered.
JACK: Hold, please.
[JACK CLICKS OVER TO WILL.]
WILL: Hey. Did you get my message about Thanksgiving at my place?
JACK: Yeah, about that. Um, I can't make it. I'm spending Thanksgiving with the Chung-Poviches and the Gurley Browns. They will get crazy if I try to back out on it.
WILL: What about in the real world?
JACK: Oh, in the real world, I'm available, yeah. But you have to come with me to my stepfather's hotel. He's in town for, like, the first time in forever, and he wants to meet Elliot.
WILL: No. No, I don't want to go. This is my anti-family year.
JACK: Please! My mom is making me. If I don't go, she won't pay half my rent.
WILL: I pay half your rent.
JACK: Yeah, so does Karen. Come on. It's 30 minutes alone in a hotel room with a stranger.
WILL: God, I miss the eighties.
[WILL'S CALL WAITING BEEPS.]
WILL: Oh. Hang on. [WILL CLICKS OVER.] Hello?
[THE SCREEN SPLITS INTO FOUR WITH WILL, JACK, LAWRENCE, AND GRACE.]
WILL: Hey. You know, you hung up on me before.
GRACE: Yeah. whatever. Look, my mom didn't get the part she wanted in the Schenectady Women's Center production of Queen Lear. She's really depressed, so we have to make a quick stop at my Aunt Honey's in Brooklyn on Thanksgiving. We? Grace, if I wanted to be around depressed women I'd go to Connecticut and hang out with my mother and her sisters, the haters.
GRACE: Please! If I go alone, who am I gonna give my aren't-these-people-nuts look to? The nuts themselves?
[GRACE'S CALL WAITING BEEPS.]
GRACE: Hold on. [GRACE CLICKS OVER.] Grace Adler Designs.
[THE SCREEN SPLITS INTO FIVE WITH WILL, JACK, LAWRENCE, GRACE, AND NOW KAREN.]
KAREN: Oh, honey, change that blouse. You work in an office, not a pirate ship.
GRACE: You can't even see me.
KAREN: Oh, can't I? Turn around.
[GRACE NERVOUSLY TURNS AROUND...]
KAREN: Ha ha! Made you look! Listen, I got your message about Thanksgiving and you can count me in.
KAREN: The only thing is I need to make a quick stop at the prison. I gotta bring Stan a couple of turkeys and a bib made of mashed potatoes. And I want you to come with.
GRACE: Oh, I can't. I have to get dinner ready and then I have--
KAREN: Oh, great. That's fantastic. Well, thanks. Listen. I'll just go to the prison alone then. Where my husband is... On Thanksgiving. Alone.... Prison.... Husband.... Thanksgiving.... Alone.... Alone! Prison! Aren't you gonna say anything?!
GRACE: Hold on. [GRACE CLICKS OVER TO WILL] Hey, so will you go with me to Aunt Honey's?
WILL: Ok, but then we're gonna have to stop by my family's, too.
WILL: Because... If my mom ever finds out that we did yours and not hers, she'll--she'll summon a winter that'll last a thousand years. Oops. I got Jack. Hold on. [WILL CLICKS OVER TO JACK] Hey.
JACK: Do not leave me on hold that long! That might've been fine for Jack McFarland, but J.P. McFarph will not take this guff!
WILL: Ok, listen. I'll go to your stepdad's with you if you go to my parents' house with me and Grace's Aunt Honey's house with her.
JACK: [NON-CHALANTLY] Ok.
WILL: Cool. Hold on. [WILL CLICKS OVER TO GRACE] Hey.
WILL: Ok, I'll go to Aunt Honey's with you if you'll go to my parents' with me, and we have to stop by Jack's stepdad's with him.
GRACE: Ok, you go to Aunt Honey's with me, I go to your parents' with you and Jack's stepdad's with him. And then we can go with Karen real quick to visit Stan in prison?
WILL: Why not?
GRACE: Great. [GRACE CLICKS OVER TO KAREN] Hey.
GRACE: I think we got it. I'll go to prison with you if you go to my Aunt Honey's with me and Will's parents' with him and Jack's stepdad's with him, and then we'll all come back and have a nice Thanksgiving dinner, ok?
KAREN: I don't wanna.
GRACE: But-- I-- Then--
KAREN: Oh, ok.
[KAREN HANGS UP.]
GRACE: Hey, ok. [GRACE CLICKS OVER TO WILL] I think we got it. I'll see you later.
[GRACE HANGS UP]
WILL: Right. [WILL CLICKS OVER TO JACK] Jack, that'll be the plan. See you later.
JACK: Yeah. Talk to you later.
[WILL HANGS UP.]
[JACK HANGS UP.]
[CUT TO LAWRENCE, WHO IS THE ONLY PERSON STILL ON THE LINE.]
[LAWRENCE'S DOORBELL RINGS.]
LAWRENCE: Mother, can you get the door? I'm on hold.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment, Thanksgiving Day
(WILL and GRACE are in the kitchen. WILL is basting the turkey.)
WILL: Grace, while I got it out, want to start a family?
GRACE: You know what's funny about that?
GRACE: No, I'm asking.
[JACK ENTERS FROM THE BALCONY, HANGING UP THE PHONE.]
JACK: Ok, I promised Elliot's mom I'd have him back by 4:30.
[JACK NOTICES WILL USING THE TURKEY BASTER.]
JACK: Oh, my God. You can use that for turkey, too?
[ROSARIO AND KAREN ENTER.]
ROSARIO: Happy Thanksgiving, people.
WILL: Happy Thanksgiving.
KAREN: Mmm. oh, what smells so good?
WILL: Well, I did a little something with the stuffing this year. This sort of aromatic--
KAREN: [KAREN PICKS UP A BOTTLE OFF THE TABLE] Oh, no. Here it is. [SHE POURS A DRINK.]
WILL: Rosario, thanks for coming. Look. We're gonna be out all afternoon, so it's really important you gotta baste the turkey like, every 20 minutes or so.
ROSARIO: [TO KAREN] You told me we were going to Tony Roma's and then to a late movie.
KAREN: Oh, we're going to a movie. Yeah, it's a dirty flick. It's called Rosie Does Dishes. Now get those paws into a couple of oven mitts.
ROSARIO: How about I get them into a handful of your hair and play spin-the-drunk?
WILL: Ok. Let's get going, and let's try to keep the eating to a minimum, not spoil our appetites by gorging on everybody else's turkey and stuffing and pecan pie.
GRACE: Why do you look at me when you say that?
WILL: Who should I be looking at?
GRACE: [SHEEPISHLY] Me.
WILL: Ok, I figure we each get one hour. We'll set this timer and when it goes off... [DING] We're out of there no matter what. We do not respond to guilt, shame, tears, or flattery.
JACK: Why do you look at me when you say that?
WILL: Who should I be looking at?
JACK: [SHEEPISHLY] Me.
WILL: So, listen for the ding. That loud, piercing, high-pitched sound.
KAREN: Why do you look at me when you say that?
WILL: We respond only to the ding because only the ding will set us free. Understand? Let's try it.
[WILL DINGS THE BELL: DING!]
[WILL, JACK, KAREN, AND GRACE GRAB THEIR COATS AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR.]
ROSARIO: Well, this piece fell off already.
ROSARIO: But if I get this knife, this piece will come right off.
SCENE III: The Rental SUV--On the way to the Brooklyn House of Detention for Men
(Madonna's "Holiday" plays on the radio and everyone moves their heads to the music.)
WILL: Ok. Karen, one hour. I don't mean to rush you, but if we're gonna get back in time for dinner, we've all got to stick to the plan.
KAREN: You gays and your discipline. No wonder you all end up in the clergy.
GRACE: Ok, Kar. Let's go.
KAREN: Oh, no. That's ok, honey, I'll go alone. Besides, you're not really dressed for prison.
GRACE: Too nice?
KAREN: Sure, let's go with that.
[CUT TO THE VISITOR'S ROOM. KAREN IS SITTING AT A BOOTH ACROSS FROM STANLEY WALKER (WHOSE BACK IS TO THE CAMERA). THEY ARE SEPARATED BY GLASS, TALKING INTO PHONES.]
KAREN: Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. Walker. I brought you a turkey and, uh, if you look inside, I hid a little surprise in there for you. A chicken.
KAREN: What's that, hon? You miss the kids? Ok. Here they are.
[KAREN CLIMBS ON TOP OF THE DESK AND KNEELS IN FRONT OF THE GLASS AND SHAKES HER BREASTS AT STAN THROUGH THE WINDOW. SHE CLIMBS BACK DOWN.]
KAREN: Oh, you're welcome, Mr. Walker.
KAREN: Come on. What? Well, of course, Stanley. You can talk to me about anything.
[CUT BACK TO THE SUV. GRACE IS DRINKING SOME BOTTLED WATER.]
GRACE: I hope you don't mind, Will. I had some of your water.
WILL: I didn't have a water.
[GRACE LOOKS TO JACK....]
JACK: Not mine.
GRACE: And Karen doesn't drink water. [PANICKED] Oh, my God! Rental-car-stranger water! Oh, my God! How do I know this was water? You know, when boys go on road trips, they don't make pee-stops. They just use a water bottle. Oh, my God!
WILL: Grace, don't you think you would've noticed if you were drinking pee?
[KAREN GETS IN THE TRUCK. SHE HANDS THE TIMER TO WILL.]
WILL: There's still 40 minutes left on the timer. What happened?
KAREN: Oh, we were done. There's really not much left to say after your husband tells you he wants you to start sleeping with other people.
GRACE: That's intense.
[GRACE TAKES A DRINK OF THE WATER.]
GRACE: Aah! I did it again!
SCENE IV: The SUV--On the way to Grace's Aunt Honey's House.
GRACE: He must have been kidding.
WILL: What exactly did Stan say?
KAREN: He said he wasn't sure how long he was gonna be in there and it wasn't fair to ask me to wait for him. He wants me to be sexually satisfied while he's in prison. I don't know why. He certainly didn't care while he was out.
JACK: Oh, Kar. I know what you're going through. I was once with a man who encouraged me to cheat on him. Well, not encouraged so much as didn't know.
GRACE: Well, maybe it's-- It's not called cheating if you have permission.
JACK: Yeah, maybe it's just called fantastic.
KAREN: Well, it doesn't matter. Even if, at this very moment, his cellmate is tattooing "Property of Javier" on Stan's fat, wide ass with a hot ballpoint, I'm a one-man woman!
WILL: Woman? I think you mean "lady."
GRACE: Ok, listen. We're getting close to Aunt Honey's, so I need to brief you. Whatever you do, do not tell my mother that Nathan and I broke up.
JACK: You haven't told her? [TO KAREN] You see how I went up at the end, like I cared?
GRACE: Look, she always said that I was wasting my time with him, and there's nothing she loves more than saying "I told you so." She's so obnoxious. She even has a little told-you-so dance.
WILL: Grace, you have an I-told-you-so dance.
GRACE: Yeah, well... but mine's cute. Everyone thinks so.
WILL: Who's everyone?
GRACE: Shouldn't you be looking for a parking space? The only good news is that my mother's still depressed about not getting that part in Queen Lear, so there's a chance she won't sing.
[CUT TO AUNT HONEY'S HOUSE. THE GANG OPENS THE DOOR. GRACE'S AUNT HONEY AND UNCLE SID ARE HOME. AUNT REBA, UNCLE JOE, AND UNCLE FUNNY ARE ALL SITTING ON THE COUCH. BOBBI ADLER IS SITTING AT THE PIANO WITH JULIUS.]
BOBBI: [SINGING] Am I blue? Am I blue? Are these tears in my eyes tellin' you?
KAREN: We'll back out real slow-like. I don't think we've been spotted.
HONEY: Look who it is!
WILL: Oh, hey!
HONEY: My Gracala. Come here.
[AUNT HONEY HUGS GRACE.]
GRACE: Aunt Honey!
[AUNT HONEY KISSES GRACE ON EACH CHEEK TWICE.]
HONEY: Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
HONEY: I have to kiss everybody twice, like in France.
BOBBI: [TO GRACE] Hello, darling. I'm very depressed. We don't have to talk about it.
GRACE: Ok. Sorry we're late. We had to walk a mile and a half from Will's parking space.
WILL: Uh, excuse me. Will's kick-ass parking space.
KAREN: Yeah. On the corner of "Urine" and "Crime Spree."
GRACE: Ok, everyone. These are my friends, Jack, Karen. You all know Will.
[AUNT HONEY KISSES JACK ON EACH CHEEK TWICE.]
JACK: Hi. Oh, bonjour. Oh, bonjour. Ok. Oh, wonderful.
JACK: [TO AUNT HONEY] Oh, I love the whole kitschy thing you got going on here.
HONEY: What do you mean, kitschy?
JACK: Heh heh. I--I meant... Kitschy-kitschy-koo, look at you.
GRACE: Ok. Introductions. [GRACE MOTIONS TO THE RELATIVES ON THE COUCH.] Uncle Sid, Aunt Reba, Uncle Joe, Uncle Funny. Acid reflux, I.B.S., bursitis, phlebitis.
GRACE: Julius! And this is Julius, my mom's pianist.
KAREN AND JACK [BOTH]: [SNICKERING] Pianist.
JULIUS: [TO WILL] Hello.
WILL: Oh, uh, we've met.
JULIUS: And so we meet again... For the first time.
SID: [TO WILL] So, you're the boyfriend.
WILL: No, actually. I'm--I'm not the boyfriend.
SID: He's the boyfriend.
JACK: God, no!
SID: Where's the boyfriend?
BOBBI: Yeah, where is the boyfriend, or, as I like to call him, "It'll end in tears."
GRACE: His name is Nathan, mom, and he's with his own family. How are you?
BOBBI: Well, I guess for someone who's been kicked in the knockers by the business that I devoted my entire life to, I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm devastated. Oh....
[KAREN PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF PILLS AND POPS ONE.]
KAREN: [TO THE PILL BOTTLE] Thanks for comin'.
HONEY: [TO KAREN] I saw that. What are you taking? Give me one. I got a really bad back.
KAREN: Hmm. [READING THE BOTTLE] Well, I guess these things can be used for pain. So, how'd you hurt your back? Runnin' away from good taste? Ha ha ha ha!
HONEY: You got some mouth on you. It so happens that I strained it during a round of passionate lovemaking with my super, Mr. Lopez. I'm committing adultery. Shh.
[CUT TO WILL AND UNCLE SID SITTING ON THE COUCH.]
SID: ...and I had a cousin who was in a car accident. When they opened him up, can you guess what they found?
WILL: A smaller cousin?
SID: What is that? How could they find a smaller cousin inside my cousin?
WILL: I was really just-- I was just joking.
SID: Why would you joke about such a thing? I'm telling you a story about my cousin who was in a car accident. He's dead now, in fact. Still funny, Mr. Jan Murray?
[CUT BACK TO HONEY AND KAREN IN THE KITCHEN.]
KAREN: So, this super, uh... How good are we talkin' here?
HONEY: Let's just say everything in the building is broken, but I still call him "super."
KAREN: I mean, there's really nothing stopping me. My husband did give me permission.
HONEY: Well, my husband gave me permission, too. Ever since he spent our entire nest egg on a Toyota MR2.
[CUT TO JACK AND BOBBI, SITTING AT THE PIANO. BOBBI HAS HER HEAD ON JACK'S SHOULDER.]
BOBBI: I tell ya, Jackie. It's a rough business. 10% talent, 20% looks, and 70% is luck of the draw.
JACK: God, that's so depressing. I mean, you want to believe that sexual favors play some part in it.
BOBBI: I'll never be happy again. It's over for me. I may not even audition for The Ice Person Cometh.
JACK: Hey, Bobbi. Come on. Cheer up.
JACK: Huh? It's not that bad. Smile a little bit. [BOBBI WHIMPERS] Come on, at least Nathan dumped Grace.
[BOBBI GETS UP AND RUNS TO GRACE.]
BOBBI: Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry.
GRACE: What? What just happened? What?
BOBBI: How you must feel. The pain. Dumped by a bran flake.
GRACE: What?! How do you--! Jack.
JACK: Wait, wait. Before you say anything, let me just ask you this...
[JACK RUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE.]
GRACE: No, no, no. Get away from me, ok?
BOBBI: Oh, now, come on, now, now. A woman needs to be with her mother at a time like this.
GRACE: Mom, just stay where you are. Julius, will you please help?
JULIUS: Oh, no, no, no, no. I never come between a woman and her mother. I made that mistake with my first wife.
BOBBI: Oh, honey, I know how awful it is that it didn't work out for the two of you, and I'm afraid that I have to say--
GRACE: No. Don't say it.
BOBBI: Oh, well, I-- I think I have to say it.
GRACE: No, mom. I am really, really, really vulnerable right now.
BOBBI: Well, maybe I don't have to say it. I'll just do the dance.
GRACE: No, mom. please.
BOBBI: I told you so. I told you so. I told you, told you, told you so.
GRACE: You can't act!
GRACE: You stink!
BOBBI: I just wish that I had said this to you before your audition so that I, too, could know the joy of saying "I told you so."
GRACE: Told you so. Told you so. Told ya, told ya, told ya so--
GRACE: Gotta go. Love you. Call me tomorrow. Have a good Thanksgiving.
SCENE V: The SUV--On the way to Elliot's House
GRACE: It's the one thing I asked you not to do!
JACK: The woman was depressed. I felt it was my duty as a fellow thespian to turn her mask of tragedy into one of comedy.
GRACE: I'm gonna hurt you. Right now.
[ALL SHOUT AS GRACE TURNS AROUND AND GRABS FOR JACK.]
WILL: Hey, hey! That's enough! It's over!
JACK: Wait, slow down. Slow down. I know it's right along here somewhere. I can never remember which building is Elliot's.
WILL: Could it be that one he's standing in front of and waving?
JACK: No, that's not it. We might be on the wrong street.
[WILL STOPS. ELLIOT GETS IN.]
JACK: Oh, ah ha. Hey, Elliot.
GRACE: Hey, Elliot.
[ELLIOT HANDS JACK A PIE.]
ELLIOT: Here. My mom made you a pie. Um, she's not a very good cook. It started out a taco salad.
KAREN: Hey. Kid. Ever cheated?
ELLIOT: Uh, once, on an algebra quiz.
KAREN: Hmm. Did it feel good?
ELLIOT: I got a 90. [WINKS AND CLICKS TONGUE]
JACK: Ok. fasten your seat belts, folks. You are about to meet my stepdad... A man whose cruelty is exceeded only by his inability to love.
ELLIOT: Well, that sucks.
JACK: I'm just sayin', he's like ice. He's the meanest man alive.
[CUT TO DANIEL MCFARLAND'S HOTEL ROOM. HE OPENS THE DOOR AND EVERYONE ENTERS.]
DANIEL: [VERY FRIENDLY] Welcome! [HUGGING WILL] Welcome. I'm so thrilled to finally meet Jack's friends. [HUGGING GRACE] Hi, how are you? [HUGGING KAREN] Good to see you. Jackie! [DANIEL HUGS JACK] Ahh.
JACK: [STAND-OFFISH] Father. You're looking distant and shaming.
DANIEL: [CONFUSED] Ok. [TO ELLIOT] So, you must be Elliot.
ELLIOT: Nice to meet you. [ELLIOT SHAKES DANIEL'S HAND.]
DANIEL: Ah, please. Make yourselves at home. I brought some food up, I got some drinks there. I'm just so glad you're all here. As they say at my friend Sue Casa's house: mi casa es su casa.
JACK: He barely knows Sue Casa.
DANIEL: Help yourselves.
[DANIEL MOTIONS JACK AND ELLIOT INTO THE BEDROOM. GRACE, WILL, AND KAREN STAY IN THE LIVING ROOM.]
WILL: Karen, want something to drink?
KAREN: No. I'm thinking about cheating on Stan.
GRACE: That means a double vodka.
[CUT TO THE BEDROOM.]
DANIEL: So, Jack. I got you a little something.
[DANIEL HANDS JACK A BOX.]
JACK: Hmm. [JACK SHAKES THE BOX] Mm-hmm. I wonder what this could be. Your approval? No, doesn't feel heavy enough.
[JACK TOSSES THE BOX DOWN ON THE BED AND GOES TO THE WINDOW TO POUT.]
DANIEL: Ok. [TO ELLIOT] So tell me, Elliot. What do you do for a living?
ELLIOT: Uh, I go to seventh grade.
DANIEL: Oh, that's a good job. You married?
DANIEL: Me, too.
JACK: I'm divorced, too. I guess nobody cares about that!
DANIEL: Jack, it's the holidays. Let's have a little fun around here. Elliot. Can I get you some juice?
JACK: Oh, what is that supposed to be? some, like, weird dig at me? Like, juice? Like, fruit juice? Like, ooh, I'm gay?
DANIEL: Oh. Oh, before I forget, I didn't have time to wrap it, but here. I hope you like... Football!
[DANIEL THROWS A FOOTBALL TO ELLIOT. ELLIOT CATCHES THE FOOTBALL.]
JACK: He doesn't like it at all.
[JACK GRABS THE FOOTBALL AND TRIES TO THROW IT, BUT IT FALLS BEHIND HIM.]
ELLIOT: Yeah, I do. I love football. I'm on the team at school and my mom hates it.
DANIEL: Oh, hey, moms are supposed to hate it. Jack wasn't a big fan of it either when he was growing up. I gave him a ball once for his birthday, and he put it in his shirt and told everyone he was pregnant with George Michael's baby. Ha ha ha ha!
JACK: [MOCKING] Heh heh heh heh...
[LATER... DANIEL IS PLAYING A CARD GAME WITH ELLIOT.]
DANIEL: Pick the lady and you win a dollar. Red, black, black. Just follow the lady. Pick the queen.
ELLIOT: Uh...this one?
DANIEL: Sorry. Jack?
JACK: It's that one. I know it is.
[DANIEL TURNS OVER THE CARD.]
JACK: And once again you set me up for failure.
[CUT TO THE LIVING ROOM. KAREN, GRACE, AND WILL ARE WATCHING FOOTBALL ON TV.]
KAREN: Wow. Those football players... Their asses are so high.
WILL: I'm hungry.
GRACE: I'm thirsty.
KAREN: I could hump a tree.
[CUT BACK TO THE BEDOOM. DANIEL IS TRYING TO GUESS ELLIOT'S CARD.]
DANIEL: It's...that one.
DANIEL: All right! You did it. You know what that means, don't you? You get to keep my lucky cards.
ELLIOT: No, I can't take these from you.
DANIEL: You said you liked 'em.
ELLIOT: Yeah, they're great--
DANIEL: Come on. I want you to have 'em.
ELLIOT: No, I can't--
JACK: Oh, just take the cards, Elliot! Take the damn cards! The man wants you to have the cards, take the cards! [TO DANIEL] And you, man, stop badgering the boy!
DANIEL: You better take 'em.
ELLIOT: Heh. Thanks.
DANIEL: All right.
[CUT TO THE LIVING ROOM.]
JACK: [PEEKING INTO THE LIVING ROOM] Ding.
JACK: [PEEKING INTO THE LIVING ROOM] Ding.
JACK: [ENTERING] Ding! Ding! Ding ding ding!
WILL: What are you doing? What's the matter with you?
JACK: Ding the dang bell! Ding the dang bell!
DANIEL: [ENTERING] Is there something wrong, Jack? If you have something to say to me, just say it.
JACK: Ok. There is something that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time.
JACK: Gotta go. Elliot!
GRACE: [TO DANIEL] So, so nice to meet you. I hope you don't mind-- I finished the water in the big bottle on the side table.
DANIEL: Oh, that wasn't mine. It was here when I checked in.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(ROSARIO is picking at the turkey. There's a big chuck missing.)
ROSARIO: Uh-oh. Uh...
[ROSARIO GRABS SOME GARNISH AND TRIES TO FIX THE HOLE IN THE TURKEY.]
SCENE VII: The SUV-On the way to The Truman's
WILL: Well, these last few stops have been a nice warm-up, now, brace yourself for real dysfunction-- WASP dysfunction. You can't say it. You can't talk about it, but you know it's there.
GRACE: Kind of like a fart in church. Just tell them about the code.
WILL: Oh, yes, the code. "Business trip" is the code for my father's affair with his mistress, otherwise known as "associate," "colleague," or "client."
GRACE: I learned that the hard way last Easter when I talked about taking on three clients at the same time.
JACK: God, I miss the nineties.
WILL: If you're feeling remotely full after appetizers, don't undo your top button. You'll need that to hold in your feelings.
[THE GANG ENTER'S WILL'S PARENTS' HOUSE.]
PAUL: Hey, look who's here!
WILL: Hey, guys!
PAUL: What's with the haircut?
WILL: Thanks, Paul. Nice to see you, too.
PAUL: Hey, Willie, I just mentioned your haircut. You don't have to cry about it.
KAREN: [QUIETLY TO GRACE] Hey, hey! Is that the brother you slept with as a substitute for the gay one you're in love with but can never really have?
GRACE: No. That's his other brother Sam.
WILL: Paul, Peggy, these are my friends, Karen, Jack, and, of course, Grace.
PEGGY: Grace, it's so nice to meet you. There's a woman where I get my hair done in Westport... She's Jewish, too.
GRACE: Oh, sure. I've seen her at the meetings.
JACK: [TO PAUL] Excuse me. Where's the little boys' room? I think I need to take a business trip. [TO WILL] Was that right?
MRS. TRUMAN: Here you are! Oh, Will, darling, ooh ooh ooh ooh! Let me shut the door. I don't want to have to deal with that gossipy new neighbor.
MRS. TRUMAN: [YELLING ACROSS THE HALL] Hello! Hello, Mrs. Schaefer.
[MRS. TRUMAN SHUTS THE DOOR.]
MRS. TRUMAN: Her eldest has a lazy eye. Her youngest is a prostitute. Oh, Grace, dear, I was just finishing up the soup bowls. I saw a special on the Food Network on how to make them out of gourds. Oh, food can be such fun.
KAREN: This is where I'm going to die....
MRS. TRUMAN: Who wants a martini?
KAREN: Oh, and I've gone to heaven!
MRS. TRUMAN: If you need to change, there's a guest room at the top of the stairs.
WILL: No, mom. This is what we're wearing.
MRS. TRUMAN: Oh, good. You should be comfortable. I guess I'm just, what? Am I old-fashioned, I guess?
WILL: So, uh, where's dad?
MRS. TRUMAN: Oh, he had a last-minute business meeting. It seems his...client couldn't wait till after the holidays. Oh, you know your father and his work.
WILL: Yeah, he's dedicated.
GRACE: [TO PAUL] Hey... I'm sorry Sam couldn't make it, but I'm so glad you're here. I never get to see you.
PEGGY: Paul, sweetie, come sit next to me.
GRACE: Hi, I'm Grace. You must be Uncle Winnie.
[MRS. TRUMAN ENTERS WITH A TRAY OF MARTINIS.]
MRS. TRUMAN: Oh, don't bother, darling. He's on medication. He thinks you're a balloon. Oh, and one more thing-- [TO PAUL AS HE TAKES A MARTINI] That's three-- Could you please come and help me? I'm having some trouble with the garbage disposal. I called the plumber, but it's a holiday, so, you know--
MRS. TRUMAN: Oh! Don't touch the wall, Jack.
JACK: Will, I'm a-scared.
WILL: You should be.
[KAREN AND GRACE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH.]
KAREN: I like Will's family. They drink.
GRACE: Were you serious about what you said before? Are you really thinking about having sex with someone?
KAREN: [SIGHS] Oh, for God's sakes, stop fishing, you big lez. It's not gonna be with you.
GRACE: Aw, shucks. And I made myself all purty.
KAREN: But, you know, if I was gonna do it, it'd have to be just the right situation, you know? And just the right kind of guy. A big, swarthy, hunky, working-class kind of guy. You know, the kind that wears a tool belt but doesn't know how to spell it.
GRACE: I wouldn't hold your breath. That kind of guy only exists in porno movies.
[A PLUMBER ENTERS CARRYING A TOOL BOX.]
NICK: Uh, excuse me, ladies. Uh, someone needed their pipes cleaned out?
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS]
MRS. TRUMAN: Oh, that sounds like your father's ring.
[SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND IMMEDIATELY HANGS UP.]
MRS. TRUMAN: Let's eat. I'll get the soup. Tell everybody to take their seats. Their names are on the artichokes. Now, they're all in a particular order, so no switching!
[EVERYONE TAKES THEIR SEAT.]
PAUL: [TO WILL] I'm glad I get to taste mom's soup before Peggy and I have to take off.
WILL: What are you talking about? You're not taking off. I'm taking off.
PAUL: Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. I have to.
WILL: No, no, no. Not this year.
PAUL: Come on, Will. You're her favorite. You should stay.
WILL: I am not her-- Even so, I'm going!
[CUT TO THE KITCHEN. NICK THE PLUMBER IS ON HIS BACK, UNDER THE SINK, FIXING THE PIPES.]
KAREN: Whatcha doing? Fixing things?
NICK: Well, this disposal-- I've got a bolt here that just won't go in.
KAREN: Oh, well, maybe you should talk dirty to it. I mean, you were saying?
NICK: Unh! Whoo! I'm exhausted.
[KAREN HANDS NICK A GLASS. NICK TAKES A DRINK AND NEARLY GAGS.]
NICK: That's gin!
KAREN: Is it?!
[KAREN DOWNS THE WHOLE GLASS]
KAREN: Why, you're right.
[CUT TO THE DINING ROOM.]
MRS. TRUMAN: Grace, darling, please tuck this napkin under your chin. The last time you ruined my tablecloth with all your--blblblbl-- slopping.
PAUL: Well, gotta go.
WILL: Paul, could I talk to you a minute?
PAUL: Will, eat your soup. Mom made it. It's in gourds.
[CUT TO THE KITCHEN.]
NICK: Guess I'm finished.
KAREN: Are you? Or are you just getting started?
NICK: What's left to do?
KAREN: Well, if you poke around a little bit, I bet you could find something.
NICK: I'm sure I can.
KAREN: Don't talk. You'll wreck it.
[KAREN GRABS NICK AND KISSES HIM PASSIONATELY. SHE THEN PUSHES HIM AWAY AND SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE.]
NICK: What's going on here?
KAREN: I'm not sure.
[KAREN KISSES HIM AGAIN, THEN SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE.]
KAREN: Oh! How dare you! I'm a married woman!
[CUT TO THE LIVING ROOM. PAUL IS PUTTING ON HIS COAT AND WILL HAS FOLLOWED HIM.]
PAUL: Sorry, man, I've got obligations.
WILL: So do I!
PAUL: There is a huge difference between my obligation to my family and your obligation to your friends.
WILL: My friends are my family.
PAUL: Your situation is completely different, and you know it! You made that choice.
WILL: Choice?! Are you kidding me?! Look, let's go over this again. My being gay is no more a choice--
[MRS. TRUMAN ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM.]
MRS. TRUMAN: Paul, don't leave yet. I just want to send a little bottle of wine over to Peg's folks for the holidays. Just a little thank you for forgetting us this year. Well, what's going on here?
PAUL: Nothing. Will's crying.
WILL: I am not! Look, we--we just both have places we need to be.
PAUL: We both feel that one of us should stay. Mom, you pick.
WILL: Oh, that is so unfair. Don't make her choose. You know who she's gonna pick.
MRS. TRUMAN: I pick Paul.
WILL: Of course-- What?
[KAREN AND JACK GRAB THEIR COATS AND RUN OUT THE DOOR, FOLLOWED BY KAREN WITH NICK'S TOOL BELT.]
[KAREN TURNS BACK IN AND DROPS THE TOOL BELT AND RUNS BACK OUT.]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, JACK, and KAREN are sitting at the table full of food. The hole in the turkey is covered by garnish. ROSARIO is nervously standing nearby.)
WILL: Well, I would like to propose a toast. To our own Thanksgiving... To no longer being at the mercy of our mothers, fathers, brothers.
WILL: Feels pretty good, doesn't it?
GRACE: I hate the way I left things with my mom. I feel terrible.
JACK: I feel worse about what happened between me and my step-dad.
GRACE: Why worse?
JACK: Because it happened to me.
KAREN: Hey, what about me? Stan put me in an awful position... And that plumber nearly did, too.
WILL: Yeah, well, I feel fine.
GRACE: No, you don't.
WILL: No, I don't! How could she pick Paul over me?! Well, let's dig into this turkey.
ROSARIO: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait a minute! Um, doesn't it seem wrong to enjoy a beautiful uneaten Turkey when you have all this unfinished emotional business?
WILL: You know what? She's right. Two minutes each-- We say our piece, and we get out.
JACK: But I'm starved.
WILL: So? The turkey'll still be here when we get back.
ROSARIO: Or whatever. Go. Go! Go...
WILL: I'm sorry, Rosario, but we'll try to be as quick as we can. Have a piece of fruit to tide yourself over.
[THE DOOR SLAMS AS EVERYONE LEAVES.]
ROSARIO: Fruit, my ass!
(The gang is back in the SUV. First stop: The Brooklyn House of Detention)
WILL: Two minutes. Go! [WILL HANDS KAREN THE TIMER.]
[KAREN IS BACK IN THE VISITOR'S ROOM WITH STANLEY.]
KAREN: Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! Don't talk. I got something to say to you, and I don't have a lot of time. I'm angry with you, Stanley. Why do you want me to have sex with other men? I mean, sure, I'm miserable without you, but it's not the kind of miserable that's gonna go away with a quick tongue-wrestle with a-- I don't know-- 5' 10" maintenance man with a-- I don't know-- musky smell of Paco Rabanne and dirty metal and a-- I don't know-- Chinese serenity symbol tattooed on his left bicep... Or something. I mean, the point is, I don't want any man but you. I love you... Every fold, nook, and cranny of you, you two-ton English muffin! Hey, we still got 40 seconds left. What do you want to do? Oh! Ha! Ok. Only this time, you stick your boobs on the glass. Come on, come on. Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. Walker. I love you.
[CUT BACK TO THE CAR. KAREN HANDS THE TIMER TO GRACE.]
KAREN: Two minutes-- Go!
[GRACE ENTERS AUNT HONEY'S HOUSE.]
GRACE: Hey, everyone, would you mind if I had a minute alone with my mom? [NO ONE MOVES.] Thanks. [TO BOBBI] There's something I need to say to you.
BOBBI: Oh, and what's that? You already told me I can't act. Did you come back to tell me I can't sing?
GRACE: Oh, mom, of course you can s-- Let's not get into that right now. Look, I-- I hate what I said to you. I was just upset. But the whole "I told you so" thing-- it's just-- it's just that sometimes it seems like you love being right even more than you love me.
BOBBI: Are you kidding, dear? I love you more than anything in the world.
GRACE: That's sweet, mom. I guess-- I guess a part of me does appreciate that on some level, but the dance... Why the dance?
BOBBI: Well, it's cute, darling. Everybody thinks so.
GRACE: Who is "everybody"?
BOBBI: Look, the point is that it bothers you, so I just won't say "I told you so" anymore.
GRACE: Mom, I want to believe that, but in 33 years you have never been able to restrain yourself.
BOBBI: I promise you, dear, you'll never hear it again.
GRACE: 'Cause there are a lot of things that... You've been right about. Like...a day doesn't go by that I don't wish that I could play the piano... Or speak a foreign language... Type... Had a nursing certificate just in case... And you were right. That guy from Greatneck was married. You're the only one who could see that coming. Not I... Just you.
GRACE: Wow. Thank you for that, mom. I love you.
BOBBI: I love you, too, dear.
[GRACE AND BOBBI HUG, THEN GRACE EXITS]
BOBBI: I told her so! I told her so! I told her so!
[CUT BACK TO THE CAR. GRACE HANDS THE TIMER TO JACK.]
GRACE: Two minutes-- Go!
[JACK ENTERS HIS STEP-DAD'S HOTEL ROOM.]
JACK: I just have one question for you... How dare you be so nice to Elliot! Where was that guy when I was growing up?!
DANIEL: Well, I was probably--
JACK: Oh, is that supposed to be your answer? You are ten times the father with him than you ever were with me.
DANIEL: No, I don't think you--
JACK: Don't change the subject! For my 12th birthday I asked for a "Beautiful Chrissy" doll with beautiful hair that grows. And what did you get me? A dirt bike?! What the hell's a 12-year-old boy gonna do with a dirt bike?! You don't know me at all!
DANIEL: Hey, you don't know me either. It's not like you took any interest in me.
JACK: I was a kid. I wasn't supposed to.
DANIEL: Yeah, you got me there.
JACK: [A BIT OFF-GUARD] Yeah, I do, don't I?
DANIEL: You were a tough kid to figure out. It was like having a foreign exchange student in the house. You spoke your own language and wore a beret.
JACK: Well, you should have tried harder.
DANIEL: You're right. I should have. I was a crap father. I'm sorry. But, Jack, I'm not the same guy.
JACK: Well, I am. I'm still mad.
DANIEL: I know. But what do you get out of holding on to something like that? I'd really like us to get closer, Jack.
JACK: Well, it won't be easy. I'm very complicated. I am a swirling mass of contradictions. Sometimes I'm happy. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes-- Well, I guess those are the only two. But... You really want to get to know me?
DANIEL: I do. If you want to take the time to get to know me.
JACK: I guess I wouldn't be adverse to that. I'll take that present now.
DANIEL: [LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM] Ok, uh...
JACK: [POINTING] Right there on the bed.
[DANIEL PICKS UP THE BOX AND HANDS IT TO JACK.]
DANIEL: I didn't know what to get you, so I just, uh, put some money in a box.
JACK: [TOUCHED] Oh, pop, you do know me!
[CUT BACK TO THE CAR. JACK HANDS THE TIMER TO WILL.]
JACK: Ok, two minutes-- Go.
[WILL ENTERS HIS MOTHER'S HOUSE.]
WILL: So, what? Paul is your favorite now? Where is he? [YELLING INTO THE HOUSE] Favorite?!
MRS. TRUMAN: I sent him home.
WILL: You what?
MRS. TRUMAN: I just-- I don't know. I didn't want him around.
WILL: But you chose him. You'd obviously rather have him around than me.
MRS. TRUMAN: Oh, William, sweetheart, you know I don't have favorites. But if I did, you know who it would be. That's why I could pick Paul in front of you, but I couldn't pick you in front of Paul. Hmm?
WILL: Because he would have cried, right? Because he's the crier.
MRS. TRUMAN: Now, go home. Be with your family. I'm giving you Thanksgiving off this year.
WILL: No, no, look, I don't think you should be alone on a holiday.
MRS. TRUMAN: Honey, I'm not alone. I've got Uncle Winnie.
WINNIE: Bingo! I win! Ha ha! A-ha ha!
MRS. TRUMAN: Do you hear that? He wins. So stop treating me like I'm some fragile old woman. I'm fine. I'm fine. I mean, it would be nice if your father didn't he to conduct his business on holidays, but, uh, it's not your job to take care of me.
WILL: Well, I think it is.
MRS. TRUMAN: No, no, please. Go home. I'm busy. I have to go through daddy's closet, pick out a couple of suits he loves, and give them to the Salvation Army.
[CUT BACK TO THE CAR.]
WILL: Let's go. We can still make it home in time for dinner.
GRACE: Great. I'm starved.
JACK: Me, too.
KAREN: I could use some solids.
WILL: Well, wait till you guys taste this turkey.
[CUT TO WILL'S APARTMENT. THE TURKEY IS GONE. ROSARIO IS LAYING ON THE COUCH WITH A TURKEY LEG ASLEEP. SHE LETS OUT A CONTENTED SIGH...]