Original Airdate 11/15/2001
Written by Cynthia Mort
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Michael Angarano (Elliot)
Douglas Sills (Ted Bowers)
Anne Meara (Mrs. Friedman)
Marshall Manesh (Mr. Zamir)
Cynthia Mann Jamin (Judy Green)
Michael Taylor Gray (Ted)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment, the Outside Hallway
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS AND WILL EXITS.]
WILL: [STARTLED] Ah! Don't do that! You're like a gay Jack-in-the-box.
JACK: I'm up for the part of "Male Corpse on Slab."
WILL: I don't know what that means, but "wear a condom" seems like an appropriate response.
JACK: Ah! Wait! Hey, hey, hey. I'm auditioning for "Six Feet Under." You know, that new show by the acclaimed screenwriter Alan Ball? Tehh... ball. The corpse is, like, in three scenes, and it's the glue that holds the whole story together.
WILL: Well, for what it's worth, I've seen you act, and I feel totally confident that you have the emotional range to play a dead man.
JACK: Thank you.
[JACK PAUSES BEFORE ENTERING HIS APARTMENT]
JACK: [WHISPERING] Pssst! I'm enjoying your blouse today.
[WILL ENTERS HIS APARTMENT. GRACE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE.]
GRACE: You know, Sarah Michelle Gellar is really smart. I mean, at the beginning of this interview, she's just talkin' about stuff, like where she gets her highlights, but then she starts in on foreign affairs and campaign finance reform. I'm gonna say it... She's a genius.
WILL: Let me see that. [WILL FLIPS THROUGH THE MAGAZINE] Hmm... Interesting. Yeah. See? these pages are stuck together. You've been reading an interview with John McCain. Here's the rest of Sarah Michelle.
GRACE: [READING] "And even after all these years, limos are way cool." Yeah. I probably should've figured it out when she started talking about her time in a P.O.W. camp.
WILL: Ooh, uh, before I forget, I need you to write me a check. There's this guy, Ted Bowers. He's running for city council. I really think we should support him.
GRACE: Well, what do we know about him?
WILL: He's gay.
WILL: And... he's gay.
GRACE: But what's he for? I mean, you know, where does he stand on the issues?
WILL: What do you care? You thought Buffy was in a prisoner of war camp.
GRACE: I'm just wondering, what are his positions?
WILL: I don't know. I think he's a top. Come on. Write a check already. You should support gay men. Gay men support you.
GRACE: How much?
WILL: The limit's 500. Most people are giving, like, 250.
GRACE: Heh! Well, I am not most people.
[GRACE WRITES A CHECK AND GIVES IT TO WILL.]
WILL: [READING THE CHECK] "100."
GRACE: Give me a break. I just gave 500 to the Paul Smith fabulous boot foundation.
[GRACE KICKS UP HER LEG TO SHOW OFF HER SEXY NEW BOOTS.]
WILL: Another important gay cause.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL is reading the newspaper, drinking a cup of coffee.)
[THE DOOR OPENS AND JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: [ENTERING] Once again, I find myself in the horns of a dilemma.
WILL: Once again, the appropriate response seems to be: "wear a condom."
JACK: No. Elliot and I were preparing a VIP guest list for the fanglamorous party I'm throwing, when my episode airs.
WILL: You got the part?
JACK: No, um, not yet. Watch this.
[JACK CLOSES HIS EYES AND OPENS HIS MOUTH.]
WILL: Wow. I feel like I'm looking through the eyes of every one of your lovers.
JACK: Thank you. Anyway, Elliot doesn't want me to invite Karen. He doesn't like her. Can you believe it?
WILL: Kids today are so weird. You know, when I was a kid, we couldn't wait to hang out with the local insensitive drunk.
JACK: I run this by Karen, and it turns out she does not care for Elliot either.
WILL: Why? He's polite. He's sweet. He's kind. I think I just answered my own question.
JACK: I mean, what am I supposed to do? What--? Ok, I know. I know. I got it. I got it. I'm gonna stage a phony robbery. Yeah. I'm gonna tie 'em back-to-back in chairs until they're forced to get along, and I'm gonna wear a stocking on my head. Taupe. Or maybe eggplant... Doesn't matter, doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I can decide later. That's the fun part.
WILL: Why don't you just sit them down and talk it out?
JACK: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That could work, although... Where do the panty-hose come in?
WILL: You can always just wear them under your slacks.
JACK: You are always one step ahead of me. I hate that about you! And I love that about you!
SCENE III: Will's Apartment Building
(GRACE is doing down in the elevator when it stops and MRS. FRIEDMAN enters.)
[MRS. FRIEDMAN ENTERS.]
GRACE: Hey, Mrs. Friedman, how are things on the eighth floor?
MRS FRIEDMAN: I'm not talking to you, Grace Adler, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
GRACE: I swear, the elevator smelled like this before I got on.
MRS FRIEDMAN: I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about your button. I can't believe you're supporting that man.
GRACE: Ted Bowers happens to be an excellent candidate.
MRS FRIEDMAN: [SPITTING] Ptewey! Your candidate sucks my rain boots.
GRACE: Hey, I like Ted Bowers, and he's gay, and I think it's high time we had gay representation on the city council, especially in a society that still undervalues the rights of gay people.
MRS FRIEDMAN: Fine. Do what you want. Me, I'm voting for the Jewish woman.
GRACE: There's a Jewish woman running?
SCENE IV: Karen Walker's Penthouse, The Playroom (KAREN is on the phone talking to ROSARIO, who is laying in bed.)
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Rosario, where the hell are you? Get your rump into the rumpus room and get rid of all this junk.
ROSARIO: [INTO PHONE] Lady, I told you the doctor said I shouldn't lift anything. I've pulled a muscle.
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting you're laid up. Can I get you anything?
ROSARIO: [INTO PHONE] Well...actually, I could use a bowl of sou--
[KAREN HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
[JACK AND ELLIOT ENTER THE ROOM.]
JACK: Hey, Kare, what you doin' in the play room?
KAREN: Oh. Hi, honey. Since Stan's in the clink and the stepkids are spendin' most of their time with first wife, I decided to turn it into something useful, you know, like a laboratory, or an Indian casino.
[ELLIOT NOTICES A MICROSOFT XBOX GAME MACHINE ON THE TABLE.]
ELLIOT: Oh, wow, you got an Xbox!
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey! Just because my husband's in prison does not mean you can talk dirty to me. [TO JACK] What the hell is he doin' here anyway?
JACK: He is here because I cannot tolerate two of the most important people in my life not getting along. Now, I will not have my family go the way of other showbiz families. So the three of us are gonna stay in this room until you two can find a love for each other, and nobody, but nobody is leaving until we get this done!
[JACK'S PAGER BEEPS.]
JACK: Oh, my God! My corpse audition just got moved up! I gotta run. Listen, you two work it out. Remember, find the love!
[JACK RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM.]
KAREN: Hey! Wh--! Honey, I--!
[KAREN TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT ELLIOT.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are home.)
GRACE: Uh... So, listen, I need a check.
WILL: What for?
GRACE: Judy Green. She's running for city council, and I think we should support her.
WILL: But we're backing Ted Bowers.
GRACE: Well, I found out a few things about him that makes me think I should support the other candidate.
WILL: Like what?
GRACE: Like he's running against a woman.
WILL: So? Who is she? What do we know about her?
GRACE: She's a woman.
GRACE: And she's Jewish.
GRACE: And she's a woman.
WILL: So what? What are her positions?
GRACE: I don't know. She's Jewish. She probably just lays there. Come on. Write the check!
WILL: I am not gonna write you a check. That would just cancel out the check you wrote me.
GRACE: I know. That's why I've already stopped payment on mine. Now, come on. Make it payable to "Judy Green for City Council."
WILL: All right. Is a zillion dollars enough?
GRACE: Come on! Women need a voice on the city council. I mean, 50% of the population is women.
WILL: So, one could argue that 80% of the population is gay. [BEAT] They just don't know it yet. Anyway, this is not about statistics. This is about who has the better candidate.
GRACE: Well, what makes you think that you have the better candidate?
WILL: Grace, he's gay.
GRACE: Well, mine's a woman and Jewish. That makes two victims to your one.
WILL: Since when are you so Jewish anyway? You're about as Jewish as Melanie Griffith in A Stranger Among Us.
GRACE: Well, you're about as gay as Tom Sellick in In and Out.
WILL: I am plenty gay.
GRACE: When was the last time you had same-sex sex?
WILL: I'm choosy!
GRACE: Ha! You're straight! Go watch a basketball game!
WILL: Yeah? Well, you're barely a woman. You pee standing up!
GRACE: Hey! There are a lot of diseases you can get from a toilet seat!
WILL: Our own?! [POINTING TOWARDS THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: Well, I never thought that I would hear this from you! You hate women!
WILL: Well, you hate gays!
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT TO THE WRONG BEDROOMS, SLAMMING THE DOORS.]
[THE DOORS OPEN SUDDENLY AND THEY SWITCH ROOMS.]
WILL: My room.
[THE DOORS SLAM.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL is chopping a pepper in the kitchen when GRACE enters with a grocery bag.)
WILL: Hi. I'm sorry. I said some harsh things before. You know, like, "you're not a woman." My God, look at you, you're all woman. You're gorgeous, you're hot, you're sexy. When I look at you, all I can think about is being with that Croatian guy from "ER."
GRACE: Aw, sweetie. You know, I said some pretty harsh things, too. You are plenty gay. If you were any gayer, you'd be Elton John's fanny pack.
WILL: You don't have to say that.
GRACE: No, I mean it.
WILL: Well, if I implied that you're anything less than a big Jew, I'm sorry.
GRACE: Thank you. Let's just agree to disagree, support our candidates and just not make a big thing of it.
WILL: Agreed. I knew you'd feel that way. Which is why I know you'll have no problem with me having a little Ted Bowers neighborhood fund-raiser here?
GRACE: Not at all. In fact, I've already agreed to host a Judy Green fund-raiser here, too.
[GRACE BEGINS PULLING VEGETABLES OUT OF HER GROCERY BAG.]
WILL and GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY]: When's yours?
WILL and GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY]: Tonight.
WILL and GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY]: Change it.
WILL and GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY]: No! stop it!
WILL and GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY]: You stop!
[WILL AND GRACE BOTH BEGIN CHOPPING FURIOUSLY.]
SCENE VII: Karen Walker's Penthouse, The Playroom
(KAREN is standing with her hands on her hips looking at ELLIOT.)
ELLIOT: Ok, so I guess we're supposed to talk about what bugs us about each other.
KAREN: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
ELLIOT: Ok, I'll go first.
KAREN: Hmm. Kinda pushy for a 5-year-old, aren't ya?
ELLIOT: I'm 12.
KAREN: Huh. So you lie about your age so that you can drink, or...?
ELLIOT: This is what it is about you: you're weird. You're a weird woman. And you kinda look like the demon who guards the tomb in "Tomb Raider."
KAREN: Don't even try and flatter me, kid.
ELLIOT: Ok, look, I'm not happy about this, either, but Jack asked us to do it, and he's important to both of us, so I think we should at least try.
KAREN: Ok, oh! This is what really bugs me about you: the way you talk. You're honest, you've got no agenda, you're not manipulative. It's like you're talkin' in code!
ELLIOT: [SIGHS] Ok, well, how do you want me to talk?
KAREN: Oh, honey, I don't care. Just quit bein' such a goody two shoes.
ELLIOT: I am not a goody two shoes.
KAREN: Oh, yeah? Don't drink, don't smoke, what do ya do?
ELLIOT: [SIGHS] I am bad. I'm bad news.
KAREN: Come on, two shoes! You've never done a bad thing in your whole life.
ELLIOT: Oh, yeah? Watch this.
[ELLIOT KNOCKS A STACK OF BOOKS ONTO THE FLOOR.]
KAREN: Pick that up!
ELLIOT: Sorry. [BENDS DOWN TO PICK THEM UP.]
KAREN: Two shoes. Ha ha ha!
ELLIOT: Ok, well, how about this? Sometimes when my mom's not home, I make phoney phone calls. They're rude, and they inconvenience people.
KAREN: What kind of phoney phone calls?
ELLIOT: Well, once I called a butcher and asked if he had pig's feet. He said, "Yeah," and I said, "Must be hard to find shoes." Heh! then I hung up.
KAREN: Ahh... You call that a phoney? Boy, have you got a lot to learn. Watch this, midget.
[KAREN PICKS UP THE PHONE AND SPEED DIALS.]
[CUT TO ROSARIO'S BEDROOM. ROSIE IS LAYING IN BED.]
[THE PHONE RING]
[KAREN HOLDS HER NOSE TO "DISGUISE" HER VOICE.]
KAREN [INTO PHONE]: Hello. This is Nurse Bigrack from Dr. La-bop-duh-duhp-boop-boop's office. Got good news for ya. It's time to start your physical therapy.
ROSARIO: What? Why are you calling me so late?
KAREN: Well, with that kind of an attitude, we're not gonna get anywhere. Now, let's start with some neck rolls.
ROSARIO: Neck rolls? The doctor said I should rest it.
KAREN: Yeah? Well, he changed his mind. Start rollin'.
ROSARIO: Ah! Oh, that hurts. Oh! Especially when I do it to the right.
[CUT BACK TO THE PLAYROOM. KAREN IS HOLDING THE PHONE SO THAT HER AND ELLIOT CAN BOTH HEAR.]]
KAREN: Oh, dear, I couldn't hear what you just said, but it's better if you do them all to the right.
[CUT TO ROSARIO, WHO IS TRYING TO TURN HER NECK.]
ROSARIO: Ow-wee! Ow-wee! Oh... Ow-wee!
[CUT BACK TO KAREN AND ELLIOT, LISTENING INTO THE PHONE AND GIGGLING.]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are hosting their fundraisers. The room is full of people, including MRS. FRIEDMAN and next-door neighbor MR. ZAMIR.)
WILL: Would you tell your people to stay away from the mini-quiches, ok? I made them for my people.
GRACE: God, quiche for a gay fund-raiser, could you be any more stereotypical? And, by the way, tell your people to stay away from my lox.
WILL: Would you look at that? One of your women just drifted over to the fireplace, which we clearly agreed was my area since the gay's need soft light.
[GRACE BRINGS ANOTHER TRAY OF FOOD TO THE TABLE, WHERE MRS. FRIEDMAN IS STANDING.]
MRS FRIEDMAN: Grace, this is a lovely party. I guess the belly lox was too expensive, huh? Still, people seem to be enjoying themselves. I think we'll raise a lot of money here tonight.
GRACE: Well, good. I hope so. You just hit everyone up. It's the least that they can do.
MRS FRIEDMAN: And where's your check?
GRACE: Well, what do you mean? I'm throwing the party. That's my contribution.
MRS FRIEDMAN: Ah ha ha... You know, there's an old Jewish expression-- "You're cheap, and your husband's gay."
[WILL NOTICES THAT MR. ZAMIR IS PUTTING COOKIES INTO HIS POCKET.]
WILL: Mr. Zamir? Mr. Zamir?!
MR ZAMIR: What? What?! Happy Birthday!
WILL: Wait a minute. You're supporting Ted Bowers?
MR ZAMIR: Sure. Ted. Yes.
WILL: Yeah, but just a minute ago, you were over on the Judy Green side.
MR ZAMIR: Yes, but then they ran out of black-and-white cookies.
WILL: Who invited you, anyway?
MR ZAMIR: I'm here to complain about the noise.
[KNOCK ON DOOR. WILL AND GRACE RUN TO THE DOOR AND OPEN IT; IT'S TED BOWERS AND JUDY GREEN.]
WILL: Hey, Ted.
GRACE: Hi, Judy.
JUDY: Well, this is quite the coincidence.
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] He wouldn't cancel.
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] She wouldn't cancel.
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Stop doing that.
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Stop doing that.
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] You stop!
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] You stop!
[CUT TO A BIT LATER. TED BOWERS IS SPEAKING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.]
TED: Good evening, everybody. A lot of candidates in this race wanna tell you that there's an easy solution to our city's problems. Well, I'm here to tell you, there's not.
[WILL APPLAUDS. HE'S THE ONLY ONE.]
WILL: [EMBARASSED] Was that not an applause line? 'Cause it felt like one.
TED: For instance... Homelessness. Now, this is an awful, awful problem, and one solution that I advocate is give them a hot meal.
TED: Give them a shower.
TED: Put them on a bus and get them the hell out of our city.
WILL: A-- What?
[CUT TO A BIT LATER.]
TED: So, in conclusion, women in the home, force those foreigners to speak our language, and if God didn't want some people to be poor, he'd give them money.
MR ZAMIR: He is very good.
GRACE: And now... Let's hear from a real candidate. Ladies and gentlemen, Judy Green.
JUDY: Thank you, Grace. Let me start by saying how gratifying it is to see so many white faces here tonight.
SCENE IX: Karen Walker's Penthouse, The Playroom
(ELLIOT is on the phone making a call while KAREN listens.)
ELLIOT: [INTO PHONE] No, Marlo. Why would I be kidding about that? Phil is my father. And I wouldn't be calling you except that he stopped making his child-support payments, and my mom can't raise me on just a stripper's salary.
KAREN: [LAUGHING] You are so amusing.
[ELLIOT HANGS UP THE PHONE]
ELLIOT: You can't laugh because when you laugh, I laugh.
KAREN: I'm sorry, honey. It's just that there ain't nothin' I enjoy more than yankin' Phil Donahue's chain. Ha ha ha! And by chain, of course, I mean Marlo. Ha ha!
ELLIOT: Ahh, I'm hungry. Can I have something to eat?
KAREN: Oh, whoaho! Come on. Now, how do we ask for something to eat?
ELLIOT: Uh, where's the damn food?!
KAREN: There's my boy. Ok, go across the hall to Mason's bedroom. Yeah, there's a cake carousel next to the pinball machine.
ELLIOT: You know what? You're not so bad.
KAREN: [SMILING] Yeah? Well, you're not so good. Now, scram.
[ELLIOT EXITS TO GET A SNACK.]
[KAREN PICKS UP THE PHONE AND CALLS ROSARIO.]
[CUT TO ROSARIO'S BEDROOM. THE PHONE RINGS AND ROSARIO BENDS OVER TO ANSWER.]
ROSARIO: [ANSWERING THE PHONE] Hello?
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Hey, Rosie, how you holdin' up?
ROSARIO: [INTO PHONE] Oh, the doctor wants me to do head rolls.
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Neck rolls.
ROSARIO: [INTO PHONE] What?!
[KAREN QUICKLY HANGS UP.]
JACK: [ENTERING] Hi. Where's Elliot?
KAREN: Oh, he went to get a snack. So how was your audition for "Six Feet Under"?
KAREN: [GASPS] Why? What happened? You didn't get the part?
JACK: No. The casting assistant was gorgeous, and as convincing as my performance was for Male Corpse on Slab, there was one part of me that refused to play dead.
KAREN: I see. So you would have only been five and a half feet under.
JACK: Do not underestimate me!
ELLIOT: [ENTERING] Hey, Jack, how'd the audition go?
JACK: I think I got it. Uh, so, let's pick up where we left off, ok? Now, my life is gonna be spent in front of cameras, and I need my personal assistant and my manager to get along.
ELLIOT: It's ok, Jack. We're fine.
JACK: Really? [QUIETLY TO ELLIOT] She give you money?
JACK: Oh. Ok, all right. [QUIETLY] Whatever she gave you, you're splittin' it with me in the cab.
JACK: Ok, come on. let's go. I promised your mom you'd be home. Come on. Scoot it.
ELLIOT: Ok. [TO KAREN] Hey, do you, uh, think I could come back some time and play with your Xbox?
KAREN: Anytime, kid.
[JACK AND ELLIOT EXIT.]
[KAREN TURNS AROUND AND NOTICES THE XBOX ON THE TABLE.]
KAREN: Oh! Well, would you look at that? This game is called an Xbox. Well. Ha ha ha...
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
(The fundraisers are over. WILL and GRACE are relaxing on the sofa.)
GRACE: Remember when Election Day used to be fun? Passing out leaflets, knocking on doors, ripping our bell-bottoms and running from the fuzz?
WILL: That wasn't us. That was Linc and Julie from "The Mod Squad."
JACK: [ENTERING] Well, I've just pulled the lever for democracy. Oh, and I also voted. Ah-ha ha ha ha! What are you two sad lovers doin'?
JACK: So, did you vote?
WILL: We don't deserve to.
GRACE: We just didn't think it was right to vote for someone without finding out what they stand for.
Who'd you vote for?
JACK: The black guy.
Both: What?! There's a black guy?!
[WILL AND GRACE BOTH JUMP OFF THE COUCH AND RUN OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE XI: Karen Walker's Penthouse, The Playroom
(The phone in the playroom is ringing. KAREN enters to answer it.)
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Hello? Oh, hi, Pharmacist. Oh. Uh-huh. Yeah. I took 'em this morning. [BEAT] Well... Side-effects? Well, what do I do?
[KAREN LIFTS ONE LEG OFF THE FLOOR.]
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Ok, yeah. I'm standin' on one leg. Yeah. Yeah, my finger's on my nose... And I'm rubbin' my head. Ok, well, how long do I have to do this? Yeah. I'll hold.
[CUT TO ROSARIO'S BEDROOM. ROSARIO IS IN BED, HOLDING HER HAND OVER THE PHONE, GIGGLING.]
ROSARIO: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!