Original Airdate 11/8/2001
Written by Jhoni Marchinko
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment, Grace's Bedroom
(GRACE is asleep in her bed. WILL opens the door.)
[WILL TURNS ON THE LIGHT.]
GRACE: Ugh. No, no. nooo. Light's too bright.
WILL: Look, I know you're still upset about you and Nathan, but I think I've got something that's gonna cheer you up.
WILL: Italian Fashion magazine! You know, we can go through the models and draw in the facial hair where they've airbrushed it out.
GRACE: You know, if you listen to pigeons long enough, they start to sound like they're saying "loser." [COOING LIKE PIGEON] looossserrr.
WILL: I just--I think if you got up and got dressed, you'd feel better.
[WILL PULLS THE COVERS OFF GRACE.]
WILL: Come on, I'll pick you out an outfit. Let's see what we got here.
[WILL BEGINS DIGGING THROUGH GRACE'S CLOSET.]
WILL: Uh... Oh! How about this? Little crop top, little miniskirt, and platform wedges. There we go.
[WILL LAYS THE CLOTHES ON TOP OF GRACE.]
WILL: Ohh, pretty! And the pièce de resistance... Un petit chapeau, huh?
[WILL PUTS THE HAT ON TOP OF GRACE'S HEAD.]
WILL: Oh, look at that! Who's my best girl? Who's gorgeous?
GRACE: Will, I look like I've been flattened by a steamroller.
WILL: The steamroller of cuteness! And I think the world should see how cute you look, so come on, Gracie Adler, we're getting up out of bed, and we are going out that door, and we're gonna greet the new day with a breath of fire. Are you with me? Ok, let's go! Yeah!
[WILL RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM. HE TURNS BACK AROUND AND SHUTS OFF THE LIGHT.]
WILL: Good night, Grace.
[WILL CLOSES THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Good night.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL is in the kitchen when JACK enters.)
JACK: How is she? I came as soon as I heard.
WILL: I called you three days ago.
JACK: Uh, hello! I got a life. [SCOFFS]
WILL: Your mole is smeared.
JACK: Oh. [JACK LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND FIXES THE "MOLE" PAINTED ABOVE HIS LIP.]
JACK: So how is she since the big man dumped her?
WILL: Would you try to be a little more sensitive?
JACK: So how is she since the hot big man dumped her?
WILL: She's a mess. Sleeping all the time, not eating. Thank God she hasn't broken out the slides yet.
JACK: Ugh. Thank God is right!
WILL: You know about the slides?
JACK: No. I just assumed it had something to do with her womanity, so I thought we'd just skate right past it.
WILL: No. Slides of Grace as a kid. You know, whenever she hits a real low point, she breaks out the slide projector and spends a few days trying to figure out "where it all went wrong."
JACK: I'd say it was the day she became a gay man and fell in love with you.
WILL: Ok. I'm going down to the market, pick up some doughnuts and dental floss.
JACK: Ok, "doughnuts and dental floss." Why don't you just make an announcement? "I'm sleeping alone tonight."
WILL: Just do me a favor and please don't go in her room. I think I'm really close to getting her out.
JACK: [NONCHALANTLY] Ok.
WILL: I mean it, Jack. Do not go in that room.
JACK: I heard you, mother.
JACK: Ok, I know you're just standing on the other side of the door, and I think it's pretty rotten that you don't trust your best friend.
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR. NO ONE IS THERE.]
[JACK SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AND RUNS TO GRACE'S BEDROOM... GRACE IS IN BED, SLEEPING.]
JACK: [WHISPERING] Grace. [CHILDLIKE] Are you sleeping?
GRACE: I was.
JACK: Well, now that you're up... [JACK JUMPS INTO BED WITH GRACE.] Hi!
GRACE: Jack, I--I really wanted to be by myself.
JACK: I know. Me, too. Anyway, you know, sometimes my mom would take to her bed for weeks, and I was the only one who could help. She'd say, "Jackie, sing me a song," and I would. She'd say, "Cuddle with me, Jackie," and I would. I do believe that that may have been the root of me becoming an entertainer.
GRACE: Either that or it was the root of you becoming a big 'mo.
JACK: Ha ha ha! You're funny when you're devastated. Anyway, I find that the one thing that really makes people smile is my music. Or my oddly long tongue, your choice.
GRACE: [SIGHS] Music.
JACK: Grace, I finally figured out how to make Jack 2001 different than Jack 2000.
GRACE: You're gonna get an audience?
JACK: No. I'm gonna sing a medley of songs with the word "one" in them. Yeah! So let the healing begin. Hit it!
[JACK BEGINS SNAPPING HIS FINGERS AND SINGING.]
JACK: [SINGING] You're still the one I want to talk to in bed. Hey! Still the one that turns my head. You're still having fun and you're still...
JACK: [SINGING] The one singular sensation, every little step she takes. One thrilling combination. Every move that she makes...
JACK: [SINGING] One less bell to answer. One less egg to fry. One less man to pick up after. I should be happy but all I do is cry.
[GRACE BEGINS CRYING]
JACK: Oh, Grace. Are you crying?
GRACE: [WAILING] Uh-huh.
JACK: Oh, is it because of my song?
GRACE: [SOBBING] Uh-huh.
JACK: I can't believe I made you cry.
GRACE: [SOBBING] It's ok.
JACK: Ok? It's great! I did it! I finally moved someone to tears with my art!
[CUT TO THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE WILL HAS ENTERED CARRYING A BOX OF DOUGHNUTS.]
JACK'S VOICE [COMING FROM GRACE'S BEDROOM] Come on, cry! Cry, damn it!
[WILL RUNS INTO GRACE'S BEDROOM. JACK IS LOOMING OVER GRACE HOLDING A COAT HANGER.]
WILL: [TO JACK] What the hell are you doing?!
GRACE: Will, please make it stop. Shake a can of pennies at it.
JACK: Will, a marvelous thing has happened. I've reached someone, and I realize that I can do it over and over and over again! [JACK HITS THE BED WITH THE HANGER WITH EACH "OVER"]
GRACE: Ow, ow, ow!
WILL: Jack, that's fantastic! Come here, you! [WILL HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS]
[JACK RUNS TO HUG WILL AND WILL PUSHES HIM OUT THE DOOR AND SLAMS IT SHUT.]
WILL: I'm sorry, sweetie. [WILL CRAWLS INTO BED WITH GRACE AND PULLS HER TO HIM AND HUGS HER.] Come here.
GRACE: Oh, Will. How did this happen? I wanted to marry Nathan, and he wanted to break up with me. How could I not have known that? [HIGH-PITCHED SINGING] One less bell to ring--
WILL: Don't make it worse.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(Later. WILL and JACK are sitting on the couch eating a bowl of cereal when KAREN enters.)
KAREN: Hi, girls. How's Grace?
KAREN: How bad?
WILL: Mariah Carey in Glitter.
[KAREN OPENS GRACE'S BEDROOM DOOR. GRACE IS SITTING ON HER BED READING SOME LETTERS. THERE ARE CRUMPLED KLEENEXES ALL AROUND THE BED.]
KAREN: Hi, honey. What you doing?
GRACE: Just reading some old letters Nathan wrote me.
GRACE: Listen to this one. It's beautiful. "We... We need milk." [GRACE BEGINS SOBBING] I mean, how sweet is it to remind me to get milk?
KAREN: Well, I've never understood the mating rituals of the poor, but... But it-- It sounds nice.
GRACE: This should've worked out, Karen.
KAREN: Oh, coulda, shoulda, Prada, honey! Listen, I know what your problem is. You have all of this unfinished business with Nathan.
GRACE: I do. There's so much that I never got to say to him.
KAREN: Well, say it to me, honey! Come on, we'll role-play. Yeah, I did something like this with Rosario when Stan went to prison, and it really helped. Yeah, I'm moving on, I'm--I'm firing people again, I'm having fun!
GRACE: Well, I guess it couldn't make me feel worse. Ok. [EXHALES DEEPLY] First of all, Nathan, I need to know what made you change your mind.
KAREN: I don't know. Sometimes... things just don't work out.
GRACE: But we were perfect together.
KAREN: Well, you know, it just...didn't... feel right.
GRACE: How can you say that? I mean, we had such an incredible connection. I mean, when in your life have you had sex like that?
KAREN: Oh. Uh... Actually... Never.
GRACE: Didn't you love having sex with me?
KAREN: [THINKING] I did.
GRACE: Wasn't it amazing?
KAREN: Yeah, it... It was, it... It was amazing. [KAREN SITS DOWN ON THE BED.]
GRACE: I miss having sex with you.
KAREN: I miss having sex with you, too.
GRACE: And I miss everything else about you.
KAREN: I miss everything else about you, too.
GRACE: I love you, Nathan.
KAREN: I love you, Grace!
[KAREN GRABS GRACE AND KISSES HER ON THE LIPS. SHE THEN REALIZES AND BACKS AWAY.]
KAREN: Hmm. Ok. I gotta go.
[CUT TO LATER.]
[BOSSA NOVA MUSIC IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO. JACK AND KAREN ARE DANCING WHILE WILL DRIES THE DISHES.]
KAREN: Come on, Wilma. Dance with us. It'll make you feel better.
WILL: I'm worried about Grace. I don't feel like dancing. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm gay. I can worry while I'm dancing.
[WILL JOINS JACK AND KAREN AND ALL THREE DANCE.]
[GRACE EXITS HER BEDROOM AND TURNS OFF THE STEREO.]
WILL: We've been so worried!
KAREN: Oh, honey!
JACK: How are you?!
WILL: Hi! it's good to have you back, and you look fantastic.
KAREN: I do like your hair like that, honey. What do you call that style?
GRACE: Psycho chic. It's the same look Anne Heche had when they picked her up in Fresno. Ooh! Oh, that's my first clever banter in three days. I should've stretched first. Oh, it's a little chilly in here, huh?
WILL: I'll get your blankey. [WILL EXITS TO GRACE'S BEDROOM.]
KAREN: I'll get the drugs from the bathroom. [KAREN EXITS TO GRACE'S BATHROOM.]
JACK: I'll get some money from Will's wallet. [JACK EXITS TO WILL'S BEDROOM.]
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS. THE ANSWERING MACHINE PICKS IT UP.]
GRACE'S VOICE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: Hi. It's Will and Grace. Will you Grace us with your message?
WILL'S VOICE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: I told you to stay away from that answering machine!
[THE MACHINE BEEPS]
WOMAN'S VOICE ON MACHINE: Hi. It's Jhoni over at Hoffman Travel calling for Nathan. I'm booking his trip to the Bahamas, and I need to know how Suzie spells her last name.
[JACK, KAREN, AND WILL PEEK INTO THE ROOM.]
WOMAN'S VOICE ON MACHINE: By the way, I got you guys upgraded to a suite. It's so romantic.
[JACK, KAREN, AND WILL ALL SCRAMBLE AND TRIP OVER EACH OTHER TO GET TO THE ANSWERING MACHINE.]
WOMAN'S VOICE ON MACHINE: Stellar views, and it's so lovely. It's so private, you can walk around naked if you want to.
WOMAN'S VOICE ON MACHINE: Anyway, call me. For now, I'll just give Suzie your last name.
[WILL FINALLY GETS TO THE MACHINE AND PULLS THE CORD OUT OF THE WALL.]
[GRACE COVERS HER FACE WITH HER HANDS AND TURNS AROUND AND GOES BACK TO HER BEDROOM.]
JACK: Whew! That was close.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment, Grace's Bedroom
(WILL enters GRACE's room and sits on the bed.)
WILL: Sweetie, how are you?
GRACE: [MUFFLED VOICE] I'm ok.
WILL: Where are you?
GRACE: [MUFFLED VOICE] I'm under the bed.
WILL: Ok. I think I'll just take the tweezers so we don't have a repeat of the "If I don't have Danny, I don't deserve eyebrows" incident. And I think you know what else I need.
GRACE: [MUFFLED VOICE] No.
WILL: Come on, Grace.
GRACE: [MUFFLED VOICE] No.
WILL: Give me the slides.
GRACE: [MUFFLED VOICE] No!
WILL: If you don't, I'll have to call your mom.
[A BOX SLIDES OUT FROM UNDER THE BED.]
WILL: Good girl.
[WILL EXITS THE BEDROOM.]
[GRACE SLIDES OUT, HOLDING A SLIDE RACK.]
GRACE: Like I'd give these puppies up.
[CUT TO THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE JACK AND KAREN ARE WAITING FOR WILL.]
WILL: Well, it's gotten worse. She's under the bed bumming out the boogeyman. [TO KAREN] Who you calling?
KAREN: Honey, the only way we're gonna get Grace out of that bed is with a big strong man.
[KAREN DIALS HER CELL PHONE.]
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Rosario, get over here!
WILL: Well, maybe she can scrub the hurt and anger out of Grace's knits and fine washables.
[THERE IS A POUNDING ON DOOR. JACK OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S ROSARIO.]
KAREN: Finally, you're here!
ROSARIO: You know, if you're gonna leave me in the limo for five hours, the least you could do is crack a window.
KAREN: What, and let you start yapping out at all the other maids so that they can come over and jump on the car? I don't think so.
ROSARIO: You better watch it, lady, because the next time you take a bath it'll be rub-a-dub-dub, I drop the blender in the tub.
KAREN: Ohh... You're the best. Now get your ass in there and get that girl out of bed.
ROSARIO: Okey dokey. Where's the hose?
KAREN: [TO WILL, HOLDING OUT HER ARMS] Hose!
WILL: Sorry, I don't have a hose. Actually, it's the reason I almost didn't take this apartment.
ROSARIO: I'll make do.
[ROSARIO EXITS TO GRACE'S BEDROOM.]
JACK: [TO KAREN] Does she really hose you out of bed every morning?
KAREN: I don't know, honey. I get a lot of cold water coming at me real fast. I don't really know where it comes from.
WILL: Maybe I should go in there with her.
KAREN: Will, don't go in there. It could get ugly.
[CUT TO GRACE'S BEDROOM. GRACE IS SITTING ON HER BED, WRAPPED IN HER COMFORTER. ROSARIO IS SITTING IN A CHAIR, KNITTING, AS GRACE CLICKS THROUGH THE SLIDES.]
GRACE: And this is me as a little girl. Look at that big goofy smile. [YELLING AT THE SLIDE SHOW] Stupid idiot, open your eyes! no one's ever gonna love you!
GRACE: This is me with my little dog tokey. He got run over by a car. Lucky bastard.
GRACE: Wow, my bat mitzvah. [CHANTING] "Today I'm a woman. Borechu et adonai I'm gonna die alone!"
[CUT TO THE LIVING ROOM. KAREN IS READING A MAGAZINE ON THE COUCH. JACK IS SHOWING WILL A NEWSPAPER.]
JACK: I'm saying it's not a long movie. We can go, see it, and then come back. She'll never know we're gone.
WILL: No. We have to be here for Grace. Call and see if there's a 9:30 show.
[ROSARIO EXITS GRACE'S BEDROOM AND MAKES HER WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR.]
KAREN: [TO ROSARIO] What's going on? Where's Grace? Did you mistake her for some of my jewelry and stuff her down your pants?
ROSARIO: Suck it. I'm going out for some Pop Secret. When I watch a slide show, I like a snack.
[WILL DUMPS THE BOX OF SLIDES. IT'S JUST PAPER.]
WILL: Damn it!
[WILL AND JACK ARE CARRYING GRACE INTO HER BATHROOM, WHILE KAREN HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN.]
GRACE: Really, this is not gonna help. I'm not ready. It's not time.
[KAREN PULLS OF GRACE'S SHOES AS WILL AND JACK PULL HER INTO THE SHOWER.]
JACK: It's for your own good! I just saw Grace's boob.
GRACE: You don't understand. He dumped me and found someone new in four days.
WILL: Karen, take her pants off.
KAREN: You know, after what happened earlier, I think I'll just wash her feet.
GRACE: I am not taking my clothes off.
WILL: Fine, leave them on. Jack, get the water.
[JACK TURNS ON THE SHOWER. EVERYBODY GETS WET.]
GRACE: Aah! Oh, guys, I don't like this!
KAREN: You think I like it? I'm in a shower with three other people and it's not even the seventies!
WILL: Everybody, grab a soap and start scrubbing.
[EVERYONE GRABS A BAR OF SOAP AND BEGINS SCRUBBING GRACE.]
JACK: Oh, my gosh, girls have such soft backs.
WILL: Jack, get your hand off my ass.
JACK: Relax, I'm a certified nurse.
[JACK, WILL, AND KAREN ARE ALL TALKING AT ONCE WHILE THEY SCRUB GRACE.]
[JACK, WILL, AND KAREN CONTINUE TO WASH GRACE.]
GRACE: All right, stop. I said stop!
[GRACE TURNS OFF THE WATER AND STEPS OUT OF THE SHOWER.]
GRACE: Look, I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you all are. I wish that I were, but I'm not. Will, your lover of seven years left you, and you have to live every day knowing that he's out there loving someone else. I couldn't do that. I would die. And, Karen, your husband's in prison, the rock of your life, and you don't know when you're gonna see him again. If I were you, I'd be a total wreck. And, Jack... You're so resilient. You're a 32-year-old actor-singer who gets involved in a million different relationships and never gets invested in any of them. I wish that I could do that, but I can't.
GRACE: I'm not like any of you. I just handle things differently, so, please, just let me go back to bed and deal with things the only way that I know how.
[GRACE WALKS FROM THE BATHROOM AND CRAWLS BACK INTO HER BED, SOAKING WET.]
WILL: You know what? You're right. I've deluded myself this whole time into thinking that I'm ok, but the truth is... I haven't been able to have a good relationship since Michael. Maybe you're right to stay in bed and deal with it. I mean... Maybe I'm the one who got out of bed too early.
[GRACE PULLS BACK THE COVERS AND WILL GETS IN.]
KAREN: Honey... You were right. I don't know when Stan's coming back. I mean, for all I know, it could be years. I gotta stop lying to myself, Grace. I'm really lonely. I... I miss him.
[KAREN CRAWLS INTO BED WITH GRACE.]
JACK: When you said... I'm an actor-singer who jumps from one relationship to another it made me realize... You didn't say dancer. And I've always felt in my heart that the dance is my strong point. That's so depressing.
[JACK CRAWLS INTO BED.]
[GRACE TURNS ON THE SLIDE SHOW.]
GRACE: This is me doing a split jump on the trampoline.
[CUT TO THE NEXT MORNING. GRACE WAKES UP. WILL, JACK, AND KAREN ARE STILL SLEEPING AS GRACE GETS OUT OF BED. BEFORE SHE EXITS THE ROOM, SHE LOOKS BACK AT HER BED AND SEES HER BEST FRIENDS. SHE SMILES AND SHUTS OFF THE SLIDE PROJECTOR.]