Original Airdate 10/25/2001
Written by Kari Lizer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Woody Harrelson (Nathan)
Andrew Rosenbach (Barney's Employee)
Parker Posey (Dorleen)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is at the dinner table reading when JACK excitedly enters, leaps over the coffee table and runs to WILL.)
WILL: What? What? Tell me. Is it bad?
[JACK SHAKES HIS HEAD.]
WILL: It's good?
WILL: Very good?
[JACK NODS EXCITEDLY.]
[JACK SHAKES HIS HEAD.]
WILL: Oh, please, God, tell me you've lost the power of speech.
JACK: No. What is the best thing that could ever possibly happen?
WILL: World peace?
JACK: Better. I got a job at Barney's! Where are the cashmere V-neck sweaters? On the second floor. And how do I know? Because I got a job at Barney's!!
WILL: So what happened to the job at Banana Republic? Have you abandoned the Banana? That's so unlike you.
JACK: The Banana is dead to me. Too gay. Bad for my image.
WILL: Got fired?
JACK: A little bit. This is the catalog. They gave it to me to familiarize myself with the inventory.
[JACK PULLS OUT A CATALOG FROM HIS POCKET AND OPENS IT UP.]
JACK: Meow. Wouldn't you love to look like that?
JACK: What do you mean "well"?
WILL: Nothing, I just-- I don't know-- Somebody at work yesterday asked me if I'd, ahem, if I'd ever done any modeling.
JACK: Ok, I'm just gonna have to put you on hold real quick, just a second.
[JACK TURNS AWAY FROM WILL AND PUTS HIS FINGER TO HIS MOUTH AND GAGS SEVERAL TIMES.]
JACK: Ok, I'm back. What were you saying?
WILL: I don't know what's happening. Maybe I'm growing into my looks or something, but--but people are paying a lot of attention, you know? They're staring.
JACK: Well, you're strange looking. You have an odd kind of shellacked look about you.
WILL: I don't know, Jack. [LOOKING IN THE MIRROR] Think I might be purdy.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL, JACK and KAREN are playing poker at the dinner table.)
WILL: It's to you, Karen.
WILL: We're playing poker.
KAREN: I know what we're playing. I was ordering. Now, come on. Mama's dry! [MOTIONS TO HER EMPTY GLASS.]
[GRACE AND NATHAN ENTER.]
GRACE: Well, we did it. I was terrified at first, but it turned out that there was this little prick, a little pain, and then it was over.
WILL: You know, he's standing right behind you.
NATHAN: We had our HIV tests today.
KAREN: I had an ahi salad.
WILL: Aren't you guys a little behind the times? I mean, some of us have been getting tested since Frankie went to Hollywood. Why now?
GRACE: Well, we figured since we're not sleeping with anyone else--
NATHAN: We're not? When did that start?
GRACE: Love the jokes about you not being faithful, sweetie. They slay me.
NATHAN: Anyway, we get the results in a few days, but in the meantime they said we should be prepared to make a list of all our sexual partners.
JACK: I made my list once. Just for fun. A veritable who's whom of the entertainment industry.
WILL: Don't you mean a veritable who's that of the entertainment industry?
KAREN: Hey, let's do it. Let's make our lists of our sexual partners. Come on, it's fun.[POINTING TO HER GLASS] Gin!
WILL: Ok, but on this list, what counts as sex?
JACK: [SIGHING] Ohh, poor thing. We have been over this so many times.
GRACE: Well, let's say by whatever means we lost our virginity. That's sex. Ok, everyone, start counting now.
GRACE: Uh, I had sex with 23 people. Does that seem like a lot or a little?
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] A lot.
JACK: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] A little.
KAREN: Oh, honey. Everything I say about you behind your back is true.
GRACE: Hey, no, no, no. No judgments. We're just having a healthy discussion. We're not here to shame anyone. Sweetie, what was your number?
GRACE: Oh, my god, how embarrassing.
SCENE III: Barney's New York Department Store, Men's Department
(JACK is working and KAREN is here for support.)
KAREN: Ohh, Jackie, I'm so proud of you. You're a salesgirl at Barney's.
[AN EMPLOYEE HOLDING A BOTTLE OF HAND CREAM WALKS BY.]
EMPLOYEE: Hand cream? Would you like to try some new hand cream?
JACK: Do not look at him, Karen!
KAREN: [GASPS] Oh!
JACK: The hand cream guy is the lowest form of life here at Barney's.
[JACK SHOOS THE EMPLOYEE AWAY.]
JACK: [TO THE EMPLOYEE] Get away from us! Go now!
[THE HAND CREAM EMPLOYEE RUNS OFF.]
KAREN: Oh, poodle, I miss Stan.
JACK: Oh, what made you think of him?
[KAREN HOLDS UP VERY LARGE PAIR OF PANTS.]
JACK: How's he doin'? Is prison awful?
KAREN: It's been really rough on him. He lives for that one phone call to the house every day at noon. If it weren't for that, I don't think he could go on.
JACK: Well, it's noon now.
KAREN: [BROWSING THROUGH THE CLOTHES] Yeah.
JACK: Ooh, here comes my manager. She's a little witchy-poo, so you're going to have to skidooch.
KAREN: Ok. If you need me, I'll be in women's shoes.
JACK: One day, I hope to say the same thing.
[JACK BOUNCES OVER TO HIS SUPERVISOR, DORLEEN.]
JACK: Hey, Dorleen. You're looking pretty.
DORLEEN: No. I wrote up your schedule for this week.
JACK: Oh, great. I did the same thing.
[DORLEEN AND JACK TRADE PAPERS.]
DORLEEN: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Hmm.... I don't think so.
JACK: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Hmm.... I don't think so.
DORLEEN: Excuse me?
JACK: Well, look, um... Thrilled to be here. Love you. Love everything about you. Thinking about being you for Halloween, but... I'm gonna need Friday off.
JACK: Please! My acting class is doing a showcase, and I absolutely cannot miss it. Every casting director in town is gonna be there to see me do selected scenes from "Caroline in the City."
DORLEEN: Let me tell you something, mister. Do you know how lucky you are to be working here at Barney's New York, in New York? If you ever ask me for another Friday night off, I'll go ape on your ass. I'm serious. I will scratch your eyes out.
[DORLEEN WALKS AWAY.]
JACK: Ok, so, yes, maybe.
[WILL ENTERS THE MEN'S DEPARTMENT.]
WILL: Well, look at you all dressed up... In my new suit. I'm proud of you, Jack.
JACK: You're here for my employee discount.
WILL: A little bit. [WILL LOOKS IN THE MIRROR ON THE TABLE, TALKING TO HIMSELF] And what are you doin' later on?
JACK: Ugh. You are gross.
[JACK TAKES THE MIRROR FROM WILL.]
JACK: Oh, my god, Dorleen's watching. Quick, act like a customer.
[JACK PULLS OUT A TAPE MEASURE, KNEELS DOWN, AND BEGINS TO MEASURE WILL'S INSEAM.]
WILL: What are you-- Jack. Hey! You just touched it!
JACK: Would you relax? I'm a professional. It's like an elbow to me.
WILL: Come on. Stop it! [WILL SMACKS JACK'S HANDS AWAY.]
[JACK AND WILL BEGIN SWATTING AT EACH OTHER.]
JACK: Thanks a lot, Will!
[JACK RUNS OVER TO DORLEEN.]
JACK: [SWEETLY] Hey, Dorleen.
DORLEEN: Who's that you're talking to?
JACK: I swear I don't know him.
DORLEEN: Too bad. He's hot.
JACK: Oh. Oh. Sure. Yeah. That's my dear friend Will.
DORLEEN: Introduce me. I'll owe you one.
JACK: Introduce you... To Will? But he's gay-ained like a pound or two. Um, but, you know, he still looks great.
JACK: Well, I don't know. I mean, I could, but, uh, I don't know if my new shedule permits me much time.
DORLEEN: Oh, I get it. You're working me. I like that. I respond to that. Ok. You get me a date with your friend Will, and I'll give you Friday night off to embarrass yourself at that stupid little skit show.
JACK: Oh, but that's so sweet. Thank you, Dorleen.
[JACK HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS TO HUG DORLEEN AND SHE JUMPS BACK]
DORLEEN: No! Don't ever come inside this place.
[DORLEEN MAKES A MOTION AROUND HER BODY, DRAWING A "FORCE FIELD."]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment, Grace's Bedroom
(GRACE is sitting on the bed with NATHAN, who is on the phone.)
NATHAN: [ON PHONE] Great. Thank you.
[NATHAN HANGS UP.]
NATHAN: [TO GRACE] Well, I'm HIV-free, herpes-free, wart-free, and nine more negative tests, I get a free prostate exam.
GRACE: So, we're both clean. Want to get dirty?
NATHAN: [CHUCKLES] Mmm.
[NATHAN AND GRACE HUG AND KISS]
GRACE: Sweetie, I hope you don't feel weird that I've had a lot more sex than you. I just want you to know that you are very special to me.
NATHAN: Oh, I know. Well, just because you've had more partners doesn't necessarily mean you've had more sex.
GRACE: What are you saying?
NATHAN: Well, I'm not saying anything. Who cares who's had more sex? I don't.
GRACE: I don't either. Just for fun, let's add it up.
GRACE: 'Cause it's fun. Math is fun.
NATHAN: Oh, yeah. We don't do enough math.
GRACE: Just remember, this is not a competition. It's just a fun activity where we add up the number of times we've had sex and see who's the winner. Go.
NATHAN: [THINKING] Maureen-- Three years, two times a day, New Year's Eve, planes, trains, bicycle. That one hurt...
GRACE: [THINKING] I guess it was just once with that guy. What the hell was his name? Dindy? Indy? [GASPS] Steve. Carry the three...
NATHAN: [THINKING] Borrow the one...
SCENE V: Barney's New York Department Store, Men's Department
(JACK has a flower arrangement in front of him and he is licking an envelope shut.)
EMPLOYEE: Hand cream? Would you like to try--
JACK: [HISSING] Sssss! Get away, creep.
[THE HAND CREAM GUY RUNS OFF.]
WILL: [ENTERING] Ok. I'm here to take you to lunch.
JACK: No, no, no, no. I'm taking you to lunch.
WILL: But I'm still paying.
JACK: Of course. Oh, these just came for Dorleen. Could you do me a favor and hand them to her?
[JACK GIVES WILL THE FLOWER ARRANGEMENT.]
JACK: Yeah, she's in her office. I'm just-- I'm swamped, ok? Just go in and hand them to her, and I'll finish up out here. And then we'll go up to, uh, Fred's for lunch, ok? Great. Thanks. I'm just-- I'm sorry. I would, except I'm busy-- Busy bee. [TURNING AROUND, TO NOBODY] Can I help you? Where you going?
[WILL TAKES THE FLOWERS AND KNOCKS ON DORLEEN'S DOOR.]
DORLEEN: Come in.
[WILL ENTERS DORLEEN'S OFFICE.]
WILL: Hi, Dorleen. Uh, I'm Will, Jack's friend.
DORLEEN: Oh, right. Like I don't know who you are. Hi, Will.
WILL: Hi. Heh. Uh, these--these are for you.
[WILL GIVES DORLEEN THE FLOWERS.]
DORLEEN: Oh, wow. I wonder what I'll do to deserve this. Should I read the card?
WILL: I guess you should if you want to.
[DORLEEN OPENS THE ENVELOPE AND READS THE CARD.]
DORLEEN: I thought I was the only one who felt like this.
WILL: Well, I guess not.
DORLEEN: You guess not.
WILL: Ok. So... bye.
[WILL EXITS DORLEEN'S OFFICE AND FINDS JACK.]
WILL: What is going on?
JACK: What do you mean?
WILL: With your boss. Why does she keep looking at me like she's Carnie Wilson and I'm two ounces of chicken?
JACK: I, um... I can't tell you.
JACK: All right.
[JACK WALKS AWAY FROM DORLEEN'S DOOR. WILL DOESN'T FOLLOW.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] Dorleen is an up-and-comer in-- [JACK SNAPS HIS FINGERS AT WILL AND MAKES A FISHING REEL MOTION; WILL FOLLOWS HIM.]
JACK: Dorleen is an up-and-comer in the corporation, and one of her jobs is to scout the real-people models for the catalog. And she thinks-- [QUICKLY] God, this is hard-- You would be a great model. What?
WILL: She-- She thinks I'd be a great model?
JACK: Yeah. I know it's hard to believe.
[WILL LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND FIXES HIS HAIR.]
SCENE VI: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE and KAREN are working.)
GRACE: Karen... I want to ask you something, but it's really personal, and I'm afraid you're gonna be insensitive.
KAREN: Oh, honey, that makes me feel bad. Try me.
GRACE: Ok. Do you think it's weird that I've had more partners but less actual sex than Nathan?
KAREN: No. No, honey. That just means that people like having sex with Nathan, and they don't like having sex with you.
GRACE: I can't believe I hesitated to ask you about that.
KAREN: Oh, relax. honey, I didn't mean it like that. Of course I didn't. Listen to me. I just meant that people don't like having sex with you, ok? Better? Better?
GRACE: Much. Oh, my God. What if you're right? What if he's lost interest in me sexually? What if I'm like Space Mountain? You know, how, once you've been on it, you never feel the need to ride it again?
KAREN: Well, Grace, you have to work to keep men interested in sex.
GRACE: How do you keep Stan interested?
KAREN: Oh, I exercise.
GRACE: I've never once seen you exercise.
KAREN: Oh, it's not in any place you can see.
GRACE: What? I mean, what kind of exercise-- [REALIZES FROM KAREN'S LOOK] Ohh!
KAREN: Yeah. I'm doing 'em right now.
GRACE: [SIGHS] I am not gonna let Nathan lose interest in me. I am not letting him slip away.
KAREN: Honey, that's what the exercises are for.
GRACE: Tonight... I'm gonna give him the hottest sex he's had in his life. He's not just going to Space Mountain. He's going on every ride in the park. Ooh, I think I just did one.
SCENE V: Barney's New York Department Store, Dorleen's Office
(WILL knocks on DORLEEN's office door.)
DORLEEN: Come in.
WILL: Hi. Dorleen, I--I just... I want to say that, uh... Jack told me what you were thinking.
DORLEEN: Oh, god! I'm so embarrassed. I feel like I threw up a little bit.
WILL: Oh, no, no. That's ok. I just-- I wanted to tell you that I--you know, I could be interested in--
JACK: [TO DORLEEN] You hear that? He's interested.
DORLEEN: Oh, wow! Well, um, I'm interested, too.
WILL: Uh... Well, great! We'll talk later. Oh, I--I should tell you that, um... When I blow my hair dry, totally different look.
DORLEEN: Oh. Well, ok. Great.
SCENE VII: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN sitting at her desk when NATHAN enters.)
NATHAN: Hey, Karen.
NATHAN: Doing your exercises?
KAREN: How'd you know?
NATHAN: Well, I do my own version. I can lift an encyclopedia.
KAREN: [SULTRY] Ohh. Well, aren't you a smartie? [SHE THROWS HER HEAD BACK AND STROKES HER NECK]
NATHAN: Is Grace around? I just came over to smooch on her.
KAREN: Oh, it's funny you should say that. She was just talking about having sex with you.
NATHAN: Yeah. Bragging about it?
KAREN: More like complaining about it.
NATHAN: Oh, man. I knew that number freaked her out, and I left off, like, a thousand. You think it says something about me that I like to have sex that much? I mean, you think it's weird?
KAREN: Honey, of course not. It's not weird. It just means that you're not that interesting and sex is really all you have to offer.
KAREN: Come on. Oh, wait a minute. Now, don't take it like that. Come here. Come here. Listen to me. I just meant that sex is all you have to offer. Ok? Better? Ok?
NATHAN: Maybe you're right. I mean, it does seem like women want to have sex with me a few hundred times and leave and go on to something else. Well, I'm not going to let that happen with Grace. We're gonna talk. About books, childhood, memories, and family pets. And until that happens, we're not going to have sex tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night. Ooh! I think I just did one.
SCENE VIII: Barney's New York Department Store, Men's Department
(WILL enters looking for JACK but finds DORLEEN.)
WILL: Is Jack around?
DORLEEN: Oh, he's in the back getting ready for his showcase. I told him he could leave a couple of hours early.
WILL: Oh, good. Well, that gives him ten minutes to get dressed, and an hour and 50 minutes to learn how to act.
DORLEEN: [EXAGGERATED LAUGHING] Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [WHILE TOSSING HER HAIR] Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha!
WILL: You know, I was actually hoping to run into you.
DORLEEN: Really? Yeah. Me, too. I've been thinking about you all day. Hi.
WILL: Hi. The reason I came by is, uh... I--I--I'm not really very aggressive, but I'm trying to be the kind of guy who just goes for what he wants, so I'm just-- I'm just going to say it.
DORLEEN: Oh, my God. I can't breathe.
WILL: I've got the slim hips and broad shoulders that a sweater dreams about. I can carry a man purse and still look masculine. I feel that my fat-to-muscle ratio is right on target, but I'm willing to bulk up. Do you want to see me walk?
DORLEEN: For starters, yeah. Walk into my office.
[DORLEEN EXITS INTO HER OFFICE. WILL LOOKS AT THIS REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR AND TAKES OFF HIS SUIT JACK AND SLINGS IT OVER HIS SHOULDER AND FOLLOWS DORLEEN INTO HER OFFICE.]
WILL: Ahem. Hi. [DEEP VOICE] Monday through Friday, he's a corporate lawyer, but on the weekend the suit comes off and he is ready to rock 'n' ro--Aah!
[DORLEEN HAS TAKEN OFF HER TOP.]
WILL: What are you doing?!
DORLEEN: I thought we were being aggressive.
WILL: I thought I was auditioning.
DORLEEN: To be my boyfriend?
WILL: To be a model?
JACK: [PEEKING IN] Ok, I'm outta here. Hasta menorah. [TO WILL] What are you doing here? [TO DORLEEN] Why are you naked?
[A BIT LATER.... JACK IS WALKING AROUND WITH HAND CREAM.]
JACK: Hand cream? Want to try hand cream?
[JACK SADLY LOOKS AROUND.]
JACK: Hand cream? Hand-- [CRYING] Hand cream?
[THE EMPLOYEE JACK HARASSED WALKS BY CARRYING A STACK OF SWEATERS AND HISSES AT JACK.]
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment, Grace's Bedroom
(NATHAN enters the bedroom. It is completely dark.)
GRACE: [SULTRY] I'm over here.
[GRACE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, WHICH MOMENTARILY LIGHTS THE ROOM. SHE'S LAYING ON THE BED.]
[GRACE BEGINS COUGHING.]
NATHAN: What are you doing?
GRACE: Waiting for you. [GRACE INHALES] You wanna f-- [COUGHING]
GRACE: Let's f-- [COUGHING] Water...
[NATHAN HANDS GRACE HIS WATER BOTTLE.]
NATHAN: Now, why are you smoking?
GRACE: 'Cause it's sexy. [HOCKING]
NATHAN: Doesn't get much hotter than that. Grace, you know, I've been thinking there's a lot of things I haven't shared with you.
GRACE: Well, why don't we start sharing? [GRACE GRABS NATHAN.]
NATHAN: [STEPPING BACK] Uh, no, no, no. I'm serious. Like, I have a weak side, a vulnerable side.
GRACE: How about your front side?
[GRACE PULLS NATHAN'S PANTS DOWN.]
NATHAN: Oh! No. It's really important that we share something other than--
[GRACE THROWS NATHAN ON THE NED.]
GRACE: I want to have sex.
NATHAN: I want to talk!
[GRACE STRADDLES NATHAN.]
[NATHAN GETS UP AND RUNS OUT OF THE BEDROOM INTO THE LIVING ROOM. GRACE FOLLOWS. WILL IS SITTING ON THE SOFA READING A BOOK.]
GRACE: Come on! Don't you want me?
NATHAN: No! I want to tell you about my pets Snork and Chairman Meow!
GRACE: Take me!
NATHAN: I'm not a piece of meat! Talk to me!
GRACE: I don't want to talk!
NATHAN: I don't want to have sex!
WILL: I don't want you in my living room! Get out! Have your sex in the gym like normal people.
GRACE: Will, you don't understand. Karen told me he's losing interest.
NATHAN: Yeah, well, Karen told me that sex is all I have to offer.
WILL: And Karen told me that Christmas celebrates the birth of our lord Cartier. I mean, come on. Karen? You don't take relationship advice from Karen. You get advice on-- I don't know-- what wine goes with mood stabilizers. You're fine together. Your relationship is fine.
GRACE: [TO NATHAN] I feel kind of...
NATHAN: So do I.
GRACE: Do you want to go talk? About Snork and Chairman Meow?
NATHAN: Hell, no.
[NATHAN CHASES AFTER GRACE.]
GRACE: [GIGGLING] Ha ha!
[NATHAN CHACES GRACE BACK INTO HER BEDROOM.]
NATHAN: Arf arf!
GRACE: [SCREAMING LAUGHTER] Ah ha ha ha!
WILL: Straight people are so crazy.
[WILL WALKS BY THE MIRROR AND STOPS TO LOOK AT HIS REFLECTION.]
WILL: [TO HIS REFLECTION] Hello!