Original Airdate 10/18/2001
Written by Adam Barr
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Eileen Brennan (Zandra)
James Black (Anthony Dukane)
Margaret Scarborough (Summers)
Brent Sexton (Guard)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is sitting at the table reading the newspaper when JACK enters.)
JACK: Morning, camper. Everybody ready to go on a little day trip? I brought my fanny pack, which I will hold as a clutch... So as not to obscure... [TURNING AROUND] My dynamite fanny.
WILL: Jack, we're going to visit Stanley Walker in prison.
WILL: We're not going to Swishy Pete's Camp for Feminine Boys.
JACK: Do not lecture me. I have a lot more experience in this area than you do.
WILL: Jack, do I have to explain to you again the actual meaning of the phrase "penal system"?
GRACE: [ENTERING FROM HER BEDROOM] I'm not going! I'm too scared to visit a prison! Oh, my god. Look at me! I'm wearing a scarf to go to prison. I might as well be wearing a big sign that says, "strangle me"!
[GRACE EXITS BACK TO HER ROOM]
SCENE II: The Brooklyn House of Detention for Men
(KAREN, GRACE, JACK and WILL are waiting in late at the Guard's Desk.)
GUARD: Name, please?
KAREN: [SOFTLY] Karen Walker. I'm Stanley Walker's wife.
GUARD: Excuse me?
KAREN: [LOUDLY] I'm his bitch! Ok? Is that what you want to hear? I'm Stanley Walker's bitch! And I'm his one and only, just in case you pervs get any ideas during those lonely nights at lockdown--
GUARD: Ma'am, I just couldn't hear what you said.
KAREN: Oh. [CHIRPY] I'm Karen Walker. Oh, my god. I have that same gun. [IMITATES GUNSHOT]
[GRACE APPROACES THE GUARD.]
GRACE: Hi. Grace Adler. What I'm wearing isn't too revealing, is it? The--the men are locked up. I don't want to drive them into a state of sexual frenzy.
GUARD: I wouldn't worry about it.
GRACE: Oh, like you're so hot? [GRACE GLARES AT THE GUARD AS SHE STEPS ASIDE.]
[JACK APPROACES THE GUARD.]
JACK: Hi. I just want to let you know that I have seen the documentary "Scared Straight" 17 times. Never took.
WILL: [TO THE GUARD] Please, forgive my friends. They're just, uh... They're idiots.
GUARD: Ok, only two visitors at a time. Please let the ladies through.
KAREN: [TO GRACE] My husband is in prison.
[A GUARD OPENS THE IRON GATE FOR GRACE AND KAREN. THEY STEP THROUGH AND THE GATE SHUTS BEHIND THEM.]
GRACE: It's gonna be ok. I just want you to know that I am here for you. Ok? I'm strong.
GRACE: I'm gonna be your rock, ok? Everything's gonna be all right.
[WILL STEPS UP TO GRACE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GATE.]
WILL: [IMITATING HANNIBAL LECTER] Don't stand too close to the glass, Clarice.
GRACE: Don't joke like that! [CRYING] You promised you were never gonna do that!
WILL: [IMITATING HANNIBAL LECTER] I lied. [SUCKING BREATH IN LIKE HANNIBAL LECTER] F-F-F-F-F--
GRACE: Aah! Ohh! [GRACE RUNS DOWN THE HALL]
[A MAN APPROACHES WILL.]
ANTHONY: [TO WILL] Excuse me. I saw you come in with Karen Walker. Are you a friend of the family?
WILL: I'm Mr. Walker's attorney. Who are you?
ANTHONY: [TO HIS CREW] It's the attorney! Get set up, guys.
[A CAMERAMAN AND SOUNDMAN SET UP BEHIND ANTHONY.]
WILL: Oh, no, no, no. Listen, I'm--I'm-- I'm not prepared to make a statement.
ANTHONY: It's just a few easy questions, Mr...
WILL: Uh, Tr-Truman. Will Truman. But I'm not really comfortable with--
ANTHONY: Roll camera. In three, two... [INTO CAMERA] This is Anthony Dukane with Channel Three News. I'm standing here with Will Truman, the attorney for Stanley Walker. [TO WILL] Mr. Truman, do you think your client was treated more or less fairly because of his wealth and status?
WILL: [VERY NERVOUS] Uh... The--the status of Mr. Whacker-- Wicker-- Wexler--
WILL: Walker. Thank you. [SILLY GIGGLE] Hee hee hee! Uh... Oy, boy. The answer to your question is--is, uh, Mr. Guilter's walk-- Mr. Guilter's alleged walk-- Wait. W-W-What--What I'm trying to say is--is-- that, yes, he's rich. He's very rich. But that doesn't mean he's--he's poor. Whosie boisie hohh...
ANTHONY: Ok, that's it. Nice job. [TO HIS CREW] Let's go.
[THE NEWS CREW EXITS.]
WILL: [TO JACK] Uh...what did I just say?
JACK: Whosie boisie hohh.
WILL: Oh, God...
SCENE III: The Walker Penthouse
(GRACE is walking KAREN to the door.)
GRACE: So you gonna be ok?
KAREN: Yeah. It's just-- kind of weird coming home to a... big empty house.
GRACE: I know. You and 35 servants. So I guess I'll see you tomorrow?
KAREN: Yeah. I guess you will. [WIHLE COUGHING INTO HER HAND] Want to stay over? [COUGHING]
GRACE: Did-- Did you say something?
KAREN: Well... I-- Mmm... I didn't say anything.
GRACE: Oh, ha ha. Oh. 'Cause-- I--I-- I thought... you asked me to stay over.
KAREN: Huh?! Me? You? Huh? Ha ha ha ha! No.
GRACE: Karen, do you, do you want me to stay?
KAREN: Uh... I don't know, Grace. If you want to stay, I'm not gonna stop you. [UNDER HER BREATH] What is your problem?
GRACE: Look, Karen, if--if you want me to stay, all you have to do is ask.
KAREN: Listen, if I wanted you to stay, I would ask you to stay-- [BEHIND THE DOOR] Please stay.
GRACE: Stop doing that! What do you-- What do you want?
KAREN: I don't want anything, honey, but apparently, you're just dying to spend the night over here, so... Yeah, come on in! Try to keep your feet off the furniture!
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(JACK is watching a videotape of Will's interview on TV. He is very amused.)
WILL'S VOICE [ON TV]: Yes, he's rich. He's very rich. But that-- That doesn't mean he's-- He's poor. Whosie boisie hohh...
JACK: [LAUGHING] Ha ha! Ha ha ha! That's good. Ha ha ha! That's good stuff. Good stuff.
[JACK REWINDS THE TAPE]
WILL'S VOICE [ON TV]: ...boisie hohh...
JACK: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [CONTINUES CHUCKLING]
WILL: [ENTERING] Hey, Jack, what are you watching?
JACK: Just some classic bloopers.
[JACK REWINDS THE TAPE]
WILL: Oh, yeah? Well, shove over. I could use a little cheering up.
WILL'S VOICE [ON TV]: Whosie boisie hohh...
WILL: You are such a jerk, you know that? What, have you been sitting her by yourself laughing at me?
JACK: No! Toby and Josh were here, but you ran out of wine.
WILL: Stop it. It's not funny, ok? It's humiliating. You know, I-I-I freeze up in front of a camera. I always have. It's a big problem, you know? On my grandparents' 50th anniversary video, I blanked on their names.
JACK: Well, what were their names?
WILL: Grandma and Grandpa. I'm such a loser.
JACK: Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Don't be so hard on yourself. Why, I once knew a man people thought was a loser. Do you want to know what happened to him? He went on to invent hand sneakers.
WILL: Hand sneakers?
JACK: Yeah. You know, so when you do cartwheels, your hands don't get dirty.
WILL: Couldn't you just wear gloves?
JACK: Damn it, I should have invented gloves!
WILL: I'm not answering that.
WILL'S VOICE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE, SINGING]: Who can it be calling on our phone? [KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK]
GRACE'S VOICE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE, SINGING]: Just leave your name; 'cause we're not at home.
WILL'S VOICE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE, SINGING]: Who can it be now?
GRACE'S VOICE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE, SINGING]: Who can it? [VERY HIGH-PITCHED] Who can it?
WILL: How did she talk me into doing that?
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
ANTHONY'S VOICE [LEAVING MESSAGE]: Hi, Mr. Truman. Tony Dukane from Channel Three. I was wondering if you were available for a follow-up interview.
JACK: Let me take care of this, hmm? [ANSWERING PHONE] Hi, Mr. Dukane. Uh-huh. You want him to do another interview? He'll do it.
WILL: [CHOKES ON HIS WATER] Jack!
JACK: [INTO PHONE] Can you hold just for one second?
WILL: Give me the phone!
[WILL CHASES JACK TRYING TO GET THE PHONE. JACK PULLS THE WAIST OF HIS PANTS AND HOLDS THE PHONE THERE.]
WILL: You wouldn't dare!
JACK: Oh, wouldn't I?
[WILL JUMPS FORWARD TO GRAB THE PHONE AND JACK DROPS IT INTO HIS PANTS.]
WILL: I will reach in there myself and get it.
JACK: No, you won't.
WILL: No, I won't, but I will slap you like a girl.
[WILL CHASES JACK AROUND THE COUCH.]
JACK: [SHRIEKING] Get away! Get away! Stop! Get away!
JACK: Can't you see I'm here to help you?
JACK: [POINTING TO THE PHONE IN HIS PANTS] This is a big opportunity. A very big opportunity.
WILL: To do what, humiliate myself on television again?
JACK: No. To redeem yourself. This time, when you go on camera, you're gonna be great, and do you know why? Because you're coming with me to my on-camera acting class. Ta-da!
WILL: "Ta-da?" What, do moronic ideas get a fanfare now? Look, my problem is speaking in front of a camera. So how could I possibly be helped by some class that teaches speaking... in front of a camera?
WILL: [TALKING INTO JACK'S PANTS] I'll do it.
JACK: He's still on hold.
WILL: Well, could you take him off?
[JACK SQUINTS AND THE PHONE BEEPS.]
SCENE V: The Walker Penthouse, Karen's Bedroom
(Morning. GRACE is asleep in KAREN's bed with her mouth wide open. KAREN is sitting up in bed getting a manicure from one of her maids. Another maid is giving GRACE a pedicure while she sleeps.)
[KAREN SPRAYS SOMETHING INTO GRACE'S OPEN MOUTH. GRACE WAKES UP, CHOKING AND COUGHING.]
GRACE: Oh, my god. That was, like, the best night of sleep I think I've ever had in my life.
KAREN: Well, it should have been, honey. You're sleeping on a $5,000 mattress with $5,000 sheets and the indentation of a 5,000-pound man. Hey... listen... thanks for staying over last night. It really helped.
GRACE: I'm glad I could be here. You know, at one point during the night I looked over at you while you were asleep. You looked so innocent and peaceful. Kind of freaked me out. God, I love this nightgown. It's just so roomy.
KAREN: Honey, that's not a nightgown. That's one of Stan's fitted Ts.
GRACE: [TO THE MAID GIVING HER A PEDICURE] Oh! Oh, no-- Ha ha! No, no. That's ok. [LOOKING AT HER WATCH] Oh, my god. Oh, my god, look at the time. I gotta get going.
KAREN: Honey, are you sure you don't want to at least stay for breakfast?
GRACE: No, no, no, it's ok. I'll just grab some Oreos out of the bowl at my bank. Oh, wow. I love that color. What is it?
KAREN: Grace. [SIGHS] There's no color. They just cleaned off your toes.
GRACE: Still, it's nice.
[ROSARIO ENTERS, PUSHING IN A CART.]
ROSARIO: Miss Karen, time to get up.
KAREN: Hey. How about bringing the volume down to foghorn level?
ROSARIO: Up yours, Count Drunkula.
KAREN: Ha ha ha ha! [TO GRACE] Oh, come on, honey, stick around. It's fun here. Come on.
GRACE: I wish I could. I just that I've got to clean my apartment, I've got to pick up my dry cleaning--
[GRACE GETS OUT OF BED AND MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE DOOR.]
ROSARIO: For breakfast this morning we're serving French toast. The masseur comes at 2:00. And the movie in the media room this afternoon is soft-core porn for women.
GRACE: Maybe I should stay a little longer.
[GRACE TURNS AROUND AND JUMPS BACK INTO BED.]
SCENE VI: The Acting School
(WILL and JACK enter the classroom. A woman named SUMMERS is already sitting down. There is a stage at the front of the class.)
JACK: Well, here we are-- the actors' gymnatorium. Where we tone and strengthen the hams and pecs of our craft.
WILL: Ok, good-bye.
JACK: Hey, come on, come on. Give it a try. Zandra is like a god in the acting community.
WILL: Who's Sondra?
JACK: Shh! It is Zandra with a "Z," not Sondra with an "S," 'cause Sondra with an "S" goes "sss" not "zzz." A student once made the mistake of calling her Sondra, and she threw a lit cigarette at him.
WILL: Don't you mean... Zigarette?
ZANDRA: [ENTERING] Look, kiddies, I'm being pummeled by my allergies, my back is in knots, and ve got an underwire sticking right here in my left one. So I am in no mood for B.S. Ronnie, light me, please.
[RONNIE LIGHTS ZANDRA'S CIGARETTE, THEN MOVES TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS TO OPERATE THE VIDEO CAMERA.]
ZANDRA: Now... Let's see. Just one general note here. [READING HER NOTES] "Your scenes... last week... horse crap." So we're gonna have to go back to the basics. In this exercise, I want you to apologize-- Apologize to someone that you've wronged. And I don't want to catch anybody "acting." Ok? I just want to catch the truth. Now you, Summers, you're up.
[SUMMERS TAKES THE STAGE.]
SUMMERS: [CLEARS THROAT, TAKES DEEP BREATH] Mom... I'm not quite sure how to say this, but... [CRYING] I'm sorry. [SOBBING] Oh, God, I'm sorry! [SOBBING AND FALLING TO THE FLOOR]
WILL: [TO JACK] Is she ok?
JACK: Ok? She's having a breakthrough. It's what we all strive for. Look at her. No inhibitions. Raw, naked, open.
WILL: I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again.
ZANDRA: Ok, young lady. [ZANDRA PULLS SUMMERS UP BY THE HAIR.] That's nice work.
SUMMERS: Thanks, Zandra. It felt really good.
[SUMMERS SITS DOWN.]
ZANDRA: McFarland, you're up.
JACK: [TO WILL] Try not to fall in love with me during this exercise. I'll be very exposed.
[JACK TAKES THE STAGE.]
JACK: Someone I've wronged, someone I've wronged. Ok, I got it. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm...really, really sorry, ahh... I didn't mean to do it, so... Sorry. Ha ha.
ZANDRA: What is that?
JACK: M-my apology.
ZANDRA: To who?
JACK: My father?
ZANDRA: I don't buy it.
JACK: Ok, it--it-- It wasn't my father. It was somebody else that I really wronged.
ZANDRA: I don't believe you.
JACK: Ok, I wasn't thinking about anybody.
ZANDRA: Well, what were you thinking about?
ZANDRA: What kind?
JACK: An egg salad sandwich.
ZANDRA: You liar!
JACK: Ok, it was tuna!
SUMMERS: [TO WILL] Poor guy. He's not very in touch with his instrument.
WILL: Oh, but he is. He can even dial a phone with it.
SCENE VII: The Walker Penthouse, Karen's Bathroom
(KAREN enters the bathroom with some shopping bags. She doesn't see GRACE, who is taking a bubble bath in the tub.)
KAREN: Ba ba da be ba da-- [STARTLED BY GRACE] Ohh! Oh! honey, you scared me. I thought you were my clone, but none of them survived. Ohh...
GRACE: Hey, Kar.
KAREN: Hey, aren't you supposed to be at work, 'cause I know I am.
GRACE: Oh, how am I supposed to leave you? I mean, look at you. You're a wreck.
[GRACE PUTS AN EYE MASK ON AND LEANS BACK IN THE TUB.]
KAREN: Oh, well, actually, honey, I'm feeling much better. Yeah, I just talked to Stan. He had a good day in prison today. He and a convicted junk bond trader smuggled a glazed ham out of the kitchen. So, honey, if you want to leave, I know you've got things to do. I mean, there's fashion mistakes to be made, and...it's probably happy hour at some gay bar. Oh, and also--
GRACE: [INTERRUPTING LIKE KAREN] Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. You know what? I'm not gonna leave you. Not this apartment or this tub, until I know that you are totally whole.
GRACE: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh... Not another word. You know what? I'm getting a little chill, so could you close the door, please?
[KAREN STARTS TO SHUT THE DOOR.]
GRACE: From the other side.
[KAREN EXITS THE BATHROOM, SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.]
SCENE VIII: The Acting School
(JACK is still on stage.)
JACK: How sorry am I? "S" is for how very sad you make me feel. "O" is for, oh, how very bad you make me feel. "R" is for how wrong you make me feel.
ZANDRA: And the other "R" is for how rotten you are. Get off. Get off the stage! I don't want to even look at you anymore.
JACK: Sorry, Zandra.
[JACK SITS DOWN.]
ZANDRA: I don't even believe that. [TO WILL] Ok, new person, you're up.
WILL: Oh, no, no. I'm just observing.
ZANDRA: Life isn't there for us to observe. It's there for us to live.
WILL: No, really, I--I-- Oh, but--
[ZANDRA GRABS WILL AND PULLS HIM ON STAGE.]
WILL: The thing is, when there's a camera on me, I just get-- Whoa. Oy, boy. Uh, I--I can't.
ZANDRA: Do it now. Go.
WILL: Hi. I--I--I-- I haven't done a lot of acting before. Actually, that's not true. I--I-- For 19 years, I played the role of a heterosexual.
ZANDRA: My guess is, not very convincingly. Now apologize to someone you've wronged.
WILL: [TAKES DEEP BREATH] Ok, let's see, uh... I'm sorry...
ZANDRA: Someone that you've treated unfairly. Just think about the pain you've caused, and tell that person you're sorry.
WILL: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. I'm sorry I expect so much from you.
ZANDRA: Who are you talking to?
[CUT TO LATER. WILL IS SITTING ON THE STAGE CLUTCHING A BOX OF KLEENEX, CRYING.]
WILL: [CRYING, IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] It's just that... I make you feel that you have to be so perfect for everybody else. I--I--I set you up for failure. No wonder you're afraid. Please forgive me, I beg of you, please, forgive me. I love you. I love you. [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Will Truman, I love you! [SOBBING]
[ZANDRA PATS WILL ON THE HEAD.]
ZANDRA: I want to work with you privately.
SCENE IX: The Walker Penthouse, Karen's Bathroom
(KAREN and ROSARIO are sitting in the tub having a bubble bath.)
KAREN: I don't know what to do. I mean, Grace is my friend, and it's not that I don't appreciate what she's done, but enough is enough.
ROSARIO: I know, mommy. She's driving me up a wall.
KAREN: She sleeps late. She's insulting to the staff. She's turning into one of those mean, abusive rich people.
ROSARIO: She should be punched in the neck.
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. That's not very lady-like.
ROSARIO: With an open fist.
KAREN: There's my girl. Oh... What are we gonna do? [GASP] Wait a minute. I've got an idea. We'll come up with a big fancy plan with lots of twists and turns, to make her understand what she's done. I'll hide somewhere, and you'll wear big shoes.
ROSARIO: Or we could go simpler.
[CUT TO GRACE FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS.]
GRACE: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!O Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! uhh! Ow!
[GRACE PULLS HERSELF OFF THE FLOOR.]
KAREN: [OFF-SCREEN] Thanks, honey! You're a good friend!
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are sitting watching WILL's interview TV. GRACE looks sad.)
WILL'S VOICE [ON TV]: "And I have to believe if there's any justice in this world, Stanley Walker will soon be a free man."
WILL: Wow. I'm so real.
[WILL REWINDS THE TAPE.]
WILL'S VOICE [ON TV]: "Stanley Walker will soon be a free man."
WILL: Every time I watch it, I find a new layer. Wanna watch it again?
GRACE: No. Turn it off. Hand me that blanket.
WILL: [ANNOYED] You get it.
GRACE: [SCOFFS] You know, if we were at Karen's right now, there would be somebody to do this for me.
[GRACE GRABS THE BLANKET AND COVERS UP.]
GRACE: This place is a dump.