Original Airdate 10/4/2001
Written by Tracy Poust & Jon Kinnally
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Woody Harrelson (Nathan)
Adam Goldberg (Kevin Wolchek)
Walter Addison (D.T. Petersen)
SCENE I: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(WILL and GRACE are eating lunch at Will's desk.)
GRACE: Hey, should we learn how to swing?
WILL: What do you mean "swing"?
WILL: Then no.
GRACE: Anyway, don't forget Saturday is Nathan's birthday. Guess what I got him...and keep in mind that the three things he loves most are zen, art, and motorcycle maintenance.
WILL: Oh, my god...I love this game! Is it...is it..is...I'm out.
GRACE: A signed, first edition of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance!"
GRACE: Isn't that perfect? I mean, can you just imagine the look on his face when he sees this? He's gonna go nuts.
WILL: An amazing book. It articulates an entirely new philosophy for living. It changed my life.
GRACE: You never read that book.
WILL: No, but without it, I would have had a table that went like this-- [WILL MAKES A WOBBLING MOTION WITH HIS HANDS.]
JACK: [ENTERING] I'm so sorry I'm late. [SIGHS] The meeting ran a little long.
WILL: What meeting?
JACK: In that room down the hall. No idea what they're yammering about, but they had cinnabons and coffee. It was good. We got a lot done.
[SUDDENLY, SOMEONE BANGS ON THE WINDOW TO WILL'S OFFICE. EVERYONE JUMPS AND LOOKS. KEVIN WOLCHEK IS STANDING OUTSIDE THE OFFICE WINDOW SMILING.]
GRACE: Who was that?
WILL: Kevin Wolchek. Can you believe that? He's working here now.
GRACE: The Kevin Wolchek?
WILL: The Kevin Wolchek.
JACK: [GASPS] The Kevin Wolchek? Who's Kevin Wolchek?
GRACE: The creep who bullied Will all through elementary school, his archenemy, his nemesis.
WILL: Yes, I'll never forget the time he and his evil sidekick Prunehead tried to send me to the eighth dimension. He's just a bully.
GRACE: Just a bully? He was awful! He used to dump Will in the cafeteria garbage can if he didn't do his homework.
JACK: Well, I, too, was bullied as a child. I went through a lot, but I'm proud to say no one ever forced me to do their homework. [CHUCKLES]
WILL: That was probably because they never assigned a history paper on the rise of the leg warmer.
JACK: Yeah, I went to a crappy school.
GRACE: Will, I can't believe how casual you're being about this. I mean, this is the guy who changed the name on your locker from "Will Truman" to "Will Woman."
JACK: Wow, that's brill. The best I ever came up with was "Will Trumpetman." Hm. I gotta go back to the drawing board. I'll give you a little sample of what I'm working on. How about "Dill Truman"? Ha ha ha. It's supposed to be "Will."
GRACE: Sweetie, are you gonna be ok? You sure you don't want me to stick around in case Kevin comes back? You know I'm a good biter. I once bit a jump rope in half.
GRACE: What do you mean, "why"?!
WILL: Ok, thank you. No. Don't worry, honey. It was a million years ago. You know, we're all grownups now.
[GRACE EXITS. WILL BEGINS TO TURN AWAY FROM THE DOOR AND NOTICES THAT THE "WILLIAM TRUMAN" PLACARD ON HIS DOOR HAS A PIECE OF PAPER COVERING PART OF HIS LAST NAME MAKING IT SAY "WILLIAM WOMAN".]
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE and KAREN are talking about Nathan's birthday.)
GRACE: I am so excited to give Nathan his birthday present. He's gonna freak-- wait for it-- out.
KAREN: Oh, honey, come on. He doesn't care about a present. He's a man. Just flash him a little boob.
KAREN: [GASPS] Oh, I'm sorry, honey. That was mean. [KAREN LOOKS AT GRACE'S CHEST AND POKES AT IT A LITTLE.]
GRACE: Congratulations. [GRACE POINTS AT KAREN'S PIN] I see they're finally giving out medals for evil.
[NATHAN ENTERS. HIS PANTS ARE AROUND HIS ANKLES.]
NATHAN: Another bad job interview. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
GRACE: Have I got a classy boyfriend or what? Come here.
[GRACE PULLS UP NATHAN'S PANTS AND KISSES HIM.]
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey. Come on. Come on. This is a place of business so unless you're gonna charge him for that, take it outside.
GRACE: Come on, Karen, like you never got a little at the office?
NATHAN: Well, at least she had the decency to be by herself.
KAREN: [LAUGHS AND GIGGLES] A-ha ha... a-ha ha ha... It's funny 'cause it's true.
GRACE: [TO NATHAN] So what are you doing here?
NATHAN: Well, you know, I was just sitting at home, thinking the highlight of my day is a kiss from my girlfriend, and I'm not waiting till 6:00 for that.
GRACE: You are such a liar. It's just 'cause you couldn't find the birthday present at the apartment.
NATHAN: I tore the place apart. I--I even looked through your underwear drawer. I found where you hide my...competition.
KAREN: [LAUGHS AND GIGGLES] Ha ha ha... Ha ha ha ha.... It's funny 'cause it's sad.
NATHAN: I also found a stack of white shirts wrapped in blue paper. Is that my present?
GRACE: Mm-mmm. Will's laundry.
NATHAN: Oh, shoot. I already returned it. Well, I gotta go. I have an appointment for a small business loan.
[NATHAN DROPS HIS PANTS AND WALKS OUT THE DOOR.]
GRACE: You gotta admit, that is a cute guy.
KAREN: Yeah. I would do him nice and good.
GRACE: [LAUGHS] Ha ha ha... It's funny 'cause it'll never happen.
SCENE III: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(WILL is sitting at his desk, casually applying hand lotion to his hands.)
KEVIN: [ENTERING] Hey, Will, I'm gonna need you to--
[WILL QUICKLY THROWS THE LOTION IN HIS DESK DRAWER AND SLAMS IT SHUT.]
KEVIN: Catch you at a bad time, or--
WILL: No! No, I was just, uh--
KEVIN: You were lotioning. Heh heh. That's nice. You know, I'm sure a lot of guys do that. [KEVIN SMILES]
WILL: For your information, I was not lotioning.
[WILL LEANS ON HIS DESK. HIS HANDS SLIP AND HE HITS THE DESK, THEN QUICKLY SITS UP.]
WILL: Yes, I was lotioning, but I happen to have a prescription from my doctor.
KEVIN: Well, which doctor would that be? Your gyno?
WILL: You here for a reason?
KEVIN: Yeah, actually, I need you to draft a contract for my meeting with D.T. Petersen.
WILL: Peterson the meat guy? He's not my client.
KEVIN: Yeah, I know, but I'm taking this chick out to dinner tonight, so...
KEVIN: So... make it about ten pages and use plenty of big words.
WILL: Wait. Wait a minute! Whoa. Are you kidding me with this?! I'm not gonna do your homework for you.
KEVIN: I think you will.
WILL: No, I won't.
KEVIN: Yeah, you will.
KEVIN: Just do it.
WILL: [NERVOUS] Or what? You're gonna-- you're gonna beat me up at 3:15 at the flagpole? Come on. What-- That might have worked on me when I was in fourth grade, but I'm an adult now. You know, I--I wear suits and stuff. I'm not scared of you.
[WILL SHRIEKS AND JUMPS BACK]
SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs
(NATHAN is looking around the office for his birthday present with GRACE following him. KAREN is sitting at her desk.)
NATHAN: All right, where is it? Come on.
GRACE: Ok, ok, ok. At the risk of tooting my own horn, which I don't have to do anymore since I have you in my life. I think I really outdid myself.
KAREN: Oh, I want to give my gift! I want to give mine!
NATHAN: Girls, please, I don't want to see you fight over me, unless you take your tops off and cover yourself in mud. Oh, lord! Did I just guess my gift?
GRACE: Ok, ok, Karen, you go first. I'll be the big finish.
KAREN: Ok, now, Nathaniel, I just got you a little something 'cause I didn't really have a lot of time. So you're gonna have to forgive me.
[KAREN MOVES TO THE SWATCH ROOM ENTRANCE.]
KAREN: [TIMIDLY] Sorry. Oh, Salesman.
[A SALESMAN PUSHES A RED MOTORCYCLE OUT OF THE SWATCH ROOM.]
NATHAN: Oh, my god!
GRACE: Oh, my god. A motorcycle. You got him a motorcycle?!
KAREN: Happy birthday. Thank you, Salesman. [SALESMAN EXITS.]
NATHAN: You... You got me a Ducati Monster S4?
KAREN: [TIMIDLY] Is it ok?
NATHAN: Is it-- I just-- I never-- Oh ho!
[NATHAN BEGINS DOING A GOOFY DANCE.]
GRACE: What are you doing?
NATHAN: My happy dance! Otherwise known as my Ducati Monster S4 dance. Karen, this is the greatest gift I've ever gotten in my life. Thank you so much!
[NATHAN SITS ON THE BIKE.]
KAREN: Yay! More presents! Come on, Grace. Come on. Give him yours.
GRACE: Um, no, um, I think, you know, I'm just gonna wait till later.
KAREN: No, come on. Don't be silly. Give it to him now.
NATHAN: Yeah, baby.
GRACE: Ok, ok. Ok. Um... Happy birthday. [GRACE GIVES NATHAN HER PRESENT. KAREN CLAPS.]
NATHAN: Cool. "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance." Oh, I get it. Because Karen got me the motorcycle. Oh! Thank you, gracious.
[NATHAN TOSSES THE BOOK ONTO GRACE'S DESK.]
NATHAN: Vroom! Vroom!
GRACE: Uh, well, that's just-- that's just really-- that's part one of my present, and wait till you see part two. You're just gonna-- You're gonna--Aah! Um, not--not today. It's a Jewish thing. You know how we like to stretch out the gifts.
NATHAN: Oh. You jews are great. Except for that circumcision thing. Hey, you mind if I take it for a test spin?
KAREN: No, honey! Go ahead!
[NATHAN MAKES ENGINE NOISES AS HE PUSHES THE BIKE INTO THE FREIGHT ELEVATOR AND EXITS.]
KAREN: [TO GRACE] You were right. Birthday's are fun!
[KAREN TURNS AND MOVES TO HER DESK. GRACE FOLLOWS CLOSELY BEHIND HER.]
KAREN: You know, next year, I think I'll get him a sidecar. Do they still make sidecars, or do they--
[KAREN TURNS AROUND AND GRACE IS RIGHT UP AGAINST HER, NOSE TO NOSE.]
KAREN: Honey, you're a little close.
GRACE: I'm going to kick your ass.
KAREN: Well, why, honey? What did I do? [KAREN TAKES A STEP BACK]
GRACE: You trumped my gift... The first gift... The gift he'll always remember. And because of that, [TAKING A STEP FORWARD] I'm going to kick your ass.
KAREN: Honey, you're scaring me a little bit. [KAREN TAKES A STEP BACK]
GRACE: I'm a little scared, too, Karen, 'cause I have never been so overwhelmed with the desire to [TAKING A STEP FORWARD] kick your ass.
[AFTER AN UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE, KAREN POINTS BEHIND GRACE]
KAREN: Look, honey, it's an attractive gay man!
[GRACE TURNS AND KAREN RUNS OUT OF THE OFFICE.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL is lying on the couch under a blanket when JACK enters, humming and carrying food in plastic containers.)
[JACK WALKS PAST THE COUCH AND NOTICES WILL.]
JACK: What are you doing here? I have people coming over.
WILL: Woke up this morning with a--with a-- in my, um...
JACK: In your what?
WILL: Nothing. I just-- I have a bit of a-- [COUGHS] and I-- my stomach hurts.
JACK: Oh, dear. I think you may have a touch of S.C.S.
WILL: What's that?
JACK: That would be "scaredy-cat syndrome." It's a strain of the fraidy-cat virus was going around last summer.
JACK: You may need a Kevin-Wolchek-oscopy.
WILL: I'm sick, ok? I have a cough, and my tummy hurts. Now, make me a grilled cheese sandwich and roll the TV in here. I want to watch my stories.
NATHAN: [ENTERING] Hey, fellas. Ah, there's nothing like hopping on your hog first thing in the morning and riding it till your butt gets tired.
JACK: You're preaching to the choir, ok?
NATHAN: [TO WILL] Hey, what are you doing home? I got people coming over.
JACK: Will's pretending he's sick, 'cause he's afraid he's gonna get beat up by Kevin Wolchek.
NATHAN: Oh, right, that bully guy. Yeah. Grace told me about "Will Woman." [LAUGHS] Which I didn't laugh at. Hang in there, man.
[NATHEN EXITS TO HIS AND GRACE'S BEDROOM.]
JACK: [TO WILL] Look at you. I am very disappointed in you.
WILL: You are?! Well, you think I like feeling like this... Again?! You know, by the time I got to the fourth grade, the guy had made me such a nervous wreck that I ate lunch every day with the janitor. Always left there feeling better, though. Probably 'cause I was swigging kahlua out of Mr. Pang's thermos.
JACK: Then why don't you do something about it?! Fight back! Put on your pink boxing gloves and start crying.
WILL: I'm not a fighter, ok? I--I--I bruise like a summer fruit.
JACK: Well, if you're not gonna do it for yourself, then do it for me. And, Will, do it for every loser, geek, weakling, homo, ethnic, fatty, smarty sitting alone under the jungle-gym petrified that they're gonna get beat up for being different.
WILL: You're right. Why am I putting up with this? I mean, I-I'm not a boy. I'm a man.
JACK: Attaboy! So here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna get up. You're gonna go into that office, and you're gonna beat the crap outta that guy. You hear me? Come on! Get mad!
WILL: I am! I'm mad!
JACK: Good, so what are you gonna do?!
WILL: I'm gonna beat the crap out of him.
JACK: Don't say it like that. Say it like this... [HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKING] I'm gonna beat the crap outta that guy!
JACK: Say it! Believe it! [YELLING] Who we going after?!
WILL: [YELLING] Kevin Wolchek!
JACK: [YELLING] What are you gonna do?!
WILL: [YELLING] Beat the crap out of him!
JACK: [YELLING] And what are you gonna wear?!
WILL: [YELLING] Jeans! No! Khakis!
SCENE VI: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is at her workstation, wrapping a present.)
[A BIG, BURLY MAN IN A DARK SUIT ENTERS. HE STANDS NEAR THE DOOR AND CROSSES HIS HANDS IN FRONT OF HIM.]
[KAREN ENTERS, HESITATING, STANDING UP AGAINST THE BACK WALL, SO "BODYGUARD" IS BETWEEN HER AND GRACE.]
KAREN: Morning, Grace.
KAREN: Whatcha doing?
GRACE: Just getting some coffee.
[GRACE TURNS TO GET SOME COFFEE, AND BODYGUARD STEPS IN HER WAY.]
GRACE: Karen, tell Bodyguard he can go. I no longer plan to kick your ass.
KAREN: Ok. Down, number five! Listen, uh, why don't you head home and stand guard over the prime rib. This morning I saw Rosario giving it the glad eye.
GRACE: Little tip for Bodyguard... Someone needs to reunite him with his estranged brother... Right Guard.
KAREN: So what are you doing there, honey?
GRACE: I am wrapping a present for Nathan, trying to undo what you did to me.
KAREN: Refresh my drink. What did I do again?
GRACE: You bought Nathan a motorcycle! I'm the girlfriend. I'm the one who's supposed to give the best gift, and now, thanks to four credit cards, 100,000 frequent-flyer Miles and an application to sell Will's sperm on the Internet, I do.
KAREN: Well, honey, if it's that big a problem, I could just take the motorcycle back.
GRACE: No, no, no, no. No need. 'Cause now I have a present that's better than yours.
KAREN: Oh, that's great. Who wrote it?
GRACE: It's not a book. It's a watch, a very expensive diving watch, so that if Nathan ever finds himself two,000 feet under water and needs to know what time it is, he ain't gonna be looking at a motorcycle.
KAREN: Well, honey, I... I hope you don't feel like you have to compete with me.
GRACE: I don't. I'm not competing. But if I were, I'd be winning, so pfft!
KAREN: Why, Grace Alden, I can't believe what I'm hearing.
GRACE: Adler. My last name is Adler.
KAREN: Oh, that's pretty.
NATHAN: [ENTERING] Yeah, I love my new bike. I've been riding it up and down the footpath in Central Park, and I'll tell ya, people don't like that. Are you ready to go to dinner?
GRACE: Uh, yeah. Yeah, we should get going. Oh, by the way, Nathan, what time is it?
NATHAN: I don't know. I don't have a watch on.
GRACE: Really? No watch on. [GRACE LOOKS OVER AT KAREN, GLOATING]
GRACE: Really? 'Cause you left it at home?
NATHAN: No, I actually, I don't own a watch.
GRACE: Really? But if you did, you'd probably wear it all the time, right?
NATHAN: No, I hate watches.
GRACE: Reall-- What?!
SCENE VII: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(KEVIN WOLCHEK is going through the papers on WILL's desk when WILL enters.)
KEVIN: Where you been, Woman? I need that contract right now.
WILL: Well, good news. I got five contracts. [COUNTS DOWN HIS FINGERS INTO A FIST] One, two, three, four, five. Maybe you didn't hear me. It's go time. [WILL HOLDS UP HIS FISTS]
KEVIN: Do you actually have your dukes up?
WILL: Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something, these dukes are your hazard.
KEVIN: All right, let's do it.
[KEVIN TAKES A STEP TOWARDS WILL.]
WILL: Aah! Wait! Wait, wait. Ok. I can't do this. I--I don't want to fight you, ok? You're right. I am a woman. I'm not even as tough as a woman. You know, I once tried using an Epilady, and I had to see a specialist. There's your contract. I did it. So just leave me alone, ok?
KEVIN: You know, you did the right thing, Will, you know, and look at the bright side. You know that chick I took out last night? Nailed her.
SCENE VIII: A Restaurant
(NATHAN and GRACE are having dinner.)
NATHAN: Hey, listen, maybe after dinner I'll take you for a ride on my new bike. They say it's a chick magnet, but it's also a pigeon-crap magnet and a dog-whiz magnet.
GRACE: Ok, ok, ok, ok. I get it. You love the damn bike. Why don't you just marry it?
NATHAN: Well, I would, but I'm afraid of what our kids would look like. Are you ok? You seem a little weird.
GRACE: You want to know what's wrong with me? Karen's gift meant more to you than mine. Hers got this huge reaction, and what did mine get?
NATHAN: Well, Grace, it was a book. How excited could I get without looking like a geek?
GRACE: Perfect. So you hated it.
NATHAN: No, no, I loved it. It's just-- Grace... I can't read.
GRACE: Oh, my god. I didn't-- I should have known. That is so--
NATHAN: I can read. You've seen me read. Look, I love the book, and I'm gonna love part two of my gift, whatever it is. Where is it?
GRACE: There is no part two. I--I got you a watch, and you hate watches. So, luckily, it fits me, but that's it. I got nothing. All I got for part two is--is I love you. That's my gift. It's not very fast, it doesn't require a helmet, but it's pretty powerful, and I hope you like it.
GRACE: What are you doing?
NATHAN: The happy dance. That's the best gift I've ever gotten.
GRACE: It is?
NATHAN: Yes. What more do I need?
GRACE: You are a very sweet man... In clingy pants with no underwear on. Please sit down.
SCENE IX: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Kevin's Office
(KEVIN WOLCHEK enters with the contract that WILL drafted. His client, D.T. PETERSEN, is waiting for him.)
KEVIN: Ok, Mr. Petersen, here's the final draft of the merger agreement. I think you'll find that everything's in order.
[KEVIN HANDS THE CONTRACT TO PETERSEN.]
PETERSEN: Ah. [READING] "Pursuant to standard legal codes, the party of the first part, D.T. Petersen, President and Chief Executive Officer of Petersen Meats, Incorporated, will hereafter be referred to as 'The Big Wiener.'"
KEVIN: Excuse me?
PETERSEN: What the hell is this about?
PETERSEN: [READING] "Upon completion of the merger, the base of operation for the new corporation will now be located one foot inside my big, pimply ass."
[WILL SLOWLY WALKS BY KEVIN'S WINDOW, DANCING.]
PETERSEN: [READING] "Kevin Wolchek has not done his own homework since he was eight years old. One can only assume he received his law degree after consensual soft kissing with his torts professor."
KEVIN: Uh, ok, uh, can you just pardon me for, uh, one moment?
[KEVIN RUNS OUT OF THE OFFICE AND WILL TAKES OFF DOWN THE HALL.]