Episode #3.15 (Part II)
Original Airdate 2/22/2001 (7/19/2001)
Written by Alex Herschlag
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Sydney Pollack (George Truman)
Lesley Ann Warren (Tina)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(CONTINUED FROM PART I. TINA appeard when GEORGE was explaining to WILL and GRACE that he wouldn't be staying for dinner.)
TINA: So, bathroom?
WILL: Oh! It's the room on the right. The one with the toilet in it.
TINA: Oh, that makes sense. [GIDDY LAUGH] Hee-hee-ha!
[TINA EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: Oh, I'm sorry, my turn. So...
GEORGE: I'm gonna call the restaurant and tell 'em we'll be a little late. I'll be right back.
[GEORGE EXITS INTO WILL'S BEDROOM.]
GRACE: Oh, Will, what you must be feeling. I mean, we're just talking about it, and then whoomp-- there it is!
WILL: "Whoomp, there it is?" What am I supposed to say? "Who let the dogs out?" She's a colleague.
GRACE: Oh...come...on. I mean, it's one thing when it's just this abstract notion floating out in the universe, but it's another thing when it's peeing in your toilet.
WILL: Grace, let it go this is not a problem.
GRACE: Do you really expect me to believe that you're ok with this?
WILL: Yup, I do. In fact, I'll show you how ok I am. I'm gonna invite them both to dinner.
GRACE: Ha ha ha! [SNORTS] Oh, right. Yeah, the four of us are gonna eat together. That's a dysfunctional dinner I'd like to see.
[CUT TO LATER. WILL, GRACE, GEORGE, AND TINA ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER.]
WILL: And what do you think of the chicken drumettes, Pop? You know, I used a little marmalade the glaze. I call the recipe "Chicken Lady Marmalade."
TINA: Ha ha ha...
GEORGE: You know, there's something we haven't talked about all night. I'm really kind of surprised nobody's ever brought it up.
GRACE: Oh, finally. [SIGHS]
GEORGE: Is this not the coldest winter we have ever had?
WILL: Yes, I was thinking the same thing.
SCENE VII: A New York Street Corner
(KAREN and JACK are sitting in KAREN's limousine. JACK is looking out the window with a pair of binoculars.)
KAREN: Any sign of the chubby cheater?
JACK: No. He's been in that podiatrist office for, like, two hours.
KAREN: Yeah, getting his hammer toes fixed up nice and shiny for his new slut!
JACK: Ooh, that garbage man is hot. Yeah... Grind that garbage, trash man. Yeah, you're so dirty, you're so dirty, you're so dirty, oh yeah, oh yeah...
KAREN: Wait! Over there, honey. Over there. Stan's in his car. He's probably heading off to his love nest. Drive, drive!
[DRIVER TAKES OFF, THROWING KAREN AND JACK TO THE FLOOR. IT TAKES THEM A COUPLE SECONDS TO GET BACK UP.]
KAREN: Your skin looks good, Jack.
JACK: Thanks, I've been washing my makeup off before I go to bed.
KAREN: Where's he going? He's going into that whorehouse!
JACK: [GASPS] That's not a whorehouse. That's Burger King!
KAREN: What? Stop the car!
[DRIVER SLAMS ON THE BRAKES, THROWING KAREN AND JACK TO THE FLOOR.]
KAREN: What's happening? What's going on? What's he doing?
JACK: He's going straight to the window. What, did he call the order in?
KAREN: No. no, they know his car. When they see him coming, they grab five Whoppers, a couple of pies, throw 'em through the window, and try not to get their fingers near his mouth.
JACK: Not this time. looks like they're handing him a...a... [GASPS] a salad.
KAREN: Oh, my God. well, that's all the proof I need. First he gets his toes in shape, now he's eating sensibly. My God, has the man no shame?
JACK: Look, Kar, I know what you're going through. I once found out Marco planned on cheating on me with someone he met through a personal ad.
KAREN: Well, how did you catch him?
JACK: It was my ad. You know, I could have screamed and yelled, but instead, I took the high road and had an affair of my very own. My point is, don't get mad, get--
KAREN: Get... a new, rich husband.
[DRIVER TAKES OFF, THROWING KAREN AND JACK TO THE FLOOR.]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, GEORGE, and TINA are finishing up dinner.)
TINA: I just can't get used to the cold. I mean, I'm an Arizona girl.
TINA: About 110 in the summer.
GEORGE: Me, I--I--I don't mind the cold. I never have. Too cold is... Is not good. I like it just, you know... cold enough. You know, you get a sweater, you get a hot drink. You know...you know what I'm talking about?
WILL: Yeah. No, I don't mind the cold.
WILL: But I also like it hot.
TINA: Some like it hot. Ahh! Get it? [TO GRACE] So, Grace, um... What do you like? What...
GRACE: Are we really still talking about the weather?
GEORGE: Tina, come on. I want to show you their view. They've got a hell of a balcony.
WILL: Not so much a balcony as a dead plant museum.
TINA: We'll bring a t-shirt from the gift shop. Ha ha!
[GEORGE AND TINA EXIT TO THE BALCONY.]
GRACE: My... God!
GRACE: Ah-- W-w-what the hell was that?!
WILL: I-I know. I know. Next time I'm gonna label the whipped peas. Everybody always thinks it's guacamole, and then it's just a letdown.
GRACE: No! That--that dinner was unbelievable! I mean the level of denial-- I mean, you people should be studied!
WILL: Grace... Give me a break.
GRACE: No! I am serious! I feel like a Jewish Jane Goodall, and you're "goyim in the mist!" Aren't you upset by this? I mean, he's not even my dad, and I'm upset by this. Why don't you call him on this?
WILL: Why? I'll tell you why! Because I'm not gonna be the one to drop a bomb like this on my family! I did it once before one Christmas, and it ripped us apart!
GRACE: When you told your mother you hated her fruitcake?
WILL: No! When I told my mother I was a fruitcake!
GRACE: Will, that is totally different. What you were doing wasn't wrong.
WILL: Look, it just doesn't matter! Let someone else confront him on this. In the meantime, we're not gonna talk about this, and that includes you.
GRACE: But I--
[TINA AND GEORGE ENTER FROM THE BALCONY.]
TINA: Wow. It's a little chile con carne out there, you guys. It's cold, actually.
GEORGE: Not too cold to snow.
WILL: You know, the other day it was too cold to snow, the proof? It didn't snow.
TINA: Ha ha!
WILL: Remember that, Grace?
GRACE: Yeah. I remember. We thought it was gonna snow... But it didn't.
TINA: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
GRACE: But it's...it's never too hot to rain. [SADLY] I remember this one summer day... The weather was perfect. Or at least we thought it was perfect. But then this hot front came in from the west. [VOICE BREAKS] This hot skinny front... [TEARFULLY] And it made it rain. And we couldn't ride our bicycles... [CRYING] And nothing was ever good ever again! [UNCONTROLLED SOBBING]
TINA: That really is bad weather!
GRACE: [UNCONTROLLED SOBBING] I'm so confused! [SOB] I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone and all the other people are pigs... [SOB] and I'm the pretty one, but everyone thinks I'm ugly, because they're all pigs and they think pigs are pretty! [SOBBING]
TINA: I like the one with Burgess Meredith when he broke his glasses.
GEORGE: Yeah, he was The Penguin, too. Remember? And you know where penguins live, it's really cold.
GRACE: I cannot do this anymore! I am sorry! There is a problem in this room that nobody's talking about!
TINA: Ok! Ok, ok... I'll say it. You've got a boob coming out.
GRACE: I have got to get out of this room... Right now.
[GRACE EXITS INTO THE HALLWAY.]
WILL: Ahem. Sorry, I'd better, uh...
TINA: No, no. Let me. Let me, Will. Sometimes a woman needs to speak to another woman. And besides, I need a cigarette. [TINA EXITS INTO THE HALLWAY AFTER GRACE.]
GEORGE: Well. I don't know what to say. I'm disappointed in you, Will.
WILL: You're disappointed in me?
GEORGE: Yes. Tina shows up here, and I think, "My God, this is my worst nightmare. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me." Why don't I just handle my mid-life crisis with hair plugs and a Ferrari like any other normal person?
WILL: You bought the Ferrari.
GEORGE: I know. How do you think I met Tina? Instead, you invite us to sit down here and have dinner, and I think, "Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe this is good. Maybe somebody will finally drag this out in the open." Instead, what do we do? We sit down, we talk about the difference between a tsunami and a monsoon like a bunch of Micronesian hut people! Say what's on your mind!
WILL: Come on... Dad! We're Trumans. We don't do that, remember?
GEORGE: Oh. We don't, but you do. You're the brave one. Look at your life! You came out. You told the truth. I rely on you to say what's what!
WILL: I know you're having an affair.
WILL: And I think it sucks!
GEORGE: Good. Good. This is good. This is good.
WILL: You're my dad, you know? You're my hero! And you keep doing this stuff and expecting me to look the other way, and I-I-I can't keep doing it!
GEORGE: I need this, you see? I need this. Come on!
WILL: And it hurts me, and it makes me angry, and I can't pretend it doesn't.
GEORGE: You shouldn't! You shouldn't!
WILL: I need to say this.
GEORGE: You do! You do!
WILL: And you need to hear this!
GEORGE: I do.
WILL: And so does mom.
GEORGE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's take it easy. Ok. I'll... I'll talk to mom.
GEORGE: Now, while we're, uh... While we're being 100% honest, there's one more thing I gotta tell you, Will.
GEORGE: That was the worst guacamole I've ever eaten in my life.
SCENE IX: Karen's Limousine
(The limo is parked outside a convenience store. KAREN is waiting for JACK, who is in the store. She's stirring her martini.)
KAREN: What are you lookin' at, Driver? Keep your eyes on your own cocktail.
[CAR DOOR OPENS AND JACK ENTER WITH TWO MAGAZINES.]
JACK: Ok, here it is, your new husband catalog, A.K.A.--
KAREN: [READING THE TITLE] "Hot Jocks?"
JACK: Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed. It's totally my husband catalog. Ha ha ha! Here it is. [JACK TRADES MAGAZINES WITH KAREN.]
KAREN: [READING THE TITLE] "The 400 Richest People in America."
JACK: Come on. Let's find yourself a new husband.
[KAREN BEGINS FLIPPING THROUGH THE MAGAZINE.]
KAREN: Oh, yes. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, my God, honey. Yes! Bernard Hellman. Oh, yes. Yes. Bernie's our man. Karen Delaney-St. Croix-Popeil-Walker-Hellman. It's got a ring to it.
KAREN: Come on. Driver, take us to Sutton Place, and step on it.
KAREN: I said step on it!
KAREN: Yessiree. In just a few short minutes, I'll be well on my way to-- to be-- [GASPS] Jackie, what the hell am I doin'?
[KAREN AND JACK SIT UP ON THE SEATS.]
[JACK FLIPS OUT THE CENTERFOLD IN HIS MAGAZINE. THEN FLIPS OUT A SIDE PAGE.]
JACK: Hello, Mrs. McFarland.
KAREN: Oh, Jack, I can't do this. Stan is everything to me. I've got to take the moral high-ball.
JACK: Don't you mean "high ground"?
KAREN: That'll come right after the high-ball. Just because Stan is having an affair doesn't mean that I should get rid of him, but I'm not gonna take this lying down, so let's go find the woman who is.
[JACK FLIPS OUT ANOTHER SIDE PAGE.]
JACK: Cheese and rice!
SCENE X: The Hallway outside Will's Apartment
[GRACE AND TINA ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR OUTSIDE WILL'S APARTMENT.]
TINA: I don't know why I fell for him, Grace. I guess all the good ones are married or gay, and you got the gay one. Ha ha!
GRACE: Uh, would you mind putting that out? It's really bothering me.
TINA: Oh! Uhh! Sorry. It's such a disgusting habit. [TINA PUTS THE CIGARETTE OUT ON THE CARPET.] That's why I paid two grand to a hypnotist in Boston to help me quit.
GRACE: Money well spent. [SIGHS] I don't know why I took this all so personally. I guess it's because I've always thought George is the perfect dad, and my dad has always been so emotionally unavailable. He once missed my field hockey finals because Rosey Grier was signing autographs at the local Ford dealership.
TINA: My dad went to prison when I was four. The only contact we've ever had is through a sheet of bulletproof glass.
GRACE: I never win this game.
[THE ELEVATOR DINGS AND KAREN EXITS.]
KAREN: [TO GRACE] There you are. Well... You played it pretty cool the other day, but I wanna know who he's having the affair with, and I wanna know right now!
GRACE: Well, that would be her [POINTING TO TINA].
TINA: I'm Tina. [GIGGLES] Hee-hee-hee!
KAREN: Don't give me that "hee hee hee!" How dare you come between a man and his wife! What you're doing is morally wrong! I have kids with that man! His ex-wife's body is ruined as a result! But he's all I've got. You think that you're coming between me and Stanley Walker, you're not gonna get him without a fight. That's right, lady, put 'em up!
[KAREN THROWS DOWN HER PURSE AND HOLDS UP HER FISTS.]
TINA: Who's Stanley Walker?
GRACE: Karen, she's having an affair with Will's dad.
KAREN: Oh. Oh! Well, good for you, honey! He's a good catch, keep up the good work, you got a nice ass!
SCENE XI: Karen's Penthouse
(JACK is waiting for Karen to come back from Grace's. There are a couple of maids cleaning. Jack is looking at himself in the mirror.)
JACK [TO HIS REFLECTION]: Hey, Mr. Man. Never looked better. Well, maybe once, but I doubt it.
[JACK KISSES HIS REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR AND GIGGLES.]
[JACK KISSES HIS REFLECTION AGAIN IN THE MIRROR AND GIGGLES.]
[JACK KISSES HIS REFLECTION TWICE IN THE MIRROR AND GIGGLES.]
[JACK KISSES HIS REFLECTION FOUR TIMES IN THE MIRROR AND GIGGLES.]
[KAREN ENTERS AND JACK QUICKLY TURNS AWAY FROM THE MIRROR.]
JACK: Karen, you're back. I've been worried sick. Did you find anything out?
KAREN: Oh, Jack, the best news ever. I hear chewing.
[THE MAIDS SCATTER UP THE STAIRS.]
KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm so relieved. It was all a mistake. Grace saw Will's dad having an affair.
JACK: Wait. Stan was having an affair with Will's dad? It's two men, yet I'm strangely unaroused.
KAREN: No, fruit of the loon. Grace saw Will's dad with another woman. Stan's clean. Isn't it great?
JACK: Yeah. [JUMPING AND CLAPPING] Ha ha ha!
KAREN: [JUMPING AND CLAPPING] Ha ha ha!
JACK: [STOPS] Wait a minute!
KAREN: [GASPS] Oh!
JACK: If Will's dad was having the affair, then why was Stan gettin' his toes polished and eating salads?
KAREN: Oh, my God, you're right. That fat, adulterous bastard. He's been makin' some other woman uncomfortable for three minutes!
JACK: Three minutes? Boy, that vitamin E's been working.
KAREN: I'll kill him.
ROSARIO: [ENTERING] Lady, you're dumber than the lint I clean out of your trap.
KAREN: What're you doing talking? I thought I had your jaw wired shut.
ROSARIO: Lady, I'm gonna put bees in your pillow tonight. Don't you know all this stuff Mr. Stan is doing is for you? Getting all cleaned up and skinny. He was worried he disgusted you in bed.
KAREN: Wh--? Where would he get an idea like that?
JACK: Maybe from that certified letter you sent him?
ROSARIO: Don't ask me why, but the man loves you. In fact, he's upstairs right now, waiting for you.
KAREN: My Stanley loves me? There's no one else? I'm the only one?
ROSARIO: That's right.
KAREN: Oh, I'm so happy. My little sugar cube is up there waitin' for me right now, ready to spin me like the propeller on our Blackhawk. [BEAT] Come on, Jack. Let's get out of here.
KAREN: All right. You can come, too.
[KAREN, JACK, AND ROSARIO EXIT.]
SCENE XII: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are watching TV.)
WILL: You know, you were incredibly inappropriate tonight.
GRACE: I know.
WILL: I asked you to stay out of my family's business, and you stuck your nose in anyway.
GRACE: I know.
WILL: And you acted like a total loon in the process.
GRACE: I know.
WILL: Thanks. I owe you big-time.
GRACE: I know.