Original Airdate 2/08/2001
Written by David Kohan & Max Mutchnick
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Patrick Dempsey (Matthew Moshea)
Dion Anderson (Harry Zalen)
Dennis Satterfield (Cook)
George Stults (Justin)
Matt Bellner (Towel Boy)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(JACK and WILL are watching TV.)
JACK: I don't understand this. I mean, what's going on right now? What exactly are we watching?
WILL: This would be called a basketball game.
JACK: Basketball. Uh-huh. And where is this all taking place?
WILL: That's Madison Square Garden.
JACK: That's a sports auditorium now?
WILL: It's the world's most famous sports arena. But I can see how that fact may have eluded you given that your entire knowledge of sports consists of giggling every time you hear the word "balls."
JACK: [GIGGLING] Hee-hee-hee! Hee-hee! Gets me every time.
WILL: I know.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Oh, sorry I'm late. There was this homeless guy who wanted money, but I thought he's just gonna spend it on booze, so I took him to the Korean market and told him, "Ok, you can get up to, like two pounds of salad," but then I thought, "Who am I to tell him he shouldn't have booze?" So I took him to the liquor store and got him two pounds of malt liquor.
Was that true?
GRACE: Saks had a shoe sale.
WILL: See, Grace, not only do your lies have too much detail, they're also socially irresponsible.
GRACE: [SHOWING OFF HER SHOES] Look... Buckles.
JACK: Grace, check it out. This is amazing.
GRACE: Hmm? [GRACE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH WITH WILL AND JACK.]
JACK: Tall, muscular lovelies in nothing but short-shorts and matching tank tops. Why would straight guys watch this?
WILL: If I knew why straight guy did anything, do you think I'd be hanging out with you two homos. [TO WILL] Have you seen Matt yet?
WILL: Yeah, he's right there. Right on the sidelines. See? About four clicks west of Spike Lee. Just right beside that little girl and her grandpa.
JACK: Uh, that's Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas.
GRACE: Matt looks good on TV.
WILL: Doesn't he? That's my man... My squeeze... My steady fella. No wonder I was alone for so long.
JACK: Ring. [JACK HOLDS HIS HAND TO HIS EAR LIKE A PHONE] Hello? What's that? I'm bored? Yeah, thanks for calling. Bye-bye.
[JACK GETS UP AND LEAVES.]
SCENE II: Madison Square Garden: Visitor's Locker Room
(MATT is reporting in front of a TV camera as WILL enters. He starts talking to a man picking up towels.)
WILL: Hey. Hey. Uh, great game tonight. You were-- You were really something out there. You gave 110%. You know, and I mean-- Wow! You were just jumping so high.
MAN: I'm the towel boy.
WILL: Well, you--you look dry.
MATT: And in spite of tonight's loss, there's still a good chance this team will make the playoffs, providing all the other teams in the league get swallowed by a giant fish. It's Matt Moshea reporting live from the visitors' locker room. Great, thanks. Thanks a lot.
WILL: Hey, TV person.
MATT: Hey, you.
WILL: I thought I'd come down to surprise you. Congratulations. You did -- and you looked -- great.
MATT: I don't care about that. How great?
WILL: Really great.
MATT: So what do you think of my office?
WILL: What's not to like? You're surrounded by naked men with an average shoe size of 17. It's...pretty good. How about a little-- a little dinner?
MATT: Mmm, I'd love that.
HARRY: Hey, Matt!
MATT: Harry, hey! What are you doing here?
HARRY: Checking out the naked guys in the locker room. I saw the feed. I wanted to let you know you did ok. Uh, oh, about the fish joke at the end--
MATT: Ha ha! Yeah?
HARRY: Lose it. People want to laugh, let 'em watch the weather.
MATT: Ok, no fish humor.
WILL: I'm Will.
MATT: Oh, God. I'm so sorry. This is Harry Zalen, station manager-- my boss.
HARRY: Oh. Hi. Who are you?
WILL: I'm, uh, Matt's--
MATT: Brother. Will's my brother.
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is flipping through a catalog when JACK enters.)
JACK: Karen, I've had an awakening. There are certain things in this world that desperately need changing, and I am committing every fiber of my being to changing them. As we speak, there is a gun-control rally going on in Times Square, and I say let's join our brothers and sisters in fighting the good fight.
JACK: All right. Let's go to lunch.
KAREN: Can't, honey. I'm busy.
JACK: What you doing?
KAREN: Oh, just doing a little last-minute shopping for the step-kiddies.
KAREN: Honey... Do you think Mason will like this? [SHE SHOWS JACK THE CATALOG]
JACK: I don't know. Does he need steak knives?
KAREN: Oh, honey, if you'd ever seen him work his way through a porterhouse, you wouldn't be asking that question.
JACK: So what's the gift for, anyway?
KAREN: What do you mean, Jack? Christmas? Hello?! [SINGING TO HERSELF] Deck the halls with boughs of money, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la...
JACK: Karen, Christmas was months ago. Don't you remember? That was the day you let Rosario call her kids. God, I mean, when's the last time you checked your calendar?
KAREN: Well, I don't need a calendar. When my pills run out, I just go back to Pharmacist. [JACK PICKS UP THE CALENDAR ON KAREN'S DESK] But did I miss anything good?
JACK: [FLIPPING THROUGH THE CALENDAR] No, not too much. New Year's... Martin Luther King Day... "Pick Stan up from the hospital."
KAREN: Oh, that's where he is.
JACK: And that brings us back to today. [GASPS] Oh! Kare! The Black-and-White Ball's this weekend. [GIGGLING] Balls. Hee-hee-hee! Ha ha!
KAREN: Is it time for that again already? Oh, I hate these formal affairs, honey. Everybody's gonna be there. Mr. And Mrs. Marlo Thomas, Mr. And Mrs. Connie Chung, Mr. And Mrs. Hilary Clinton.
JACK: Looks like you're gonna have to call out the big guns.
KAREN: Yeah. [GRABBING HER BREASTS] Bang! Bang! [SHE BLOWS ON EACH ONE] Ha ha ha ha!
JACK: [DISAPPOINTED] You're supposed to let me blow.
KAREN: Ok, honey. Get ready. [GRABBING HER BREASTS] Bang! Bang!
[JACK BLOWS EACH ONE.]
KAREN: Ooh, listen. How about you come with me tomorrow morning to the safe deposit box and help me pick out my jewels, ok? I'll bring the truffles and the chardonnay, and you bring that tight little butt of yours! [KAREN SMACKS JACK'S BUTT] I love it! Ha ha ha! Ha!
GRACE: [ENTERING] Ok, Karen, we've got a crazy work day ahead. I've got back-to-back clients coming in, an installation at 2:00, and there's a ton of Xeroxing and faxing that has to happen, so in order to get any of that done I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
KAREN: You're the boss.
WILL: [ENTERING] I am so upset right now, I--I can't even speak!
KAREN: Yeah, well, if I had those crazy little chicken arms, I'd be--
[WILL SHOOTS KAREN A LOOK OF DEATH]
JACK: Look out! She's gonna blow!
[JACK AND KAREN QUICKLY EXIT]
WILL: I'm sorry. I can't have lunch today. You know, I'm walking over here, and with every step, I'm getting madder and madder. I mean, he called me his brother!
GRACE: I know. I told you last night. Break up with him.
WILL: Lying like that right in front of me! And see, I swear, it's--it's the second most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me in a locker room.
GRACE: You should break up with him.
WILL: And what does he expect me to do, go back in the closet?! Hey, it's a little late. I just bought my first pair of man-clogs, ok?
GRACE: You should break up with him.
WILL: I--I don't know what to do!
GRACE: Break up with him.
WILL: Actually, you know what? I-I'm breaking up with him. How about that?!
[WILL STORMS OUT.]
GRACE: [TO HERSELF] You got man-clogs?
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are getting ready to eat Chinese food at the table.)
GRACE: So tell me what happened with Matt.
WILL: You won't believe it. He asked me to try and understand.
GRACE: Ugh! I hate it when men ask you to understand. Why don't they just be honest and tell you to shut up?
WILL: Then he went on and on about how he works in sports, and he's on the air now, so he can't be as open as he'd like to be.
GRACE: What a load! All right, what did we say to him?
WILL: I just said, "Hey, I'm an out and proud gay man. I'm not about to go back in the closet for the sake of a relationship."
GRACE: Oh, that is so good! That is so right! We're here. We're queer, and he better get used to it!
WILL: As far as I'm concerned it's over, and there's nothing he could say to change my mind.
GRACE: [SIGHS] I hope he cried. What did he say?
WILL: He said he likes me.
GRACE: [WITH HER MOUTH FULL OF FOOD] Oh, that pig! What kind of idiot does he take us for?!
[KNOCK ON THE DOOR]
GRACE: It's open!
MATT: [OPENING THE DOOR] Hey, Will, sorry I'm early. Hey, Grace. [TO WILL] I got a cab downstairs. We should get going.
WILL: [TO GRACE] Did I mention that he said he likes me?
SCENE V: Karen's Bank: Safe Deposit Room
(KAREN is going through her safe deposit box. JACK is playing with her jewelry.)
KAREN: Honey, put my necklaces away. You have your own jewels to play with.
[JACK IS PARADING AROUND IN THE JEWELS]
JACK: Thank you! And I promise... As this year's Miss Pregnant Teen America... To represent all pregnant teens... Whether they be man, woman, black or white. [MOCK SOBBING] Thank you so much!
KAREN: Knock it off, Miss Fire Island. I'm reminiscing. Look at all of these. Stan has been so good to me, honey. Oh, and all of the sweet memories they bring back. Hmm. [PULLING OUT JEWELS] On my knees in Belize. Oh! On my back in Iraq. Oh! Oh! And then there was that time in Nantucket! Ha-ha-ha! Oh... Good times. Well, good jewels, anyway. Ha ha ha!
JACK: [JACK PICKS UP AN ENVELOPE] Oh, look, Kare. Stan's will. Do you have a will?
KAREN: Honey, why do I need a will? I'm gonna live forever. [SPEAKING TO THE FLOOR] That is the deal, isn't it, Red? Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Wait a minute. I haven't seen that version.
JACK: You gonna open it?
KAREN: That is a private legal document. That would be a betrayal of everything that's sacred in our marriage.
JACK: Can I open it?
KAREN: That'll work.
JACK: [JACK TEARS OPEN THE ENVELOPE] There.
KAREN: Give me that. Come on, Come on. Let's just see where everything's going. [READING THE WILL] Ooh. Stan's mother isn't getting anything. She's gonna hate that. [READING THE WILL] "And a third of my money goes to charity."
[KAREN SLIDES OUT OF THE CHAIR.]
JACK: [READING THE WILL] "Girl's Club of Greater New York..."
KAREN: [READING THE WILL] Women's shelters... Sally Struthers... Public television?! What is this crap?!
JACK: Looks like Stan's got a big heart to go with his enlarged prostate.
KAREN: Oh, balls!
JACK: [GIGGLING] Hee-hee-hee! Ha ha!
KAREN: Stan pays deaf immigrants 12 cents an hour to make tube socks. He is a misanthropic money whore. That's why I love him. No! No, no, no, no, no. This is not his handiwork. This is the work of our limp-wristed lawyer, Will Truman!
KAREN: [SHAKING HER FISTS] Ohh!
JACK: [SHAKING HIS FISTS] Ohh!
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is fixing coffee as WILL enters the living room.)
WILL: Morning. Any of that Chinese food left?
GRACE: I only had two bites when I found a hair in the mushu. So I called the restaurant and they said, "Well, how do we know it's not your hair?" And I said, "Well, I know how my hair tastes." It made me sound crazy, so I hung up. Anyway, I was so disgusted, I threw it all out.
WILL: You ate all of it, didn't you?
GRACE: Yes, I did. And I over-soyed, and now I'm swollen.
WILL: You gonna ask me about last night?
WILL: Ok. Fine. Good. You know, 'cause I certainly don't owe you any explanation about my relationship with Matt.
GRACE: Nope, you don't.
WILL: Oh, would you stop hounding me?! He thinks I'm handsome. He thinks I'm smart. He thinks I'm funny. He's basically everything I'm looking for in a man. Not to mention the fact that we wear the same size, so I'm basically doubling my wardrobe.
GRACE: I just don't understand how you could be in a relationship where you can't be you.
WILL: Yeah, well, being me hasn't gotten me a whole lot of action lately. Or maybe you haven't been following my story line on "No Sex in the City."
GRACE: What do you want from me?
WILL: All I'm asking for is a little support.
GRACE: Will, what you are doing is wildly hypocritical and against everything you believe in. You deserve so much better. But, hey... if you want my support, you've got it.
WILL: I want your support.
GRACE: You don't got it.
JACK: [ENTERING] Mornin, kittles!
GRACE: Jack, back me up on this. You know Will's boyfriend? Ever since he got this on-air job, he's gone back in the closet, and Will wants to go on dating him.
GRACE: Thank you!
JACK: I know the perfect place to take him.
JACK: Yeah, there's this fish restaurant in Queens. It's where all the gay guys take their closet boyfriends. You know, it's like a casual, sawdust-on-the-floor, hand-down-my-pants kind of place.
GRACE: Jack, he introduced Will as his brother.
WILL: Grace, just have dinner with us. Ok? I mean, Matt's a good guy, and I know you'd like him if you just got to know him.
GRACE: Absolutely not.
JACK: They make those killer deep-fried onion blossoms.
GRACE: One dinner.
SCENE VII: The Fish Restaurant in Queens
(MATT and WILL are seated at a table.)
MATT: What did you order?
WILL: I just told the chef to surprise me. Think that was a mistake in a place that's located next to a pet hospital?
[GRACE ENTERS AND HEADS FOR THE TAKE-OUT COUNTER]
WILL: Grace, hi. You gonna-- [GRACE WALKS PAST] Grace? [TO MATT] Hang on.
[WILL JOINS GRACE AT THE TAKE-OUT COUNTER]
WILL: What-- What are you doing? You gonna join us?
GRACE: No. I thought about it, and I cannot, in good conscience, have dinner with you two. I-I'm not gonna be a party to your lie.
WILL: So, what, you're just here to judge me?
GRACE: Will, believe it or not, I have better things to do with my life. I'm here for the onion blossom. So don't worry. As soon as they call number 39, I'm out of here.
THE COOK: Number 38!
GRACE: Yes! I'm starving.
COOK: Number 40!
GRACE: [WINCING] Goh!
WILL: I'm going back to my date.
GRACE: Good. Don't want to keep your brother waiting. Might give you a wedgie.
[WILL RETURNS TO THE TABLE.]
MATT: Isn't Grace gonna join us?
WILL: Uh, no, we had a bit... A fight back at home. It's a long story.
MATT: What's the short version?
WILL: We fought at home.
MATT: Ok. Fair enough. So, I've never been here before. Interesting choice.
WILL: Great, isn't it?
MATT: Yeah. How'd you find it?
WILL: Jack told me about it. Said it was the perfect place for-- For a guy like you.
WILL: Exactly. Hey, what are you doing on the weekend? 'Cause I was thinking, you know, we could, uh-- [WILL NOTICES THAT GRACE IS LOOKING ON, SCOWLING] We could-- uh...
MATT: We could what?
WILL: We could drive to the coast. There's this great little bed and-- Would you just... Hold on for one sec.
[WILL GETS UP TO TALK TO GRACE, STILL AT THE TAKE-OUT COUNTER.]
WILL: Would you cut it out!
WILL: You're looking at me all disapproving, rolling your eyes.
GRACE: I was debating whether or not I should add clam strips to my order.
WILL: You were not! I know that look. It's the same look you give me when I do a British accent.
GRACE: I never--
WILL: [BRITISH ACCENT] Oh, don't you love?
WILL: [NORMAL VOICE] Aha, there it is!
GRACE: Look, if you are feeling guilty because you're compromising everything you believe in, that's your thing. Don't put that on me. I'm just standing here thinking about clam strips, which is moot, because they're all out... Out and proud.
COOK: Number 39?
COOK: 10 more minutes.
GRACE: [WINCING] Goh!
WILL: Just... Stop looking at me.
[WILL RETURNS TO THE TABLE.]
WILL: [TO MATT] I'm sorry. That won't happen again. Nothing is going to keep us from enjoying our evening.
HARRY: [ENTERING] Hey, Matt!
WILL: [WINCING] Goh!
MATT: Harry, hey, what are you doing here?
HARRY: Bringing some dinner home for my wife. She loves this place. Her hairdresser recommended it.
WILL: Why don't you join us, Harry?
HARRY: Don't mind if I do. Will, Matt's brother, right?
WILL: That's right. That's me.
HARRY: So, Will, you a big jock like Matt?
WILL: Oh, yeah. Hell, I'm wearing a cup right now.
HARRY: Damn, Matt, I spent some time defending you today.
MATT: Oh, really? Why?
HARRY: Couple of guys at your old job said there's rumor going around... That you might be gay.
MATT: [CHUCKLES] Me? Gay? Me, gay? Did you hear that, Will?
WILL: Yeah. You gay.
HARRY: So are you?
MATT: Oh, please, no. Harry, you don't have to worry about me. I mean... I mean, just the idea of two guys together it just... just... Creeps me out, you know?
WILL: I think two guys together is hot.
WILL: Matt, there's something I have to tell you. I'm gay.
MATT: Wow! Mom is gonna freak.
HARRY: You don't seem gay.
WILL: Well, that's probably because my party dress is at the cleaners. But make no mistake about it, Harry. I am a gay man. I sleep with men. I have no desire to sleep with women... Not now, not ever.
KAREN: [ENTERING] You screwed me, Will Truman!
KAREN: Oh, don't you play dumb with me. Oh, you stuck it to me but good.
KAREN: And he is just so comfortable giving it away, aren't ya? Wow. Single mothers. Homeless women. Sally Struthers?! You make me sick! I got news for you people, I'm gonna get him in a room, and I am gonna work that little will until I'm satisfied. Goodbye. [KAREN TURNS AND EXITS] Grace, that blouse hurts like a hangover.
MATT: [QUETLY TO WILL] You know what? Maybe this isn't the best time to talk about this.
WILL: Maybe it isn't, but I've got to say this. I can't go on lying. I know I said that I would, and I'm sorry, but I can't. The only way I know how to be in a relationship with you... brother... is if we are open and honest. Those are the terms. Can you accept that?
MATT: [WHISPERING] I wish I could... but I can't.
WILL: [QUIETLY] Well, then I can't, either.
GRACE: [YELLING] Good for you! [SHE RINGS THE BELL ON THE COUNTER A FEW TIMES]
HARRY: Who the hell are you?
GRACE: Just a single woman in a fish place, applauding a courageous man.
WILL: Come on, Grace. Let's go home.
GRACE: Oh, but my onion--
[WILL DRAGS GRACE OUT.]
HARRY: Matt, I-- I know how hard this must be for you. A gay guy in your own family. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. [HARRY PUTS HIS HAND ON MATT'S SHOULDER TO COMFORT HIM.]
[JACK ENTERS WITH HIS ARM AROUND A GUY.]
COOK: Number 39!
GRACE: [SHOVING HER WAY PAST EVERYONE] Coming through. Coming through.
[GRACE GRABS THE BAG AND QUICKLY EXITS]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and WILL are watching TV. GRACE is still eating the onion.)
WILL: Grace, you've been whittling away at that onion blossom for three hours now. Say good-bye.
GRACE: But I just discovered they're good with sugar.
WILL: Ok. [WILL TAKES THE BOWL AWAY FROM GRACE.]
GRACE: Don't! No, no, no, no. [BEAT] Thank you...